Sitemap
2018 January
1/31/2018 - Lawyers Confirm Trump Willing To Answer All Of Sean Hannity’s Questions About Russia Collusion
1/31/2018 - State Of The Union Address
1/31/2018 - Onion Fact Check: Trump's State Of The Union
1/31/2018 - The Onion’s Coverage Of President Trump's 374th Reset
1/31/2018 - Amazon Warehouses Stocked With 20,000 Doctors In Preparation For Healthcare Launch
1/31/2018 - Tough-Guy ICE Agent Struggling To Raise Adorable Kids After Deporting Their Parents
1/31/2018 - For Better Or Worship
1/31/2018 - 3M Introduces New Line Of Protective Foam Eye Plugs
1/31/2018 - Neurologists Find Brain Still Shows Signs Of Self-Criticism Minutes After Death
1/31/2018 - Jamie Dimon Cites Relentless Desire To Watch A Person Die Up Close As Inspiration For Starting Healthcare Company
1/31/2018 - Nutella Riots Erupt In France
1/31/2018 - Gruff, No-Nonsense Teacher Only Hard On Students Because He Gets Off On Exploiting Power
1/30/2018 - Democratic Congressman Protests Trump’s Environmental Policies By Bringing Endangered Red Wolf To State Of The Union As Guest
1/30/2018 - Jeff Flake Delivers Searing, Critical Applause For Trump During State Of The Union
1/30/2018 - Parched Trump Takes Quick Sip From Pudding Cup Between Talking Points
1/30/2018 - Trump Welcomes Jefferson Davis Statue As Special State Of The Union Guest
1/30/2018 - Same Guy Starting Each Round Of Applause
1/30/2018 - ‘We Must Restore Rule Of Law,’ Says Trump As Aides Pass Out Revolvers To Audience
1/30/2018 - Mike Pence Breaks Out Formal Altar Boy Robes For State Of The Union Address
1/30/2018 - Senator Dick Durbin Forced To Watch State Of The Union Address From Home After Getting Ripped Off By Ticket Scalper
1/30/2018 - Trump: ‘America Hasn’t Been Stronger Or More United Since I First Opened My Eyes And Created The Universe’
1/30/2018 - Trump: ‘It’s My Honor To Deliver The First-Ever State Of The Union’
1/30/2018 - Rare Moon Trifecta Happening On Wednesday
1/30/2018 - Trump Casually Mills About Supreme Court Changing Rooms Ahead Of State Of The Union Address
1/30/2018 - White House: ‘For Russia, The Real Sanction Is Knowing That They Let Us Down’
1/30/2018 - Hank Is Bitter About Not Being Invited To Media Day
1/30/2018 - Stephen Miller Rewards Self After Day Of Speechwriting With Trip To See Children In Local ICE Detention Center
1/30/2018 - The DREAM Act: Myth Vs. Fact
1/30/2018 - The Secret To My 65-Year Marriage Is Trust, Respect, And Threatening To Kill Myself If She Leaves
1/30/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 30, 2018
1/30/2018 - Flustered Mathematician Unable To Recommend Good Number
1/30/2018 - Stepmom Doesn’t Expect Kids To Call Her Stupid Bitch Right Away
1/30/2018 - 5th-Largest Diamond In Human History Dug Up
1/29/2018 - Cleveland Indians Owner Admits Chief Wahoo No Longer Compatible With Modern Revenue Growth Expectations
1/29/2018 - FBI Deputy Director Touched By Heavily Redacted Farewell Card From Bureau Coworkers
1/29/2018 - Tom Hanks Vows He Won’t Stop Until He Has Portrayed Every Last American
1/29/2018 - IKEA Founder Dies At 91
1/29/2018 - Tesla Debuts Carless Driver
1/29/2018 - Perfect Girlfriend Blames Self For Everything
1/29/2018 - Bruno Mars Takes Home Coveted ‘Least Threatening Artist’ Award At 2018 Grammys
1/29/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 29, 2018
1/29/2018 - Johns Hopkins Doctors Perform First Successful Surgery On Broken Thumb
1/29/2018 - Poll Finds 78% Of Americans Would Vote For Liberty Bell
