Sitemap
2019 November
11/29/2019 - ‘Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ Cast Members Clock Into Amazon Warehouse For Mandatory Black Friday Overtime Shift
11/28/2019 - Child Decides To Become Vegetarian After Forming Close Friendship With Roasted Turkey Leg
11/28/2019 - Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing
11/27/2019 - Ovechkin Shanks Slapshot Into Stands After Unruly Fan Coughs During Backswing
11/27/2019 - New Sip-And-Weld Studio Provides Opportunity To Drink Wine, Create Own Masterpiece With Blowtorch
11/27/2019 - Man Worried Partner Hasn’t Been Attracted To Him Ever Since He Got Head Stuck In Fence
11/27/2019 - ‘Just Be Honest If This Looks Good,’ Girlfriend Wearing New Big Bird Outfit Asks Panicking Boyfriend
11/27/2019 - Coal Production Shows Record Declines In 2019
11/27/2019 - Self-Loathing Slowly Morphing Into Pride As Man Consumes 36th Pig In A Blanket
11/27/2019 - Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement
11/27/2019 - Timeline Of Online Advertising
11/27/2019 - Computer Not Looking Forward To Having To Replace Man's Repetitive, Mindless Job
11/26/2019 - Supreme Court Denies ‘Serial’ Subject Hearing
11/26/2019 - Eddie Gallager Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Nightmare About Watching Innocent Iraqi Women Minding Their Own Business
11/26/2019 - ‘Do You Mind If I Put You In My TikTok?’ Asks Younger Cousin About To Ruin Your Life
11/26/2019 - Ant Flees Across State Line Carrying Big Crumb
11/26/2019 - Tips For Staying Healthy During The Holiday Season
11/26/2019 - Pope Condemns Nuclear Weapons In Hiroshima
11/26/2019 - Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
11/26/2019 - Truth or Derelict
11/26/2019 - Johnson & Johnson CEO Idly Wonders How Much Money He’d Make Off National Tylenol Epidemic
11/26/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 26, 2019
11/25/2019 - Mitt Romney Retires To Fainting Couch After Suggesting Trump May Be Acting Ignobly
11/25/2019 - Devin Nunes Involved In Push For Ukraine Biden Investigation
11/25/2019 - Facial Recognition Software Knows It Has Seen Man Before But Can’t Remember His Name
11/25/2019 - Celebrate ‘Attack On Titan’ With These Incredible Fan Drawings Of Eren Yeager That Have Nothing Whatsoever To Do With Video Games
11/25/2019 - Disney Attempts To Soften Corporate Image By Introducing New Baby Bob Iger
11/25/2019 - Typical American Teen Struggles To Balance Demands Of School, Pansexual Orgies, And Drug Raves
11/25/2019 - Coldplay To Skip Tour Due To Environmental Concerns
11/25/2019 - Groundbreaking Chef Transforms Culinary World With Choice To Use Fresh, High-Quality Ingredients
11/25/2019 - Terrifying New Therapist Asks Why You Chose That Chair
11/22/2019 - Kyrie Irving Debuts Signature Shoe Inspired By RFID Chips Government Secretly Implants In Anesthetized Patients
11/22/2019 - Israeli Prime Minister Indicted
11/22/2019 - Bruno Mars: In His Own Words, On Our Front Porch, Refusing To Leave
11/22/2019 - Child Wondering Why Older Brother Only One To Get Funeral
11/22/2019 - Yes, Gandhi’s ‘Civilization VI’ Outfit Is Sexy, But It Would Be Seriously Impractical On A Real Battlefield
