5/31/2018 - Timeline Of The Republican Party

5/31/2018 - New Stephen King Book Mocks Stanley Kubrick’s ‘The Shining’ Adaptation

5/31/2018 - White House Photographer Disturbed To Find Faint, Ghostly Image Of Melania Trump In Background Of Every Photo

5/31/2018 - Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint

5/31/2018 - ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child

5/31/2018 - Kissing Mule In Wedding Dress Right On The Lips Real Wakeup Call For Town Drunk

5/31/2018 - Simple Exercises Anyone Can Do While Doing The Splits

5/31/2018 - Air Force Uncovers LSD Use Among Airmen Guarding Nuclear Missiles

5/31/2018 - David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings

5/31/2018 - Commencement, A Duress

5/30/2018 - ABC Cancels ‘Roseanne’ Reboot

5/30/2018 - Pollster Informs George H.W. Bush That Dying So Soon After Wife Would Really Boost Favorability Rating

5/30/2018 - ‘Coffee Cultivation Merely Extends The System Of Colonial Oppression,’ Recite Nation’s 180,000 Radicalized Starbucks Employees After 3-Hour Anti-Bias Training

5/30/2018 - Teacher With Brand-New Chalk Holder Must Have Come Into Some Money Recently

5/30/2018 - Exit Interview Mostly HR Manager Introducing Herself

5/30/2018 - Man Sick And Tired Of Hearing Upstairs Neighbors Skirt Around Core Conflict Of Argument

5/30/2018 - Sexy Woman Can Tie Banana Peel Into Knot With Tongue

5/30/2018 - Showrunner Disappointed World Will Never See Episode Where Roseanne Blows Open Seth Rich Murder

5/30/2018 - ‘Spider-Man’ Malian Migrant Granted French Citizenship After Saving Baby From Balcony

5/30/2018 - Every Email From Realtor Includes JPEG File Of Property Group Logo For Some Reason

5/29/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 29, 2018

5/29/2018 - ABC Criticized For Unrealistic Portrayal Of Racists Actually Facing Consequences

5/29/2018 - Hotshot Commencement Speaker Jumps Straight Into Speech Without Even Defining ‘Courage’

5/29/2018 - James Cameron Warns Great Barrier Reef Will Die Without Intervention

5/29/2018 - Irish Doctors Brace For Wave Of Fetuses To Be Aborted 12 Weeks After Repeal Celebration

5/29/2018 - ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Producer Points Out All The Cameos Made By The Film's Kickstarter Donors

5/29/2018 - Trump Calls Roseanne Barr To Congratulate Her On Comparing Former White House Aide To Ape

5/29/2018 - Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers

5/29/2018 - Study: Human Anxiety Highest When Sitting In Wrong Seat At Concert

5/29/2018 - Devin Nunes Receives $4.5 Million From Donor On Condition He’ll Just Retire On It And Never Show His Face Again

5/29/2018 - Man Directs Full Force Of Anecdote Toward Single Person After Rest Of Group Moves On To Different Topic

5/29/2018 - Myth Vs. Fact: The U.S. Meat Industry

5/29/2018 - Is Stress Real, Or Are You Crazy And It's All In Your Head?

5/29/2018 - Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office

5/29/2018 - Trick Candles Just Making Birthday Boy Cry Harder

5/29/2018 - New Edition Of Emily Post’s Etiquette Book To Include Chapter Demonstrating Proper Way To Lick Maple Syrup Off Plate

5/28/2018 - Woman Been Thinking About Getting Bangs For Past 8 Years

5/28/2018 - International Space Station Tented To Spray For Xenomorphs

5/28/2018 - Radiohead Re-Releases ‘Kid A’ With Remastered Original Skits

5/28/2018 - JetBlue Subsidiary Becomes First Customer Of Hybrid-Electric Planes

5/28/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 28, 2018

5/25/2018 - Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night

5/25/2018 - Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal

5/25/2018 - Trump Cancels Meeting With North Korea

5/25/2018 - Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase

5/25/2018 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’

