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2018 February
2/28/2018 - Nostalgic Hope Hicks Barely Recognizes Young Woman On White House ID Badge
2/28/2018 - Hope Hicks Instructed To Clean Up All The Evidence In Her Office Before Leaving
2/28/2018 - Delta Pilot Refuses To Land Until Gun Control Legislation Passed
2/28/2018 - Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses
2/28/2018 - Jared Kushner Loses Top-Secret Security Clearance
2/28/2018 - Idea Of Doing Nothing Until Next Mass Shooting Quickly Gaining Traction In Congress
2/28/2018 - Dunkirk Survivor Praises Film As Most Realistic Depiction Of Cowardly Fleeing From Battle
2/28/2018 - Great Barrier Reef Offers Scuba Divers Chance To See Beautiful Diversity Of Ocean Death
2/28/2018 - Frustrated Dad At Restaurant Just Wants A Normal Burger
2/28/2018 - Aquarium Touch Tank Lets Kids Pet Water In Natural Environment
2/28/2018 - Spanx Introduces New Shapewear Hood To Smooth Unsightly Heads
2/28/2018 - Old Man With Foggy Eye Not Even Magical
2/28/2018 - Climate Change Could Kill Most King Penguins By 2100
2/27/2018 - Report Finds No Progress On Homeownership, Incarceration, Or Unemployment For Blacks
2/27/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 27, 2018
2/27/2018 - Devotees Visit IHOP To Get Foreheads Marked With Syrup Cross On National Pancake Day
2/27/2018 - ‘Call Me By Your Name' Producer Explains The Challenges Of Working Around The Jolly Italian Chefs That Run Wild Through The Countryside
2/27/2018 - Teen Unsure How To Break It To Parents That The Devil Got Her Pregnant
2/27/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Free Speech On College Campuses
2/27/2018 - Jared Kushner Forced To Follow Along With Ivanka's Classified Documents During Meetings
2/27/2018 - Trump Selects Longtime Personal Plane To Head FAA
2/27/2018 - Woman Mentally Rifles Through Friends For Perfect Person To Sympathize With Current Pettiness
2/27/2018 - My Vote Is Not For Sale At These Prices
2/27/2018 - Movin’ Up
2/27/2018 - Millennials Not More Liberal On Gun Control Than Past Generation
2/27/2018 - Corporate Retreat Teaches Employees How To Dick Around As Team
2/26/2018 - National Security Council Distracted By Whimpering Jared Kushner Pawing At Door Throughout Meeting
2/26/2018 - China Proposes Ending 2-Term Presidential Limit
2/26/2018 - Troubling Study Finds Majority Of Americans Who Got It Aren’t Flaunting It
2/26/2018 - Man Who Has Clocked 137 Hours In RPG Can’t Believe He Has To Waste Precious Time Watching Cutscenes
2/26/2018 - Cleveland Finishes Construction On New Elevated Sewer System
2/26/2018 - United Airlines Updates Policy On Allowing Dogfights In Passenger Cabin
2/26/2018 - Barbaric Fifth Grader Gouges Paper Onto Binder Ring Without So Much As Hole Punch
2/26/2018 - Boxing Coach Wishes Just Once He Could Mentor Someone Who Has Already Fully Worked Through Childhood Trauma
2/26/2018 - Report: Americans Waste Enough Food Each Year To Give Over 1 Billion Third World Residents Diabetes
2/26/2018 - Priest Regrets Vow Of Celibacy After Learning About Furries
2/26/2018 - Furious Dianne Feinstein Demands NSA Figure Out Exactly Who Didn’t Endorse Her
2/26/2018 - ‘Phantom Thread’ Producer Points Out All The Times Daniel Day-Lewis Fucks Up At Acting
2/26/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 26, 2018
2/26/2018 - Junk Mail Locked Back Inside Letterbox Until Something More Important Delivered
2/26/2018 - Hate Groups Increased In First Year Of Trump Presidency
2/24/2018 - Does America's Poor Showing At The Olympics Prove It's Time For The Country To Retire?
