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2017 October
10/31/2017 - Excitement Builds In Los Angeles To Have One Less Professional Sports Team Playing
10/31/2017 - Biden Hands Out Loose GT Cola Can To Unexpected Trick-Or-Treater
10/31/2017 - Family Without Candy Sits Huddled In Darkened House Like Londoners During The Blitz
10/31/2017 - Alpha Trick-Or-Treater Established By Third House
10/31/2017 - Kellogg’s Apologizes For Racially Insensitive Corn Pops Box
10/31/2017 - John Kelly Loses Seat On NAACP Board Of Directors
10/31/2017 - Nude Aides Huddled Around Trump Assure Him No One Wearing Wire
10/31/2017 - Dead-Eyed Man Has Been Looking For Non-Humiliating Halloween Costume For Past 2 Hours
10/31/2017 - Best Part Is Going Through Hoop, Reports Basketball
10/31/2017 - Tips To Avoid Wearing An Offensive Halloween Costume
10/31/2017 - Man Wouldn't Have Worn Costume To Work If He'd Known He Was Getting Laid Off
10/31/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 31, 2017
10/31/2017 - Handwritten Einstein Note Praising Modest Life Sells For $1.56 Million
10/31/2017 - Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA After Witnessing Murder On Ganymede
10/31/2017 - Most Popular Halloween Costumes For Couples
10/30/2017 - Tips For Throwing The Perfect Halloween Party
10/30/2017 - ‘I’ll Make Those Bastards Pay,’ Teary-Eyed Mueller Whispers Into Locket Containing Photo Of James Comey
10/30/2017 - Saudi Arabia Grants Robot Citizenship
10/30/2017 - Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen
10/30/2017 - Geologists Say Continents May Have Drifted Apart After Emotional Falling-Out
10/30/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 30, 2017
10/30/2017 - Study: Body Cameras Have No Impact On Police Behavior
10/30/2017 - Great, Daughter Measuring Self-Worth Against Some 13-Year-Old Named Skyla Now
10/30/2017 - Iceberg Sighs Contentedly As It Slowly Lowers Itself Into Warm Arctic Water
10/30/2017 - Pope Beatifies God In Important Step Toward Sainthood
10/29/2017 - How Many Children Does Philip Rivers Have Left In Him?
10/29/2017 - Everyone In Section Embarrassed For Grown Man With Handwritten Sign
10/29/2017 - Glade Releases New Spray To Make Home Smell Like Patriots Locker Room
10/28/2017 - A Dodgers World Series Win Would Help LA Heal After 'The Dark Tower'
10/28/2017 - College Student Blacks Out At Football Game
10/28/2017 - Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full
10/27/2017 - Entrance Fee For National Parks Could Be Increased To $70
10/27/2017 - Being Elected President And Then Assassinated: Could It Happen To You?
10/27/2017 - Most Incompetent Coworker Once Again Shines At Office Halloween Party
10/27/2017 - Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You
10/27/2017 - Chase Utley Freaks Out Dodgers With Spooky Story Of Home Run Ball That Was Never Found
10/27/2017 - What To Hand Out To Trick-Or-Treaters
10/27/2017 - Intelligence Briefing Interrupted By Sofa-Cushion-Wearing Trump Boys Volunteering To Fight In North Korea
10/27/2017 - Scientists: Mind Continues To Work After Death
10/27/2017 - Mother Can’t Believe 10-Year-Old Has Already Outgrown Mobility Scooter
10/27/2017 - 3-Week-Old Jack-O'-Lantern Excited To Give One Last Scare When Slightest Touch Causes It To Collapse Into Disgusting Mush
10/27/2017 - Startling Report Finds Evidence Democrats May Have Attempted To Influence 2016 Election
10/26/2017 - 2017 Sets All-Time Record For Store Closings
10/26/2017 - Nabisco Baffled After Trump Administration Gives It $200 Million Contract To Rebuild Puerto Rico’s Roads
10/26/2017 - Poll: 68% Of Americans Believe Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Like Asshole
10/26/2017 - ‘It’s Simply Bursting With Creative Wonder,’ Says Reviewer Of New Game Where Mario Sometimes Dresses As Chef
