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2017 November
11/30/2017 - ‘Avengers 4’ Will Provide Finale To Current Marvel Cinematic Universe
11/30/2017 - How The NFL Can Increase Viewership
11/30/2017 - Melania Trump Hangs Decayed Badger Carcass Over White House Mantel To Finish Off Traditional Slovenian Christmas Decor
11/30/2017 - Trump Retweets Video From Anti-Muslim Hate Group
11/30/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Wishes His Five Writers Good Luck As They Each Leave To Go Host Their Own Show
11/30/2017 - Rex Tillerson Blindsided By News He Still Works For State Department
11/30/2017 - Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck
11/30/2017 - Man’s Eyes Glaze Over Whenever Politician Starts Threatening To Plunge Him Into Serf-Like Subjugation
11/30/2017 - Queer Dating App 'Grindr' No Longer Men-Only
11/29/2017 - ‘Substitute Phone’ Aims To End Smartphone Addiction
11/29/2017 - Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct
11/29/2017 - Al Roker Stares Crestfallen At Matt Lauer Tattoo On Own Torso
11/29/2017 - Colgate Unveils New Dental Grout To Fill In Gaps Between Teeth
11/29/2017 - Bangor Police Bring In Stephen King To Help Track Demonic Car That Killed Woman
11/29/2017 - Area Woman Quietly Satisfied To Have Concrete Evidence Backing Up Years-Long Hatred Of Matt Lauer
11/29/2017 - Perfect One-Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner
11/29/2017 - Colony Of Ping Pong Balls Multiplying Beneath Couch
11/29/2017 - Tips For Holiday Shopping On A Budget
11/29/2017 - Hooded Members Of Congress Drown Another Love Child In Potomac To Prevent Affair From Getting Out
11/29/2017 - ‘Lady Bird’ Now Best-Reviewed Movie Of All Time
11/28/2017 - Tips For Reporting Sexual Harassment In The Office
11/28/2017 - Prince Harry Is Engaged To Meghan Markle
11/28/2017 - New GOP Plan Offers Tax Breaks On All Contributions Tucked Into Congressmen’s Suit Breast Pocket
11/28/2017 - ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Exclusive Information From Jaime Phillips About Roy Moore’s Sexual Indiscretions
11/28/2017 - Cartoon Character Translated Seamlessly Into Noodle
11/28/2017 - You Got To Know When To Hold 'Em
11/28/2017 - Al Franken Tearfully Announces Intention To Step Down From Role As Harasser Of Women
11/28/2017 - You Know, Now That I Think About It, Settling Diplomatic Disputes Between Traditionally Hostile Ethnic Groups Is Nothing Like Drilling For Oil
11/28/2017 - Witnesses To Gordon Hayward Injury Continuing Long Road To Recovery
11/28/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 28, 2017
11/28/2017 - Vans Warped Tour Will End In 2018
11/28/2017 - Buick Introduces New Self-Buying Car
11/28/2017 - Teacher Frustrated No One In Beginner Yoga Class Can Focus Chakras Into Energy Blast
11/28/2017 - Chicago Announces New Tax Breaks To Attract Major New York, LA Shootings
11/27/2017 - ‘So What Did I Miss?’ Asks Michael Flynn Tilting Large Flower On Lapel Towards Trump
11/27/2017 - Cyber Monday Retailers Pull In Record 700 Terabytes Of Consumers' Personal Information
11/27/2017 - Cyber Monday Could Shatter Sales Records
11/27/2017 - New Report Finds Giants Just 5 Years Away From Acquiring Offensive Weapons
11/27/2017 - Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does
11/27/2017 - Tips For Clean Eating
11/27/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Bravely Steps Outside His Liberal Bubble By Joining The KKK
11/27/2017 - Comedy Cellar Holds Night For Male Comedians To Workshop Sexual Harassment Apologies
