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2020 April
4/30/2020 - Man In Quarantine Can’t Remember How Long It’s Been Since He Danced Through Town Square Followed By Big Chorus Of Friendly Locals
4/30/2020 - Look, Brother, Sister Don’t Like That They’re Soulmates Either
4/30/2020 - Exhausted Parents Struggling To Limit Child’s Time Using Gun
4/30/2020 - Charles Barkley: ‘Michael Jordan Would Have Been Nothing Special Had He Played In My Day’
4/30/2020 - Bourgeois Pig Owns Ostentatious Glass Crafted Specifically To Hold Wine
4/30/2020 - Children’s Science Website Clearly Struggling To Come Up With 10 Facts About Slugs
4/30/2020 - Biden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves
4/30/2020 - Mike Pence Tours Mayo Clinic Without Mask
4/30/2020 - Disappointing: Experts Are Now Telling Us That All The Big Kisses We Did To The TV Screen While Princess Zelda Was On Never Got Through To Her
4/30/2020 - 10 Sexiest Photos Of Kates, Uptons
4/30/2020 - This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money
4/30/2020 - Tips For Dealing With Roommates During Coronavirus Isolation
4/30/2020 - Reports Of Kim Jong Un’s Health Creates Confusion Over Possible Successors
4/29/2020 - Thousands Of Pigs, Cattle Across Nation Stage Walkout Strike Following Trump’s Demands To Keep Meat Plants Open
4/29/2020 - America Surpasses 1 Million Confirmed Coronavirus Cases
4/29/2020 - Historical Timeline Of U.S. Employment
4/29/2020 - Republicans Ridicule Democrats For Caring As Little About Sexual Assault As They Do
4/29/2020 - Longtime Person Dead At 86
4/29/2020 - 5 Things To Know About The Paycheck Protection Program
4/29/2020 - Zoom Crasher Becomes Too Engrossed In Sales Meeting To Scream Obscenities
4/29/2020 - What To Cook While Social Distancing
4/29/2020 - Other Butter Companies Scramble To Fill Racism Void Left By Land-O-Lakes
4/29/2020 - Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines
4/29/2020 - 10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games
4/29/2020 - 9 Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence That Will Make You Reassess The Scope Of The 1986 Vienna Convention On The Law Of Treaties Between States And International Organizations
4/29/2020 - Vaccine Rates Plummet During Pandemic
4/29/2020 - Woman In Studio Apartment Jealously Watches Woman Standing On Balcony Jealously Watching Woman Relaxing In Yard
4/28/2020 - Undaunted Texas Waffle House Waitress Has Been Expecting To Die There Every Day For The Past 20 Years Anyway
4/28/2020 - Dog Screamed Into
4/28/2020 - One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest
4/28/2020 - Millions Of Texans Pop Out Of Barrels To Engage In Shootout After Governor Announces Reopening Of State
4/28/2020 - Airbnb Introduces New 24-Hour Vacancy Policy Between Guests
4/28/2020 - Jay Cutler’s Marriage Completion Percentage Drops To Zero
4/28/2020 - The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth
4/28/2020 - Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away
4/28/2020 - How Mutual Aid Groups Are Helping People During Coronavirus
4/28/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 28, 2020
4/28/2020 - Creatively Unfulfilled Hubble Telescope Transitions From Photography To Decoupage
4/28/2020 - Teleconferencing Pastor Requests Any Worshipper Currently Speaking In Tongues Go On Mute
4/28/2020 - Every Day Garbage Day For Garbage Man
4/28/2020 - Saudi Arabia Bans Public Floggings
4/27/2020 - ‘The Food Supply Chain Is Breaking Down,’ Screams Tyson CEO Being Swallowed Whole By Chicken
4/27/2020 - Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths
4/27/2020 - North Korean Media Report Kim Jong-Un In Best Health Of Life After Receiving Hundreds Of Heart Transplants
4/27/2020 - Chris Matthews Admits To Inappropriate Behavior During MSNBC Career
