Sitemap
2018 May
5/31/2018 - Timeline Of The Republican Party
5/31/2018 - New Stephen King Book Mocks Stanley Kubrick’s ‘The Shining’ Adaptation
5/31/2018 - White House Photographer Disturbed To Find Faint, Ghostly Image Of Melania Trump In Background Of Every Photo
5/31/2018 - Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint
5/31/2018 - ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child
5/31/2018 - Kissing Mule In Wedding Dress Right On The Lips Real Wakeup Call For Town Drunk
5/31/2018 - Simple Exercises Anyone Can Do While Doing The Splits
5/31/2018 - Air Force Uncovers LSD Use Among Airmen Guarding Nuclear Missiles
5/31/2018 - David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings
5/31/2018 - Commencement, A Duress
5/30/2018 - ABC Cancels ‘Roseanne’ Reboot
5/30/2018 - Pollster Informs George H.W. Bush That Dying So Soon After Wife Would Really Boost Favorability Rating
5/30/2018 - ‘Coffee Cultivation Merely Extends The System Of Colonial Oppression,’ Recite Nation’s 180,000 Radicalized Starbucks Employees After 3-Hour Anti-Bias Training
5/30/2018 - Teacher With Brand-New Chalk Holder Must Have Come Into Some Money Recently
5/30/2018 - Exit Interview Mostly HR Manager Introducing Herself
5/30/2018 - Man Sick And Tired Of Hearing Upstairs Neighbors Skirt Around Core Conflict Of Argument
5/30/2018 - Sexy Woman Can Tie Banana Peel Into Knot With Tongue
5/30/2018 - Showrunner Disappointed World Will Never See Episode Where Roseanne Blows Open Seth Rich Murder
5/30/2018 - ‘Spider-Man’ Malian Migrant Granted French Citizenship After Saving Baby From Balcony
5/30/2018 - Every Email From Realtor Includes JPEG File Of Property Group Logo For Some Reason
5/29/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 29, 2018
5/29/2018 - ABC Criticized For Unrealistic Portrayal Of Racists Actually Facing Consequences
5/29/2018 - Hotshot Commencement Speaker Jumps Straight Into Speech Without Even Defining ‘Courage’
5/29/2018 - James Cameron Warns Great Barrier Reef Will Die Without Intervention
5/29/2018 - Irish Doctors Brace For Wave Of Fetuses To Be Aborted 12 Weeks After Repeal Celebration
5/29/2018 - ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Producer Points Out All The Cameos Made By The Film's Kickstarter Donors
5/29/2018 - Trump Calls Roseanne Barr To Congratulate Her On Comparing Former White House Aide To Ape
5/29/2018 - Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers
5/29/2018 - Study: Human Anxiety Highest When Sitting In Wrong Seat At Concert
5/29/2018 - Devin Nunes Receives $4.5 Million From Donor On Condition He’ll Just Retire On It And Never Show His Face Again
5/29/2018 - Man Directs Full Force Of Anecdote Toward Single Person After Rest Of Group Moves On To Different Topic
5/29/2018 - Myth Vs. Fact: The U.S. Meat Industry
5/29/2018 - Is Stress Real, Or Are You Crazy And It's All In Your Head?