11/22/2019 - ‘I Could Spare Some Change,’ Says Man About To Become Buttigieg Campaign’s Top Black Donor
11/22/2019 - Lawsuit Claims Burger King Impossible Burgers Contaminated With Meat
11/22/2019 - Man Checking If Chicken Wings Got Hot Enough In Microwave Like First Responder Searching For Pulse
11/22/2019 - Veterinarian Wishes Owner Would Just Let Dog Answer One Goddamn Question
11/22/2019 - The Worst Snowstorms In U.S. History
11/22/2019 - Plan B Unveils New Line Of Space-Time Wormholes To Prevent Intercourse From Ever Happening
11/22/2019 - Smiling, Knife-Wielding Marie Kondo Orders Followers To Leave Behind Cluttered Physical Forms
11/21/2019 - Highlights Of The Fifth Democratic Debate
11/21/2019 - Congress Approves $3 Billion In Military Aid For Netanyahu To Defend Self Against Israeli Justice System
11/21/2019 - Trump Honors War Criminal With Presidential String Of Human Ears
11/21/2019 - Sondland Testifies He Pressured Ukraine Into Biden Investigation
11/21/2019 - Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master
11/21/2019 - Only Person Who Ever Truly Saw World For What It Is Starts Antidepressant Medication
11/21/2019 - Sweating, Grunting Mike Pence Straining To Rapture Himself Before Impeachment Inquiry Goes Any Further
11/21/2019 - Matthew Stafford Admits He’d Play Through Back Injury For Better Team Than Lions
11/21/2019 - DNC Server Celebrates Escape From U.S. Jurisdiction Surrounded By Bikini-Clad Women On Yacht In Black Sea
11/21/2019 - ‘I’ll See You In Hell,’ Says Giuliani Slamming Door On Spirit Of St. Louis In Smithsonian Exhibit
11/21/2019 - ‘Frozen 2’ Creators Confirm That Elsa Gay But Also Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist
11/21/2019 - Democrats Hold Fifth Presidential Debate
11/21/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’
11/20/2019 - Clippers Ask Everyone To Keep It Down While They Rest Kawhi Leonard
11/20/2019 - Two Charged In Epstein Death
11/20/2019 - ‘Hey, Are You Gonna Let Me Talk?’ Shouts Rudy Giuliani Debating Fox News Recap Of Sondland Testimony
11/20/2019 - Awesome Tie-In: Thousands Of Dock Workers Across America Have Been Driving Forklifts As An Apparent Shadow Promotion For ‘Shenmue 3’
11/20/2019 - Trump Tries To Doxx Impeachment Inquiry By Tweeting Address Of Capitol Building
11/20/2019 - ‘I Yield The Remainder Of My Time To You, The Viewer At Home,’ Says Adam Schiff During Impeachment Hearing Before Staring Into Camera For 3 Minutes
11/20/2019 - Cory Booker Taken Aback To Find Dozens Of Pictures Of Himself On Buttigieg Campaign Flyers
11/20/2019 - Robust UTI Culture The Closest Woman Going To Get To Bringing Life Into World
11/20/2019 - Bengals Assure Injury Prone Tua Tagovailoa He Can Have Any Of Andy Dalton's Organs
11/20/2019 - Chick-Fil-A Ending Donations To Anti-LGBTQ Organizations
11/20/2019 - Health Department Gives Tyson Plant ‘D’ Grade After Discovering Raw Chicken Contaminating Nearly Every Surface
11/20/2019 - Biggest Revelations From The Anonymous Trump Official’s New Book
11/20/2019 - Ornithologists Awarded $10 Million Grant To Research Whether That Big Bird Up There A Hawk
11/19/2019 - Kanye West Debuting Opera
