3/29/2019 - Conservation Program Helps Struggling Rhinos Adapt To Modern Ecosystem By Retraining Them As Urban Scavengers

3/29/2019 - Should Baseball Fix Its Pacing Issues By Limiting Visits To The In-Laws During Games?

3/29/2019 - Disney Estate Uncovers Cache Of Anti-American Cartoons Intended For Release If Axis Won WWII

3/29/2019 - Brutalist Beaver Constructs Paul Rudolph-Inspired Dam

3/29/2019 - Bin Laden Vineyard Falling Into Disrepair

3/29/2019 - ‘The Matrix’ Turns 20

3/29/2019 - Goose Thinking Of Migrating Home A Couple Weeks Early To Avoid The Crowds

3/28/2019 - Can Hank Finish The 14 Teams Left In His MLB Season Preview Before He Passes Out From Exhaustion?

3/28/2019 - Inconsiderate Jackass Takes Up Entire Parking Space

3/28/2019 - How People Are Radicalized Online

3/28/2019 - Self-Actualized Historians Urge Nation Not To Get Hung Up On The Past

3/28/2019 - Man Entering Fog Of Insanity Asked If This His First Time At Dave & Buster’s

3/28/2019 - God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s

3/28/2019 - I Guess I’m Only Tough On Stains Because My Dad Was So Tough On Me

3/28/2019 - Family Members Locked In Heated Bidding War To Convince Cat To Sleep In Their Bed

3/27/2019 - Military Recruiter Fondly Recalls When He Was Just A Naïve Kid Being Coaxed Into Making Binding 8-Year Commitment To Fill Quota

3/27/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Banning Bottled Water

3/27/2019 - Trump Boys Defend Sending Saudi Arabia Plans For Cool Missile On Personal Etch A Sketch

3/27/2019 - Bend In Road Not Sharp Enough To Merit So Many Roadside Memorials

3/27/2019 - Total Weirdo Leading Bracket Pool After Picking Teams She Analyzed And Predicted Would Beat The Others

3/27/2019 - Apple Unveils Video Streaming Service

3/27/2019 - ISIS Fighter Dreading Smug Looks From Hometown Friends Who Told Him Caliphate Sounded Like Dumb Idea

3/27/2019 - EPA Reveals 37% Of Water Waste Nationwide Caused By Husky Kids Doing Cannonball Into Country Club Pool

3/26/2019 - Embarrassed Comcast CEO Just Tells People He Does Digital Media Stuff

3/26/2019 - Michael Avenatti Arrested For Attempted Extortion Of Nike For $20 Million

3/26/2019 - Liberal Feels Like Idiot For Placing Entirety Of Hopes On Mueller Probe Instead Of New York Prosecutors’ Investigation

3/26/2019 - U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village

3/26/2019 - National Friends Alliance Vigorously Defends Right To Have Great Time Palling Around With Buddies

3/26/2019 - Habitat For Eternity

3/26/2019 - Shocked Vladimir Putin Slowly Realizing He Didn’t Conspire With Trump Campaign

3/26/2019 - Finland World’s Happiest Country In 2019

3/26/2019 - Doctor Alarmed By How Little Time Family Needed To Decide To Pull Plug On Grandfather

3/26/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Dumbo’

3/26/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2019

3/25/2019 - Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller

3/25/2019 - Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been

3/25/2019 - William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement

3/25/2019 - Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says

3/25/2019 - Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands

3/25/2019 - Lazy Man Waiting For Spark Of Inspiration To Finally Get Started On Masturbating

3/25/2019 - Police Confirm Car Had Ethanol In System At Time Of Crash

3/25/2019 - Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia

3/25/2019 - ‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy

3/25/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 25, 2019

3/22/2019 - Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup

3/22/2019 - Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress

3/22/2019 - Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society

3/22/2019 - Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016

3/22/2019 - MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap

3/22/2019 - Annoyed Boss Can Tell Employees Watching NCAA Tournament On His Computer

3/22/2019 - Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production

3/22/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies

3/21/2019 - Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report

3/21/2019 - Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade

3/21/2019 - Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff

3/21/2019 - Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands

3/21/2019 - None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine

3/21/2019 - Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century

3/21/2019 - Tips For Quitting Juul

3/20/2019 - Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising

3/20/2019 - Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account

3/20/2019 - Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle

3/20/2019 - Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration

3/20/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt

3/20/2019 - Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging

3/20/2019 - Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni

3/20/2019 - One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port

3/20/2019 - Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History

3/19/2019 - Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting

3/19/2019 - Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill

3/19/2019 - Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper

3/19/2019 - Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants

3/19/2019 - Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia

3/19/2019 - Facebook: ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’