5/25/2018 - Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library 

5/25/2018 - Jerry Jones Offers To Pay Players' Fines For Domestic Violence

5/25/2018 - How To Lose Those Next 15 Pounds

5/25/2018 - Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Restored

5/25/2018 - L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility

5/25/2018 - God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash

5/24/2018 - New NFL Policy Requires Players To Either Stand For National Anthem Or Stay In Locker Room

5/24/2018 - Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through

5/24/2018 - Other 193 Countries Begin Insulting Mike Pence In Hopes Of Avoiding Future Meetings With Trump

5/24/2018 - ‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant

5/24/2018 - Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance

5/24/2018 - Fan Doubtful ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Can Live Up To Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger

5/24/2018 - Friend Insists You Just Have To Climb Ladder, Hop Gap, Scale Wall To See The View From Apartment’s Roof

5/24/2018 - Study Finds 87% Of Knowledge About Nation Comes From Side Of U-Haul Trucks

5/24/2018 - Levi’s Unveils New Line Of Jeans With Size Written Across The Whole Ass

5/24/2018 - Chuck E. Cheese’s Pit Boss Tells Floor Attendant To Keep An Eye On Guest Winning Big At Skee-Ball

5/24/2018 - The Onion’s Summer 2018 Movie Preview

5/24/2018 - Funeral Attendees Getting Misty-Eyed During First Dance With Corpse

5/24/2018 - Sinkhole Opens In White House Lawn

5/23/2018 - Red Sox Team Doctor Unclear Whether He Supposed To Join Fight Or Not

5/23/2018 - Tips For Dealing With Workplace Burnout

5/23/2018 - Depleted Hawaiian Volcano Now Just Coughing Up Bile

5/23/2018 - Netflix Cancels ‘Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts’

5/23/2018 - Nation’s Rich And Powerful Wondering When Rest Of Americans Will Just Give Up

5/23/2018 - Trump Casts Doubt On North Korea Summit

5/23/2018 - New NFL Policy Requires All Players To Honor Patriotic Spirit Of Subservience That American Flag Represents

5/23/2018 - A Hula-va Way To Go

5/23/2018 - Philip Roth Obituary Just Thinly Disguised Version Of Author’s Life

5/23/2018 - Margaret Atwood: ‘The Handmaids Are Supposed To Be Aliens’

5/23/2018 - 2024 Financial Collapse Passes House 258-159

5/23/2018 - Thoughtful Ocean Returns Body A Few Days After Borrowing It

5/23/2018 - Try This Filling Superfood Smoothie To Power You Through An Exhausting Day Of Massages, Meditation, And Shopping

5/23/2018 - Obamas Sign Deal To Produce Netflix Shows, Movies

5/23/2018 - Man Silently Eating Personal Pan Pizza Alone In Corner Of Airport Unaware This Will Be Best Part Of 7-Day Vacation

5/23/2018 - Sephora Makeup Artist Helping Woman Create The Perfect Pink Eye

5/22/2018 - Bernie Sanders Announces He Will Seek Reelection

5/22/2018 - In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President

5/22/2018 - Whether You Lean To The Right Or Lean To The Left, Can We All Just Agree To Cha-Cha Real Smooth Now?

5/22/2018 - Man With 20 Rifles Can’t Remember If His Goal To Start Or Stop Violent Overthrow Of Government

5/22/2018 - Maple Tree Wishes It Was Given A Say In Becoming Memorial To Man’s Dead Wife

5/22/2018 - ICE Detains Tim Kaine For Speaking Spanish At Campaign Rally

5/22/2018 - Woman Attempts To Cram Few Years’ Worth Of Body Positivity Into 20 Minutes Before Trying On Bathing Suits

5/22/2018 - New Alternate-History Drama Examines What Would Have Happened If Nazis Won 1991 NBA Finals

