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2020 December
12/30/2020 - Year In Review: The Onion’s Top Broken Links And Autoplaying Ads Of 2020
12/29/2020 - This One’s Just For The Foot Fetishists
12/28/2020 - Inspirational Mugs Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To See
12/26/2020 - 5,000-Foot Ball Of Discarded Packaging Material Barrels Across Nation Consuming Everything In Path
12/25/2020 - Child’s Delighted Face On Christmas Morning Not Even Close To Worth $200
12/24/2020 - How To Navigate The Holidays Alone
12/24/2020 - Logistics Of Eating Oversized Candy Cane Completely Overwhelming
12/24/2020 - Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
12/23/2020 - The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer
12/23/2020 - Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
12/23/2020 - ‘Come Home For Christmas Now,’ Whispers Dad As Enraged Mom Rips Stove, Dishwasher From Wall
12/22/2020 - The 4 Other Human Beings We Saw This Year
12/22/2020 - Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
12/22/2020 - The Onion Reviews ‘Wonder Woman 1984’
12/22/2020 - How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas
12/21/2020 - Humane Trap-And-Removal Program Sedates Tenants So They Unconscious During Eviction
12/21/2020 - Michigan Restaurant Server Asks Frozen Bodies Of Dining Couple On Outdoor Patio If They’d Like To See Dessert Menu
12/21/2020 - Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
12/21/2020 - State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions
12/21/2020 - Study: Christmas Still Most Unoriginal Day To Commit Suicide
12/21/2020 - Boat Filled With Cocaine Washes Ashore On Marshall Islands
12/18/2020 - Rowdy Company Zoom Party Ends With 2 Employees Fooling Around In Breakout Room
12/18/2020 - ‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against Wall
12/18/2020 - Recently Discovered Orchid Named Ugliest In The World
12/18/2020 - Robert Kennedy Jr. Offers To Get Autism On Camera To Prove Danger Of Vaccines
12/18/2020 - The Onion’s Holiday TV Guide: Movies And Shows To Watch This Season
12/18/2020 - Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
12/18/2020 - More Americans Opting To Deep Fry Christmas Tree This Year
12/18/2020 - Major League Baseball Adds Negro Leagues To Official Record
12/18/2020 - Life And Limbaugh
12/17/2020 - Disaster: Next-Gen Loading Screens Are Going Too Fast For Gamers To Read Tips And Tricks And Now Everyone Is Forgetting How To Play Video Games
12/17/2020 - Desperate AMC Touts Theaters As Nice Dark Places For Teens To Rub Each Other’s Genitals
12/17/2020 - Remote-Learning Student Praying It Snows Enough To Bring Down Internet Lines To Cancel School
12/17/2020 - MacKenzie Scott Donates $4.1 Billion To Charity
12/17/2020 - The Biggest Hints Our Sweetheart Dropped In 2020 That She’s A Selkie, The Woman-Seal Hybrid From Celtic Folklore
12/17/2020 - Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
12/17/2020 - Man Wins $800,000 Playing Same Numbers On 160 Lotto Tickets
12/16/2020 - Melania Trump’s Maternal Instincts Kick In While Visiting Sick Children In Hospital
12/16/2020 - Bingo Much Less Competitive Lately
12/16/2020 - Largest Snowstorm Of Year To Hit Northeast This Week
12/16/2020 - CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
12/16/2020 - Baker Mayfield’s Commercial Agent Furious He Continues to Risk Everything By Playing Football
12/16/2020 - ‘Shrek,’ ‘Dark Knight’ Added To National Film Registry
12/15/2020 - Barr Steps Down To Pursue True Passion Full-Time As The K-Street Strangler
12/15/2020 - CDC Announces Vince Neil Will Be First Member Of Mötley Crüe To Get Covid Vaccine
12/15/2020 - PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves
12/15/2020 - ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Developers Offer Refund For Glitchy Game
12/15/2020 - PornHub To Delete All Content It Can’t Verify Is Really Between Stepson And Stepmother
12/15/2020 - Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List
12/15/2020 - ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Players Reporting Glitches Spreading All Over Their Hands
12/15/2020 - Package Thief Makes Off With Entire Front Porch
12/15/2020 - First Batch Of Pfizer Coronavirus Vaccine Shipped Across Country
12/15/2020 - Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020
12/14/2020 - Sarah Fuller Becomes First Woman To Score In Power Five Football Game
12/14/2020 - Lab Assistant Who Accidentally Poked Self While Preparing Syringe Becomes First American To Receive Covid-19 Vaccine
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of January
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of February
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of March
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of April
