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2019 October
10/31/2019 - Real-Life Van Helsing Runs Over Kid In Vampire Costume
10/31/2019 - Man Asks Every Trick-Or-Treater If They’re The Real Dracula Just In Case
10/31/2019 - Poll Shows Support For Impeachment Weakest Among Uncontacted Amazonian Tribes Who Know Nothing Of Our Ways
10/31/2019 - Woman Passing Out Candy Unsure Whether To Give Some To Teen Mom Too
10/31/2019 - Twitter Drops All Political Ads
10/31/2019 - Apple Introduces Eggplant Emoji Covered In Sores
10/31/2019 - ‘Hey You, Want To Be A Federal Judge?’ Says Mitch McConnell Pointing To Valet In Heritage Foundation Parking Lot
10/31/2019 - Nationals Admit World Series Win Would Be Way Sweeter If Franchise Was Still In Montréal
10/31/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The Irishman’
10/31/2019 - Federal Judge Blocks Alabama Abortion Ban
10/31/2019 - It’s Long Past Time For Jack-O’-Lanterns To Decide Once And For All If They Are On The Side Of Humans Or The Side Of Demons
10/31/2019 - ‘The Witcher’ Producers Assure Gamers Netflix Series Will Include All 400 Side Quests From ‘Wild Hunt’
10/30/2019 - Astros Fan Announcing Game 7 After Joe Buck Scalps Press Pass For $25,000
10/30/2019 - ‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today
10/30/2019 - Largest U.S. Coal Mining Company Files For Bankruptcy
10/30/2019 - Silicon Valley Leaders Sit Down With Wildfire At Investment Meeting After Being Impressed By Its Rapid Expansion
10/30/2019 - Pumpkin Carving Tips
10/30/2019 - Vindman Says Ukraine Transcript Left Out Lengthy Sections Of Trump Bragging About Time He Was In Pizza Hut Commercial
10/30/2019 - Should People Automatically Respect The Office Of The Presidency?
10/30/2019 - Man Breathes Sigh Of Relief As ‘Apple Recall’ Headline Just About Poisoned Fruit Shipped To 8 States
10/30/2019 - ExxonMobil Introduces New 8-Course Gasoline Tasting Menu For Luxury Cars
10/30/2019 - House To Vote On Impeachment Inquiry
10/30/2019 - Children’s Book Teaches Valuable Lesson About Being Circle
10/30/2019 - God Recalls Time He Pulled Wings Off Angel As Child
10/29/2019 - Lakers Forced To Play Half-Court Against Grizzlies As Wildfire Consumes South End Of Staples Center
10/29/2019 - Man Remembers Exactly Where He Was In ‘Final Fantasy X’ When He Heard About 9/11
10/29/2019 - ISIS Leader Killed In U.S. Raid
10/29/2019 - Bernie Sanders Holds Secret Campaign Meeting With 15,000 Working-Class Democratic Donors
10/29/2019 - Congress Clears Boeing Of All Wrongdoing After Being Appointed Very Special Junior Pilots
10/29/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Terminator: Dark Fate’
10/29/2019 - The Situation Is Getting Syria-ous
10/29/2019 - Study Finds Global Warming Accelerating Formation Of Polar Fire Caps
10/29/2019 - U.S. Deficit Hits $984 Billion
10/29/2019 - Exterminator Composes Self In Driveway So Kids Won’t Know He Saw Cricket Die At Work Today
10/29/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 29, 2019
10/28/2019 - ISIS Member Unsure Whom To Submit PTO Request To
10/28/2019 - ‘Again, Again, Again!’ Exclaims Clapping, Grinning Trump After Sixth Time Watching Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Death Video
10/28/2019 - Trump Organization Considering Selling D.C. Hotel
10/28/2019 - Desperate, Cash-Strapped Biden Selling Hand Formerly Shaken By Obama
10/28/2019 - Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock Him Up’ At Melania
10/28/2019 - Deal Alert: You Can Save $60 By Exhibiting Some Fiscal Responsibility For Once In Your Life And Not Buying The New ‘Call Of Duty’
