Sitemap
2018 July
7/31/2018 - NRA Releases Downloadable Blueprints For First 3D-Printed Gun Lobbyists
7/31/2018 - Migrant Child Coming Down From Drugs Freaked Out To Discover Cage Actually Real
7/31/2018 - Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says She Has ‘5 More Years’ On Supreme Court
7/31/2018 - High-End Persian Rugs Attend Trial In Show Of Support For Paul Manafort
7/31/2018 - Biggest Product Recalls Of All Time
7/31/2018 - Cop Who Shot Unarmed Black Man Let Off With A Promotion
7/31/2018 - ‘Men Are Not Oppressed,’ Says Woman Who Has No Idea What It Like To Take Two Whole Escalators To Get To Your Clothing Section At Zara
7/31/2018 - ‘New York Times’ Publisher Reveals Asking Trump To Decrease Anti-Media Rhetoric Except Against Those Fuckers At ‘The Washington Post’
7/31/2018 - Save The Wails
7/31/2018 - Study Finds 70% Of Bingo Winners End Up Prizeless Within 5 Years
7/31/2018 - Woman Accused Of Sending Man 65,000 Text Messages After First Date
7/31/2018 - Popeye’s Sign Town’s Tallest Monument
7/31/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 31, 2018
7/30/2018 - CBS Reveals ‘Big Bang Theory’ Season 12 Will Explore Why Sheldon Keeps Job After Sexually Harassing 6 Research Assistants
7/30/2018 - Trump Denies Existence Of 2016 Russia Meeting Commemorative Merchandise
7/30/2018 - Giuliani Insists Breaking The Law Not A Crime
7/30/2018 - Carrie Fisher Will Appear In ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’
7/30/2018 - Beloved Father And Infrequent Pornography User Loses 3-Year Battle With Cancer
7/30/2018 - Dog Meets Owner At Door In Desperate Attempt To Get Ahead Of Diarrhea-Rug Scandal
7/30/2018 - Neil deGrasse Tyson Debunks Stadium’s Home Run Animation Depicting Ball Launching Into The Stratosphere
7/30/2018 - Hospital Guest Has Creepy Feeling Someone Might Have Died In Her Room
7/30/2018 - Music Compels Weak Man To Dance
7/30/2018 - HBO Greenlights ‘Deadwood’ Movie
7/30/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 30, 2018
7/28/2018 - Minotaur Wondering If There More To Life Than Bashing In Heads Of Those Who Dare Wander Into Labyrinth
7/27/2018 - Eric Trump Aims Laser Pointer At Don Jr. While Flicking Lights On And Off To Erase Memory Of Russia Meeting
7/27/2018 - Lyft Considering Offering ‘Zen’ Mode For Those Who Want Quiet Ride
7/27/2018 - WHO Warns Against Eating Fish And Keeping Active Following Death Of World’s Oldest Woman
7/27/2018 - 10-Year-Old Yelling At Mom To Watch Cannonball While She’s Trying To Scope Out Younger Men At Pool
7/27/2018 - World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance
7/27/2018 - Park Rangers Lance Old Faithful In Effort To Pop Clogged, Inflamed Geyser
7/27/2018 - Investors Remind Mark Zuckerberg He Can’t Fuck With Them Like The Simpering Cowards In Congress
7/27/2018 - Panicking Mark Zuckerberg Holds Press Conference Explicitly Welcoming Armenian Genocide Deniers To Facebook
7/27/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Abolishing ICE
7/27/2018 - Merck CEO Taunts Patients By Lowering Drug Prices Until Just Out Of Their Reach
7/27/2018 - Facebook Planning To Launch Satellite To Provide Internet To Underserved Parts Of World
7/27/2018 - Kinky Recessive Gene Loves Being Dominated
7/26/2018 - Stock Value Of Billions Of Otherwise Worthless Data, Photos, Videos, Opinions Plummets
7/26/2018 - Mark Zuckerberg’s Net Worth Plunges Not Even Close To Enough
7/26/2018 - Sea Level Rise By The Numbers
7/26/2018 - Secret Trump–Cohen Audio Tape Released
7/26/2018 - House Conservatives Introduce Resolution To Impale Rod Rosenstein
7/26/2018 - Royals Players Concerned About Fan Who Stuck Out 3-Hour Rain Delay
7/26/2018 - Man Feeling Pressure To Give Mom Grandchildren While She Still Around To Raise Them
7/26/2018 - White House Press Corps Wishes Show Of Solidarity Over Banned Reporter Could Be For Better News Organization Than CNN
7/26/2018 - Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Freeze-Away Toe Remover