10/26/2017 - New Ketchup Gets Horrifying Look At Grisled, Almost Empty Bottle It Replacing
10/26/2017 - Tips For The Perfect Halloween Costume
10/26/2017 - Pope Francis Admits God Really Starting To Look Old
10/26/2017 - Puerto Ricans Without Power For Month Can Only Assume This Leading Story Across National News Media
10/26/2017 - Tips For Losing Weight
10/26/2017 - Aaron Rodgers Last Player Left In Hospital Waiting Room
10/26/2017 - Study: Insect Populations Declined 75% Over Last 30 Years
10/26/2017 - OB-GYN Kind Of Annoyed She Has To Confirm Woman’s Premonition About Sex Of Baby That Came To Her In Dream
10/25/2017 - Steph Curry Loudly Chewing On Huge Wad Of Mouthguards
10/25/2017 - China Launching ‘Social Credit’ App That Rates Citizens’ Loyalty
10/25/2017 - Russian Interference Had No Impact On Election, Reports Website Created 8 Minutes Ago
10/25/2017 - Vatican City Zoo Struggling To Breed First Angel In Captivity
10/25/2017 - PT Boat Sent Up Overgrown, Booby-Trapped Potomac River To Find Deranged John Kelly
10/25/2017 - Aging Website Wondering Why No One Ever Visits It Anymore
10/25/2017 - Report: Suddenly Remembering To Sit Up Straight Once A Month Best Way To Keep Back Healthy Into Old Age
10/25/2017 - Lice Having Blast Trying Out Different Wigs At Costume Shop
10/25/2017 - ‘Nude Mona Lisa’ May Be Work Of Da Vinci
10/24/2017 - Amazon Mistakenly Delivers 63 Pounds Of Marijuana To Couple
10/24/2017 - The Great Chumpkin
10/24/2017 - Jeff Bezos’ Heart Breaks A Little Reading Albany’s Amazon Headquarters Pitch
10/24/2017 - Rams Simulate Playing Giants by Pumping Crowd Groans Into Speakers
10/24/2017 - Internet Crashes As Billions Of People Go Online To Purchase The Onion’s Latest Book, ‘The Trump Leaks’
10/24/2017 - Knife Condemned To Week Inside Saran-Wrapped Brownie Pan
10/24/2017 - Frantic, Last-Second Study Finds Old-Fashioned Donut Better For You Than Bavarian Cream
10/24/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 24, 2017
10/24/2017 - My Brush With Death Taught Me To Treasure Every Time ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’ Comes On
10/24/2017 - How Social Media Is Changing Our Lives
10/24/2017 - Nutritious Lunch Brought From Home Broadcasts Middle-Aged Coworker’s Recent Health Scare Loud And Clear
10/24/2017 - AI Scientists Theorize Existence Of Numbers Greater Than 1
10/24/2017 - Study: Men’s And Women’s Brains React Differently To Helping Others
10/23/2017 - Eagles Ask Fans To Throw Bottles Responsibly
10/23/2017 - Trump To Allow Release Of Classified JFK Documents
10/23/2017 - Spurs Unveil Statue Of Tim Duncan Recycling
10/23/2017 - Trump Called Up For Vietnam Service After Last Of Draft Deferments Expires
10/23/2017 - Area Woman Lovingly Lint Rolling Cardigan As If Tending To Prized Stallion
10/23/2017 - New EPA Study Finds 98% Of U.S. Mop Water Fucking Nasty As Hell
10/23/2017 - Nation Demands More Slow-Motion Footage Of Running Basset Hounds
10/23/2017 - Happy Monday, Everyone! Looking Forward To Another Week Of Infecting Every Aspect Of Your Daily Lives!
10/23/2017 - Self-Conscious Panda Swears It Overheard Zookeeper Refer To It As ‘
Giant’
10/23/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 23, 2017
10/23/2017 - Study: Screen Time Delays Speech Development In Young Children
10/22/2017 - Bears Fans Jealous Of Soldier Field Security Guards With Back To Game
10/22/2017 - Fox NFL Sunday Adds Second Terry Bradshaw
10/21/2017 - NCAA Suspends Penn State Another 3 Years After Remembering Everything They Did
10/20/2017 - George W. Bush Warns Of Rise Of Conspiracy Theories
10/20/2017 - Man Wishes Live Nation Would Email Him Whenever Any Band Playing Anywhere
10/20/2017 - New Study Finds You’d Love Being Rich Asshole
10/20/2017 - Could Alabama's Diving Team Beat The Browns Diving Team?
10/20/2017 - Should Belichick Miss The Birth Of His Demon Spawn To Coach Game?
