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2019 July
7/31/2019 - Jake Tapper Demands Michael Bennet Answer Question Of Whether He Too Big A Pussy To Take Swing At De Blasio
7/31/2019 - Jay Inslee’s Head Explodes After New Fracture Forms In Greenland Ice Sheet
7/31/2019 - Kirsten Gillibrand Appeals To Detroit Voters By Touting Hardscrabble Youth Growing Up As A Car
7/31/2019 - De Blasio Appealing To Rural Voters By Touting Destruction Of New York City Under His Watch
7/31/2019 - CNN Publishes Winners And Losers Of Wednesday Night Debate 45 Minutes Before Broadcast
7/31/2019 - Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’ Breaks Billboard Record
7/31/2019 - Music Writers Attribute Lil Nas X’s Success To Inventing Country Genre
7/31/2019 - Nation’s Middle School Boyfriends Announce You Can Touch It If You Like
7/31/2019 - New USPS Commercial Says They Proudly Send More Fingers For Kidnappers Than Any Other Shipping Company
7/31/2019 - 10 Greatest Video Game Sequels Of All Time
7/31/2019 - Lindsey Graham Sheepishly Approaches Fox News Interns To See If Anybody Up For Grabbing Drink
7/31/2019 - Dan Coats Resigns As Director Of National Intelligence
7/30/2019 - Sanders, Warren Devolve Into Screaming Match After Discovering Insurmountable Divide On Wildlife Management Policy
7/30/2019 - ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONATE, BETO’S DYING UP THERE’ Reads O’Rourke Campaign Fundraising Email Sent During Debate
7/30/2019 - John Delaney Befuddled By Question Asking Him To Imagine Himself As President
7/30/2019 - Marianne Williamson Sternly Addresses Homemade Trump Puppet About Immigration In Fiery Debate Exchange
7/30/2019 - Debate Set Clearly Painted-Over Props From Production Of ‘James And The Giant Peach’
7/30/2019 - ‘Right This Way To The Debate Stage,’ Says Tearful, Rock-Holding Hickenlooper Aide Leading Candidate To Secluded Spot In The Woods
7/30/2019 - Trump Attacks Al Sharpton, Elijah Cummings In Tweets
7/30/2019 - Jordan Lyles Becomes First Brewer To Wear Irrational Number
7/30/2019 - Mysterious Salem Shopkeeper Offers Seth Moulton Chance At Presidential Debate Stage But At A Terrible Cost
7/30/2019 - What To Expect In The Second Democratic Debates
7/30/2019 - Researchers Confirm Meditation Can Reduce Stress But Totally Get It If You Were Just Venting And Don’t Actually Want Advice
7/30/2019 - Eco-Win! Rockstar Announces That For Every Mile Driven In ‘Grand Theft Auto Online’ They’ll Plant A Tree In-Game
7/30/2019 - More Presidential Candidates Taking Strident Pro-Caviar Stance To Appeal To Democratic Socialite Wing Of Party
7/30/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 30, 2019
7/30/2019 - BREAKING: Mute Button On Ad Opens Second, Louder Ad
7/30/2019 - Swarms Of Grasshoppers Descend On Las Vegas
7/30/2019 - Woman Who Doesn’t Want To Be Hit On Shouldn’t Be Hanging Out In Bar Taking Drink Orders
7/30/2019 - Notificassignations
7/29/2019 - Andrew Yang Loads Shotgun As Hissing, Crackling Copy Machine Lurches Towards Campaign Staff
7/29/2019 - Brazil’s Deforestation Of Amazon Increased By 39% In Past Year