7/26/2018 - Rock Hard Café Acquires Autographed Bon Jovi Cock Ring
7/26/2018 - Trump Vindicated After Rest Of Leaked Recording Reveals Him Urging Racial Reconciliation, Calling For Interfaith Dialogue, Condemning Gender Inequality
7/26/2018 - Steve Bannon Sets Sights On Spreading Far-Right Europe With New Foundation
7/26/2018 - The Onion Reviews ‘Mission: Impossible – Fallout
’
7/25/2018 - Ivanka Trump Shutters Fashion Line
7/25/2018 - Huckabee Sanders Claims Playing Cohen Tape Backward Reveals Hidden Message Exonerating Trump From All Wrongdoing
7/25/2018 - Michael Cohen Promises More Damaging Recordings Of Trump Already Public
7/25/2018 - Report: Entire $12 Billion Farm Aid Package Already Blown On Really Big Silo
7/25/2018 - NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL Team Owners Vote To Unionize
7/25/2018 - MADD PSA Clarifies It’s Okay To Drive Drunk If It’ll Be Big Pain To Get Car Tomorrow
7/25/2018 - Cashier Forced To Incorporate Humiliating New Phrase Into Every Customer Interaction
7/25/2018 - Timeline Of Internet Bots
7/25/2018 - ‘Who Sent You Here,’ Whispers Woman To Big Tray Of Cheese Danishes Confronting Her In Break Room
7/25/2018 - Mauled Shop
7/25/2018 - Papa John’s Add ‘Poison Pill’ Provision To Prevent Founder From Returning
7/24/2018 - Paul Ryan Calls On Trump To Take Dismantling Of America More Seriously
7/24/2018 - Ivanka Ashamed After Becoming First Trump To Run Business Into Ground
7/24/2018 - Jared Kushner Relieved He Can Finally Stop Anonymously Buying All Items Ever Sold From Wife’s Clothing Line
7/24/2018 - Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine
7/24/2018 - R. Kelly Releases 19-Minute Song Addressing Sexual Assault
7/24/2018 - Myth Vs. Fact: Sunscreen
7/24/2018 - ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers
7/24/2018 - Index Finger Rips Into Toilet Paper Package Like Velociraptor Claw
7/24/2018 - Furiously Barking Dog Spends Another Day Trying To Warn Nation About Child Trapped In Cage
7/24/2018 - 27-Year-Old Unsure Whether He Can Pull Off Keeping Framed Picture Of Wife On Desk
7/24/2018 - More Young Adults Are Dying From Alcohol-Related Illnesses
7/24/2018 - Nana J. Reclaims Top Spot From Gram Gram Following Exceptional Birthday Outing
7/24/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 24, 2018
7/23/2018 - Confused Mueller Reminds Nation Russia Investigation Wrapped Up Months Ago
7/23/2018 - Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes
7/23/2018 - Trump Warns Iran That U.S. Won’t Tolerate Widespread Suffering In Any Country Besides America
7/23/2018 - Bee Wishes It Could Hang Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out
7/23/2018 - R. Kelly Releases Emotional New Song Thanking Fans For Continued Acceptance Of Sex Crimes
7/23/2018 - Every Driver In Roundabout Just Winging It
7/23/2018 - Comey Warns Democrats That Having Leftist Politics Gets You On The FBI Watchlist
7/23/2018 - New ‘Dune’ Films Planned From Director Of ‘Blade Runner: 2049’
7/23/2018 - Trump Bestows Medal Of Honor On John McCain’s Tumor
7/23/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 23, 2018
7/21/2018 - Hillshire Farm Releases Circumcised Bratwurst
7/20/2018 - Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning
7/20/2018 - Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going
7/20/2018 - Maria Butina Slips Away After Binding Half-Naked, Blindfolded Robert Mueller To Bed
7/20/2018 - WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries
7/20/2018 - Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash
7/20/2018 - Dozens Of White Houses Materialize From Temporal Vortex As Trump’s Changing Account Of Putin Meeting Tears Apart Space-Time
7/20/2018 - Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic
7/20/2018 - Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch
7/20/2018 - Drowning Is The Number Two Cause Of Death For Young Children. Here’s How To Make It Number One.