5/22/2018 - Injury Footage Sponsored

5/22/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 22, 2018

5/22/2018 - Philip Morris Releases New Single-Puff Marlboro Minis

5/22/2018 - Myth Vs. Fact: Paid Sick Leave

5/22/2018 - Senior Pretty Checked Out During Entire Final Year

5/22/2018 - Elon Musk Promises $1 Rides In L.A. Transit Tunnels

5/22/2018 - MLB Reminds Teams To Properly Dispose Of All Torn Elbow Ligaments

5/22/2018 - New Financial Report Finds Economy Invincible Forever This Time

5/21/2018 - Bill Gates: ‘Trump Twice Asked Me About The Difference Between HIV And HPV’

5/21/2018 - Authorities Say Dozens Of Bystanders Failed To Act As Man Went About His Life

5/21/2018 - ‘Breitbart’ Refusing To Release Names Of Mass Shooting Victims In Order To Prevent Them From Getting Attention

5/21/2018 - Desperate Starbucks Now Pleading For People To Masturbate, Use Drugs In Its Restrooms

5/21/2018 - New Fad Diet Requires You To Stop Eating For A Full Five Minutes A Day

5/21/2018 - Report: All The Other Races Coming To Take Your Stuff

5/21/2018 - ‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience

5/21/2018 - Biden Kicked Out Of Laundromat After Shag Rug Floods Washing Machine

5/21/2018 - 14th Severed Foot Washes Ashore In Pacific Northwest

5/21/2018 - Queen Elizabeth Announces Success Of Monarchy’s Recent Diversity Initiative

5/21/2018 - Supercuts CEO Apologizes For Number Of Customers Scalped Every Month

5/21/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 21, 2018

5/21/2018 - Family Wishes Dad Could Find Healthier Way To Express Emotions Than Bursting Into Full-Blown Musical Number

5/20/2018 - Man At Park Who Set Up Table Full Of Water Cups Has No Idea How Passing Marathon Runners Got Impression They Can Take Them

5/19/2018 - Meghan Markle’s College Friends Stuck At Table With Sickly Habsburg Cousins

5/19/2018 - Backstreet Boys Release First Single Since 2013

5/19/2018 - Royal Wedding Photographer Feeling Pretty Guilty About Time He Ran Princess Di Off Road

5/19/2018 - Prince Harry Gets Old Suit Tailored To Wear To Wedding

5/18/2018 - Prince Harry Shows Guest To Air Mattress In Corner Of Windsor Castle

5/18/2018 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

5/18/2018 - Robinson Cano: ‘I Deeply Apologize For Using Performance Enhancers To Make This Boring Game More Awesome’

5/18/2018 - U.S. Military Defends Controversial Decision To Test Kilauea Volcano On Hawaiian Civilians

5/18/2018 - Wisconsin Man Eats 30,000th Big Mac, Breaking World Record

5/18/2018 - Sociologists Confirm Emergence Of Generation More Entitled, Self-Absorbed Than Any Seen Before

5/17/2018 - HBO Selects Cleveland Browns To Appear On New Season Of ‘Big Little Lies’

5/17/2018 - Mohawked Rex Tillerson Warns U.S. Democracy Threatened By Plutocratic Fascist Pigs Fucking Over The Working Man

5/17/2018 - Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone

5/17/2018 - Senate Intelligence Committee Confirms From Testimony That Donald Trump Jr. Has No Knowledge

5/17/2018 - George R.R. Martin Promises Fans ‘The Winds Of Winter’ Is Nearly Started

5/17/2018 - Kim Jong-Un Threatens To Pull Out Of Nuclear Summit

5/17/2018 - Throne For A Loop

5/17/2018 - Oprah Winfrey Breaks Record For Most Appearances On The Cover Of ‘O Magazine’

5/17/2018 - ‘The President Can Suck My Big Fat Dick,’ Says Rex Tillerson In Veiled Attack On Trump

5/17/2018 - The Russian Probe: Year One Of Robert Mueller Somehow Resisting The Urge To Gouge Out His Own Eyes