5/29/2018 - Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office
5/29/2018 - Trick Candles Just Making Birthday Boy Cry Harder
5/29/2018 - New Edition Of Emily Post’s Etiquette Book To Include Chapter Demonstrating Proper Way To Lick Maple Syrup Off Plate
5/28/2018 - Woman Been Thinking About Getting Bangs For Past 8 Years
5/28/2018 - International Space Station Tented To Spray For Xenomorphs
5/28/2018 - Radiohead Re-Releases ‘Kid A’ With Remastered Original Skits
5/28/2018 - JetBlue Subsidiary Becomes First Customer Of Hybrid-Electric Planes
5/28/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 28, 2018
5/25/2018 - Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night
5/25/2018 - Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal
5/25/2018 - Trump Cancels Meeting With North Korea
5/25/2018 - Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase
5/25/2018 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’
5/25/2018 - Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library
5/25/2018 - Jerry Jones Offers To Pay Players' Fines For Domestic Violence
5/25/2018 - How To Lose Those Next 15 Pounds
5/25/2018 - Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Restored
5/25/2018 - L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility
5/25/2018 - God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash
5/24/2018 - New NFL Policy Requires Players To Either Stand For National Anthem Or Stay In Locker Room
5/24/2018 - Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through
5/24/2018 - Other 193 Countries Begin Insulting Mike Pence In Hopes Of Avoiding Future Meetings With Trump
5/24/2018 - ‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant
5/24/2018 - Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance
5/24/2018 - Fan Doubtful ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Can Live Up To Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger
5/24/2018 - Friend Insists You Just Have To Climb Ladder, Hop Gap, Scale Wall To See The View From Apartment’s Roof
5/24/2018 - Study Finds 87% Of Knowledge About Nation Comes From Side Of U-Haul Trucks
5/24/2018 - Levi’s Unveils New Line Of Jeans With Size Written Across The Whole Ass
5/24/2018 - Chuck E. Cheese’s Pit Boss Tells Floor Attendant To Keep An Eye On Guest Winning Big At Skee-Ball
5/24/2018 - The Onion’s Summer 2018 Movie Preview
5/24/2018 - Funeral Attendees Getting Misty-Eyed During First Dance With Corpse
5/24/2018 - Sinkhole Opens In White House Lawn
5/23/2018 - Red Sox Team Doctor Unclear Whether He Supposed To Join Fight Or Not
5/23/2018 - Tips For Dealing With Workplace Burnout
5/23/2018 - Depleted Hawaiian Volcano Now Just Coughing Up Bile
5/23/2018 - Netflix Cancels ‘Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts’
5/23/2018 - Nation’s Rich And Powerful Wondering When Rest Of Americans Will Just Give Up
5/23/2018 - Trump Casts Doubt On North Korea Summit
5/23/2018 - New NFL Policy Requires All Players To Honor Patriotic Spirit Of Subservience That American Flag Represents
5/23/2018 - A Hula-va Way To Go
5/23/2018 - Philip Roth Obituary Just Thinly Disguised Version Of Author’s Life
5/23/2018 - Margaret Atwood: ‘The Handmaids Are Supposed To Be Aliens’
5/23/2018 - 2024 Financial Collapse Passes House 258-159
5/23/2018 - Thoughtful Ocean Returns Body A Few Days After Borrowing It
5/23/2018 - Try This Filling Superfood Smoothie To Power You Through An Exhausting Day Of Massages, Meditation, And Shopping
5/23/2018 - Obamas Sign Deal To Produce Netflix Shows, Movies
5/23/2018 - Man Silently Eating Personal Pan Pizza Alone In Corner Of Airport Unaware This Will Be Best Part Of 7-Day Vacation
5/23/2018 - Sephora Makeup Artist Helping Woman Create The Perfect Pink Eye
5/22/2018 - Bernie Sanders Announces He Will Seek Reelection
5/22/2018 - In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President
5/22/2018 - Whether You Lean To The Right Or Lean To The Left, Can We All Just Agree To Cha-Cha Real Smooth Now?