7/20/2018 - The Onion Reviews ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again’
7/20/2018 - Senate Passes Bipartisan Resolution Preventing Themselves From Stopping Trump
7/20/2018 - World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan
7/20/2018 - ‘My Parents Hit Me,’ Says Bored 8-Year-Old Trying To Get Reaction From Dinner Party Guests
7/20/2018 - Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like
7/19/2018 - Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid
7/19/2018 - FBI Reveals Maria Butina Traded Sex In Exchange For All 62,984,828 Votes Trump Received In 2016
7/19/2018 - Comic-Con 2018 Kicks Off
7/19/2018 - Paralyzed Man Determined To Still Live Normal Sedentary Life
7/19/2018 - FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’
7/19/2018 - Man Unsure Whether To Tip Bathroom Attendant Just For Wiping His Ass
7/19/2018 - Chance The Rapper Clarifies He From Chicago
7/19/2018 - Facebook Apologizes For Giving Mark Zuckerberg A Platform
7/19/2018 - CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought
7/19/2018 - Report: There Must Be Some Trick To Unfolding Table Legs
7/19/2018 - Black Man At Walgreens Impressed By How Attentively Employees Tailing Him
7/19/2018 - Trump Backtracks On Siding With Russia Over U.S. Intelligence Community, Saying He Misspoke
7/18/2018 - Paul Ryan Worried History May Judge Him Harshly For Failure To Confront Tyrannical Food Stamp Abusers
7/18/2018 - Most Anticipated Events Of Comic-Con 2018
7/18/2018 - Mueller Reveals Russia Investigation Just Elaborate Sting To Nail Clinton Child Sex-Slavery Ring
7/18/2018 - Obama Criticizes Trump In Address To Honor Nelson Mandela's 100th Birthday
7/18/2018 - Papa John’s Founder Launches New Chain Of Fast-Casual Segregated Lunch Counters
7/18/2018 - Bill & Melinda Gates Shocked To Learn Ghanaian School Never Intended To Pay Back Money Lent To Them
7/18/2018 - The Road Worrier
7/18/2018 - New Aphasia Study Finds Empty Fullness Brokered Yellow Ideas Happily
7/18/2018 - Scientists Bring Dying Organs Back To Life
7/18/2018 - Retired Couple Realizes Dream Of Buying Camper, Driving Around Country Murdering Hitchhikers
7/17/2018 - France Wins World Cup
7/17/2018 - Senate Leaders Warn It Too Early To Discuss Trump
7/17/2018 - World Wonders What Trump Has On United States That’s Forcing Nation To Keep Him In Power
7/17/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 17, 2018
7/17/2018 - Trump Wistfully Smells Lock Of Murdered Journalist’s Hair Gifted To Him By Putin
7/17/2018 - New Tesla Model 3 Goes From Zero To Engulfed In Flames In 3.5 Seconds
7/17/2018 - ‘There Are Things That Exist Which Are Not Good,’ Says Obama In Stunning Rebuke Of Trump
7/17/2018 - Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community
7/17/2018 - Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain
7/17/2018 - Terrified Glob Of Cream Cheese Escapes Bagel
7/17/2018 - Most Infamous Cults In History
7/17/2018 - Man Feels Less Guilty About Gentrifying Eastern European Neighborhood
7/17/2018 - Theresa May: Trump Told Me To Sue The EU
7/17/2018 - Woman Informs Husband That He Made New Friend
7/16/2018 - GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery
7/16/2018 - Trump Sits Down With Putin
7/16/2018 - New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day
7/16/2018 - Trump, Putin Hold First Joint Press Crackdown
7/16/2018 - Poll Finds 97% Of Americans Don’t Know Who Donald Trump Is
7/16/2018 - Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?