11/27/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 27, 2017
11/27/2017 - Dying Woman Sorry She Won’t Get To See 37-Year-Old Son Grow Up
11/27/2017 - Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
11/27/2017 - Showerin’ Real Good Continues To Top Bridal Style Trends Of 2017
11/25/2017 - Nick Saban Undergoes Cosmetic Procedure To Unfold Arms
11/24/2017 - Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
11/23/2017 - Giants Players Beg Al Michaels Not To Use Their Real Names During Starting Lineup Introduction
11/23/2017 - Americans Buy $81 Million In Pies On Thanksgiving
11/23/2017 - NBC Camera Fails To Cut Away From Owners Booth In Time As Nude Jerry Jones Leaps Up From Hot Tub Following Touchdown
11/23/2017 - Total Fucking Idiot Won't Shut Up For Entire Football Game
11/23/2017 - Hank's Having A Great Time In The Studio Alone On Thanksgiving
11/23/2017 - Tips For Avoiding Conflict At Thanksgiving
11/23/2017 - Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
11/23/2017 - ‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting
11/22/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Remembers Audience Member Who Died From Ecstatic Convulsions Caused By His Epic Takedown Of Kim Jong-Un
11/22/2017 - Pumpkin Pry
11/22/2017 - Study: Sex Rarely Causes Heart To Stop
11/22/2017 - 40-Year-Old Has Spiky Hair
11/22/2017 - Memorable Moments From NFL Thanksgiving Games
11/22/2017 - The Onion Reviews ‘Coco’
11/22/2017 - New Historical Evidence Suggests Most Pilgrims Sailed Back Home To Celebrate First Thanksgiving
11/21/2017 - Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down
11/21/2017 - Charlie Rose Presses Self About Sexual Harassment Allegations In Tense Charlie Rose Interview
11/21/2017 - Trump To Spend Thanksgiving At Mar-a-Lago
11/21/2017 - Assistant Coach Finally Works Up Courage To Blow Whistle
11/21/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 21, 2017
11/21/2017 - Nearly Half Of Americans Have High Blood Pressure
11/21/2017 - Study Finds Humans Crave Sweet Foods Because They’re Weak—They’re Weak And They’re Small
11/21/2017 - Report: That Whole Side Of Family Just Like That
11/21/2017 - Successful U.S. Airstrike Kills 30 Iraqis Who May As Well Have Been Terrorists
11/20/2017 - Doctors Edit Living Patient's DNA For First Time
11/20/2017 - Frustrated Jesus Christ Forced To Find 22nd Vessel For Reincarnation After Death Of Charles Manson
11/20/2017 - Nutella Briefly Entertained As Lubricant
11/20/2017 - ‘
Piggies’
Written In Blood On Clouds Only Clue In Shocking Murder Of Six Angels
11/20/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Eviscerates The Journalism Industry For Existing Even Though His Show Already Does
11/20/2017 - Manson’s Loved Ones Ask For Complete, Utter Chaos In Their Time Of Grief
11/20/2017 - Report: Only 3% Of Conversations Actually Need To Happen
11/20/2017 - Substitute Teacher Can Tell He’s Filling In For Real Asshole
11/20/2017 - Justice Kennedy Out For Rest Of Session With Tear In Adjudicatory Tendon
11/20/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 20, 2017
11/20/2017 - George R.R. Martin Announces Next Book To Feature Pixies, Dracula
11/20/2017 - Mattel Debuts Barbie With Hijab
11/20/2017 - Report: Publicly Humiliating Unpopular Student Still Leading Cause Of Telekinetic Violence In U.S. High Schools
11/19/2017 - Only 4 Drivers Left Alive Go Into Final NASCAR Race Of Season
11/19/2017 - Giants Excited About Seeing Real NFL End Zone Up Close
11/19/2017 - Will The Masked Hero On The Celtics Ever Reveal His Secret Identity?
11/18/2017 - Should NASCAR Ban Uber Drivers?