10/20/2017 - Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay
10/20/2017 - 'He Made The Ultimate Sacrifice,' Trump Tells Military Widow About Scooby-Doo Putting Up With Scrappy-Doo
10/20/2017 - Former Blink 182 Guitarist Crowdfunding Spaceship
10/20/2017 - Motion Picture Academy Releases Complete List Of Films That Can Be Enjoyed Without Supporting Sexual Predator
10/20/2017 - Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace As Hundreds Of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him
10/19/2017 - Chiefs Trainer Squirts Bottle Of KC Masterpiece Into Andy Reid's Mouth
10/19/2017 - Dribbling Carmelo Anthony Demands Ball
10/19/2017 - John Kelly Explains To Furious Trump That Gold Star Widow Cannot Be Demoted To Silver Star Widow
10/19/2017 - Nation’s Entertainment Reporters Return To Celeb Beach Body Beat Following Coverage Of Weinstein Scandal
10/19/2017 - ‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier
10/19/2017 - Trump Drops 92 Spots On List Of Richest Americans
10/19/2017 - Trump Comforts Grieving War Widow By Assuring Her He Will Never Die
10/19/2017 - ‘
Make Daddy Die’
Whispered Into Build-A-Bear
10/19/2017 - Report: 98% Of BattleBots Suffer Debilitating CPU Injuries
10/19/2017 - The Onion's Top 5 Horror Movies Of All Time
10/19/2017 - St. Peter Scrambling To Throw Few More Innocent Souls Into Hell To Meet Monthly Quota
10/19/2017 - Bo, Sunny Obama Announce Selection Of Artist For Their Official Portraits
10/19/2017 - Area Dad To Spend Next Few Days Or So Telling Son It Important To Respect Women
10/19/2017 - Third Royal Baby Due In April
10/19/2017 - Tips For Organizing A Protest
10/18/2017 - Abandoned Chinese Space Station On Collision Course With Earth
10/18/2017 - Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrolling
10/18/2017 - Negative Parent-Teacher Conference Not Exactly Eye-Opening For Area Mother
10/18/2017 - How Fake News Led President Trump To Believe ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ Was By Matchbox 20
10/18/2017 - New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles
10/18/2017 - California Law Requires Pet Stores To Sell Rescue Animals
10/18/2017 - 1-800-EAT-SHIT Finally Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data
10/18/2017 - Report: Bridge Probably Has Whole Mess Of Bats Under There
10/18/2017 - Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy
10/17/2017 - The Casting Grouch
10/17/2017 - Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God
10/17/2017 - Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick
10/17/2017 - Pollution Exposure During Pregnancy May Shorten Baby’s Life
10/17/2017 - Fuck, I Totally Forgot To Fight For Women’s Rights And Promote Sustainability
10/17/2017 - Halloween By The Numbers
10/17/2017 - Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work
10/17/2017 - Scientists Warn Yellowstone Supervolcano Could Erupt Sooner Than Thought
10/17/2017 - How Gerrymandering Works
10/17/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 17, 2017
10/16/2017 - Tips To Spice Up Your Sex Life
10/16/2017 - Snakes On Caduceus Clearly In Love
10/16/2017 - Larry Flynt Offers $10 Million Reward For Info Leading To Trump Impeachment
10/16/2017 - Starbucks Offering New Lukewarm Coffee To Help Ease Customers’ Transition From Iced To Hot
10/16/2017 - Trump Administration Sends 30 Million Nothing To Puerto Rico Victims
10/16/2017 - MLB Warns Homerun Hitters League Almost Out Of Balls
10/16/2017 - Study Finds Flushing Toilets Wastes Billions Of Gallons Of Piss And Shit Annually
10/16/2017 - UCLA Offering Depression Screenings For All Incoming Students
10/16/2017 - Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet
10/16/2017 - Man Embarrassed Thinking About Every Opinion He’s Ever Articulated
10/16/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 16, 2017
10/15/2017 - Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota
10/15/2017 - Strongside/Weakside: Mike Tomlin
10/15/2017 - It’s Time To Have A National Dialogue About Race Cars
10/15/2017 - Paper Bag Removed For National Anthem
10/14/2017 - Will The Cavaliers And Celtics Meet Again During The Regular Season?