1/29/2018 - E-Cigarettes Encourage Children To Smoke But Help Adults Quit
1/28/2018 - Meghan Markle Makes Stunning Surprise Entrance At Royal Rumble
1/26/2018 - Tesla Model S Crashes Into Fire Truck While On Autopilot
1/26/2018 - Trump Insists He Never Thought About Firing Mueller, Feeding Him To Pack Of Rabid Dogs, Mounting Head In Oval Office As Trophy
1/26/2018 - Woman Apologizes To Therapist For Monopolizing Conversation
1/26/2018 - Logan Paul: ‘I Didn’t Realize People Who Commit Suicide Kill Themselves’
1/26/2018 - ‘Okay, I’m Ready To Speak To You Under Oath,’ Says Eric Trump From Beneath Rubber Donald Trump Mask
1/26/2018 - Brad Pitt Stumbles Across Old Cardboard Box With Gwyneth Paltrow’s Head In Attic
1/26/2018 - New AcneFree Treatment Ships Teens To Remote Island Colony For Remainder Of Puberty
1/26/2018 - Freshman Emails Every Claudia On Campus To Find Missed Tinder Match
1/25/2018 - Senator Will Become First To Give Birth In Office
1/25/2018 - Outback Employees Return From Mandatory 6-Month Walkabout In Australian Wilderness
1/25/2018 - Campbell’s Unveils One Big Can-Sized Noodle
1/25/2018 - Lucky Bastard Gets To Be In Coma
1/25/2018 - Mom Getting Pretty Into New Tyler, The Creator Album
1/25/2018 - Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him
1/25/2018 - Aging Senator Explains That Young People Should Get Involved In Politics Because She's Fucking Out Of Here
1/25/2018 - CDC Issues Warning Of Full-Blown Epidemic Of The Blahs
1/25/2018 - American Girl Recalls 50,000 Dolls With Chainsaws For Hands
1/25/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Privatized Space Travel
1/25/2018 - Vermont Governor Legalizes Marijuana
1/24/2018 - Trump's Switzerland Trip Cancelled As President Deemed Flight Risk
1/24/2018 - ‘The Shape Of Water’ Leads Oscar Nominations With 13
1/24/2018 - First Family Gets Pet Asp
1/24/2018 - Area Man Thinks Movie He Saw Should Have Been Nominated
1/24/2018 - Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department
1/24/2018 - Werner Herzog: I Killed And Ate Timothy Treadwell In 2003
1/24/2018 - The #WeTwo Movement
1/24/2018 - Newborn Has Father’s Asshole
1/24/2018 - ‘Wonder Woman 2’ First Film To Implement New Anti-Sexual Harassment Guidelines
1/24/2018 - NASA Issues Formal Apology For 1969 Genocide Of Moon Natives
1/23/2018 - Senate Reaches Deal To End Government Shutdown
1/23/2018 - Real-Life Michelin Man Dies At 87
1/23/2018 - Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren Assure Dreamers They’ll Never Stop Fighting For The 2020 Nomination
1/23/2018 - Episode 1: A Perfect Murder
1/23/2018 - ‘Are Our Nominations Diverse Enough For You Whiny Dipshits?’ Sneers Academy President Unprovoked After Listing Nominees
1/23/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 23, 2018
1/23/2018 - Spineless Democratic Senator Caves To Demands Of Sick Children
1/23/2018 - Cat’
s Whiskers A Little Much
1/23/2018 - Constantly Worrying What Other People Think About Your War Crimes Is No Way To Live Your Life
1/23/2018 - ‘Your Father Died Peacefully In His Sleep,’ Assures Hospice Nurse Who Spent Past 6 Months Watching Man Wither Away In Agony
1/23/2018 - A Timeline Of The World Economic Forum
1/23/2018 - Local Woman Considers Telling Gynecologist Whole Truth
1/23/2018 - Amazon To Open Grocery Store Without Checkout To Public
1/22/2018 - Furloughed Bison Pour Back Into National Parks After Government Reopens
1/22/2018 - Nonessential Government Employee Gets Back To Work
1/22/2018 - Police Find 1,600 Pounds Of Cocaine Smuggled In Pineapples