11/17/2017 - Tips For Planning The Perfect Friendsgiving
11/17/2017 - White House Lifts Ban On Importing Elephant Trophies
11/17/2017 - Swollen Rex Tillerson Spotted Rushing To Place Mouth Over Leaks Spouting In Keystone Pipeline
11/17/2017 - Emergency Responders Working To Dislodge Commercial Jet From Thick, Polluted Cloud Over New Delhi
11/17/2017 - Trump Privately Terrified His Sexual Assault Victims Will Someday Come Forward
11/17/2017 - Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesn’t Constitute Sexual Harassment
11/17/2017 - Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability
11/17/2017 - How To Be A Savvy News Consumer
11/17/2017 - Parents Gently Explain To Son Why Family Dog Had To Be Blown Up With Dynamite
11/17/2017 - FDA Approves First Digital Pill
11/17/2017 - Obamas Reunited Live On TV For First Time Since Leaving White House
11/17/2017 - Frustrated Man Can’t Believe He Can Still Hear Construction Worker Hammering His Wife At This Hour
11/16/2017 - Democrats Call For Convincing Amount Of Condemnation For Al Franken
11/16/2017 - NASA Launches First ‘Space Nation’ Into Orbit
11/16/2017 - Roy Moore Disgusted By Thought Of Groping Breasts Of Sexually Mature Woman
11/16/2017 - Buyer Of $450 Million Da Vinci Painting Sort Of Assumed It Would Come With Frame
11/16/2017 - Al Franken Pledges To Make Up For Sexist Behavior Over Course Of Next Four Senate Terms
11/16/2017 - Christie's Auctioneer Throws In Sketch Of A Horse He Did To See If Anyone Bites
11/16/2017 - Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters
11/16/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Investigates School Vouchers In The Whole Rundown
11/16/2017 - Bar Table Scientists Awarded 4-Beer Grant To Complete Analysis On Why He’s Not Good Enough For You
11/16/2017 - Kid With Massive Head Probably Psychic
11/16/2017 - NFL Announces Plans To Stream ‘Thursday Night Football’ Exclusively On Delta Flights
11/16/2017 - Bill Gates Invests $80 Million In Arizona ‘Smart City’
11/16/2017 - Hollywood Removes Statue Of Louis B. Mayer Beckoning Judy Garland To Sit On His Lap
11/15/2017 - Florida School Selling Bulletproof Panels For Backpacks
11/15/2017 - Man At Job Interview Praying He Isn’t Asked About 2-Year Gap In Résumé When He Was Abducted By Aliens
11/15/2017 - Nutritionists Recommend 3-4 Daily Servings Of Anything That's About To Go Bad
11/15/2017 - How To Talk To A Family Member About Politics And Also The Fact That Their New Jewelry Business Is A Pyramid Scheme
11/15/2017 - New Babysitter Can Already Tell This Kind Of Kid Who Gets Naked For No Reason
11/15/2017 - Arguments For And Against School Uniforms
11/15/2017 - Deaf Jam
11/15/2017 - Archaeologists Unearth Earliest Known Shithole Located Super Far From Everywhere
11/15/2017 - Disney Announces New ‘Star Wars’ Trilogy, Live-Action Series
11/14/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Roy Moore
11/14/2017 - Unpaid Garment Workers Hide Pleas For Help In Zara Clothing
11/14/2017 - Staffers Frantically Trying To Restore Chaos To White House Before Trump Returns From Asia Trip
11/14/2017 - Adrenaline Supply Intended For Lifting Car Off Loved One Called Upon To Carry 4 Grocery Bags At Once
11/14/2017 - Lawn Mower Injured In Rand Paul Attack Returns To Work
11/14/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 14, 2017
11/14/2017 - I Never Would’ve Founded Microsoft If I Hadn’t Dropped Out Of College And Tortured The Guy Who Originally Had The Idea
11/14/2017 - Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder
11/14/2017 - Roy Moore Refusing To Withdraw From Alabama 13-Year-Old
11/14/2017 - Justice Department Allegedly Demands Sale Of CNN
11/14/2017 - Wrinkly, Oversized Trench Coat Returns To Stage For 34th Season With Local Community Theatre
11/14/2017 - Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover Identities
11/13/2017 - Pros And Cons Of Being A Feminist
11/13/2017 - Networks Cut Ties With Louis C.K. Over Harassment Allegations
11/13/2017 - Report: Hey, Stephen Tobolowsky Is In This!
11/13/2017 - Kevin Garnett Banging Head Against Wall Before Filming 'Inside The NBA' Segment
11/13/2017 - Roy Moore On Pedophilia Accusers: ‘These Women Are Only Discrediting Me Now Because Shifting Sociocultural Norms Have Created An Environment In Which Assault Allegations Are Taken Seriously’
11/13/2017 - Sebastian Moore Campaigns To Get His Face On The $20 Bill
11/13/2017 - Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person
11/13/2017 - Roy Moore Under Fire For New 'Children Are My Future' Ad Campaign
11/13/2017 - ‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car
11/13/2017 - How To Make A Difference
11/13/2017 - Glass-Encased AR-15 Behind Gun Shop Counter In Safest Hands It Will Ever Be
11/13/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 13, 2017
11/13/2017 - Facebook Asks For Users' Nude Photos To Combat Revenge Porn
11/13/2017 - Steven Spielberg Recalls Coming To Blows With E.T. On Film Set
11/13/2017 - Fox News Struggling To Attract Younger 60-75 Demographic
11/12/2017 - Can The Browns Still Rely On Josh Gordon For Quality Weed?