2/23/2018 - ‘Please, I'll Tell You Everything,’ Whimpers Rick Gates After Mueller Threatens To Send Him Back To White House
2/23/2018 - Episode 4: The Official Story
2/23/2018 - Joss Whedon Exits ‘Batgirl’ Movie
2/23/2018 - Exhausted Olympian Finally Decides To Rent Pyeongchang Hotel Room Instead Of Flying Home To America Each Night
2/23/2018 - Is Lindsey Vonn The Greatest Skier I've Ever Heard Of?
2/23/2018 - John Kelly Struggles To Maintain Believable Trump Impression During Phone Calls With Parkland Survivors
2/23/2018 - New Evidence Suggests President George Washington Sent Woodcut Of Penis To Secretary
2/23/2018 - Author Of ‘Introduction To Algebra’ Recalls Textbook Being Rejected By 12 Publishers Before Getting Accepted
2/23/2018 - New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful
2/23/2018 - Marco Rubio Still Rock-Hard Days After Being Publicly Humiliated On National Stage
2/23/2018 - Watching The Olympics Has Inspired Me To Start Trying To Jump Over Stuff
2/23/2018 - Eagles Fans Finally Sober Enough To Return To Work
2/23/2018 - Sighing, Resigned Climate Scientists Say To Just Enjoy Next 20 Years As Much As You Can
2/23/2018 - Tips For Getting The Most Out Of Life
2/23/2018 - Jennifer Lawrence Tells Critics Of Her Versace Dress To ‘Get A Grip’
2/23/2018 - Barista Gets Sick Little Thrill Telling Coffee Shop Customers There No Restroom
2/22/2018 - Spectators Bombarded With Gamma Radiation As Rapidly Spinning Figure Skater Collapses Into Singularity
2/22/2018 - Ivanka Trump To Keep Focus On Athletes, Not North Korea, During Winter Olympics Trip
2/22/2018 - Wayne LaPierre Accidentally Blows Hand Off During CPAC Speech
2/22/2018 - Oxfam: ‘Your Donation Will Help Us Protect Impoverished Girls From Our Employees’
2/22/2018 - Nationwide Sympathy Pours In For Traumatized CNN Town Hall Survivor
2/22/2018 - Employees Annoyed At Having To Attend 3-Hour-Long Sexual Seduction Training
2/22/2018 - Area Bus Driver Would Prefer Not To Say 'You’re Welcome' For Thousandth Time Today
2/22/2018 - Essential Oils: Myth vs. Fact
2/22/2018 - Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal
2/22/2018 - Drinking Alcohol Linked To Long Life
2/22/2018 - Nation’s Beekeepers Warn They Don’t Know How Much Longer They Can Hold Back Swarms’ Wrath
2/22/2018 - U.S. Wins Gold In Couples Snow Eating
2/21/2018 - George, Amal Clooney To Join Florida Teens In Gun March
2/21/2018 - Panicked Billy Graham Realizes He Took Wrong Turn Into Heaven’s Largest Gay Neighborhood
2/21/2018 - Man Just Going To Assume This Counts As ‘Minced’
2/21/2018 - Passengers Praying Uber Just A Hobby For Elderly Driver
2/21/2018 - Chiropractor Scrambling To Put Vertebrae Back In Right Order Before End Of Session
2/21/2018 - Nation’s Older Brothers Recommend Not Being Such A Little Bitch
2/21/2018 - Survey: Genital Stimulation Maintains Popularity
2/21/2018 - FDA Finds Euthanasia In Several Brands Of Dog Food
2/21/2018 - Open Casket Really Ruining Vibe At Funeral
2/20/2018 - Scientists Create First Sheep-Human Hybrids
2/20/2018 - Capsizing Boat Passes U.S. In Global Quality Of Life Rankings
2/20/2018 - Study: 90% Of Americans Strongly Opposed To Each Other
2/20/2018 - Ant Hoping Queen Will Notice Pretzel Crumb He Got Her
2/20/2018 - Step By Step: How Twitter Addresses User Complaints
2/20/2018 - Olympic Figure Skating Inspires Thousands Of Little Girls To Drop Couple Hundred On Skates They'll Use Once
2/20/2018 - Man Crushed By Lack Of Filth On Q-Tip Pulled From Ear
2/20/2018 - Up, Up, And Astray
2/20/2018 - ‘Brain Games’ Recalls Thousands Of Defective Word Puzzles That Gave Users Alzheimer’s
2/20/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 20, 2018
2/19/2018 - Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom
2/19/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 19, 2018
2/19/2018 - Area Ladder Never Thought It Would End Up A Bookcase
2/19/2018 - ‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion
2/19/2018 - Pet Turtle Going Hog Wild On Terrarium’s New Stick
2/19/2018 - Charles Manson's Body Still On Ice Due To Dispute
2/16/2018 - Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show
2/16/2018 - Has Shaun White Finally Captured Enough Gold Medals To Satisfy The Snow Princess Yuki-Onna?