10/13/2017 - Exhausted Trump Supporter Just Decides Massive Cuts To Healthcare Subsidies Reason He Voted For Him
10/13/2017 - Historians Discover Meditation Spread From Ancient China By Annoying Monk Who Wouldn’t Shut Up About How It Changed His Life
10/13/2017 - Report: 17 New Species Of Bacteria Found Every Day In World’s Rainforest Cafés
10/13/2017 - Boys Scouts Will Allow Girls To Join
10/13/2017 - Friend Moving Apartments Probably Just Going To Rent U-Haul, Have Nervous Breakdown
10/13/2017 - Report: Today’s Teens Taking Longer To Grow Up
10/12/2017 - ‘Star Trek’ By The Numbers
10/12/2017 - Tamagotchi Digital Pets Return To Market
10/12/2017 - Study Finds First Life Forms Migrated To Earth Via Interplanetary Land Bridge
10/12/2017 - Emotionally Abusive Social Media Site Continuously Manipulating Woman Into Staying
10/12/2017 - Report: You Have Won!
10/12/2017 - Nation’s Women Clarify They Harbor No Secret Desire To See Colleagues’, Acquaintances’, Strangers’ Genitals
10/12/2017 - Researchers Forced To Scrap Another Sleep Study After Participants Murdered In Dreams By Serial Killer
10/12/2017 - A Timeline Of Construction On The White House
10/12/2017 - Fans Increasingly Unable To Recover In Time For Thursday Night Games
10/12/2017 - Study: Universe Probably Not Computer Simulation
10/11/2017 - NFL Considering Forcing Players To Stand During Anthem
10/11/2017 - Documentary Crew’s Night Vision Camera Captures Inquisitive Jim Harbaugh Poking Lens
10/11/2017 - Nation Schedules Recurring Monthly Benefit Concert To Streamline Tragedy Response Process
10/11/2017 - Online Activists Unsure About Offensiveness Of Article, Figure They’ll Destroy Author’s Life Just In Case
10/11/2017 - Homeless Man Describes Horrors Of Sleeping In Public Park During Community Theater Production Of ‘The Tempest’
10/11/2017 - There Autumn Be A Law
10/11/2017 - Scientists: Oceans Provide Enough Wind Power For All Civilization
10/11/2017 - Polar Bear Cub Just Knows He’s Going To Be Last Of Species
10/11/2017 - Man Already Has Whole Sentence Lined Up For Later In Conversation
10/10/2017 - Dove Apologizes For Ad Accused Of Racism
10/10/2017 - EPA Promotes Pulsating Black Sludge To Deputy Director
10/10/2017 - Millions Of Moms Set Out On Pilgrimage To Premium Outlet Center
10/10/2017 - Dining Out Vs. Home Cooking
10/10/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 10, 2017
10/10/2017 - Bring Your Love To Me
10/10/2017 - AOL Instant Messenger Shutting Down Permanently
10/10/2017 - Gerbil Running Late Will Have To Eat Her Babies On The Go
10/10/2017 - Growing ‘Fat-Earther’ Movement Believes Planet 2.4 Quintillion Pounds Overweight
10/9/2017 - Pros And Cons Of Celebrating Columbus Day
10/9/2017 - Pro-Life Congressman Who Asked Mistress To Abort Will Resign
10/9/2017 - Report: Gross-Ass Gourd All Bumpy And Shit
10/9/2017 - 76ers Hoping Joel Embiid Can Return To Pre-NBA Form
10/9/2017 - Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film ‘Death At Pooh Corner’
10/9/2017 - Report: New STD Cases Hit Record High In 2016
10/9/2017 - New Study Finds Average American Stands No Chance Against What’s Coming
10/9/2017 - Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
10/9/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 9, 2017
10/8/2017 - NFL Pregame Ceremony Honors Retired 52-Year-Old Cornerback As Oldest Living Former Player
10/8/2017 - Strongside/Weakside: DeShaun Watson
10/8/2017 - Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott
10/8/2017 - Stadium Delighted By Football Falling Off Kicking Tee
10/8/2017 - Should The Patriots Back Up Tom Brady On A Hard Drive?
10/7/2017 - How Many Games Will The Chicago Bulls Attend This Season?
