10/31/2018 - Luke Walton Inspires Lakers With Story About Zero-Point, 2-Rebound Performance In Game 2 Of 2009 Finals

10/31/2018 - Paramedics Didn’t Realize How Hard It Would Be To Cut Drunk Woman Out Of Elmo Costume

10/31/2018 - Woman Sick Of Being Stuck In Back Half Of Velma Costume Entire Halloween Party

10/31/2018 - The Onion Looks Back At ‘Psycho’

10/31/2018 - Toddler Shits Her Way Through 3rd Halloween Costume Of Night

10/31/2018 - Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisle

10/31/2018 - Fortnite, Spider-Man Top 2018’s Most Popular Halloween Costumes

10/31/2018 - ‘Kanye Must Be Back On His Meds,’ Says Nation Technically Having Conversation About Mental Illness

10/31/2018 - The Onion Looks Back At ‘Rosemary’s Baby’

10/31/2018 - ‘It’s Just A Costume, It’s Just A Costume,’ Man Nervously Assures Himself As Giant Hot Dog Starts Walking Toward Him

10/31/2018 - ‘Take This Grape For It Is The Witch’s Eye, Take This Spaghetti For It Is The Witch’s Brain,’ Says Pope Francis During Halloween-Themed Communion

10/31/2018 - Man Exhausted After Having To Explain Halloween Costume For Umpteenth Time

10/31/2018 - Midterms 2018: Key House Races To Watch

10/31/2018 - Instagram Surpasses Snapchat As Most-Used App By U.S. Teens

10/30/2018 - Inmates Scrambling To Replace Whitey Bulger In Prison Production Of ‘Guys And Dolls’

10/30/2018 - God Confirms Whitey Bulger Sent To Hell For Snitching

10/30/2018 - The Onion Looks Back At ‘Saw’

10/30/2018 - Trump Turns On Fox News And Tells Aides To Make Whatever They’re Saying A Law

10/30/2018 - Haunted House Guests Escorted Into VIP Section Where They Can Touch The Performers

10/30/2018 - GLAAD: Number Of LGBTQ Series Regulars On TV At All-Time High

10/30/2018 - Trump Claims He Can Overrule Constitution With Executive Order Because Of Little-Known ‘No One Will Stop Me’ Loophole

10/30/2018 - Cryptic Long John Silver’s Campaign Just Says ‘You Are The Bait Now’

10/30/2018 - Voter Just Needs To Know Which Candidate Chops Wood In A Flannel Shirt

10/30/2018 - Revlon Unveils New Age-Defying Monster Makeup

10/30/2018 - New York Sues ExxonMobil For Misleading Investors On Climate Change

10/30/2018 - Biggest Issues In The 2018 Midterms

10/30/2018 - Report: Rash Not Going Away On Its Own

10/30/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 30, 2018

10/29/2018 - Megyn Kelly Out At NBC

10/29/2018 - The Onion Looks Back At ‘The Blair Witch Project’

10/29/2018 - CDC: One-Third Of Americans Eat Fast Food Every Day

10/29/2018 - Coleman Unveils New Slowly Leaking Air Mattress For House Guests Who Won’t Take A Hint

10/29/2018 - New Study Shows Majority Of Late Afternoon Sleepiness At Work Caused By Undetected Carbon Monoxide Leak

10/29/2018 - Trump Slams Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy For Not Doing More To Prevent Synagogue Shooting

10/29/2018 - Man Doesn’t Get Why People Waste Money On Therapist When They Could Just Emotionally Crush Girlfriend

10/29/2018 - MTA Unveils $28 Billion Plan To Renovate Subway Masturbators

10/29/2018 - ‘Fox & Friends’ Denounces Bombing Suspect As Overenthusiastic Fan Whose Heart Basically In Right Place

10/29/2018 - ‘It’s Like You’re Hearing Me But You’re Not Listening To Me,’ Says Man To Representative On Oscar Mayer Customer Service Hotline

10/29/2018 - Queen Elizabeth Hides Out In Bushes To Catch Whoever Keeps Stealing Packages From Buckingham Palace Porch

10/29/2018 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

10/29/2018 - Report: Average American Spends 25% Of Life Waiting In Line At Cell Phone Store

10/29/2018 - Parents Honor Beloved Dead Grandmother By Naming Baby ‘GamGam’

10/29/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 29, 2018

10/28/2018 - Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell

10/27/2018 - Slug Just Taking It Easy Today

10/26/2018 - ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Released

10/26/2018 - Trump Boys Smash Father’s Cell Phone To Search For Chinese Spies

10/26/2018 - CDC Introduces ‘Raw Dog’ The STI Pup To Educate Children About The Dangers Of Unprotected Sex

