Sitemap: 2021 July | The Onion

7/30/2021 - Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

7/30/2021 - Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

7/30/2021 - Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge

7/30/2021 - QR Codes Replace Traditional Menus

7/30/2021 - Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released

7/30/2021 - Music Festival Attendee Loves The High You Get From Mixing Ecstasy With Heatstroke

7/30/2021 - ‘Arthur’ Cancelled After 25 Seasons

7/30/2021 - How New Olympic Sports Are Chosen

7/30/2021 - Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

7/30/2021 - Pope Francis Holds Mass With Giant Ape Bishop Of Skull Island

7/29/2021 - Cade Cunningham Unmotivated After Zero Teams Pass On Him In NBA Draft

7/29/2021 - MTV Turns 40

7/29/2021 - Olympians Explain How They Trained During The Pandemic

7/29/2021 - China Building New Silos For Nuclear Missiles

7/29/2021 - ‘Jungle Cruise’ Hailed As Thrilling Reminder To Cancel Disney+

7/29/2021 - Kevin Durant Forms Burner Country To Compete In Tokyo Olympics

7/29/2021 - Only Half Of American Households Donate To Charity

7/29/2021 - Phillip Morris Launches High-Performance Sport Cigarette For Abusive Olympic Parents

7/29/2021 - Bored Vaccination Worker Spends Afternoon With No Patients Stabbing Syringe Between Fingers

7/29/2021 - Kings Concerned About Character Issues After Multiple Prospects Lie About Being Excited To Play For Sacramento

7/29/2021 - MLB Players On What They Love Most About Baseball

7/28/2021 - DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant

7/28/2021 - Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win

7/28/2021 - Simone Biles Withdraws From Olympics Citing Mental Health

7/28/2021 - CDC Director Alarmed After Googling ‘Covid Cases’ For First Time in Weeks

7/28/2021 - NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges

7/28/2021 - Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days

7/28/2021 - Scrapped Plot Lines That Would Have Changed Your Favorite Movies Forever

7/28/2021 - ‘How The Hell Did Such A Weird Sport Get In The Olympics?’ Says Man Watching Golf

7/28/2021 - Pros And Cons Of Requiring Covid Vaccinations

7/28/2021 - 24,000-Year-Old Microbes Found Surviving In Permafrost

7/28/2021 - Nation’s Thumb-Pointers Urge You To Get A Load Of This

7/28/2021 - Nick Cannon Announces He’s About To Cum If Any Nearby Women Want Kids

7/27/2021 - Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why

7/27/2021 - Marlboro Maker Could Stop Selling Cigarettes In Britain Within 10 Years

7/27/2021 - ‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire

7/27/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Jungle Cruise’

7/27/2021 - Spencer Gifts Informs Customers You Can Just Assume All Its Employees Are Unvaccinated

7/27/2021 - BP Launches Environmental Campaign Pledging To Clean Up Oil Polluting Earth’s Interior

7/27/2021 - Nervous Olympic Athlete Trying Not To Break Down Under Pressure Of 4 People Watching

7/27/2021 - Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse

7/27/2021 - Millions Of Unvaccinated Teens To Head Back To School

7/27/2021 - Marvel Film Producers Save Money By Stocking Craft Services With Poorly Rendered CGI Foods

7/26/2021 - Nation Assures Kanye West They Don’t Care Enough About ‘Donda’ For Him To Be Stressing This Much

7/26/2021 - Cleveland Renames Baseball Team ‘Guardians’ After Backlash

7/26/2021 - ‘That’s So They Can’t Have Sex?’ Asks Confused Olympics Viewer Staring At Volleyball Net

7/26/2021 - Olympics Under Fire For Human Rights Violations After Forcing Athletes To Exert Themselves

7/26/2021 - Celebrities Describe The Worst Parts Of Being Famous

7/26/2021 - Olympic Mascot Explains For Hundredth Time He All Out Of Clean Urine

7/26/2021 - Scam Experts Advise Americans That IRS Will Never Try To Contact You From Beyond Earthly Realm

7/26/2021 - Alexa Introduces Masculine-Sounding Voice Option

7/26/2021 - Boston Dynamics Unveils New Robots Able To Realistically Behave Like They Under Researchers’ Control

