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2020 November
11/30/2020 - NBA Figures They Garnered Enough Praise To Let All The Players Get Covid Now
11/30/2020 - Defensive Ron Howard: ‘You Try Making A Good Movie About Fucking Hillbillies’
11/30/2020 - Man Wondering If Scene From ‘The Crown’ Where Queen Elizabeth Drinks Tea Actually Happened
11/30/2020 - Pope Francis Urges World To Give ‘The Newsroom’ Another Chance
11/30/2020 - 12-Year-Old Admitted To Georgia Tech
11/30/2020 - Doctors Concerned As Hairline Fracture In Biden’s Foot Spreads Through Entire Skeleton
11/30/2020 - Deal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Over How Weird He Is
11/30/2020 - Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell
11/30/2020 - Pantene Unveils New Color Shine Shampoo That Makes Hair So Radiant It Shall Blind Anyone Who Gazes Upon It
11/30/2020 - Cyber Monday By The Numbers
11/27/2020 - Annoying Coworker Keeps Sending After-Hours Emails That He's Trapped In Office Elevator
11/27/2020 - Satan Offering Black Friday Deal To Trade Only 50% Of Soul For Lifetime Of Riches
11/27/2020 - Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If He Were Canadian
11/27/2020 - Introduction Of Giancarlo Esposito Suggests Main Character Now Totally Fucked
11/27/2020 - South Dakota Unveils New ‘Come Die Here’ Tourism Campaign
11/27/2020 - Here We Come A -Wassaulting
11/27/2020 - Pervert Gets 10 Yards Taken Off Of His Restraining Order For Good Behavior
11/26/2020 - How We’re Celebrating Thanksgiving In The Coronavirus Pandemic
11/26/2020 - ‘Addison, Say Hi!’ Announce Nation’s Aunts Momentarily Pointing Webcam On Surly 13-Year-Old Cousin
11/26/2020 - Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life
11/26/2020 - Nation’s Relatives Call For Little Zoom Tour Of Your Apartment
11/26/2020 - American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
11/26/2020 - Nation Even More Unsure Than Usual Whether To Hug Cousin
11/26/2020 - Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
11/25/2020 - Parents Allow Excited Children To Tear Open One Turkey For Thanksgiving Eve
11/25/2020 - Unexplained Metal Monolith Discovered In Utah
11/25/2020 - Biden Receives First Box Of Wadded-Up Napkins And Receipts Comprising Trump Intelligence Briefing
11/25/2020 - Brief Viewing Of BET Ushers Caucasian Into Alternate World Of African American Advertisements
11/25/2020 - Tommy Tuberville Slammed For Using Free Car, Auburn Cheerleaders To Recruit 5-Star Senate Intern
11/25/2020 - Vast Beauty Of Infinite Creation Dimly Reflected In Glare On TV Screen
11/25/2020 - Jo Jorgensen Supporters Go Back To Talking Excitedly About Submarines
11/25/2020 - Gamers, We Pulled Some Strings And We’re Pleased To Announce That The Common Loon Is Now Officially The Gaming Bird
11/25/2020 - Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving
11/25/2020 - Millions Travel Home For Thanksgiving Despite CDC Warnings
11/24/2020 - White House Guests Sprayed With Viscera After Pardoned Turkey Wanders Into Landscaping Crew’s Wood Chipper
11/24/2020 - Staff Slowly Introducing Biden To Oval-Shaped Rooms For Smoother Transition To White House
11/24/2020 - GM To Recall 7 Million Vehicles
11/24/2020 - Grief Psychologists Say Best Way To Cope With Death In The Family Is Dropping 50 In NBA Game
11/24/2020 - CDC Shuts Down Thanksgiving Travel By Carrying Out Simultaneous Attacks On All Of Nation’s Airports, Train Stations
11/24/2020 - Health Department Adds Steps To Heimlich Maneuver Poster Where Choking Victim Finishes Food They Coughed Up
11/24/2020 - Facts Carefully Redacted From Travel Story To Avoid Revealing It Mission Trip
11/24/2020 - Purity Ring Powerless Against Cody
11/24/2020 - ‘Toy Story’ Turns 25
11/24/2020 - Report: At Least Flight Home To Be Little Less Crowded