5/22/2018 - Man With 20 Rifles Can’t Remember If His Goal To Start Or Stop Violent Overthrow Of Government
5/22/2018 - Maple Tree Wishes It Was Given A Say In Becoming Memorial To Man’s Dead Wife
5/22/2018 - ICE Detains Tim Kaine For Speaking Spanish At Campaign Rally
5/22/2018 - Woman Attempts To Cram Few Years’ Worth Of Body Positivity Into 20 Minutes Before Trying On Bathing Suits
5/22/2018 - New Alternate-History Drama Examines What Would Have Happened If Nazis Won 1991 NBA Finals
5/22/2018 - Injury Footage Sponsored
5/22/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 22, 2018
5/22/2018 - Philip Morris Releases New Single-Puff Marlboro Minis
5/22/2018 - Myth Vs. Fact: Paid Sick Leave
5/22/2018 - Senior Pretty Checked Out During Entire Final Year
5/22/2018 - Elon Musk Promises $1 Rides In L.A. Transit Tunnels
5/22/2018 - MLB Reminds Teams To Properly Dispose Of All Torn Elbow Ligaments
5/22/2018 - New Financial Report Finds Economy Invincible Forever This Time
5/21/2018 - Bill Gates: ‘Trump Twice Asked Me About The Difference Between HIV And HPV’
5/21/2018 - Authorities Say Dozens Of Bystanders Failed To Act As Man Went About His Life
5/21/2018 - ‘Breitbart’ Refusing To Release Names Of Mass Shooting Victims In Order To Prevent Them From Getting Attention
5/21/2018 - Desperate Starbucks Now Pleading For People To Masturbate, Use Drugs In Its Restrooms
5/21/2018 - New Fad Diet Requires You To Stop Eating For A Full Five Minutes A Day
5/21/2018 - Report: All The Other Races Coming To Take Your Stuff
5/21/2018 - ‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience
5/21/2018 - Biden Kicked Out Of Laundromat After Shag Rug Floods Washing Machine
5/21/2018 - 14th Severed Foot Washes Ashore In Pacific Northwest
5/21/2018 - Queen Elizabeth Announces Success Of Monarchy’s Recent Diversity Initiative
5/21/2018 - Supercuts CEO Apologizes For Number Of Customers Scalped Every Month
5/21/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 21, 2018
5/21/2018 - Family Wishes Dad Could Find Healthier Way To Express Emotions Than Bursting Into Full-Blown Musical Number
5/20/2018 - Man At Park Who Set Up Table Full Of Water Cups Has No Idea How Passing Marathon Runners Got Impression They Can Take Them
5/19/2018 - Meghan Markle’s College Friends Stuck At Table With Sickly Habsburg Cousins
5/19/2018 - Backstreet Boys Release First Single Since 2013
5/19/2018 - Royal Wedding Photographer Feeling Pretty Guilty About Time He Ran Princess Di Off Road
5/19/2018 - Prince Harry Gets Old Suit Tailored To Wear To Wedding
5/18/2018 - Prince Harry Shows Guest To Air Mattress In Corner Of Windsor Castle
5/18/2018 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
5/18/2018 - Robinson Cano: ‘I Deeply Apologize For Using Performance Enhancers To Make This Boring Game More Awesome’
5/18/2018 - U.S. Military Defends Controversial Decision To Test Kilauea Volcano On Hawaiian Civilians
5/18/2018 - Wisconsin Man Eats 30,000th Big Mac, Breaking World Record
5/18/2018 - Sociologists Confirm Emergence Of Generation More Entitled, Self-Absorbed Than Any Seen Before
5/17/2018 - HBO Selects Cleveland Browns To Appear On New Season Of ‘Big Little Lies’
5/17/2018 - Mohawked Rex Tillerson Warns U.S. Democracy Threatened By Plutocratic Fascist Pigs Fucking Over The Working Man
5/17/2018 - Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone
5/17/2018 - Senate Intelligence Committee Confirms From Testimony That Donald Trump Jr. Has No Knowledge
