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2020 January
1/31/2020 - Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart
1/31/2020 - WHO Declares Coronavirus A Global Health Emergency
1/31/2020 - Report: Fighting Rising Tide Of Authoritarianism Sounds Like A Lot Of Work
1/31/2020 - Frito-Lay Pledges Party-Size Bag Of Plain Potato Chips To Help Combat World Hunger
1/31/2020 - Smart Fridge Fires Beer Into Crowd Of Appliances During Google Home’s Rager In Vacationing Family’s House
1/31/2020 - Poll Finds 75% Of Voters Want Impeachment Witnesses
1/31/2020 - Is The Ohio Congressman Who Paid Us $30,000 For This Feature The Future Of The Democratic Party?
1/31/2020 - Exhausted ‘1917’ Cinematographer Still Holding Single Shot Months After Film’s Release
1/30/2020 - Coronavirus Reaches 6,000 Cases
1/30/2020 - A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein
1/30/2020 - ‘You’re A Piece Of Shit And I Hope Everyone Like You Dies,’ Says Biden To Democratic Voter In Stirring Call For Party Unity
1/30/2020 - Amazon Ring By The Numbers
1/30/2020 - Recently Unearthed Ancient Sumerian Cuneiform Tablet Depicts Earliest Known Observance Of Ladies’ Night
1/30/2020 - Huh: There’s No Convention Or Anything In Town So This Guy Dressed Like Poliwhirl Must Just Dress Like This All The Time
1/30/2020 - U.S. Deficit Projected To Hit $1 Trillion In 2020
1/30/2020 - Elon Musk Rushes To Aid Of Overturned Tesla Pinned On Top Of Child
1/30/2020 - Hubble Telescope Reveals Earth Caught In Massive Spider Web Spanning Entire Galaxy
1/29/2020 - 7.7 Magnitude Earthquake Strikes Jamaica, Cuba
1/29/2020 - A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa
1/29/2020 - New Podcast From ‘The Onion’ Renders Eyeballs Obsolete
1/29/2020 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates
1/29/2020 - Kushner Promises Israel Plan Will Relocate All Palestinians To Generous Swath Of Mediterranean Sea
1/29/2020 - 5 Things To Know About The Coronavirus
1/29/2020 - Olive Garden Food Scientists Rapidly Running Out Of Foods To Scampi
1/29/2020 - ‘USA!’ Chants Patriotic Man Envisioning 2-Mile Radius Of His Homogenized Suburb
1/29/2020 - Sanders Unveils Job-Training Program To Provide Meaningful Work To Low-Skilled Op-Ed Writers
1/29/2020 - Biggest Video Game Letdowns Of All Time
1/29/2020 - Lost Grandfather With Dementia Found Hundreds Of Miles Away From Home Wandering International Space Station
1/29/2020 - Aaron Rodgers Pledges To Dedicate Off-Season To Growing As Brand Ambassador
1/29/2020 - Cow In Really Great Shape
1/28/2020 - Chris Matthews Warns Bernie Sanders Victory Runs Risk Of Making Him Look Stupid 2 Elections In A Row
1/28/2020 - White House Rolls Out Middle East Peace Plan
1/28/2020 - Joni Ernst Insists She Hasn’t Seen Any Impeachment Evidence That Has Changed Her Self-Serving Political Calculus
1/28/2020 - Key Players In Trump’s Impeachment Trial
1/28/2020 - Bolton Book Confirms Trump Tied Aid To Biden Investigation
1/28/2020 - New Evidence Reveals Library Of Alexandria Kicked Out Dozens Of Creepy Old Romans For Looking At Pornographic Images On Abacus
1/28/2020 - 10 Easy Exercises You Can Do At The Office
1/28/2020 - CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad
1/28/2020 - Real New Yorker Folds Slice Of Cheesecake In Half Before Eating
1/28/2020 - PBS Snooze Hour
1/28/2020 - Seattle Mariners Offhandedly Suggest Astros’, Red Sox’ Titles Be Awarded To Them Instead
1/28/2020 - 5 Things To Watch For At The Iowa Caucuses
1/28/2020 - Royal Caribbean Vessel Erupts From Mount Saint Helens After 8,000-Mile Cruise Through Center Of Earth
1/28/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 28, 2020
1/28/2020 - Black-Metal Fan Conflicted About Supporting Artist Who’s Never Been Convicted Of Murder
1/27/2020 - Polling Shows Sanders Surpassing Biden In Iowa, New Hampshire
1/27/2020 - Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week
1/27/2020 - Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymore
1/27/2020 - Bolton Pledges To Donate All Proceeds From Book Towards Killing Iranians
1/27/2020 - Billie Eilish, Lizzo Win Big At 62nd Annual Grammys
1/27/2020 - Parents Impressed By How Big Baby Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of CrossFit
1/27/2020 - Amy Klobuchar Enters 18th Minute Of Tense Standoff With Iowa Rally Crowd Who Haven’t Laughed At Her Joke
1/27/2020 - Excitement Builds Around New PlayStation After Leaked Images May Show Your Long-Lost Father Holding A PS5
1/27/2020 - Mike Pompeo: ‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’
1/27/2020 - Tragedy Mask Clearly Jealous Of Comedy Mask
1/27/2020 - CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus
1/27/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 27, 2020
1/26/2020 - Treble Clef Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award During 62nd Annual Grammy Ceremony
1/26/2020 - Taylor Swift’s ‘Lover’ Wins Grammy For Best Children’s Album
1/26/2020 - Out-Of-Touch, Aging 24-Year-Old Keeps Trying To Fit In With Cool Kids At Grammys
