Sitemap
2017 May
5/31/2017 - The Biggest Presidential Scandals
5/31/2017 - German Metal Festival Builds Own Beer Pipeline
5/31/2017 - Yellow Cross Receives Record 10,000 Liters Of Urine Donations
5/31/2017 - The Onion’s Sleepaway Camp Packing List
5/31/2017 - Goad Trip
5/31/2017 - Sesame Street Mourns Death Of Original Letter K
5/31/2017 - Why Are There So Few Female Directors?
5/31/2017 - National Trust For Historic Preservation Raises Millions To Demolish Trump’s Boyhood Home
5/31/2017 - Report: 87% Of Goldman Sachs Employees Began Job With Plans To Take Down Company From Inside
5/31/2017 - Theater Holding Women-Only Screening Of ‘Wonder Woman’
5/30/2017 - Dad Hands Phone Off To Mom Immediately After Being Wished Happy Father’s Day
5/30/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Tiger Woods
5/30/2017 - ‘Washington Post’ Reporter Frustrated Every Space In Parking Garage Taken Up By Anonymous Source
5/30/2017 - Cuban Immigrant Can’t Believe He Risked Life Coming To America To Play For AA Birmingham Barons
5/30/2017 - Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father
5/30/2017 - Disney’s ‘World Of Avatar’ Theme Park Opens
5/30/2017 - Kinky Lawn Chair Likes Leaving Woman With Marks All Over Her Legs
5/30/2017 - City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims
5/30/2017 - Period Of Time In Which Parents Proud Of How Much Child Can Eat Quickly Dwindling
5/30/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 30, 2017
5/30/2017 - ‘Top Gun’ Sequel Announced
5/29/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 29, 2017
5/26/2017 - Gianforte Wins Special Election
5/26/2017 - Best Sports Stadiums
5/26/2017 - Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School
5/26/2017 - President Trump Has Enacted The ‘Theseus Protocol’: What Does That Mean For America?
5/26/2017 - Empty Wall Behind Couch Falls Into Girlfriend’s Crosshairs
5/26/2017 - MSNBC Most Popular Cable News Network
5/25/2017 - Dave & Buster’s Opens New Fine Dining, Gaming Outpost David & Benedict’s
5/25/2017 - ‘The Onion’ Invites Republican Candidate Greg Gianforte To Physically Assault Our Entire Editorial Staff
5/25/2017 - Instagram Worst Social Network For Mental Health
5/25/2017 - Study Finds Not Acting Like Total Fucking Moron Most Attractive Quality In Potential Mate
5/25/2017 - How To Get Ready For Summer
5/25/2017 - Just Who Are The Trumps, Exactly?
5/25/2017 - ‘Star Wars’ Turns 40
5/25/2017 - Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom
5/25/2017 - Leaked ‘The Last Jedi’ Footage Reveals Chewbacca Balding Since ‘The Force Awakens’
5/25/2017 - Twitter Co-Founder Apologizes For Role In 2016 Election
5/24/2017 - FBI Investigating Fyre Festival
5/24/2017 - Carmelo Anthony Confident He Can Still Help Contender Flame Out In First Round
5/24/2017 - Most Notable Google Ventures
5/24/2017 - Every American Should Be Extremely Unsettled By The Initiatives Trump’s Cabinet Is Pursuing
5/24/2017 - Homesick Trump Stays Up All Night On Phone With Automated Mar-A-Lago Reservations Line
5/24/2017 - Dr. Scholl’s Introduces Line Of Sexy Lace Insoles
5/24/2017 - ‘Resident Evil’ Set For Reboot
5/23/2017 - Ringling Bros. Circus Shuts Down
5/23/2017 - Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican
5/23/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Trump’s Budget Proposal
5/23/2017 - Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners
5/23/2017 - We’re Running Out Of Time If We Still Want To Kill And Eat Jane Goodall
5/23/2017 - God Wedges Another Cherub Beneath Leg To Level Wobbly Throne
5/23/2017 - The Cure For What Ailes Him
5/23/2017 - Who Are The Deeply Disturbed Individuals In Trump’s Inner Circle?
