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2018 August
8/31/2018 - Evolution Definitively Proven As Scientists Capture First-Ever Footage Of Chimpanzee Transforming Into Human
8/31/2018 - Trump Disapproval Rating Reaches All-Time None Of This Matters
8/31/2018 - Trump Teeters On White House Ledge Weighing Pros And Cons Of Killing Self Right Now To Distract From McCain’s Funeral
8/31/2018 - Eminem Horrified Upon Being Informed That ‘Faggot’ Actually A Harmful Gay Slur
8/31/2018 - Jeffrey Dahmer Estate Releases Collection Of Never-Before-Seen Victim Remains
8/31/2018 - Restaurant Entrance Doesn’t Work All Damn Day To Be Called ‘Other Door’
8/31/2018 - Free Toothpick Transforms Schlubby Restaurant-Goer Into Aloof Bad Boy
8/31/2018 - Dad Just Wants Nice, Simple Xbox One For Checking Email
8/31/2018 - Relationship Experts Recommend Telling Woman You Would Die For Her At Outset Of First Date
8/31/2018 - Timeline Of The American Education System
8/31/2018 - Report: High School Marching Band Definitely In Shape Of Something
8/31/2018 - Does Notre Dame’s Mascot Trivialize The Heartbreaking Genocide Of Leprechauns?
8/31/2018 - Warden Scrambling To Find Ways To Punish Striking Inmates Worse Than Their Typical Living Conditions
8/31/2018 - CDC Reports Surge In Sexually Transmitted Disease
8/30/2018 - Ron DeSantis Clarifies That ‘Monkey’ Comment Was Intended As Subtle Enough Dog Whistle To Get Away With
8/30/2018 - University Admits It Pretty Weird They Let Bunch Of 20-Year-Olds Live In Big Mansion And Torture Each Other
8/30/2018 - Eagles Hang Beer-Drenched, Charred Super Bowl Banner
8/30/2018 - Political Scientists Reassure Americans That Stripping Minorities Of Citizenship Usually Where Descent Into Fascism Peters Out
8/30/2018 - White House Counsel To Step Down In Fall
8/30/2018 - Praying Mantis Hesitantly Agrees To Try Girlfriend’s Sexual Fantasy Of Eating His Head During Intercourse
8/30/2018 - Ryan Zinke Calls For Legislation To Slow Down Destruction Of Wildlife So He Can Truly Savor Every Minute Of It
8/30/2018 - NRA Praised For Decreasing Stigma Of Mentally Ill Acquiring Firearms
8/30/2018 - Do The Buccaneers Regret Bringing In A Sexual Predator To Mentor Jameis Winston
?
8/30/2018 - Woman Who Has Been Let Down By So Many Leave-In Conditioners Can’t Bear To Put Herself Out There Again
8/30/2018 - Man Wishes There Was Some Sort Of Sign He Could Put On His House To Let Visitors Know He Has Gone Fishing
8/30/2018 - Great Villains In Cinema History
8/30/2018 - Report Finds Poor Often Hit Hardest By 18-Wheelers
8/30/2018 - U.S. Judge Bans 3D-Printed Gun Blueprints
8/30/2018 - Nick Foles Reveals He Turned Down Big Volunteer Opportunities At Church To Remain With Eagles
8/30/2018 - White Supremacist Living Fulfilling Racist Life Since Getting Kicked Offline
8/29/2018 - Manafort Sought Plea Deal Before Talks Broke Down
8/29/2018 - Satan Refuses To Accept Any More Catholic Priests In Hell
8/29/2018 - 6th-Graders Feel Kind Of Bad After Seeing How Easy It Was To Make Young Teacher Cry
8/29/2018 - Choking Man Can Already Tell Good Samaritan Has No Fucking Clue What They’re Doing
8/29/2018 - Elon Musk Unveils New Clean Energy Luxury Car Pulled By 8 Tesla Employees
8/29/2018 - Trump Revokes Puerto Rico Recovery Funds After Learning Hurricane Maria Had Fewer Survivors
8/29/2018 - 5-Year-Old Admits It Pretty Messed Up Spider-Man Visiting His Birthday Party When He Could Be Out Saving Lives
8/29/2018 - Vatican Officials Quietly Paint Over Part Of Sistine Chapel Where Michelangelo Depicted Adam Fingering Cherub
8/29/2018 - A Look At The Class Of 2022
8/29/2018 - So-Called Professional Gamer Not Even Racist
