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2019 December
12/30/2019 - The 10 Greatest Games Of The Past Decade
12/27/2019 - Best Podcasts Of The Decade
12/26/2019 - Best Albums Of The Decade
12/26/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2018
12/25/2019 - Trent Reznor Ruins 31st Consecutive Holiday Season By Talking About How Christianity A Bunch Of Bullshit
12/24/2019 - Best TV Shows Of The Decade
12/24/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2017
12/24/2019 - Devastated Family Struggling To Get Through First Christmas Since Dad Returned
12/23/2019 - Best Movies Of The Decade
12/23/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2016
12/22/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2015
12/21/2019 - Our Annual Year 2019
12/21/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2014
12/20/2019 - Report: Make It Stop
12/20/2019 - Tips For Displaying Artwork In Your Home
12/20/2019 - Prominent Evangelical Magazine Calls For Removing Trump From Holy Trinity
12/20/2019 - Americans Tune In Reduced-Field Democratic Debate
12/20/2019 - Caroler Who Forgot Lyrics Getting Pretty Far Just Saying ‘Bell’ Every Few Seconds
12/20/2019 - Saint Nicked
12/20/2019 - Antsy, Jonesing Nation Demands New Grinch Content
12/20/2019 - Worker’s Sole Impact On Company Permanent Ban On Alcohol At Holiday Party
12/20/2019 - Deal Alert: Got A Nintendo Switch And Amazon Prime? Well, Look At You, Mr. Moneybags
12/20/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2013
12/19/2019 - DNC Bows To Pressure By Adding Andrew Cuomo To Increase Ethnic Representation On Debate Stage
12/19/2019 - DNC Eases Debate Requirements To 0.1% Above Whatever Cory Booker Polling
12/19/2019 - Sad ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Fan Can’t Believe There Never Going To Be Another ‘Star Wars’ Movie
12/19/2019 - Chinese Government Justifies Mass Surveillance By Explaining That All Of Life A Grand Performance
12/19/2019 - Fans Line Up For ‘Rise of the Skywalker’
12/19/2019 - Trump Claims He Knows John Dingell Is In Hell Because He Sees Window Into Terrifying Inferno Every Time He Closes His Eyes
12/19/2019 - CG Supervisor For ‘Cats’ Thought He Actually Did An Okay Job
12/19/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’
12/19/2019 - Man Still Can’t Believe He’s Not A Virgin
12/19/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2012
12/19/2019 - Body-Positive Male Ally Worried Girlfriend Has Been Packing On The Beauty Lately
12/19/2019 - All The Substitute Teachers We Absolutely Wrecked In 2019
12/19/2019 - Middling ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Review Leaves Fan On Fence About Whether To Threaten To Kill Critic
12/19/2019 - Dogs And Cats Who Were Certain You’d Be The One To Adopt Them In 2019
12/19/2019 - Our Most Blatant Attempts To Shoehorn An Anecdote About The Monterey Bay Aquarium Into An Unrelated Conversation In 2019
12/19/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Entertainment
12/19/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network
12/19/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Sports
12/18/2019 - President Impeached
12/18/2019 - GOP Turns Dozens Of House Democrats Away From Impeachment For Failing To Provide Adequate Voter ID
12/18/2019 - Congressman Could’ve Sworn Last Impeachment Was Catered
