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2021 February
2/26/2021 - Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes
2/26/2021 - Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer
2/26/2021 - Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss
2/26/2021 - Israel Criticized For Denying Palestinians Spare Vaccines
2/26/2021 - New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results
2/26/2021 - Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf
2/26/2021 - Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains
2/26/2021 - Chivalrous Snake Offers His Skin To Shivering Date
2/26/2021 - Pakistan Deploys Rollerblading Police Unit
2/26/2021 - Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth
2/26/2021 - Whoa, Hold On, Gamers: 6 Reasons Why This Image We’re Looking At Of Bullet Bill With A Huge Member Isn’t What You Think
2/25/2021 - City’s Little Italy Now Down To Single Meatball
2/25/2021 - The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game
2/25/2021 - Frustrated Coronavirus Not Sure What More It Can Change About Self To Get With Vaccinated Grandmother
2/25/2021 - This Murderer Was Released From Prison Or Something, We Don’t Remember. We’ve Got A Lot Going On In Our Personal Lives, So Some Things Just Get Sort Of Jumbled Sometimes, Sorry
2/25/2021 - Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities
2/25/2021 - More Americans Identifying As LGBTQ
2/25/2021 - NASA Welcomes Litter Of Mars Rovers After Successful Breeding Of Perseverance, Curiosity
2/25/2021 - Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out
2/25/2021 - How To Prevent Future Pandemics
2/25/2021 - Poll Finds Almost Half Of Republicans Would Join Trump Party
2/24/2021 - FDA Approves First Single-Dunk Coronavirus Vaccine
2/24/2021 - Golden Globes Voters Pampered On ‘Emily In Paris’ Set Visit
2/24/2021 - Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage
2/24/2021 - Why Texas Power Grids Failed
2/24/2021 - Career Timeline Of Daft Punk
2/24/2021 - Michelle Wie Shoots 63 While Using Rudy Giuliani As Sand Wedge
2/24/2021 - Woman Reverts Back To Inner Primate To Snatch Up Fallen Razor With Toes
2/24/2021 - Japan Appoints Minister Of Loneliness
2/23/2021 - Mitch McConnell Presses Merrick Garland About Legal Philosophy On Vengeance
2/23/2021 - Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity
2/23/2021 - Deathbed Letter Implicates NYPD, FBI In Malcolm X Murder
2/23/2021 - Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades
2/23/2021 - El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned
2/23/2021 - Biden Unveils Cool Teen Migrant Detainment Center Where Youths Can Hang Out And Never Leave
2/23/2021 - Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies
2/23/2021 - The Onion’s Golden Globe Predictions
2/23/2021 - Texans Facing Electricity Bills As High As $17,000 Following Winter Storm
2/22/2021 - Unmasked Members Of Daft Punk Obliviously Stand Near Each Other At Bus Stop
2/22/2021 - NBA Shot Clock Ejected From Game After Startling Referee With Buzzer
2/22/2021 - Trump Worried Biden Will Take Credit For 500,000 Covid Deaths He Made Possible
2/22/2021 - Study Finds Keeping A Gun In The Home Increases Chances Of Child Becoming Popular With Cool Kids
2/22/2021 - Joe Manchin Reverses Stance On Abolishing Filibuster After Son Diagnosed With Filibuster Disease
2/22/2021 - Entire California School Board Resigns After Mocking Parents In Accidental Livestream
2/22/2021 - Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown
2/22/2021 - Snow and ICE
2/22/2021 - Dad Apparently At Age Where Tooth Can Fall Out And It Not That Big A Deal
2/21/2021 - Balloons, Confetti Fall Onto Grieving Family As Grandmother Becomes 500,000th Covid Death
2/19/2021 - ‘Get Me On The First Flight Outta Here’ Says John Cornyn In Hoodie, Sunglasses Banging On Bahamas Airport Desk
2/19/2021 - U.S. Broadcast Of Pivotal Chelsea-Manchester United Match To Stream Exclusively On Best Buy Display TVs
2/19/2021 - Cuomo Tells Journalists There’s A Few More Deaths That Won’t Be Reported If They Keep Asking Questions
2/19/2021 - Ted Cruz Celebrates Fulfilling Campaign Promise After Successfully Deporting 2 Hispanic Children
2/19/2021 - ‘The Penis Is The Male Reproductive Organ,’ Says Teacher To 5th-Grade Class That Has Already Watched Hundreds Of Hours Of Hardcore Pornography