8/29/2018 - Poll: 70% Of Americans Support Medicare For All
8/28/2018 - Tips For Making The Most Of Your Next Doctor’s Visit
8/28/2018 - Louis C.K. Fan Disappointed At Lack Of Psychosexual Power Games In New Material
8/28/2018 - Pope Promises More Open, Transparent Molestation In Future
8/28/2018 - Humiliation Of Women Receives 10 Billionth Standing Ovation
8/28/2018 - NRA Calls For Department Of Education To Provide Every Student With Body Bag
8/28/2018 - Dick Pulled Back Out Again
8/28/2018 - No Amount Of Alcohol Good For You, Report Finds
8/28/2018 - Trump: ‘I Remember Flying The Plane That Bombed The USS Arizona During Pearl Harbor’
8/28/2018 - Republicans Outraged Over RedTube Censoring Of Conservative Voices
8/28/2018 - New Ted Cruz Campaign Ad Features His Kids Begging For Beto O’Rourke To Be Their New Dad
8/28/2018 - White House Flag Now Moving Minute To Minute To Indicate Trump’s Mood
8/28/2018 - Raid Recalls Entire Line Of Insecticide After Realizing Food Chain Would Collapse Without Bugs
8/28/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 28, 2018
8/28/2018 - Button-Up Shirt Goes On Life-Changing Odyssey Around Dry Cleaner’s Garment Conveyor
8/28/2018 - Flooding The Airwaves
8/28/2018 - Coin Collector Has Some Pretty Fucking Nice Coins
8/28/2018 - Idris Elba Says He Will Not Be The Next James Bond
8/27/2018 - New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Teaser Shows Cackling, Power-Mad George R.R. Martin Burning Completed ‘Winds Of Winter’ Manuscript
8/27/2018 - Rafael Nadal Reminds Self It Called ‘Football’ Over There
8/27/2018 - High School Bully Ready To Unload Summer Vacation’s Worth Of Abuse
8/27/2018 - Kroger Phasing Out Plastic Bags By 2025
8/27/2018 - Researchers No Closer To Understanding What The Fuck You’re Talking About
8/27/2018 - Juul Unveils Sleek New E-Smoker
8/27/2018 - Florida Passes Strict Ban On Being Unarmed
8/27/2018 - White House Releases Moving Statement Honoring Woman Who Called Obama An Arab In 2008
8/27/2018 - Report: John Lennon Probably Would Have Eventually Died Anyway
8/27/2018 - 70,000 Burning Man Attendees Die Of Dehydration After Thinking Someone Else Was Bringing The Water
8/27/2018 - Father Sits Teenage Son Down To Explain How Sex With Mom Works
8/27/2018 - Deeply Indebted Abraham Lincoln Nonprofit May Sell President’s Stovepipe Hat
8/27/2018 - Mail For Former Resident Looks Important
8/27/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 27, 2018
8/25/2018 - Alleged Nazi War Criminal Deported Back To Germany
8/24/2018 - Low-Carb Diet Linked To Dying Young
8/24/2018 - John McCain Requests Ashes Be Launched Into Iraq
8/24/2018 - GOP Leaders Demand Congressman Duncan Hunter’s Resignation After Discovering He Poor
8/24/2018 - Meghan McCain Forced To Live Out Socialist Nightmare Of Empathy For Sick Person
8/24/2018 - Wallace Shawn Emerges As Frontrunner To Replace Daniel Craig As James Bond
8/24/2018 - Obama Finishes Production On New Netflix Reality Series Where 24 Young Women Vie For Heart Of Former President
8/24/2018 - Sessions Argues Justice Department Will Not Be Swayed By Political Considerations Outside Private Prison Lobbyists, Wall Street Donors, Anti-LGBT Christian Activists
8/24/2018 - Inconsiderate Passenger Takes Up Entire Overhead Bin
8/24/2018 - Baseball Statisticians Unveil New Analytics Model Measuring Precise Amount Of Joy They Suck From The Game
8/24/2018 - Tips For Winning Escape Rooms
8/24/2018 - Green Energy Scientists Unveil 800,000-Ton Potato Capable Of Powering Entire City
8/24/2018 - Does Jimmy Garoppolo Have What It Takes To Start His Own Sham Fitness And Diet Program?
