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2019 January
1/31/2019 - Shutdown Cost U.S. Economy $11 Billion
1/31/2019 - ‘It’s Just A Plant, Man,’ Says Purdue Pharma CEO Waving Poppy Flower Before Opioid Lawsuit Judge
1/31/2019 - Democratic Presidential Candidates Endorse New ‘Medicare For All’-Branded Cigna Insurance Plan For Only $400 Per Month
1/31/2019 - First Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit Suicide
1/31/2019 - Parenting Experts Warn Screen Time Greatly Increases Risk Of Child Becoming An Influencer
1/31/2019 - Tips For Getting Unsafe Elderly Drivers Off The Road
1/31/2019 - Parents’ Visit Injects $66 Into Local Apartment Economy
1/31/2019 - Cop Just In It For The Frisking
1/31/2019 - Record-Breaking Cold Grips Midwest
1/30/2019 - Jimmy Carter Concerned Desire For Fresh Faces In Democratic Party May Hurt His Chances In 2020
1/30/2019 - New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Confirms Season 8 Will Reveal Identity Of Sword-Covered Chair
1/30/2019 - T-Mobile Announces Wireless Service Now Covers 70% Of Your Apartment
1/30/2019 - Roger Stone Open To Cooperating With Mueller
1/30/2019 - Man’s Wife Dies Of Cancer Just Like In The Movies
1/30/2019 - Super Bowl LIII: Key Storylines To Watch
1/30/2019 - Frigid Chicago Bean Shrivels Up From Below-Zero Temperatures
1/29/2019 - U.S. And Taliban Agree To Framework For Peace Deal
1/29/2019 - Minnesota Resident Thinking Of Finally Packing It All Up And Moving Someplace Warm Like Michigan
1/29/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Howard Schultz
1/29/2019 - Dick Cheney Finally Hunts Down, Kills Man He Shot In Face In 2006
1/29/2019 - Sean McVay Reveals Bill Belichick Occasionally Texted Him Photos Of Dead Animals After Games
1/29/2019 - Report: Mueller Investigation Nearly Done With First Day Of Trump Campaign
1/29/2019 - Older Cafeteria Monitor Not A Teacher Or Parent Or Anything
1/29/2019 - ‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s Back
1/29/2019 - Common Morning Habits Of Successful People
1/29/2019 - Sequel To Original ‘Ghostbusters’ Being Made
1/29/2019 - Disney Announces ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ Will Feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, And All The Rest Of Your Favorite Touchstone Pictures Characters
1/29/2019 - Indignant Bill Belichick Evades Question By Cutting Off Reporter’s Tongue
1/29/2019 - Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him
1/29/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 29, 2018
1/28/2019 - Nuclear, Climate Threats Keep Doomsday Clock Close To Midnight
1/28/2019 - USDA Just Doing Quick Smell Tests To Inspect All The Backlogged Meat That Piled Up During Shutdown
1/28/2019 - Taliban Agrees To Peace Deal Despite Concerns About America’s Human-Rights Record
1/28/2019 - New Evidence In Murder Case Leads Authorities To Narrow Down List Of Possible Actors Who Could Play Killer
1/28/2019 - 340 Million Social Security Numbers Obtained By Federal Government In Massive Personal Data Breach
1/28/2019 - Howard Schultz Considering Independent Presidential Run After Finding No Initial Support Among Any Voter Groups
1/28/2019 - Local Brother-In-Law Heard You Can Make Shitload Of Money Doing That
1/28/2019 - Record Number Now Consider Climate Change Personal Issue, Poll Finds
1/28/2019 - Grandma’s #MeToo Stories Fucking Horrifying
1/28/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 28, 2019
1/25/2019 - Mavericks Retire Dirk Nowitzki’s Jersey Fully Unaware He Still On Team
1/25/2019 - BuzzFeed CEO Gives Laid-Off Staffers Parting GIF
1/25/2019 - Government Reopens
1/25/2019 - Trump Admits He Assumed Roger Stone Was Already In Prison
1/25/2019 - Judge Restricts Roger Stone’s Travel Between Fox News, InfoWars Studios While Released On Bond
1/25/2019 - Jared Kushner Assures Reporters He Never Revealed State Secrets Without Turning Huge Profit
1/25/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Kingdom Hearts 3’
1/25/2019 - Tony Romo Realizes He Should Have Used Ability To Read Defenses Back When He Was Still Playing
1/25/2019 - Report: White House Overruled Intelligence Officials For Rejecting Saudi Prince’s Top Secret Security Clearance
1/25/2019 - Marine Biologists Train Highly Intelligent Octopus To Profitably Manage Mid-Size Aluminum Goods Supplier
1/25/2019 - Taxation In America: Myth Vs. Fact
1/25/2019 - We Sat Down With 10 Doctors And Asked, Is It Cancer? Oh God, It’s Cancer, Isn’t It?