5/17/2018 - George R.R. Martin Promises Fans ‘The Winds Of Winter’ Is Nearly Started
5/17/2018 - Kim Jong-Un Threatens To Pull Out Of Nuclear Summit
5/17/2018 - Throne For A Loop
5/17/2018 - Oprah Winfrey Breaks Record For Most Appearances On The Cover Of ‘O Magazine’
5/17/2018 - ‘The President Can Suck My Big Fat Dick,’ Says Rex Tillerson In Veiled Attack On Trump
5/17/2018 - The Russian Probe: Year One Of Robert Mueller Somehow Resisting The Urge To Gouge Out His Own Eyes
5/17/2018 - Everything You Need To Know About The Royal Wedding
5/17/2018 - Mother’s Day Card Thrown In Trash
5/17/2018 - Mother’s Day Card Finally Arrives
5/17/2018 - Furious Meghan Markle Can’t Believe Harry Hasn’t Told Family She’s Black Yet
5/17/2018 - Chocolate Spill Covers Highway In Poland
5/17/2018 - Oscar Meyer Introduces New Wiener Mobility Scooter
5/17/2018 - Houseguest Given Entire Rundown On Input 1, Input 2
5/16/2018 - Australian ‘Man With The Golden Arm’ Retires After Saving 2.4 Million Babies
5/16/2018 - Cash-Strapped MoviePass Limiting New Users To One Movie Filmed In CEO’s Backyard Per Month
5/16/2018 - NSA Scrambling To Reestablish Whereabouts Of Man Who Covered Laptop Camera With Tape
5/16/2018 - Supreme Court Votes 7-2 To Legalize All Worldly Vices
5/16/2018 - CafePress.com Announces Sweeping Privacy Changes After Improperly Sharing The T-Shirt Sizes Of Millions Of Americans
5/16/2018 - Bath & Body Works Now Offering Free Lotion Tastings
5/16/2018 - Sleeping Man Flanked By Laptop, Phone, Earbuds Like Egyptian Pharaoh Buried With All His Treasures
5/16/2018 - Spotify Removes R. Kelly From Promotions As Part Of Anti-Hate Policy
5/16/2018 - God Humbled To Be The Answer To ‘Jeopardy!’ Clue
5/15/2018 - Report: John Grisham Slowly But Surely Climbing List Of Greatest Living American Authors
5/15/2018 - Melania’s Staff Asks For Privacy From President While She Recuperates
5/15/2018 - Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Sports Betting
5/15/2018 - Venus Horrified After Finding Millions Of Nude Pictures Of Herself On Internet
5/15/2018 - IDF Soldier Recounts Harrowing, Heroic War Story Of Killing 8-Month-Old Child
5/15/2018 - Fist-Pumping Jared Kushner Leaves Jerusalem Embassy Refreshed And Ready To Solve Next Global Crisis
5/15/2018 - Netanyahu Announces Day Of Mourning For Fence Damaged In Yesterday’s Conflict
5/15/2018 - John Deere Unveils New Line Of Lawnmower Sidecars
5/15/2018 - Worst Man-Made Disasters In History
5/15/2018 - Pink Jersey Proves That Woman Is Sports Fan, Yet Also Retains A Certain Femininity
5/15/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 15, 2018
5/15/2018 - Jon Bon Jovi Jealous Of Former Classmate Who Made It Out Of Jersey
5/15/2018 - Riders Spend 2 Hours Trapped On Highest Part Of Roller Coaster
5/14/2018 - Trump Preemptively Tells Melania He Won't Give Her A Kidney
5/14/2018 - Israeli Soldiers Open Fire On Palestinians Carrying Potentially Dangerous Injured Friends
5/14/2018 - Frightened Rabbit Singer Scott Hutchison
Dead At 36
5/14/2018 - 53-Inch Child Thrown From Roller Coaster Regrets Nothing
5/14/2018 - Trump Fascinated By Israeli Cultural Tradition Of Mass Slaughter Of Protesters
5/14/2018 - Man Surprised By How Often He Still Uses Bullying Skills He Learned In High School
5/14/2018 - Couple Just Wants Small Ceremony In Public Park With Close Friends And Shirtless Stranger Hanging Around Tree