7/26/2021 - Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin

7/23/2021 - Dozens Of Athletes Incinerated After Being Attracted To Sight Of Glowing Olympic Flame

7/23/2021 - U.S. Life Expectancy Sees Biggest Drop Since WWII

7/23/2021 - Patrolling West Bank Just Not Same Without Big Cone Of Chunky Monkey In Hand

7/23/2021 - Alabama Players Force Nick Saban To Run Wind Sprints After Surpassing His Salary In NIL Endorsements

7/23/2021 - Signs Your Significant Other Might Be Cheating On You

7/23/2021 - Man Can Already See Difference In Body After Just One Week Of Starting To Decompose

7/23/2021 - A Timeline Of U.S.–Haiti Relations

7/23/2021 - Football Pads Only Investment Dad Will Ever Make In Children

7/23/2021 - Men’s Spending Habits Result In More Carbon Emissions Than Women’s

7/23/2021 - Covid Particle Sporting Ralph Lauren Team USA Uniform At Opening Ceremony

7/23/2021 - Opening Ceremony Depicts Olympics’ Time-Honored Tradition Of Destroying Local Communities

7/22/2021 - Tensions Escalate As Israel Closes Embassy Inside Ben & Jerry’s Factory

7/22/2021 - Olympic Organizers Fire Lead Choreographer Bashar Al-Assad After Use Of Chemical Weapons Comes To Light

7/22/2021 - Bat-Wielding Jim Jordan Bursts Through Capitol Window Demanding To Be Allowed Onto January 6 Committee

7/22/2021 - Artist Profile: Ed Sheeran

7/22/2021 - Testes Flights

7/22/2021 - Johnson & Johnson, Drug Distributors Reach $26 Billion Deal To End Opioid Lawsuits

7/22/2021 - NASA Returns To Home Planet After Completing Mission On Earth

7/22/2021 - International Olympians Describe Their Biggest Obstacles

7/22/2021 - Disgusting: This Gamer Isn’t Even Washing His Controller After Each Button Press

7/22/2021 - Man Holding Marshmallow Stick Starting To Turn That Perfect, Blistery Golden-Brown

7/22/2021 - American Medical Debt Bigger Than Previously Known

7/22/2021 - Woman Can Always Tell Period Coming By Way Doors Slam Shut, Lights Flicker

7/21/2021 - Man Doubts Whether Cousin Really Had New Baby After Learning About It On Facebook

7/21/2021 - ‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Issue Features Trans Cover Model For First Time

7/21/2021 - Sprinter Blames Positive Covid Test On Nutritional Supplement She Didn’t Realize Contained Coronavirus

7/21/2021 - At Long Last: Tetsuya Nomura Has Finally Revealed That Braising Is The Best Method For Cooking A Chocobo

7/21/2021 - How Organizers Plan To Keep The Tokyo Olympics Safe

7/21/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The Child Tax Credit

7/21/2021 - The Strangest New Dating Shows On TV

7/21/2021 - Couple’s Shared Interests Stop At Being Straight

7/21/2021 - Nation Agrees That Despite Our Differences Americans Still Make Some Good-Lookin’ Corn

7/21/2021 - Google Maps Accused Of Suggesting Potentially Fatal Hiking Routes

7/21/2021 - U.S. Olympians Describe What Inspires Them To Compete

7/20/2021 - Giannis Criticized For Poor Footwork While Hoisting Finals MVP Trophy

7/20/2021 - Insane Things That Everyone Who Uses Dating Apps Has Experienced

7/20/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins’

7/20/2021 - New MMA Gym Training Next Generation Of Guys Who Hold Back Fighters At Press Conference

7/20/2021 - Biden Transfers First Detainee From Guantánamo Bay

7/20/2021 - FBI Warns Oregon Fire Had Been Plotting Violent Takeover Of State For Years

7/20/2021 - Experts Say Torturing Animals In Adolescence Sign Child Will Become Factory Farm Owner

7/20/2021 - Olympic Committee Discourages Sex During Competitions

7/20/2021 - Broad-Shouldered Man Could Carry 7, No, 9 Whole Parrots

7/20/2021 - Maine Becomes First State To Shift Recycling Costs From Taxpayers To Companies

