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2020 June
6/30/2020 - Best Recipe Blogs
6/30/2020 - Friends Itching To Destroy Man Excitedly Sharing Factoid That Actually Common Knowledge
6/30/2020 - God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s Wife
6/30/2020 - CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson Family
6/30/2020 - Dixieland Banned
6/29/2020 - New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With Taste For The Exotic
6/29/2020 - Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together
6/29/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 29, 2020
6/29/2020 - Delivery Bag Gets Battlefield Promotion Up To Napkin
6/29/2020 - Russian Bathhouse Guest Having Trouble Relaxing Over Sound Of Eastern-European Gangsters Planning Assassinations
6/29/2020 - Judge Rules Devin Nunes Can’t Sue Twitter Over Cow Parody Account
6/26/2020 - Disney’s Splash Mountain To Be Rethemed As ‘Princess And The Frog’
6/26/2020 - ‘Remember, You Are Mortal,’ Advisor Says To Garland-Covered Water Reclamation Supervisor During Swearing-In Ceremony
6/26/2020 - NASA To Rename Building In Honor of ‘Hidden Figures’ Actress Octavia Spencer
6/26/2020 - What’s Behind The Recent Increase In Reports Of Fireworks?
6/26/2020 - Most Anticipated Games Of The Summer
6/26/2020 - Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs
6/26/2020 - AMC Unveils Covid-19 Guidelines Requiring All Movie Characters To Wear Masks
6/26/2020 - Giant Sahara Desert Dust Plume Headed For U.S.
6/25/2020 - Suburban Town Devastated After Only Live Performance Venue Closes
6/25/2020 - Bayer To Pay $10 Billion In Roundup Settlement
6/25/2020 - Heaven Flush With Cash After Trump Administration Sends $1.4 Billion In Stimulus To Dead Americans
6/25/2020 - Jilted Lover Keying Cheater’s Car Realizes She Should Have Started Further Over
6/25/2020 - What If We Just Called It ‘Milk?’: Meet The Marketing Genius Who Single-Handedly Saved The Cow Discharge Industry
6/25/2020 - Tips For Online Job Interviews
6/25/2020 - Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House
6/25/2020 - Texas Children Open Oil Derrick To Splash Around On Hot Day
6/25/2020 - Segway Suspends Scooter Production
6/24/2020 - Researchers Predict Pandemic Could Result In 500,000 Fewer U.S. Births
6/24/2020 - Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary
6/24/2020 - Gamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody Reported Us Missing When We Didn’t Cover The ‘Ratchet & Clank’ News
6/24/2020 - New Ultra-Reinforced Confederate Statue Includes Electrified Metal, Titanium Spikes
6/24/2020 - Defiant Florida Officials Announce They Will Ignore Saudi Government Lockdown By Holding Hajj To Mecca
6/24/2020 - Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void
6/24/2020 - Pros And Cons Of D.C. Statehood
6/24/2020 - Officials Warn Defunding Police Could Lead To Spike In Crime From Ex-Officers With No Outlet For Violence
6/24/2020 - Single Thick Black Hair Wondering Where It Made Wrong Turn After Popping Out Of Woman’s Chin Again
6/24/2020 - America’s Most Controversial Monuments
6/24/2020 - IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger
6/24/2020 - Cat Sticks Paw Around Corner Like Life Some Big Fosse Routine
6/24/2020 - Milky Way Could Harbor 6 Billion Earth-Like Planets
6/23/2020 - Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential
6/23/2020 - Civil Whites
6/23/2020 - Biden Agrees To 3 Debates With Trump
6/23/2020 - MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name
6/23/2020 - Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans
6/23/2020 - Tips For Composting
6/23/2020 - Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts
6/23/2020 - Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type
6/23/2020 - Ford Delays Launch Of New Bronco To Avoid O.J. Simpson’s Birthday
6/22/2020 - White House Announces Entire U.S. Populace Of 6,200 Attended Trump’s Tulsa Rally
6/22/2020 - Facebook Announces Plan To Break Up U.S. Government Before It Becomes Too Powerful
6/22/2020 - Biden Outraises Trump For First Time
6/22/2020 - Dog Owner Not Sure How City Expects Her To Pick Up Every Drop Of Dog Piss In Little Bag
6/22/2020 - Public Pressure Mounts For U.S. Government To Stop Designating KKK As 501(c)(3) Nonprofit
6/22/2020 - Day Mockingly Beautiful
6/22/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 22, 2020
6/22/2020 - Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday
6/19/2020 - Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked
6/19/2020 - The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All
6/19/2020 - Staples Center Employee Realizes He Left Shot Clock Buzzer On This Whole Time
6/19/2020 - Father’s Day Gifts That Will Make Your Dad Feel Exactly The Way He Already Feels
6/19/2020 - Huh, Boyfriend’s Ex Just Made Interesting Hair Choice
6/19/2020 - Mom Comes Back From Long Call With Friend Looking Real Sad
6/19/2020 - ‘It’s Perfect Outside,’ Announces Sweating Woman Slowly Losing Consciousness In Middle Of Heatstroke
6/19/2020 - Man Hates How Hot Dog-Eating Contests Reduce Art Of Eating Hot Dogs To A Competition
6/19/2020 - Kristen Stewart To Play Princess Diana In Upcoming Biopic
6/19/2020 - Resigned Pew Research Study Has No Fucking Clue What’s Going On With 15% Of Americans
6/18/2020 - Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben’s Brands To Be Overhauled
6/18/2020 - Traveling Contortionist Excited To Get Off The Road And Finally Stop Living Inside Suitcase
6/18/2020 - White House Toilet Doesn’t Know If It Can Handle Another 4 Years Of Trump
6/18/2020 - Kentucky Attorney General So Starstruck By Letter From Beyoncé He Unable To Even Read What It’s About
6/18/2020 - Researchers Find Crows Smart Enough Not To Let On How Smart They Really Are
6/18/2020 - Sony Reveals PS5 Fully Customizable With Different Little Hats
6/18/2020 - ‘And What Do We Want To Do About This Nest Full Of Baby Sparrows?’ Asks Barber Giving Man His First Haircut In 6 Months
6/18/2020 - Report: This A Goddamn Walk In The Park Compared To What’s Coming In 2027
6/18/2020 - Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction
6/18/2020 - American Airlines Suspends Alcohol Service For Economy Class
6/17/2020 - Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy
6/17/2020 - 7-Eleven Cancels Free Slurpee Day
6/17/2020 - William Howard Taft Historian Confident Solution To Nation’s Troubles Can Be Found In Storied Career Of William Howard Taft
6/17/2020 - NASA Launches Paparazzo Rover In Beverly Hills To Search For Signs Of Salacious Celebrity Life
6/17/2020 - Sweat-Soaked Mattress Praying This The Year Couple Invests In Air Conditioner
6/17/2020 - Manipulative Stepmom Only Married Dad So She Could Take Care Of Him Into Old Age
6/17/2020 - Report: There Already 5 Million Players Who Are Better Than You’ll Ever Be At ‘Valorant’
6/17/2020 - Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option
6/17/2020 - Disgusted Patio Diner Pretty Sure She Just Saw Coronavirus Scurry Into Bushes
6/17/2020 - 2021 Oscars Postponed 2 Months
6/16/2020 - Entire Oklahoma State Team To Boycott Season After Mike Gundy Seen In NCAA Shirt
6/16/2020 - Scientists Discover Mysterious Radio Transmission From Space That Repeats 50-Minute Intervals Of Nonstop Classic Rock Blocks
6/16/2020 - 42-Year-Old Man Still Unsure What His Interests Are
6/16/2020 - Supreme Court Rules Federal Law Protects LGBT Workers
