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2021 August
8/31/2021 - Javy Báez Wishes He’d Found More Tactful Way To Express Desire For All Mets Fans To Eat Shit And Die
8/31/2021 - E.U. Drops U.S. From List Of Covid-Safe Countries For Travel
8/31/2021 - Final U.S. Soldiers In Afghanistan Do Some Last-Second Nation-Building On Way To Plane
8/31/2021 - Best Ways To Keep A Spark In A Long-Distance Relationship
8/31/2021 - Insecure Package Can’t Believe Delivery Guy Shared Photo Where It Looks Like Shit
8/31/2021 - Man Who Comfortably Achieved Yoga Pose Doing It Completely Wrong
8/31/2021 - First ‘Murder Hornet’ Nest Of 2021 Destroyed
8/30/2021 - U.S. Airstrike Sends Tough Message To 4-Year-Old Afghans Not To Mess With America
8/30/2021 - Report: Virtual Reality Still No Closer To Allowing Users To Make Out With Abraham Lincoln
8/30/2021 - Elizabeth Holmes Arrives To Trial With Prototype For Black Box That Will Prove Her Innocence
8/30/2021 - TikTok Bans ‘Milk Crate Challenge’
8/30/2021 - That Was Scary: We Just Totally Freaked Ourselves Out Imagining Darth Maul Riding A Yoshi
8/30/2021 - New VA Initiative Helps Get Homeless Veterans Into Bigger Tents
8/30/2021 - MTA Returns Rider’s $2.75 Fare After Unsatisfactory Subway Experience
8/30/2021 - Belgian Woman Banned From Zoo After 4-Year ‘Affair’ With Chimp
8/30/2021 - Controlled Burn Authorized For Cheese That Fell To Bottom Of Oven
8/30/2021 - Bullshit Alternative Medical Procedures You Should Never Have Done
8/27/2021 - Poll Finds 65% Of U.S. Workers Actively Searching For New Job
8/27/2021 - Nation Stunned That 20-Year Catastrophe Could End So Catastrophically
8/27/2021 - Nation’s Stage Managers Announce 5 Minutes To Places
8/27/2021 - War In Afghanistan By The Numbers
8/27/2021 - DeSantis Locks Down Florida After Spread Of Covid Vaccination Gets Out Of Hand
8/27/2021 - Report: Click On Some Ads Around This Article And We’ll Split The Loot 60/40
8/27/2021 - What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids
8/27/2021 - Wedding Has Photo Booth To Document Precious Joy Of Escaping Party
8/27/2021 - Timeline Of The New ‘Jeopardy’ Host Debacle
8/27/2021 - Bird Facts Page-A-Day Calendar On A Real Hot Streak
8/27/2021 - Blackwater Founder Charging $6.5K To Fly People Out Of Afghanistan
8/26/2021 - California Redwood Self-Immolates To Protest Climate Change
8/26/2021 - Naked ‘Nevermind’ Baby Sues Nirvana For ‘Child Pornography’
8/26/2021 - Apologetic Nurse Informs Man Having Heart Attack There’s About An Hour Wait Until Next Covid Patient Dies
8/26/2021 - Charlie Watts Confused After Running Into Keith Richards In The Afterlife
8/26/2021 - Common Job Interview Questions That Are Actually Illegal
8/26/2021 - Man Way Too Deep Into Fantasy League To Ask What ‘PPR’ Means Now
8/26/2021 - Humanitarian Organization ‘Doctors Without Dimensions’ Phases Into War-Torn Nonlinear Universe
8/26/2021 - Using A Pitching Machine To Fire An Apple Into Your Mouth At 90 MPH: Do The Risks Outweigh The Benefits?