7/19/2021 - Hesitant Man Just Waiting To Observe Long-Term Effects Of Vaccine Over Next Several Eons

7/19/2021 - Meteorologists Warn 2021 Western Heat Wave Could Be Most Daliesque On Record

7/19/2021 - Actors Describe Their Most Dangerous Action Movie Stunts

7/19/2021 - New Study Finds Only Way To Reverse Climate Change If Every Person On Earth Shares Single Chevy Volt

7/19/2021 - Illinois Bans Police From Lying To Minors During Interrogations

7/19/2021 - Man Not Sure What To Do With Shitty Old Roommate That Came With Apartment

7/19/2021 - Man Pledges To Be Better Listened To

7/19/2021 - Irate Astros Fan Can’t Believe Gun Sales Cut Off After Seventh Inning

7/19/2021 - Johnson & Johnson Recalls Aerosol Sunscreens After Finding Carcinogen

7/16/2021 - Chobani Recalls Thousands Of Yogurts That Gave People Yogurt

7/16/2021 - Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes

7/16/2021 - Olivia Rodrigo Works With White House To Encourage Youth Vaccinations

7/16/2021 - Mothers On Playground Intervene As Liam, Liam Gang Up On Liam

7/16/2021 - Cocktail Glass Integral Part Of Woman’s Dance Moves

7/16/2021 - Ms. Pac-Man Can Already Tell Guy At Helm Drunk As Fuck

7/16/2021 - Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

7/16/2021 - NASA: Moon ‘Wobble’ To Cause Coastal Flooding Surge By 2030s

7/16/2021 - NordicTrack Recreates Outdoor Running Experience With Treadmill Covered In Dog Shit

7/16/2021 - What’s In The New EU Climate Change Plan

7/15/2021 - Panicked Man Wondering If There Something He Doesn’t Know After Child Tax Credit Hits Bank Account

7/15/2021 - Popeyes Originalist Decries Nuggets As Stain On Founder’s Vision

7/15/2021 - Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth

7/15/2021 - Grass Backward

7/15/2021 - Senate Democrats Unveil Proposal To Federally Decriminalize Marijuana

7/15/2021 - 6-Year-Old Debating Whether To See ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy’ Following Negative ‘New York Times’ Review

7/15/2021 - We’re Feeling Charitable Today, So What The Hell: Anyone Who Has A Smart Fridge Is A Gamer

7/15/2021 - Americans Who Still Haven’t Made Up Their Mind Gather In Massive Demonstration To Express Ambivalence

7/15/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy’

7/15/2021 - Pet Goldfish Being Dumped In Lakes Threatening Ecosystems

7/15/2021 - We Discovered More Awful Facts About Hitler, Though Still Not As Bad As The Main Hitler Stuff

7/15/2021 - God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

7/15/2021 - Nate Silver Knocked Out Of Poker Tournament By Hot, Young Upstart Algorithm

7/14/2021 - Wildlife Officials Restock Lake By Dropping Thousands Of Fishermen From Plane

7/14/2021 - Conor McGregor Undergoes 3 Hours Of Surgery To Repair Fractured Ego

7/14/2021 - Inflation Hits 13-Year High

7/14/2021 - Centers For Disease Control Lets Smallpox And Rinderpest Viruses Out For Daily Hour Of Exercise

7/14/2021 - Company Struggling To Find Diverse Leadership Candidates Among CEO’s Golf Buddies

7/14/2021 - Gate Attendant Offers Richard Branson Hotel Voucher After Virgin Galactic Flight Fully Booked

7/14/2021 - The Greatest NBA Finals Performances Of All Time

7/14/2021 - MSNBC Turns 25

7/14/2021 - Instinctive ‘I’m Fine’ After Dropping Pan Echoes Unanswered Through Empty Apartment

7/14/2021 - Area Scrotum Not In Big Hurry To Peel Itself Away From Leg

7/14/2021 - Engagement Ring Sales Skyrocketing As U.S. Recovers From Covid-19

7/13/2021 - HBO Confirms ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Take Place In White Void After New York City Opts Not To Reprise Role

