2/29/2020 - Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

2/28/2020 - Olympic Committee Announces Tokyo Games Will Still Go On As Planned Because True Athletes Embrace Every Obstacle That Comes Their Way

2/28/2020 - Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog

2/28/2020 - Man Annoyed He No Longer Even Able To Go To Wuhan To Eat Bats Without Mom Freaking Out

2/28/2020 - NFL Draft Prospect Sets Combine Record By Scrubbing Entire Social Media Presence In 17.64 Seconds

2/28/2020 - Marine Corps Orders Removal Of Confederate Symbols From All Bases

2/28/2020 - Warren Tells Supporters To Cut That Pinterest Shit Out, This Is Serious

2/28/2020 - Obama Kind Of Hurt No One’s Even Asked For His Endorsement

2/28/2020 - For One Year, This Man Only Ate Food That He Grew Or Foraged And Also General Tso’s Chicken

2/28/2020 - Authorities Arrest 15,000 At FugitiveCon 2020

2/28/2020 - Myth Vs. Fact: Stop-And-Frisk Policy

2/28/2020 - Child Doing Stations Of The Cross Reflects On Boredom Christ Must Have Felt During Crucifixion

2/27/2020 - Scotland Set To Become First Country To Provide Free Menstrual Products To All Women

2/27/2020 - ‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

2/27/2020 - Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association Horrified To Learn Madison Bumgarner Risking Health As Baseball Pitcher

2/27/2020 - CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad

2/27/2020 - ‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months

2/27/2020 - Maria Sharapova Retires From Tennis

2/27/2020 - ‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day

2/27/2020 - New, Inclusive Gerber Campaign Features First Adult Gerber Baby

2/27/2020 - Timberwolves Fire Clerk On Accounts Receivable Team In First Step Towards Turning Franchise Around

2/27/2020 - Man Doesn’t Mind Long Commute Because It Gives Him Extra Time To Listen To Voice In Head Saying He Can’t Keep Living Like This

2/27/2020 - Pete Buttigieg Pivots From Mimicking Obama To Mimicking Sanders In Attempt To Gain Ground

2/27/2020 - ‘No, Stop, Please,’ Shouts Woman As Hands Uncontrollably Google All Of Boyfriend’s Exes

2/27/2020 - 5 Things To Know About Billie Eilish

2/26/2020 - Candidates Struggle To Answer Question About Future Of Granite Countertops During HGTV Town Hall

2/26/2020 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

2/26/2020 - CDC Warns Of U.S. Coronavirus Outbreak

2/26/2020 - Greatest Video Game Weapons Of All Time

2/26/2020 - CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels

2/26/2020 - Biggest Takeaways From The South Carolina Democratic Debate

2/26/2020 - Breaking: Mama!

2/26/2020 - Effects Of The #MeToo Movement

2/26/2020 - Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separate Thing That He Will Deal With On His Own

2/26/2020 - Actor Hank Azaria To Stop Voicing Apu On ‘The Simpsons’

2/26/2020 - Sanders Supporter Sick Of Movement Being Defined By Small Number Of Toxic Members Like Him

2/26/2020 - Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States

2/26/2020 - Driver Enraged At Rider Who Threw Up In Ambulance

2/26/2020 - Between A Rock And A Harve Place

2/26/2020 - Neurosurgeon Feels Lucky He Was Able To Turn Hobby Into Career

2/26/2020 - This The Part Of Musical Number Where Everyone In Chorus Slowly Kneels Around Main Character

2/26/2020 - ‘I’m Free, I’m Finally Free!’ Thinks Parent Before Realizing Lost Child Just Hiding Inside Clothes Rack

2/26/2020 - Handwritten Sign Clarifies Flooded Urinal Covered In Garbage Bag ‘Out Of Order’

2/25/2020 - ‘Tell Me About It, Stud,’ Says Pleather-Clad Elizabeth Warren On Debate Stage In Effort To Court Bad Boy Demographic