5/17/2018 - Everything You Need To Know About The Royal Wedding

5/17/2018 - Mother’s Day Card Thrown In Trash

5/17/2018 - Mother’s Day Card Finally Arrives

5/17/2018 - Furious Meghan Markle Can’t Believe Harry Hasn’t Told Family She’s Black Yet

5/17/2018 - Chocolate Spill Covers Highway In Poland

5/17/2018 - Oscar Meyer Introduces New Wiener Mobility Scooter

5/17/2018 - Houseguest Given Entire Rundown On Input 1, Input 2

5/16/2018 - Australian ‘Man With The Golden Arm’ Retires After Saving 2.4 Million Babies

5/16/2018 - Cash-Strapped MoviePass Limiting New Users To One Movie Filmed In CEO’s Backyard Per Month

5/16/2018 - NSA Scrambling To Reestablish Whereabouts Of Man Who Covered Laptop Camera With Tape

5/16/2018 - Supreme Court Votes 7-2 To Legalize All Worldly Vices

5/16/2018 - CafePress.com Announces Sweeping Privacy Changes After Improperly Sharing The T-Shirt Sizes Of Millions Of Americans

5/16/2018 - Bath & Body Works Now Offering Free Lotion Tastings

5/16/2018 - Sleeping Man Flanked By Laptop, Phone, Earbuds Like Egyptian Pharaoh Buried With All His Treasures

5/16/2018 - Spotify Removes R. Kelly From Promotions As Part Of Anti-Hate Policy

5/16/2018 - God Humbled To Be The Answer To ‘Jeopardy!’ Clue

5/15/2018 - Report: John Grisham Slowly But Surely Climbing List Of Greatest Living American Authors

5/15/2018 - Melania’s Staff Asks For Privacy From President While She Recuperates

5/15/2018 - Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Sports Betting

5/15/2018 - Venus Horrified After Finding Millions Of Nude Pictures Of Herself On Internet

5/15/2018 - IDF Soldier Recounts Harrowing, Heroic War Story Of Killing 8-Month-Old Child

5/15/2018 - Fist-Pumping Jared Kushner Leaves Jerusalem Embassy Refreshed And Ready To Solve Next Global Crisis

5/15/2018 - Netanyahu Announces Day Of Mourning For Fence Damaged In Yesterday’s Conflict

5/15/2018 - John Deere Unveils New Line Of Lawnmower Sidecars

5/15/2018 - Worst Man-Made Disasters In History

5/15/2018 - Pink Jersey Proves That Woman Is Sports Fan, Yet Also Retains A Certain Femininity

5/15/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 15, 2018

5/15/2018 - Jon Bon Jovi Jealous Of Former Classmate Who Made It Out Of Jersey

5/15/2018 - Riders Spend 2 Hours Trapped On Highest Part Of Roller Coaster

5/14/2018 - Trump Preemptively Tells Melania He Won't Give Her A Kidney

5/14/2018 - Israeli Soldiers Open Fire On Palestinians Carrying Potentially Dangerous Injured Friends

5/14/2018 - Frightened Rabbit Singer Scott Hutchison Dead At 36

5/14/2018 - 53-Inch Child Thrown From Roller Coaster Regrets Nothing

5/14/2018 - Trump Fascinated By Israeli Cultural Tradition Of Mass Slaughter Of Protesters

5/14/2018 - Man Surprised By How Often He Still Uses Bullying Skills He Learned In High School

5/14/2018 - Couple Just Wants Small Ceremony In Public Park With Close Friends And Shirtless Stranger Hanging Around Tree

5/14/2018 - Trump Announces North Korea Summit Will Be In Singapore

5/14/2018 - Mother's Day Card Mailed

5/14/2018 - Dalai Lama Announces Next Life To Be His Last Before Retirement

5/14/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 14, 2018

5/13/2018 - Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

5/13/2018 - Woman Mentally Rearranging Rankings Of Children While Opening Mother’s Day Gifts

5/13/2018 - Mother Given Gift Basket Of Soaps, Bubble Bath Hopefully Takes Hint That She Smells Like Shit