10/28/2019 - New Car Already Has That Old McDonald’s Smell
10/28/2019 - Greatest Genius In Cow History Killed, Eaten
10/28/2019 - Milestone In Polio Elimination Reached
10/28/2019 - Taquitos Finally Hatch After Days Under Heat Lamp
10/28/2019 - Matt Damon Begrudgingly Accepts $50 In eBay Auction For ‘The Martian’ Cast And Crew Jacket
10/27/2019 - Fair-Weather Bills Fan Not Even Banned From Stadium
10/27/2019 - Dad Reports Old Guy Being Honored On Field Always Choked In Playoffs
10/25/2019 - Tim Ryan’s Wife Puts On Strained Smile As Former Candidate Spends Dinner Speculating On Whose VP He’ll Be
10/25/2019 - Report: Make It Stop
10/25/2019 - Sympathetic Representatives Let Lindsey Graham Into Impeachment Hearing After It Becomes Clear He Came To Disrupt It Alone
10/25/2019 - White House Urges Federal Agencies To Cancel ‘New York Times,’ ‘Washington Post’ Subscriptions
10/25/2019 - ‘What About All The Good Times?’ Says Cornered President Calling On Nation To Remember Covfefe And The Saudi Arabia Orb
10/25/2019 - Out-Of-Work Robert Mueller Opens Investigation Into Whether Squirrels Knowingly Ate From Bird Feeder
10/25/2019 - Pope Francis Teaches Parishioners Dangers Of Sinning By Showing Them Cross Section Of Black, Desiccated Soul
10/25/2019 - California Combatting Wildfire Risk By Shutting Off Oxygen To Thousands Of Residents
10/25/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Kanye West’s ‘Jesus Is King’
10/25/2019 - Dumbass Apple Picker Goes For Overripe McIntosh Red When Pink Lady Cleary Best Option Given The Topography, Time Of Harvest
10/25/2019 - Teens Frantically Cleaning Up Mess From Homicide Before Vacationing Parents Return
10/25/2019 - Scientists Train Rats To Drive Tiny Cars To Collect Food
10/25/2019 - Making Amends: Blizzard Added A Drawing Of Xi Jinping Getting Pinched On The Ass By A Crab To All Spawn Rooms On Overwatch’s Lijiang Tower Map
10/25/2019 - Internet Cat Has Girth That One Might Say Is Unusual Among His Species
10/25/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Getting A Flu Shot
10/24/2019 - Researchers Discover Referees Evolved Stripes To Warn Predators Against Pass Interference
10/24/2019 - Concerned Charlize Theron Fans Raise Millions For What Must Be Serious Medical Bills After Seeing Actress In Budweiser Ad
10/24/2019 - New ‘Westworld’ Trailer Teases Long-Awaited Arrival Of Dramatic Stakes
10/24/2019 - MIT Researchers Make Breakthrough On Marionette Strings That Allow Paralyzed Man To Walk
10/24/2019 - Anonymous ‘New York Times’ Op-Ed Writer To Publish Trump Book
10/24/2019 - Trump Ties Thousands Of Balloons To White House Roof In Attempt To Sail Away From Impeachment Inquiry
10/24/2019 - Republicans Storm National Statuary Hall, Demand To Be Allowed Into Elijah Cummings’ Casket
10/24/2019 - A.J. Hinch Warns Astros If They Lose World Series All The Hurricanes Will Come Back
10/24/2019 - Tips For Applying To Graduate School
10/24/2019 - Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Believe In Snoopy
10/24/2019 - Premiums Drop Sharply For Popular Obamacare Plans
10/24/2019 - Dak Prescott Gains 80 Pounds, Moves Back In With Parents To Prepare For Role In Chunky Soup Ad
10/24/2019 - Man Lowers Carbon Footprint By Bringing Reusable Bags Every Time He Buys Gas
10/23/2019 - Pelicans HR Informs Zion Williamson Knee Surgery Not Covered By Insurance Until 90 Days Into First Season
10/23/2019 - Trudeau Wins Second Term