2/25/2020 - Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again

2/25/2020 - Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

2/25/2020 - Netflix Adds ‘Top 10’ List Featuring Most Popular Shows

2/25/2020 - Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump

2/25/2020 - Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park

2/25/2020 - Idiotic Squirrel With Acorn Runs Away From Man As If He Doesn’t Get To Eat All The Nuts He Wants

2/25/2020 - Harvey Weinstein Found Guilty

2/25/2020 - Quentin Tarantino Has Son In Latest Homage To Spaghetti Western Director Sergio Leone

2/25/2020 - Reform ‘Fifty Shades’ Reader Doesn’t Think Christian And Ana Literally Indulged In Bladder Control Fetish, But Derives Meaning From Story Nonetheless

2/25/2020 - Dead-Eyed Tattoo Artist Has Inked ‘Tomorrow Is Promised To No One’ 5,000 Times In Past Year

2/25/2020 - Magical Mystery Detour

2/25/2020 - Nation’s Men Stunned To Realize Sexual Harassment Problem May Go As Far Back As 1990

2/25/2020 - How Political Endorsements Get Made

2/25/2020 - Jörmungandr Succumbs To First Recorded Case Of Human-To-God Coronavirus Transmission

2/25/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 25, 2020

2/25/2020 - So-Called ‘Flash Sale’ May Have Been Strategized Weeks In Advance

2/25/2020 - Outback Introduces New Bloomin’ Cow

2/24/2020 - Scientists Use Artificial Intelligence To Discover New Antibiotics

2/24/2020 - Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

2/24/2020 - Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment

2/24/2020 - Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest

2/24/2020 - ‘You Take These Cuffs Off Of Me And I’ll Make You A Star,’ Says Harvey Weinstein To Female Bailiff Escorting Him Out Of Courtroom

2/24/2020 - Trump Visits India

2/24/2020 - Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus

2/24/2020 - U.S. Unveils Plan For Rest Of World To Become Carbon-Neutral By 2030

2/24/2020 - PETA Quietly Testing ‘Coronavirus Is A Living Thing’ Ad Spots In Few Small Markets

2/24/2020 - Smithsonian Museum Celebrates Black Alternate History Month With Full-Scale Recreation Of W.E.B. Du Bois’ War Zeppelin

2/24/2020 - Pathetic: This Gamer Who Got Shot 3 Times Went To A Hospital Instead Of Just Crouching Behind Cover For 10 Seconds

2/24/2020 - Concerned Baby Starting To Worry Lethargic, Distant Mom Not Suffering From Postpartum Depression At All

2/24/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 24, 2020

2/21/2020 - Forever 21 Bought Following Bankruptcy

2/21/2020 - Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

2/21/2020 - Pete Alonso Asks Teammates Whether They’d All Rather Sign Up For Volleyball This Year

2/21/2020 - Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person

2/21/2020 - Roger Stone Sentenced To Over 3 Years In Prison

2/21/2020 - Indian Elephant Forced To Busk On Hollywood Boulevard After Los Angeles Bans Exotic Animal Performers

2/21/2020 - Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election

2/21/2020 - People Call This Couple’s 40-Year Age Gap Disgusting But What If We Told You The Old One Is The Woman?

2/21/2020 - Everyone In Symphony Audience Has Finger Cocked Under Beer Can Tab For First Sign of Crescendo

2/21/2020 - GM Ups Ante In SUV Race With New 14-Seat, 11-Door, 7-Wheel, 4-Trunk Chevy Teton

2/21/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Banning Peanuts In Schools

2/21/2020 - Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Dog That Swears And Smokes Cigarettes

2/21/2020 - Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With Each Other That Transcend Nations, Languages

2/20/2020 - Coral Reefs Could Disappear Within Next 80 Years

2/20/2020 - God In Critical Condition

2/20/2020 - Bloomberg Housekeepers Brace For Another Day Of Dressing Up Like DNC Candidates And Letting Boss Beat Them In Debate

2/20/2020 - Recently Concussed Americans March On Washington D.C. Demanding The Right To Sleep