8/24/2018 - Third-Grader Watching Another Year Of Back To School Commercials Suddenly Realizes He’ll Die One Day
8/23/2018 - GOP Gasps As Red-Eyed Shadow Counsel Smashes Out Of Gestation Tank
8/23/2018 - American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’
8/23/2018 - Newly Unearthed Journals Reveal J. Robert Oppenheimer Annoyed Trinity Test Researchers By Quoting ‘Bhagavad Gita’ Every Time They Did Anything
8/23/2018 - EPA’s New Coal Rule Could Cause 1,400 More Deaths Per Year
8/23/2018 - Sen. Hatch Says Trump Allegations Not Serious Enough That Scales Should Fall From Eyes Revealing What Madness We Have Begotten
8/23/2018 - NFL Players Absolutely Should Stand For The ‘Sunday Night Football’ Theme
8/23/2018 - New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch
8/23/2018 - God Irritated Guests Do Not Understand It Time To Leave Heaven
8/23/2018 - ‘En Passant,’ Whispers Mueller As He Knocks Another Pawn Off Chessboard In Shadowy, Dimly Lit Office
8/23/2018 - American Classmates Having Difficulty Understanding Better Educated Foreign Exchange Student
8/23/2018 - U.S. Healthcare Administrative Costs By The Numbers
8/23/2018 - Students Excited To See Slate Of Notable Speakers Who Will Be Disinvited To Campus This Year
8/23/2018 - Andrew Luck Vows To Bring Indianapolis Fans Another Great Pizza Ad
8/23/2018 - Job Candidate Awaiting Interviewer Just Smiling, Making Enthusiastic Eye Contact With Every Passerby In Lobby
8/23/2018 - Michael Cohen Reaches Plea Deal With Prosecutors
8/22/2018 - Aspiring Felon Moved By Man Who Didn’t Get First 8 Convictions Until His 60s
8/22/2018 - Trump Boys Frantically Burning Stacks Of Printed-Out Emails To Eliminate Paper Trail
8/22/2018 - D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T
8/22/2018 - Paul Manafort Found Guilty Of 8 Counts Of Fraud
8/22/2018 - Nation Would Be Totally Fine Just Doing World Series Now
8/22/2018 - GOP Quick To Point Out That Michael Cohen Was Merely RNC’s Deputy Finance Chairman
8/22/2018 - Mueller Immediately Regrets Coercing Michael Cohen To Flip On Trump After Having To Spend Time With Him
8/22/2018 - Gwyneth Paltrow Reveals Secret To Her Healthy, Radiant Skin Eating 20 Pounds Of Kielbasa A Day
8/22/2018 - Nation Shudders To Think How Bad Things Would Seem If They Didn’t Have Access To A Never-Ending Torrent Of Free Pornography
8/22/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Trump’s Space Force
8/22/2018 - Landlord Promises To Figure Out Why Leaky Ceiling Not His Fault
8/22/2018 - Pope Francis Pens Scathing Letter About Abuse Scandal
8/21/2018 - Hundreds Of People Exactly Like Manafort, Cohen Enjoy Another Day Without Any Consequences Whatsoever
8/21/2018 - PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens
8/21/2018 - Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’
8/21/2018 - Tips For Getting Better At Crosswords
8/21/2018 - Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’
8/21/2018 - Obama Endorses Not Doing Goddamn Thing To Fix Illinois In Midterms
8/21/2018 - Doctors Clear Ben Roethlisberger For Unwanted Contact
8/21/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 21, 2018
8/21/2018 - New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin
8/21/2018 - Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017
8/21/2018 - LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums
8/20/2018 - Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees
8/20/2018 - Melania Trump: ‘My Fat Piece-Of-Shit Husband Who Should Go Kill Himself Needs To Stop Bullying People Online’
8/20/2018 - Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump
8/20/2018 - Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price
8/20/2018 - Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms
8/20/2018 - Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies
8/20/2018 - Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This
8/20/2018 - Lunch Place Uses Way Too Much Mayo In Fruit Salad
8/20/2018 - Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime
8/20/2018 - Law School Applications Increase Upon Realization That Any Fucking Idiot Can Be Lawyer
8/20/2018 - Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump
8/20/2018 - Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem
8/20/2018 - India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People
8/20/2018 - Penny Not So Lucky For Tortured Soul Of Lincoln Trapped Inside
8/20/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 20, 2018
8/19/2018 - Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users
8/18/2018 - Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count
8/17/2018 - Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles
8/17/2018 - Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’
8/17/2018 - Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice
8/17/2018 - Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased
8/17/2018 - Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog
8/17/2018 - ‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back
8/17/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps
8/17/2018 - World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast
8/17/2018 - Man Not Even The Hot Kind
8/17/2018 - Should The NFL Eliminate The Off-Season?
8/17/2018 - West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star
8/17/2018 - Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once
8/17/2018 - Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look
8/17/2018 - Hotshot Peasant Has Window
8/17/2018 - Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings
8/17/2018 - Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons
8/17/2018 - Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant
8/16/2018 - Fox News Apologizes For Mistaking Patti LaBelle For Aretha Franklin
8/16/2018 - NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It
8/16/2018 - White House Honors Aretha Franklin By Not Releasing Official Statement On Her Death
8/16/2018 - Should The MLB Ban Infield Shapeshifting?
8/16/2018 - MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers
8/16/2018 - Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance
8/16/2018 - How To Keep Your Smartphone From Ruining Your Vacation
8/16/2018 - Report: Someone Robbed That KFC Again
8/16/2018 - Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party
8/16/2018 - Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press
8/16/2018 - Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’
8/16/2018 - Allow Me To Demon ‘Strate
8/16/2018 - Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture
8/16/2018 - NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season
8/16/2018 - NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There
8/16/2018 - Ice In Urinal Just Cherry On Top For Man Who Came To Club To Drink Piss
8/15/2018 - North, South Korea Agree To Summit In Pyongyang
8/15/2018 - Chris Columbus Admits There Are Hours Of ‘Home Alone 2’ Outtakes Featuring Trump Saying Racial Slurs
8/15/2018 - Report: Statistically Speaking There’s Decent Chance Pope Francis Molested Someone
8/15/2018 - Senate Republicans Promise There Will Be Plenty Of Time To Review Kavanaugh Writings When They Become Law Of Land
8/15/2018 - Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus
8/15/2018 - Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It
8/15/2018 - Study Finds That All The Worst People Will Outlive You
8/15/2018 - Fantasizing Priest Accidentally Turns Communion Wafer Into Body Of Altar Boy
8/15/2018 - The Onion Reviews ‘Crazy Rich Asians’
8/15/2018 - The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’