5/14/2018 - Trump Announces North Korea Summit Will Be In Singapore
5/14/2018 - Mother's Day Card Mailed
5/14/2018 - Dalai Lama Announces Next Life To Be His Last Before Retirement
5/14/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 14, 2018
5/13/2018 - Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer
5/13/2018 - Woman Mentally Rearranging Rankings Of Children While Opening Mother’s Day Gifts
5/13/2018 - Mother Given Gift Basket Of Soaps, Bubble Bath Hopefully Takes Hint That She Smells Like Shit
5/11/2018 - John Kelly Suspects Jared Kushner Of Being Illegal Immigrant After Observing He Has No Skills
5/11/2018 - Americans Get Ready For Mother’s Day
5/11/2018 - John Kelly Hoping Prejudiced Anti-Immigrant Comments Got Him Back On Trump's Good Side
5/11/2018 - Alcoholic Parent Easy To Shop For
5/11/2018 - Investigation Confirms NBC Management Had No Knowledge Of Misconduct In Matt Lauer’s Network-Sanctioned Sex Dungeon
5/11/2018 - AT&T CEO Regrets Hiring Cohen Instead Of Just Dropping A Ton Of Cash At Trump International Hotel Like Everyone Else
5/11/2018 - Director Of Census Bureau Calls For Updated Population Report After Realizing He Forgot To Count Himself
5/11/2018 - ‘I Look Forward To Ending My Life,’ Says Assisted Suicide Advocate Before Being Shot Out Of Cannon At Brick Wall
5/11/2018 - Roethlisberger Upset Steelers Didn't Ask For His Consent Before Drafting Quarterback
5/11/2018 - Area Man Really Banking On Unconditional Love Doing Most Of Heavy Lifting For Mother’s Day Bouquet
5/11/2018 - NASA Says Presence Of Diving Board On Mars Confirms Planet May Have Once Contained Water
5/11/2018 - Christiane Amanpour To Replace Charlie Rose On PBS
5/11/2018 - ‘ASS’ Finally Inducted Into Video Game Hall Of Fame
5/11/2018 - New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart
5/10/2018 - Ford Confirms Plant Fire Caused By Spooked F-150 Knocking Over Lantern
5/10/2018 - North Korean Prisoners Temporarily Put Into American Detention Camp To Help Ease Shock Of Return
5/10/2018 - Israel Offends Japanese Prime Minister By Serving Dessert In Shoe
5/10/2018 - Syrian Man Kept Up All Night By Neighbors Dying
5/10/2018 - Anxious Gina Haspel Gives Self Little Pep Interrogation In Bathroom Mirror
5/10/2018 - Netanyahu Begins Calling For Israeli Return To Ancient Homeland Of Iran
5/10/2018 - Study: Headaches Are The Body’s Way Of Communicating It Wants Pills
5/10/2018 - New Study Confirms Sharks Just Really Angry Dolphins
5/10/2018 - The Pros And Cons Of Civility In Politics
5/10/2018 - ‘Sometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,’ Says Man Who Accidentally Turned Shower Knob Wrong Way
5/10/2018 - Melania Trump Unveils ‘Be Best’ Childhood Initiative
5/10/2018 - Sperm Bank Manager Takes Wealthy Couple To Secret Back Freezer Where The Real Good Stuff Is Stored
5/9/2018 - Sarah Huckabee Sanders Flatly Rejects Jim Acosta's Assertion That He's Jim Acosta
5/9/2018 - Trump Withdraws From Iran Deal
5/9/2018 - How To Make Your Home More Energy-Efficient
5/9/2018 - Horrified Grimes Stumbles Upon Boyfriend’s $18 Billion Plan For All-New, Reinvented Grimes
5/9/2018 - Mark McGwire Claims He Would Have Hit 70 Home Runs Without Help Of Bat
5/9/2018 - Gina Haspel Nervously Rubs Lucky Prisoner's Foot During CIA Director Confirmation Hearing
5/9/2018 - 10-Year-Old First Responders Rush To Bike Crash Scene To Check Out Tyler’s Fucked-Up Leg
5/9/2018 - Mariners’ Staff Tired Of Ichiro Suzuki’s Long Warm-Up Routine Before Using Scanner