2/19/2021 - This Week’s Winter Storms, By The Numbers
2/19/2021 - Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right
2/19/2021 - Respectful Drivers Pull Over To Side Of Road To Let Pizza Delivery Guy Through
2/19/2021 - New Fisher Price Doctor Kit Just Prescription Pad And Bottles Of Fentanyl
2/19/2021 - Timeline Of Trump’s Second Impeachment
2/19/2021 - Tips For Lucid Dreaming
2/18/2021 - Facebook Takes Down All Posts Spreading Misinformation About Fictional Nation Of ‘Australia’
2/18/2021 - Maine Residents Placed Under Boil Lobster Advisory
2/18/2021 - The History Of Sex: How A Small-Town Connecticut Tradition Blew Up Into An International Pastime
2/18/2021 - Luka Dončić Shares Harrowing Story About Homeland Being Torn Apart By Tyrannical Referees
2/18/2021 - Last Pickle Delighted To Finally Have Whole Jar To Self
2/18/2021 - Studio Ghibli Theme Park Opening Delayed After Construction Site Overrun With Curious Forest Sprites
2/18/2021 - Navy Seal Swimming In Full Tactical Gear Must Have Terrible Body Image Issues
2/18/2021 - Ford CEO Launches Electric Vehicle Push By Having Buddy Stand Watch While He Steals Battery From Parked Prius
2/18/2021 - We’ve Seen Enough: OGN Is Officially Calling The State Of New Hampshire For Gamers
2/17/2021 - Doctor Assures Limbaugh Family It Normal For Body To Continue Ranting About Welfare Queens Hours After Death
2/17/2021 - Algorithm That Came Up With ‘Cruella’ Hurt To See People Mocking Trailer
2/17/2021 - Newsmax Host Falsely Claims 1 Person Died, 20 People Born At Capitol Riots
2/17/2021 - Vaccination Drive Finally Returns Nursing Home To Normal Levels Of Depressing
2/17/2021 - Australian Open Criticized For Pitting Black Women Against Each Other During Black History Month
2/17/2021 - Hog With Paintbrush Commissioned For Trump Presidential Portrait
2/17/2021 - Frightened LeBron James Contemplates Retirement After Catching Glimpse Of 80-Year-Old Self In Backboard Reflection
2/17/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To Clubhouse
2/16/2021 - Orioles Concerned After Multiple Players Arrive At Spring Training In Way Too Good Of Shape For Baseball
2/16/2021 - ‘Truly An Honor To Receive This Gift From The Black Community,’ Says Trump Graciously Accepting NAACP Lawsuit
2/16/2021 - ‘You Go Back Where You Came From,’ Says Texan Pointing Gun At Snowman Trespassing On Property
2/16/2021 - Breaking: Stop That Man!
2/16/2021 - Historians Reveal Terra-Cotta Army Result Of Perfectionist Sculptor Screwing Up Soldier Statue Thousands Of Times
2/16/2021 - ‘The Silence Of The Lambs’ Turns 30
2/16/2021 - Cling On
2/15/2021 - Instagram Bans Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Over Vaccine Misinformation
2/15/2021 - Cruise Ship Waiting Out 1918 Influenza Pandemic Wondering If It's Okay To Dock At Port Now
2/15/2021 - Something About The Way Society Was Exposed As Complete Illusion Over Past Year Really Getting Man Down Today
2/15/2021 - Employees On Zoom Call Watch In Horror As 2 Coworkers Who Began Talking At The Same Time Just Keep Powering Through
2/15/2021 - Police Union Honors Law Enforcement Officers Injured Carrying Out Capitol Attack
2/15/2021 - Happy Birthday Text To Mom Spirals Into Whole Conversation
2/12/2021 - Report: It Must Be Mailman’s Birthday
2/12/2021 - Timeline Of Britney Spears’ Career
2/12/2021 - Lindsey Graham Hisses Directions At Attorneys Messing Up Speech They Spent Hours Rehearsing
2/12/2021 - Shaq Assures NBA Players His Baseless Cheap Shots Come From A Good Place
2/12/2021 - Tokyo 2020 Olympics President Resigns Following Sexist Comments
2/12/2021 - ‘We Must Act Now To Save Our Civilization,’ Says Melting King Of Glacieria During U.N. Address
2/12/2021 - OSHA Announces Revamped Forklift Certification Will Feature Halfpipe Portion
2/12/2021 - Yellow Lobster Caught Off Coast Of Maine
2/12/2021 - Doughnut Shop Owned By Shaquille O’Neal Burns Down
2/12/2021 - Jesus Fucking Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity
2/11/2021 - How We’re Celebrating Valentine’s Day In A Pandemic
2/11/2021 - LaVar Ball Claims LaMelo Unhappy About Being Left Off NBA’s Top-50 All-Time Team
2/11/2021 - Experts Warn Uptick In Celebrity Boxing A Sign Nation Still Not Ready To Process Last Four Years
2/11/2021 - Buccaneers Celebrate Super Bowl Victory With Boat Parade