11/12/2017 - Stadium Crowd Unsure When It Okay To Sit After Honoring WWII Veteran
11/11/2017 - Jim Harbaugh Conducts Entire ESPN Interview With Whistle Clenched In Teeth
11/11/2017 - Lebron James Will Never Surpass Jordan Until He Leaves The NBA To Ride The Bench In Minor League Baseball
11/10/2017 - Toddler Scientists Finally Determine Number Of Peas That Fit Into Ear Canal
11/10/2017 - Area Man Afraid Some Woman Might Come Out Of The Woodwork To Hold Him Accountable For Something
11/10/2017 - Twitter Suspends Verification Process Over White Nationalist Scandal
11/10/2017 - Neither Boss Nor Employee Paid Enough To Deal With Each Other
11/10/2017 - Donna Brazile Says Hillary Rodham Clinton High Palace Of The Solar Order Was Almost Like A Cult
11/10/2017 - Tips For Writing Your College Admissions Essay
11/10/2017 - Amazon In Talks For ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Streaming Series
11/10/2017 - Flu Takes Down Biggest Guy In Office As Warning To Rest Of Staff
11/9/2017 - Top Activities To Enjoy This Fall
11/9/2017 - Disney Ends L.A. Times Ban After Backlash
11/9/2017 - Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher Plummers
11/9/2017 - Obama Sinks Family Savings Into Developing Presidential Tabletop Game
11/9/2017 - Report: Album As Good As ‘Sgt. Pepper’ Comes Out About Once Every Month
11/9/2017 - Courtroom Sketch Artist Has Clear Manga Influences
11/9/2017 - Doctors Discover Purpose Of Appendix Is To Contain Human Soul
11/9/2017 - Quick Scan Of Room Confirms Area Man Once Again Sweatiest Person Present
11/9/2017 - Justin Timberlake Already Beneath U.S. Bank Stadium Waiting For Super Bowl Halftime Show To Start
11/9/2017 - Scientists Discover ‘Void’ In Great Pyramid
11/9/2017 - Dice Rolled On Hot Dogs In Back Of Freezer
11/9/2017 - Pope Francis Pardons Those Who Dodged The Draft During Crusades
11/8/2017 - Transgender Heavy Metal Singer Elected In Virginia
11/8/2017 - Former Trump Advisor Carter Page Found Dumb In D.C. Hotel Room
11/8/2017 - The Gimp Factor
11/8/2017 - Hanes Apologizes, Pulls T-Shirts From Shelves After Seeing How Local Man Looks In Them
11/8/2017 - How Much Credit Does The Sitting President Deserve For The Tides?
11/8/2017 - ‘Any Song Can Be Sad If It Has Sad Memories Attached To It,’ Report Newly Single Sources
11/8/2017 - How The World Has Changed Since Trump’s Election
11/8/2017 - Doctors Warn Marshawn Lynch That Next Time He Goes Into Beast Mode Could Kill Him
11/8/2017 - Gender Inequality Worsened In 2017
11/8/2017 - Nation’s Parents Announce They Have Zero Fucking Patience For This Bullshit
11/8/2017 - Heaven Slides To Sixth Place In Annual Quality Of Afterlife Rankings
11/7/2017 - Russell Westbrook Briefly Forgets How To Dribble After Thinking About It Too Hard
11/7/2017 - Arguments For And Against Socialism
11/7/2017 - Stephen Hawking Warns About Dangers Of AI As Motorized Wheelchair Drives Toward Lake
11/7/2017 - ACLU Defends Blogger Accused Of Defaming Taylor Swift
11/7/2017 - While I May Disagree With His Choice Of Words, I Fully Support The President In Whatever It Is You’re Talking About That He Just Did
11/7/2017 - Weak-Willed Coward Changes Opinion After Learning He Was Wrong
11/7/2017 - New Pub To Cater To Needs Of Irish
11/7/2017 - Squirrel Who Really Chunked Out Unable To Look Neighborhood Residents In Eye
11/7/2017 - ‘Stranger Things 2’ Creators Say Keen Viewers Will Notice Twinge Of Disappointment Hidden In Every Scene
11/7/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 7, 2017
11/7/2017 - Ozone Hole Smallest Since 1988
11/6/2017 - Rogue Twitter Employee Briefly Deletes Trump’s Account
11/6/2017 - Paul Ryan Quickly Runs Tweet About Texas Shooting Past Wayne LaPierre Before Posting
11/6/2017 - Nation To Wait For More Facts On Texas Shooting Before Doing Absolutely Nothing About It
11/6/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 6, 2017
11/6/2017 - Japanese Company Gives Non-Smokers Extra Vacation Days
11/5/2017 - Is It Time For The Osweiler Family To Admit The Brock Osweiler Experiment Has Failed?