5/9/2018 - Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Cartilage Inserts For All-Day Knee Pain Relief
5/9/2018 - Scientists Successfully Create Artificial Placenta That Tastes Just As Delicious As Real One
5/9/2018 - Ken Jeong Uses Medical Training To Rescue Audience Member
5/8/2018 - Rockets’ Mop Guy Can Tell This Game Going To Be A Sweaty One
5/8/2018 - Iranian Scientist Annoyed He Has To Go Back To Shitty Old Job Building Nuclear Weapons
5/8/2018 - Diseases Spread By Ticks, Mosquitoes Tripled Since 2004
5/8/2018 - Met Janitors Hurrying To Remove Crucified Katy Perry From Museum Lobby
5/8/2018 - Trump Lawyers Anxious 4,731st Shoe Will Drop
5/8/2018 - New York Attorney General Claims Assaults Were Just Him Role-Playing As Unaccountable Male Authority Figure
5/8/2018 - Excited Mike Pence Assures John McCain He Has His ‘Last Rites’ Kit Ready To Go Just In Case
5/8/2018 - Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation
5/8/2018 - Mothers Milk (It)
5/8/2018 - Fitbit Releases New Tracking Collar That Gets Tighter Every Second You Are Inactive
5/8/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 8, 2018
5/8/2018 - Sean Hannity Informs Building Tenants About Deep-State Conspiracy Forcing Him To Triple Rent
5/8/2018 - Grandma Getting To Point Where She Looks Like Every Other Grandma
5/8/2018 - Bill Gates Pledges $12 Million For Universal Flu Vaccine
5/8/2018 - Flu Vaccine Recalled Due To Defective Government Tracking Microchips
5/8/2018 - Construction Crew Arguing Over Who Gets To Use The Fun Tools
5/7/2018 - NRA Touts Oliver North’s Expertise At Avoiding Jail Time For Colluding With Hostile Foreign Powers
5/7/2018 - U.S. Customs Agents Finds Unconscious Tiger In Duffle Bag
5/7/2018 - Curiosity Rover Frantically Driving Around Mars To Make It Look Like It’s Been Busy Before New Spacecraft Arrives
5/7/2018 - Lindsey Graham Vows To Uphold John McCain’s Legacy By Blindly Supporting GOP Agenda After Grumbling For A Few Minutes
5/7/2018 - No One In Prison Sure How Jared Fogle Still Eating Subway Every Meal
5/7/2018 - Trump Boys Set Up ‘Don And Eric Law Place’ In White House Electrical Room To Help Dad With Legal Problems
5/7/2018 - Once-Adventurous Salmon Can’t Believe She Ended Up Moving Back To Birthplace, Having A Bunch Of Kids
5/7/2018 - Stunted 56-Year-Old Still Writing Chuck Palahniuk Novels
5/7/2018 - ‘Incredibles 2’ Forced To Take Out Grisly Cannibalism Scene In Order To Secure PG Rating
5/7/2018 - Democrats Lose Ground With Millennials
5/7/2018 - Derek Jeter Denies Tanking Allegations After Marlins Field 4 Players
5/7/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 7, 2018
5/4/2018 - Bloomberg Pledges $4.5 Million To Meet U.S. Commitment To Paris Accord
5/4/2018 - USPS Unveils New Line Of Commemorative Prince-Inspired Postal Workers
5/4/2018 - Mueller Poses As Fox News Host To Coax Rudy Giuliani Into Giving Him Testimony On Trump
5/4/2018 - Cobweb-Covered Skeleton Gripping Senate Desk Expected To Seek 15th Term
5/4/2018 - New Don Blankenship Campaign Ad Touts Jobs Created In Wake Of Upper Big Branch Mining Disaster
5/4/2018 - House Chaplain Delivers Soulful Prayer For God To Save Weak-Ass, Flip-Flopping Speakers Who Wound Up Looking Like Dipshits In Front Of Everyone
5/4/2018 - Report: It Unclear If Bar Patron Soccer Fan Or Just Waiting For Someone
5/4/2018 - Boardroom Begins To Quake As Black-Eyed CEO Announces Vision For Future Of Company