10/23/2019 - Walls Of Congress Dissolve Into Endless Blue Void As Zuckerberg Informs Lawmakers There No Way To Escape Facebook
10/23/2019 - How Financial Bubbles Work
10/23/2019 - WeWork HR Invites Employees To Sign Goodbye Checks For Departing CEO
10/23/2019 - Chicago Promises Teachers Union It Will Reduce Class Sizes By Sending More Students To Jail
10/23/2019 - Nation’s Moms Get Started On Their Sorta-Funky Witch Costumes
10/23/2019 - ‘So People Could Be Listening To This Conversation Right Now?’ Asks Joe Rogan Trying To Understand Edward Snowden’s Explanation Of Surveillance
10/23/2019 - Kanye West Scrambling To Get Sample Clearance From God Ahead Of ‘Jesus Is King’ Release
10/23/2019 - Chemists Announce Upgraded Periodic Table With Dozens Of New Elements For Just $4 A Month
10/23/2019 - Poll Finds Buttigieg Rises To Third Place In Iowa
10/23/2019 - Badass Adult Education Student Spends Whole Vegetarian Cooking Class Mouthing Off
10/22/2019 - Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ Over Anti-Goofus Bias
10/22/2019 - Secret Service Opens Fire On Section Of Slippery Floor That Attempted To Take Out President Carter
10/22/2019 - Trump Apologizes For Impeachment Comment After Learning Disturbing History Of 1918 Lynching Of German American Immigrant Robert Prager
10/22/2019 - Kidnapper Pleasantly Surprised To Find Word ‘Ransom’ In Magazine He Cutting Letters Out Of
10/22/2019 - Netanyahu Fails To Form New Israeli Government
10/22/2019 - Leaftime Achievement Adored
10/22/2019 - Jimmy Carter Forced To Remove Dozens Of Genital Piercings Before Entering MRI Machine
10/22/2019 - Pelicans Doctors Recommend Zion Williamson Drop Some Height To Lessen Stress On Injured Knee
10/22/2019 - Area Woman Will Have To Be Way More Fucking Pregnant Than That If She Wants To Be Offered Subway Seat
10/22/2019 - C.C. Sabathia: ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On The Career Of The Hardest-Working Belt In Baseball
10/22/2019 - Bus Tour Takes Fans Down Iconic ‘Joker’ Stairs
10/22/2019 - How To Know If Someone’s Lying To You
10/22/2019 - Tragic: The Man Who Tried To Bring Attention To The Crisis Of Gaming Lag By Sailing Across The Ocean On A PS4 Has Already Drowned
10/22/2019 - Poll: Fewer Americans Identifying As Religious
10/22/2019 - Newly Discovered Scrolls Suggest Jesus Devoured Twin Messiah In Womb
10/22/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 22, 2019
10/21/2019 - Scientists Discover Oil Originally Buried Deep Underground By Early Humans Desperate To Shield Humanity From Its Consequences
10/21/2019 - Study Finds Medical Marijuana Effective For Treating Long-Term Pain Over Jerry Garcia’s Death
10/21/2019 - Energy Secretary Rick Perry Resigns
10/21/2019 - Assad Starting To Feel Like Friendship With Tulsi Gabbard One-Sided After She Calls Just To Complain About The Election Again
10/21/2019 - New ‘Watchmen’ Series Features Bearded, Pretentious Graphic Novelist Constantly Complaining About How New Characters Ruining Everything
10/21/2019 - Mark Zuckerberg Argues High Taxes On Wealthy Could Stifle Innovation In Human Suffering
10/21/2019 - Director Sadly States Cancel Culture Would Never Let You Make Zapruder Film In Today’s Climate
10/21/2019 - Drama Queen Waiter Completely Full of Shit About Plate Being Too Hot To Touch
10/21/2019 - Juul Halts Sale Of Fruit-Flavored E-Cigarettes
10/21/2019 - Community Holds Vigil Honoring Child Killed Before Having Opportunity To Return Fire
10/21/2019 - Paranoid Trump Surrounded By Completely Unfamiliar Faces Of Immediate Family Members
10/21/2019 - Everything You Need To Know About ‘Luigi's Mansion 3’