11/5/2017 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
11/4/2017 - How Much Success Can Dwyane Wade Have Coming Off The Bench To Greet LeBron?
11/4/2017 - MRI Reveals Anthony Davis' Knee Filled With More Eyebrows
11/3/2017 - Is It Time For The Osweiler Family To Admit The Brock Osweiler Experiment Has Failed?
11/3/2017 - Gothamist, DNAinfo Owner Shutters Sites After Vote To Unionize
11/3/2017 - Aides Gently Tell Trump He Can’t Bring All His Gold Lion Statues On Airplane
11/3/2017 - Itinerary For Trump’s Trip To Asia
11/3/2017 - Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back
11/3/2017 - White House Announces Obamacare Exchange Now Only Accessible From Single Kiosk In Remote Iowa Cornfield
11/3/2017 - Man Resolves To Read The Wikipedia Tabs He Already Has Open Before Starting New Ones
11/3/2017 - Woman Wearing Jacket Indulging In Forbidden Pleasure Of Having Pockets
11/3/2017 - U.K. County Bans Surgeries For Obese Patients And Smokers
11/2/2017 - How To Make The Most Of This Fall
11/2/2017 - DNC Unveils Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform In Response To Corruption Allegations
11/2/2017 - Facebook, Twitter Executives Testify To Congress About Russian Election Meddling
11/2/2017 - Beyoncé Begins Painful Surgical Transformation To Prepare For Role In Live-Action ‘Lion King’ Remake
11/2/2017 - Aaron Rodgers Balloons To 450 Pounds After Single Inactive Week In Wisconsin
11/2/2017 - Presidential Limo Guns It Around Corner In Attempt To Toss Robert Mueller From Roof
11/2/2017 - Kevin Spacey Responds To Assault Allegations By Seeking Treatment For Homosexuality
11/2/2017 - Purina Debuts New ‘Slovenly Feast’ For Nasty-Ass Shelter Cats
11/2/2017 - Excitement Shifts To Concern After Coworker Brings Baked Goods Into Office For Fourth Consecutive Day
11/2/2017 - Tips For Getting Organized
11/2/2017 - Study: Regular Pot Smokers Have More Sex
11/2/2017 - Delirious Koala Hasn't Slept For 72 Straight Minutes
11/2/2017 - White House Staff Frantically Shredding Trump Campaign Aides
11/2/2017 - Houston Residents Admit World Series Win Won’t Heal Hurricane-Ravaged City As Much As Super Bowl Win Would
11/1/2017 - Netflix Suspends ‘House Of Cards’ Over Kevin Spacey Assault Allegations
11/1/2017 - UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Is Immediately Suspending Production On Our Basketball Infographic Video Directed By Brett Ratner
11/1/2017 - UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Halted Production On Our Travel Tips Video Narrated By Jeremy Piven
11/1/2017 - ‘The Onion’ Is Canceling Our 15-Second Web Video Featuring Kevin Spacey
11/1/2017 - Trump Boys Attempting To Tunnel From South Lawn To FBI Headquarters To Free Paul Manafort From Custody
11/1/2017 - How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?
11/1/2017 - Office Bad Boy Sees Right Through Team-Building Exercise
11/1/2017 - Thai Dish Apparently Costs 3 Peppers
11/1/2017 - Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going
11/1/2017 - Climate Change Threatening Global Coffee Crops
11/1/2017 - Styrofoam To Spend Next 500 Years Reflecting On How Well It Protected Blender In Transport