10/26/2018 - Saudis Tout Hundreds Of Yemeni Lives Saved By Spending So Much Time Focused On Killing Khashoggi

10/26/2018 - Fox News Now Just Airing Continuous Blood-Red Screen With Disembodied Voice Chanting ‘They’re Coming To Kill You’

10/26/2018 - Pros And Cons Of Genetic Testing For Ancestry

10/26/2018 - Report: Logan’s Mom Put Him On A Diet

10/26/2018 - ‘Kavanaugh Effect’ More Likely To Benefit Democrats Than Republicans

10/26/2018 - Will The Pacers Ever Be Able To Return To The Glory Of Their 2004 Brawl With Fans?

10/26/2018 - Buzz Aldrin Recalls How Easy It Was Getting To The Moon

10/26/2018 - The School Bus: Is It Coming For Our Kids?

10/25/2018 - Explosive Device Found In Mail Sent To Biden, Obama

10/25/2018 - Does Amari Cooper’s Experience Playing Under A Terrible Head Coach Make Him A Perfect Fit For The Cowboys?

10/25/2018 - Wildest Friend Called Up From Bench To Help Woman Get Over Breakup

10/25/2018 - Mohawked, Aviator-Wearing Robert De Niro Idles Cab Outside Suspected Bomb-Maker’s Home

10/25/2018 - Midterms Predicted To Have Largest Voter In Decades

10/25/2018 - 42% Of New Cancer Patients Lose Their Life Savings

10/25/2018 - Study Finds Effectiveness Of Medical Treatment Skyrockets When Doctor Acts Like Condescending Dick

10/25/2018 - Most Popular Halloween Costumes Of 2018

10/25/2018 - Romantic Prince Harry Surprises Meghan Markle With Family’s Heirloom Colony

10/25/2018 - Heart And Soulless

10/25/2018 - 14-Hour Labor Not Exactly Cakewalk For Baby Sticking Halfway Out Mother’s Vagina Either

10/25/2018 - Child Clinging To Daddy’s Leg Like It’s Helicopter Evacuating Saigon

10/24/2018 - Elon Musk To Open First High-Speed Test Tunnel On December 10

10/24/2018 - Man Just Knows Hillary Clinton Going To Have Opinion On Not Dying In Explosion

10/24/2018 - Poll Finds Americans Still Fiercely Divided Along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë Lines

10/24/2018 - Chuck Schumer Relieved He’s Never Taken Stance Meaningful Enough To Have Someone Mail Him Explosive

10/24/2018 - Report: Just 2 More Days And You Can Forget All Of This, Vanish Into ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’

10/24/2018 - Christie’s Auctions Off Stephen Hawking’s Wheelchair, Thesis Paper

10/24/2018 - Man On Bus Can Tell By Surroundings He Either Hasn’t Reached Stop Yet Or Passed Stop Long Time Ago

10/24/2018 - Midterms 2018: Gubernatorial Races To Watch

10/24/2018 - Melania Wishes Just Once She Could Look In Mirror Without Own Reflection Turning Away, Gust Of Wind Blowing Through Room, Doors Slamming Shut

10/24/2018 - Mega Millions Winner Announces Plans To Lose Touch With Who They Really Are, Become Lost In Soulless, Gilded Catacombs Of Sudden Unearned Wealth

10/24/2018 - Election-Crazed ‘New York Times’ Expands Poll Coverage To 18.5 Million More Races In 371 Additional States

10/24/2018 - Thrill-Seeker Microwaves Pot Pie Without Slitting Crust

10/23/2018 - Arctic Scientists Discover Perfectly Preserved Al Gore Frozen In Glacier

10/23/2018 - Video Footage Shows Khashoggi Body Double Exiting Consulate

10/23/2018 - Video Game Blacksmith Struggling To Compete With Random Chests Full Of Free Armor All Over Kingdom

10/23/2018 - Couple Starting To Feel Like They Just Don’t Have Any TV Shows In Common

10/23/2018 - Tips For Dating After #MeToo

10/23/2018 - Nation’s Fact-Checkers Confirm They’ll Probably Wrap Up Evaluating Trump’s Statements By 2050 At Latest

10/23/2018 - Man Does Incredibly Well At Slot Machine Demo Embedded In Ad

10/23/2018 - Report Finds More Than 2 Million U.S. Middle Schoolers And High Schoolers Have Vaped Marijuana