11/19/2019 - Report Confirms That Being Unable To Keep Track Of Mass Shootings Technically Counts As Not Giving Attention To Shooters
11/19/2019 - Literary Historians Discover Hemingway’s Dad Bulk Purchased 70,000 Copies Of ‘The Sun Also Rises’ To Get Son On Bestseller List
11/19/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Frozen II’
11/19/2019 - FBI Solving 80% More Cases After Getting Great Big Magnifying Glass
11/19/2019 - Jim Jordan Arrives In Congress Displaying Even More Casual Look
11/19/2019 - Bloomberg Apologizes For Stop And Frisk
11/19/2019 - Bin There, Done That
11/19/2019 - ‘Reflationary Boom Incapable Of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery,’ Announces Finance Article That Actually About Your Entire Savings Being Wiped Out
11/19/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 19, 2019
11/18/2019 - British Media Harshly Condemns Meghan Markle For Prince Andrew’s Defense Of Jeffrey Epstein
11/18/2019 - Pete Buttigieg Jumps To First Place In Iowa
11/18/2019 - Trump Declares He’s Healthier Than Ever While Addressing Rally Crowd From Iron Lung
11/18/2019 - Buttigieg Campaign Appeals To Moderate Republicans By Touting Low Approval Among Black Voters
11/18/2019 - Biologists Recommend Trees Put Aside A Little Phosphorus For Unexpected Emergencies
11/18/2019 - ‘I’m In Witness Protection—I Mean, Doctor, I Work At Doctor,’ Says New Neighbor
11/18/2019 - Safety Experts Recommend Shouting ‘Free Donuts’ Instead Of ‘Rape’ To Receive Help More Quickly
11/18/2019 - Chinese Users Employing PornHub To Criticize Hong Kong Protesters
11/18/2019 - Spider Panics After Losing Track Of Human It Noticed Scurry Across Floor
11/17/2019 - Guy Who Had Least To Do With Play’s Success Celebrating The Most
11/17/2019 - Fox Preempts Jets-Redskins Game In First Quarter For More Exciting Shot Of Empty ‘NFL Sunday’ Studio
11/15/2019 - Unclear Which Beach House Song This Is, Reports Lead Singer Of Beach House
11/15/2019 - Pelosi Suggests Trump Committed Bribery
11/15/2019 - NFL Rescinds Myles Garrett Suspension After Review Footage Clearly Shows Mason Rudolph’s Punchable Fucking Face
11/15/2019 - How Political Ads Are Made
11/15/2019 - Colin Kaepernick’s Agents Assure Teams His CTE Has Progressed Just As Much As Other Players Over 3-Year Hiatus
11/15/2019 - Yovanovitch Testifies That She Was Removed To Make Way For Corrupt Back Channel But Gets If No One Cares About Anything Anymore
11/15/2019 - Full Trump Transcript Includes 37 Pages Of Confused President Mashing Fingers Against Dial Pad While Ukrainian President Tries To Speak
11/15/2019 - ‘Jedi Fallen Order Is A
Star Wars
Game Through And Through,’ And 8 Other Lines Of Praise Electronic Arts Strongly Suggested We Use In Our Review
11/15/2019 - Flu Outbreak Reduces Class Sizes To Level Appropriate For Learning
11/15/2019 - Disappointing: Microsoft Confirmed That Project Scarlett Is Actually Just A Brothel They’re Building In Thailand Where Xboxes Can Go To Be Pleasured
11/15/2019 - Report: Some Company Called Scampr Already Lost $12.5 Billion At Launch And Has Gone Bankrupt
11/15/2019 - Tips For Playing ‘Pokémon Sword And Shield’
11/15/2019 - Beautiful, Brilliant, Iconic: Now It’s Michelle Obama’s Turn To Say Something Nice About Us.