11/24/2020 - Giuliani Wheels Straitjacket-Wearing Trump Into Courtroom In Bid To Win Election With Insanity Defense
11/24/2020 - Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
11/24/2020 - Fauci Says Santa Immune To Coronavirus
11/23/2020 - Chris Christie Calls Trump’s Legal Team A ‘National Embarrassment’
11/23/2020 - Historians Say That First Thanksgiving Wasn’t Total Fuckfest That’s Taught In Schools
11/23/2020 - ‘Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father's Video Conference
11/23/2020 - Biden Announces Secretary Of Health And Human Services Will Be Ring Of Diverse Children Holding Hands
11/23/2020 - Mom Explains New Wildly Ill-Informed Measures To Keep Family Safe During Thanksgiving
11/23/2020 - New Covid Cases Expected To Level Off As Trend Line Reaches Top Of Graph
11/23/2020 - Coronavirus Optimistic New Mutation Will Be Widely Available To Public By Early Spring
11/23/2020 - Deal Alert: The Quantity Of Raw Plastic And Silicon That Makes Up An Xbox Series X Can Be Yours For Just $8.27
11/23/2020 - How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey
11/23/2020 - Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
11/23/2020 - Pope Francis’ Instagram Likes Photo Of Bikini Model
11/22/2020 - Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work
11/20/2020 - Buzzfeed To Acquire HuffPost
11/20/2020 - Crab Always Gets Little Thrill Crawling Over Bleached Skeleton Of Pirate On Secluded Beach
11/20/2020 - Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle
11/20/2020 - FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluating New Bagged Salad Kit
11/20/2020 - The Worst Sports Teams Of All Time
11/20/2020 - Report: You Were Lonely Before The Pandemic Started, And You’ll Be Lonely After It Ends
11/20/2020 - Man On Zoom Date Unsure If He Expected To Pay Internet Bill
11/20/2020 - Cloaked Man On White Steed Sick Of People Asking Him For Tidings From The North
11/20/2020 - The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability
11/20/2020 - Lakers 2021 NBA City Uniforms Honor Los Angeles With New On-Fire Design
11/20/2020 - Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire
11/20/2020 - Park Shelter Good A Place As Any To Be Deflowered
11/20/2020 - 40% Of Americans Plan To Attend Large Thanksgiving Celebrations
11/19/2020 - ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack
11/19/2020 - Tips For Telling Your Family You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays
11/19/2020 - ‘People’ Names Michael B. Jordan Sexiest Man Alive
11/19/2020 - Best Grace Scenario
11/19/2020 - Winners And Losers Of The 2020 NBA Draft
11/19/2020 - Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Contemporary Cuisine
11/19/2020 - New California Law Reclassifies Outdoor Dining As Any Restaurant Located Outside
11/19/2020 - Omarion Figures He No Longer Famous Enough To Have To Leave Huge Tip
11/19/2020 - Desperate NBA Prospects Crowd Around List Taped To ESPN Bulletin Board To See Who Got Drafted
11/19/2020 - Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities Too
11/19/2020 - Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years
11/19/2020 - New Orleans Bans Mardi Gras Parades For 2021
11/18/2020 - Report: 78% Of NBA Prospects Found After Scout’s Car Breaks Down Near Barn Where Kid Shooting On Netless Hoop
11/18/2020 - Man Not Sure If He’s Tying Condom Correctly
11/18/2020 - Dolly Parton Donation Helps Fund Coronavirus Vaccine
11/18/2020 - Terrified Woman Begs Murderer Not To Decrease Property Values In The Neighborhood
11/18/2020 - Light Therapy Lamp Opts To Burn Down House Rather Than Face Depressed Man Yet Again
11/18/2020 - How Trump Is Challenging The Election Results
11/18/2020 - Mental Health Day Spent Spiraling
11/18/2020 - Highlights Of Obama’s New Memoir
11/18/2020 - Biden Insists Lack Of Cooperation From Trump Administration Won’t Interfere With 4 Years Of Total Political Inaction