7/13/2021 - Telltale Signs Your Child Is Gifted

7/13/2021 - Shohei Ohtani’s Translator: ‘There Are No Words In Japanese To Describe Stephen A. Smith’

7/13/2021 - Man At Wake Hopes There’s Picture Of Him With Dead Friend In Slideshow

7/13/2021 - Report: Honeydew Still Not Ripe

7/13/2021 - Unopened ‘Super Mario 64’ Game Sells For Record $1.56M

7/13/2021 - ‘Legally Blonde’ Turns 20

7/13/2021 - Pope Francis Served Eucharist Jell-O While Recovering From Surgery

7/13/2021 - Moviegoer Frustrated By Loud Guy In Next Row Who Won’t Stop Shooting

7/13/2021 - World’s Deepest Dive Pool Opens In Dubai

7/13/2021 - We’re Strapped for Content So Here’s Instructions On How To Bake Your Nintendo Switch Into An Apple Pie

7/13/2021 - Rosalynn Carter Scatters Peanut Shells Onto Bed To Prepare For Sensuous Date Night

7/13/2021 - Butt Dial To Parents Turns Into Long Chat While They Have Ya

7/12/2021 - Study Finds 70% Of Americans Have Less Than $1,000 Saved To Go To Space

7/12/2021 - American TV That Was Actually Adapted From International Shows

7/12/2021 - Burnt-Out Woman Hopes After-Hours Message From Boss Just Unwanted Sexual Advance

7/12/2021 - Historic Heat Wave Causes California Wildfire To Catch Fire

7/12/2021 - Zaila Avant-garde First African American To Win National Spelling Bee

7/12/2021 - Treasury Phasing Out All Bills Except $1s and $100s As Income Inequality Renders Middle Currencies Irrelevant

7/12/2021 - Deadbeat Bird Deems Human Touching Eggs Good Enough Reason To Abandon Nest

7/12/2021 - Trump Suing Twitter, Facebook, Google Over ‘Censorship’

7/12/2021 - Park Ranger Rescues Bear That Wandered Off The Trail

7/12/2021 - Sharp Pain In Chest Infrequent Enough To Be Ignored

7/9/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Black Widow’

7/9/2021 - Artist Profile: Doja Cat

7/9/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The Miami Beach Condo Collapse

7/9/2021 - Most Horrifying Things Airlines Do To Keep Their Prices Down

7/9/2021 - Tokyo Olympics Bans Spectators After State Of Emergency Declared

7/9/2021 - MTA Begins Enforcing Scuba Mask Mandate

7/9/2021 - Dad Just Found Out About That WrestleMania XV Pay-Per-View Charge

7/9/2021 - Burj Khalifa Gift Shop Adds New Multi-Story Keychain

7/9/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To Starting A Sneaker Collection

7/9/2021 - Everyone On Camping Trip Just Gets Out Of Way While Friend Who Knows What He’s Doing Takes Care Of Everything

7/9/2021 - Gun Safe Combination Eventual Victim’s Birthday

7/9/2021 - NYPD Unveils New ‘Game Truck’ To Connect With Community

7/8/2021 - Tokyo Olympics To Prevent Covid Spread By Restricting Events To Short Outdoor Walks

7/8/2021 - Freak Actually Knows How Big An Acre Is

7/8/2021 - Rupert Murdoch To Launch Fox Weather Channel

7/8/2021 - Starstruck Man Can’t Think Of Anything To Say To Cruise Ship Hypnotist In Breakfast Buffet Line

7/8/2021 - Bummer: Bowser Is Sending Bowser Jr. To Military School After He Got His High School Girlfriend Pregnant

7/8/2021 - Friends, Family Worried Rock-Bottom Scottie Pippen Will End Up With Own ESPN Morning Show

7/8/2021 - California Employees Hesitant About Returning To Office Currently On Fire

7/8/2021 - Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café

7/8/2021 - Americans Increasingly Worried Coronavirus Could Spread To U.S.

7/8/2021 - Volcanoes: Don’t Worry, They’re Still Loud!