8/26/2021 - Airbnb To Provide Temporary Housing For 20,000 Afghan Refugees
8/26/2021 - Audience Member Has Perfect 9-Minute Question For Speaker
8/25/2021 - Exciting News, Gamers: The Vengeful Nobleman We’re Always Mocking Has Invited Us To Try A Rare Video Game In The Catacombs Of His Estate
8/25/2021 - Vaccine Skeptic Does Own Research By Enrolling 45,000 Friends In Double-Blind Clinical Trial
8/25/2021 - Kathy Hochul Becomes First Female Governor Of New York
8/25/2021 - Medical Experts Hopeful That Gene Editing Will Soon Allow Sick Kids To Have Super Weird Pets
8/25/2021 - Man In 2055 Accidentally Uploads Virtual Penis Directly Into Colleagues’ Brains
8/25/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To ASMR
8/25/2021 - Signs Your Boss Might Actually Hate You
8/25/2021 - School Offers Parents $700 To Drive Kids Due To Bus Driver Shortage
8/25/2021 - Breaking: You Have Reached Your Free Article Limit
8/24/2021 - Trump Booed At Rally After Telling Crowd To Get Vaccinated
8/24/2021 - Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other
8/24/2021 - CIA Begrudgingly Impressed By How Well They Trained Future Taliban Members In 1980s
8/24/2021 - Hard To Watch: Thwomp Is Throwing A Fit After Realizing He’s Not A Big Enough ‘Mario’ Enemy To Get A Walk-In Table At The French Laundry
8/24/2021 - Report: No Indication Beer Was Going To Be Served In Weird Little Glass
8/24/2021 - Things You Should Never Say If You’re Accused Of A Crime
8/24/2021 - Astonished Friends Listen In Rapt Enjoyment As Man Recounts Plot Of Movie He Watched Over Weekend
8/24/2021 - Report: Loneliness Most Common Amongst Americans No One Wants To Be Around
8/24/2021 - First-Time Harley Owner Has No Idea Where To Buy Clothes With Skeletons On Them
8/24/2021 - OnlyFans To Ban Sexually Explicit Videos
8/23/2021 - Kanye West Doxxes Drake By Sharing Map Of Canada On Instagram
8/23/2021 - CDC Warns Going Unvaccinated Not Worth Risk Of Losing Ability To Taste Wings
8/23/2021 - ‘Let’s Take It To Our Afghanistan Experts,’ Says Anchor Throwing To Panel Of Dick Cheneys
8/23/2021 - Report: The Moon, It’s Getting Closer!
8/23/2021 - Mike Richards Steps Down As Host Of ‘Jeopardy!’
8/23/2021 - Tips For Getting Started On ‘Psychonauts 2’
8/23/2021 - Jane Goodall Returns From Latest Expedition With Annoying Chimp Accent
8/23/2021 - Designer Creates Interactive ‘Proximity Dress’ That Signals When Someone’s Too Close
8/23/2021 - What Your Therapist Is Actually Thinking About You While You're Talking
8/20/2021 - Simone Biles Drops In On Pickup Gymnastics Meet In Rucker Park
8/20/2021 - Mike Richards Steps Down As Host Of ‘Jeopardy!’ Into Reduced Role As Buzzer
8/20/2021 - U.S. Declares First-Ever Colorado River Water Shortage
8/20/2021 - How Not To Be An Asshole Tourist That Everyone Hates
8/20/2021 - ‘I Think Lorde’s New Direction Is Actually Really Interesting,’ Says Woman Who Already Bought Concert VIP Tickets
8/20/2021 - OnlyFans CEO Admits Decision To Ban Pornography Was Made In Shame-Filled Moment After Orgasm
8/20/2021 - Sad News, ‘Mario’ Fans: The Expanding Surveillance State Is Making It Impossible For Boos To Move Around And Live Their Lives Freely
8/20/2021 - How To Make Cold Brew Coffee
8/20/2021 - Teacher Jailed For Soliciting Bribes From Students In Exchange For Better Grades
8/20/2021 - Self-Learning Netflix Algorithm Produces Jeffrey Dahmer Stand-Up Special
8/19/2021 - Tesla Under Investigation For Cars On Autopilot Hitting Emergency Vehicles
8/19/2021 - ‘Well, They’ve Never Done Anything Like That To Me,’ Says Female Friend Of Taliban Dismissing Claims By Other Women
8/19/2021 - Most Insane Things That Happen To Your Body After You Die
8/19/2021 - 8 Silly Mistakes People Make That Get Them Condemned To Hell For All Eternity
8/19/2021 - Hotel Cleaning Staff Creates Little Tableau With Man’s Nightside Table Possessions