10/23/2018 - Uber Hires Marketing Firm To Help Decrease Brand Awareness

10/23/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 23, 2018

10/22/2018 - Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted Cruz

10/22/2018 - Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign Rally

10/22/2018 - Susan G. Komen President Achieves Total Breast Cancer Awareness During 3-Day Ayahuasca Retreat

10/22/2018 - Greenhouse Gas Emissions Declined 3% Under Trump

10/22/2018 - Saudi Operative Mortified After Surveillance Footage Reveals He Wore Same Outfit As Khashoggi

10/22/2018 - 104-Year-Old Reveals Secret To Long Life Being Cursed By Witch To Wander Earth Eternally

10/22/2018 - Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television

10/22/2018 - Voter Turnout Could Hit 50-Year High For Midterm Elections

10/22/2018 - Study Finds Placing One Foot Forward, Then The Other, Remains Best Method Of Walking

10/22/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 22, 2018

10/20/2018 - Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms

10/19/2018 - Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound

10/19/2018 - Skip Bayless Rips Shannon Sharpe’s Heart From Body During Debate On Cowboys O-Line

10/19/2018 - Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign

10/19/2018 - Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds

10/19/2018 - These Rival Gang Members Came Together To Help Build A Community Playground To Fight Over

10/19/2018 - FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine

10/19/2018 - Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder

10/19/2018 - Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family

10/19/2018 - Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court

10/19/2018 - KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That

10/19/2018 - ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation

10/19/2018 - Heaven Can't Wait

10/18/2018 - Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay

10/18/2018 - Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging

10/18/2018 - Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court

10/18/2018 - Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize

10/18/2018 - Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls

10/18/2018 - Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV

10/18/2018 - How To Charge Your Phone Faster

10/18/2018 - New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas

10/18/2018 - Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales

10/18/2018 - Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor

10/17/2018 - Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry

10/17/2018 - Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady

10/17/2018 - All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken

10/17/2018 - Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined

10/17/2018 - The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology

10/17/2018 - Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25

10/17/2018 - Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood

10/17/2018 - Kinky Girlfriend Wants To Try Sexual Pleasure Tonight

10/17/2018 - Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’

10/17/2018 - Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium

10/17/2018 - Sears Files For Bankruptcy

10/17/2018 - Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now

10/16/2018 - Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners

10/16/2018 - ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance

10/16/2018 - Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations

10/16/2018 - ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr

10/16/2018 - Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign

10/16/2018 - Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks

10/16/2018 - This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members

10/16/2018 - Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast

10/16/2018 - Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies

10/16/2018 - Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family

10/16/2018 - State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms

10/16/2018 - Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt

10/16/2018 - Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post

10/16/2018 - ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid

10/16/2018 - University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death

10/16/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018

10/15/2018 - Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material

10/15/2018 - Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent

10/15/2018 - Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years

10/15/2018 - Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options

10/15/2018 - Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight

10/15/2018 - Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War

10/15/2018 - Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica

10/15/2018 - Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last

10/15/2018 - Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty

10/15/2018 - Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend

10/15/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018

10/15/2018 - All Hallow's Grieve

10/13/2018 - Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed

10/12/2018 - Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour

10/12/2018 - Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot

10/12/2018 - Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie

10/12/2018 - Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation

10/12/2018 - This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage

10/12/2018 - Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium

10/12/2018 - Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians

10/12/2018 - Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted

10/12/2018 - Should LeBron James Leave ‘Space Jam 2’ For A Movie With A Better Chance Of Winning An Oscar?

10/12/2018 - Report: Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters

10/12/2018 - Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes

10/11/2018 - Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael

10/11/2018 - Tips For Relieving Back Pain

10/11/2018 - Rick Scott Orders Hurricane Michael To Evacuate From Florida

10/11/2018 - ‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns

10/11/2018 - Hurricane Michael Makes Landfall In Most Dangerous Storm In Florida Panhandle History

10/11/2018 - Salamanders Bravely Offer To Go Extinct In Place Of Better Animal

10/11/2018 - Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago

10/11/2018 - Is This Year's Giants Team An Al-Qaeda Plot Designed To Hurt New Yorkers Again?