7/29/2019 - Police Apprehend Man For Repeatedly Failing To Pay For Subway
7/29/2019 - Trump Escalates Baltimore Attacks With Rambling, 3-Hour Press Conference Tearing Into Edgar Allan Poe
7/29/2019 - Sincere Email To Coworker Drafted, Reconsidered, Deleted
7/29/2019 - Chuck Grassley Accidentally Lies In State For Few Hours After Drifting Off In Capitol Rotunda
7/29/2019 - Study: Chris Martin Probably Cried When He Wrote ‘Fix You’
7/29/2019 - New York Bans Discrimination Against Natural Hair
7/29/2019 - Lifeguard Going To Let Drowning Kid Who Received 3 Verbal Warnings Flail Around For A Bit Before Diving In
7/29/2019 - Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church
7/29/2019 - Guy On Bus Really Good At Whatever Phone Game That Is
7/26/2019 - 4-Year-Old Convinced Father A Moron After 45th Consecutive Hide-And-Seek Victory
7/26/2019 - Instagram Begins Hiding Likes
7/26/2019 - Samin Nosrat Releases Updated Book ‘Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Marshmallow’ About The 5 Key Elements Of Good Cooking
7/26/2019 - Customers Relieved To See Perky 7-Eleven Cashier’s Spirit Has Finally Been Crushed
7/26/2019 - Justice Department Resumes Capital Punishment After 2-Decade Hiatus
7/26/2019 - Russian Operative Disappointed Gerrymandering Taking All The Fun Out Of Hacking 2020 U.S. Election
7/26/2019 - New Tampax High-Speed Applicator Able To Launch Tampons Into Vagina At 500 MPH
7/26/2019 - Horrified Iowan Farmer Starts Breaking Out In Corn After Coming Into Direct Contact With Monsanto Crops
7/26/2019 - Man Flashes Hand Stamp To Bouncer Like Badge Of Field Agent Entering Crime Scene
7/26/2019 - Everything You Need To Know About ‘Wolfenstein: Youngblood’
7/26/2019 - The Onion’s Guide To TikTok
7/25/2019 - India’s Chandrayaan-2 Mission Heading To Moon
7/25/2019 - Pelosi Concerned Outspoken Progressive Flank Of Party Could Harm Democrats’ Reputation As Ineffectual Cowards
7/25/2019 - ‘Space Jam 2’ Taps Mahershala Ali To Play LeBron James
7/25/2019 - Sun Setting Over Tropical Beach Kind Of Beautiful In Its Own Way
7/25/2019 - Catholic Church Not About To Be Out-Molested By Goddamn Boy Scouts
7/25/2019 - Boris Johnson To Be Next U.K. Prime Minister
7/25/2019 - Insecure Infant Worried He Unworthy Of Animatronic Toy Rabbit’s Love
7/25/2019 - Bar Band To Pay Dearly For Slipping In Original Song
7/25/2019 - New ‘Call Of Duty’ Explores Horrifying Reality Of Life As USO Magician
7/25/2019 - Thousands Of Polar Bears Washing Up On Nation’s Beaches
7/25/2019 - Aging Congress Moves Into More Manageable Single-Story Ranch Capitol
7/24/2019 - Mueller Testifies Before Congress
7/24/2019 - Tim Duncan Maps Out Spurs’ Genealogy After Being Hired As Team Archivist
7/24/2019 - Man Doesn’t Understand Why People Wasting Time Attacking Him For Running Over Their Dog When Trump The Real Enemy
7/24/2019 - LeBron James Reveals School He Founded Has Seen Huge Gains In English, Math, And Dunk Testing
7/24/2019 - Nemesis Has Wikipedia Page
7/24/2019 - ‘It’s Like All The President’s Men Meets Rambo,’ Says Robert Mueller Describing Report To Congress
7/24/2019 - Congratulations! You’ve Read Enough OGN Articles In A Row To Earn A 1-Up!