5/23/2017 - A Primer on Elon Musk’s Business Initiatives
5/23/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 23, 2017
5/23/2017 - Swedish Town Votes Against Paid Sex Leave
5/22/2017 - Basquiat Painting Sold For Record $110 Million
5/22/2017 - Nike Releases New Sports Bra For Wearing Directly Under Coat While Shambling Around Grocery Store
5/22/2017 - Bird Of Paradise Just Staring At David Attenborough During Courtship Dance
5/22/2017 - Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff
5/22/2017 - Lawyers Identify Dozens More Bill Cosby Victims While Interviewing Potential Jurors
5/22/2017 - What Is Trump Hiding?
5/22/2017 - Dennis Quaid Playing George W. Bush In Katrina Drama
5/22/2017 - Executive Order Designating Grand Canyon As Morgue
5/22/2017 - The Lighthouse Question
5/22/2017 - White House Operations
5/22/2017 - White House Staffers
5/22/2017 - The Executive Branch
5/22/2017 - Environmental Protection Agency
5/22/2017 - Daily Schedules
5/22/2017 - White House Counsel
5/22/2017 - Children’s Letters To The President
5/22/2017 - Secret Recordings
5/22/2017 - Kellyanne Conway
5/22/2017 - Stephen Bannon
5/22/2017 - Sean Spicer
5/22/2017 - Jared Kushner
5/22/2017 - Stephen Miller
5/22/2017 - The Theseus Protocol
5/22/2017 - Reince Priebus
5/22/2017 - Central Intelligence Agency
5/22/2017 - Betsy DeVos
5/22/2017 - Dr. Ben Carson
5/22/2017 - Executive Orders
5/22/2017 - Presidential Briefings
5/22/2017 - The Trump Family
5/22/2017 - Donald Trump
5/22/2017 - Michael Pence
5/22/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 22, 2017
5/19/2017 - Trump Takes First Diplomatic Trip
5/19/2017 - Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation’s Snack Food Purchases
5/19/2017 - Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife
5/19/2017 - DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators
5/19/2017 - Tick Scientists Confirm 2017 Summer Will Be Best On Record
5/19/2017 - Clinton Receives 400,000 Honorary Degrees For College Commencement Speech
5/19/2017 - Mom Sent On Fact-Finding Mission To Read What Parking Sign Down Street Says
5/19/2017 - Mice Give Birth Using 3D-Printed Ovaries
5/18/2017 - Hundreds Of Miniature Sean Hannitys Burst From Roger Ailes’ Corpse
5/18/2017 - Tips On Asking For A Promotion
5/18/2017 - Chelsea Manning Released
5/18/2017 - Trump Trying To Figure Out How To Unsubscribe From Boring National Security Email List
5/18/2017 - Row Of Dusty PlayStation 2 Games Continues Reign At Top Of Book Shelf
5/18/2017 - Man Walks In On Roommate In Kitchen Having Way With His Leftovers
5/18/2017 - A Timeline Of Aviation History
5/18/2017 - Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings
5/18/2017 - Notable Athlete-Branded Products
5/18/2017 - Boss Thinks Female Employee Might Be Ready To Handle Job She’s Been Doing For Past 2 Years
5/18/2017 - Study: Healthy Foods Most Likely To Be Thrown Out
5/17/2017 - Katy Perry To Be ‘American Idol’ Judge
5/17/2017 - Kicking, Screaming Warren Buffett Dragged From Caesars Palace After Losing Everything At Roulette Wheel
5/17/2017 - Crowd Shocked After Unhinged Trump Dangles Baby From Truman Balcony
5/17/2017 - Sean Spicer Quietly Puts Painting Back Over Unfinished Escape Tunnel
5/17/2017 - What Makes Anna So Beautiful In The Moonlight?
5/17/2017 - Nation Allows Itself 5 Minutes To Believe This All Going To Be Over Soon
5/17/2017 - CC Sabathia Chowing Down On Homemade Marinara Baseball Sub
5/17/2017 - Robotic Exoskeleton Prevents Elderly From Falling Down
5/17/2017 - Laptop Really Getting Off From Having Both USB Ports Stuffed
5/16/2017 - The International Space Station By The Numbers
5/16/2017 - Zac Efron To Play Ted Bundy In New Film
5/16/2017 - Slight Breeze A Major Factor In Wiffle Ball Game
5/16/2017 - Firebrand John McCain Demands Immediate Investigation Into Why He Remaining Complicit
5/16/2017 - The Onion’s 2017 Summer Movie Preview
5/16/2017 - Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’
5/16/2017 - Oh, So I’m Distant And Emotionally Abusive For Several Years, And All Of A Sudden I’m Not Good Enough For You Anymore?