10/11/2018 - Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull

10/11/2018 - Report: Students Who Take Latin Have Better Chance Of Summoning Demon Later In Life

10/11/2018 - Kim Jong-Un Wants Pope To Visit North Korea

10/11/2018 - Obese Man Has Amazing Calves

10/11/2018 - ‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection

10/10/2018 - 5 Things To Know About Rachel Maddow

10/10/2018 - Nikki Haley Resigns As Trump’s U.N. Ambassador

10/10/2018 - U.S. Citizens: ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’

10/10/2018 - NFL Urges Pass Rushers To Try Reaching Peaceful Resolution With Quarterbacks Before Resorting To Tackling

10/10/2018 - U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020

10/10/2018 - Febreze Releases New Air Horn For Covering Up Unpleasant Bathroom Sounds

10/10/2018 - Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Landlord

10/10/2018 - ExxonMobil CEO Depressed After Realizing Earth Could End Before They Finish Extracting All The Oil

10/10/2018 - Taylor Swift Breaks Silence On Politics To Support Democrats

10/10/2018 - ‘Can Anyone Hear Me?’ Shout Terrified Climate Scientists Frantically Waving Arms As Passersby Walk Straight Through Them

10/9/2018 - U.N. Reports Says Humanity Has 12 Years To Avert Climate-Related Catastrophe

10/9/2018 - Banksy Hospitalized With Third-Degree Burns After Attempting To Cash Self-Destructing Check

10/9/2018 - New Polls Increase Fears That Midterm Elections Will Be Won By Wave Of Politicians

10/9/2018 - Nikki Haley Resigns To Accept Consulting Role With Afghan Warlord

10/9/2018 - Taylor Swift Inspires 200 Million Fans To Register To Vote In Tennessee

10/9/2018 - Report: Most Americans’ Retirement Plans Consist Of Hoping Their Random Junk Turns Out To Be Collector’s Item Worth Millions

10/9/2018 - Study: Nearly Half Of Anti-‘The Last Jedi’ Tweets Were Bots

10/9/2018 - Zangief Blasted For Disrespectful Celebration After Fight In Spain

10/9/2018 - Excited Patient Points Out Organ He Wants From Kidney Tank In Hospital Lobby

10/9/2018 - Sometimes, In My Lowest Moments, I Feel Like No One Would Even Care If I Dyed My Hair

10/9/2018 - Simple Joy Of Childhood Stolen From Toddler Who Was Just Told He Can’t Touch Own Genitals At Dinner Table

10/9/2018 - Strange, Nightmarish Incident Results In Man Waking Up As Giant Kafka

10/9/2018 - Report: There Never Been A Better Time To Buy Than Right Now

10/9/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 9, 2018

10/8/2018 - Climate Scientists Confirm There’s Still Time To Blow Up The Earth

10/8/2018 - Saudis Insist Missing Journalist Was Already Dismembered Before He Left Consulate

10/8/2018 - Sexual Harassment May Have Lasting Health Effects On Women

10/8/2018 - Senior Citizen Apparently Here To Fix Apartment Sink

10/8/2018 - Middlebury Vermont Town Council Continues 242-Year Tradition Of American Democracy With 4-1 Vote To Rezone Lot For New Popeyes

10/8/2018 - Senate Confirms Brett Kavanaugh To Supreme Court

10/8/2018 - Columbus Day Protests Once Again Erupt As Nation Struggles With Its Dark, Anti-Italian Past

10/8/2018 - Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence To Throw Support Behind Restoring Shōgun To Throne Of Japan

10/8/2018 - Therapists Recommend Treating People Like Shit If You’re Having A Bad Day

10/8/2018 - ‘Squi’ Rockets To Most Popular Baby Name Of 2018

10/8/2018 - Magpie Worried Mate Only Interested In Him For Collection Of Shiny Objects

10/8/2018 - Pope Francis Renounces Papacy After Falling In Love With Beautiful American Divorcee

10/8/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 8, 2018

10/6/2018 - Pussy-Hat-Wearing Jeff Flake Spotted Protesting Outside Senate Ahead Of Voting Yes For Kavanaugh

10/5/2018 - Atlanta Plans Change To Names Of Streets Honoring Confederacy

10/5/2018 - Woman In Waiting Area Feels Twinge Of Betrayal While Watching Her Hairdresser Making Small Talk With Another

10/5/2018 - U.N. Court Orders U.S. To Ease Sanctions Against Iran

10/5/2018 - Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago

10/5/2018 - Kavanaugh Blasted For Destroying Reputation Of Good Man

10/5/2018 - Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller

10/5/2018 - Should The Houston Texans Change Their Crude, Offensive Nickname?