11/15/2019 - Six Flags Unsure If They Need To Apologize For Parkgoer Who Managed To Get Decapitated By Bumper Cars
11/15/2019 - More Americans Now Surviving Lung Cancer
11/14/2019 - Magnanimous MLB Awards MVP To Hardworking Stadium Concession Staffers
11/14/2019 - Area Man Loads Up On Half-Priced Armistice Day Candy
11/14/2019 - ‘Washington Post’ Impeachment Critic Gives Insipid Day One Inquiry 2 Out Of 5 Andrew Johnsons
11/14/2019 - Venice Facing Worst Flood Tide In Years
11/14/2019 - Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
11/14/2019 - Deval Patrick Acquires High Favorability Numbers, Good Iowa Polling After Leveraged Buyout Of Buttigieg Campaign
11/14/2019 - Woman Knows Husband Just Acting Affectionate Because He Wants Food
11/14/2019 - Paralyzed Mike Pence Lies Against Bathroom Wall For Hours After Encountering Doorknob That Looks Like Female Breast
11/14/2019 - Girlfriend Must Have Been Drinking When She Texted Picture Of Knitted Scarf At Midnight
11/14/2019 - Amazon Launching Own Grocery Store
11/14/2019 - Husband Returning Late At Night Accidentally Killed By Frightened Google Home
11/14/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Charlie’s Angels’
11/14/2019 - ‘Pokémon’ Fans Are Up In Arms With Game Freak’s Refusal To Include A National Sex Offender Registry In ‘Sword and Shield’
11/13/2019 - Fan Wishes Team Was Sponsored By A Cooler Corporation
11/13/2019 - Brutal Arctic Blast Sweeping Across Country
11/13/2019 - Police Officer On Desk Duty Placed On Empty-Room Duty After Brutally Beating Drawer
11/13/2019 - Paraguay Panics After Discovering Rich Deposit Of Natural Resources
11/13/2019 - Mean Tweets
11/13/2019 - Precocious 5-Year-Old Already Holding Long, Pointless Business Meeting With Stuffed Animals
11/13/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Nikki Haley
11/13/2019 - Public Phase Of Impeachment Hearings Begin
11/13/2019 - Crack Of Gunfire Resounding Through Office Gives Woman Perfect Cover She Needs To Bite Into Crisp Apple
11/13/2019 - Amazon Encourages Drivers To Deliver Packages Faster By Strapping Cinder Block To Truck’s Accelerator
11/13/2019 - Busboy Father Works Hard Every Day To Take Food Off The Table For His Family
11/13/2019 - Sacramento Pledges To Power Arena With 100% Windmill Dunk Energy By 2030
11/13/2019 - Features Of Disney Plus
11/12/2019 - Disney Plus Apologizes For Apparently Being All That Some Actual Adults Have
11/12/2019 - Tiny, Rejuvenated Jimmy Carter Emerges From Pile Of Ashes After Aged Ex-President Bursts Into Flames
11/12/2019 - Sean Spicer Takes Job In Trump Administration To Help Public Forget Humiliating ‘Dancing With The Stars’ Tenure
11/12/2019 - Hong Kong Police Shoot And Injure Protester
11/12/2019 - College Freshman Annoyed About Having To Room With 47-Year-Old Adjunct Professor
11/12/2019 - Miscalculating Contestant Rushes To Cross Out ‘Fuck Alex Trebek’ Final Jeopardy Answer After Seeing Goodwill From Previous Contestant
11/12/2019 - Disney Plus Suffers Miserable Debut After Tennis Channel Launches Streaming Service On Same Day
11/12/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The Crown’ Season 3
11/12/2019 - Young Blood Transfusion Startup Reopens
11/12/2019 - Pack Members Worried Young Wolf May Be Sociopath After He Mauls Rabbit
11/12/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 12, 2019
11/11/2019 - Dalai Lama Triumphantly Names Successor After Discovering Woman With ‘The Purpose Of Our Lives Is To Be Happy’ Twitter Bio
11/11/2019 - Michael Bloomberg Set For 2020 Run
11/11/2019 - Officials Say Outbreak Of Australian Wildfire May Have Spread From Engulfed Passenger Traveling From U.S.
11/11/2019 - Mom Casually Rattles Off The Names, Ages Of Alec Baldwin’s Children
11/11/2019 - BREAKING: You Wanna Fucking Go?