11/18/2020 - Trevor Lawrence Inundated With Annoying Letters From Alumni Association Seeking Antibody Donations
11/18/2020 - Nurse Hoping That Extra-Comfy ICU Bed Free When She's Admitted As Patient In 2 Weeks
11/18/2020 - Covid Denier Struggling To Protest State’s Incoherent, Constantly Changing Coronavirus Policies
11/18/2020 - New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site
11/18/2020 - Alaska Airlines Jetliner Strikes Brown Bear During Landing
11/17/2020 - ‘Giannis To Hawks!’ Says Atlanta Fan Citing Twitter Account That Mostly Retweets Porn
11/17/2020 - Underachieving 31-Year-Old Now Talking About Following Dreams In Brooklyn
11/17/2020 - Harry Styles Becomes First Man To Appear Solo On ‘Vogue’ Cover
11/17/2020 - GOP Leaders Begin Search For Prissy, Miserable Shithead Who Can Compete With Trump In 2024
11/17/2020 - Hazardous Waste Facility Stuffs Batteries In Drawer Until They Figure Out What To Do With Them
11/17/2020 - Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving Is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore
11/17/2020 - Dustin Johnson Wins Masters Tournament
11/17/2020 - Governors Call On Gretchen Whitmer To Shut Down Their States So Residents Won’t Get Mad At Them
11/17/2020 - Private Eye Struggling To Meet Women Who Aren’t Suspect In Late Husband’s Murder
11/17/2020 - Famous Abandoned Cities
11/17/2020 - NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon
11/17/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 17, 2020
11/17/2020 - U.S. Sees Record High Covid-19 Hospitalizations
11/17/2020 - Review: The PS5 Is A Game-Changing Next-Gen Console That Santa Just Can’t Afford Right Now, Okay, Sport?
11/16/2020 - NASA Curiosity Rover Plummets 100 Feet Off Martian Crater Edge While Trying To Take Selfie
11/16/2020 - Boyfriend Announces Kneecap Apparently Worst Place To Get Shot
11/16/2020 - No Amount Of Training Could Have Prepared Cat For First Experience Seeing Mouse In Real Life
11/16/2020 - Man Who Laid It On Thick About Quitting Job Not Such Hot Shit During Pandemic
11/16/2020 - Experts Confirm Virus Stockpile Large Enough To Prevent Any Covid Shortages This Winter
11/16/2020 - Ah, Shoot: We Forgot To Drain Our Xbox Over The Weekend And Now All The Game Fluid Leaked Out
11/16/2020 - Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night
11/16/2020 - Trump Furious After Finding Issue Of ‘Washington Post’ Hidden Under Barron's Mattress
11/16/2020 - Ring Recalls 350,000 Doorbells After Several Catch Fire
11/14/2020 - Parents Cheer As 8-Year-Old Son Chokes Out Opponent In UFC Jr. League Match
11/13/2020 - What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House
11/13/2020 - Pence Creates Exploratory Committee To Find More Charismatic Candidate To Attach Self To In 2024
11/13/2020 - Global Measles Cases Reach 23-Year High
11/13/2020 - Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
11/13/2020 - Panicking Chicagoans Stuff Pockets With As Much Giardiniera As Possible Ahead Of Stay-At-Home Order
11/13/2020 - Fans Concerned After Oprah’s Favorite Things List Just 6-Pack Of Miller Lite
11/13/2020 - Teary-Eyed Trump Finally Accepts Election Defeat After Watching Slideshow Of Presidency Set To Vitamin C’s ‘Graduation (Friends Forever)’
11/13/2020 - N.Y. Jets Sued For Millions After Using Unlicensed Cheering Sounds From Other Teams
11/13/2020 - Heroin Destroys Promising Young Spoon
11/13/2020 - Michelle Obama Fuming After Barack Also Titles New Memoir ‘Becoming’
11/13/2020 - Irresponsible Neighbor Having Ton Of People Over During Pandemic
11/13/2020 - Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets
11/13/2020 - Failed Art Restoration Draws Calls For Stricter Oversight
11/13/2020 - The Must-Have Xbox Series X Launch Titles
11/12/2020 - Britney Spears Loses Bid To Remove Father As Conservator
