4/30/2021 - Overweight Nephew Heaved Into Pool Like Anchor

4/30/2021 - FDA To Ban Menthol Cigarettes

4/30/2021 - White House Officials Watch In Horror As Major Biden Pulls Marine One Straight Out Of Sky

4/30/2021 - Deal Alert: Any Video Game At Any Price Is Inherently An Incredible Deal Because Video Games Are Great

4/30/2021 - What Federal Investigators Found In Rudy Giuliani’s Home

4/30/2021 - Devastated Man Questions How Economy Recovering From Pandemic If He Only Made $4.1 Million In Q1

4/30/2021 - Democrats Throw Justice Breyer Surprise Retirement Party Hoping He’ll Just Go With It

4/30/2021 - Artist Profile: Ariana Grande

4/30/2021 - Miami Private School Bars Vaccinated Teachers

4/30/2021 - Only Tree In Class Sick Of Always Having To Explain Arbor Day

4/29/2021 - Out-Of-Practice Roger Goodell Crushes First Row Of Draft Prospects After Whiffing On Hug

4/29/2021 - Mel Kiper Touts Draft Pick’s Unprecedented Etiquette Rating From Miss Wiltshire’s Finishing School For Players

4/29/2021 - ‘Citizen Kane’ Falls Below ‘Paddington 2’ On Rotten Tomatoes

4/29/2021 - Miami Dolphins Just Hoping To Draft Somebody Nice For Once

4/29/2021 - Promoter Confirms Boxing Match Between Floyd Mayweather And YouTuber Olivia Jade

4/29/2021 - ‘Half Life 3’ Announcement? Al-Qaeda Says They Have Something Big Planned That Will Change The World Forever

4/29/2021 - Mom Casing Grocery Store Ahead Of Big Sale

4/29/2021 - Terrified Zach Wilson Cuts Off Pinky Finger To Get Out Of Draft That Would Ship Him Off To Jets

4/29/2021 - Biden Names Career Diplomat To Serve As White House Pet

4/29/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The Vaccine IP-Sharing Controversy

4/29/2021 - Embarrassed CIA Interrogator Realizing He Forgot To Ask Suspect What His Name Is

4/29/2021 - Conair Unveils New Tiny Blow Dryer For Knuckle Hair

4/29/2021 - Entomologists Identify Moth Species That Evolved To Fly Out Of Poor People’s Wallets

4/29/2021 - Scammer Dated 35 Women For Birthday Gifts

4/28/2021 - ‘Wait, Is That The President?’ Tommy Tuberville Whispers Halfway Through Biden Address

4/28/2021 - Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5

4/28/2021 - CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines

4/28/2021 - Top Prospects Of The 2021 NFL Draft

4/28/2021 - Mind Full Mess

4/28/2021 - Sweat-Drenched Woman Types Frantically As Countdown Threatens To Release Temporarily Reserved Show Tickets

4/28/2021 - Researchers Determine Coelacanth Faked Own Extinction To Escape Massive Gambling Debt

4/28/2021 - God Frustrated After Google Search Reveals Octopuses Already Exist

4/28/2021 - Biden’s First 100 Days: Did He Keep His Campaign Promises?

4/28/2021 - Woman Faces 21-Year-Old Felony Charges For Unreturned VHS Tape

4/27/2021 - E.U. Will Allow Vaccinated U.S. Tourists This Summer

4/27/2021 - Most Controversial Elections In Other Countries

4/27/2021 - U.S. Sends Developing Countries 70 Million Vaccinated Americans

4/27/2021 - Dogs Hogging All The Best Nap Spots

4/27/2021 - Guys With Pickup Outside Funeral Parlor Will Bury Grandma For Cheaper

4/27/2021 - Gun Violence In America: By The Numbers

4/27/2021 - Man’s Entire Diet Plan Eating So Much Of Delicious Thing He Gets Sick Of It