6/16/2020 - ‘More Tranquil Dammit!’ Screams Perfectionist Ambient Sound Producer Demanding Another Take From Babbling Creek
6/16/2020 - Over 500,000 Americans Sign Petition Demanding End To Coronavirus
6/16/2020 - Jeff Bezos Depressed After Realizing Net Worth Still Just Number Known To Man
6/16/2020 - Birch Tree Pictures Nude 4,000-Year-Old Bristlecone Pine To Delay Pollen Release
6/16/2020 - NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint
6/16/2020 - Passing Lane
6/16/2020 - Fantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy
6/16/2020 - Weight Watchers Debuts New Ad Asking If You Remember Time Grandma Said ‘Someone Got Heavy’ In Front Of Everybody
6/16/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 16, 2020
6/16/2020 - Melania Trump Renegotiated Prenup Before Moving Into White House
6/15/2020 - The Biggest Titles Announced At The PS5 Game Lineup Event
6/15/2020 - ‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works
6/15/2020 - 36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5
6/15/2020 - Covid-19 Cases Spike In 21 States
6/15/2020 - Adidas Unveils New Line Of Soccer Stuff
6/15/2020 - Amazon Temporarily Halts Police Use Of Facial Recognition Software Until It Can Perfect ‘Other Faces You Might Be Interested In’ Feature
6/15/2020 - Former DEA Officer Pleads Guilty To Posing As CIA Agent In Fraud Scheme
6/15/2020 - City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over
6/15/2020 - ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half
6/15/2020 - Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote
6/15/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 15, 2020
6/12/2020 - Lady Antebellum Changes Name
6/12/2020 - Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Cares’ On Their Livestream
6/12/2020 - Sorry Gamers: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again Because Naughty Dog’s Headquarters Fell Into The Ocean
6/12/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Removing Historical Statues
6/12/2020 - Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Pancakes Sometimes
6/12/2020 - Red Sox Ask Fans To Switch From Racial To Homophobic Slurs When Taunting Opposing Players
6/12/2020 - Showrunner Worried This A Bad Time For New Series About 2 Cop Best Friends Who Get Neo-Nazi Roommate
6/12/2020 - Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony
6/12/2020 - Crabs: Did Evolving Chitinous Exoskeletons And Strong Pincers Send The Wrong Message To America’s Impressionable Teens?
6/12/2020 - Archaeologists May Have Discovered Oldest Theater In London
6/11/2020 - Stimulus Dreck
6/11/2020 - Tips For Going To Protests
6/11/2020 - TV Show ‘Cops’ Cancelled
6/11/2020 - Anna Kendrick’s ‘Love Life’ Pulled From HBO Max Until It Can Return With Historical Context
6/11/2020 - South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban
6/11/2020 - No Way In Hell Man Going To Start Examining Relationship With Food Right Now
6/11/2020 - White Ally Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Make Sure People Won’t Be Mad At Him
6/11/2020 - Treasure Chest Buried In Rocky Mountains Discovered
6/11/2020 - New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway
6/11/2020 - Controversial Photos Of Dem Leaders Wearing Kente Cloth Resurface From 3 Days Ago
6/11/2020 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The King Of Staten Island’
6/10/2020 - Astronaut Becomes First Woman To Reach Deepest Point In Ocean
6/10/2020 - U.K. Demonstrators Tear Down Statue Of Slave Trader
6/10/2020 - Woman On Sidewalk Can’t Even Summon Kernel Of Whimsy Required To Skip Along Hopscotch
6/10/2020 - Timeline Of Trump’s Response To The George Floyd Protests
6/10/2020 - 37-Year-Old Worried He Might Have Missed Boat On Becoming Child Prodigy