7/24/2019 - Real Estate Agents Trying To Gentrify Run-Down Earth By Renaming It West Saturn
7/24/2019 - 5 Things To Know About The Democratic Congresswomen ‘Squad’
7/24/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Meal Kit Delivery Services
7/24/2019 - Grandmother’s Passing Helps Emotionally Prepare Child For When Pet Hamster Dies
7/24/2019 - Hundreds Of Thousands Protest Against Governor In Puerto Rico
7/23/2019 - ESPN Impressed By Mark Sanchez’s Ability To Point Out Football Field
7/23/2019 - ‘That Place Is A Disaster,’ Says Bill De Blasio Watching Flooded NYC Subway On TV During Iowa Campaign Stop
7/23/2019 - Iran Arrests 17 People Allegedly Spying For CIA
7/23/2019 - Tom Hanks Recalls Arriving On ‘A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’ Set At Dawn For Grueling 6-Hour Cardigan-Application Process
7/23/2019 - Small Town Ravished By Alejandro
7/23/2019 - Woman Spirals Into Vortex Of Self-Doubt After Trader Joe’s Cashier Does Not Compliment Any Of Her Selected Items
7/23/2019 - Foreign Candy Has Unrecognizable Fruit On Label
7/23/2019 - Justices Observe Supreme Court Ritual By Driving Stake Through John Paul Stevens’ Heart To Ensure He Dead Before Burial
7/23/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Once Upon A Time In Hollywood’
7/23/2019 - Cop Hired For Posting Racist Rant On Social Media
7/23/2019 - Chuck Schumer Announces Support For Reparations Bill
7/23/2019 - Report: PlayStation 5 Has Already Been Out In Japan For, Like, 20 Years
7/23/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 23, 2019
7/22/2019 - July On Track To Be Hottest Month Ever
7/22/2019 - Laptop Camera Wishes It Could Tell Woman How Good She Looks When She Doesn’t Know She’s Being Watched
7/22/2019 - Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change
7/22/2019 - Deal Alert: There Is A Free Copy Of ‘Super Star Wars’ Our Mom Is Going To Throw Out After She Found It In The Basement
7/22/2019 - House Votes To Raise Federal Minimum Wage To $15
7/22/2019 - Nation’s Dorky Little Nerds Announce They Have Nosebleed
7/19/2019 - Trump Says He Disagrees With ‘Send Her Back’ Chants
7/19/2019 - Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department
7/19/2019 - Weather Channel Correspondent Paddling Boat Through Melted Sidewalk To Show Off Extent Of Heat Wave
7/19/2019 - New Study Finds Nipples Evolved To Stop Mammals From Squirting Continuous Streams Of Milk From Chests
7/19/2019 - Trump Campaign Store Offering Special Disavowed Discount On All ‘Send Her Back’ Merchandise
7/19/2019 - Real Buzz Aldrin Spends 50th Straight Year On Moon Trying To Signal Earth To Warn Of Imposter
7/19/2019 - Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool
7/19/2019 - Pube-Riddled Razor Laid To Rest Following Long Battle With Bikini Line
7/19/2019 - White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals
7/19/2019 - ‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’
7/19/2019 - Mark Sanford Considering Running Primary Attempt Against Trump
7/19/2019 - Simon, Garfunkel Pose Perfectly Still In Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Exhibit To Avoid Security Guard Catching Them Living In Museum
7/19/2019 - How Different Colors Affect Your Brain And Body
7/19/2019 - Sweating, Beet-Red Child Descends From Treehouse Assuring Everyone It Not Too Hot To Play Up There
7/18/2019 - Trump Disavows Supporters Who Could Barely Keep Racist Chant Going For 10 Seconds
7/18/2019 - ‘Game Of Thrones’ Receives Record-Breaking 32 Nominations
7/18/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The Lion King’
7/18/2019 - Federal Officials Investigating Man Posting Racist Attacks Online Armed With Millions Of Explosives
7/18/2019 - Ruth Bader Ginsburg Suspended For Next 10 Rulings Following Supreme Court Bench-Clearing Brawl
7/18/2019 - Pizza Crust Saved To Make Pizza Stock
7/18/2019 - Tips Every Dog Walker Should Know
7/18/2019 - Next Bond Movie Will Feature Black Female Actor In Role Of 007
7/18/2019 - John Oliver Annoyed After Discovering He The Only Non-CGI Character In ‘Lion King’ Remake
7/18/2019 - National Weather Service Stresses Those In Path Of Heat Wave Should Crawl Towards Sparkling, Cold Spring Shimmering At Edge Of Vision
7/17/2019 - Shocking New Epstein Video Shows Pictures Moving All On Their Own
7/17/2019 - Man Can’t Believe He Being Jailed On Drug Charge When There Are Real Criminals Out There
7/17/2019 - Netflix Cuts Controversial Suicide Scene From ‘13 Reasons Why’
7/17/2019 - House Passes Resolution Overnight Apologizing If Previous Racism Resolution Came Off Too Harsh
7/17/2019 - Cop Vows To Get Revenge On Eric Garner For Trying To Frame Him For Murder
7/17/2019 - Report: How About You Tell Us The Goddamn News For A Change?