5/4/2018 - Amazon Fires Warehouse Worker Who Took Unauthorized Breath
5/4/2018 - Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Published
5/3/2018 - Mysterious Man In Parking Lot Threatens To Harm Rudy Giuliani If He Ever Blabs About Trump’s Legal Payments Again
5/3/2018 - Kroger Recalls 35,000 Pounds Of Ground Beef That May Contain CEO
5/3/2018 - Kanye West Says Slavery Was A Choice
5/3/2018 - Girls Scouts Announces They’ll Never Ever Let Gross Fucking Boys In
5/3/2018 - White Sox Promotion Puts First 9 Fans At Ballpark In Starting Lineup
5/3/2018 - ‘I Was The One Who Slept With Stormy Daniels,’ Says Sonny Perdue In Desperate Attempt To Serve As Trump’s Fall Guy
5/3/2018 - No Fucking Chance Kid Who Brought Mitt To 400 Level Getting Near Foul Ball
5/3/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Lowering The Voting Age
5/3/2018 - Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On Pants
5/3/2018 - Guitar Maker Gibson Files For Bankruptcy
5/2/2018 - Boy Scout Officials: ‘We Believe All Children, Regardless Of Gender, Deserve The Opportunity To One Day Die Alone In The Woods’
5/2/2018 - Cambridge Analytica Offers 75% Off All Facebook User Data For Blowout Closing Sale
5/2/2018 - Ty Cobb Returns To Old Private Practice In Enchanted Forest Toadstool
5/2/2018 - Kanye West: ‘I Would’ve Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got’
5/2/2018 - Facebook Announces Dating Service
5/2/2018 - Joe Maddon Saves Up All His Mound Visits For One Long Trip In 8th Inning
5/2/2018 - Tornado Creeped Out By Man Who Keeps Following It In Truck And Filming It
5/2/2018 - Facebook Addresses Accusations Of Silencing Conservative Voices By Deleting Barack Obama’s Profile
5/2/2018 - Saudi Prince Visits Injured Yemeni Child In Hospital To Finish The Job
5/2/2018 - Real Life Magic School Bus Flies Through Human Body
5/2/2018 - Increasingly Obsessed Robert Mueller Forces Wife To Dye Hair Blond, Dress Like Ivanka
5/2/2018 - 5 Things To Know About The Annual NRA Meeting
5/2/2018 - Driven To Greatness
5/2/2018 - New Historical Drama Just 90 Minutes Of Woman Holding Up Petticoats While Running Through Open Field
5/2/2018 - Gym Patron Just Resting For A Second Until Will To Live Returns
5/2/2018 - 3-Year-Old Pretending Stuffed Animals Having Big Fight About Accidental Pregnancy
5/2/2018 - Study Finds Human Bones Make Great Daggers
5/1/2018 - Trump Boys Ransack Mueller’s Office To Steal Answer Key To Questions For Their Dad
5/1/2018 - Netanyahu Provides Stunning New Evidence That Iranians Planned Sacking Of Babylon In 539 B.C.
5/1/2018 - North Korea Says it Will Denuclearize If U.S. Pledges Not To Invade
5/1/2018 - Report Suggests Stalin Was Just One Great Purge Away From Creating Communist Utopia
5/1/2018 - ‘We Can Have Differences Of Opinion And Still Respect Each Other,’ Says Betrayer Of The One True Cause
5/1/2018 - E. Coli Ready To Treat Itself To Some Beef After Weeks Of Nothing But Salad
5/1/2018 - Suction Cup-Wearing Robert Mueller Forced To Cower Behind White House Chandelier After Trump Returns Home Earlier Than Planned
5/1/2018 - Friend Dishonorably Discharged From Navigation Duties After Missing Exit
5/1/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 1, 2018
5/1/2018 - NY Gubernatorial Race: Andrew Cuomo vs. Cynthia Nixon
5/1/2018 - The Time Is Now To Clean Up This Soup I Just Spilled Everywhere
5/1/2018 - ‘GQ’ Calls The Bible Foolish And Not Worth Reading