7/7/2021 - Haiti Faces Constitutional Crisis After Assassinated President Refuses To Step Down

7/7/2021 - Rachel Nichols Insists She Would Win Finals MVP If Not For Diversity Hires On Suns, Bucks

7/7/2021 - Things Every Child Who Grew Up With Divorced Parents Will Understand

7/7/2021 - Study: 4-Day Work Week Doesn’t Hurt Productivity

7/7/2021 - Child Being Teased About Having Crush Angrily Asserts He Incapable Of Love

7/7/2021 - Discounted Fireworks Savings Put Toward Funeral Expenses

7/7/2021 - Woman Sporting Sandal Tan Must Have Just Returned From Weekend Aboard $35 Million Yacht Off Coast Of Ibiza

7/7/2021 - Ron DeSantis Requires Florida Residents To Reinforce Bones With Steel, Concrete

7/7/2021 - Bezos Steps Down As Amazon CEO

7/6/2021 - LeBron James Buys Courtside Seat At Finals To Continue Arguing Foul Call From First Round

7/6/2021 - 21 Million Floridians Evacuated After State Deemed Structurally Unsound

7/6/2021 - Joey Chestnut Breaks Own Hot Dog Eating Record

7/6/2021 - Spice Girls’ Career Turns 25

7/6/2021 - Study: ‘Truly Being Seen’ Still Ranks Among Worst Possible Experiences In Human Existence

7/6/2021 - Struggling Tech Company Almost Desperate Enough To Start Making Actual Product

7/6/2021 - Things Everyone Wishes They Knew Before Trying To Buy Their First Car

7/6/2021 - Parents Just Have 2-Week Hole To Fill In Before Summer Camp Lineup Complete

7/5/2021 - Americans Eagerly Check To See If They Got Any Emails Today

7/5/2021 - Potential Gamer Fuel? Dove Men+Care Fresh & Clean Fortifying 2-In-1 Shampoo Has Caffeine In It And Actually Tastes Pretty Good

7/5/2021 - Supreme Court Upholds Arizona Voting Restrictions

7/5/2021 - ‘The Office’ Actors Launch Podcast Urging Fans To Try Watching Something New

7/5/2021 - If Job Search Fails, Woman Knows She Can Always Find Work As Sole Protector Of Someone Else’s Children

7/4/2021 - U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

7/4/2021 - Dog Really Freaked Out By Fireworks Shot At Face

7/2/2021 - ‘Someone’s Gotta Occupy Afghanistan,’ Grumbles Dick Cheney, Shoving Firearms Into Suitcase

7/2/2021 - Congressional Democrats Put On Elaborate 4th Of July Pageant To Teach Republicans Importance Of Democracy

7/2/2021 - Labor Department Announces Plans To Stop Counting Jobs And Just Enjoy Economy

7/2/2021 - Abandoned Styrofoam Box Of Leftovers Given Loving New Home In Backseat Of Busboy's Car

7/2/2021 - Dream Crushed Over Trivial Bullshit Represents Nation Better Than Gold Medal Ever Could

7/2/2021 - Bill Cosby’s Sexual Assault Conviction Overturned

7/2/2021 - Flying Car Completes 35-Minute Test Flight

7/1/2021 - NCAA Announces Plans To Let Players Make Money Off Dick Vitale’s Likeness

7/1/2021 - Supreme Court Waits In Line For Hours Before Voting To Uphold Arizona Restrictions

7/1/2021 - What To Know About The Delta Covid Variant

7/1/2021 - Man Arrested For Stealing 21 Tons Of Pistachios

7/1/2021 - 109 Details About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ We’re Throwing Out Because You Never Know We Might Be Right

7/1/2021 - Man Arriving Late To Meet Friends At Restaurant Banished To Farthest Reaches Of Table

7/1/2021 - Biologists Discover Roots Of Washington Monument Have Spread Over 400 Feet Underground

7/1/2021 - Could Puerto Rico Become America's 15th Good State?

7/1/2021 - Donald Rumsfeld Survived By 1 Million Fewer Iraqis

7/1/2021 - Rumsfeld Family Immediately Squabbling Over Who Will Inherit Mounted Heads Of Iraqi Civilians

7/1/2021 - Ford Introduces New Environmentally Friendly Brown Paper Airbags

7/1/2021 - Farce of July

7/1/2021 - Study: Half Of U.S. Cosmetics Contain Toxic ‘Forever Chemicals’