7/17/2019 - Mom Saving Baby Pictures For Child To Use On Rap Album Cover
7/17/2019 - Alan Turing To Be Honored On Britain’s £50 Note
7/17/2019 - Man Annoyed After Neighbors Never Return Son They Borrowed To Do Some Work Around House
7/17/2019 - What The Future Of Farming Looks Like
7/17/2019 - Virginia Agrees To Remove Confederate Ghosts From State Capitol
7/17/2019 - Baldwin Reveals Every Door That Locks Behind You In ‘Resident Evil 2’ Uses Baldwin’s High-Quality Latching Technology
7/16/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Deepfake’ Videos
7/16/2019 - Nevada Transportation Authority Unveils Dedicated Bang Bus Lanes For Horny Commuters
7/16/2019 - Trump Tells Liberal Congresswomen To ‘Go Back To Their Country’
7/16/2019 - Moon Receives Standing Ovation At Apollo 11 Anniversary Event
7/16/2019 - 82-Year-Old New Jersey Congressman Bill Pascrell Quietly Asks Ilhan Omar If He Can Be Part Of The Squad
7/16/2019 - ICE Protests Brutal Conditions Of Being Forced To Stand Outside Homes Of Immigrants For Hours
7/16/2019 - Boston General Introduces New ‘Night Among The Patients’ Event Featuring Cocktails, Live Music
7/16/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 16, 2019
7/16/2019 - Woman Not So Lactose Intolerant When Boyfriend Out Of Town
7/16/2019 - It’s Time Video Games Stop Glorifying Violence And Go Back To Glorifying Whatever The Fuck Was Going On In ‘BurgerTime’
7/16/2019 - New Evidence Finds Titanic Passengers Continued Eating From Buffet As Ship Sank
7/16/2019 - U.S. Renewables Top Coal For First Time
7/15/2019 - Panicked Tree Freezes In Headlights As Car Barrels Toward It
7/15/2019 - Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy
7/15/2019 - Amazon Workers Attempting Walkout Enter 7th Hour Wandering In Ever-Expanding, Labyrinthian Warehouse
7/15/2019 - Remorseful Beto O’Rourke Admits His Family Responsible For My Lai Massacre, Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
7/15/2019 - Exhausted Amazon Customer Forced To Piss In Bottle While Browsing Prime Day Deals
7/15/2019 - HPV Vaccine Benefits May Lead To Cervical Cancer Elimination
7/15/2019 - Trump Supporters Worried Racist Attacks Against Progressive Democrats Just Talk
7/15/2019 - Man’s Existential Terror About Country’s Slide Towards Authoritarianism Sublimated Into Campaign To Get Journalist Fired For Tweet
7/15/2019 - Sun Still Shining And People Laughing As Though Rip Torn Isn’t Dead
7/15/2019 - BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her
7/15/2019 - Department Of Interior Sets Aside Portion Of Florida Beachfront As National ‘Wild Things’ Preserve
7/12/2019 - ‘It’s Not So Bad,’ Mike Pence Reports On Conditions Of Detainment Center While Hazmat Suit Disinfected
7/12/2019 - Russell Westbrook Quietly Asks Rockets Team Doctor If He Needs To Make Free Throw To Pass Physical
7/12/2019 - Mike Pence Assures Detained Children That They Will Have Safe, Sanitary Conditions In Heaven
7/12/2019 - Jeffrey Epstein Offers Court $32 Million Child Pornography Collection As Bail
7/12/2019 - Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb
7/12/2019 - National Park Service Releases Detailed Guide On What Visitors Should Do Upon Encountering Squirrel
7/12/2019 - Trump Honors Brave Heroes Who Slept With Wives Of Deployed Soldiers
7/12/2019 - I’m Pregnant And You’re The Father
7/12/2019 - Study Finds Majority Of American Health Insurance Plans Don’t Cover Sending Sickly Child To Convalesce In Countryside
