Sitemap
2018 March
3/30/2018 - Laura Ingraham Apologizes For Mocking Florida Shooting Survivor
3/30/2018 - EPA Rolls Back Emissions Standards To Increase Consumer Choice Over Type Of Apocalyptic Hellscape Earth Will Become
3/30/2018 - White House Graciously Accepts Saudi Prince's Thank-You Gift Of Severed Yemeni Head
3/30/2018 - Fender Introduces New Line Of Sympathy And Bereavement Guitars
3/30/2018 - Doctor Asks New Mother If She’d Like To Keep Newborn’s Exoskeleton
3/30/2018 - 70-Year-Old Woman Decides It Time To Start Dressing Entirely In Purple
3/30/2018 - MLB Season Ends Over 200 Days Early After New Rules Speed Up Games Way Too Much
3/30/2018 - George Thorogood Fan Disgusted To Learn Musician Licensed ‘Bad To The Bone’ For Commercial Purposes
3/30/2018 - Ape’s Tits Incredible
3/30/2018 - ‘I Don’t Fit Into Any Of Corporate America’s Little Boxes,’ Says Single, 18-To-36-Year-Old Hispanic Female With Brand Loyalty To Tom’s, Chobani
3/30/2018 - Laura Ingraham Claims Protesting Parkland Students Don’t Have Enough Gun Knowledge To Criticize Nicholas Cruz
3/30/2018 - Walmart Pulling ‘Cosmo’ From Checkout Lines
3/30/2018 - Conair Releases New Double-Sided Curling Iron For Flawless Burns
3/29/2018 - Scientists Discover New Human Organ
3/29/2018 - Jeb Bush’s Children Vehemently Deny Having Ever Loved Father
3/29/2018 - Heineken Apologizes For Racist Ad With New Special-Release ‘Blacks Only’ Beer
3/29/2018 - Tried And Truant
3/29/2018 - San Diego Zoo Unveils Severed Rhino Head Attached To Steel Frame As Part Of New Conceptual Wildlife Exhibit
3/29/2018 - Is Michigan The Team To Finally Spit In God’s Face By Beating Loyola?
3/29/2018 - Pope Francis Asks Congregation If It’s Okay If They Do A Low-Key Easter This Year
3/29/2018 - Police Repeatedly Shoot Tim Cook After Mistaking iPhone For Gun
3/29/2018 - Nation's Ivy Leaguers Share Hearty Laugh That Dartmouth Grad Thinks She Can Talk Shit On Anyone
3/29/2018 - Horrified Geologists Uncover Millions Of Rocks In Sprawling Mass Grave
3/29/2018 - A Timeline Of Mass Protests In U.S. History
3/29/2018 - Researchers Find That Spanking Your Children Is Incredibly Fun
3/29/2018 - Steven Spielberg Says Netflix Films Don’t Deserve Oscars
3/28/2018 - Actress Allegedly Bites Beyoncé's Face
3/28/2018 - Lame Cyberattack On Atlanta Doesn’t Even Turn ATMs, Street Sweepers Into Killing Machines
3/28/2018 - Apartment Kind Where Weed Just Left Out On Coffee Table
3/28/2018 - Man Who Never Missed ‘Ally McBeal’ Back In The Day Joins Trump Legal Team
3/28/2018 - Gym Places Flowers, White Spin Bike In Spot Where Soul Cyclist Killed
3/28/2018 - Mark Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony By Poring Over Lawmakers’ Personal Data
3/28/2018 - Handwriting Expert Confirms Killer Used Cursive
3/28/2018 - Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves
3/28/2018 - Server Loves That Dessert
3/28/2018 - Overworked Nation Wishes It Could Just Unplug From It All Like Puerto Rico
3/28/2018 - ‘Roseanne’ Returns
3/28/2018 - 5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids About To Go Apeshit For Ending Of ‘The Giver’
3/27/2018 - Gunmaker Remington Files For Bankruptcy
3/27/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 27, 2018
3/27/2018 - Law Enforcement Questions Why Alton Sterling Was Even Black In The First Place
3/27/2018 - Coroner’s Report Concludes Alton Sterling Died Of Institutionalized Causes
3/27/2018 - Study Finds 12,000 Americans Die Annually In What Are Made To Look Like Car Accidents
3/27/2018 - Census Adds Question Asking Participants To Identify Any Unpatriotic Neighbor
3/27/2018 - Teens Spend Wild Spring Break In D.C. Begging Lawmakers For Their Lives
3/27/2018 - Most Influential U.S. Secretaries Of State
3/27/2018 - City Of Baltimore Targeting Young Professionals With New ‘You Get Used To It’ Campaign
3/27/2018 - Point/Counterpoint: Oh, Are The PC Police Here To Arrest Me For Havin’ Opinions? vs. Sir, We Are The Regular Police And You Need To Come Out Of That Slide