12/18/2019 - Barack Obama: Women Are Better Leaders Than Men
12/18/2019 - Poll Finds 54% Of Americans Approve Executing Trump But Leaving Him In Office
12/18/2019 - Adam Driver Storms Out Of Grand Canyon National Park After It Rudely Echoes His Voice Back To Him
12/18/2019 - Recycling: Myth Vs. Fact
12/18/2019 - Mormon Church Accused Of Hoarding Billions In Afterlife Tax Haven
12/18/2019 - Trump Calls Democrats ‘Deranged’ In 6-Page Letter To Pelosi
12/18/2019 - Insurance Company Annoyed Customer Doesn’t Realize They Were Just Being Polite When They Said They’d Cover Healthcare Bills
12/18/2019 - Miracle Dumbbell Found In Proper Place On Rack
12/18/2019 - Study Finds Comparing Yourself To Others Actually Pretty Good Way To Gauge Success
12/18/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2011
12/18/2019 - ‘United 93’ Director Announces Remastered Edition Digitally Removing WTC From Film
12/17/2019 - Chance The Rapper Cancels 2020 Tour
12/17/2019 - Area Man Has Little Present For You
12/17/2019 - Boeing Rebrands 737 Max With Flame Decals To Attract Risk-Taking Badasses With A Death Wish
12/17/2019 - Congress Reaches $1.4 Trillion Spending Deal To Award Entire Budget To One Lucky American
12/17/2019 - Congress To Ban Sales Of Tobacco To Anyone Under Age Of 21
12/17/2019 - Conciliatory Follow-Up Text Sent To Mom Just So ‘Don’t Open My Mail’ Aren’t Last Words Ever Said To Her
12/17/2019 - Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2010
12/17/2019 - All Of Area Man’s Positive Qualities Stolen From Past Friends
12/17/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Cats’
12/17/2019 - Luddite In 2070 Refuses To Merge Consciousness With Self-Driving Hyundai Elantra
12/17/2019 - Writers Retreat Gives Aspiring Novelists Opportunity To Receive Critical Feedback From Other Nobodies
12/17/2019 - A Life Unfinished: Stephen Hawking’s Estate Just Revealed The Genius Astrophysicist Died With Only 91% Completion For ‘The Witcher 3’
12/17/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 17, 2019
12/16/2019 - 2020 Frontrunners Back Call To Ease Debate Rules
12/16/2019 - Clint Eastwood Propositions Film Critic To Obtain More Positive Review Of ‘Richard Jewell’
12/16/2019 - Dalai Lama Announces Before Reincarnating His Spirit Will Probably Fly To Moon And Hang Out For A Bit
12/16/2019 - ‘And Then Those 12 People Send It To 12 People—That’s 144 People!” Says Cory Booker Describing Campaign Newsletter Strategy To Rosario Dawson
12/16/2019 - Harvey Weinstein Laments Being Treated Like He Didn’t Put Whole #MeToo Movement On The Map
12/16/2019 - U.N. Climate Talks End In Whimper
12/16/2019 - God To Leave Humanity In Hands Of Babysitter Kayla While He Checks Out New Restaurant
12/16/2019 - Everything You Need To Know About ‘Resident Evil 3’
12/16/2019 - Drew Brees Hoping Family Doesn’t Just Get Him Football For Christmas Again
12/16/2019 - Lucky Teen Lands Job In Fashion Industry
12/16/2019 - Pathetic Man Cries When He’s Upset Rather Than Screaming At 3-Year-Old Son To Shut The Fuck Up
12/16/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 16, 2019
12/14/2019 - Senate Recognizes Armenian Genocide
12/13/2019 - The Onion Looks Back On 62 Years Of Taylor Swift
12/13/2019 - Cubs Sign Sammy Sosa To $300 Million Deal Just To Give Casual Fans Point Of Reference
12/13/2019 - Report: People Talk, You Know?