10/18/2019 - Music Buff Pissed ‘Come Josephine In My Flying Machine’ Left Off Pitchfork’s ‘Best Of The 1910s’ List
10/18/2019 - Trump Miami Resort To Host Next Year’s G-7
10/18/2019 - Mark Zuckerberg Announces All Of Facebook’s Future Decisions Will Be Made By The Cube Of Justice
10/18/2019 - New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth
10/18/2019 - Pete Buttigieg Tries Appealing To Moderate Boomers By Announcing He Doesn’t Agree With His Choice To Be Gay But Respects His Decision
10/18/2019 - Halloween Pop-Up Store Has Pick Of Every Storefront In Rust Belt Town
10/18/2019 - Trump Says Syria Situation ‘Not Our Problem’
10/18/2019 - Dad Figures Funeral Just As Good A Time As Any To Try Out New Camera Lens
10/18/2019 - Arguments For And Against Filming Live Performances
10/18/2019 - NFL Game Day Prepper Stockpiles Coolers Of Bud Light, Hundreds Of Pounds Of Grilled Meat In Underground Bunker
10/17/2019 - Mark Zuckerberg Delivers Free Speech Manifesto
10/17/2019 - Aggressive Flagellate Just Going Around Whipping Other Single-Celled Organisms
10/17/2019 - Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Like Homeless Man If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong
10/17/2019 - RoseArt Recalls Colored Pencils After Hundreds Of Kids Sucked Into Magical Drawing World
10/17/2019 - John Bolton Called Trump Ukraine Deal A ‘Drug Deal’
10/17/2019 - Resistance Democrats Cheer Nancy Pelosi After Viral Photo Surfaces Of Her Sitting Quietly And Deferring To Room Of Corporate Lobbyists
10/17/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil’
10/17/2019 - Cafe Patron Makes Humiliating Pass Through Lineup Of Empty Milk Carafes
10/17/2019 - Man Starting To Think Addams Family Not Like Other Families
10/16/2019 - PlayStation 5 Confirmed For Holiday 2020
10/16/2019 - ‘You’ll Never Take Me Alive!’ Shouts Giuliani Jumping Onto Chandelier And Immediately Falling 3 Stories
10/16/2019 - Highlights Of The Fourth Democratic Debate
10/16/2019 - Trump Supporter Comes Away From Democratic Debate With Pretty Clear Idea Of Which Candidate He’s Going To Kill
10/16/2019 - Cyberbullying Alert: Gamers Are Ganging Up To Harass This Defenseless Chinese Communist Party Leader
10/16/2019 - Scientists Pretending To Be Interested In Kicker Offering Up Brain For Research
10/16/2019 - Americans Tune Into Fourth Democratic Debate
10/16/2019 - Tulsi Gabbard Clearly Vying For Spot On 2020 Election Wikipedia Page
10/16/2019 - Gun Salesman Invites Customer To Take AR-15 For Spin Around Neighborhood
10/16/2019 - Pros And Cons Of Whistleblowing
10/16/2019 - Bounty Unveils New Ultra-Thin Paper Towels For More Natural Feeling While Wiping Up Spills
10/16/2019 - Man Can’t Look At Angel Flying Down From Heaven To Save Drowning Child And Not Feel Like There Must Be Some Higher Power Out There
10/15/2019 - Bernie Sanders Renounces Call For Economic Equality After Brush With Death Teaches Him Money Isn’t Everything
10/15/2019 - Tom Steyer Upgrades To Luxury-Class Debate Section With Hot Towels, Beverage Service
10/15/2019 - CNN Moderator Desk Crowded After 16 Pundits Qualify For Debate
10/15/2019 - ‘Oh Goddamnit,’ Says Pete Buttigieg After Realizing None Of Opponents Dressed Up For Pre-Halloween Debate
10/15/2019 - Blizzard Entertainment Faces Public Backlash For Banning Esports Champion
10/15/2019 - Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good
10/15/2019 - NBA Quietly Waiting For NFL To Fuck Up And Take Some Heat Off
