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2021 January
1/29/2021 - Redditors’ Class-Action Lawsuit Alleges Robinhood On Some Bitch Shit
1/29/2021 - ‘This’ Comment Dozens Of Twitter Users On Thread Incorrectly Explaining News Story
1/29/2021 - How Redditors Drove A GameStop Stock Surge
1/29/2021 - Jif Slammed For New Ad Claiming Children With Peanut Allergies Just Lying For Attention
1/29/2021 - Health Care Workers Trapped In Snow Storm Offer Vaccine To Stranded Drivers
1/29/2021 - Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train
1/29/2021 - Biden Removes Winston Churchill Bustier From Oval Office
1/29/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Secretary Of State Antony Blinken
1/29/2021 - Fossilized Skeleton Shows Ancient Man Likely Died From Being Smashed In Skull By Archaeological Pickaxe
1/29/2021 - Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command
1/29/2021 - Shark Populations Down 71% Since 1970
1/29/2021 - Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Fucking Suck
1/28/2021 - The Polygraph Test Turns 100
1/28/2021 - Biden Continues Reading ‘The Pet Goat’ To Schoolchildren After Being Informed Of GameStop Situation
1/28/2021 - ‘Buy! No, Sell! No, Buy!’ Scream Dueling Front And Back Faces Of Jim Cramer Trying To Drown Each Other Out
1/28/2021 - ‘When You Trap A Tiger’ Awarded 2021 Newbery Medal
1/28/2021 - Disney Installs Animatronic Christian Missionaries To Convert Natives On Jungle Cruise Ride
1/28/2021 - Report Finds Majority Of Americans Don’t Have Enough Reward Points Saved To Survive Sudden Skincare Disaster
1/28/2021 - Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
1/28/2021 - Hikers Urged To Avoid Appalachian Trail Over Covid Concerns
1/27/2021 - Curt Schilling Insists He’d Already Be Hall Of Famer If MLB Never Racially Integrated
1/27/2021 - Biden Authorizes U.S. Military To Shoot Down Any Harmful Greenhouse Gases That Enter Nation’s Airspace
1/27/2021 - Citizens Pay $55 Million Each To Be Part Of Commercial Space Crew Visiting ISS
1/27/2021 - YouTube Removes Thousands Of Underperforming Covid Misinformation Videos
1/27/2021 - NFL Reformers Criticize Cowboys-To-Broadcast Booth Pipeline
1/27/2021 - Increasingly Bold Israel Begins Building Settlements In Downtown Albuquerque
1/27/2021 - Car’s Satellite Radio Display Taking Its Sweet-Ass Time To Reveal Entire Name Of Song
1/27/2021 - Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
1/27/2021 - Paleontologists Say Baby Tyrannosaurs Were As Big As Medium-Sized Dogs
1/27/2021 - Pros And Cons Of Eliminating The Filibuster
1/26/2021 - National Guard Returns To Endless Sleep Under Mount Rushmore Until Nation Calls Upon Them Again
1/26/2021 - Experts Say Severe Weather Will Continue Until Gargantuan Child Shaking Earth’s Snow Globe Calms Down
1/26/2021 - CDC Warns About More Deadly Covid Variants After Virus Mutates Into Serial Killer Richard Ramirez
1/26/2021 - Activism Halted After Realization Wallet Across Room
1/26/2021 - Merck Halts Development Of Coronavirus Vaccines
1/26/2021 - Late-Arriving Protestor Has No Idea What He’s Chanting
1/26/2021 - ‘Home Gym Equipment Is Still Sold Out Everywhere,’ Man Hopes
1/26/2021 - Small Town’s Sole Tourist Attraction Site Of Human Atrocity
1/26/2021 - Lessons From The Trump Era
1/26/2021 - Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
1/26/2021 - The Weeknd To Star In Super Bowl Halftime Show
1/25/2021 - Rest Easy: Bethesda Announces That Shia LaBeouf Will Appear In ‘Indiana Jones’ Game But His Character Dies Almost Immediately
1/25/2021 - CDC Announces Country On Track To Chuck 1 Million Expired Vaccines Per Day
1/25/2021 - Sarah Huckabee Sanders Vows To Protect Good People Of Arkansas From Any Questions
1/25/2021 - Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It
1/25/2021 - Disguised Amazon Drone Sneaks Into Worker Meeting To Disrupt Union Talk
1/25/2021 - Area Man Knows Nothing Good Ever Happens When Godzilla, King Kong Find Themselves In Same Movie
1/25/2021 - Arizona GOP Censures Anti-Trump Republicans
1/25/2021 - Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down
1/25/2021 - Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site
1/25/2021 - Pilot And Plane Look More Like Each Other With Every Passing Day
1/25/2021 - Fiery Stephen A. Smith: ‘Luka Doncic Will Never Be A Superstar Unless He Played Well In Last Night’s Game, Which I Missed’
1/25/2021 - Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
1/25/2021 - Get Up And Joe?