12/13/2019 - Boris Johnson Prevails In Landslide U.K. Victory
12/13/2019 - Woman Not As Fun-Loving And Carefree As Pom-Pom On Winter Hat Would Suggest
12/13/2019 - Patriots Claim Unsanctioned Recording Was Only For Project Julian Edelman Working On For Filmmaking Class
12/13/2019 - Hungover Coworker A Little Too Functional Morning After Holiday Party Not To Be Alcoholic
12/13/2019 - Microsoft Unveils New 40-Story-Tall Brutalist Xbox Series X
12/13/2019 - Tokyo Drivers Gridlocked As 12-Legged Catbus Overturns On Highway
12/13/2019 - 20 Last-Minute Christmas Guests
12/13/2019 - Israel Heads To Third Election
12/12/2019 - ‘Well Spoken, My Good Fellow, But Let Me Retort,’ Says Congressman Engaged In Probing, High-Minded Debate On Facts And Merits Of Impeachment
12/12/2019 - Gordon Hayward Confident He Still Has His Most Gruesome Injuries Ahead Of Him
12/12/2019 - Las Vegas Residents Worried That Proposed Construction Of New Casino In Town Will Bring In Riff-Raff
12/12/2019 - Poll: Trump Leads Top 2020 Democrats In Iowa
12/12/2019 - Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President
12/12/2019 - Hiker Trapped For Days Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail
12/12/2019 - Man Relaxing His Overwhelming Anxiety For Just A Moment Finally Gives Pack Of Coyotes The Opening They Need
12/12/2019 - 10 Best Places To Raise A Family
12/12/2019 - New ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet
12/12/2019 - NYC Buildings To Require Bird-Friendly Glass
12/12/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Jumanji: The Next Level’
12/12/2019 - Graco Recalls 75,000 Infant Car Ejection Seats
12/12/2019 - Sad: The Elderly Dutch Man Who Inspired The ‘X’ Button On The PlayStation Controller Has Passed Away
12/11/2019 - Nation Finally Stands Far Enough Away From Jackson Pollock Painting To Realize It Realistic Still Life Of Fruit
12/11/2019 - Merriam-Webster Names ‘They’ Word Of The Year
12/11/2019 - Company’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 Months
12/11/2019 - Democrats Unveil Articles Of Impeachment
12/11/2019 - Critics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers
12/11/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Social Media Banning Political Ads
12/11/2019 - God Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel Fresco
12/11/2019 - Biggest Revelations Of The Inspector General’s Report On The Russia Investigation
12/11/2019 - Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’
12/11/2019 - Gamers Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Been Born
12/11/2019 - Shoe From Goodwill Still Has Foot In It
12/10/2019 - American Public Misled For Years About War In Afghanistan
12/10/2019 - Fans Celebrate Vanna White’s First Show As Guest Wheel
12/10/2019 - IG Report Finds Errors But No Anti-Trump Plot In Russia Investigation
12/10/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Uncut Gems’
12/10/2019 - “Stocking” Up
12/10/2019 - 8 Most Popular College Majors
12/10/2019 - National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’
12/10/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2019
12/9/2019 - Russian Olympic Program Denies Steroids Played Role In 8-Year-Old Gymnast Hurling Balance Beam Through Wall To Escape
12/9/2019 - Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty
12/9/2019 - Massive Pro-Democracy Protest Rocks Hong Kong
12/9/2019 - Trump Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry Experience
12/9/2019 - So-Called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Looks Nothing Like Him
12/9/2019 - Best PS4 Games Out Right Now
12/9/2019 - Antiques Shop Owner Only Thousands Of Sales Away From Avoiding Bankruptcy
12/9/2019 - Learned Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed
12/9/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2019
12/7/2019 - House Passes Bill To Limit Robocalls
12/6/2019 - Pete Buttigieg Blames Inability To Disclose Political Stances On NDA With Buttigieg Campaign
12/6/2019 - Nearly 700,000 To Lose Food Stamps With USDA Work Requirement
12/6/2019 - World Wildlife Fund Apologizes After Years Of Working With Well-Known Whale Pedophile
12/6/2019 - 10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make
12/6/2019 - Cabal Of Handsome Male Celebrities Agrees To Continue Withholding Baldness Cure From Public And Jude Law
12/6/2019 - Trump Orders National Christmas Tree Be Cut To One Inch Shorter Than He Is
12/6/2019 - Pelosi Says House Will Proceed With Articles Of Impeachment
12/6/2019 - Sight Of His Beautiful Bride Walking Down Aisle Fills Man With Overwhelming Happyish Feeling
12/6/2019 - Get Her Coming Back For More: Perfecting Your Post-Sex Handshake
12/6/2019 - Man Doesn’t Want To Put Too Much Effort Into Fixing Up House He Just Going To Burn Down For Insurance Fraud One Day
12/6/2019 - Timeline Of Andrew Johnson’s Impeachment
12/5/2019 - Matt Gaetz Solemnly Raises Pistol To Head After Realizing He Used Barron Trump’s Name While Scolding Witness For Using Barron Trump’s Name
12/5/2019 - Jimmy Carter Released From Hospital
12/5/2019 - Sonny Perdue Argues Food Stamp Cuts Will Incentivize People To Get Exploitative Jobs That Won’t Exist In 5 Years
12/5/2019 - Mother Confident That Adult Son’s Cycle Of Emotional Terrorism Will Calm Down Once He Finds The Right Girl
12/5/2019 - Boris Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote
12/5/2019 - Kamala Harris Leaves 2020 Race
12/5/2019 - Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too
12/5/2019 - Researchers Release Teeny Little Minotaur Into Maze To Test Mice’s Capacity To Use Enchanted String
12/5/2019 - Parents Sign Up Mitch Trubisky For Rec Soccer Team In Hopes He’ll Develop Interest In Sports
12/5/2019 - Hopes Rise For HIV Vaccine By 2021
12/5/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Playmobil: The Movie’
12/5/2019 - Woman Tries Reading Shampoo Bottle Directions In French First To Test If She’s Secretly Smart
12/4/2019 - Report: Would’ve Been Nice If Dad Had Loved Original Family This Much
12/4/2019 - Impeachment Report: Trump Solicited Foreign Interference
12/4/2019 - Mom Scolds Child For Pointing At Homeless Man Instead Of Ignoring His Very Existence
12/4/2019 - Jilted Trump Announces Formation Of Cooler, Way More Powerful NATO With His New Best Friends Oman, Macedonia, And Suriname
12/4/2019 - Hands-Off Fantasy Football Player Only Checks Team 132 Times Each Sunday
12/4/2019 - Loved Ones Located All The Way On Other Side Of Heaven
12/4/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Talking Politics At Work
12/3/2019 - One-Eyed Man Who Kamala Harris Locked Up 25 Years Ago Quietly Removes Tulsi Gabbard Mask
12/3/2019 - Kamala Harris Supporter Insists Her Inspiring Message Of Something Or Other Will Always Live On
12/3/2019 - British Royal Family Condemns Media’s Ugly Attacks On Their Traditional Practice Of Sexual Abuse
12/3/2019 - Michael Bloomberg Treats Self To Second, Flashier Presidential Campaign
12/3/2019 - Antonio Brown Proves He’s Changed Man By Breaking Into Robert Kraft’s House In Middle Of Night To Apologize
12/3/2019 - U.N. Chief Says Planet Faces Point Of No Return As Climate Summit Begins
12/3/2019 - Man’s Life Spent Occasionally Eating Barbecue In Between Doing Things He Hates
12/3/2019 - Tips For Moving Out Of The Country
12/3/2019 - Washboard Player In Jug Band Tired Of Spoons Guy Getting All The Chicks
12/3/2019 - Remember ‘Command And Conquer’? No? Okay Then
12/3/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2019
12/3/2019 - ‘
Team Umizoomi
Actually Kind Of Interesting,’ Reports Stay-At-Home Dad On Verge Of Full Psychotic Breakdown
12/2/2019 - Iranian Regime Attacks Activists Trying To Come Up With Protester Body Count For Being Complete Dorks Obsessed With Numbers
12/2/2019 - Horrifying Series Of Unspeakable Actions Result In $39 Crock-Pot Being Delivered To Man Same Day
12/2/2019 - Leonardo Dicaprio Refutes False Claim He Funded Amazon Wildfires
12/2/2019 - Nation Returns To Regular Workweek A Little More Kind, A Little More Thoughtful, A Little More Thankful
12/2/2019 - Nation Calls For Letting Biden Rub Women’s Shoulders Again After Seeing What He’ll Do Instead
12/2/2019 - Pete Buttigieg Admits Only Recently Realizing Black People Can Vote
12/2/2019 - Deal Alert: Guy With Nice Suit Probably Carrying Enough On Him Right Now To Buy ‘Death Stranding’ PS4 Pro Bundle If You Stick Him Up
12/2/2019 - Mom Changes Words Of Prayer To Be More Cheerful
12/2/2019 - Winter Storms Threaten Americans Traveling Back From Thanksgiving
12/2/2019 - All Of Woman’s Problems Stem From Never Having Visited Europe
12/1/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of November