6/10/2020 - Biden Flattered His 1994 Crime Bill Suddenly Starting To Receive So Much Attention
6/10/2020 - ‘Trump Is Finally Done, Trump Is Finally Done,’ Says Strait-Jacketed Opinion Columnist Babbling To Cup Of Applesauce
6/10/2020 - Georgia Secretary Of State Vows To Investigate Why Some Residents Forced To Wait 2 Centuries To Vote
6/10/2020 - ‘Banjo-Kazooie’ Fans Will Love This: This Man Threw His Bird On The Ground
6/10/2020 - Adopt-A-Slide: These 10 Slides Still Need A Slideshow Home
6/10/2020 - Second Meal After Grocery Trip A Severe Drop-Off From First Meal After Grocery Trip
6/10/2020 - WHO Walks Back Claim That Covid-19 Can Only Be Transmitted Through Locking Eyes With One True Love
6/10/2020 - Woman Begins Defeated Slog Back Upstairs To Apartment To Retrieve Forgotten Mask
6/10/2020 - TV Critic Struggling To Explain Appeal Of Watching Television To Average American
6/10/2020 - Tuba Player In John Williams Orchestra Loves Giving Little Toot When Something Dramatic Happens
6/10/2020 - NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018
6/9/2020 - U.S. Economy Officially Entered Recession In February
6/9/2020 - ‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Editor Defends Publishing Comic By Tom Cotton
6/9/2020 - Woman Who Hasn’t Attended Protest Yet Hoping Police Brutality Still Going On Next Week Too
6/9/2020 - Major Hype: Gamers Have Been Divorcing Their Spouses Because They Aren’t As Beautiful As The Graphics On ‘Unreal Engine 5’
6/9/2020 - 8-Month Odyssey Of Distress, Despair Ends In Redemption As Man Finally Gets Around To Buying Batteries For Remote
6/9/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2020
6/9/2020 - National Guard By The Numbers
6/9/2020 - Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr.
6/9/2020 - ‘Moms Are The Real Heroes,’ Reads New Comment On 2015 ‘Ant-Man’ Trailer
6/9/2020 - Everyone Who Learned Of Our Dalliance With The Colonel This Year
6/9/2020 - Apparently Even Fence Feels Need To Comment On Woman’s Appearance
6/9/2020 - Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam Will Not Have Guns In ‘Looney Tunes’ Reboot
6/8/2020 - Poll Finds Two-Thirds Of Americans Think Trump Has Made Racial Tensions Worse
6/8/2020 - TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids
6/8/2020 - Congress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or Statue
6/8/2020 - Company Issues Statement Announcing They Stand With Rejected Black Applicants
6/8/2020 - Wriggling Cat To Be Held Until It Accepts Its Fate
6/8/2020 - Kyrie Irving Suggests NBA Hold Games Inside Higher Plane Of Reality Beyond Limits Of Mortal Realm
6/8/2020 - 15 Popes They Didn’t Tell You About In Sunday School
6/8/2020 - New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure
6/8/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 8, 2020
6/8/2020 - YouTube Star Jake Paul Charged With Trespassing
6/5/2020 - General Mattis Condemns Trump As Threat To Constitution
6/5/2020 - Two Buffalo Police Officers Suspended After Staining Clean Sidewalk With Blood
6/5/2020 - Police Chief Vows To Take Concrete Steps To Better Cover Up Violence
6/5/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Curfew Laws
6/5/2020 - Buffalo Police Request Reinforcements Until Elderly-Man Rampages Fully Contained
6/5/2020 - Oakland Athletics Stadium Immediately Converted Into Condos After Team Misses Rent Payment
6/5/2020 - Letdown: Naughty Dog Says They Worked So Hard On ‘The Last Of Us II’s Amazing Cutscenes, They Only Had Time To Create A Basic Word Puzzler For Gameplay
6/5/2020 - Family Left Elderly Grandmother To Die In Nursing Home But Not Like This
6/5/2020 - Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality
6/5/2020 - Georgia Governor Orders Statue Of Robert E. Lee To Be Replaced With Larger Statue Of Robert E. Lee
6/5/2020 - Richmond, Virginia Mayor Issues Ordinance To Remove Confederate Statues
6/4/2020 - Snapchat To Stop Promoting Trump’s Account
6/4/2020 - The Greatest NBA Teams Of All Time
6/4/2020 - U.S. Flag Can’t Believe Fucking Wuss Cries Every Time National Anthem Plays
6/4/2020 - Republican Leaders Claim New Yorkers Will Greet U.S. Military As Liberators
6/4/2020 - How Coronavirus Is Changing Religious Worship
6/4/2020 - Drew Brees Admits He Doesn’t Trust Black People Ever Since Falcons Linebacker Stole Football Straight Out Of His Hands
6/4/2020 - On Top Of Everything, Man’s Allergies Also Acting Up
6/4/2020 - Mark Zuckerberg Announces Virtual Roundtable With American Hate Groups To Better Understand How They Work
6/4/2020 - Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography
6/4/2020 - Minnesota Launches Civil Rights Probe Against Minneapolis PD
6/3/2020 - Jay-Z Takes Out Full-Page Ad To Honor George Floyd
6/3/2020 - ‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation
6/3/2020 - How To Reform The Police
6/3/2020 - Primaried Steve King Glad He At Least Won’t Have To Be PC Anymore
6/3/2020 - 5 Things To Know About The George Floyd Protests
6/3/2020 - Police Defend Use Of Non-Lethal Rubber Tires On Protestors
6/3/2020 - Democratic Leaders Announce That They’ve Learned The Words ‘Systemic Racism’
6/3/2020 - Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants
6/3/2020 - Americans Buying More Frozen Foods During Pandemic
6/2/2020 - Facebook Employees Stage Virtual Walkout
6/2/2020 - ‘She Needs A Bible Now, Fuckwad—Yes, It’s For An Epic Clapback!’ Yells Panicked Pelosi Aide Into Phone
6/2/2020 - Auntie Anne’s Breaks From Pack By Calling For Protesters To Be Shot
6/2/2020 - Trump Throws Garbage Can Through McDonald’s Window Before Looting $2,000 In Big Macs
6/2/2020 - Police Didn’t Spend Millions On Awesome Tank Just To Let Protests Stay Peaceful
6/2/2020 - Roger Goodell Insists Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Wanted 17-Game Football Season In Front Of Full Stadiums
6/2/2020 - Community Of Losers Comes Together To Clean Graffiti Off Multinational Banking Conglomerate
6/2/2020 - Cities Nationwide Placed Under Curfews
6/2/2020 - De Blasio: ‘It Is An Honor To Have My Daughter Doxxed By The Greatest Police Force In The World’
6/2/2020 - 9 Things Introverts Do All The Time
6/2/2020 - How To Handle Disagreements About Social Distancing
6/2/2020 - An Acquired Waste
6/2/2020 - Old Bike Chain Needing More And More Lube To Perform
6/2/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 2, 2020
6/2/2020 - Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land
6/1/2020 - Minneapolis, New York City Bus Drivers Refuse To Help Police Transport Protestors
6/1/2020 - Sweatshop Worker Devastated To Hear Jacket She Worked So Hard On Looted
6/1/2020 - ‘Let Them Have Eric,’ Screams Trump While Pushing Son Through Door Of Bunker
6/1/2020 - Cop Unable To Move After Taping Over Badge, Body Cam, Face, Body
6/1/2020 - Miami Mayor Suggests Citizens May Be Able To Resume Grinding On Each Other By July 1
6/1/2020 - Trump Claims U.S. Will Designate Antifa A Terrorist Organization
6/1/2020 - Study Finds Majority Of Times Either Too Early Or Too Late
6/1/2020 - Fed Chairman Downloads Budgeting App To Help Manage Nation’s Economy
6/1/2020 - 7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die
6/1/2020 - Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters
6/1/2020 - CNN Turns 40
6/1/2020 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 1, 2020
6/1/2020 - Grandmother’s Final Words ‘Have When It Together On It Go Family’