5/11/2018 - John Kelly Suspects Jared Kushner Of Being Illegal Immigrant After Observing He Has No Skills

5/11/2018 - Americans Get Ready For Mother’s Day

5/11/2018 - John Kelly Hoping Prejudiced Anti-Immigrant Comments Got Him Back On Trump's Good Side

5/11/2018 - Alcoholic Parent Easy To Shop For

5/11/2018 - Investigation Confirms NBC Management Had No Knowledge Of Misconduct In Matt Lauer’s Network-Sanctioned Sex Dungeon

5/11/2018 - AT&T CEO Regrets Hiring Cohen Instead Of Just Dropping A Ton Of Cash At Trump International Hotel Like Everyone Else

5/11/2018 - Director Of Census Bureau Calls For Updated Population Report After Realizing He Forgot To Count Himself

5/11/2018 - ‘I Look Forward To Ending My Life,’ Says Assisted Suicide Advocate Before Being Shot Out Of Cannon At Brick Wall

5/11/2018 - Roethlisberger Upset Steelers Didn't Ask For His Consent Before Drafting Quarterback

5/11/2018 - Area Man Really Banking On Unconditional Love Doing Most Of Heavy Lifting For Mother’s Day Bouquet

5/11/2018 - NASA Says Presence Of Diving Board On Mars Confirms Planet May Have Once Contained Water

5/11/2018 - Christiane Amanpour To Replace Charlie Rose On PBS

5/11/2018 - ‘ASS’ Finally Inducted Into Video Game Hall Of Fame

5/11/2018 - New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart

5/10/2018 - Ford Confirms Plant Fire Caused By Spooked F-150 Knocking Over Lantern

5/10/2018 - North Korean Prisoners Temporarily Put Into American Detention Camp To Help Ease Shock Of Return

5/10/2018 - Israel Offends Japanese Prime Minister By Serving Dessert In Shoe

5/10/2018 - Syrian Man Kept Up All Night By Neighbors Dying

5/10/2018 - Anxious Gina Haspel Gives Self Little Pep Interrogation In Bathroom Mirror

5/10/2018 - Netanyahu Begins Calling For Israeli Return To Ancient Homeland Of Iran

5/10/2018 - Study: Headaches Are The Body’s Way Of Communicating It Wants Pills

5/10/2018 - New Study Confirms Sharks Just Really Angry Dolphins

5/10/2018 - The Pros And Cons Of Civility In Politics

5/10/2018 - ‘Sometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,’ Says Man Who Accidentally Turned Shower Knob Wrong Way

5/10/2018 - Melania Trump Unveils ‘Be Best’ Childhood Initiative

5/10/2018 - Sperm Bank Manager Takes Wealthy Couple To Secret Back Freezer Where The Real Good Stuff Is Stored

5/9/2018 - Sarah Huckabee Sanders Flatly Rejects Jim Acosta's Assertion That He's Jim Acosta

5/9/2018 - Trump Withdraws From Iran Deal

5/9/2018 - How To Make Your Home More Energy-Efficient

5/9/2018 - Horrified Grimes Stumbles Upon Boyfriend’s $18 Billion Plan For All-New, Reinvented Grimes

5/9/2018 - Mark McGwire Claims He Would Have Hit 70 Home Runs Without Help Of Bat

5/9/2018 - Gina Haspel Nervously Rubs Lucky Prisoner's Foot During CIA Director Confirmation Hearing

5/9/2018 - 10-Year-Old First Responders Rush To Bike Crash Scene To Check Out Tyler’s Fucked-Up Leg

5/9/2018 - Mariners’ Staff Tired Of Ichiro Suzuki’s Long Warm-Up Routine Before Using Scanner

5/9/2018 - Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Cartilage Inserts For All-Day Knee Pain Relief

5/9/2018 - Scientists Successfully Create Artificial Placenta That Tastes Just As Delicious As Real One