3/27/2018 - Report: Sharks To Only Kill 10 People This Year But One Of Them Will Be You
3/27/2018 - White House Order Would Ban Most Transgender Troops
3/26/2018 - Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence
3/26/2018 - Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting
3/26/2018 - We Interview Some Guy Who Hated ‘March For Our Lives’ Out Of A Desperate Terror Over Being Accused Of Bias
3/26/2018 - NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths
3/26/2018 - NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience
3/26/2018 - Jonathan Safran Foer Guesses It’s Time To Give Up On Silly Little Dream Of Becoming Good Writer
3/26/2018 - It Kind Of Pathetic How Excited 3-Year-Old Is To See Daddy Home From Work
3/26/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 26, 2018
3/26/2018 - Stormy Daniels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview Leads To Spike In PornHub Searches For Anderson Cooper
3/26/2018 - Man Assumed Celebrity Sighting Would Do More For His Career
3/26/2018 - Male Birth Control Pill Shows Early Promise
3/26/2018 - FDA Deems Genetically Modified Salmon Too Handsome To Eat
3/23/2018 - Apple Recalls Thousands Of Earbuds That Unexpectedly Bloomed
3/23/2018 - Stormy Daniels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview To Air This Weekend
3/23/2018 - John Bolton Warns War With North Korea Won’t Be Cakewalk Like Iraq
3/23/2018 - Yosemite National Park Completes Construction On New 6-Lane Scenic Driving Trail
3/23/2018 - Psychopath Joins Fourth Straight Republican Administration
3/23/2018 - Friends Trying On Each Other’s Glasses Revel In Glorious Mayhem Of Having Slightly Different Prescriptions
3/23/2018 - Sound Off
3/23/2018 - Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His Image
3/23/2018 - Is It Time For The NCAA To Start Paying The Coaches?
3/23/2018 - U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle
3/23/2018 - NASA Developing Spacecraft To Stop Possible Asteroid Strike In 2135
3/23/2018 - Employee Leaving Company Unsure How To Break It To Coworkers Who Don’t Really Care Whether He Lives Or Dies
3/23/2018 - Coffee Shop Customer Asks If Guy At Next Table Would Mind Watching While He Goes To Bathroom
3/22/2018 - Will Missing The NCAA Tournament Affect Sister Jean’s Draft Stock?
3/22/2018 - Authorities Claim The True Austin Bomber Was Everyone Who Failed This Sensitive, Promising Kid
3/22/2018 - WhatsApp Co-Founder Joins #DeleteFacebook Movement
3/22/2018 - ‘You Are The Jewel Of My Collection,’ Says Saudi Prince While Guiding Frightened Jared Kushner Toward Harem
3/22/2018 - NAACP Issues Travel Warning For Black Americans Visiting Own Backyards
3/22/2018 - American People Admit Having Facebook Data Stolen Kind Of Worth It To Watch That Little Fucker Squirm
3/22/2018 - Classically Trained Actor Can Talk On Cue
3/22/2018 - Damning Evidence Shows Actor Al Jolson Wearing Blackface
3/22/2018 - Mark Zuckerberg Promises That Misuse Of Facebook User Data Will Happen Again And Again
3/22/2018 - Tips For A Successful Parent-Teacher Conference
3/22/2018 - Man Constantly Blaming His Problems On Fact That He’s On Fire
3/22/2018 - Tinder’s Parent Company Suing Bumble For Patent Infringement
3/21/2018 - World’s Last Male Northern White Rhino Dies After Health Complications
3/21/2018 - Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time
3/21/2018 - Facebook Algorithm Mortified It Has To Deliver Up So Much Embarrassing News About Own Company
3/21/2018 - Study: Only 40% Of Mice Have Little Welcome Mat, Doorway Leading To Tiny Home Inside Wall
3/21/2018 - Grumblethor The Mischievous Pleased With Mayhem His Magical Antics Have Wrought Upon White House–FBI Relations
3/21/2018 - Old Man's Son Also Old Man
3/21/2018 - Bride Has To Admit It’d Be Pretty Exciting If Someone Objected At Wedding
3/21/2018 - Report: Snoring May Increase Risk Of Having Throat Slit During Night By Loved One