5/16/2017 - Spurning Their Wings
5/16/2017 - Tesla Debuts Solar Roofing Tiles
5/16/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 15, 2017
5/15/2017 - Hackers Launch Biggest Cyberattack Ever
5/15/2017 - FBI Declassifies J. Edgar Hoover’s Extensive File On The Munster Family
5/15/2017 - Crate & Barrel Introduces Line Of Disgusting Couches You Can Put On Your Porch
5/15/2017 - Glimpse Of Father’s Toenails Offers Boy Petrifying Vision Of Future
5/15/2017 - Historians Discover Thomas Jefferson May Have Secretly Fathered Multiple Other Countries
5/15/2017 - ‘I’m Just Here To Win Football Games,’ Says 22-Year-Old Draft Pick Who Will Get Everyone Fired
5/15/2017 - Whippoorwill Has Had Same 3-Note Song Stuck In Head For Entire Life
5/15/2017 - Ibuprofen Linked To Increased Heart Attack Risk
5/15/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 15, 2017
5/14/2017 - Mob Of Rowdy Mothers Bum-Rush Botanical Garden
5/12/2017 - Amazon Building Homeless Shelter Inside Seattle Headquarters
5/12/2017 - Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room
5/12/2017 - Woman Rearranging Condiments In Refrigerator Door Like Puzzle In Ancient Tomb
5/12/2017 - Bill Clinton Co-Authoring Novel With James Patterson
5/12/2017 - Q-Tip Releases New Multi-Pronged Family Swab
5/11/2017 - Marijuana Legalization By The Numbers
5/11/2017 - Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs
5/11/2017 - NBC Airing ‘Jesus Christ Superstar Live!’
5/11/2017 - Lesser Known MLB Hall Of Fame Artifacts And Exhibits
5/11/2017 - Pressure Mounting For Humans To Step Down As Head Of Failing Global Ecosystem
5/11/2017 - Report: 15% Of Cars In Mall Parking Lots Occupied By Family Member Who Stormed Off After Fight
5/11/2017 - Pregnant Serena Williams Excited To Feel Her Baby Grunt
5/11/2017 - Area Mom Convinced 30-Year-Old Daughter Would Be Married By Now If She Just Brushed Her Hair More
5/11/2017 - Milestones In Artificial Intelligence
5/11/2017 - Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking
5/11/2017 - Low Doses Of THC Could Restore Brain Function In Older Mice
5/10/2017 - Trump Fires FBI Director Comey
5/10/2017 - Constitution Rapidly Ages Another 100 Years From Stress Of Repeated Crises
5/10/2017 - Department Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres As National Wildfire Refuge
5/10/2017 - Network Engineer Would Be Systems Manager If He Could Do It All Over Again
5/10/2017 - Trump Announces 40-Month-Long Search To Fill FBI Director Post
5/10/2017 - Kindergartener’s Account Of Day At School Passionate, Incomprehensible
5/10/2017 - Authorities: Missing Plates And Glasses Found Filthy But Safe In Roommate’s Room
5/10/2017 - Americans Have Lost Faith In Government Due To Both Parties’ Failed Promises To Blow Up Mt. Rushmore
5/10/2017 - The Onion’s Mother’s Day Gift Guide
5/10/2017 - New App Adds Virtual Statues Of Iconic Women To Cities
5/9/2017 - Top Best-Selling Video Game Consoles
5/9/2017 - Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band
5/9/2017 - Stephen Hawking: Humans Have 100 Years Left
5/9/2017 - MLB Recommends Teams Limit Amount Of Screen Time For Rookies
5/9/2017 - State Of Their Union
5/9/2017 - Job Placement Service Helps Students Who Fail Out Of Dad’s Alma Mater Find Work At Dad’s Company
5/9/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 9, 2017
5/9/2017 - Sustainable Tires Made From Tomato Peels, Eggshells
5/8/2017 - Macron Wins French Election
5/8/2017 - Sir, I’d Like To Ask For Your Daughter’s Hand Helping Me Move This Couch
5/8/2017 - Dad’s Previously Unheard-Of Friend Dies
5/8/2017 - MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots
5/8/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 8 2017