4/27/2020 - Cracker Barrel Booth Really Missed Moron’s Giant Ass
4/27/2020 - A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In ‘Call Of Duty: Warzone’
4/27/2020 - God Pins Up Hunky Shot Of Mesopotamian Hunting Deity As Inspiration To Start Working Out
4/27/2020 - 10 ‘Healthy’ Foods That Are Actually Bad For You
4/27/2020 - TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet
4/27/2020 - Occupation Drop-Down Menu Forces Man To Scroll Past List Of Every Existing Job Before He Can Select ‘Unemployed’
4/27/2020 - Las Vegas Mayor Suggests Using City As Coronavirus Control Group
4/27/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 27, 2020
4/27/2020 - The Best Anime Characters
4/26/2020 - Millions Of ‘Last Dance’ Viewers Hooked By Thrilling Benny The Bull Paternity Suit Story
4/24/2020 - ‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction
4/24/2020 - Report: Make It Stop
4/24/2020 - Hubble Space Telescope Celebrates 30 Years In Space
4/24/2020 - Effects Of Trump Halting Immigration
4/24/2020 - Report: Jogger Brushing Past You On Street Yesterday All It Took
4/24/2020 - Report: Majority Of Knocks At Study Door Occur At Precise Moment Finishing Touch Being Put On Delicate Scale Model
4/24/2020 - Everything You Need To Know About ‘Valorant’
4/24/2020 - 10 SIZZLING HOT Sex Tips
4/24/2020 - Burnt Piece Of Toast On Top Of Trash Serves As Humiliating Monument To Culinary Failures
4/24/2020 - Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked
4/24/2020 - Missouri Sues China Over Coronavirus Pandemic
4/23/2020 - 89-Year-Old Football Fan Still Finds It Surreal That Draftees Are Younger Than Him
4/23/2020 - Tampa Bay Also Acquires Deion Branch, Kevin Faulk, Troy Brown From Patriots
4/23/2020 - Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun
4/23/2020 - Sales Of Video Game Consoles Up During Pandemic
4/23/2020 - What To Watch While Social Distancing
4/23/2020 - Ramadan Begins
4/23/2020 - Baby Emerges From Game Of Peekaboo Wiser, More Reflective
4/23/2020 - Man Reaches First Of Dozens Of Breaking Points To Come
4/23/2020 - Wincing, Screaming Mom Feels Searing Pain In Head Every Time Daughter Across Country Wears Sock With Hole In It
4/23/2020 - 11 Surefire Signs
4/23/2020 - Top Prospects Of The 2020 NFL Draft
4/23/2020 - Lower Smog Levels Revealing Poorly Rendered Parts Of California
4/23/2020 - Effects Of Coronavirus On The U.S. Food System
4/23/2020 - Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine
4/22/2020 - Rob Gronkowski Hoping Bucs Trade For Tom Brady Too
4/22/2020 - Gronkowski Breaks 6 Tackles On Way Out Of Neurology Clinic To Finalize Trade With Tampa Bay
4/22/2020 - Shaggy, Curly-Nailed Georgia Governor Urges Salons To Reopen
4/22/2020 - Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive
4/22/2020 - Oil Paintings Plunge Into Negative Pricing As Market Overrun With Surplus Of Still Lifes
4/22/2020 - Nancy Pelosi Assures Democratic Reps They Don’t Need To Try Being Productive During Stressful Pandemic
4/22/2020 - Germany Cancels Oktoberfest Due To Coronavirus Fears
4/22/2020 - Silver Lining: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Been Delayed Indefinitely But The ‘Q*bert 50th Anniversary Collection’ Just Released 12 Years Early
4/22/2020 - 7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS
4/22/2020 - Report: Amazon Using Heat-Sensing Alien Hunters To Track Workers Attempting To Unionize
4/22/2020 - How To Fix America’s Protective Equipment Shortage
4/22/2020 - 5 Things To Know About The Oil Market Plummeting
4/22/2020 - Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination
4/22/2020 - Shortage Of Supplies Forces Surgeon To Wear Boxing Gloves For Operation
4/22/2020 - It Starting To Become Pretty Clear Just How Much Cruises Were The Bedrock Of Parents’ Marriage