5/9/2018 - Ken Jeong Uses Medical Training To Rescue Audience Member

5/8/2018 - Rockets’ Mop Guy Can Tell This Game Going To Be A Sweaty One

5/8/2018 - Iranian Scientist Annoyed He Has To Go Back To Shitty Old Job Building Nuclear Weapons

5/8/2018 - Diseases Spread By Ticks, Mosquitoes Tripled Since 2004

5/8/2018 - Met Janitors Hurrying To Remove Crucified Katy Perry From Museum Lobby 

5/8/2018 - Trump Lawyers Anxious 4,731st Shoe Will Drop

5/8/2018 - New York Attorney General Claims Assaults Were Just Him Role-Playing As Unaccountable Male Authority Figure

5/8/2018 - Excited Mike Pence Assures John McCain He Has His ‘Last Rites’ Kit Ready To Go Just In Case

5/8/2018 - Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation

5/8/2018 - Mothers Milk (It)

5/8/2018 - Fitbit Releases New Tracking Collar That Gets Tighter Every Second You Are Inactive

5/8/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 8, 2018

5/8/2018 - Sean Hannity Informs Building Tenants About Deep-State Conspiracy Forcing Him To Triple Rent

5/8/2018 - Grandma Getting To Point Where She Looks Like Every Other Grandma

5/8/2018 - Bill Gates Pledges $12 Million For Universal Flu Vaccine

5/8/2018 - Flu Vaccine Recalled Due To Defective Government Tracking Microchips

5/8/2018 - Construction Crew Arguing Over Who Gets To Use The Fun Tools

5/7/2018 - NRA Touts Oliver North’s Expertise At Avoiding Jail Time For Colluding With Hostile Foreign Powers

5/7/2018 - U.S. Customs Agents Finds Unconscious Tiger In Duffle Bag

5/7/2018 - Curiosity Rover Frantically Driving Around Mars To Make It Look Like It’s Been Busy Before New Spacecraft Arrives

5/7/2018 - Lindsey Graham Vows To Uphold John McCain’s Legacy By Blindly Supporting GOP Agenda After Grumbling For A Few Minutes

5/7/2018 - No One In Prison Sure How Jared Fogle Still Eating Subway Every Meal

5/7/2018 - Trump Boys Set Up ‘Don And Eric Law Place’ In White House Electrical Room To Help Dad With Legal Problems

5/7/2018 - Once-Adventurous Salmon Can’t Believe She Ended Up Moving Back To Birthplace, Having A Bunch Of Kids

5/7/2018 - Stunted 56-Year-Old Still Writing Chuck Palahniuk Novels

5/7/2018 - ‘Incredibles 2’ Forced To Take Out Grisly Cannibalism Scene In Order To Secure PG Rating

5/7/2018 - Democrats Lose Ground With Millennials

5/7/2018 - Derek Jeter Denies Tanking Allegations After Marlins Field 4 Players

5/7/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 7, 2018

5/4/2018 - Bloomberg Pledges $4.5 Million To Meet U.S. Commitment To Paris Accord

5/4/2018 - USPS Unveils New Line Of Commemorative Prince-Inspired Postal Workers

5/4/2018 - Mueller Poses As Fox News Host To Coax Rudy Giuliani Into Giving Him Testimony On Trump

5/4/2018 - Cobweb-Covered Skeleton Gripping Senate Desk Expected To Seek 15th Term

5/4/2018 - New Don Blankenship Campaign Ad Touts Jobs Created In Wake Of Upper Big Branch Mining Disaster

5/4/2018 - House Chaplain Delivers Soulful Prayer For God To Save Weak-Ass, Flip-Flopping Speakers Who Wound Up Looking Like Dipshits In Front Of Everyone

5/4/2018 - Report: It Unclear If Bar Patron Soccer Fan Or Just Waiting For Someone

5/4/2018 - Boardroom Begins To Quake As Black-Eyed CEO Announces Vision For Future Of Company