2/20/2020 - Highlights Of The Nevada Democratic Debate

2/20/2020 - Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race

2/20/2020 - George Zimmerman Sues Buttigieg, Warren

2/20/2020 - ‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

2/20/2020 - How To Handle Texting Anxiety

2/20/2020 - Mom With Arms Full Of Groceries Holds Baby By Scruff Of Neck With Mouth

2/20/2020 - Stephen Miller Spends Entire Honeymoon In Hotel Room Calling ICE On Cleaning Staff

2/19/2020 - Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

2/19/2020 - Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

2/19/2020 - ‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

2/19/2020 - Last-Second DNC Rule Change Requires Candidates Spend At Least $300 Million Of Own Fortune To Make Debate Stage

2/19/2020 - Panicking Aides Finally Locate Biden At Wrong Venue Following Cirque Du Soleil Performers Onstage

2/19/2020 - Trump Pardons Rod Blagojevich

2/19/2020 - Adobe Photoshop Turns 30

2/19/2020 - Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success

2/19/2020 - Carnival Sinks Cruise Ship Rather Than Letting It Fall Into Coronavirus’ Clutches

2/19/2020 - Boy Scouts File For Bankruptcy

2/19/2020 - ‘I Love My Wife Marcia And 2 Beautiful Kids, Tad And Hayden,’ Says Buttigieg In Latest Campaign Shift

2/19/2020 - Rod Blagojevich Somehow Already Governor Of Illinois Again Minutes After Prison Release

2/19/2020 - New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets

2/19/2020 - Thousands Of PETA Activists Descend On Hoover Headquarters To Protest Vacuum Cleaner That Spooked Dog

2/18/2020 - Number Of Homeless Students On The Rise

2/18/2020 - Trump Celebrates New Hospital Opening With Oxygen Tube-Cutting Ceremony

2/18/2020 - Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’

2/18/2020 - Best Cities For Millennials

2/18/2020 - Report: Average Life Expectancy Increases To 18.2 Years For Americans Who Go Out Like Fucking Legends

2/18/2020 - 1,100 Former DOJ Officials Urge Barr To Resign

2/18/2020 - Boy Scouts Leadership Confident Organization Can Overcome Stigma Of Bankruptcy

2/18/2020 - Shocking Lore: Nintendo Says Mario Always Talks About Being Italian Even Though He’s Only A Quarter And His Last Name Is Walsh

2/18/2020 - How To Interact With Little Kids

2/18/2020 - Armed Teacher Rehearses Shooting Wall, Gunman, 3 Students During Active Shooter Drill

2/18/2020 - Cod Ones Out

2/18/2020 - Overwhelmed Archaeologists Struggling To Keep Pace With Glut Of Early Humans Thawed Out By Climate Change

2/18/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 18, 2020

2/17/2020 - Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist

2/17/2020 - Waiter Asks If Couple Would Like To Pack Him Up In Little Box And Take Him Home For Later

2/17/2020 - Experts Recommend Tuning Them Out And Just Trying To Enjoy Your Life

2/17/2020 - Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

2/17/2020 - Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times

2/17/2020 - Pope Francis Attempts To Compromise On Rule-Change Proposals By Allowing Priests To Marry Him

2/17/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 17, 2020

2/15/2020 - Hope Hicks Returns To White House

2/14/2020 - Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow

2/14/2020 - Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

2/14/2020 - Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day

2/14/2020 - A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

2/14/2020 - Lunges, Squats, And Leg Lifts: We Try The Workout That Gave Rupert Grint The Number-One Ass In Show Business

2/14/2020 - Nevada Addresses Concerns About Election Security By Switching To Electronic Voters

2/14/2020 - Mayo Clinic Offers Special Chocolate Heart Transplant For Valentine’s Day

2/14/2020 - Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza

2/14/2020 - BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050

2/14/2020 - God Announces Major Overhaul Of Procreation Process For 2021

2/14/2020 - Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

2/14/2020 - Couple Takes Weekend Trip Outside City To Get Away From All The Arts And Culture