4/22/2020 - 2020 Lyrid Meteor Shower Peaks This Week
4/21/2020 - If Woman Makes It Through This, She Finally Going To Wear Hat In Public
4/21/2020 - Shake Shack Returns $10 Million Loan Meant For Small Businesses
4/21/2020 - Supply Chain Breakdown Forces Ford To Leave Millions Of F-150s Rotting On Vine
4/21/2020 - Novak Djokovic Clarifies Anti-Vaccine Comments By Insisting He’s Always Supported Having Sponsors
4/21/2020 - Theoretical Commodities Trader Explodes Into Flash Of Pure Energy While Attempting To Buy Negative-Priced Oil
4/21/2020 - Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down Again
4/21/2020 - 10 Sandwiches That Look Like British Novelist Martin Amis
4/21/2020 - Stop The Pandemic, I Want To Get Off
4/21/2020 - Man Reminds Self Woman On Chiquita Banana Sticker Only Smiling At Him Because That’s Her Job
4/21/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 21, 2020
4/21/2020 - World Health Organization By The Numbers
4/21/2020 - Land O’ Lakes Displaces Innocent Native American
4/21/2020 - Russians Withdrew $13.6 Billion From ATMs Amidst Coronavirus Fears
4/21/2020 - Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work
4/20/2020 - More Americans Report Vivid, Violent Dreams During Pandemic
4/20/2020 - BP Celebrates 10th Anniversary Of Deepwater Horizon By Dyeing Gulf Of Mexico Black
4/20/2020 - Fully Recovered Chris Cuomo Gradually Realizing Family Never Going To Let Him Out Of Basement
4/20/2020 - CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask
4/20/2020 - A Timeline Of Marijuana
4/20/2020 - Marijuana And Criminal Justice
4/20/2020 - Marijuana Laws By State
4/20/2020 - Economic Impact Of Marijuana By The Numbers
4/20/2020 - The Health Effects Of Marijuana
4/20/2020 - Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2 Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers
4/20/2020 - Having Trouble Finding The Coelacanth In ‘Animal Crossing’? And You Expect Us To Help You, After All You’ve Done? It Would Be Beneath Us To Even Grant You Death, You Dog
4/20/2020 - Antsy Nursing Home Residents Counting Down Seconds Until They Can All Get Back To Fucking Each Other
4/20/2020 - 13 Most Common Questions Employers Will Ask At A Job Interview
4/20/2020 - Tour De France Postponed Until August
4/20/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 20, 2020
4/19/2020 - Regretful ‘The Last Dance’ Producers Realize They Probably Should’ve Tried To Interview Michael Jordan
4/17/2020 - Billions Of Viruses Gathered Outside Michigan State Capitol Call For End To Social Distancing Measures
4/17/2020 - Netflix Now Worth More Than Disney
4/17/2020 - Potential Ways For Sports To Restart During Coronavirus
4/17/2020 - Report: Rising Market Instability Driving More Countries To Peg Currencies To Akon’s Akoin
4/17/2020 - ‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil Fox News Appearances
4/17/2020 - How Popcorn Dethroned Hen-Of-The-Woods Mushrooms As The Iconic Movie Snack
4/17/2020 - Fox News Producer Tasked With Calculating How Long It Would Take To Get Kid Rock A Doctorate
4/17/2020 - ‘Salutations And Good Tidings!’ Blurts Out Man Speaking To Other Human For First Time In Days
4/17/2020 - Mental Health Walk Spent Being Glared At By Quarantined People In Windows
4/17/2020 - Pathetic Minimum-Wage Worker Devastated About Losing Job That Only Paid Couple Hundred Dollars A Week Anyway
4/17/2020 - Innovation FTW: New PS5 Controller Features Third Joystick You Operate With Your Tongue
4/17/2020 - Taiwanese Robot Baseball Fan Ejected For Yelling Slurs At Pitch Camera
4/17/2020 - Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators
4/17/2020 - British WWII Vet Raises Millions For NHS By Walking Laps Around Yard
4/17/2020 - The Greatest Moments In Slideshow History