3/21/2018 - Trump Made Senior Staff Sign NDAs That Last Beyond Presidency
3/21/2018 - Johnny Rockets Customer Terrified After Evidently Falling Through Wormhole Into 1950s
3/20/2018 - Mark Zuckerberg: ‘You Should Be Grateful All Your Incessant Oversharing Online Is Actually Worth Something’
3/20/2018 - Uber Self-Driving Car Strikes And Kills Pedestrian In Arizona
3/20/2018 - ‘As You Can See, They Are Quite Harmless,’ Says Uber Representative Guiding Detective Through Warehouse Of Sleeping Autonomous Cars
3/20/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 20, 2018
3/20/2018 - Fingerprints On Bathroom Stall Hopefully Just Menstrual Blood
3/20/2018 - ‘My God, I’ve Discovered The Missing Link In The Russia Investigation,’ Think 379,000 Reddit Users Simultaneously
3/20/2018 - Point/Counterpoint: I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works
3/20/2018 - Surrendering Trump Boys Solemnly Salute Each Other Before Leaping From White House First-Story Window
3/20/2018 - Key 2018 Election Primaries To Watch
3/20/2018 - NFL Sues EA To End Production Of Unlicensed ‘Madden’ Video Games
3/20/2018 - Dog Dies On United Flight After Being Stowed In Overhead Bin
3/20/2018 - Freak Totally Has The Hots For You, Popular-Girl Sources Report
3/19/2018 - Putin Wins Russian Election
3/19/2018 - Friend Who Listened To Podcast On Watergate Bursts Into Conversation With Guns Fucking Blazing
3/19/2018 - Andrew McCabe Spending Few Days As Congressional Bathroom Attendant To Satisfy Pension Requirements
3/19/2018 - Dad Recommends Hotel 10 Miles Away From City You’re Visiting
3/19/2018 - Hacker Just Going To Fix A Few Annoying Typos On Company’s Website Before Stealing Customer Data
3/19/2018 - Top Benefits Of Being A Risk-Taker
3/19/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 19, 2018
3/19/2018 - Completely Unfair That Man Ended Up On Sex Offender Registry Just For Public Urination On A Child
3/19/2018 - Tulip Popping Up In Middle Of March Must Think It Some Kind Of Hotshot
3/19/2018 - Toys ‘R’ Us Prepares To Liquidate Business
3/19/2018 - Embarrassed Whale Panicking About Huge Barnacle Outbreak Before Date
3/16/2018 - Ford Recalls 1.4 Million Cars Because Their Steering Wheels Might Come Off
3/16/2018 - Rick Perry Apologizes For Trying To Outdo Fellow Cabinet Members By Using $72 Million Of Taxpayer Funds On Lampshade
3/16/2018 - Donald Trump Jr. Divorce Leaves Confused, Heartbroken Nation Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People
3/16/2018 - Teach For America Celebrates 3 Decades Of Helping Recent Graduates Pad Out Law School Applications
3/16/2018 - Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey
3/16/2018 - Vagina Has Five O'Clock Shadow
3/16/2018 - Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down
3/16/2018 - Facebook Announces Plan To Combat Fake News Stories By Making Them Actually Happen
3/16/2018 - ‘I Must Make Sure You Have The Skills To Please My Grandson,’ Says Queen Elizabeth Disrobing Before Meghan Markle
3/16/2018 - Why Is March Madness The Only Time We Get To See Good, Old Fashioned, Fundamental Gambling?
3/16/2018 - Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos
3/16/2018 - Buttered Popcorn Tops Rankings Of Favorite Jelly Bean Flavor
3/16/2018 - Doll Real Estate Agent Glosses Over Giant Hinged Opening In Middle Of House
3/15/2018 - Exhausted Mueller Trying To Find Trump Organization Russia Documents Amid Thousands Of Harassment Lawsuits
3/15/2018 - Thousands Of Students Nationwide Walk Out Of Schools In Gun Protest
3/15/2018 - ‘You Did The Best You Could,’ Says Iron Man Action Figure Voiced By Despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO Packing Up Office
3/15/2018 - Hank’s Upset That The Office Rejected His Bracket For Being 3 Minutes Late
3/15/2018 - ‘The Onion’ Hires Several Pastry Chefs Away From Entenmann’s To Form New Bakery
3/15/2018 - Which NCAA Tournament Team Will Struggle Most With The Pressure Of Playing Under FBI Surveillance?