4/27/2021 - Hair Donation Charities Overwhelmed

4/27/2021 - Dock Worker Feeling Unfair Pressure To Be Ornery Tough Guy

4/27/2021 - Students Excited After Teacher Announces Class Being Held Outside While Police Investigate Shooting

4/26/2021 - ‘Does This Help?’ Says Panicking Academy President Holding Up Anthony Hopkins’ Decapitated Head

4/26/2021 - Chloé Zhao Still Waiting For Someone To Jump VW Bus Outside Oscars

4/26/2021 - ‘Nomadland’ Wins Best Picture At Oscars

4/26/2021 - Ask The Onion: How To Retire Comfortably

4/26/2021 - USDA Extends Universal Free School Lunch

4/25/2021 - Oscar Attendees Flee As Actors Featured During In Memoriam Segment Crawl Out Of Screen, Devour Gary Oldman

4/23/2021 - Republicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own Planet

4/23/2021 - LeVar Burton To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’ After Petition

4/23/2021 - ‘Top You Off?’ Asks Diner Waitress, Tipping Carafe Full Of Scrambled Eggs Onto Customer’s Plate

4/23/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars

4/23/2021 - First Vaccinated Outing Kind Of A Bust

4/23/2021 - Person Criticizing Police Has No Idea What It’s Like To Wake Up Every Day And Put Lives In Danger

4/23/2021 - Slaughterhouse Cow Frets Over Personal Contributions To Climate Change

4/23/2021 - Nation’s Bald Citizens Band Together To Demand Their Heads Stop Being Used As Bongos

4/23/2021 - Tim Cook Unveils Air Fryer He Got For Christmas

4/23/2021 - Once Vice, Free Times - A Lady!

4/23/2021 - Whole Foods Testing Palm-Scanner Payment System

4/23/2021 - ‘Anyone See ‘Ted Lasso’?’ Biden Asks World Leaders, Trying To Steer Conversation Away From Depressing Topic Like Climate Change

4/22/2021 - Experts Warn Acknowledgement Of Armenian Genocide Risks Drawing U.S. Into WWI

4/22/2021 - Biden Sends In Troops To Liberate Afghanistan From U.S.

4/22/2021 - Steven Soderbergh Producing ‘Cinematic’ Oscars Ceremony

4/22/2021 - Jesus Christ: Shigeru Miyamoto Has Confirmed That Every Nintendo Switch Is Wired To Explode If His Heart Stops For Any Reason

4/22/2021 - Milwaukee Promotes Itself As Hip, Affordable Place To Live With All The Police Brutality Of Chicago

4/22/2021 - NCAA Women’s Locker Room Just 3 Loose Garbage Bags Next To Couple Lawn Chairs

4/22/2021 - Study Finds Salmon Complete Transatlantic Voyage Using Same Teleportation Chamber As Ancestors

4/22/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars: Best Actor

4/22/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars: Best Picture

4/22/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars: Best Actress

4/22/2021 - City Recycling Program Requires Residents To Sort, Sanitize, Melt, Re-Form, Label, Fill Bottles Before Placing In Bin

4/22/2021 - Study: Lack Of Sleep In Middle Age Linked To Dementia

4/21/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The Derek Chauvin Trial Verdict

4/21/2021 - NCAA Fines Alabama Football Players For Receiving Championship Rings As Gifts

4/21/2021 - Kanye’s Response To Divorce Filing Blatantly Samples Kim Kardashian’s Petition

4/21/2021 - So-Called ‘Anti-Riot’ Bill Signed Into Florida Law

4/21/2021 - FBI Says Chauvin Matches Profile Of Blue-Uniformed Killer Behind Hundreds More Unsolved Murders

4/21/2021 - Nation Unable To Quell Insatiable Appetite For All Things ‘Mank’

4/21/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars: Best Supporting Actress

4/21/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars: Best Supporting Actor

4/21/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars: Best Director

4/21/2021 - Dad Explains Geologic Concept To Family As If He Not Reading Straight From National Park Wayside Exhibit