1/22/2018 - ICE Agents Hurl Pregnant Immigrant Over Mexican Border To Prevent Birth On U.S. Soil
1/22/2018 - Report: Girl Who Called You A Slut In High School Posting Passionate Status About Women’s March
1/22/2018 - 47-Second Clip From ‘Family Ties’ Season 3 Now Available On YouTube
1/22/2018 - Mom Saw A Bunch Of Photos From Women’s March Online
1/22/2018 - Study: Uttering Phrase, ‘Marriage Is Hard Work,’ Number One Predictor Of Divorce
1/22/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 22, 2018
1/22/2018 - Employee Apparently Confident Enough In Job Performance To Eat Snacks During Meeting
1/22/2018 - God Recalls 1983 Speedboat Accident That Sent Him To Heaven
1/22/2018 - 2017 Second-Hottest Year On Record
1/22/2018 - Researchers Say That First Warning Sign Of Alcoholism Generally Driving Over Curb, Plowing Through Fire Hydrant, And Crashing Into Aquarium
1/21/2018 - 87% Of Eagles Home Crowd Listening To NFC Championship On Car Radio After Getting Thrown Out Of Stadium
1/21/2018 - Philadelphia Eagles Fan Praying His Car Reduced To Burnt-Out Shell Come Monday Morning
1/21/2018 - Blake Bortles Out To Prove He's Worth Franchise-Crippling Contract
1/21/2018 - Is Case Keenum's Relationship With God Distracting Him From His Play On The Field?
1/21/2018 - Fired-Up Patriots Ready To Give Full 60, Maybe 70% Against Jacksonville
1/20/2018 - Looking Back On The Worst 365 Days Of Donald Trump's Presidency
1/20/2018 - 12% Of Federal Government That’s Currently Functioning To Shut Down
1/19/2018 - Apple Plans To Create 20,000 New Jobs, Build New Campus
1/19/2018 - Study Reveals Lobsters Feel Pain And Get Off On It Like The Kinky Little Perverts They Are
1/19/2018 - Report: Friend Doing Sober January Must Have Really Fucked Shit Up Over Holidays
1/19/2018 - USA Gymnastics Confident They Have Plan In Place For Next Time Doctor Sexually Assaults 150 Children
1/19/2018 - Michigan Restaurant Selling $180 Tacos
1/19/2018 - ‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worries
1/18/2018 - Warrantless Surveillance Bill To Protect Nation By Creating Dozens Of Future Whistleblowers
1/18/2018 - Pelosi: ‘We Must Fight Even Harder Against Trump's Authoritarian Impulses Now That We've Voted To Enable Them’
1/18/2018 - Senate: ‘Renewed FISA Legislation Imperative In Protecting The Few American Freedoms That Will Remain’
1/18/2018 - Man Wishes Women In Crowded Bar Would Let Him Read Jane Austen Novel In Peace
1/18/2018 - North And South Korean Teams To March Together In Winter Olympics
1/18/2018 - Ophthalmologist Instructs Patient Not To Look At Anything 24 Hours Before Eye Surgery
1/18/2018 - Aspiring Actor Dreams Of One Day Publicly Voicing Regret For Working With Woody Allen
1/18/2018 - A Mine Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
1/18/2018 - CVS To End Major Touch-Ups On Beauty Models
1/18/2018 - Tearful Elon Musk Warns About Dangers Of AI After Having Heart Broken By Beautiful Robotrix
1/18/2018 - Leading Probability Researchers Confounded By Three Coworkers Wearing Same Shirt Color On Same Day
1/17/2018 - Most Anticipated Films Of 2018
1/17/2018 - Bitcoin Falls 28% To 6-Week Low
1/17/2018 - Follow-Up Tests Confirm President Trump’s 19 Other Personalities Also Perfectly Healthy
1/17/2018 - Superstitious Ocean Blaming All Its Weird Behavior On The Moon
1/17/2018 - Huckabee Sanders Repeatedly Insists That President’s Footprints Created The Great Lakes
1/17/2018 - Larry Nassar: ‘Who Among Us Hasn’t Made A Mistake Repeatedly And With Wild, Shameless Abandon?’