2/14/2020 - The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time

2/13/2020 - Yang, Bennet, Patrick Drop Out Of Presidential Race

2/13/2020 - Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes

2/13/2020 - CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

2/13/2020 - Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’

2/13/2020 - Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

2/13/2020 - ‘Birds Of Prey’ Renamed Following Poor Box Office Results

2/13/2020 - ‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ Approval

2/13/2020 - Diagram Warning Child Could Drown In Bucket Much More Clear In Hindsight

2/13/2020 - Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die

2/13/2020 - 5 Things To Know About Gwyneth Paltrow And Goop

2/13/2020 - Man Scrambling To Furnish Apartment Before Date Shows Up

2/13/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

2/12/2020 - Resigned Nutritionists Now Recommend Eating 3 Servings A Day Of Mice Or Bark Or Whatever

2/12/2020 - FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam

2/12/2020 - Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries

2/12/2020 - Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Hours

2/12/2020 - Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary

2/12/2020 - CEO Of Robotics Corporation Tells Sobbing Andrew Yang That He Was His Greatest Creation

2/12/2020 - Moderates Worry Klobuchar Splitting People-Who-Will-Vote-For-Anybody Vote

2/12/2020 - What’s In Trump’s 2021 Budget Proposal

2/12/2020 - Best In Show Poodle Tearfully Advocates For Joaquin Phoenix Rights During Speech At Westminster Dog Show

2/12/2020 - Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie

2/12/2020 - Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy

2/12/2020 - Man Has Faint Inkling Of What Greeting Card With Picture Of Donkey On It Might Say Inside

2/11/2020 - Emergency Room Staff Assures Parents That Burger King Chicken Fries Will Pass Naturally Through Child’s System

2/11/2020 - University Of Colorado To Offer Degree In Marijuana

2/11/2020 - Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’

2/11/2020 - ‘It’s Time To Go, Mr. Stone,’ Says Ski-Masked William Barr After Running Prison Bus Off Road

2/11/2020 - Giannis Antetokounmpo To Take Off Next 3 Seasons With Standard European Paternity Leave

2/11/2020 - Bloomberg Campaign Raises Visibility By Pumping $5 Million Into #BloombergIsRacist Hashtag

2/11/2020 - Flustered New Hampshire Bed And Breakfast Host Informs Biden, Sanders, Buttigieg, Warren, Klobuchar They’re All Booked For Same Room

2/11/2020 - Website Offers Porn To Passengers Trapped On Quarantined Cruise Ship

2/11/2020 - Poll Finds Bloomberg Trailing Among Young Black Males He’s Already Thrown In Prison

2/11/2020 - How Vaccines Are Made

2/11/2020 - Man Calms Down From Violent Rage After Seeing ‘Or Current Resident’ On Misaddressed Letter

2/11/2020 - Army Guy Wears Glasses

2/11/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 11, 2020

2/11/2020 - Fertility Clinic Employee Asks Couple If They’d Like To Play With Sperm Out Back And Get To Know It Better

2/11/2020 - Gone South

2/10/2020 - NASA Launches Really Nice Nikon DSLR Camera Strapped To Rocket To Gather Photos Of Sun

2/10/2020 - Trump Fires Officials Who Testified In Impeachment Inquiry

2/10/2020 - ‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commander In Chief

2/10/2020 - Oscars Ceremony Ruined

2/10/2020 - Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Coronavirus Or Just Like That

2/10/2020 - ‘Parasite’ Wins Best Picture At 92nd Oscars

2/10/2020 - Man Crippled By Fear Of Failure As If It Hadn’t Already Happened

2/10/2020 - 2020 Race Upended After New Poll Finds Trump, Democrats Trailing Mysterious Rune-Covered Obelisk By 80 Points

2/10/2020 - Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage In Meaningful Dialogue

2/10/2020 - Western Culture Ends

2/10/2020 - Study Finds Dating Apps Most Effective Way To Find Everyone Your Age Apparently Kayaking Now