11/11/2019 - United Airlines Announces Plan To Take Over Lolita Express Routes
11/11/2019 - Fascinating History: The Director Of The Original ‘Silent Hill 2’ Just Revealed That The Game’s Iconic Fog Was A Workaround To Hide All The ‘Dilbert’ Strips They Couldn’t License
11/11/2019 - Cocky Atom That Started Out In Cosmos-Shattering Supernova Reduced To Humble Role In Urine Puddle
11/11/2019 - Newly Pregnant Woman A Little Too Quick To Remind Everyone She Gets To Have One Glass Of Wine A Week
11/11/2019 - Congo Warlord Sentenced To 30 Years For War Crimes
11/10/2019 - Grizzled, White-Bearded Donald Driver Emerges From 7-Year-Long Lambeau Leap
11/10/2019 - Referee Reviewing Replay Excited To See Self On TV
11/10/2019 - Lions Switch To No-Coverage Defense To Prevent Mitch Trubisky From Losing Starting QB Job
11/8/2019 - Judge Orders Trump To Pay $2 Million For Charity Misuse
11/8/2019 - Icy Road Conditions Lead To Multi-Deer Pileup On Highway
11/8/2019 - ‘The Onion’ Launches New Cover-Up Desk To Suppress Today’s Most Damning Stories
11/8/2019 - ABC News Fires Hot Mic For Converting Sound Waves Of Anchor Revealing Network Spiked Epstein Story
11/8/2019 - Hallmark Apologizes For Role In Supplying Third Reich With Greeting Cards
11/8/2019 - Tips For Testifying Before Congress
11/8/2019 - Jim Jordan Condemns Richard Strauss For Masturbating Right Before Big Match
11/8/2019 - Performance Art Thieves Rappel From MoMa Ceiling To Steal Nude Marina Abramović Whipping Self With Flaming Rose
11/8/2019 - Big Tech Donates Billions To Help With California Housing
11/8/2019 - ‘New Day, Same Bullshit,’ Whispers Dalai Lama Before Slapping On Smile To Greet The Masses
11/8/2019 - 5 Things To Know About The Controversies Surrounding Jeffrey Epstein
11/8/2019 - Recently Divorced Dad Waiting For Right Time To Introduce Children To Woman He Hooked Up With Last Night
11/8/2019 - Ahoy, Weekender Junior Explorers! Can You Find This Issue’s Hidden Penis?
11/8/2019 - Tips For Getting Started On ‘Death Stranding’
11/7/2019 - ‘No, God, No!’ Screams Agonized James Dean Disappearing From Heaven As Filmmakers Finish Constructing CGI
11/7/2019 - Democrats Make Major Gains In Virginia, Kentucky Elections
11/7/2019 - Gates Foundation Pledges $25 Billion To Eradicate Whatever Disease Drives People To Support Taxing The Rich
11/7/2019 - DNC Leaders Bury Heads In Hands After New Moderate Presidential Recruit Immediately Walks Into Oncoming Traffic
11/7/2019 - Man Watches Video About Habits Of Effective Artists So He Too Can Be Effective Artist
11/7/2019 - How To Handle Gossip In The Workplace
11/7/2019 - Bar Fight De-Escalates After Both Parties Unable To Tear Off T-Shirts
11/7/2019 - Billions Of Blessed Souls Forced To Wander Earth During Heavenly Fumigation
11/7/2019 - NASA Sends Oven For Cookies To Space
11/7/2019 - Audience Participant Feels Like Drag Queen Deliberately Misconstruing His Answers
11/7/2019 - I Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax Shepard
11/6/2019 - Ford CEO Worried He Never Bringing Back Jobs He Outsourced
11/6/2019 - Sondland Changes Testimony To Confirm Quid Pro Quo Claims
11/6/2019 - NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape
11/6/2019 - U.S. Gives Formal Notice Of Exit From Paris Accords
11/6/2019 - Report: Little Help Here?