10/7/2017 - Offsides Lineman Pointing At Other Team Not To Be Trusted
10/7/2017 - Woman Comes Forward With First Allegations Of Biggest Sexual Harassment Scandal Of 2036
10/6/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Bowe Bergdahl
10/6/2017 - ‘How Could Harvey Weinstein Get Away With This?’ Asks Man Currently Ignoring Sexual Misconduct Of 17 Separate Coworkers, Friends, Acquaintances
10/6/2017 - Anti-Nuclear Weapons Organization Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
10/6/2017 - Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once
10/6/2017 - Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall
10/6/2017 - World Health Organization Releases Top 10 Most Fucked Up Causes Of Death
10/6/2017 - Mortified Tampax CEO Bursts Into Tears And Runs Out Of Boardroom After Tampon Falls Out Of Briefcase
10/6/2017 - Americans Are Tired Of The Same Old Pandering And Stale Ideas We’re Going To Keep Offering Them
10/6/2017 - Study: Humans Caught Herpes From Ancient Hominin Ancestor
10/5/2017 - Bill Belichick’s Challenge Flag Transforms Into Swarm Of Snakes After Hitting Ground
10/5/2017 - Tom Brady Applies Eye Black To Crow’s Feet
10/5/2017 - Report: Breathing Can Extend Lifespan By Several Decades
10/5/2017 - Study: Playing Outdoors Protects Against Nearsightedness
10/5/2017 - Nation’s Police Officers Now Too Heavily Armed To Go Undercover Convincingly
10/5/2017 - Newspaper Starting To Worry Spending So Much Time On Facebook Not Healthy For It
10/5/2017 - Adult Film Industry Replaces 500 Porn Stars With Hydraulic Robotic Fisting Arm
10/5/2017 - The 2020 Election Could Only Go These 500 Ways
10/5/2017 - How Donald Trump’s Election Has Been Hurting His Businesses
10/5/2017 - Nation’s Dads Announce Plans To Trade In The Dodge For Something With A Little More Zip
10/5/2017 - A Timeline Of Presidential Communication
10/5/2017 - Yahoo Confirms Data Breach Affected 100% Of Accounts
10/4/2017 - Google, Facebook Spread Misinformation About Las Vegas Shooting
10/4/2017 - New Bill Would Limit Abortion To Cases Where Procedure Necessary To Save Promising Political Career
10/4/2017 - Stunned Family Watches As Grandmother Wolfs Down Sandwich In 33 Minutes
10/4/2017 - Side Salad Clearly Made From Hamburger Toppings
10/4/2017 - Twitter Testing 280-Character Limit
10/4/2017 - Marvel Hints At Upcoming Death Of Stan Lee
10/4/2017 - Subway Sandwich Emits Noxious Honey Mustard Spray As Defense Against Predators
10/4/2017 - NHL Warns Hockey Fans That Banging On Glass Scares Players
10/4/2017 - Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You
10/3/2017 - 5 Things To Watch For in the MLB Playoff
10/3/2017 - What We Know About ‘Star Wars: Episode VIII–The Last Jedi’ So Far
10/3/2017 - Experts Warn Against Eyeball Tattoo Trend
10/3/2017 - White House: ‘This Is Not The Geologic Era To Debate Gun Control’
10/3/2017 - Man Worried Any Crazy Person Could Get Hands On Congressional Seat
10/3/2017 - John Cena Gets Argyle Wool Singlet Out From Cedar Chest In Preparation For AutumnSlam
10/3/2017 - A Timeline Of The Space Race
10/3/2017 - NFL Urine Tankers Arrive At League’s Drug Testing Facility
10/3/2017 - O Say Can You Knee?
10/3/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 3, 2017
10/3/2017 - Those Close To Nation Say It Showed Dozens Of Warning Signs Leading Up To Massacre
10/3/2017 - Man Pretty Sure He Could Run This Company Into Ground Way Better Than Boss
10/3/2017 - Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too
10/3/2017 - Ice Cube That Man Couldn’t Pry From Tray Lives To See Another Day
10/3/2017 - Report: Only 1 In 3 Preschool Graduates Has Necessary Animal Sound Skills Upon Entering Zoo
10/3/2017 - CVS Limiting Opioid Prescriptions To Seven Days
10/2/2017 - This Shooting Isn’t About Gun Control We Refuse To Pass, It’s About Access To Mental Health Care We’re Continuing To Gut
10/2/2017 - NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting People’s Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings
10/2/2017 - Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason
10/2/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 2, 2017
10/2/2017 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
10/1/2017 - Marijuana Smoke Billowing From Sides Of Le’Veon Bell’s Visor
10/1/2017 - Strongside/Weakside: Eli Manning
10/1/2017 - Will Louisville Be Able To Recruit Elite Prostitutes Without Pitino?
10/1/2017 - Strongside/Weakside: Trevor Siemian
10/1/2017 - Tearful Sir Saint Announces Decision To Euthanize Aging Gumbo The Dog