4/21/2021 - EPA Hoping To Streamline Ecosystem By Hosting Team-Building Lunch Meet-And-Greets Between Species

4/21/2021 - What To Know About America’s Refugee Resettlement Program

4/21/2021 - Elon Musk Unveils Urban Slingshot System Able To Move 6 Pedestrians Across Street Per Hour

4/21/2021 - HHS Ending Trump-Era Abortion ‘Gag Rule’

4/20/2021 - Minnesota Activists Showered In Celebratory Tear Gas

4/20/2021 - Depressed Police Officer Reminds Self That Chauvin Verdict Not Representative Of System At Large

4/20/2021 - ‘This Is Strike One, Mr. Chauvin,’ Says Judge Reading Guilty Verdict Before Handing Gun, Badge Back

4/20/2021 - NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars

4/20/2021 - Police Ask Tesla To Drive In Straight Line, Recite Alphabet Backwards After Vehicle Crashes Into Tree

4/20/2021 - Knicks Praised For Embodying New York Spirit Of Overhyped Media Creations

4/20/2021 - Jimmy Carter Shaken To See Friend Walter Mondale Die So Young

4/20/2021 - Grammy-Winning Musicians Describe Their Writing Process

4/20/2021 - Homicide Detectives Announce They Looking For Real Knockout After Discovering Long Blond Strand Of Hair At Crime Scene

4/20/2021 - Biggest Oscar Snubs 2021

4/20/2021 - Study: Magic Mushrooms May Treat Depression

4/20/2021 - Man Waiting For Curbside Order Pacing Sidewalk Like Expectant Father In Delivery Room

4/20/2021 - Hike With Neighbors Through Ravine Enjoyable Despite Not Finding Missing Child

4/19/2021 - Fyre Festival Attendees Win Class-Action Settlement

4/19/2021 - Push Notifications Of Mass Shootings Used As Morning Alarm

4/19/2021 - Celebrity Chefs Explain Their Favorite Cooking Hacks

4/19/2021 - Woman Reassures Boyfriend That Just Because She’s Not Screaming Doesn’t Mean She’s Not Enjoying Roller Coaster

4/19/2021 - Rainforest Tree Remains Very Still In Hopes That Bulldozer Will Lose Interest And Drive Away

4/19/2021 - FTC Rules Businesses Must Disclose Whether They Actually Cool Or Just Use Minimalist Branding

4/19/2021 - EA Games Teases New Project With Cryptic New ‘FIFA 2022’ Logo

4/19/2021 - Scientists Create Part Human, Part Monkey Embryos

4/19/2021 - Depressed Javier Báez Points At Seats Directly Behind Third Base Before Pitch

4/19/2021 - ‘Just Like A Fairy Tale,’ Gushes Woman Watching As Royal Corpse Tossed Into Furnace

4/16/2021 - Remaining U.S. Troops To Withdraw From Afghanistan

4/16/2021 - Timeline Of The War In Afghanistan

4/16/2021 - New Reform Effort Will Require Teenagers To Undergo Deescalation Training

4/16/2021 - Recovering Sex Addict Assures Friends They Can Still Fuck Around Him

4/16/2021 - Minnesota Deploys National Guard Ahead Of Next Week’s Police Shooting

4/16/2021 - Russian Diplomats Given 30 Days To Complete Espionage Before Being Expelled

4/16/2021 - Small Kindnesses: Gamer Shields Ailing Grandmother From News So She Can Die Believing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Patch Largely Fixes It

4/16/2021 - ‘Oh God What Happened Now,’ Mumbles Congressperson After Seeing Massive NRA Donation

4/16/2021 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

4/16/2021 - Egyptologists Unearth Skeletal Remains Of First Human Pyramid

4/16/2021 - Study Finds 80% Of People Regret Ending Relationship After Seeing Ex On Billboard

4/16/2021 - Brazil Building New, Bigger Jesus Christ Statue

4/15/2021 - ArcLight, Pacific Theatres Closing Permanently

4/15/2021 - Report: San Diegans Just Assumed Padres Were In Los Angeles Now Too

4/15/2021 - ‘You’ve Been Cited For Drinking Adrenochrome At Work,’ Facebook HR Warns Employee During Conspiracy-Laden Performance Review

4/15/2021 - Loose-Cannon ACLU Investigator Beats Recantation Out Of Confessed Murderer

4/15/2021 - Bernie Madoff Assigned To Cushy Circle Of Hell For White-Collar Sinners

4/15/2021 - Major Things Your Teacher Glossed Over In Sex Ed

4/15/2021 - OFF! Unveils New Citronella Effigy To Protest Ruthless Mosquitoes

4/15/2021 - Objectively Too Many Recommendations For Knives

4/15/2021 - Artist Profile: Lil Nas X

4/15/2021 - Hawaii Developing Vaccine Passport Program

4/14/2021 - Key Takeaways From John Boehner’s New Memoir

4/14/2021 - Man Walking Around With Needle Sticking Out Of Arm After Johnson & Johnson Vaccine Paused Mid-Inoculation

4/14/2021 - Fukushima Radioactive Water To Be Dumped In Ocean

4/14/2021 - Steph Curry Passes Wilt Chamberlain To Become Tallest Player In Warriors Franchise History

4/14/2021 - Hundreds Of Companies Voice Opposition To GOP Voting Limits On Memo Line Of Donation Checks

4/14/2021 - Hollywood Tour Group Stops At Jack Nicholson’s House For Routine Wellness Check

4/14/2021 - Obama Tweets About Podcast Again After Noticing Latest Episode Only Got 11 Streams

4/14/2021 - Bernie Madoff, Just Some Mook Who Got Played Like Anyone Else, Dead At 82

4/14/2021 - Squirrel Can’t Wait To Ruin Man’s Day By Running In Front Of Car And Getting Killed

4/14/2021 - Little League Coach Thinks Right Fielder Has Potential To Be A Great Novelist

4/14/2021 - Baylor Men’s Basketball Team Unsure How Many More Times Championship Parade Supposed To Circle Waco

4/14/2021 - Cinerama Blames Closure On More Viewers Choosing To Watch Movies From Own Geodesic Domes

4/14/2021 - Birth Control: Myth Vs. Fact

4/14/2021 - Owl Upset After Yet Another Discussion With Parents Devolves Into Hooting

4/14/2021 - Robot That Sold NFT Artwork Eyes Music Career

4/13/2021 - U.S. Domestic Terrorism Rises To Historic Levels

4/13/2021 - Police Department To Avoid Future Errors By Replacing All Equipment Officers Carry With Guns

4/13/2021 - Pope Francis Kept Up By Drunk Cardinal Arguing With Girlfriend In St. Peter’s Square

4/13/2021 - New Report Finds 72% Of Americans Planning On Ending Things With Brian Once Pandemic Over

4/13/2021 - Flood Gaetz

4/13/2021 - Hurry Before They’re Gone: The Local Italian Butcher Just Restocked PS5s

4/13/2021 - Nation Glad They Could Spend $450 Million For Astronaut To Have Little Epiphany About Humanity’s Place In Universe

4/13/2021 - Geologists Recommend Eating At Least One Small Rock Per Day

4/13/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Mortal Kombat’

4/13/2021 - U.S. Faces Ketchup Packet Shortage

4/13/2021 - Entirety Of Objectionable Human Behavior Explained To Toddler As Person Acting Silly

4/12/2021 - Minnesota Police Say Officer Accidentally Discharged Weapon After Being Startled By Sight Of Gun In Own Hand

4/12/2021 - Biden Announces Gun Control Executive Actions

4/12/2021 - How To Deal With Common Dog Behavior Problems

4/12/2021 - Judge Asks If Chauvin Jury Minds Sticking Around For A Couple More Police Misconduct Trials