3/15/2018 - Molly Hatchet Posts Surprise Upset In Former Deep Purple District
3/15/2018 - Elon Musk Embarrassed After Realizing He Proposing Idea For Thing That Already Exists
3/15/2018 - Report: 99% Of Employees Would Use Boss As Human Shield In Event Of Workplace Attack
3/15/2018 - Bath & Body Works Unveils New Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare
3/15/2018 - How Police Officers Get Away With Crimes
3/15/2018 - NASA Study Reveals 7% Of Astronaut’s Genes Change
3/15/2018 - Concerned Nation Gently Encourages Boston To Take It Easy This St. Patrick’s Day
3/15/2018 - Report: Friend’s Apartment Not Nice Enough To Be Asking People To Take Off Shoes
3/14/2018 - Scientology TV Network Sets Launch
3/14/2018 - Heinz Introduces Industrial-Sized Ketchup Packet
3/14/2018 - NRA Ad Director Still Searching For Right Sinister Music To Play Over Footage Of High Schoolers
3/14/2018 - Busy Schedule Forces Vladimir Putin To Move Up Election Win A Couple Days Early
3/14/2018 - Border Wall Prototype Clearly Designed By Yayoi Kusama
3/14/2018 - Construction Union Seeks To Reduce Incidence Of Accidents Involving Babies Crawling On Steel I-Beams
3/14/2018 - Department Of Education Study Finds Only 30% Of Students Adequately Prepared For Spring Musical
3/14/2018 - Stephen Hawking Leaves Behind Beautiful Legacy Of Unheeded Warnings To Humanity
3/14/2018 - Historians Say It Still A Mystery How People In Ancient Times Didn’t Just Go Crazy And Kill Themselves
3/14/2018 - Last Cherry Tomato In Salad A Wily Little Bastard
3/14/2018 - Tips For Securing Your Home
3/14/2018 - New Workplace Diversity Initiative Kills One White Employee Every Hour On The Hour Until More Minority Candidates Hired
3/14/2018 - MIT Aims To Build Fusion Power Plant Within 15 Years
3/14/2018 - Proud Billionaire Helps Young Son Open First Offshore Bank Account
3/14/2018 - Entire Life Of Universe Flashes Before Stephen Hawking’s Eyes
3/13/2018 - Britain Blames Russia For Poisoning Of Former Spy
3/13/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 13, 2018
3/13/2018 - Mike Pompeo Startled After Seeing 'Beware Of Hubris' Scrawled In Oil On Bathroom Mirror
3/13/2018 - Gina Haspel Recalls Having To Torture More Prisoners Than Male Colleagues To Prove Herself
3/13/2018 - Rex Tillerson Shoots Mike Pompeo Quick Email Explaining All The Countries
3/13/2018 - Secretary Of State Fired After Inappropriately Weighing In On International Politics
3/13/2018 - I Just Found Out About Socks, And I’ve Gotta Say, Wow
3/13/2018 - Man Unsure How To Expose Self To Woman He Likes Without Coming Off As A Creep
3/13/2018 - Woman All Geared Up To Complain About Work Sidelined By Friend With Marital Problems
3/13/2018 - Coca-Cola Will Launch First-Ever Alcoholic Drink In Japan
3/13/2018 - Morale Low At State Department After Only Employee Fired
3/13/2018 - Mud In Your Eye
3/13/2018 - Rex Tillerson Blindsided By News He Still Worked For State Department
3/13/2018 - FDA Cancels Bacon Recall After Finding U.S. Population Already Ate It All
3/12/2018 - Daylight Saving Time Begins
3/12/2018 - Kinky Couple Has Mirror In Bathroom
3/12/2018 - CNN Panelists Warn North Korea Situation Way Too Complex For Them To Discuss Intelligently