1/17/2018 - Breaking: Bitcoin Value Currently Plummeting—No, Wait—Skyrocketing—No, Plummeting
1/17/2018 - Lustful Man Sensually Uses One Hand To Unhook Clasp Of Take-Out Box
1/17/2018 - Man Always Gets Emotional On Anniversary Of Father’s Death He Orchestrated
1/17/2018 - Scientist Find Genetic Basis For Bad Breath
1/16/2018 - Translator Asks Bannon To Repeat That Last Spectral Scream During Congressional Testimony
1/16/2018 - Bannon Forced To Cancel ‘Muscle & Fitness’ Cover Shoot To Testify Before Grand Jury
1/16/2018 - Timothée Chalamet Donates 30,000 Smoldering Looks To Time’s Up Fund In Wake Of Woody Allen Controversy
1/16/2018 - New Report Finds Adult Film Star May Have Paid Over $130,000 To Cover Up Sexual Encounter With Trump
1/16/2018 - Trump Vehemently Denies Using Word ‘People’ To Describe African Immigrants
1/16/2018 - Google Museum App Finds Users’ Fine Art Doppelgänger
1/16/2018 - Study Finds Having It All Leading Indicator That Everything Will Come Crashing Down
1/16/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 16, 2017
1/16/2018 - Wall Wishes It Were Load-Bearing
1/15/2018 - Hawaii's False Missile Alert Caused By Employee Pressing Wrong Button
1/15/2018 - New After-School Program Aims To Keep Children Off Streets For Additional 45 Minutes
1/15/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 15, 2018
1/15/2018 - Mom Hasn’t Said Full, Uninterrupted Sentence To Family Since 1997
1/15/2018 - Opera Ends On Unexpected High Note
1/15/2018 - Perfectly Good Dead Body Cremated
1/15/2018 - Man Annoyed By Travel Plaza’s Abridged Pizza Hut Menu
1/12/2018 - Miracle Paycheck Lasts For 7 Whole Days
1/12/2018 - Tips For Making The Perfect Cup Of Coffee
1/11/2018 - Whine And Dine
1/11/2018 - Man Completely Blindsided By Seemingly Normal Stranger Telling Him To ‘Have A Blessed Day’
1/10/2018 - Audiobook Narrator Really Going For Broke With Cajun Accent
1/10/2018 - Mutant Hockey League Worried City Of St. Mucus Won’t Publicly Finance New Arena For Ooze
1/9/2018 - Just Say The Word, And We’ll Perform With Socks On Our Penises Again
1/9/2018 - New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding
1/9/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 9, 2018
1/9/2018 - Pile Of Dirty Clothes On Bedroom Floor Starting To Mix With Pile Of Clean Clothes On Bedroom Floor
1/8/2018 - Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You
1/8/2018 - Really Ugly Shark Tired Of Being Mistaken For Hammerhead
1/8/2018 - Whoa, Vacuum Got Something Pretty Big Under Couch
1/8/2018 - New Evidence Suggests Ancient Egyptians Only Ever Visited Pyramids When Friends Were In From Out Of Town
1/1/2018 - Earth’s Successful Completion Of Orbit Around Sun Inspires Woman To Reflect On Eating Habits
1/1/2018 - 2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report