2/10/2020 - Engineer Thinking Bridge For This One

2/10/2020 - Mom Still Seething Over Car That Blew Through Stop Sign 15 Years Ago

2/10/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 10, 2020

2/10/2020 - Study Finds Leading Cause Of Childhood Obesity Witches Fattening Up Children To Be Eaten

2/9/2020 - Oscars Replace Orchestral Playouts With Big, Slobbery Saint Bernard To Knock Over Long-Winded Winners

2/9/2020 - ‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech

2/9/2020 - Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event

2/7/2020 - Bumblebee Disappearance Linked To Extreme Heat

2/7/2020 - Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle

2/7/2020 - Parkinson’s Gene Waiting To Switch On Until Everything Finally Falling Into Place For Local Man

2/7/2020 - A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion

2/7/2020 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses

2/7/2020 - Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives

2/7/2020 - Bernie Madoff Asks For Prison Release

2/7/2020 - Riding Dogs: Is It Really As Bad As We’ve Been Led To Believe?

2/7/2020 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors

2/7/2020 - Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island

2/7/2020 - Coronavirus Fears Prompt 200-Foot Surgical Mask To Be Mounted Over Docking Cruise Ship

2/7/2020 - Marie Kondo Folds Self Neatly Into Tiny Box After Long Day Of Work

2/7/2020 - EPA Thugs Violently Beat Endangered Toad Who Hasn’t Paid Protection Money

2/7/2020 - Deal Alert: The Guards Protecting The Duke’s Prized Copy Of ‘Diddy Kong Racing’ Will Be Briefly Distracted During The Fireworks Display At His Upcoming Grand Ball

2/7/2020 - ‘He’s Got The Mulan Virus!’ Yells Don Jr. Attempting To Quarantine Eric By Duct Taping Garbage Bag Over Head

2/6/2020 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures

2/6/2020 - Trump Acquitted

2/6/2020 - Thai Fishermen Find Iowa Caucus Results In Stomach of Tiger Shark

2/6/2020 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Directors

2/6/2020 - Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower?

2/6/2020 - Report: The Nation Has Healed And It’s Time To Rejoice!

2/6/2020 - Buttigieg, Sanders In Dead Heat In Iowa Caucus

2/6/2020 - Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose

2/6/2020 - Senate Republicans Say One Mistake Should Not Ruin The Life Of A Naive, Promising Young Man Like Trump

2/6/2020 - Hawks, Celtics, Nets, Hornets, Bulls, Cavs, Mavs, Nuggets, Pistons, Warriors, Rockets, Pacers, Clippers, Lakers, Grizzlies, Heat, Bucks, Timberwolves, Pelicans, Knicks, Thunder, Magic, 76ers, Suns, Blazers, Kings, Spurs, Raptors, Jazz, Wizards Complete Rare 30-Team Swap Of Future Second-Rounders

2/6/2020 - Trump Spends National Prayer Breakfast Attacking God For Allowing Impeachment To Ever Happen

2/6/2020 - Snapchat By The Numbers

2/6/2020 - Lin-Manuel Miranda: ‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’

2/6/2020 - The Hardest Boss Battles Of All Time

2/6/2020 - Sanders Makes Last-Minute Appeal To Moderates By Reminding Them All His Policies Would End Up Being Watered Down To Their Positions Anyway

2/6/2020 - Chicago Adds 90-Story Stack Of Italian Beef To Skyline

2/5/2020 - Iowa Democratic Party Finally Releases Full Caucus Results To Rubble-Strewn Remains Of Des Moines In Year 2186

2/5/2020 - Trump Delivers Third State Of The Union

2/5/2020 - Both Parties Acting Exactly How Everyone Expected Them To Restore Nation’s Faith In Political Process

2/5/2020 - 5 Takeaways From The Iowa Caucuses

2/5/2020 - Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is

2/5/2020 - Rush Limbaugh Admits Presidential Medal Of Freedom Less Of An Honor Knowing That Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou Also Received It