1/25/2021 - Some Grocery Stores To Pay Employees To Get Vaccinated
1/22/2021 - 5 Things To Know About MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell
1/22/2021 - ‘Life Is But Suffering, Pain, And Misery,’ Whispers Meditative Adam Silver Amid NBA Covid Outbreak
1/22/2021 - Janet Yellen Clears Key Confirmation Hurdle After Correctly Identifying $5 Bill In Blind Taste Test
1/22/2021 - NFL Conference Championships: Keys To The Matchups
1/22/2021 - China Sanctions Mike Pompeo Along With 27 Other Trump Administration Officials
1/22/2021 - Jane Goodall Announces She All About Lizards Now
1/22/2021 - Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car
1/22/2021 - Biden’s Plans For His First 100 Days
1/22/2021 - Sarah Thomas Becomes First Woman To Officiate At Super Bowl
1/22/2021 - Rumors Confirmed: IO Interactive Confirms Agent 47’s Barcode Brings Up Del Monte Whole Green Beans When Scanned
1/22/2021 - UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
1/21/2021 - History Of Demonstrations On The Capitol
1/21/2021 - NBA Fans Admit They Could Have Used Longer Break From Chris Webber
1/21/2021 - Fauci Says 100 Million Vaccinations In 100 Days Is Feasible
1/21/2021 - Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation
1/21/2021 - Pete Buttigieg Vows To Bring Together Small-Town And Big-City Streets Into One Beautiful American Intersection
1/21/2021 - Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe
1/21/2021 - Know Your Rights: If A Cop Asks You To Stop Gaming, You Don’t Have To
1/21/2021 - Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
1/21/2021 - Rescue Crews In China Work To Save Trapped Miners
1/20/2021 - Supporters Waltz With Cutouts Of Biden, Harris During Socially Distanced Inaugural Ball
1/20/2021 - Irritated Kyrie Irving Refuses To Be Perceived By Media After Rejoining Nets
1/20/2021 - Nation Could Have Sworn There Was Already First Female Vice President
1/20/2021 - Retiring Phillip Rivers Regrets Never Catching Genghis Khan On All-Time Child Production List
1/20/2021 - White Man Finds It Fitting That Today Also Martin Luther King Jr. Day
1/20/2021 - Horrified Biden Family Discovers Rotting, Months-Old Corpse Of Jeff Sessions In White House Executive Residence
1/20/2021 - Mets Fire General Manager For Sexually Harassing Reporter
1/20/2021 - Next Steps For Trump Administration Members
1/20/2021 - Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
1/20/2021 - Panicked National Guard Troops Shoot Down Military Flyover
1/20/2021 - Bored Flags Already Filtering Out Of Inauguration Halfway Through Biden Speech
1/20/2021 - Crowd Politely Cheers Along As Pat Toomey’s Senate Jazz Combo Plays Opening Set At Inauguration
1/20/2021 - Stray Doberman Accidentally Sworn In As President After Putting Paw On Inaugural Bible
1/20/2021 - ‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby Roof
1/20/2021 - Vilsack Stuns At Inauguration In 6-Foot-Tall Husk Of Corn
1/20/2021 - Trump Directs Movers Loading Bubble-Wrapped Melania Into Storage Pod
1/20/2021 - Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
1/20/2021 - U.S. Enters Constitutional Crisis After Forgetting Whether Transfer Of Presidential Power Happens At 12 A.M. Or 12 P.M.