3/12/2018 - Swans In Committed Relationship Barely Ever Arch Necks Into Heart Shape Anymore
3/12/2018 - CDC Rolls Out Fleet Of Narcan Biplanes To Fumigate Opioid-Ravaged Small Towns
3/12/2018 - Betsy DeVos Argues Issue Of Guns In Schools Should Be Fully Left Up To Individual Shooters
3/12/2018 - Girlfriend’s Birthday Weekend A Nightmarish, Labyrinthian Journey Through Her Darkest, Most Depraved Desires
3/12/2018 - Audience Left Wondering What Happened After Action Film Pans From Character To Shot Of Blood Spattering Against Wall
3/12/2018 - Newborn Constantly Terrorized By Horrifying Shapeless Blobs
3/12/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 12, 2018
3/12/2018 - Opioid Overdoses Soar By 30%
3/9/2018 - Onion Public Radio Presents
3/9/2018 - World’s Oldest Message In A Bottle Found On Australian Beach
3/9/2018 - Negative Review Of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ Peppered With Critic Assuring Readers He Still Totally Supports Diversity
3/9/2018 - Each Passenger Has Own Theory About How Guy Got Into First Class
3/9/2018 - Episode 6: The Game Changer
3/9/2018 - Wilbur Ross Shakes Self Awake After Briefly Dying During Cabinet Meeting
3/9/2018 - Netflix Executive Unsure How To Tell Barack Obama His Series Idea Just ‘Fawlty Towers’
3/9/2018 - Biologists Still Uncertain About Evolutionary Function Of Ugly People
3/9/2018 - Dozens Of Other Countries That Interfered In 2016 Election Annoyed Russia Getting All The Credit
3/9/2018 - Fresh Beef Coming To McDonald’s
3/9/2018 - New Evidence Reveals Ancient Greeks Immediately Regretted Inventing Theater
3/8/2018 - Apple Employees Called 911 After Smacking Heads On Headquarters’ Glass
3/8/2018 - Report: Human Bones Found On Remote Pacific Island Most Likely Remains Of Those Eaten By Amelia Earhart
3/8/2018 - When This Woman Was Told She Couldn't Vote, She Quietly Obeyed The Law Isn't That Inspiring In Its Own Way?
3/8/2018 - Huckabee Sanders Warns Stormy Daniels’ Disclosures Just Steamy, Sexy Distraction From Real Issues
3/8/2018 - Fast-Learning New Hire Gains Quick Grasp Of How Terrible Job Is
3/8/2018 - Perverted Measles Virus Exposes Itself To Playground Full Of Children
3/8/2018 - Point/Counterpoint
: All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer vs. I Feel Great!
3/8/2018 - Second Amendment Activist Defends Gun Ownership As Essential For Starting The Foot Race At Town Midsummer Jubilee
3/8/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Open Relationships
3/8/2018 - Report: Average American Walks Less Than One Mile Each Year With Pants Around Ankles
3/8/2018 - Americans No Longer Prefer Sons To Daughters
3/8/2018 - NYC Park Officials Finally Get Around To Replacing Dead Light Bulbs In Statue Of Liberty’s Eyes
3/7/2018 - Man At Gym Apparently Comfortable Standing Naked Right In Middle Of Spin Class
3/7/2018 - Returning West Virginia Teachers Unceremoniously Toss Hundreds Of Dead Class Pets Into Trash
3/7/2018 - North Korea Open To Relinquishing Nuclear Arms
3/7/2018 - 5-Year-Old Explorer Makes Contact With Life-Forms In Adjacent Booth
3/7/2018 - Episode 5, Part 2: Did My Police Department Miss Something?