4/16/2020 - Russian Roulette Champion Wouldn’t Let His Son Play Russian Roulette
4/16/2020 - Spring SAT Tests Cancelled Due To Pandemic
4/16/2020 - Alex Garland Recalls Discovering Personal Computers While Researching ‘Devs’
4/16/2020 - CEO Assures Employees He Doing Everything In His Power To Lay People Off
4/16/2020 - 5 Things To Know About ‘One World: Together At Home’
4/16/2020 - Answering The Call: Bungie Announced That Master Chief Is Available To Fight Coronavirus But Isn’t Sure How To Make That Happen
4/16/2020 - Names For William H. Macy Around The World
4/16/2020 - ‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity
4/16/2020 - Boyfriend Announces Plan To Spend Infuriating Afternoon Speaking In Australian Accent
4/16/2020 - Report: Probably Best Not To Even Think About Crazy Virus Currently Brewing Inside Axolotl
4/16/2020 - ‘Barber…I Was A Barber,’ Says Man Struggling To Recall Life Before Pandemic
4/16/2020 - Global Economy Expected To Shrink 3% Due To Pandemic
4/15/2020 - Supreme Court Will Hear Arguments Via Teleconference For First Time
4/15/2020 - Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
4/15/2020 - Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot
4/15/2020 - Lonely Pedophile Wistfully Surveys Deserted Schoolyard Playground
4/15/2020 - Americans Begin Receiving Stimulus Checks
4/15/2020 - Bulls Fire GM After 6-Week Winless Streak
4/15/2020 - Obama: ‘I’m So Proud To Endorse Joe Biden—That’s Who They Went With, Huh?—For President’
4/15/2020 - Grinning Tim Cook Announces New iPhone Will No Longer Be Compatible With AirPods
4/15/2020 - Pope Francis Finally Close To Finishing Bible
4/15/2020 - Biden’s Potential VP Picks
4/15/2020 - 8 Electrical Outlets That Would Love The Opportunity To Power A Coffee Maker
4/15/2020 - 9 Inconsistencies In The Mysterious Disappearance Of The Countess Wellington
4/15/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Reopening America Before Coronavirus Pandemic Ends
4/15/2020 - Fears Over Food Supply Grows After Nation’s Naughty Little Boys Sneak Into Reserve Stockpiles And Eat All The Sweets
4/14/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 14, 2020
4/14/2020 - Netflix Algorithm Suggests Viewer Who Enjoyed ‘Ozark’ Will Like Pretty Much Anything
4/14/2020 - DMT Researchers Advise Maintaining 6-Foot Distance From Own Body
4/14/2020 - Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes
4/14/2020 - Aetna Honors All The Brave Insurance Debt Collectors Continuing To Work In This Difficult Time
4/14/2020 - Trump Blasts Dr. Fauci Over Repeated Negative Remarks About Coronavirus
4/14/2020 - NASCAR Driver Suspended Indefinitely For Racial Slur During Livestream
4/14/2020 - Mike Pompeo Warns Iran Stockpiling Tubes To Build Ventilator
4/14/2020 - 3 Dogs; 2 Clever Backyard Projects; 4 Candy Bars You Forgot Existed; A Woman Drowning; 2 80s Hairstyles We Loved and 30 Entrepreneurs Under 30
4/14/2020 - Bib-Wearing Nation Holding Forks And Knives Impatiently Waiting For Restaurants To Reopen
4/14/2020 - The Onion’s Guide To Quibi
4/14/2020 - Postal Service Unveils Plan To Pay Debts With New $1 Trillion Stamp
4/14/2020 - Nation Breathes Sigh Of Relief After Learning Cast Of ‘Brockmire’ Wishes Them Well
4/14/2020 - Nerd Immunity
4/14/2020 - Julian Assange Secretly Fathered 2 Kids In Ecuadorian Embassy
4/13/2020 - Boris Johnson Released From Hospital After Stay In ICU
4/13/2020 - Desperate Red Cross Introduces New High-Powered Arm Juicer To Get Every Last Drop Out Of Donors
4/13/2020 - Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores
4/13/2020 - Pandas In Locked-Down Zoo Mate After 10 Years Of Trying
4/13/2020 - Historians Discover Declaration Of Independence Originally Intended As Outlet For Founders To Vent Privately