7/16/2018 - Elon Musk Insists He’d Be Much More Innovative Pedophile Than Thailand Rescue Worker
7/16/2018 - Report: Therapist Just Saying That To Make You Feel Better
7/16/2018 - Total Idiot Resorting To Tribalism Decades Before Climate Catastrophe Makes It Necessary
7/16/2018 - Hundreds Of Rowdy Starship Crews Disembark In NYC During Intergalactic Fleet Week
7/16/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 16, 2018
7/13/2018 - U.S. Indicts 12 Russian Officials Who Will Be Indicted For 2018, 2020 Election Hacking
7/13/2018 - Man Keeps Having Same Experience Where He Shows Up To Work Naked
7/13/2018 - Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival
7/13/2018 - Kavanaugh Nomination Falters After Washington Post Publishes Shocking Editorial Claiming He Forgot Daughter’s Piano Recital
7/13/2018 - Theresa May Recommits To NHS After Receiving Stark Reminder Of Abysmal State Of U.S. Mental Health Care
7/13/2018 - Qatar Unveils Indentured Mascot For 2022 World Cup
7/13/2018 - Half Of Morning Run Spent Trying To Change Song On Phone
7/12/2018 - Buckingham Palace Guards Impressed By First Lady’s Ability To Never Crack Smile
7/12/2018 - Thing Distracting You From Healthy, Self-Actualized Lifestyle Garners 240 Emmy Nominations
7/12/2018 - Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’
7/12/2018 - Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus
7/12/2018 - Stressed-Out Paul Ryan Uses Cheat Day To Indulge In One Bipartisan Vote
7/12/2018 - Open Mic Host Asks Audience To Keep Pathetic Smattering Of Applause Going For Next Performer
7/12/2018 - Love On A Budget
7/11/2018 - Tearful Trump Admits NATO Alliance Closest Thing To Friendship He’s Ever Had
7/11/2018 - Trump Demands NATO Allies Match U.S. Commitment To Prioritizing Military Spending Over Healthcare
7/11/2018 - Skin And Bare It
7/11/2018 - Sick, Elderly Man Screaming About Foreigners Stealing From Him
7/11/2018 - Gerber: Feeding Formula To Baby Helps Infant Bond With Parent Corporation
7/11/2018 - Inconsolable Sarah Palin Opens Up About Sacha Baron Cohen Betrayal To Cardboard Cutout Of Whoopi Goldberg
7/11/2018 - Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer
7/11/2018 - Pet Gerbil Has Been Absolutely Crushing It Lately
7/11/2018 - Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop
7/11/2018 - Eviction Notice All Business
7/10/2018 - Washington Post Offers Non-Subscribers 10 Free Articles To Fact-Check Per Month
7/10/2018 - Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time
7/10/2018 - Pulitzer Feeling Increasingly Out Of Place In Washington Post Office
7/10/2018 - Man Knows He Can Always Fall Back On Really Terrible Job That Pays Shit
7/10/2018 - Thai Soccer Player Still Waiting For Parents To Pick Him Up
7/10/2018 - $20 Bill Slowly But Surely Wriggling Free From Back Pocket
7/10/2018 - Woodpecker Having Difficulty Remembering Tree Where He Got The Really Good Bugs That One Time
7/10/2018 - Uncle Warren In Rare Form Tonight
7/10/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 10, 2018
7/9/2018 - Mitch McConnell Celebrates Brett Kavanaugh As Culmination Of Everything He’s Worked Against
7/9/2018 - Viewers Annoyed Episode Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Interrupted Just To Announce Person Who Will Set Back Social Progress 40 Years
7/9/2018 - Experts Warn Transitioning Too Quickly From Work To Vacation Could Cause Decompression Sickness
7/9/2018 - Wimbledon Grounds Crew Frustrated After Learning About Cement Courts
7/9/2018 - Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive
7/9/2018 - Picky Refugee Just Expects To Be Reunited With Exact Same Family As Before
7/9/2018 - Bride And Groom Clearly Have Not Kissed Much
7/4/2018 - Old Lady At Parade Flapping Little American Flag Like A Motherfucker
7/4/2018 - New Ford Pickup Features Extendable Tailgate For Teens Getting Pregnant Beneath Fireworks Display
7/3/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 3, 2018
7/3/2018 - American Cancer Society: Colon Cancer Screenings Should Start At 45
7/2/2018 - Seeds Of Discontent
7/2/2018 - Australia Invests $377 Million To Protect Great Barrier Reef