5/8/2017 - Facebook Hires 3,000 Moderators To Screen Violent Videos
5/8/2017 - Australian Parliament Gathers To Discuss Dwindling Hemsworth Reserves
5/8/2017 - Clown Looked A Lot Different In Online Profile Photo
5/6/2017 - Celebrating Kentucky Derby Winner Sprays Shit All Over Stable Following Win
5/6/2017 - A Look Back At The Kentucky Derby: The Most Abusive 2 Minutes In Sports
5/5/2017 - Researchers Using Frog Mucus To Fight Flu Virus
5/5/2017 - 5 Things To Watch For In The French Election
5/5/2017 - Greatest Thoroughbred Horses Of All Time
5/5/2017 - Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill
5/5/2017 - Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death
5/5/2017 - Skilled Sotheby’s Auctioneer Accidentally Sells Self At Auction For $2.5 Million
5/5/2017 - Study: Humans Were In America 100,000 Years Earlier Than Previously Thought
5/5/2017 - New Affordable Daycare Sort Of Keeps An Eye On Your Kids
5/5/2017 - Everything You Need To Know About Cinco De Mayo
5/4/2017 - How To Stand Out In The Office
5/4/2017 - Red Sox Consider Banning Racist Fans
5/4/2017 - Nation’s Back Alleys Working To Expand Available Services In Anticipation Of Trumpcare Bill Becoming Law
5/4/2017 - Derek Jeter Fulfills Lifelong Dream Of Starting Business Venture With Jeb Bush
5/4/2017 - Car Parked With Windshield Wipers Halfway Up Offers Glimpse Of World Suspended In Time
5/4/2017 - Scientists Claim Solar Energy Will Be Capable Of Powering 95% Of Scorchlands Outposts By 2085
5/4/2017 - Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
5/4/2017 - Tolstoy Adaptation Leads 2017 Tony Nominations
5/4/2017 - Zoo Posting Hourly Updates On Aphid About To Give Birth
5/3/2017 - Greyhound To Send Chimps On Pioneering Bus Trip From Buffalo To Atlantic City
5/3/2017 - Jeff Goldblum Tapped For ‘Jurassic World’ Sequel
5/3/2017 - Skip Bayless Signs 1-Day Contract To Be Fired By ESPN
5/3/2017 - Report: Uttering Phrase ‘Easy Does It’ Prevents 78% Of Drywall Damage While Moving Furniture
5/3/2017 - Should We Really Exercise That Much If The Human Body Is Only Built For Short Bursts Between Sitting And Lying Down?
5/3/2017 - Mom Figures It About Time To Sit Down Adolescent Daughter And Explain How Weight Watchers Points Work
5/3/2017 - Woman Still Holding Onto Hope That Toxic Friendship Could Blossom Into A Toxic Relationship
5/3/2017 - Humpback Whale Deaths Spike On East Coast
5/2/2017 - Top 10 Most Popular Podcasts
5/2/2017 - Fitbit Used As Evidence In Murder Trial
5/2/2017 - Yankees Running For Dear Life After Foul Ball Smashes Into Hornet’s Nest
5/2/2017 - Trump Voter Feels Betrayed By President After Reading 800 Pages Of Queer Feminist Theory
5/2/2017 - Bo Obama Issues First Public Bark Since Leaving White House
5/2/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 2, 2017
5/2/2017 - Elon Musk Launches Underground Roadway Company
5/2/2017 - Lethal Injunction
5/2/2017 - Man Not Going To Let Mind Games Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Natural Moving-On Process Get In His Head
5/2/2017 - New Roommate Excited To Bring Robust Puttering Experience To Apartment
5/1/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Rodrigo Duterte
5/1/2017 - NASA Running Out Of Spacesuits
5/1/2017 - Subway Drops Jared Fogle As Spokesperson
5/1/2017 - Patriots Draft Pat Patriot’s Successor With Third-Round Pick Of Sophomore LSU Mascot
5/1/2017 - Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area
5/1/2017 - God Completely Fucked Up After Huffing Gaseous Planet
5/1/2017 - Report: Really Old Tenant Probably Pays Much Cheaper Rent
5/1/2017 - Amazon Camera Offers Personalized Fashion Advice
5/1/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 1, 2017