10/15/2019 - Hunter Biden Admits It Was Poor Judgment To Be Involved With Corrupt Biden Family
10/15/2019 - 911 Operator Informs Black Caller That Death Is On The Way
10/15/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Zombieland: Double Tap’
10/15/2019 - State-Of-The-Art PA System Squandered On Lutheran Church
10/15/2019 - Dog Ownership Linked To Longer Life
10/15/2019 - Husky 9-Year-Old Claims Hotel Hot Tub As Own
10/15/2019 - Wings And A Pair
10/15/2019 - Patriotism FTW: ‘Call Of Duty: Mobile’ Will Now Only Allow Guns To Be Used By Players On American Side
10/15/2019 - Encouraged Marine Biologists Project Oceans Will Be Nice, Simmering Seafood Bisque By 2040
10/15/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 15, 2019
10/14/2019 - Shepard Smith Abruptly Departs Fox News
10/14/2019 - Report: You May Not Remember Mom’s Friend, But Mom’s Friend Sure Remembers You
10/14/2019 - Teen Could Go For A Big Huff Of Something Right Now
10/14/2019 - Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans
10/14/2019 - Jubilant ISIS Prisoners Hail American Liberators
10/14/2019 - Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately
10/14/2019 - ‘I Built This,’ Whispers Social Media Manager Beholding His Empire Of Successful Fuddruckers Tweets
10/14/2019 - Conspiracy Theory Wastes No Time Getting Racist
10/14/2019 - Report: Looks Like Ex Gained Some Weight Ever Since They Started Dating Someone Better
10/14/2019 - For Its 33rd Year, OGN Adamantly Refuses To Report On The Pinball Expo ‘Flip Out’ Tournament Or Any Pinball-Related News
10/14/2019 - CDC Finds STDs At All-Time High
10/14/2019 - Department Of Education Vows To Crack Down On Cocky Little Assholes Who Hand In Test Early
10/13/2019 - Kyler Murray Stuns On Field In New Platform Cleats
10/11/2019 - 2019 Nobel Prize Winners
10/11/2019 - Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Hands
10/11/2019 - ‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Brides
10/11/2019 - PG&E Makes Amends For Power Outages By Pumping Wires Full Of So Much Electricity That Plugging In Lamp Will Kill You
10/11/2019 - 2 Associates Of Giuliani Indicted On Campaign Finance Charges
10/11/2019 - Trump Flees Government Oppression By Relocating Administration To Remote Cabin Compound In Mountains Of Idaho
10/11/2019 - Preview: ‘Pokémon Sword and Shield’ Is Sadly Marred By The Addition Of Sponsored Content Pokémon Like Boo Berry, Pep Boy Moe, And Florida Orange
10/11/2019 - 3M Releases Command Self-Adhesive Meat Hooks For Serial Killers Trying To Reduce Clutter
10/11/2019 - Montgomery, Alabama Elects First Black Mayor
10/11/2019 - The Awful Baboon: How We Wish It Were Endangered
10/11/2019 - Timeline Of The GOP’s Relationship With Trump
10/10/2019 - Movie Theater Security Reports Suspicious Behavior After Patron Buys Ticket To ‘Gemini Man’
10/10/2019 - Biden Calls For Trump’s Impeachment
10/10/2019 - Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Together
10/10/2019 - PS5 vs. Xbox Project Scarlett: What We Know So Far
10/10/2019 - ‘They Can’t Arrest Both Of Us,’ Says Giuliani Handcuffing Himself To Times Square Pikachu
10/10/2019 - Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza
10/10/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie’
10/10/2019 - Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting
10/10/2019 - 3 Scientists Win Nobel Prize For Work On Nature Of Universe
10/10/2019 - Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady
10/10/2019 - Despondent Trump Drives Golf Cart Into Water Hazard