2/16/2018 - Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun
2/16/2018 - Cute New Dog Helping Single Man Pick Up Tons Of Hot Shit
2/16/2018 - Uphill Skiing Competition Enters 6th Day
2/16/2018 - Episode 3: Calloway Day
2/16/2018 - Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War
2/16/2018 - FBI Quickly Follows Up On Tip About Potentially Dangerous Man Who Killed 17 In School Shooting
2/16/2018 - Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things
2/16/2018 - Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age
2/16/2018 - Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie
2/16/2018 - ‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife
2/15/2018 - ‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement
2/15/2018 - New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This
2/15/2018 - Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma
2/15/2018 - Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant
2/15/2018 - Woman In Commercial Doing Yoga To Narration Of Drug's Fatal Side Effects
2/15/2018 - Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation
2/15/2018 - John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military
2/15/2018 - White House Compares Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’
2/14/2018 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
2/14/2018 - Shuddering Astrid Menks Comes Home To Trail Of Rose Petals Leading To Nude, Spread-Eagle Warren Buffett
2/14/2018 - ‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies
2/14/2018 - Schnauzers Rioting Outside Madison Square Garden Following Westminster Dog Show Defeat
2/14/2018 - Study: 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub
2/14/2018 - Snowy Mountain In Pyeongchang Figures It Can Withstand 1 Or 2 More Big Cheers Before Triggering Avalanche
2/14/2018 - PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day
2/14/2018 - Chloe Kim Recalls Growing Up Under Parents' Intense Pressure To Just Chillax And Shred The Gnar Gnar
2/14/2018 - Teddy Bear Feels Terrible For Sparking ‘What Are We?’ Conversation
2/14/2018 - Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken
2/14/2018 - Donald Trump Spends Another Valentine's Day Completely Alone
2/14/2018 - Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community
2/14/2018 - Man Who Forgot To Buy Valentine's Day Gift Relieved To Remember Wife Passed Away Years Ago
2/14/2018 - Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back
2/14/2018 - Obamas’ Presidential Portrait Revealed
2/13/2018 - White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers
2/13/2018 - John Kelly Takes Responsibility For Failing To Properly Silence Victims
2/13/2018 - Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day
2/13/2018 - Ra Wins Westminster God Show
2/13/2018 - Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’
2/13/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 13, 2018
2/13/2018 - Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program
2/13/2018 - Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation
2/13/2018 - Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement
2/13/2018 - L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy
2/13/2018 - The Sunny Side Of The Street
2/13/2018 - Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes
2/12/2018 - Bannon: #MeToo Movement Could Spell End For Trump
2/12/2018 - Episode 2: What I Know And What I Don’t Know Yet
2/12/2018 - Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings
2/12/2018 - Nation Praying For Super Nasty Luge Accident
2/12/2018 - Olympic Drug Testing Official Left Horribly Disfigured After Coming Into Contact With Russian Urine
2/12/2018 - Study Finds Cats Only Meow When They Want To Alert Owner Of Neighbor’s Murder They Witnessed Through Window
2/12/2018 - Report: Whoa, Last Person On Treadmill Ran 8 Miles
2/12/2018 - Detective Refuses To Pry Into Circumstances Of Murder Out Of Respect For Deceased
2/12/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 12, 2018
2/12/2018 - Italian Grandmother Doesn’t Have Heart To Tell Family Any Dipshit Can Make Lasagna