8/19/2021 - Maki Kaji, The ‘Godfather Of Sudoku,’ Dies At 69
8/19/2021 - Biden Responds To Aid Request By Deporting Haitian Doctor
8/18/2021 - George W. Bush Spends Sleepless Night Wondering If He To Blame For Long-Term Collapse Of Texas Rangers
8/18/2021 - New Zealand Enters Lockdown After Single Covid Case Discovered
8/18/2021 - Disappointed Taliban Realizes Taking Over Afghanistan More Fun Than Running It
8/18/2021 - Show-And-Tell Marred By Every Child Bringing Ashes Of Relative Who Died Of Covid
8/18/2021 - Switch Killer? Microsoft Just Unveiled A 40-Foot Extension Cord For The Xbox
8/18/2021 - The Renew Frontier
8/18/2021 - The Most Shocking Celebrity Memoirs
8/18/2021 - Food Stamp Benefits Receive Largest Increase In History
8/18/2021 - Mom Can’t Be In Photograph Looking Like This
8/18/2021 - Man Passing Through Small Town Whips Out Dating App To Gawk At Local Freaks
8/18/2021 - Art Museum Guard Bravely Throws Body In Front Of Camera Flash
8/17/2021 - Historical Evidence Suggests Boston Strangler Too Chickenshit To Strangle In A Real City Like New York
8/17/2021 - Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink
8/17/2021 - Biden Disappointed After Waking Up To Discover Taliban Still There
8/17/2021 - Haiti Rocked By 7.2 Magnitude Earthquake
8/17/2021 - Defeated Man Too Tired To Fight New $14.99 Fee On Phone Bill
8/17/2021 - Questions You Should 100% Ask Your Partner Before Getting Married
8/17/2021 - Production Delays Cause Film Reboot To Reach Theaters Before Original
8/17/2021 - Things Every Teacher Returning This Fall Is Dreading
8/17/2021 - Critics Warn Withdrawal From Afghanistan Paints Entirely Accurate Picture Of U.S. Government
8/17/2021 - Report: Woman On Polish Soap Opera Just Straight Up Slapped A Baby
8/17/2021 - Census Finds U.S. More Diverse Than Ever
8/16/2021 - Withdrawal From Afghanistan Ends Longest Media Farce In U.S. History
8/16/2021 - Afghanistan Falls To Taliban Couple Hours Earlier Than Expected
8/16/2021 - Taliban Recaptures Afghanistan
8/16/2021 - Excited Taliban Fighter Buys Extra Copy Of ‘New York Times’ To Frame
8/16/2021 - Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It
8/16/2021 - New Disney Star Wars Hotel To Cost $6,000 For 2-Night Stay
8/16/2021 - Guest Offered Least Cloudy Glass
8/13/2021 - Slice Of Charles And Diana’s 1981 Wedding Cake Auctioned For $2500
8/13/2021 - More Cities Requiring Residents To Root Around In Bag For Vaccine Card Until Bartender Feels Bad And Caves
8/13/2021 - Scientist Really Thought Job Would Be Less Grant Writing And More Glow-In-The-Dark Lizard Making
8/13/2021 - New Dad Loves Getting To Re-Experience Some Of His Favorite Animal Noises With Kids
8/13/2021 - Panicked Danny DeVito Runs Out Of Anti-Growth Serum That Keeps Him Under 5 Feet
8/13/2021 - Professional Athletes’ Opinions On The Covid-19 Vaccine
8/13/2021 - Study Finds No Greater Sign Of Delusion Than Sending Coworkers Your Personal Email On Last Day
8/13/2021 - Knuckle Tattoo Ruined By Loss Of Finger
8/13/2021 - West Virginia College To Charge Unvaccinated Students $750
8/13/2021 - Man Moving To Pacific Northwest Shopping Around For Nice Fire-Resistant Jacket
8/13/2021 - Tips For Buying New Furniture
8/12/2021 - Disgusting Things Every New Parent Immediately Gets Used To
8/12/2021 - Artist Profile: John Mayer
8/12/2021 - Jimmy Wales Glances Up To Realize He Got Sucked Into Wikipedia Rabbit Hole For 20 Years
8/12/2021 - Dog Frustrated After Jameis Winston Sails Tennis Ball 5 Feet Over Head
8/12/2021 - ‘Jeopardy!’ Names Show Producer Mike Richards, Mayim Bialik As New Hosts
8/12/2021 - Your Common Covid Vaccine Questions Answered A 739th Fucking Time
8/12/2021 - Desperate California Homebuyers Locked In Bidding War Over Charred Remains Of Ranch House
8/12/2021 - Platonic Tension Always Simmering Just Beneath Surface Of Romantic Relationship