8/15/2018 - Arby’s Releases Barbara Bush Tribute Edition Curly Fries
8/15/2018 - More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media
8/15/2018 - Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything
8/14/2018 - Omarosa Searches Through Tapes Of Everyone Else In White House Using N-Word For One Of Trump
8/14/2018 - Omarosa Plays Tapes Of Firing By John Kelly
8/14/2018 - Elon Musk Gives Saudi Investors Presentation On New Autonomous Beheading Machine For Adulterers
8/14/2018 - Bill Belichick Announces This Final Season He Will Coach In Current Mortal Form
8/14/2018 - Caterpillar In Pupal Stage For Past 3 Months Going To Be Pissed If It Turns Out To Be Moth
8/14/2018 - I’m Not Sure Why I Should Suffer For Something I Did 10 Years Ago And Would Do Again In A Heartbeat
8/14/2018 - Trump Slammed For Signing John McCain Defense Bill Without Praising How Many People It Will Kill
8/14/2018 - Q Forced To Resign From Department Of Agriculture For Improper Filing Of Expense Reports
8/14/2018 - Mayor Of Phoenix Apologizes For Naming Berlin Germany Of 1941 As Sister City
8/14/2018 - Sarah Huckabee Sanders Unable To Answer Any Questions About Administration After Signing Non-Disclosure Agreement
8/14/2018 - Area Man Would Have Done Things Differently If He Were Killer In Movie
8/14/2018 - Rashida Tlaib Set To Be First Muslim American Woman In Congress
8/14/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 14, 2018
8/13/2018 - Orca Mother Carries Around Dead Calf For Two Weeks As Warning To All Who Would Defy Her
8/13/2018 - Unhinged Man With Jackhammer Slips Into Construction Site Undetected
8/13/2018 - Counter Protesters Far Outnumber White Nationalists At ‘Unite The Right’
8/13/2018 - Rudy Giuliani Backtracks On Previous Statements Referring To 9/11 As Tragedy
8/13/2018 - Mother Annoyed Son Playing Video Games On Beautiful Day When He Could Go Outside To Kill People
8/13/2018 - ‘Join Email List’ Box Pre-Checked Like Sneaky, Conniving Fucker It Is
8/13/2018 - Crestfallen ‘Unite The Right’ Organizer Eats Swastika Cake Alone After No One Shows Up To His Rally
8/13/2018 - Trump Condemns White House Staffers’ Use Of Secret Recording Studio
8/13/2018 - Millions Of White Nationalists Gather In Streets, Offices Around Country To Normally Go About Day
8/13/2018 - Signs Make Upcoming Section Of Road Sound Pretty Badass
8/13/2018 - 30-Year-Old Loser Still Hanging Around Teen Choice Awards
8/13/2018 - There’s Been An Explosion!
8/13/2018 - 2018 Election Has Record Number Of Women Nominees
8/13/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 13, 2018
8/10/2018 - Unearthed Cave Painting Of Wooly Mammoth, Saber-Tooth Tiger Reveals Humans Have Debated What Things Would Win In A Fight Since 30,000 B.C.
8/10/2018 - Former Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Under Investigation For Tax Fraud
8/10/2018 - New Stardew Valley Expansion Allows Player To Shoot Self In Barn After Family Farm Bankrupted By Corporate Agribusiness
8/10/2018 - Courageous Heterosexual Has Never Donated Blood To Red Cross In Solidarity With Gay Men
8/10/2018 - Calumet Farms Unveils New Tandem Horse For Couples Riding
8/10/2018 - Scouts Highly Doubtful Tim Tebow Will Ever Make It To Heaven
8/10/2018 - Mueller Scrambling After Accidentally Spilling Whole Big Gulp All Over Russia Evidence
8/10/2018 - If Urban Meyer Didn’t Want To Get Caught Up In An Abuse Scandal, Why Was He Hanging Around College Football?
8/10/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Using Images Of Deceased People Onscreen
8/10/2018 - Elderly Woman Spends Day In Park Feeding Pigeons Dismembered Husband
8/9/2018 - Giuliani Puts Odds Of Trump-Mueller Interview At 50-65
8/9/2018 - Can Carmelo Anthony Help The Rockets Clean Up Around The Arena After Games?