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of May
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of June
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of July
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of August
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of September
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of October
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of November
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Sports
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Entertainment
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of The Topical
12/14/2020 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network
12/14/2020 - Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World
12/14/2020 - Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology
12/14/2020 - Habits Of Silicon Valley’s Most Powerful Fortune 500 CEOs
12/14/2020 - Christmas Tree Farmer Scatters Sack Of Candy Canes Before Ravenous Douglas Firs
12/14/2020 - Decorating Your Home For The Holidays
12/14/2020 - Erectile Dysfunction, Depression Medications Recalled After Packaging Mixup
12/11/2020 - ‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters
12/11/2020 - Needles Rain From Ceiling Of FDA Headquarters In Celebration Of Vaccine Approval
12/11/2020 - ‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins
12/11/2020 - Literary Scholars Discover First Draft Of ‘A Christmas Carol’ Where All 4 Ghosts Show Up At Once And Just Beat The Shit Out Of Scrooge
12/11/2020 - Man With 90-Year Sentence For Marijuana Released From Prison
12/11/2020 - FTC Calls For Facebook To Break Up Married Couple’s Weird Shared Account
12/11/2020 - Highlights Of The Massive Antitrust Lawsuit Against Facebook
12/11/2020 - All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month
12/11/2020 - Woman Contorts Body To Show Appropriate Contrition For Being Near Person In Store
12/11/2020 - Mom Flatly Informs 30-Year-Old Son He’s Getting 3 Sweaters And A Nintendo Switch For Christmas
12/11/2020 - Tabletop Crumbs Neatly Brushed Past Cupped Hand Directly Onto Floor
12/11/2020 - Guy Fieri Raises $21.5 Million For Unemployed Restaurant Workers
12/10/2020 - Pantone Unveils 2 Colors Of The Year For 2021
12/10/2020 - Tim Cook Introduces 2 Single Friends Who He Thinks Would Really Hit It Off In Apple Keynote
12/10/2020 - Taylor Swift Fans Furious After Artist Excluded From ESPN’s List Of Best NBA Players Of 2020
12/10/2020 - New Instant Pot Comes With Recipe Book For Easy Weeknight IEDs
12/10/2020 - What To Know About The Georgia Senate Runoffs
12/10/2020 - CDC Announces Everyone Who Will Receive Vaccine Has Already Been Notified
12/10/2020 - Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
12/10/2020 - Woman Who Took Up Knitting At Start Of Pandemic Still Mindlessly Adding To 250-Mile Scarf
12/10/2020 - Man Named William Shakespeare Is One Of First in England to Receive Coronavirus Vaccine
12/9/2020 - Mysterious Illness Hospitalizes 300 In India
12/9/2020 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Mank’
12/9/2020 - Aspiring Lobbyist Gets Foot In Door As State Senator
12/9/2020 - Boyfriend’s Crumbling Mess Of A Life Provides Woman With Rich Array Of Christmas Gift Ideas
12/9/2020 - How To Create Beautiful Lighting In Your Home
12/9/2020 - Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine Rollout
12/9/2020 - Jared Fogle Says Prison Has Made Him Realize How Wrong He Was To Endorse Subway
12/9/2020 - Gamer Camping Outside Home Depot On Off Chance They Start Stocking PS5s
12/9/2020 - Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama
12/9/2020 - Spider Catches, Whips Shoe Right Back At Woman
12/9/2020 - Free Version Of Meditation App Plays Panicked Shrieks Every 15 Minutes
12/9/2020 - Floyd Mayweather, Logan Paul To Face Off In February Boxing Match
12/8/2020 - ‘I Am Immortal!’ Screams 90-Year-Old British Woman Embarking On Epic Post-Vaccination Bender
12/8/2020 - Trout Offended Fly Fisherman Would Just Throw Him Back Like That
12/8/2020 - Bob Dylan Sells Entire Songwriting Catalog To Universal Music
12/8/2020 - Space Debris By The Numbers
12/8/2020 - Desperate VH1 Greenlights New Reality Show ‘Basketball Acquaintances’
12/8/2020 - ‘Diana’s There, On Netflix!’ Shout British Paparazzi Reflexively Ramming Car Into TV
12/8/2020 - Woman Just Needs To Break Irresponsible Financial Habit Of Going Bankrupt, Living On Street
12/8/2020 - Rest Of Zoom Call Can Only Imagine Carnival Of Forbidden Mysteries Surrounding Coworker With Camera Turned Off
12/8/2020 - ‘The Virus Dies With Me!’ Shouts Covid-Infected Giuliani Clambering Into Hospital Incinerator
12/8/2020 - Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
12/8/2020 - Epic Games Cancels All In-Person Fortnite Tournaments For 2021