11/12/2020 - ‘So, Do You Play?’ Asks Girlfriend’s Little Brother, Gesturing Grandly To Ping-Pong Table
11/12/2020 - Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy
11/12/2020 - Jared Goff, Rams Come To Terms On 2-Year Contract Reduction
11/12/2020 - Sweating, Pantsless Giuliani Emerges From Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier
11/12/2020 - Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage
11/12/2020 - Clothing Tips For Cold Weather
11/12/2020 - New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope
11/12/2020 - Covid Patient Told To Go Throw Himself On Body Pile Until Hospital Bed Freed Up
11/12/2020 - View To A Kilt
11/12/2020 - ‘Full House’ Home Purchased For $5.35 Million
11/11/2020 - ‘I...I Am The Mainstream Media,’ Realizes Horrified Tucker Carlson Spiraling Live On Air
11/11/2020 - Apologetic Man Regrets Driving Wedge Into Country By Voting
11/11/2020 - CDC Issues Updated Thanksgiving Guidelines
11/11/2020 - Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals
11/11/2020 - Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses
11/11/2020 - Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
11/11/2020 - History Of Presidential Transitions Of Power
11/11/2020 - Jeff Bezos Wears Disguise To Secretly Assess Whole Foods Employees
11/11/2020 - Asshole Monk Hogging Meditation Spot Under Waterfall For Whole Hour Now
11/11/2020 - Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom
11/11/2020 - Mother Bear And Cub Shot Attempting To Board Nuclear Submarine
11/10/2020 - McDonald’s To Launch ‘McPlant’ Meat Alternative
11/10/2020 - Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
11/10/2020 - Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New Sacrament
11/10/2020 - Fucking Big Shot Chef Over Here Announces Plans To Smoke Turkey This Year
11/10/2020 - Report: 70% Of Republicans Believe Election Hasn’t Happened Yet
11/10/2020 - How To Fight Sugar Cravings
11/10/2020 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 10, 2020
11/10/2020 - OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider
11/10/2020 - Michigan Woman With 14 Sons Gives Birth To Daughter
11/9/2020 - Trump Claims Over 70 Million Biden Votes Came From People Who Should Be Dead
11/9/2020 - Alex Trebek Politely Listens To Lame Anecdote About Time Archangel Saw Bear
11/9/2020 - Joe Biden Announces Coronavirus Task Force
11/9/2020 - Nation Hopeful For Better Future Where Activist Celebrities Will Finally Shut The Fuck Up
11/9/2020 - Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus
11/9/2020 - Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night
11/9/2020 - Media Glad It Can Finally End Half-Assed Charade Of Trying To Understand American Populace
11/9/2020 - Pastor To Justin Bieber, Other Celebs Fired For ‘Moral Failures’
11/7/2020 - QAnon Followers Frustrated After Q Calls For Respecting Election Results, Uniting Behind Biden
11/7/2020 - Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now
11/7/2020 - Stress Of Presidency Already Ages Biden 10 Years
11/7/2020 - Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son
11/7/2020 - Emotional Melania Slowly Mixes Cyanide Into Son's Morning Oatmeal
11/7/2020 - Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment
11/7/2020 - Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus
11/7/2020 - Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win
11/7/2020 - ‘You Have Disappointed Me,’ Trump Tells Room Full Of Supporters While Strapping On Gas Mask
11/7/2020 - Today’s Historic Front Page: Nov. 7, 2020
11/6/2020 - The Must-Have PS5 Launch Games
11/6/2020 - Media Condemns Biden For Baseless Claim That Nation Will Come Together Once Election Over
11/6/2020 - Kosovo President Steps Down To Face War Crimes Charges
11/6/2020 - TV Networks Cut Away From Trump After He Starts Lying 4 Years Ago
11/6/2020 - Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream
11/6/2020 - Pros And Cons Of Political Polling
11/6/2020 - Libya Hit With ‘Gargantuan’ Hail
11/5/2020 - Utah Votes To Remove Slavery As Punishment For Crime From Constitution
11/5/2020 - Trump Knocks Self Out After Running Headfirst Into Vote-Counting Facility Glass Doors
11/5/2020 - Panicked Trump Agrees To Zoom Debate
11/5/2020 - Trump Files Lawsuit In Pennsylvania Alleging Election Officials Totally Disregarding His Feelings
11/5/2020 - Conservatives Outraged After Finding Hundreds Of Votes For Trump Spray-Painted On Jewish Graves
11/5/2020 - Nation Never Wants To See Color Red Or Blue Ever Again
11/5/2020 - CNN Production Assistant Dutifully Shoots Another Round Of Uppers Into Wolf Blitzer’s Butt Cheek
11/5/2020 - Democratic Strategists Hold Screening Of ‘Three Amigos’ In Order To Better Understand Latino Culture
11/5/2020 - Tips For Wearing Contacts
11/5/2020 - Hundreds Of Shelter Cats And Dogs Flown From Hawaii To Mainland For Adoption
11/5/2020 - Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants
11/4/2020 - Passed California Ballot Measure Allows Uber, Lyft To Categorize Workers As Car Parts
11/4/2020 - 2020 Election Day Recap
11/4/2020 - Amy McGrath Blows Remaining Campaign Funds On Lavish Concession Bonanza
11/4/2020 - ‘How Can They Expect Me To Focus Today?’ Asks Man Putting In Usual Half-Assed Effort At Work
11/4/2020 - Nation Sees Fundamental Realignment In Which Voting Demographics Should Be Demonized
11/4/2020 - History Of Contested U.S. Elections
11/4/2020 - Johnny Depp Loses Libel Case Against British Tabloid
11/4/2020 - Newly Elected QAnon Congresswoman Worried She Selling Out By Working With Pedophile Cabal
11/4/2020 - Woman Loads Up On Discounted Voting Machines Day After Election
11/4/2020 - Whale Sculpture Saves Train From Crashing
11/3/2020 - CNN Seamstresses Frantically Updating Results On Electoral Map Quilt
11/3/2020 - Seizures Induced In Millions Of Americans As CNN Map Strobes Wildly Between Blue And Red
11/3/2020 - Flustered Wolf Blitzer Cuts To Malaysian Airplane Coverage To Distract From Lack Of Concrete Results
11/3/2020 - Ballot Balks
11/3/2020 - Poll: 94% Of Nation Would Rather Live In Authoritarian Dictatorship Than Wait 10 More Minutes For Results
11/3/2020 - Man Buys Couple Boxes Of Mac And Cheese In Case Society Descends Into Blood-Soaked Pandemonium
11/3/2020 - InfoWars Offers Readers Guide To Staying Psychotic, Violent During Stressful Election Day
11/3/2020 - Nation’s Poll Workers Whip Teams Of Oxen Pulling Wooden Gears To Process Ballots
11/3/2020 - ‘Baby Shark’ Becomes Most-Viewed Youtube Video Of All Time
11/3/2020 - Confused Man Obsessively Refreshing Ted Danson’s IMDB Page
11/3/2020 - 2020 Election Spending By The Numbers
11/3/2020 - ‘Not So Fast,’ Says Poll Watcher's Voice Echoing From Inside Ballot Box
11/3/2020 - Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins
11/3/2020 - Report: Nothing Could Go Wrong On A Day As Beautiful As This
11/3/2020 - Burger King, Popeyes Introduce ‘Predictive Selling Technology’
11/2/2020 - Poland Enters Day 12 Of Nationwide Protests Following Abortion Ruling
11/2/2020 - ‘I Knew They’d Come Back For Us,’ Say Trump Rally Attendees As Cloaked Figure Beckons Them Toward The Darkness
11/2/2020 - Trump Makes Last-Minute Campaign Stop To Rally Voters On Supreme Court
11/2/2020 - ‘I Am A Serial Rapist,’ Announces Trump In Final Pitch Before Election
11/2/2020 - Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
11/2/2020 - Woman Hopes She Did Enough Worrying To Help Biden Campaign
11/2/2020 - ‘See, I Clean Up Nice,’ Announces Ugly, Dirty Man In Suit
11/2/2020 - Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name
11/2/2020 - Cross Section Of Tree Suggests It May Have Gone Through Psychedelic Period During ’60s
11/2/2020 - Leopard Mauls Man Who Paid To Have Pictures Taken