1/19/2021 - FBI Vetting 25,000 National Guard Members Ahead Of Inauguration
1/19/2021 - ‘New York Times’ Retracts Entire ‘The Daily’ Amid Revelations It Completely Fabricated Michael Barbaro
1/19/2021 - Trump To Issue Up To 100 Pardons On Tuesday
1/19/2021 - Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List
1/19/2021 - Trump Panicking After Realizing Fingerprints All Over White House
1/19/2021 - Researchers Suggest Wild Horses Don’t Have To Worry About Any Of This
1/19/2021 - Who's Zoomin Who
1/19/2021 - Welfare Check
1/19/2021 - What To Watch For At The Presidential Inauguration
1/19/2021 - New Erectile Dysfunction Start-Up Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
1/19/2021 - Chic Apartment Features Exposed Brick Right Outside Living Room Window
1/18/2021 - Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
1/18/2021 - Spatter Analyst Finally Working With Blood After Years Paying Dues With Urine
1/18/2021 - God Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven
1/18/2021 - Seth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement
1/18/2021 - Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar
1/15/2021 - MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front
1/15/2021 - Lady Gaga, J. Lo To Perform At Biden Inauguration
1/15/2021 - ‘She’s Now Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,’ Posts Congresswoman Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi’s Location
1/15/2021 - U.S. Mint Introduces New Seven-Cent Coin To Bolster Citizens’ Math Skills
1/15/2021 - Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation
1/15/2021 - Wikipedia Turns 20
1/15/2021 - AC Unit Propped Up By Bricks Dangling Precipitously From ISS Window
1/15/2021 - Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
1/15/2021 - Former Michigan Governor Charged In Flint Water Crisis
1/14/2021 - Matt Gaetz Forced To Host Hundreds Of White Nationalists After Airbnb Pulls D.C. Listings
1/14/2021 - Airbnb Blocks All D.C. Bookings Ahead Of Inauguration
1/14/2021 - Forward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable Way
1/14/2021 - The Greatest NFL Coaches Of All Time
1/14/2021 - Charles Barkley Blasts Today’s Fragile NBA Players Who Can’t Just Play Through Covid Like He Did
1/14/2021 - Tips For Dealing With Bad Neighbors
1/14/2021 - Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
1/14/2021 - National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration
1/13/2021 - Citigroup Begrudgingly Keeps Funding Marco Rubio After Learning Senator Voted For Election Certification
1/13/2021 - Officials Trace Slow Vaccine Rollout To Sweet Old Ladies Holding Up Line With Their Chitchat
1/13/2021 - Indifferent Nation Didn’t Even Notice Metal Shards In Recalled Ice Cream
1/13/2021 - Still Time: The PS5s In This Ancient Cave Painting Foretelling The End Of The Earth Look Like Some Kind Of Unreleased PS5 Slim Edition
1/13/2021 - Michael Moore Questions Asian Carp On Role In Destroying Ecosystems In First Nature Documentary
1/13/2021 - Man Ice Skating For First Time Really Getting Hang Of Clutching Wall
1/13/2021 - TV Credits Feature Touching Tribute To Those Who Died From Covid Contracted During Production
1/13/2021 - Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump
1/13/2021 - Pros And Cons Of Impeaching Trump In Last Days Of Presidency
1/13/2021 - Timeline Of The January 6 Siege On The Capitol
1/13/2021 - Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
1/13/2021 - ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall
1/13/2021 - Nervous Browns Fan Still Worried Team Going To Blow 48-37 Lead Over Steelers From Days Ago
1/12/2021 - Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening
1/12/2021 - Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon Adelson’s Will
1/12/2021 - Trump Doubles Down And Offers Bill Belichick 3 Presidential Medals Of Freedom
1/12/2021 - Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations
1/12/2021 - Conservatives Accuse Nature Of Silencing Right-Wing Voices After Sheldon Adelson Dies At 87
1/12/2021 - Nation Settles On Being Home To Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame As New Foundation For American Exceptionalism
1/12/2021 - Child Weirded Out After Bumping Into Teacher Outside Laptop
1/12/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The Covid-19 Mutations