2/5/2020 - Chiefs Fan Adjusting To New Life Of Solely Being Depressed About Life In Missouri

2/5/2020 - Buttigieg, Sanders Locked In Battle For Iowa

2/5/2020 - Embarrassed Ben Simmons Retracts Criticism Of Sixers After Remembering He On Team

2/5/2020 - Billboard Super Judgmental Since Converting To Christianity

2/5/2020 - The 6 Best Companies To Work For

2/5/2020 - Corporate Lawyer Achieves Career Masterpiece With McDonald’s Monopoly Contest Rules

2/5/2020 - ‘The Sims’ Turns 20

2/5/2020 - Pedestrians Passing Each Other On Sidewalk Stop To Let Children Sniff Each Other

2/4/2020 - Speeding Democratic Campaign Buses Run Over 173 Iowans In Mad Dash To Get Fuck Out Of State

2/4/2020 - The EPA Takes A Stand

2/4/2020 - DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results

2/4/2020 - Disney Buys ‘Hamilton’ Film Rights For $75 Million

2/4/2020 - DNC Blames Iowa Caucus Problems On Single Fuck-Up Senior Citizen Volunteer

2/4/2020 - Report: Majority Of Americans Would Jump At Chance To Rip Off Shirt And Use It As Tourniquet

2/4/2020 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Birds Of Prey: The Emancipation Of Harley Quinn’

2/4/2020 - Buttigieg: ‘My Record During My First Term As President Speaks For Itself’

2/4/2020 - Somebody In Mosh Pit All Sweaty

2/4/2020 - Punxsutawney Phil Fails To See Shadow Symbolizing Early Spring

2/4/2020 - Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly

2/4/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 4, 2020

2/3/2020 - 3 Million Iowans Finish Gathering Into Middle Of Gymnasium For Start Of Caucuses

2/3/2020 - A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa

2/3/2020 - DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders

2/3/2020 - Chiefs Win Super Bowl

2/3/2020 - Move Over, Alan Moore: This Gaming Webcomic Is Now A Webcomic About Gaming And Fatherhood

2/3/2020 - Baby Delighted By Grandfather Making Silly Faces During Stroke

2/3/2020 - Man Wastes Entire Life Chasing Unrealistic Pipe Dream Of Being Loved And Respected

2/3/2020 - Andy Reid After Super Bowl Win: ‘I Can Now Die Of A Heart Attack In Peace’

2/3/2020 - Queen Reminds Worker Bees They Still Represent Colony Even When Away From Hive

2/3/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 3, 2020

2/3/2020 - Frustrated Tenant Only 5 Or 6 Days Away From Sending Gently Worded Email To Landlord

2/2/2020 - Victorious Patrick Mahomes Thanks Bears For Drafting Mitchell Trubisky

2/2/2020 - Chiefs Finally Overcome Curse Of Not Being Good For A Very Long Time

2/2/2020 - Mike Shanahan Storms Onto Super Bowl Field To Berate Ref For Bullshit Call Against His Boy

2/2/2020 - Adorable Super Bowl Encourages Fans To Adopt Abandoned, Stray Football Players

2/2/2020 - Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party

2/2/2020 - ‘She’s About My Age,’ Reports Mom Watching Halftime Show

2/2/2020 - Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment

2/2/2020 - Nick Bosa Frustrated Some Guy Always Standing In Way When He’s Trying To Rush Pocket

2/2/2020 - ‘I’m Just Here For The Commercials,’ Jokes Man At Super Bowl Party Too Embarrassed To Admit He Desperate For Any Human Company

2/2/2020 - Panicked Referee Trying To Retrieve Super Bowl Coin From Vending Machine Before Opening Toss

2/2/2020 - Increased Security Requirements For Super Bowl Mandate All Fan Clothes Be Made From Transparent Plastic

2/1/2020 - House Votes To Repeal 2002 Military Authorization