4/12/2021 - Nation’s Gimps Crawl On Washington Demanding Unfair Treatment

4/12/2021 - Duke Point Guard Reemerges With 5 Arms After Entering Interdimensional Transfer Portal

4/12/2021 - Cadet Studying For Police Academy Exam Just Skimming Over Deescalation Training He’ll Never Use In Real Life

4/12/2021 - Change In Mobile App’s Logo Completely Disrupts Muscle Memory

4/9/2021 - Amazon Celebrates Union Defeat By Raising All Prices 150% Anyway

4/9/2021 - Dive Bar Opens After Pandemic To Find Grizzled Regular Still In Middle Of Story

4/9/2021 - Rory McIlroy Attacked By Mother Hawk Protecting Golf Ball That Bounced Into Nest

4/9/2021 - Devastated Woman Knows She’ll Never Be As Beautiful As Banff National Park

4/9/2021 - New Arkansas Bill Would Require Teen Residents To Keep Genitals On Full Display At All Times

4/9/2021 - Timeline Of Major Physics Discoveries

4/9/2021 - Poll Finds Americans Hate Being Trapped In Mazes

4/9/2021 - Luxury Condo Boasts Floor-To-Ceiling Toilets

4/9/2021 - Woman Gives Birth To ‘Super Twins’ Conceived Weeks Apart

4/9/2021 - Colorado Temporarily Re-Bans Marijuana For Statewide Tolerance Break

4/8/2021 - Panthers Adopt Patchy-Haired, Shivering Rescue QB Who Spent Years Abused By Jets

4/8/2021 - Report: Huh, Interesting Choice For An Outfit Today

4/8/2021 - Relief: ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ Includes A Dossier Of Each Monster’s Problematic Behavior So You Don’t Feel Bad When You Kill Them

4/8/2021 - French Police Hunting International Lego Thieves

4/8/2021 - 2021 Masters Offers Brief Respite To Viewers Who Barely Suffered From Pandemic

4/8/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Matt Gaetz

4/8/2021 - Chile Distributes Faulty Birth Control Pills

4/8/2021 - Rats Scramble To Hide Fully Functioning Amusement Park And Resort They Built As Workers Return To Office

4/8/2021 - ‘Southern Living’ Magazine Sopping Wet From Leaky Gravy Sample Insert

4/7/2021 - Yahoo Answers Shutting Down

4/7/2021 - Arkansas Legislator Warns Loophole In New Law Could Still Allow Trans Youth To Exist

4/7/2021 - Draymond Green: ‘If WNBA Players Want To Get Paid, They Should Just Hitch Themselves To Once-In-A-Lifetime Shooters’

4/7/2021 - Stripper Raised To Rafters To Grind Against Paul Pierce’s Retired Number

4/7/2021 - 17-Year-Old Asks Friend What It Means When Guy You Like Wants Blanket Pardon

4/7/2021 - ‘The 45th’: How Trump Is Trying To Rebrand

4/7/2021 - More Companies Considering Hybrid Model Where Half Return To Office, Half Laid Off

4/7/2021 - Biden Unveils $4 Trillion Bill For Dinosaur Statues, Giant Twine Balls To Restore Nation’s Crumbling Highway Attractions

4/7/2021 - Influential Women In Politics Through History

4/7/2021 - Japan Sees Earliest Cherry Blossom Bloom In 1,200 Years

4/6/2021 - MLB Moves All-Star Game From Atlanta Over Voting Law

4/6/2021 - What’s Driving The Competitive Housing Market

4/6/2021 - Aaron Rodgers Nods Along With Blank-Faced Stoicism As ‘Jeopardy!’ Contestants Talk About Their Loving Families

4/6/2021 - GOP Oppose Infrastructure Bill With Uplifting Reminder It’s Okay To Be A Work In Progress

4/6/2021 - U.S. Criticized For Giving $1 Trillion To Military Contractor To Develop Hat That Didn’t Work

4/6/2021 - Tough: The New TMNT Game Follows A European Trip Where The Turtles Realize Their Fervent Italian-American Pride Has Little In Common With Modern Italian Life

4/6/2021 - STEP BY STEP: How Do Black Holes Work?

4/6/2021 - Sophia Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Robot Artist Comes From Money

4/6/2021 - Generous Friend Willing To House-Sit For Nothing But Going Through Your Stuff

4/6/2021 - Superficial Public Only Paying Attention To Glacier Because It Dropped 17 Billion Pounds

4/6/2021 - Man Finds 15,000 Bees In Car

4/5/2021 - NCAA Men’s Title Game Begins With Moment Of Silence Honoring Regular Season Games Lost To Covid-19

4/5/2021 - Tampa Wastewater Reservoir On Brink Of Collapse

4/5/2021 - Kellogg’s Condemns Georgia Voting Laws In Call To Overthrow Government With Absolute Cerealocracy

4/5/2021 - Biggest Games Of Spring 2021

4/5/2021 - Man Opposes Taxing Rich Because He Knows One Day He Could Find $20 Bill On Ground

4/5/2021 - Report: Today Not One You Will Remember

4/5/2021 - Blake Griffin Delays Practice Once Again To Prove He Can Still Dunk Over Kia Optima

4/5/2021 - How To Lose Weight Fast

4/5/2021 - U.S. Military Accused Of Covering Up Hundreds Of Unexplained ELO Sightings

4/5/2021 - Considerate Driver Leaves Note On Dog He Hit With Car

4/5/2021 - ‘Aspirational’ Amtrak Map Depicts Train Car Married, Happy, With Little Caboose Baby

4/5/2021 - Russia Registers First Covid-19 Vaccine For Animals

4/2/2021 - Vaccine Dose Reminds Sedentary Man What Muscle Soreness Feels Like

4/2/2021 - Tinder Introducing Background-Check Feature

4/2/2021 - Tips For Adjusting To Regular Post-Pandemic Socializing

4/2/2021 - Matt Gaetz Claims Sex Trafficking Allegations Stem From Powerful Enemies In Ms. Bassman’s Geometry Class

4/2/2021 - Tostitos Apologizes For Phoning It In This Year

4/2/2021 - Egg With Shell Dyed Bright Purple Must Have Gone Through Breakup Recently

4/2/2021 - Pros And Cons Of Vaccine Passports

4/2/2021 - Billboard With Happy Family Inspires Estranged Dad To Almost Call Kids

4/2/2021 - Bum Rush Hour

4/2/2021 - Mom Remembers Old Days When You Could Let Kids Run Free On Thresher Without Supervision

4/2/2021 - Man Fined For Keeping Sharks In Basement Pool

4/1/2021 - New York Legalizes Marijuana

4/1/2021 - Serious Eats Criticized For Origins As Website To Rate Hotness Of Root Vegetables

4/1/2021 - MLB Opening Day 2021 Power Rankings: Top 12

4/1/2021 - Chauvin Defense Team Praises Officer’s Restraint In Not Killing Bystanders

4/1/2021 - New Gun Control Measure Would Put Firearms In Difficult-To-Open Hard Plastic Packaging

4/1/2021 - Biden Touted As Modern-Day FDR After Getting Hand Job From Cousin In Upstate New York

4/1/2021 - Man Living In Most Affluent Country In World History Has Nerve To Complain About Being Homeless

4/1/2021 - GOP Argues Government Shouldn’t Be Deciding Which Bridges Succeed Or Fail

4/1/2021 - Chauvin Defense Team Attempts To Demonize George Floyd By Tying Him To High-Profile 2020 Murder

4/1/2021 - Modern-Day Bo Jackson Sucks At 2 Sports

4/1/2021 - Spain: Kind Of Lost Touch With Them Over The Years, But We Hope Everything’s Going Well

4/1/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Hemingway’

4/1/2021 - Brood X Cicadas To Emerge After 17 Years Underground