11/6/2019 - Republicans Demand Whistleblower Reveal Their Identity In A Wide Open Field Where There’s A Clear Shot
11/6/2019 - Catholic Priest Stuck In Remote Backwater Town Thinking About Molesting Kid Just To Get Transferred
11/6/2019 - Timeline Of U.S.–Syria Relations
11/6/2019 - ‘Ooh, Right In The Bean Bag,’ Says Wincing Surgeon Through Every Step Of Vasectomy
11/5/2019 - 5 States Hold Major Elections
11/5/2019 - NYC Opens $500 Million Decoy Subway Station To Catch Turnstile Jumpers
11/5/2019 - Bad News, Gamers! ‘Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020’ Will Be The Last Game
11/5/2019 - Hardline Pastry Chef Displays American Flag With Raspberry Cream Stripe To Honor Sacrifices Bakers Make Every Day
11/5/2019 - Sperms And Conditions
11/5/2019 - How To File A Lawsuit
11/5/2019 - Visa Introduces New Preloaded Debt Card
11/5/2019 - Sanders Calls His Medicare-For-All Plan ‘Much More Progressive’ Than Warren’s
11/5/2019 - Coworker Apparently Just Going To Stare At Lunch In Microwave For Entire 3-Minute Cook Time
11/5/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 5, 2019
11/5/2019 - Maintaining The Mystery: To Avoid Spoiling ‘Death Stranding,’ Kojima Productions Has Canceled The Game At The Last Minute
11/4/2019 - ‘America Needs To Dream Bigger,’ Declares Aaron Sorkin To Burberry Employee Who Informed Him Coat He Wanted Out Of Stock
11/4/2019 - ‘The Onion’ Announces New Nationwide Literacy Program Encouraging Kids To Read ‘The Onion’ For An Hour A Day
11/4/2019 - CNN Responds To Richard Spencer Comments By Apologizing For Not Getting Him To Say Those Things On The Show
11/4/2019 - Popeyes Fried Chicken Sandwich Returns
11/4/2019 - Man Spends Hours Surfing Internet Rather Than Dealing With Real Pressing Issues In ‘Harvest Moon: Light Of Hope’
11/4/2019 - Report: It Going To Take A Lot More Than ‘Love Shack’ To Bring Wedding Guest Out To Dance Floor
11/4/2019 - Timeline Of Studies On The Effects Of Eating Meat
11/4/2019 - Cocktail Menu Scanned For Drink With Fewest Unfamiliar Ingredients
11/4/2019 - Elite Preschool Boasts 95% Of Graduates Go On To Kindergarten
11/3/2019 - Self-Conscious NFL Referee Practices Raising Both Arms In Front Of Bathroom Mirror Before Game
11/2/2019 - Adam Eaton Spends Nationals Parade In Secure Bunker As Team’s Designated Survivor
11/1/2019 - Nation Celebrates Halloween
11/1/2019 - New Exhibit At Dallas Visitor’s Center Focuses On Things That Went Right During JFK’s November 1963 Visit
11/1/2019 - House Formalizes Impeachment Proceedings
11/1/2019 - Man Who Has Not Owned Console Since 2009 Thoughtfully Scans Fifth ‘Death Stranding’ Review Of Day
11/1/2019 - TC Energy Says Keystone Pipeline Failed Due To Protestors Making It Lose Confidence In Itself
11/1/2019 - MSNBC Poll Finds Support For Bernie Sanders Has Plummeted 2 Points Up
11/1/2019 - ‘Sesame Street’ Introduces Paranoid-Schizophrenic Muppet To Educate Kids About Pat Sajak Stealing Your Empty Tuna Cans
11/1/2019 - NCAA To Allow Compensation For College Athletes
11/1/2019 - Reese Witherspoon: Sweaty And Loving It
11/1/2019 - ‘Someone’s In Here!’ Says Man In Restroom Asserting Own Existence For First Time In Months
11/1/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of October