1/25/2019 - Growing Number Rely On Traditional Outlets Amidst Growth In Fake News
1/24/2019 - ‘The Conners’ Scores Big Ratings By Killing Off Rest Of Family
1/24/2019 - E.L. James Admits New Erotic Novel Originally ‘Tiny Toons’ Fan Fiction
1/24/2019 - YouTube Bans Dangerous Prank Videos
1/24/2019 - Emaciated Peter Alexander Burns Podium For Warmth After Being Locked In Abandoned Press Briefing Room Since December
1/24/2019 - Teen Weirded Out After Running Over English Teacher Outside Of School
1/24/2019 - Allergy Sufferer Dies After Being Stung By Dog
1/24/2019 - Masked Vigilante Takes Terrorizing Black Community Into Own Hands After Local Law Enforcement Fails To Do So
1/24/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Kamala Harris
1/24/2019 - Roku Pulls ‘Infowars’ Channel Following Complaints
1/24/2019 - Dad Doesn’t Trust The Fish Here
1/24/2019 - Study: No Two People Have Listened To Same Band Since 2003
1/23/2019 - Rejection From Hall Of Fame Sends Roger Clemens Spiraling Into Performance-Enhancing-Drug Binge
1/23/2019 - Most Anticipated TV Shows Of 2019
1/23/2019 - Doctors Assure Recovering Patient He Has Many More Years Of Looking At Phone Ahead Of Him
1/23/2019 - ‘The Favourite,’ ‘Roma’ Top Oscars Nominations With 10 Each
1/23/2019 - Study: 30% Of People Who Quit Smoking Relapse After Shakily Raising Cigarette Up To Lips When Agreeing To Turn State’s Evidence
1/23/2019 - Bryan Singer Celebrates ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ Oscar Nominations By Popping Open Special Bottle Of Rohypnol
1/23/2019 - Self-Conscious Puppet Has No Idea What To Do With Hands
1/23/2019 - Nature Preserve Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations With Visitor’s Center Full Of Taxidermied Animals
1/23/2019 - Weak-Willed Intellectual Infant Checks To See How Many More Pages Left In Book Chapter
1/23/2019 - Super Bowl Set For Rams-Patriots
1/22/2019 - Trump Covered In Own Shit After Furloughed White House Staff Fail To Bathe President
1/22/2019 - Giuliani: ‘Let’s Just Start Everything Over’
1/22/2019 - Giuliani Clarifies He Doesn’t Want Gravestone To Say ‘He Married His Cousin’ Either
1/22/2019 - Kamala Harris Enters 2020 Race
1/22/2019 - Weird Kid Opts To Sit Perfectly Still, Let Universe Decide His Fate After Teacher Instructs Class To Pair Up
1/22/2019 - Viral Video Sparks National Debate Around Drumming In Public
1/22/2019 - Kamala Harris Assembles Campaign Staff Of Unpaid California Prison Laborers
1/22/2019 - Chuck Grassley Voted Against MLK Day Due To Foreseeing How Everyone Would Dishonor King’s Memory
1/22/2019 - Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing To Secure Perfect Dream Life By 24
1/22/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 22, 2019
1/21/2019 - 5 Things To Know About
Julián Castro
1/21/2019 - Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown
1/21/2019 - Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex
1/21/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 21, 2019
1/21/2019 - Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him
1/21/2019 - Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain
1/21/2019 - Nation Celebrates MLK Day
1/21/2019 - Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History
1/21/2019 - Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists
1/19/2019 - Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings
1/18/2019 - Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor
1/18/2019 - Trump Dismisses Trump As A Distraction
1/18/2019 - Trump Postpones Grand Opening Of Trump Tower Moscow Until Fuss Over Bombshell Report Dies Down
1/18/2019 - ‘If This Report Is True’ To Be Repeated 5.7 Billion Times Today
1/18/2019 - Defiant Pelosi Begins Swimming To Afghanistan After Trump Denies Use Of Government Plane
1/18/2019 - Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game
1/18/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Kirsten Gillibrand
1/18/2019 - ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer
1/18/2019 - ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8
1/18/2019 - Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months
1/18/2019 - Should The Oakland A’s Have Sent Brad Pitt To Persuade Kyler Murray?
1/18/2019 - Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water
1/18/2019 - Yahoo! Turns 25
1/18/2019 - Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy
1/18/2019 - Ready For Her Close-Up: This Actress Is Ready For Her Close-Up
1/17/2019 - John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden
1/17/2019 - Could This Be The Last Season We See Rob Gronkowski Fully Assembled In A Patriots Uniform?
1/17/2019 - ‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together
1/17/2019 - Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown
1/17/2019 - Karen Pence Returns To Work As Part-Time Nude Art Model
1/17/2019 - Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton
1/17/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Glass’
1/17/2019 - Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents
1/17/2019 - Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks
1/17/2019 - Zamboni Jams Up After Running Over Large Patch Of Loose Teeth
1/17/2019 - This The Fuck Harness Sex Shop Worker Has At Home
1/17/2019 - Netflix Raising Prices
1/17/2019 - Man Nervous About Telling Date He Has Her Kids
1/16/2019 - Report: There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What
1/16/2019 - U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal
1/16/2019 - Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
1/16/2019 - Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over
1/16/2019 - New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate
1/16/2019 - Pretentious Woman Refers To Slam Piece As ‘Partner’
1/16/2019 - Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post
1/16/2019 - Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About
1/16/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance
1/16/2019 - Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed
1/15/2019 - Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe
1/15/2019 - GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment
1/15/2019 - Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along
1/15/2019 - NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood
1/15/2019 - Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America
1/15/2019 - William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference
1/15/2019 - Government Shutdowns By The Numbers
1/15/2019 - Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet
1/15/2019 - FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians
1/15/2019 - Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job
1/15/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019
1/15/2019 - Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment
1/14/2019 - Poll: Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown
1/14/2019 - ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over
1/14/2019 - GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee
1/14/2019 - Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon
1/14/2019 - Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government
1/14/2019 - Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing
1/14/2019 - R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over
1/14/2019 - Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs
1/14/2019 - Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives
1/11/2019 - Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up
1/10/2019 - TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon
1/9/2019 - CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks
1/8/2019 - Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom
1/8/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019
1/7/2019 - It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It
1/1/2019 - New Year’s Resolution
1/1/2019 - Earth Passes Through Temporal Vortex Hurling Planet Into Year 2019