4/13/2020 - Bad News, Naughty Dog Fans: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again After Joel Was Arrested For Taking Pictures Of Kids At Local Playgrounds
4/13/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 13, 2020
4/13/2020 - 10 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Abducted And Murdered By Andie MacDowell
4/10/2020 - ‘I Can Still Cook This, Right,’ Asks Woman Holding Up Writhing, Screaming Potato With 8-Foot-Long Roots
4/10/2020 - Facebook Switchboard Operators Overwhelmed During High-Traffic Afternoon
4/10/2020 - European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End
4/10/2020 - Dr. Fauci Calls For End To Handshakes
4/10/2020 - 7 Times We Mistook Some Random Long-Haired Guy In The Sky For Jesus
4/10/2020 - Must See: The ‘Final Fantasy VII Remake’ Features The Gorgeous New Opening Film ‘Taxi Driver’
4/10/2020 - KitchenAid Introduces New High-Speed Countertop Chicken Decapitator
4/10/2020 - LEGO Unveils New 20,000-Piece Ventilator Set To Aid Supply Shortage
4/10/2020 - MUST SEE: 10 AMAZING, Totally WTF Brick Photos (NSFW)
4/10/2020 - Highlights Of ‘Tiger King’
4/10/2020 - One-Third Of American Renters Didn’t Pay On Time In April
4/9/2020 - ‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut
4/9/2020 - ‘New York Times’ Pledges To Cover Biden Sexual Assault Allegations In Upcoming Crossword
4/9/2020 - Zoom CEO Reclines Back In Chair In Front Of Massive Wall Of Screens Displaying 10 Million Live Video Feeds
4/9/2020 - Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away
4/9/2020 - Bernie Sanders Drops Out Of Presidential Race
4/9/2020 - Tips For Dating During Social Distancing
4/9/2020 - Furloughed SeaWorld Orca Trying To Make Ends Meet By Picking Up Trader Joe’s Shift
4/9/2020 - Black Man Shot By Police After Matching Description For Covid-19
4/9/2020 - 12 Top-Paying Jobs In The U.S.
4/9/2020 - CDC Releases Instructions For All Americans To Make Their Own Hospitals
4/9/2020 - Astronaut’s Estranged Wife Accused Of Lying About Space Crime
4/8/2020 - Undaunted Sanders Supporters Announce They’ll Continue Presidential Campaign Without Candidate
4/8/2020 - ‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity
4/8/2020 - European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera!
4/8/2020 - SeaWorld CEO Resigns After Furloughing 90% Of Workers
4/8/2020 - Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January
4/8/2020 - 5 Things To Know About Dr. Anthony Fauci
4/8/2020 - How Unemployment Benefits Work
4/8/2020 - NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018
4/8/2020 - ‘Just Go Home And Sleep It Off,’ Says Doctor To Coughing, Feverish Black Patient
4/8/2020 - Olympic Torchbearer Has Been Jogging In Place On Street Corner For Past 2 Weeks
4/8/2020 - 12 Shocking Table Corners We Wish We Could Unsee
4/8/2020 - Lady Gaga Announces Multi-Network Covid-19 Benefit Concert Telecast
4/7/2020 - Exhausting Every Other Way To Pass Time, Couple Begins Ranking Their Lamps
4/7/2020 - Black Man Followed In Store From Exactly 6 Feet Away
4/7/2020 - Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus
4/7/2020 - Allstate Returns Over $600 Million In Auto Premiums As Drivers Stay Home During Pandemic
4/7/2020 - Wisconsin Primary Voters Receive ‘I Voted’ Gravestones
4/7/2020 - Senator Kelly Loeffler Asks For Prayers After Losing $3 On Single Stock Due To Coronavirus
4/7/2020 - Grubby Hub
4/7/2020 - Tips For Cutting Your Own Hair
4/7/2020 - Ratings-Hungry Chris Cuomo Devotes Program To Interviewing 23 Other Cuomo Brothers
4/7/2020 - Uh, Thanks?: Sony Has Announced That PlayStation Plus Subscribers Can Download The Movie ‘Spanglish’ For Free During The Month Of April
4/7/2020 - 11 AMAZING Photos Of Doug Bramowski As He Slowly Realizes His Wife Is Having An Affair