1/26/2020 - Grammys Accused Of Bias Toward Music That Accurately Represents What Nation At Large Listening To
1/26/2020 - ‘The Cowboy Thing Is Over,’ Says Lil Nas X Appearing On Red Carpet Dressed As 17th-Century Puritan Minister
1/26/2020 - Pro Bowl Players Not In Game Asked To Sit In Stands To Make Stadium Look Less Empty
1/24/2020 - China Locks Down 6 Cities To Combat Coronavirus
1/24/2020 - Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election
1/24/2020 - Acquaintances At Happy Hour Break Into Cold Sweat As Mutual Friend Announces She Going To Bathroom
1/24/2020 - Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues
1/24/2020 - The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions
1/24/2020 - Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is
1/24/2020 - Doomsday Clock Set To 100 Seconds To Midnight
1/24/2020 - Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child
1/24/2020 - Trump Woos March For Life Crowd By Kissing Supporter’s Unborn Baby
1/24/2020 - Eli Manning Retires From NFL To Focus On Being Statistically Average Father
1/24/2020 - Want To Live To 100? Why?
1/23/2020 - Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean
1/23/2020 - Judge Denies Dismissal Of Lewdness Charges For Woman Found Topless In Own Home
1/23/2020 - Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can
1/23/2020 - ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ DLC Developers Panicking After Realizing ‘Shrek’ Not Owned By Disney
1/23/2020 - U.S. Joins One Trillion Tree Pledge
1/23/2020 - New Comcast Bundle Deal Includes 24/7 Live-In Technical Support
1/23/2020 - Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declaring It Extinct
1/22/2020 - ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On The Hall-Of-Fame Career Of A-Rod’s Teammate
1/22/2020 - Kellyanne Conway Suggests MLK Would Have Opposed Trump Impeachment
1/22/2020 - Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial
1/22/2020 - 5 Things To Know About Prince Harry And Meghan Markle’s Split From The Royal Family
1/22/2020 - Financial Experts Recommend Just Waiting Until Chaos Is Law Of The Land
1/22/2020 - Hillary Clinton Attacks Bernie Sanders In New Interview
1/22/2020 - PornHub Announces Contest To Allow One User Under 18 To View Content
1/22/2020 - God Stumbles On Old, Beat-Up Planet That He Carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ All Over
1/22/2020 - Senate Republicans Force Through Resolution Establishing Wingstop As Official Sponsor Of Impeachment Trial
1/22/2020 - ‘Well, I Could Do That’ Says Art Museum Attendee Viewing Security Guard On Lunch Break
1/22/2020 - The Boeing 747 Turns 50
1/22/2020 - 30-Minute Silence In Car Broken With ‘We’re Making Good Time’
1/21/2020 - Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic Nomination
1/21/2020 - Greta Thunberg Speaks On Climate At Davos 2020
1/21/2020 - Impatient Man Forced To Wait To Have Sex Until Wife Finished Giving Birth
1/21/2020 - First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring
1/21/2020 - Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden
1/21/2020 - ‘Times’ Gives Klobuchar, Warren 2020 Endorsement
1/21/2020 - Area Dad Sure Knows A Lot About Local Weather Woman
1/21/2020 - Tips To Improve Your Skiing
1/21/2020 - Report: Clicking This Link Will Add You To Several FBI Watchlists
1/21/2020 - Recipe Clipping On Fridge Officially Outlives Newspaper It Came From
1/21/2020 - Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did
1/21/2020 - Real-Life ‘Katamari’! This Drunk Driver Is Still Dragging The Cyclist He Hit
1/21/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2020
1/20/2020 - Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World
1/20/2020 - ‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk
1/20/2020 - TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip
1/20/2020 - Civil Whites Movement
1/20/2020 - Deal Alert: This 4-Year-Old Wandered Really Far From The Playground, Your Car’s Right There, And Her Parents Would Definitely Cough Up Enough For A Marvel 3-In-1 Arcade Machine To Get Her Back
1/20/2020 - Amazon Reviewer Posts Selfie With Purchased Toaster
1/20/2020 - Female James Bond Ruled Out By Series Producer
1/20/2020 - Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane
1/20/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 20, 2020
1/18/2020 - Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces
1/17/2020 - Grindr, Tinder Sharing User Data With Third Party
1/17/2020 - Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now
1/17/2020 - Underwear-Clad Senators Line Up Before Congressional Doctor To Make Sure They Physically Fit For Impeachment
1/17/2020 - Senators Sworn In As Impeachment Trial Begins
1/17/2020 - Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders
1/17/2020 - Impressive ‘Super Smash Brothers’ Purist Only Plays Original SNES Or NES Game Each Character From
1/17/2020 - History Of The U.S. Census