10/9/2019 - ‘At Least They Don’t Know About My Leaking, Prolapsed Anus,’ Thinks Devin Nunes Filing Lawsuit Against Mocking Twitter Accounts
10/9/2019 - Video Game Sword Master Teaches Pupil Unbeatable Secret Technique Of Backpedaling Away From Foes While Wildly Swinging Weapon
10/9/2019 - Trump Assures Kurds There Will One Day Be Very Nice Tree Planted In D.C. Commemorating Their Deaths
10/9/2019 - Dallas Cops Plant Black Suspect At Murder Scene
10/9/2019 - Trump Blocks U.S. Ambassador From Testifying To Congress
10/9/2019 - Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum
10/9/2019 - Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’
10/9/2019 - Timeline Of Healthcare In America
10/9/2019 - Job-Hunting Jay Gruden Frantically Scrubs Social Media Of Anything Associated With Redskins
10/9/2019 - Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Road
10/9/2019 - Trump Pulling U.S. Troops From Northern Syria
10/9/2019 - Trump Retweets Photo Of Supportive ‘Good Job, Donald’ Message He Carved Into Own Forehead
10/8/2019 - Juan Soto Sheepishly Asks Group Of Nationals Fans Entering Liquor Store If They Can Buy Beer For Him After Win
10/8/2019 - Chinese Officials Respond To NBA Controversy By Moving Millions Of Citizens To NHL Re-Fanification Camps
10/8/2019 - New Supreme Court Term To Take On Issues Including Gay Rights, Abortion
10/8/2019 - GOP Lawmakers Watch Silently As Trump Strangles Each Of Their Loved Ones In Turn
10/8/2019 - Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outback
10/8/2019 - Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’
10/8/2019 - NASA’s First All-Female Spacewalk To Happen This Month
10/8/2019 - Vicar Treat
10/8/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The Addams Family’
10/8/2019 - Man Who Constantly Brags About How Great He Is At Oral Tragically Good At It
10/8/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 8, 2019
10/7/2019 - Home Depot CEO Mulls Loosening Organization’s Celibacy Requirement
10/7/2019 - Banksy Painting Sells For Record $12.2 Million
10/7/2019 - Report: New Suit, Sir?
10/7/2019 - FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers
10/7/2019 - Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver
10/7/2019 - Trying Their Best: The ‘Gears Of War’ Twitter Account Just Posted A Tribute To Black History Month Even Though The Timing’s Way Off
10/7/2019 - Learning To Love Himself Getting Man Out Of A Lot Of Painful Self-Reflection
10/7/2019 - Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
10/7/2019 - Report: On Second Glance Guy On Bus Not Actually Stanley Tucci
10/7/2019 - Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy
10/7/2019 - Early Signs Of Heart Attack Mistaken For Runner’s High
10/6/2019 - Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Game
10/4/2019 - Nation’s Top Pseudoscientists Harness High-Energy Quartz Crystal Capable Of Reversing Effects Of Being Gemini
10/4/2019 - Trump Publicly Calls For China, Ukraine To Investigate Bidens
10/4/2019 - Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile
10/4/2019 - Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked
10/4/2019 - We Finally Found Where The Termites Are Coming From
10/4/2019 - Giuliani: ‘When The Going Gets Tough, I Can Always Look Back Fondly On The Events Of 9/11’
10/4/2019 - Vontaze Burfict Expresses Deep Regret For Letting Jack Doyle Live
10/4/2019 - Bag Of Cocaine Mostly Stems
10/4/2019 - New Patriotic Gatorade Ad Shows Terrorists Being Waterboarded With Gatorade
10/4/2019 - Investors Return To Saudi Arabia Year After Khashoggi Killing