5/4/2018 - Amazon Fires Warehouse Worker Who Took Unauthorized Breath

5/4/2018 - Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Published

5/3/2018 - Mysterious Man In Parking Lot Threatens To Harm Rudy Giuliani If He Ever Blabs About Trump’s Legal Payments Again

5/3/2018 - Kroger Recalls 35,000 Pounds Of Ground Beef That May Contain CEO

5/3/2018 - Kanye West Says Slavery Was A Choice

5/3/2018 - Girls Scouts Announces They’ll Never Ever Let Gross Fucking Boys In

5/3/2018 - White Sox Promotion Puts First 9 Fans At Ballpark In Starting Lineup

5/3/2018 - ‘I Was The One Who Slept With Stormy Daniels,’ Says Sonny Perdue In Desperate Attempt To Serve As Trump’s Fall Guy

5/3/2018 - No Fucking Chance Kid Who Brought Mitt To 400 Level Getting Near Foul Ball

5/3/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Lowering The Voting Age

5/3/2018 - Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On Pants

5/3/2018 - Guitar Maker Gibson Files For Bankruptcy

5/2/2018 - Boy Scout Officials: ‘We Believe All Children, Regardless Of Gender, Deserve The Opportunity To One Day Die Alone In The Woods’

5/2/2018 - Cambridge Analytica Offers 75% Off All Facebook User Data For Blowout Closing Sale

5/2/2018 - Ty Cobb Returns To Old Private Practice In Enchanted Forest Toadstool

5/2/2018 - Kanye West: ‘I Would’ve Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got’

5/2/2018 - Facebook Announces Dating Service

5/2/2018 - Joe Maddon Saves Up All His Mound Visits For One Long Trip In 8th Inning

5/2/2018 - Tornado Creeped Out By Man Who Keeps Following It In Truck And Filming It

5/2/2018 - Facebook Addresses Accusations Of Silencing Conservative Voices By Deleting Barack Obama’s Profile

5/2/2018 - Saudi Prince Visits Injured Yemeni Child In Hospital To Finish The Job

5/2/2018 - Real Life Magic School Bus Flies Through Human Body

5/2/2018 - Increasingly Obsessed Robert Mueller Forces Wife To Dye Hair Blond, Dress Like Ivanka

5/2/2018 - 5 Things To Know About The Annual NRA Meeting

5/2/2018 - Driven To Greatness

5/2/2018 - New Historical Drama Just 90 Minutes Of Woman Holding Up Petticoats While Running Through Open Field

5/2/2018 - Gym Patron Just Resting For A Second Until Will To Live Returns

5/2/2018 - 3-Year-Old Pretending Stuffed Animals Having Big Fight About Accidental Pregnancy

5/2/2018 - Study Finds Human Bones Make Great Daggers

5/1/2018 - Trump Boys Ransack Mueller’s Office To Steal Answer Key To Questions For Their Dad

5/1/2018 - Netanyahu Provides Stunning New Evidence That Iranians Planned Sacking Of Babylon In 539 B.C.

5/1/2018 - North Korea Says it Will Denuclearize If U.S. Pledges Not To Invade

5/1/2018 - Report Suggests Stalin Was Just One Great Purge Away From Creating Communist Utopia

5/1/2018 - ‘We Can Have Differences Of Opinion And Still Respect Each Other,’ Says Betrayer Of The One True Cause

5/1/2018 - E. Coli Ready To Treat Itself To Some Beef After Weeks Of Nothing But Salad

5/1/2018 - Suction Cup-Wearing Robert Mueller Forced To Cower Behind White House Chandelier After Trump Returns Home Earlier Than Planned

5/1/2018 - Friend Dishonorably Discharged From Navigation Duties After Missing Exit

5/1/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 1, 2018

5/1/2018 - NY Gubernatorial Race: Andrew Cuomo vs. Cynthia Nixon

5/1/2018 - The Time Is Now To Clean Up This Soup I Just Spilled Everywhere

5/1/2018 - ‘GQ’ Calls The Bible Foolish And Not Worth Reading