1/17/2020 - NCAA Determines Becoming A Bengal Punishment Enough For Joe Burrow Taking Cash From Odell Beckham
1/17/2020 - Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There
1/17/2020 - Oprah: Turns Out You Can Still Put A Photo Of Her On Your Magazine Cover Even If You Didn’t Land An Interview
1/16/2020 - CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism
1/16/2020 - Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador
1/16/2020 - 2019 Second-Hottest Year On Record
1/16/2020 - Jeff Bezos Donates $690,000 Directly Into Australian Fire
1/16/2020 - CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone
1/16/2020 - Study Estimates Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obese By 2030
1/16/2020 - Human Trafficker Not Getting Any Traction On This One
1/16/2020 - Tips For Flying With A Pet
1/16/2020 - Couple Decide They’re Better Off As Siblings
1/16/2020 - Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help
1/15/2020 - House To Send Impeachment Articles To Senate
1/15/2020 - Highlights Of The Seventh Democratic Debate
1/15/2020 - Articles Of Impeachment Sent Through Winding Maze Of Pneumatic Tubes On Journey To Senate
1/15/2020 - Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing
1/15/2020 - Democrats Attend Last Debate Before Start Of Voting
1/15/2020 - Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band
1/15/2020 - Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism
1/15/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Economic Sanctions
1/15/2020 - Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders
1/15/2020 - Top 10 Things To Do In New York City
1/15/2020 - Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors
1/15/2020 - Cereal Too Crispy, Needs To Soak
1/14/2020 - CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage
1/14/2020 - CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System
1/14/2020 - ‘Hey, Remember John Hickenlooper?’ Says Wolf Blitzer To Break Tension From Debate
1/14/2020 - CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate
1/14/2020 - Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love
1/14/2020 - Queen Elizabeth II Allows Prince Harry, Meghan Markle To Split Time Between U.K., Canada
1/14/2020 - 5G Technology By The Numbers
1/14/2020 - Increasingly Unwell Harvey Weinstein Arrives To Court As Jar Of Ashes
1/14/2020 - Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum
1/14/2020 - Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Race
1/14/2020 - Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction
1/14/2020 - Degeneration Gap
1/14/2020 - Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want
1/14/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 14, 2020
1/13/2020 - American Cancer Society Reports Largest-Ever Drop In Cancer Rates
1/13/2020 - Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference
1/13/2020 - Trump Warns Iran Not To Kill Any Protesters Who U.S. Already Has Dibs On
1/13/2020 - Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life
1/13/2020 - Report: Under One-Third Of Iowa, New Hampshire Voters Settled On Candidate
1/13/2020 - Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy
1/13/2020 - Pine Tree Lying On Curb Struggling To Understand Own Life Cycle
1/13/2020 - God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95
1/13/2020 - Landlord Figures He Can Pass Off Uninhabitable Shithole As ‘Great For Students’
1/13/2020 - Relationship Experts Urge You Not To Cheat On Significant Other Even Though Sex Will Feel Amazing And They Never Have To Know
1/13/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 13, 2020
1/10/2020 - U.S. Plagued By Widespread Website Crashes After Mouse Gets Into Internet
1/10/2020 - ‘How Does This Look?’ We Explore The Newest Winter Styles With This Cardboard Cutout Of Jon Hamm
1/10/2020 - Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Already Done
1/9/2020 - Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of Tiny Marble Abraham Lincolns
1/9/2020 - Archaeologists Discover Cave With Earliest Known Built-In Shelves
1/9/2020 - Man Validated After Discovering Popular Kid From High School Ended Up Bottoming Out Almost As Much As He Did
1/8/2020 - 5 Things To Know About The Australia Wildfires
1/8/2020 - Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die
1/8/2020 - Dentist Feels Blessed That He Still Gets Turned On By Teeth After All These Years
1/8/2020 - Dumb Tourists In Paris Gawking At Splendor Of Greatest Architectural Feats In Human History
1/7/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 7, 2020
1/7/2020 - Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism
1/7/2020 - Truffle Oil Embarrassed To Be Working With Low-Class Ingredients On Loaded Fries
1/6/2020 - Cat Treat Package Going On About Delicious, Creamy Center Too Much Not To Be Marketing To Humans
1/6/2020 - Ravages Of Age Claim Formerly Perky Beer Gut
1/6/2020 - Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun
1/6/2020 - Report: Everything Slightly Worse Than Yesterday
1/1/2020 - About ‘The Topical’