2/11/2021 - Tim Cook Unveils Rows Of Artificial Wombs After Announcing Apple Will Begin Manufacturing Own Employees In House
2/11/2021 - Ted Cruz Deeply Disturbed By Part Of Capitol Riot Video Where Chuck Schumer Not Beaten To Death
2/11/2021 - Biggest Games Of Winter 2021
2/11/2021 - Senators Overjoyed By Chihuahua Jumping Through Hoops During Impeachment Intermission
2/11/2021 - End Of An Era: Sony Just Announced They’re Stopping Production Of The PS5
2/11/2021 - John Krasinski And Emily Blunt: Their Tips For A Successful Marriage, Debunked
2/11/2021 - Girlfriend’s Back Too Knotted And Gnarled For Massage To Turn Sexy
2/11/2021 - Mississippi Town Offering Stipend For Remote Workers To Move In
2/11/2021 - Utah School Drops Plans To Let Students Opt Out Of Black History Month
2/11/2021 - Larry Flynt Promises To Make God Famous With Nude Photo Shoot
2/10/2021 - Timeline Of U.S. Involvement In Yemen
2/10/2021 - Andrew Yang Leading NYC Mayoral Race After Flipping Off Residents And Telling Them To Suck His Dick
2/10/2021 - Boyfriend Upset About Something American Government Did In 1970s
2/10/2021 - Health Experts Recommend Against Getting Zapped By Any Sort Of Futuristic Space Gun
2/10/2021 - Flustered Donald Trump Confesses He Only Murdered Mistress Because He Loved Her
2/10/2021 - Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull
2/10/2021 - Botched Autopsy Brings Murder Victim Back To Life
2/10/2021 - Study: 95% Of ESPN.com Visits Habitual
2/10/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Trump’s Second Impeachment Trial
2/10/2021 - NASDAQ Turns 50
2/9/2021 - Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now
2/9/2021 - Tom Thibodeau Confident He Can Get One More Vintage ACL Tear Out Of Derrick Rose
2/9/2021 - Patrick Mahomes: ‘This Loss Will Motivate Me To Appreciate What’s Actually Meaningful In Life’
2/9/2021 - GOP Senators Argue It’s Unconstitutional To Be Forced To Work On A Tuesday
2/9/2021 - ‘New England Journal Of Teen Medicine’ Retracts Flawed Study Positing You Can’t Get Pregnant The First Time
2/9/2021 - Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos
2/9/2021 - Wallet Lost In Antarctica Returned 53 Years Later
2/8/2021 - Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody
2/8/2021 - Romantic Experts Recommend Spending 3 Months’ Salary On Valentine’s Teddy Bear
2/8/2021 - Onlookers Realize Beauty Of Love Again After Seeing Dead-Eyed Man Swiping Right On Every Tinder Profile
2/8/2021 - Streaking Vince Lombardi Hologram Eludes Stadium Security
2/8/2021 - ‘This Cements Brady As The Second-Best Quarterback Of All Time’ Proclaims Terry Bradshaw
2/8/2021 - Man Hoping To Turn $250 Super Bowl Winnings Into All Encompassing Hunger That Will Ruin His Entire Life
2/8/2021 - Buccaneers Win Super Bowl LV
2/8/2021 - City’s Outdoor Dining Solutions Slowly Advancing Beyond Rest Of Civilization
2/8/2021 - Judge Real Stickler About Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act Of 1989
2/8/2021 - NFL Bankrupted After Receiving $6.3 Trillion Bill From Hospitals For Healthcare Workers Appearance
2/8/2021 - Voting Machine Company Sues Fox News For $2.7 Billion
2/7/2021 - Ndamukong Suh Repeatedly Smashes Gatorade Cooler Over Bruce Arians’ Head
2/7/2021 - Excited Tampa Bay Residents Wish They Had An Actual City To Tear Apart
2/7/2021 - 7,500 Health Care Workers Instinctively Rush Field To Treat Player Injury
2/7/2021 - Famished Man Succumbs To Deceitful Whisper Of Hours-Old Gameday Deviled Eggs
2/7/2021 - Gronk Rips Off Head, Spikes It On Ground
2/7/2021 - ‘Witness All, The End Of Your So-Called Society,’ Says Covid Particle Taking Over Super Bowl Sound System
2/7/2021 - CBS Adds Highlighted Line On Field Showing Women How Far Away They Should Stay From Tyreek Hill
2/7/2021 - Super Bowl Kickoff Delayed After Packers-Bills 3rd-Place Game Goes Into Overtime
2/7/2021 - ‘Wait, So Why Did That Guy Just Drink That Beer?’ Asks Annoying Friend Who Never Watches Commercials
2/7/2021 - Lack Of Super Bowl Party Will Not Hamper Woman’s Plan To Make 10 Pounds Of Buffalo Wing Dip
2/5/2021 - ‘Find The Traitor And Crush Him,’ Announces Bill Belichick To Monstrous Linebackers Birthed From Foxborough Mud Pits
2/5/2021 - Chicago Field Museum Director Uses Titanosaur Skull To Hold Parking Space In Snow
2/5/2021 - Biologists Discover Modern-Day Corn Dog Descended From Ancient Aquatic Sausage
2/5/2021 - What’s Next For Jeff Bezos?
2/5/2021 - Theme Park Sues Taylor Swift Over Album Name
2/5/2021 - Tom Brady Refuses Request To Throw Touchdown For Kid With Cancer To Avoid Glorifying Unhealthy Lifestyle
2/5/2021 - Americans Scrambling For Covid Vaccine After CDC Director Announces Thousands Of Doses Buried Somewhere In California
2/5/2021 - Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LV
2/5/2021 - Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’
2/5/2021 - Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
2/5/2021 - What You Siege Is What You Get
2/5/2021 - Court Records Show Merck Knew Anti-Baldness Drug Could Be Linked To Suicide
2/4/2021 - Honey Roasted Pistachios: How Benito Mussolini’s Favorite Snack Escaped Justice—Until Now
2/4/2021 - Republicans Accuse Ocasio-Cortez Of Not Being Anywhere Near Place They Told Capitol Mob She Would Be
2/4/2021 - Canada Designates Proud Boys As Terrorist Group
2/4/2021 - Pundits Warn Removing Marjorie Taylor Greene From Committee Assignments Could Leave Her With Free Time
2/4/2021 - MapQuest Turns 25
2/4/2021 - Kevin Feige Panicking After Mom Throws Out $3.6 Billion Worth Of Superhero Crap
2/4/2021 - Flower In Bucket Nearest To Grocery Checkout Deemed Girlfriend’s Favorite
2/4/2021 - ‘I Want To Go See Those Mountains Where It Looks Like Avatar,’ Says Biden In Speech Outlining Foreign Policy Agenda
2/4/2021 - Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
2/4/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Marjorie Taylor Greene
2/4/2021 - 6 Arrested For Changing Hollywood Sign To Read ‘Hollyboob’
2/3/2021 - Golden Globes Praised For Diverse Talent Level Of Nominees
2/3/2021 - ‘So Should I Invoice You Later?’ Says Janet Yellen Trying To Secure Speaking Fee After Meeting With Regulators
2/3/2021 - Pete Buttigieg Confirmed As Transportation Secretary
2/3/2021 - ‘Then You’ll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO,’ Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At Gunpoint
2/3/2021 - Deranged Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Large Cabal Of Americans Want Her To Disappear
2/3/2021 - Man Scores Vintage Coin-Operated Texas Instruments Graphing Cabinet
2/3/2021 - How Stock Trading Apps Like Robinhood Work
2/3/2021 - Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees
2/3/2021 - Google Threatens To Withdraw Search Engine From Australia
2/2/2021 - Boho Woman Pushes Intricate Bead Curtain Aside For Another Groovy Adventure Into Pantry
2/2/2021 - ‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s Masculinity
2/2/2021 - Myanmar Military Seizes Power In Coup
2/2/2021 - Health Insurance Lobbyist Tears Up After Realizing Dianne Feinstein No Longer Recognizes His Face
2/2/2021 - Activists Call On Sitcom Producers To Reckon With Genre’s Ugly History Of Sarcasm
2/2/2021 - Shy Brothers In Affluent Suburb Already Feeling Pressure To Become Auteur Filmmakers
2/2/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘WandaVision’
2/2/2021 - Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
2/2/2021 - Researchers Discover New Species Of Whale
2/1/2021 - Andrew Cuomo Unveils Plan To Reduce Covid Spread At Nursing Homes By Throwing Residents Out Onto Street
2/1/2021 -
Wolf Blitzer Announces Grim Milestone As Number Of Covid-19 Deaths Surpasses Jelly Beans In Jar
2/1/2021 - Woman Quick To Clarify That Child In Dating Profile Picture Not Alive Anymore
2/1/2021 - BET Executives Panicking After Realizing They Have Nothing Lined Up For Black History Month
2/1/2021 - Girl Scouts Partner With Grubhub For Cookie Delivery
2/1/2021 - Confused About The GameStop Stock Situation? Here’s An Explainer We Plagiarized Wholesale From Polygon Because We Don’t Get It Either
2/1/2021 - Insurrectionist Truther Doesn’t Believe He Was At Capitol
2/1/2021 - Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling
2/1/2021 - Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
2/1/2021 - Cheech Marin Opens Art Museum