4/7/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 7, 2020
4/7/2020 - Wisconsin Holds Democratic Primary Despite Coronavirus Concerns
4/6/2020 - European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price
4/6/2020 - Boris Johnson Released From Hospital After Defunding It, Shutting It Down
4/6/2020 - Georgia Governor Argues That Closing State’s Beaches An Attack On Citizens’ Fundamental Right To Get Wet ’N’ Wild
4/6/2020 - Crazed, Quarantined Mental Health Experts Recommend Scrawling ‘Everything Will Be Okay’ In Feces On Wall
4/6/2020 - Trump Admits 18 New States To Increase Competition For Medical Supplies
4/6/2020 - Scientists Announce They Have Probably Successfully Taught Sign Language To Snakes
4/6/2020 - Americans Urged To Make Their Own Face Masks
4/6/2020 - Surgeon General: ‘This Week Will Be Like Another Pearl Harbor—And Not In A Good Way, Either’
4/6/2020 - 15 Most Common Misspellings
4/6/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 6, 2020
4/6/2020 - NYPD Razes Central Park Hospital Tents For Violating Outdoor Encampment Laws
4/3/2020 - FDA Eases Restrictions On Blood Donations From Gay, Bisexual Men
4/3/2020 - Effects Of Coronavirus On The Internet
4/3/2020 - CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price
4/3/2020 - Coronavirus Task Force Member Receives Security Detail Following Threats
4/3/2020 - In God We Trust: The All-Time Sexiest Dimes
4/3/2020 - Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church
4/3/2020 - Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union
4/3/2020 - I Created The Microsoft Zune, Planned The Bay Of Pigs, And Designed The Challenger Shuttle: Here Is What The Democrats Must Do To Beat Trump In November
4/3/2020 - Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu
4/3/2020 - Remington Releases .000009 Millimeter Anti-Viral Bullet
4/3/2020 - 11 Dogs So Perfect They’ll Make You Google Your State’s Bestiality Laws
4/3/2020 - ESPN Execs: ‘Fuck It, Air The Dogfighting’
4/2/2020 - Spotify Launches App For Children
4/2/2020 - Los Angeles Mayor Urges Residents To Wear Face Masks, Lose 15 Pounds, Maybe Go Brunette
4/2/2020 - CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls
4/2/2020 - Woman Working From Home Not Sure She’ll Ever Be Able To Go Back To Regularly Wearing Bra, Dress, Big White Gloves, Minnie Mouse Head
4/2/2020 - Cousin Reluctantly Checked In On
4/2/2020 - Bidet Sales Skyrocket During Coronavirus Pandemic
4/2/2020 - ‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window
4/2/2020 - Events And Releases Delayed Due To Coronavirus
4/2/2020 - Quarantined Umpire Cleans His Entire Home With Tiny Brush
4/2/2020 - Check Out This Egg
4/2/2020 - BREAKING: This Is A Test Of
The Onion
’s Emergency Headline System
4/2/2020 - Golden Corral Introduces Carry-Out 150-Choice Buffet
4/1/2020 - Zoom App Sued For Sharing User Data
4/1/2020 - ‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms
4/1/2020 - Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules
4/1/2020 - CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door
4/1/2020 - Trojan Introduces New Anti-Anxiety Weighted Condoms
4/1/2020 - Pandemic Lockdowns Improve Air Quality Worldwide
4/1/2020 - Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them
4/1/2020 - How Coronavirus Has Changed The 2020 Primaries
4/1/2020 - Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement
4/1/2020 - Life Risked Once Again Purchasing Frozen Waffles
4/1/2020 - Video Games Are Officially Art! Andres Serrano Just Submerged A Copy Of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’ In A Jar Of Piss
4/1/2020 - Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate
4/1/2020 - Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine
4/1/2020 - It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote