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2019 February
2/28/2019 - Chicago Will Elect First Black Woman Mayor
2/28/2019 - Virginia Governor Calls On State To Move Past Racist Legacy Of Last Few Weeks
2/28/2019 - 25-Year-Old Man No Longer Impressed By Mewtwo
2/28/2019 - Kim Jong-Un Panics After Returning To North Korea To Find Country’s Populace Has Escaped
2/28/2019 - Offended Mark Meadows Reminds Colleagues He Never Once Complained About Capitol’s Integrated Drinking Fountains
2/28/2019 - Jim Jordan Spends Hearing Demanding Michael Cohen Accept Blame For Covering Up Sexual Abuse Of Ohio State Wrestlers
2/28/2019 - Engineers Still Unable To Produce Styrofoam Cup Without Little Center Nub Sticking Out From Bottom
2/28/2019 - House Votes Against Trump’s National Emergency On Grounds That Only Congress Allowed To Misappropriate Funds
2/28/2019 - Doctor Asks Patient If He Would Mind Having Medical Student, Some Of His Poker Buddies In Room For Exam
2/28/2019 - ‘Breaking Bad’ Movie In The Works
2/28/2019 - Mueller Gives Up Trying To Get Report Published After Receiving 19th Literary Agent Rejection
2/28/2019 - Victoria’s Secret Releases Sexy Black Lace Sleep Apnea Mask
2/27/2019 - Poor Attendance At Intervention A Real Wake-Up Call
2/27/2019 - Trump, Kim Meet In Hanoi Summit
2/27/2019 - Matt Gaetz Insists Pointing Rifle At Michael Cohen Throughout Testimony Not Witness Intimidation
2/27/2019 - Teen’s Natural Drive To Murder Sexual Rivals Successfully Channeled Into ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Victory
2/27/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Congestion Pricing
2/27/2019 - Cervical Cancer Could Be Eliminated In Most Countries By 2100
2/27/2019 - Pope Francis Working Out At Vatican Gym Wearing ‘Sex Abuse Summit 2019’ T-Shirt
2/26/2019 - Bernie Sanders Pledges To Release Ten Years Of Tax Returns
2/26/2019 - Trump Solemnly Lays Wreath At Site Where He Would Have Died During Vietnam War If He Weren’t Rich
2/26/2019 - How To Reduce Casual Racism
2/26/2019 - Man Starting To Think Only Reason People Hanging Out With Him Because They All On Same Jury
2/26/2019 - Pat Patriot Denies Being Mascot #5 In Prostitution Sting Police Report
2/26/2019 - Catholic Church Brings In New Perspective On Solving Abuse Scandal With Appointment Of Toddler Bishop
2/26/2019 - White House Convenes Panel Of Scientists To Make Case That Trump Capable Of Crushing Train With Bare Hands
2/26/2019 - Man Worried He Stuck In Endless Cycle Of Drinking, Partying, And Having Good Time
2/26/2019 - Brexit Could Be Delayed Until 2021
2/26/2019 - Mom Decides Enough Time Has Passed To Lose Touch With Paramedic Who Saved Son’s Life
2/26/2019 - Ebony And Irony
2/26/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 26, 2019
2/25/2019 - ‘Green Book’ Wins Best Picture Oscar
2/25/2019 - Mike Pence Criticizes Venezuela’s Use Of Torture, Starvation On Non-Homosexual Citizens
2/25/2019 - Netanyahu Defends New Alliance With Israel’s Far-Right Aryan Supremacy Party
2/25/2019 - U.S. Aid To Venezuela Just Lit Stick Of Dynamite Painted To Look Like Carrot
2/25/2019 - MLB Players Association Advises Remaining Free Agents To Try Adding Keywords Like ‘Baseball’ To Resumés
2/25/2019 - Nation Still Outraged 1933 Best Picture Went To ‘Cavalcade’ Instead Of ‘Lady For A Day’
2/25/2019 - So-Called ‘Atheist’ Doesn’t Even Barge Into Churches Screaming ‘You’re All Brainwashed Fools’
2/25/2019 - FDA Warns Of Using Young People’s Blood To Prevent Aging
2/25/2019 - Area Man Probably Pervert
2/25/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 25, 2019
2/24/2019 - ABC Camera Immediately Cuts Away After Showing Harvey Weinstein Sitting At Oscars
2/24/2019 - Sound Designer Hits Celery With Hammer In Performance Of Oscars Best Sound Mixing
2/24/2019 - Oscars Gift Bag Includes 3 iPads Streaming Telecast In Attempt To Shore Up Viewership Numbers
2/24/2019 - ‘You Know, I Directed It Too,’ Bradley Cooper Says Out Loud Again To No One In Particular
2/24/2019 - Sweating, Exhausted Christian Bale Stumbles Past 13-Mile Marker On Oscars Red Carpet
2/24/2019 - Jason Momoa Clearly Came To Oscars Straight From Work
2/24/2019 - Most Memorable Oscars Speeches Of All Time
2/23/2019 - Pope Francis Holds Sex Abuse Summit
2/22/2019 - ‘T. Rex May Be Smaller Than Previously Thought,’ Report 50-Foot-Tall Researchers
2/22/2019 - PlayStation CEO Predicts ‘Post-Console’ World
2/22/2019 - Chicago Police Credit Their Extensive Experience Falsifying Evidence For Helping Solve Smollett Case
2/22/2019 - Teen On Verge Of Either Joining ISIS Or Getting Super Into Rollerblading
2/22/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Bernie Sanders
2/22/2019 - Trump Demands William Barr Prove Loyalty By Putting Gun In Mouth, Pulling Trigger
2/22/2019 - Leaked George Lucas Sex Tape Includes Digitally Inserted Footage Of Jabba The Hutt
2/22/2019 - Stock Market Soars After Investors Decide That Would Be Fun Thing To Make Happen Today
2/22/2019 - Diamondbacks Settle Long-Standing Civil Suit With Offspring Of Bird Hit By Randy Johnson’s Fastball
2/22/2019 - Mueller Probe May End Next Week
2/22/2019 - Spanx Introduces New Line Of Smoke Bombs For Concealing Unwanted Bumps And Bulges
2/21/2019 - Nike Fires 8-Year-Old Shoemaker Responsible For Zion Williamson Injury
2/21/2019 - Jussie Smollett Arrives In Court Wearing Full-Body Cast
2/21/2019 - Unclear Why Stagehand Wrote Heartfelt Little Notes To Everyone In Cast
2/21/2019 - Sweating CornNuts VP Stammers Way Through Pitch For ‘Nutsarito’ At Taco Bell
2/21/2019 - Pope Francis Offers Molested Kids 10% Off At Vatican City Gift Shop
2/21/2019 - Dog Can’t Believe Owner Left On Fucking MSNBC To Keep It Company While She At Work
2/21/2019 - Mueller Admits A Smarter President Would’ve Totally Found Way To Stop Investigation By Now
2/21/2019 - Pope Breaks Ice At Clergy Abuse Summit By Having Everyone Go Around And Say How Many Kids They Molested
2/21/2019 - Oscar Guide: Best Director
2/21/2019 - Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Supreme Court After Surgery
2/21/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Anthem’
2/21/2019 - Bouncer Who’s Not That Big Must Be Fucking Crazy
2/21/2019 - The Onion’s Guide To The Oscars
2/20/2019 - Bernie Sanders Announces 2020 Bid
2/20/2019 - ‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet
2/20/2019 - Mental Health Experts Recommend Calling Fratricide Prevention Hotline For Anyone Contemplating Killing Brother
2/20/2019 - ‘Anthem’ Developers Assure Players Whiteboard With Words ‘Jetpack+Guns?’ Will Be Playable Game By Friday
2/20/2019 - Coca-Cola Releases New Orange Vanilla Flavor
2/20/2019 - Dole Reveals One Cantaloupe Out There Contains $10 Million Check
2/20/2019 - Trump Agrees To Wear Wire To Take Down Roger Stone
2/20/2019 - Man Competitive About How Depressed He Is
2/20/2019 - Pope Spends Afternoon Filling In Glory Holes All Over St. Peter’s Basilica
2/20/2019 - Biggest Snubs In Oscars History
2/20/2019 - MTA Urges Riders To Stop Taking Disabled Passengers
2/20/2019 - Oscar Guide: Best Actor
2/20/2019 - Oscar Guide: Best Actress
2/20/2019 - Oscar Guide: Best Picture
2/19/2019 - Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House
2/19/2019 - Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him
2/19/2019 - Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela
2/19/2019 - Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers
2/19/2019 - Impact Of Global Insect Decline
2/19/2019 - Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956
2/19/2019 - Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended
2/19/2019 - ‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary
2/19/2019 - Taco Hell
2/19/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019
2/18/2019 - ‘Aquaman 2’ Announced
2/18/2019 - Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager
2/18/2019 - Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It
2/18/2019 - U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal
2/18/2019 - Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation
2/18/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2019
2/16/2019 - Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones
2/15/2019 - Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency
2/15/2019 - Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation
2/15/2019 - Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution
2/15/2019 - Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War
2/15/2019 - Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise
2/15/2019 - Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring
2/15/2019 - Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata
2/15/2019 - Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore
2/15/2019 - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions
2/15/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency
2/15/2019 - Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children
2/15/2019 - NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars
2/15/2019 - Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises
2/14/2019 - Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day
2/14/2019 - ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo
2/14/2019 - Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It
2/14/2019 - Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches
2/14/2019 - Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day
2/14/2019 - El Chapo Given Life Sentence
2/14/2019 - Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day
2/14/2019 - Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti
2/14/2019 - Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain
2/14/2019 - This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem
2/14/2019 - Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single
2/14/2019 - Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch
2/14/2019 - Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night
2/14/2019 - Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station
2/14/2019 - Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal
2/13/2019 - Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life
2/13/2019 - Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard
2/13/2019 - ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer
2/13/2019 - Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide
2/13/2019 - Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped
2/13/2019 - Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence
2/12/2019 - Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House
2/12/2019 - Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems
2/12/2019 - Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers
2/12/2019 - Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator
2/12/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar
2/12/2019 - Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid
2/12/2019 - Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name
2/12/2019 - Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County
2/12/2019 - Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness
2/12/2019 - Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement
2/12/2019 - Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories
2/12/2019 - Heart On
2/12/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019
2/11/2019 - Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash
2/11/2019 - Ilhan Omar Thankful For Colleagues Educating Her On Painful History AIPAC Lobbyists Have Had To Endure
2/11/2019 - Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans
2/11/2019 - LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team
2/11/2019 - Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life
2/11/2019 - Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’
2/11/2019 - Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’
2/11/2019 - Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her
2/11/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 11, 2019
2/8/2019 - We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday
2/8/2019 - ‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing Swarm Of Amazon Drones To Hunt Down Nude Photos
2/8/2019 - Study: Vaping Better Aid To Quit Smoking Than Gum Or Patches
2/8/2019 - Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered
2/8/2019 - Adam Silver Sends League-Wide Memo Just Asking Players Where The Fuck They Want To Play
2/8/2019 - Bryce Harper Asks If Phillies Willing To Move To Another City
2/8/2019 - 2018 Fourth-Hottest Year On Record
2/8/2019 - Sentimental Old Founder Renames Company J.D. Power And Friends
2/8/2019 - Myth Vs. Fact: Wine
2/8/2019 - Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This
2/7/2019 - ‘Hurry, There’s A Violent Black Woman Attacking My Daughter,’ Says Cindy McCain To Police While Watching ‘The View’
2/7/2019 - Hawaii Could Increase Legal Age Of Smoking To 100
2/7/2019 - How Hospitals Inflate Costs
2/7/2019 - Nancy Pelosi Signals Support For Environmental Causes By Placing Green New Deal Directly Into Recycling Bin
2/7/2019 - MIT Teaches Robot How To Play Jenga
2/7/2019 - Homicide Detective Wishes He Could Go One Case Without Having To Solve Elaborate Riddle
2/7/2019 - Pedestrian Crossing Street Makes Sure To Look At Approaching Car So Driver Will Feel More Guilty If They Run Him Over
2/7/2019 - Exclusive TSA Pre-Check Allows Passengers To Fly Without Waiting For Airplane
2/7/2019 - ‘What A Crew!’ Comments Man On Instagram Photo Of Fucking Backstabbing Traitors Who Couldn’t Be Bothered To Invite Him To Margarita Night
2/6/2019 - Trump Delivers State Of The Union
2/6/2019 - Ralph Northam Admits He Once Engaged In Pedophilia As Part Of Michael Jackson Costume
2/6/2019 - Report: West Virginia Feeling Pretty Smug Right About Now
2/6/2019 - Fringe Catholic Sect Doesn’t Tolerate Child Abuse
2/6/2019 - Pope Francis: ‘Jesus—I Get Molesting Kids, But Nuns Too?’
2/6/2019 - Disconcerted Woman Has No Memory Of Telling Dressing Room Attendant Her Name
2/6/2019 - Report: Papa Will Be So Very Cross You’ve Lost Grandfather’s Hunting Cap
2/6/2019 - Lonely Elderly Man Visits Pond To Pelt Ducks With Rocks
2/6/2019 - The Onion’s 2019 Grammy Predictions
2/6/2019 - Study Finds Sedentary Lifestyle Puts Millions Of Americans At Risk Of Becoming Beautiful Just The Way They Are
2/6/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Cory Booker
2/6/2019 - Ben Affleck To Leave Role Of Batman
2/5/2019 - Winded Trump Forced To Lie Down For Last Half Of Speech
2/5/2019 - Cold Panic Grips Stacey Abrams As Trump Begins Delivering Speech Almost Identical To One She Wrote
2/5/2019 - Kavanaugh Offers Elena Kagan Pull Of Vodka From Aquafina Bottle
2/5/2019 - ‘Someone In This Room Tonight Will Be Murdered By An Illegal Immigrant,’ Announces Trump Just Before Lights Go Out
2/5/2019 - Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address
2/5/2019 - Trump Claims Greatest Threat Facing Nation Toys Coming To Life While Owner Not In Room
2/5/2019 - Top Democrats Call On Virginia Governor To Resign
2/5/2019 - Guilt-Ridden Stacey Abrams Wondering When She Should Tell Democrats That She Lost Her Election
2/5/2019 - Southern Poverty Law Center Admits They Have No Idea How Dannon Yogurt Company Got On Annual List Of Hate Groups
2/5/2019 - Chinese Man Just Glad Fuckin’ 4716 Over
2/5/2019 - New ‘Avengers’ Fan Theory Suggests Key To Beating Thanos Could Be Nothing Because He Not Real And None Of This Exists
2/5/2019 - History Of Independent Presidential Candidates
2/5/2019 - Dem Good Looking
2/5/2019 - City Of Boston Erects New Plaque Commemorating Spot Where Ben Affleck Will Die
2/5/2019 - Elizabeth Warren Apologizes For DNA Test
2/5/2019 - Reconstruction Finally Completed On Field Destroyed By United Flight 93
2/5/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 5, 2019
2/4/2019 - Kanye West Named New Face Of Yeezy
2/4/2019 - Venezuela President: U.S. Invasion Would Be Worse Than Vietnam
2/4/2019 - Every Baby Boomer In Country Urged To Resign After Photos Emerge Of Them In Blackface
2/4/2019 - 7 Total Randos Found Dead
2/4/2019 - Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son Find Job
2/4/2019 - Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park
2/4/2019 - Report: What’s A Pretty Lady Like You Doing Around An Article Like This?
2/4/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 4, 2019
2/4/2019 - U.S. Falls In Annual Global Corruption Rankings
2/3/2019 - Giant Demonic Hand Bursts Out Of Ground, Drags Bill Belichick Back To Hell
2/3/2019 - ‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl Trophy
2/3/2019 - Small Town Billionaire Fails To Make It In Big City
2/3/2019 - Report: It The Part Of Night Where Everyone Just Sort Of Goes Around And Remembers Commercials They Liked
2/3/2019 - Sean McVay Begs Mother To Let Him Stay Up To Coach Rest Of Super Bowl
2/3/2019 - TV In L.A. Bar Switched Over To ‘American Dad’ Rerun Without Complaint
2/3/2019 - Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System
2/3/2019 - Super Bowl Stadium Solemnly Stands, Places Hands Over Heart For Maroon 5 Halftime Show
2/3/2019 - ‘Now That’s What I Call A Fumble,’ Reports Man At Super Bowl Party Who Has No Idea What He’s Talking About
2/3/2019 - Jared Goff Pissed He Had To Miss Friend’s Super Bowl Party For Work
2/3/2019 - Fox Searchlight Purchases Two Hours Of Super Bowl Air Time To Advertise Entirety Of The Ringer
2/3/2019 - Tony Romo Accurately Predicts Patriots Pass Play, Game’s Outcome, Rest Of Julian Edelman’s Life
2/3/2019 - ‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl
2/3/2019 - Nurse Tells Wheelchair-Bound, Concussed Rob Gronkowski He’s At The Super Bowl With All His Friends
2/3/2019 - Does The Rams’ Success Point Toward A League-Wide Trend Of Teams Drafting, Signing, And Trading For Good Players?
2/3/2019 - Inexperienced Puppy Bowl Team Still Hasn’t Opened Eyes Yet
2/3/2019 - Grocery Store Not Fooling Anybody By Marketing Cantaloupe As Fun Super Bowl Snack
2/3/2019 - Should Hank Host A Super Bowl Party Or Is Everyone Just Going To Talk Through The Whole Game Again?
2/1/2019 - Screen Time Bad For Toddler Development
2/1/2019 - Cory Booker Apologizes To Wall Street Bankers For The Mean Things He’s Going To Have To Say About Them
2/1/2019 - Myth Vs. Fact: Preventing And Treating Colds
2/1/2019 - Crowd Feeling Kind Of Silly Now After Spending All That Time Pleading Rooftop Sniper Not To Jump
2/1/2019 - Democrats Pick Georgia’s Stacey Abrams To Give State Of The Union Rebuttal
2/1/2019 - New Mom Self-Conscious About Scar Where Baby Punched Its Way Out Of Stomach
2/1/2019 - Pitbull Mix Only Bites Off Half Of Toddler’s Face
2/1/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of January