7/11/2019 - Paul Ryan Lauded For Inspiring Millions Of Young Gutless Fucking Cowards To Take On Leadership Roles
7/11/2019 - ICE Sends Agents Home With Sacks Of Flour To Practice What It Like Detaining Real Baby
7/11/2019 - Epstein Attorneys Denounce Accusers For Trying To Ruin Career Of Successful Child Molester
7/11/2019 - At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I Wanted
7/11/2019 - Lucky Bar Mitzvah Boy Gets To Be Picture For ‘Bar Mitzvah’ Wikipedia Page
7/10/2019 - U.S. Soccer Federation Argues It Ridiculous For Female Players To Expect Same Pay As Huge Stars Like Daniel Lovitz, Djordje Mihailovic
7/10/2019 - Legal Experts Note Uproar Over Epstein Scandal May Lead To Legislators Outlawing Pedophilia
7/10/2019 - Phoenix Suns Gorilla Involved In Altercation At Glendale-Area Gentlemen’s Club
7/10/2019 - Outraged Trump Declares He Would’ve Gotten Jeffrey Epstein Way More Lenient Plea Deal
7/10/2019 - Family Creeped Out By Alexa Playing Back Conversations They Haven’t Even Had Yet
7/10/2019 - Sweden Announces Plan To Get 100% Of Energy From Unguarded Wall Outlet In Finland By 2030
7/10/2019 - Fork Section Of Cutlery Drawer Overrun By Invasive Soup Spoons
7/10/2019 - Gynecologist Inserting IUD Promises Woman It Will Be Just A Quick Pinch And Then She’ll Be On The Floor Unconscious
7/10/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Shareable Electric Scooters
7/9/2019 - John Hickenlooper Sets Ambitious $250 Fundraising Goal For Next Debate Cycle
7/9/2019 - Frustrated Subway Marketers Scrap $150 Million Jeffrey Epstein Ad Campaign
7/9/2019 - Swalwell Satisfied With Campaign Sparking Important Conversation About Hopeless Candidates Who Waste Everyone’s Time
7/9/2019 - Man’s Crippling, Overpowering Need To Be Liked By Everyone Apparently Not Affecting His Behavior
7/9/2019 - Neighborhood Grosser
7/9/2019 - Woman On Third Level Of Purgatory Tired Of Being Passed Over For Advancement By Less Penitent Men
7/8/2019 - Jeffrey Epstein Swears He Didn’t Know Sex-Trafficking Ring Was Underage
7/8/2019 - ‘Big Little Lies’ Producers Forced To Blur Reese Witherspoon's Face Out After Realizing She Never Signed Release
7/8/2019 - Defense Attorneys Vow To Present Irrefutable Evidence Proving Jeffrey Epstein Billionaire
7/8/2019 - NRA Insists That Most Recent Mass Shooting Does Not Accurately Reflect Potential Deadliness Of Firearm
7/8/2019 - Area Man Always Thought He’d Squander His Life Differently
7/8/2019 - Brother, Sister Have Pretty Good Chemistry
7/5/2019 - Breaking: It Not Too Late To Take Advantage Of
The Onion
’s Independence Day Mattress Sale
7/5/2019 - Passersby Feel Sorry For Aging Deep Blue Sitting At Washington Square Park Chess Table All Day
7/5/2019 - Savvy Pornography Director Includes Preliminary Shot Of Penis That Will Go Off By End Of Film
7/3/2019 - Entitled Burger King Employee Wants $15 An Hour Just For Dealing With Worst Of America Every Day
7/2/2019 - Italy To Host 2026 Winter Olympics
7/2/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Stranger Things’ Season 3
7/2/2019 - Baby Crow’s First Word ‘Caw’
7/1/2019 - God Orders All Followers To Swallow Cyanide Capsules In Preparation For Voyage To Alpha Centauri
7/1/2019 - Supreme Court Rejects Adding Census Citizenship Question
7/1/2019 - Extremely Effective Therapist Just Lets Patients Beat Shit Out Of Him For 45 Minutes
7/1/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of June