2/12/2018 - Quentin Tarantino Calls Uma Thurman Accident Biggest Regret Of His Life
2/9/2018 - Nation Excited For Some Insane K-Pop Shit During Opening Ceremony
2/9/2018 - Exhausted Olympians Wake Up Early To Repeat Opening Ceremony For American Time Zones
2/9/2018 - Queen Bun Gives Birth To Thousands Of Tiny Rolls
2/9/2018 - U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend
2/9/2018 - ‘100% Of Teenagers Huge Fucking Assholes,’ Confirms Study By Sobbing, Red-Faced Scientists
2/9/2018 - Frustrated Hope Hicks Wishing She Could Find One Nice Guy In This Autocratic Personality Cult
2/9/2018 - The Onion Reviews 'Fifty Shades Freed'
2/9/2018 - Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony Begins
2/9/2018 - John Kelly Denies Any Knowledge Of Staffer's Misconduct That Will Break In Few Month’s Time
2/9/2018 - Mitch McConnell Reminds Senators That They'll Have To Make Up Government Shutdown Days At End Of Year
2/9/2018 - Report: Make It Stop
2/9/2018 - Mike Pence Condemns Female Senators For Wantonly Sharing Senate Floor With Male Colleagues After Dark
2/9/2018 - Poll: 2 In 3 Americans Support Legal Status For Dreamers
2/8/2018 - 2018 Pyeongchang Olympics Kicks Off With Ski Jumping, Curling
2/8/2018 - Report: Russia Managed To Penetrate Voter Databases In Order To Ensure Election Was Fair And Free Like The Loyal Allies They Are
2/8/2018 - Female Barista Getting A Lot Better At Avoiding Touching Male Patrons’ Hands When They Pay
2/8/2018 - Hershey’s Unveils Some New Chocolate Bullshit For You To Cram Into Your Fat Maw
2/8/2018 - Congress Puts Aside Partisan Differences For Good Of Military Contractors
2/8/2018 - 2018 Winter Olympics Cancelled Due To Inclement Weather
2/8/2018 - Woman Speaks For Record-Breaking 8 Hours Without Being Interrupted By Man
2/8/2018 - A Timeline Of Influential Psychological Experiments
2/8/2018 - Rob Porter Apologizes For Falsifying Number Of Wives He Beat On White House Resume
2/8/2018 - FBI Warns Of ‘American Dream’ Scam
2/8/2018 - How To Climb The Corporate Ladder
2/8/2018 - White Supremacist Tired After Long Day Of Interviews With Mainstream News Outlets
2/8/2018 - McDonald’s French Fries May Contain Cure For Baldness
2/7/2018 - ‘It’s Step, Twist, Step, Dammit!’ Yells Leotard-Wearing, Cigarette-Smoking John Kelly While Choreographing Upcoming Military Parade
2/7/2018 - Trump Tells Pentagon To Plan ‘Military Parade’
2/7/2018 - Elon Musk Offering $1.2 Billion In Grants To Any Project That Promises To Make Him Feel Complete
2/7/2018 - Popsicle Reintroduces Beloved 'Plain' Flavor
2/7/2018 - Trump Boys Forge Father’s Signature On Letters They Wrote Excusing Them From Any More Testifying
2/7/2018 - OxiClean Unveils New Stain-Removing Fabric Scissors
2/7/2018 - Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Debating Between Hawaiian Luau- Or ‘X-Files’-Themed Wedding
2/7/2018 - Channeled Aggression
2/7/2018 - Poignant Dying Words Wasted On Dumbshit Nephew
2/7/2018 - EPA Chief Pruitt Welcomes Delegation Of Pollution From China
2/7/2018 - Scientist Developing Gadget To Transform Dog Barks Into English Language
2/6/2018 - Report: Video Games Will Never Be Art
2/6/2018 - SpaceX Reveals All 400 Dogs On Falcon Rocket Failed To Survive Trip
2/6/2018 - Dow Plunges 1,175 Points
2/6/2018 - Determined Circle Of Friends Diligently Traces Back How They Got Onto This Conversation Topic
2/6/2018 - Local Goose Finally Lands Spot At Tip Of ‘V’
2/6/2018 - Yoga Teacher Has Way Too Much On Plate To Fuck Any More Students Right Now
2/6/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 6, 2018
2/6/2018 - White Nationalist Movement: Myth Vs. Fact
2/6/2018 - Daniel Day-Lewis Obsessed With ‘Naked And Afraid’
2/5/2018 - Eagles Win Super Bowl
2/5/2018 - Minneapolis Shocked To Discover Thousands Of Super Bowl Attendees Left Without Seeing Rest Of City
2/5/2018 - Flustered Father Struggling To Answer All Of Son’s Questions About What Catch Is
2/5/2018 - MTA Reminds New Yorkers They Can Fucking Walk
2/5/2018 - Could Tom Brady Be The New Face Of The NFL?