1/12/2021 - Reluctant Democrats Holding Off On Revealing Biden Died Of Heart Attack 6 Days Ago
1/12/2021 - Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
1/12/2021 - Amazon Suspends Parler From Web-Hosting Service After Google, Apple Remove App From Stores
1/11/2021 - ‘Jeopardy!’ Producers Regretting Making Every Answer Of Memorial Episode ‘Alex Trebek’
1/11/2021 - FBI Narrows Down Identity Of Red-Faced Man Carrying Confederate Flag Through Capitol To Millions Of Americans
1/11/2021 - GOP Senators Call On Trump To Resign
1/11/2021 - D.C. Police Preemptively Deploy 3 Officers For Inauguration Day
1/11/2021 - Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse
1/11/2021 - The Aghast Supper
1/11/2021 - ‘Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines 2 First Blood Edition’ Has Way Too Long Of A Title To Really Say Much About It In This Headline
1/11/2021 - Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
1/8/2021 - Trump Rioter Knocks On Senate Door To Ask About Retrieving Left-Behind Car Keys
1/8/2021 - Betsy DeVos Apologizes For Ever Being Complicit With Something As Toxic As Public Education
1/8/2021 - House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed
1/8/2021 - How To Make New Year’s Resolutions In A Pandemic
1/8/2021 - Scrambling Democrats Rush To Begin Impeachment Hearings By April
1/8/2021 - Department Of Agriculture Warns Of 37% Decline In Soybean Yield Following Stillborn Birth Of Albino Calf
1/8/2021 - Pro-Trump Rioter Trying To Figure Out What To Do With Looted Devin Nunes
1/8/2021 - Eerily Silent Charmin Twitter Account Apparently Condones Attack On Capitol
1/8/2021 - Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
1/7/2021 - ‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media Ban
1/7/2021 - ‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise
1/7/2021 - Josh Hawley Condemns Pro-Trump Rioters For Upstaging His Own Theatrics
1/7/2021 - Most Popular Martial Arts In The U.S.
1/7/2021 - Democrats Declare Nation Has Given Them Clear Mandate To Squander
1/7/2021 - 43 Deaths Linked To Novelty Inflatable Heart Implant
1/7/2021 - North Korea Holds Quiet, Low-Key Nuclear Test Just For Self
1/7/2021 - Nation’s Most Insane-Looking Lawyers Enthusiastically Volunteer Services To Trump Rioters
1/7/2021 - New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
1/6/2021 - Trump Supporter Excited To Finally Disengage With Politics After Government Overthrow Finished
1/6/2021 - Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less Hectic
1/6/2021 - D.C. Police Lose Control Of Rioting Trump Supporters After Hundreds Of Officers Called Away To Deal With Black Jaywalker
1/6/2021 - Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out Sun
1/6/2021 - Why The Coronavirus Vaccine Is Being Delayed
1/6/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Trump’s Georgia Election Call
1/6/2021 - New Mental Health Initiative To Add 10,000 Beds To Nation’s Prisons
1/6/2021 - Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
1/6/2021 - Republicans Condemn Mysterious Georgia ‘Vote Dumps’ That Were All Somehow Cast On January 5
1/5/2021 - Poll Finds Being Stuck In Infinite Time Loop Biggest Issue For Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump Voters
1/5/2021 - CDC Unveils List Of Twitter Accounts You Can Follow To Piece Together Vaccine Information
1/5/2021 - Trump Encourages Georgians To Vote By Posting Photo Of Himself Casting Ballot
1/5/2021 - Scientists Attempt To Convince Public To Take Covid More Seriously By Explaining Concept Of Death
1/5/2021 - Worrying Study Finds Today’s Tutorial Levels Not Adequately Preparing Players For Challenges Of World 8
1/5/2021 - Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
1/4/2021 - Nancy Pelosi Berates Progressive Democrats For Electing Such Polarizing Speaker
1/4/2021 - Chargers Interview Anthony Lynn To Fulfill Rooney Rule Obligations
1/4/2021 - Rueful Trump Wishes He Knew Republicans This Willing To Overthrow Democracy Earlier In Term
1/4/2021 - American People Guess They’ll Let Trump Stay President After Seeing How Badly He Wants It
1/4/2021 - Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs
1/4/2021 - Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
1/4/2021 - Man Who Got Word-A-Day Calendar Keeps Trying To Shoehorn ‘January’ Into Conversation