8/12/2021 - Video Game Character Reckoning With Privilege Of Dropping Near Tactical Shotgun
8/12/2021 - Report Finds CEO Pay Has Soared 1,322% Since 1978
8/11/2021 - Toddler Cites Freedom Of Choice In Refusal To Use Potty
8/11/2021 - Hidden Environmental Impact Behind Everyday Products
8/11/2021 - Pros And Cons Of True-Crime Media
8/11/2021 - ‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo
8/11/2021 - Senate Passes Bipartisan $1.2 Trillion Infrastructure Bill
8/11/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The IPCC Climate Report
8/11/2021 - Gardening Hoe
8/11/2021 - MLB Hoping Barstool Sports Partnership Will Restore Baseball’s Stature As Nationalist Pastime
8/11/2021 - Nation’s Houseplants Confirm Pots Are Their Pants
8/11/2021 - Apple To Scan iPhones For Child Pornography
8/11/2021 - Bullshit Antique China Doesn’t Even Say If It Microwave Safe
8/11/2021 - Loud, Ornery Baby Given Extra-Long Dunk In Baptismal Font
8/10/2021 - Queen Elizabeth Scolds Prince Andrew For Having Sex With Minors Outside Of Royal Bloodline
8/10/2021 - Cuomo Scandal A Somber Reminder That Leaders Bad At Job Can Have Dark Side Too
8/10/2021 - Cuomo Apologizes For Role In Hiring So Many Crazy Liars Who Sabotaged His Political Career
8/10/2021 - The Onion Looks Back On New York’s Greatest Champion Of Immorality
8/10/2021 - Pentagon To Require Covid Vaccines For Active-Duty Troops
8/10/2021 - ‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU
8/10/2021 - ‘Maybe I Should Take Up Kayaking,’ Reports Last Flickering Ember Of Man’s Interest In Personal Growth
8/10/2021 - Astronomers Announce God’s Penis Will Be Visible In Night Sky For First Time In Millennia
8/10/2021 - Cowboys Sign Young 70-Year-Old Backup To Compete With Jerry Jones For Owner Job
8/10/2021 - Florida Resident Disgusted By Thick Layer Of Covid Built Up On Windshield
8/10/2021 - Ugh, Here We Go: Bowser Just Went Off On A Huge ‘It’s The Owner, Not The Breed’ Thing After We Said We’d Never Let A Chain Chomp Near Our Kids
8/10/2021 - Chipmunks In Lake Tahoe Test Positive For Bubonic Plague
8/10/2021 - Devoted Father Spends Weekend Helping Son Break In Skull For Football Season
8/9/2021 - ‘I’ll Wait Until It Passes The CDC, DCC, CCD, FAD, AFD, FDA, BIA, AIB, BFI, FIB, FBI,’ Announces Vaccine Skeptic
8/9/2021 - Returning Olympic Medalist To Have Pick Of Cameos For 2 Lines Of Stiffly Delivered Dialogue
8/9/2021 - Latest Climate Change Report Just Heartfelt Farewell Letter Telling Humanity To Remember The Good Times
8/9/2021 - U.S. Wins Most Gold Medals, Most Medals Overall At 2020 Tokyo Olympics
8/9/2021 - American Girl Shutters Business After Doing All The Types of Girls
8/9/2021 - Woman Trying To Explain Away Embarrassing Running Playlist Like Mobster In FBI Interrogation
8/9/2021 - Woman Puts Off Going To Doctor Until Disease Bad Enough For Him To Believe Her
8/9/2021 - NASA Says Manned Mars Mission Already Feasible If We Pick Astronauts No One Gives Shit About
8/9/2021 - Target To Pay 100% Of College Tuition In Bid To Attract Workers
8/9/2021 - Child Listening In On Dinner Party Wishes She Were Grown Up Enough To Follow Adult Discussion Of ‘Loki’
8/6/2021 - Ugliest Band Breakups Of All Time
8/6/2021 - Man’s Most Lasting Contribution To Society Uploading 5-Second ‘Nutty Professor’ Clip To YouTube
8/6/2021 - Common Medical Procedures And What They Cost Around The World
8/6/2021 - FAA Asks Airports To Not Allow Carry-On Booze On Flights
8/6/2021 - DeSantis Threatens To Cut Hospital Funding If Surgeons Keep Wearing Masks
8/6/2021 - The Tippling Point
8/6/2021 - Man In Splashy Floral Print Wastes Everyone’s Time By Not Having Any Drugs On Him
8/6/2021 - ‘I Can’t Believe We Pulled It Off,’ Says Olympics Organizer Standing In Charred Crater Where Tokyo Once Was
8/6/2021 - New Ford F-450 Promises To Make Driver Look Ever So Tiny
8/6/2021 - Rihanna Officially A Billionaire
8/6/2021 - Tim Tebow Out For Season After Suffering Raptured Tendon
8/5/2021 - U.S. Ranked Last In Healthcare Rankings Of High-Income Countries
8/5/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The Suicide Squad’
8/5/2021 - Skunk Forced To Bluff Way Through Encounter With Dog After Realizing There’s Nothing Left In Chamber
8/5/2021 - Timeline Of Trump’s Efforts To Overturn The 2020 Election
8/5/2021 - Frustrated Customer At HBO’s ‘The Shop’ Waiting Hours For Haircut While LeBron Talks About 2016 Finals
8/5/2021 - Kanye West Releases New Album As Hot Fudge Sundae To First Thousand People In Mercedes Benz Stadium
8/5/2021 - ‘You’re Going Away For A Long Time’ Says Police Officer Successfully Locking Up Rape Kit
8/5/2021 - Things McDonald’s Would Hate If You Knew About Their Restaurants
8/5/2021 - Child Assumed He’d Probably Get Abducted By Guy Like This
8/5/2021 - Man Hides Under Bed, Covers Mouth As Enormous Delta Variant Virus Tears Through House
8/5/2021 - ‘RollerCoaster Tycoon’ Fans Will Love This: Hundreds Have Died On These 2 Roller Coasters Designed To Smash Into Each Other
8/5/2021 - Beach Clearly Using Kelp To Cover Up Receding Shoreline
8/5/2021 - Barbie Debuts Doll Honoring Covid-19 Vaccine Creator
8/4/2021 - Cuomo Increasingly Desperate To Shift Focus Back Onto Nursing Home Deaths
8/4/2021 - Juilliard Opens Business School For Students Who Realize Acting Thing Probably A Long Shot
8/4/2021 - Study Finds Falsehoods About Delta Variant May Spread Twice As Easily As Original Covid Misinformation
8/4/2021 - NYC To Require Proof Of Vaccination For Certain Indoor Activities
8/4/2021 - ‘I Want To Be In The Olympics Someday,’ Says Delusional Kindergartner Already 4 Years Behind In Elite Training
8/4/2021 - Our Bad, Gamers: Historians Tell Us ‘Axis Of Evil’ Does Not Actually Refer To People Who Use Inverted Aiming Controls
8/4/2021 - Evenhanded Oatmeal Packaging Won’t Say Which Cooking Method Preferred
8/4/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To HIPAA
8/4/2021 - Loyal Russell Westbrook Fan Tired Of Buying New Jersey, Relocating Whole Family Every Year
8/4/2021 - Poland Grants Visa To Belarusian Olympian Refusing To Board Flight Home
8/4/2021 - The Most Unethical Dog Breeds You Can Purchase And Why
8/4/2021 - Olympic Divers Tormented By Hawks That Built Nest On Nearby Platform
8/3/2021 - ‘Macarena’ Turns 25
8/3/2021 - Florida Breaks Own Record For Covid-19 Hospitalizations
8/3/2021 - Infrastructure Bill To Fund 11,000-Mile-Long Detour Around Nation During Construction
8/3/2021 - Senate Loses Congress Contract To Upstart Private Legislator Firm
8/3/2021 - Anthony Bourdain Doc Under Fire For Using AI To Recreate Talking Pastrami Sandwich
8/3/2021 - Decathalong
8/3/2021 - Man Assured Friend’s Tap Water Always Looks Like That
8/3/2021 - Real Estate Developers Decide Colorful Bench Enough To Deem Area ‘Arts District’
8/3/2021 - Cult Leader Warns Followers Things Need To Get Way More Deranged To Be Made Into HBO Documentary Series
8/3/2021 - Baby Born With Twin Inside Stomach
8/2/2021 - Congress Advises Newly Evicted Americans To Just Relocate To Second Home
8/2/2021 - Fans Criticizing Simone Biles For Not Being There For U.S. Women’s Soccer Team
8/2/2021 - Overrun Chicago Hospital Giving Priority To Lollapalooza’s VIP Ticket Holders
8/2/2021 - U.S. Economy Surpasses Pre-Pandemic Size
8/2/2021 - Common Lies Your Doctor Will See Right Through
8/2/2021 - Posh Restaurant Has Cucumber Slices Floating In Jug Of Hand Sanitizer
8/2/2021 - Woman Wishes Husband Was Still Alive To Help Her Bury His Body In Garden
8/2/2021 - Traitorous Eyelash Gets In Eye It Sworn To Protect
8/2/2021 - Diamonds Swapped For Pebbles In $5.8 Million Heist
8/2/2021 - Researchers Discover Galaxy-Sized Goldfish Astronauts Discarded From Space Shuttle In 1988