2/5/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 5, 2018
2/5/2018 - American Airlines Announces It Will No Longer Try To Match Seatmates By Interests
2/5/2018 - Robert Wagner Now 'Person Of Interest' In Natalie Wood's Death
2/4/2018 - Doug Pederson Informs Nick Foles He's Been Traded To Browns While Handing Him Lombardi Trophy
2/4/2018 - ‘Well That’s Nice,’ Say Calm, Pleased Eagles Fans After Super Bowl Victory
2/4/2018 - Swoop Snaps Neck After Flying Into U.S. Bank Stadium’s Glass Ceiling
2/4/2018 - Michele Tafoya Crumbles To Dust After Speaking With Belichick At Halftime
2/4/2018 - Justin Timberlake Starts Halftime Show With 13-Hour, 39-Minute Reading From ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’
2/4/2018 - Eagles Fan Admits U.S. Bank Stadium Has Nicest Seats He’s Puked On
2/4/2018 - Tom Brady Unfazed By Completely Detached Right Hand
2/4/2018 - Lombardi Trophy Glad It Will Never Come Back To Minnesota
2/4/2018 - Friend Hosting Super Bowl Party Confirms There Still Plenty Of Room On Floor
2/4/2018 - Super Bowl LII: Is This The Year A Beer Commercial Will Be So Amazing It Breaks Hank’s 22 Years Of Sobriety?
2/4/2018 - Report: 78% Of Puppy Bowl Participants Die Before Reaching 50 Weeks
2/4/2018 - Should The Referees Be Allowed To Participate In The Post-Game Celebration If The Patriots Win The Super Bowl?
2/2/2018 - Nunes: ‘The American People Have A Right To Know The Contextless, Selectively-Edited Truth’
2/2/2018 - Canadian National Anthem Given Gender-Neutral Language
2/2/2018 - United Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Spouses
2/2/2018 - Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully Functioning Person
2/2/2018 - Sci-Fi Film Presents Vision Of Future In Which Women Never Speak To Each Other
2/2/2018 - ‘Aha!’ Shouts Devin Nunes Pulling Back Shower Curtain In Hopes Of Revealing Hidden FBI Agent
2/2/2018 - Breaking: Nunes Memo Exposes Deep Bias, Corruption In Devin Nunes
2/2/2018 - Scott Pruitt Orders EPA Employees To Stay In Office Over Weekend While It’s Being Fumigated
2/2/2018 - Japanese Researchers Create Edible Banana Peel
2/2/2018 - ‘What About You, Are You On My Team?’ Trump Asks George Washington Portrait
2/1/2018 - Naked Mole-Rats Might Theoretically Be Able To Live Forever
2/1/2018 - Justin Timberlake Pulling Panicked All-Nighter After Realizing New Album Due Tomorrow
2/1/2018 - Guantánamo Inmates Cheer After Learning Trump Saved Their Home
2/1/2018 - FBI Warns Republican Memo Could Undermine Faith In Massive, Unaccountable Government Secret Agencies
2/1/2018 - Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Set Up Bridal Registry At London-Area Target
2/1/2018 - Man Prefers Comic Books That Don’t Insert Politics Into Stories About Government-Engineered Agents Of War
2/1/2018 - Step By Step: How To Run A Successful Crowdfunding Campaign
2/1/2018 - Black History Month Celebration Honors How Sharp African Americans Looked In Old-Timey Clothes
2/1/2018 - Björk Spotted Leaving Nightclub With Mysterious Firefly Trapped Inside Bubble
2/1/2018 - Cleveland Indians To Stop Using Chief Wahoo By 2019
2/1/2018 - Library To Display Same Tattered Richard Wright Poster In Honor Of Black History Month