10/4/2019 - Report: Katelyn To Keep Her Headphones In During Entire 2-Hour Drive To Soccer Game
10/4/2019 - Pros And Cons Of A Wealth Tax
10/4/2019 - Woman Walking Through Woods In Autumn Loves Crunch Of Freshly Fallen Birds Underfoot
10/3/2019 - FBI Warns ‘Downton Abbey’ Screenings Could Be Target For Shootings By Disgruntled Royalist
10/3/2019 - Sanders Cancels Campaign Events To Receive Heart Stents
10/3/2019 - Kamala Harris Undergoes Heart Surgery After Seeing Positive Reception For Sanders
10/3/2019 - Fisher-Price Recalls Dangerous 30-Foot-Tall High Chair
10/3/2019 - Worst Disease Outbreaks In U.S. History
10/3/2019 - ‘Please Guide Me In My Darkest Hour Lord,’ Prays Trump Kneeling Before Portrait Of Himself
10/3/2019 - Justin Trudeau Explains Deep Spiritual Significance Of Oil Pipelines Through Indigenous Lands
10/3/2019 - ‘Seinfeld’ Producers Reveal They Originally Planned To Kill Off Jerry In The Pilot
10/3/2019 - The Most Terrifying Horror Games Of All Time
10/3/2019 - Woman Holds Off Buying Herself New Headphones So Boyfriend Can Surprise Her With Shittier Version For Her Birthday
10/3/2019 - Excited CDC Employees Begin Decorating For Flu Season
10/3/2019 - Controversial New Guidelines Says No Need To Cut Back On Red Meat
10/3/2019 - New NCAA Rule Forces Athletes To Remove All Facial Features To Prevent Them From Profiting Off Likeness
10/3/2019 - Grandpa’s Dying Wish Only Legal In Vietnam
10/2/2019 - 5 Things To Know About Eugene Scalia
10/2/2019 - Amazon Issues Reminder To Employees About Bringing In Outside Thoughts To Work
10/2/2019 - Mark Zuckerberg Says He Will Sue If Elizabeth Warren Became President
10/2/2019 - Pompeo Clarifies Anyone In Country Can Listen In On Trump Administration Calls By Picking Up Phone, Dialing 9
10/2/2019 - Sanders Attributes Recovery To Thousands Of Small Blood Donations
10/2/2019 - ‘Are You The Whistleblower?’ Trump Boys Ask White House Janitor After Giving Him Serum Of All The Sodas Mixed Together
10/2/2019 - J. Lo, Shakira To Perform Super Bowl Halftime Show
10/2/2019 - His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult
10/2/2019 - Restaurant’s Happy Hour Deals Becoming Increasingly Desperate
10/2/2019 - Glade Introduces New Vanilla Passion Fruit Unmanned Aerial Application Vehicle
10/2/2019 - Pros And Cons Of E-Cigarettes
10/2/2019 - Crime Scene Has All The Different Types Of Cops
10/1/2019 - Trump Suggests Arresting Adam Schiff For Treason
10/1/2019 - Police Union Decries Egregious Carriage Of Justice In Amber Guyger Murder Conviction
10/1/2019 - New Facebook Terms Of Service Includes Compulsory Conscription Into Zuckerberg’s Upcoming War Against Government
10/1/2019 - Rudy Giuliani Subpoenaed Amidst Trump Impeachment Inquiry
10/1/2019 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Joker’
10/1/2019 - Nutritionists Report They Wouldn’t Have To Figure Out Which Foods Were Bad For You If Americans Just Ate Normal For Once
10/1/2019 - How To Get The Secret ‘Objective Failed’ Ending In ‘Gears 5’
10/1/2019 - Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home
10/1/2019 - 70-Year-Old Man Worried He Running Out Of Time To Have Kids
10/1/2019 - Bill Belichick Praises Patriots’ Discipline And Dedication In Building The Device
10/1/2019 - Rock Climber Dies Doing What He Was Kind Of Into For 6 Months
10/1/2019 - TSA To Phase Out Glue-Sniffing Dogs
10/1/2019 - Biz-Aria
10/1/2019 - Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Knee
10/1/2019 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 1, 2019
10/1/2019 - Our Annual Year: Best Of September