10/5/2018 - Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A Forgery

10/5/2018 - This Is Angela, She’ll Be Training With Us For This Issue

10/5/2018 - Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’

10/5/2018 - High School Kicker Finds It Helpful To Imagine Football As Object That Needs To Be Kicked Through Goal Posts In Order To Gain Points

10/4/2018 - Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award

10/4/2018 - Trump Received At Least $413 Million From His Father

10/4/2018 - Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report

10/4/2018 - Top Candidates For The 2018 Nobel Peace Prize

10/4/2018 - Let’s Avoid The Brett Favre Comparisons Until Patrick Mahomes Can Consistently Send Dick Pics To Reporters

10/4/2018 - World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through Gymnasium

10/4/2018 - Tour Guide One Stop Behind Clearly Giving More Interesting Tour

10/4/2018 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Venom’

10/4/2018 - Trump To Press: ‘I Consider You Part Of The Democratic Party’

10/4/2018 - Iowa Aims To Keep Young People From Moving Out Of State With New ‘The Stress Will Kill Your Mother’ Retention Campaign

10/4/2018 - Jared Kushner Spends Fourth Consecutive Day Silently Ensnared In Decorative White House Spider Webs

10/4/2018 - Pence Spends 621st Straight Sinful Day Coveting His Neighbor’s Job

10/3/2018 - Amazon Raises Minimum Wage For Workers To $15

10/3/2018 - Clinton Laughs Off Idea She Politically Savvy Enough To Launch Revenge Campaign On Kavanaugh

10/3/2018 - Trump Mocks Christine Blasey Ford For Forgetting Basic Facts About A Woman’s Place

10/3/2018 - Ted Cruz Heckled Out Of D.C. Restaurant

10/3/2018 - Bill Gates Offering $1 Million To Anyone Who Can Design Condom He Can’t Break

10/3/2018 - FBI Agent Still Tasked With Following Noam Chomsky Around Prepares For Another Day In Local Panera

10/3/2018 - Single Woman Would Love To Hear Them Call Her Lonely Now That She Has Basil Plant

10/3/2018 - Newly Discovered DNA Evidence Suggests Children Could Be Closely Related To Humans

10/3/2018 - Ted Cruz Vs. Beto O’Rourke

10/3/2018 - God Admits There Was Probably A Better Way Of Giving Humans Taste Of Heavenly Bliss Than Opioids

10/3/2018 - Heavenly Body

10/2/2018 - Lions, Zebras, Giraffes Run Off Cliff Shrieking En Masse As Shadow Of Melania Trump’s Jet Passes Over Savanna

10/2/2018 - How To Avoid Targeted Ads

10/2/2018 - U.S. And Canada Reach Deal To Replace NAFTA

10/2/2018 - Kavanaugh Starting To Get Worried About Not Hearing Back After Job Interview

10/2/2018 - White House Corrects Transcript To Add Few More Insults About Female Reporter

10/2/2018 - Paper Towels On Amazon Surge To $2,000 A Roll After Crippling Cost Increase Of Paying Workers A Living Wage

10/2/2018 - Cure For Cancer Only 10 Years Away, Announce Scientists Who Work Better Under A Deadline

10/2/2018 - Area Man Always Carbo-Loading Just In Case

10/2/2018 - Coca-Cola May Move Into Marijuana Products

10/2/2018 - Nation’s Little Piggies Demand A Sweet Treat

10/2/2018 - Homeland Security Director Releases List Of Terrorists Who Don’t Have The Balls To Attack U.S.

10/2/2018 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 2, 2018

10/2/2018 - Chuck Grassley Scratches ‘Christine Blasey’s A Slut’ Into Senate Bathroom Stall

10/1/2018 - Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Tesla Chairman

10/1/2018 - Nation Urged To Be Extra Sensitive To Men Reliving Trauma Of Not Getting Something

10/1/2018 - Annoyed Movers Weren’t Expecting Client To Have Belongings

10/1/2018 - White House Insists It Won’t Dictate The Manner In Which Kavanaugh Exonerated

10/1/2018 - Newly Sober Kavanaugh Introduces Sponsor Who Says He Needs Supreme Court Seat As Part Of Recovery

10/1/2018 - Kanye West Announces His New Name Is Tim

10/1/2018 - Chris Pine Depressed By Realization He Could Probably Win Governorship Somewhere

10/1/2018 - Ruth Bader Ginsburg Voices Support For #MeToo

10/1/2018 - Man Has Absolutely No Clue How Old Anyone He Knows Is

10/1/2018 - Casual Christian Accepts Christ As His Lord But Not His Savior

10/1/2018 - Bhutanese Man Can’t Believe Pharmacy Already Stocking Stuff For Lhabab Duchen

10/1/2018 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 1, 2018