8/9/2018 - Virginia Governor Orders State Of Emergency Ahead Of ‘Unite The Right’ Anniversary
8/9/2018 - Rachel Maddow Claims New Audio Damning Enough To Pad Out Entire Week’s Worth Of Shows
8/9/2018 - Driver Swerves To Avoid Deer Standing Right In Middle Of Zoo
8/9/2018 - Pentagon Officials Listen In Silence As Mike Pence Details Plans For Angel-Guided Defense Weapons System
8/9/2018 - Struggling Used Bookstore Has Tried Everything But Organizing Books By Genre And Author
8/9/2018 - Yemen Unveils New 80-Story Drone Zapper
8/9/2018 - Audio Experts Confirm Whiny, Irritating Noises In Secret Recording Devin Nunes
8/9/2018 - Coed Rec Softball Team Having Trouble Finding Enough Hyper-Competitive Men To Ruin Experience
8/9/2018 - Giuliani Demands Mueller Wrap Up Investigation And Imprison President By September
8/9/2018 - InfoWars Moves To Ban Alex Jones
8/9/2018 - MoviePass By The Numbers
8/9/2018 - Doctor Informs Woman She Pregnant As Hell
8/8/2018 - Wilbur Ross Accused Of Stealing $120 Million From Past Associates
8/8/2018 - Oscars Committee Announces Plan To Shorten Ceremony To Single-Millisecond Flash Of Blinding White Light
8/8/2018 - Harm To Table
8/8/2018 - Report Finds Letting Stranger Bum Cigarette Sole Act Of Human Compassion Still In Practice
8/8/2018 - Shy Congressman Wishes Other Lawmakers Would Include Him In Their Crimes
8/8/2018 - Nintendo Reveals ‘Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Will Allow Characters To Repeatedly Punch Self In Face To Freak Out Opponent
8/8/2018 - Annoying Coworker Insists On Existing Right In Visual Range
8/8/2018 - It Pretty Obvious What Friend Will Look Like Old
8/8/2018 - Best TV Show Opening Credits Sequences Of All Time
8/8/2018 - Selfish Missouri Voters Reject Anti-Union Law After Everything Bosses Have Done For Them
8/8/2018 - Catholic Church Now Opposes Death Penalty In All Cases
8/8/2018 - Young Girls Creeped Out By Older Scientists Constantly Trying To Lure Them Into STEM
8/7/2018 - Manafort Shares Tense Silence With Rick Gates On Car Ride Back From Trial
8/7/2018 - Stephen Miller Desperately Searching For Next Fix After High Of Detained Children Starts Wearing Off
8/7/2018 - Spotify Removes ‘This Is: White Supremacy’ Playlist
8/7/2018 - How To Set Up The Ultimate Home Theater
8/7/2018 - Stephen Miller Enraged After Discovering Cantaloupe He’s Fucking From Mexico
8/7/2018 - Heading May Be Riskier For Female Soccer Players Than Males
8/7/2018 - Climate Researchers Warn Only Hope For Humanity Now Lies In Possibility They Making All Of This Up
8/7/2018 - Rick Gates Fondly Recalls Manafort Finding Him As Hapless Street Urchin And Teaching Him How To Pickpocket
8/7/2018 - Embarrassed California Firefighters Realize They’ve Been Spraying Flames This Whole Time
8/7/2018 - Frustrated Rahm Emanuel Torn Between Addressing Chicago’s Shootings, Just Fucking Going For Nation’s Murder Capital
8/7/2018 - Cash-Strapped NRA Forced To Shoot Dozens Of Redundant Employees
8/7/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 7, 2018
8/7/2018 - Carmelo Thinking He Would Be Good Fit On Team With GM Who Hasn’t Been Paying Attention Last Few Years
8/7/2018 - Windows Toolbar, Mouse Cursor Visible Throughout Memorial Service Slideshow
8/7/2018 - Alex Jones Warns Fans Quitting His Supplements Cold Turkey Can Lead To Homosexuality, Judaism
8/6/2018 - Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone At People In Park
8/6/2018 - First Amendment Experts Warn Facebook Banning InfoWars Could Set Completely Reasonable Precedent For Free Speech
8/6/2018 - Man Knows In Reality Marrying Minnie Mouse Wouldn’t Be As Perfect As He Imagines