12/7/2020 - Georgetown Hospital Staff Saddened By Elderly Patient Repeatedly Insisting He Used To Be America’s Mayor
12/7/2020 - AppleTV+ Series Used Unlicensed Doctor To Test Actors For Covid-19
12/7/2020 - 2020 Was Most Active Atlantic Hurricane Season On Record
12/7/2020 - ‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark Souls II’
12/7/2020 - Man Catches Himself Scrolling Social Media While He Supposed To Be Masturbating
12/7/2020 - Report: Majority Of Psychological Experiments Conducted In 1970s Just Crimes
12/7/2020 - The Shirt Hits The Fans
12/7/2020 - Raging Coronavirus Leaving Thick Viral Haze All Across California
12/7/2020 - Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
12/7/2020 - Google Announces Most Searched Term Of Year Is Once Again ‘Nervous Breakdown Hate Life Hate Job How To Get New Life’
12/7/2020 - Volunteer Sustains Serious Injuries From Tiger Attack At Carol Baskin’s Big Cat Rescue
12/5/2020 - Stir-Crazy Nick Saban Builds Assistant Coach To Scream At In Quarantine
12/4/2020 - Google AI Zones Out While Being Trained On Mandatory Racial Sensitivity Data Set
12/4/2020 - Fantasy Football Week 13: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
12/4/2020 - Singapore Approves First Lab-Grilled Chicken
12/4/2020 - Obama Volunteers To Inject Vaccine, Eat Ghost Pepper, Get Bitten By Tarantula Live On New YouTube Channel
12/4/2020 - Woman’s Hands Become Bloody Nubs Of Raw Flesh After Forgetting Nightly Moisturizing Routine
12/4/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Prosecuting Trump After His Presidency
12/4/2020 - Mold Getting Tired Of Thanksgiving Leftovers
12/4/2020 - Do You Hear What I Jeer
12/4/2020 - CDC Introduces New Expedited Quarantine Period Of 3-5 Business Days For $29.99
12/4/2020 - Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape
12/4/2020 - Doctor Wondering Why There ‘Reverse’ Switch On Ventilator
12/4/2020 - U.S. Narrows Scope Of Service Animals Allowed On Planes
12/3/2020 - White House Dishwasher Not Sure Why Trump Keeps Offering Him Pardon
12/3/2020 - Rob Gronkowski Thrilled After Purchasing Rare, Game-Worn Rob Gronkowski Jersey
12/3/2020 - Dictionary.com Names ‘Pandemic’ Word Of The Year
12/3/2020 - Trump’s Lame-Duck Plans
12/3/2020 - Jimmy Carter On Covid Vaccine: ‘There’s No Way In Hell I’m Letting Them Put That Thing In Me’
12/3/2020 - Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
12/3/2020 - Food Critic Has Late Night Hankering For Liquid Nitrogen-Frozen Raviolo Balloon
12/3/2020 - William Barr Celebrates Holidays By Giving Lethal Injections To Those Less Fortunate
12/3/2020 - The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry
12/3/2020 - Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside
12/3/2020 - Scientists Use Facial Recognition Technology To Track Bears
12/2/2020 - NFL Suspends Steelers Roster For Breaking Coronavirus Protocol By Playing Ravens
12/2/2020 - CDC Advisers Vote On Who Will Get Covid-19 Vaccine First
12/2/2020 - Concerns About Nuclear Iran Grow After Periodic Table Poster Spotted In Tehran High School
12/2/2020 - Fact-Checking ‘The Crown’
12/2/2020 - Barr Announces No Widespread Election Fraud After Clicking Warning Label On Flagged Trump Tweets
12/2/2020 - ‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear
12/2/2020 - DOJ Vows To Prosecute Any Pay-For-Pardon Offers Trying To Lowball President
12/2/2020 - Ungrateful Pricks On Sidewalk Not Even Glancing At Christmas Tree Placed In Window To Bring Them Holiday Cheer
12/2/2020 - Panhandler Really Appreciates It When People Make A Big Show Out Of Patting All Their Pockets
12/2/2020 - Insatiable Jeff Bezos Launches New E-Commerce Site ‘Bezylon’ To Undercut Amazon
12/2/2020 - New Report Finds Computers Actually Outpaced Human Intelligence Back With Commodore 64
12/2/2020 - Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
12/2/2020 - Herd Of Crossfitters Stampeding Down Sidewalk Like Startled Wild Boars
12/2/2020 - Former Astronaut To Be Sworn In As U.S. Senator
12/1/2020 - Trump Reduced To Filing Lawsuit To Overturn Single Ballot In Placerville, Idaho
12/1/2020 - Missing Boater Found Alive 86 Miles From Coast
12/1/2020 - Jacksonville Couple Successfully Mates To Help Save Endangered Jaguars Fan Base
12/1/2020 - Sarah Fuller Makes History As First Woman To Enjoy Respectful Treatment At Vanderbilt Football Game
12/1/2020 - Tips For Using Google Maps
12/1/2020 - Dr. Scott Atlas: ‘I Am Resigning To Focus On Important Doctor Work In The Doctor Industry’
12/1/2020 - Police Warn Onlookers Not To Enter Active Crime Scene Cover-Up
12/1/2020 - Inside The Sacred Temple Where People Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year
12/1/2020 - Nervous Woman Still Hasn’t Gotten Up Courage To Check Election Results
12/1/2020 - Ken Jennings To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’