3/7/2018 - Gregg Popovich Berates Spurs For Missing Nation’s Descent Into Oligarchy
3/7/2018 - The West Swing
3/7/2018 - Going To Bed Last Thing Tempurpedic CEO Wants To Think About After Long Day At Work
3/7/2018 - Roomba Claims Another Pet Gerbil
3/7/2018 - Doctor Performs Brain Surgery On Wrong Patient
3/7/2018 - New Body Negativity Campaign Promotes Idea That Ugliness Comes In All Shapes And Sizes
3/7/2018 - Dunkin' Donuts Introduces New Girl Scout-Flavored Coffee
3/6/2018 - Gary Cohn Resigns In Protest Of Trump’s Bigoted Comments Towards Aluminum
3/6/2018 - Judge Forces Martin Shkreli To Forfeit $2 Million Wu-Tang Clan Album
3/6/2018 - Report: It Not Hard At All To Imagine Your Coworkers’ Supple, Nude Bodies
3/6/2018 - Warm Approach Of Potential New Friendship Just Street Canvasser Again
3/6/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 6, 2018
3/6/2018 - Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He A Virgin
3/6/2018 - Military Historians Discover Majority Of Human Warfare Fought By Disguised Women Taking Place Of Ailing Fathers
3/6/2018 - A Timeline Of Gun Laws In America
3/6/2018 - Fetid, Shit-Covered Elon Musk Announces Plan To Revolutionize Nation's Sewage System
3/6/2018 - People Called Me Crazy When I Said We Were Going To Sell The Common Chicken As Food, But Who’s Laughing Now
3/6/2018 - Teacher In Cash-Strapped Ohio School District Forced To Make Do With Centuries-Old Firearms
3/6/2018 - Childhood Obesity Getting Worse
3/5/2018 - ‘The Shape of Water’ Wins Best Picture
3/5/2018 - ‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism
3/5/2018 - Photograph Of Little Girl Being Absorbed Into Michelle Obama Portrait Goes Viral
3/5/2018 - Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party
3/5/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 5, 2018
3/5/2018 - Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care
3/5/2018 - Airbnb Host Decides Handwritten Note Necessary To Protect Cocktail Sauce In Fridge
3/5/2018 - Unclear If Shirtless Man In Black-And-White Film Once Considered Attractive
3/5/2018 - Moon To Get Mobile Network By 2019
3/5/2018 - Woman Decides Period Over
3/4/2018 - ‘Phantom Thread’ Wins Academy Award For Best Film You Liked But Probably Wouldn’t See Again
3/4/2018 - Banjo-Wielding Matt Damon Makes Last-Minute Bid For Best Original Song
3/4/2018 - Oscars Audience Shrugging Uproariously During Jimmy Kimmel’s Opening Monologue
3/4/2018 - Guillermo Del Toro: ‘In Today’s Society, The True Monsters Are The Horrifying, Flesh-Eating Gargoyles’
3/4/2018 - Red Carpet Organizers Regret Only Renting One Porta Potty
3/4/2018 - Perverted Creep Keeps Asking Women What They’re Wearing
3/3/2018 - James Harden Credits His NBA Success To Sage Advice From Fiddler Crab Living Deep Inside Beard
3/2/2018 - Episode 5, Part 1: Did My Police Department Miss Something?
3/2/2018 - Cape Town Could Run Out Of Water As Early As July
3/2/2018 - How Much Can Hank Pad Out This Segment About The NFL Combine?
3/2/2018 - Has The #MeToo Movement Gone Too Far? Or Not Far Enough? Collect All Four Variant Covers To Find Out
3/2/2018 - Pope Francis Finds Self In Hell After Taking Wrong Turn In Vatican Catacombs
3/2/2018 - Academy Honors Retiring Daniel Day-Lewis With Small Farewell Happy Hour In Dolby Theatre Kitchen
3/2/2018 - Legendary Bass Fisherman Explains How Easily He'd Catch The Fish Monster From 'The Shape Of Water'
3/2/2018 - 23AndMe Forensic Kit Informs Customer What Crimes He’s Committed
3/2/2018 - Report: We Don’t Make Any Money If You Don’t Click The Fucking Link
3/2/2018 - NASA Receives Info On Jupiter's Large Helium Deposits From Juno Probe's Squeaky, High-Pitched Transmission
3/2/2018 - Americans Trust Mueller More Than Trump
3/2/2018 - Man Passes Away Surrounded By Knife-Wielding Loved Ones
3/2/2018 - Frothing Alex Jones Claims Sexual Harassment Part Of Worldwide Imbalance In Gender Power Dynamics
3/1/2018 - The Onion’s 2018 Oscar Picks
3/1/2018 - Dollar Tree To Stop Selling Assault Weapons
3/1/2018 - Pizza Hut Replaces Papa John’s As Official Pizza Of NFL
3/1/2018 - Beer Aisle Scanned For Something Asshole Friend Won’t Mock
3/1/2018 - Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once
3/1/2018 - Kellyanne Conway: ‘I Always Liked Hope Hicks’ Skin, Her Unblemished Supple Skin, Pure, Tasty Skin’
3/1/2018 - PornHub Expands Parental Controls For User Accounts
3/1/2018 - English Teacher Already Armed With Deadly Weapon Called Shakespeare
3/1/2018 - The Producers Of ‘Call Me By Your Name’ Discuss Their Favorite Peach-Fucking Scenes In The Film
3/1/2018 - UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Finally Confirmed There Were No Survivors In The Challenger Disaster
3/1/2018 - Report: It Would Probably Be Nice Having Friends
3/1/2018 - Anti-Semitic Incidents Rise 57% In 2017
3/1/2018 - How To Build An App
3/1/2018 - How To Protect Your Data From Hackers