8/6/2018 - Russian Orphans Devastated After Realizing Trump Tower Meeting Not About Getting Them Adopted
8/6/2018 - Defiant Manafort Enters Trial Wearing Coat Made Of Live Puffins
8/6/2018 - President Admits Trump Tower Meeting Was To Get Dirt On Clinton
8/6/2018 - Backpedaling Trump Claims Eldest Son Would Probably Be Fine Doing 5 To 10 Years In Prison
8/6/2018 - Financial Planners Suggest Spending One Evening Each Week Ripping Apart Walls, Floorboards In Search For Cash
8/6/2018 - Owl Can’t Remember Which Direction To Rotate Head Back
8/6/2018 - Police Officer Wouldn’t Have Killed Black Man If He Knew Everyone Would Make Such A Big Fuss About It
8/6/2018 - Trump Pushes For Interview With Mueller
8/6/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 6, 2018
8/4/2018 - Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance Speech
8/4/2018 - Grandmother Can’t Believe She Hung On This Long For Granddaughter’s Lame-Ass Wedding
8/3/2018 - The National Annoyed After Getting Stuck Performing On Nosebleed Lollapalooza Stage
8/3/2018 - Trump Administration Revokes Obama-Era Fuel Standards
8/3/2018 - Report: Takeout Place Put Burrito In Completely Different Container This Time
8/3/2018 - Sun Pacific Unveils New ‘Hotties’ Variety Of Voluptuous, Shapely Clementines
8/3/2018 - Most Anticipated Acts At Lollapalooza 2018
8/3/2018 - Pope Francis Hastily Condemns Capital Punishment After Vatican Police Announce New Evidence Found In 2014 Stabbing
8/3/2018 - Steve Buscemi To Make Surprise Guest Appearance In This Article
8/3/2018 - White House Reporters Warn Huckabee Sanders She Harming America And It’s Selling Like Fucking Hotcakes
8/3/2018 - Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud Trial
8/3/2018 - Senate Bill Would Require Census To Ask About Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity
8/3/2018 - Christian Pornographer Refuses To Film Sex Tape For Gay Couple
8/3/2018 - The Onion’s Guide To ‘Fortnite’
8/3/2018 - Will New NFL Player Safety Rules Ruin Football Injuries?
8/3/2018 - Interminable Nightmare Of Buying Wrong Toilet Paper In Bulk Nearly Over
8/2/2018 - ‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The People
8/2/2018 - Court Says Monkey Cannot Hold Rights To Own Selfie
8/2/2018 - Apple Becomes First American Company That Should Have Paid Trillion Dollars In Taxes
8/2/2018 - Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’
8/2/2018 - Ivanka Trump Distraught After Learning Detained Migrant Children Completely Without Sewing Machines
8/2/2018 - Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns
8/2/2018 - Ohio State Puts Urban Meyer On Paid Secret Coaching Leave
8/2/2018 - Israel Passes Law Cementing Itself As Exclusive Nation-State Of Benjamin Netanyahu
8/2/2018 - Terry Francona Still Amazed People Think Managing Baseball Hard In Any Way
8/2/2018 - The Onion Reviews ‘Christopher Robin’
8/2/2018 - Scientists Finally Figure Out What Hats Do
8/2/2018 - Alex Trebek May Leave ‘Jeopardy!’ In 2020
8/2/2018 - Fire Hydrant Blows Load All Over Hot Neighborhood Kids
8/1/2018 - Manafort Trial Begins
8/1/2018 - Facebook Identifies Dozens Of Suspicious Accounts Seemingly Enjoying Time On Website
8/1/2018 - Woman Who Shrugged Out Of Boss’s Shoulder Rub Taking No Shit Today
8/1/2018 - New Restaurant Specializes In Trendy Japanese-Japanese Fusion Cuisine
8/1/2018 - Netflix Adds Thousands Of Mediocre New Subscribers
8/1/2018 - Loose-Cannon Cop Who Doesn’t Play By The Rules Uses Unconventional Filing System For Paperwork While On Desk Duty
8/1/2018 - Timeline Of Studies On The Effects Of Coffee
8/1/2018 - Sessions Vows To Protect All Deeply Held Religious Bigotry
8/1/2018 - McDonald’s Unveils ‘MacCoin’ To Celebrate 50th Anniversary Of Big Mac