3/19/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg

3/19/2019 - Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time

3/19/2019 - Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk

3/19/2019 - The Green New Meal

3/19/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019

3/18/2019 - Officials: Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes

3/18/2019 - Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There

3/18/2019 - Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini

3/18/2019 - Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle

3/18/2019 - NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal

3/18/2019 - Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’

3/18/2019 - KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1

3/18/2019 - God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos

3/18/2019 - President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’

3/18/2019 - Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult

3/18/2019 - Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say

3/18/2019 - Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140%

3/18/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019

3/17/2019 - Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes

3/16/2019 - Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money?

3/15/2019 - Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats

3/15/2019 - How FEMA Responds To Disasters

3/15/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke

3/15/2019 - Report: More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel

3/15/2019 - Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries

3/15/2019 - Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything

3/15/2019 - Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash?

3/15/2019 - Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child

3/15/2019 - Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029

3/15/2019 - Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears

3/14/2019 - Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause

3/14/2019 - Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City

3/14/2019 - Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign

3/14/2019 - California Halts Death Penalty

3/14/2019 - 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk

3/14/2019 - Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy

3/14/2019 - Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family

3/14/2019 - World Wide Web 30 Years Old

3/14/2019 - Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head

3/14/2019 - Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout

3/14/2019 - Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers

3/14/2019 - ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors

3/14/2019 - Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires

3/14/2019 - Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income

3/13/2019 - 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal

3/13/2019 - Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns

3/13/2019 - Report: Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia

3/13/2019 - Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game

3/13/2019 - ‘Cops’ Turns 30

3/13/2019 - Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck

3/13/2019 - Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts

3/13/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang

3/12/2019 - USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background

3/12/2019 - Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push

3/12/2019 - China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash

3/12/2019 - Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning

3/12/2019 - New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’

3/12/2019 - Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors

3/12/2019 - Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap

3/12/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3

3/12/2019 - Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did

3/12/2019 - New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount

3/12/2019 - We Didn’t Start The Choir

3/12/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019

3/11/2019 - Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice

3/11/2019 - U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment

3/11/2019 - 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy

3/11/2019 - Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him

3/11/2019 - Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack

3/11/2019 - ‘New York Times’ Corrects Story By Admitting They Burned Venezuela Aid Convoy

3/11/2019 - CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter

3/11/2019 - DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox

3/11/2019 - Scholars Say Constitution Is Open To Differing Interpretations Because Nobody Can Read That Crazy Script

3/11/2019 - Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom

3/11/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019

3/11/2019 - Humiliated Baboon Unable To Keep Ass Swollen In Front Of Mate

3/8/2019 - Paul Manafort Given 47 Months In Prison

3/8/2019 - Local Internet User Completely Unaware He A Top Content Creator For Barstool Sports

3/8/2019 - Bored Iowa Town Trying To Convince Kirsten Gillibrand It Local Tradition To Eat Live Tarantula

3/8/2019 - Limited-Edition Solange Vinyl Features List Of Chores To Do While Album Plays In Background

3/8/2019 - NASA Plans First All-Female Spacewalk

3/8/2019 - Washing Machine Loses Man’s Trust

3/8/2019 - What’s In The Green New Deal

3/8/2019 - Limited-Edition Russet Potato Comes With Certificate Of Authenticity

3/7/2019 - Mario Batali Leaves Restaurant Group

3/7/2019 - ‘The Bachelor’ Accused Of Leveraging His Power As A Reality TV Star To Lure 30 Women To California Mansion

3/7/2019 - By The Time Bryce Harper's 13-Year Contract Expires, Hank Will Be A Lonely, Old, Useless Relic

3/7/2019 - Baby Feels Foolish After Realizing Stranger Waving At Toddler Next Seat Over

3/7/2019 - Scientists Genetically Engineer Lab Rat Predisposed To Think Anything Wrong With It Might Be Cancer

3/7/2019 - Woman Nervous For Boyfriend To Meet Person She Becomes Around Parents

3/7/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Captain Marvel’

3/7/2019 - Aging Mount St. Helens Starting To Think Erupting Days Are Behind It

3/7/2019 - Notre Dame Scandalized After Booster Caught Offering Plenary Indulgences

3/7/2019 - HIV Cured In Second Patient Ever

3/7/2019 - Scientists Pinpoint Part Of Brain All Your Hair Grows Out Of

3/7/2019 - Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

3/6/2019 - Senate Has Votes To Overturn Trump Emergency Declaration

3/6/2019 - Tabloid Reveals Pete Davidson, Kate Beckinsale Only Dating As PR Stunt To Promote New York Rangers

3/6/2019 - Michael Jackson Estate Questions Why Accusers Only Coming Forward Steadily Since Early 1990s

3/6/2019 - Man In Rental Car Spends 20 Minutes Trying To Find Steering Wheel

3/6/2019 - What House Democrats Are Looking For In Their Trump Probe

3/6/2019 - Pantone Intern Starstruck After Meeting Designer Behind Sand Dollar 13-1106

3/6/2019 - How GOP Leaders Go From Being #NeverTrump To Trump Supporters

3/6/2019 - Demonic Spirit Claws Way Out Of Hell To Flicker Lights, Throw Some Silverware Around

3/6/2019 - Report Finds Child Poverty Could Be Cut In Half In Just 10 Years With Significant Investment

3/5/2019 - PlayStation Vita Officially Dead

3/5/2019 - Steven Spielberg Criticizes Netflix For Ruining Golden Age Of Pandering Big-Budget Corporate Films

3/5/2019 - John Hickenlooper Announces Support For Nuking Australia Just To See If Anyone Paying Attention

3/5/2019 - Wary Michael Jackson Hologram Just Trying To Keep Low Profile

3/5/2019 - ‘Game Of Thrones’ Creators Frantically Re-Shoot Finale To Make Peter Dinklage Death Seem Intentional

3/5/2019 - ‘New York Post’ Publishes Report Exposing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s 9-Figure Social Security Number

3/5/2019 - Most Anticipated Events At South By Southwest 2019

3/5/2019 - Divorced Man Doesn’t Even Recognize Smiling, Happy Family In Photo That Came With Frame

3/5/2019 - Orioles Creeped Out By Fan Who Followed Them To Spring Training

3/5/2019 - Woman Adopts Second Cat For First One To Terrorize While She At Work

3/5/2019 - Income Inequality At Highest Point Since Before Great Depression

3/5/2019 - Bowl Movement

3/5/2019 - God Purges Millions Of Souls From Heaven Now That Sexual Assault Being Taken More Seriously

3/5/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 5, 2019

3/4/2019 - Why Some Tax Refunds Are Down This Year

3/4/2019 - 2020 Democratic Hopefuls Support Marijuana Legalization

3/4/2019 - Sexist Media Keeps Only Referring To Woman As ‘Bride Of ISIS Soldier’

3/4/2019 - Grandmother Really Starting To Get The Hang Of Dying

3/4/2019 - New Parents Disgusted To Learn They Had Type Of Baby That Shits

3/4/2019 - Methodist Church Votes To Ban Same-Sex Marriages And Clergy

3/4/2019 - Painted-Over Spot On Public Bathroom Wall Must Conceal Some Really Fucked-Up Graffiti

3/4/2019 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 4, 2019

3/4/2019 - Shadow Of Intrigue Surrounds Local News Station’s Satellite Truck

3/1/2019 - Israeli Prime Minister Indicted On Charges Of Bribery, Fraud

3/1/2019 - Baskin-Robbins’ Cash Register Interface Just Big Button For Ice Cream

3/1/2019 - Lady Gaga Quashes Rumors That She Ever Thought Bradley Cooper Talented In Any Way

3/1/2019 - Michael Jackson Estate Releases New Documentary Alleging King Of Pop Gets Lifetime Pass For ‘Thriller’

3/1/2019 - Trump Administration Denies President Was Behind Jared Kushner’s Promotion To 4-Star General

3/1/2019 - Ecologists Urge Birds To Avert Global Decline Of Insects By Adopting Seed-Based Diet

3/1/2019 - Party Guest Figures Bedroom Dresser Probably Where Host Wants Everyone To Leave Empty Cans

3/1/2019 - NASA Frantically Announces Mission To Earth’s Core After Accidentally Launching Rocket Upside Down

3/1/2019 - Breakdancing Being Considered For 2024 Olympics

3/1/2019 - A History Of Weezer

3/1/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of February