Sitemap
2021 June
6/30/2021 - The Onion Looks Back At Donald Rumsfeld And The Power Of Following Your Dreams
6/30/2021 - Weapon Of Mass Destruction Found Dead At 88
6/30/2021 - Common Misconceptions Everybody Has About Twins
6/30/2021 - Horrified Man Discovers Company Spying On Him After Seeing Photo Of Himself On Roller Coaster
6/30/2021 - Senate Passes Bill Wishing Younger Generations Best Of Luck Stopping Climate Change
6/30/2021 - Yugoslavia Reunites On ‘The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon’
6/30/2021 - Hardware Hack! This ‘Guitar Hero’ Guitar Is Being Used As A Wedding Photobooth Prop
6/30/2021 - Tips For Staying Safe During A Heat Wave
6/30/2021 - Power-Hungry Goose Seizes Control Of Audubon Society In Bloody Coup
6/30/2021 - George Clooney Launching High School Film Program
6/29/2021 - ‘Dragon Man’ Fossil May Represent Modern Human’s Closest Ancestor
6/29/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Zola’
6/29/2021 - Poll Finds 95% Of Americans Approve Of Kim Jong-Un After Seeing Weight Loss Photos
6/29/2021 - Professional Poker Player Banned For Deceiving Opponents By Knowingly Betting On Weak Hand
6/29/2021 - Nation Resolves Not To Forget Lessons Of Corpid-19
6/29/2021 - Experts Warn Heat Wave Could Lead To Huge Surge In Shirtless Italian Grandpas With Wet Washcloths On Head
6/29/2021 - Study: Best Method Of Surviving Layoffs Remains Playing Dead As HR Rounds Corner
6/29/2021 - Most Insane Secrets Behind Your Favorite Reality Shows
6/29/2021 - Gentle Scratch Around Outskirts Of Bug Bite Tantalizing Enough To Convince Man To Go All In
6/29/2021 - Trump Organization Expected To Face Criminal Charges
6/28/2021 - Fan Holding Sign Causes Major Tour De France Crash
6/28/2021 - Whirring Sounds Heard Across Seattle As Tech Workers Overheat
6/28/2021 - Surefire Ways To Get Rid Of A Hangover
6/28/2021 - ‘Customers Must Wear Masks’ Sign Flails Impotently On Door Of Restaurant
6/28/2021 - New Victoria’s Secret Campaign Features Images Of Real Women From Fitting Room Security Cameras
6/28/2021 - Lone Wheel From Pile Up Rolls Across Finish Line In Tour De France Victory
6/28/2021 - NASA Says New Moon Mission Unlikely Since Neil Armstrong Only Person Who Knew How To Get There
6/28/2021 - Shohei Ohtani At-Bat Stifled By Opposing Team’s Vertical Defensive Shift
6/28/2021 - Lorde Slammed And Condemned Because It Seems Like It’s About Time For That To Start
6/28/2021 - Nation’s Moms Announce There No Way In Hell You’re Sleeping Until Noon Every Day This Summer
6/25/2021 - Rudy Giuliani’s Law License Suspended For Trump Election Lies
6/25/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘F9’
6/25/2021 - Borderline Sacrilege: Some Sick Freak Drew Fanart Of Mario Just Wearing Normal Jeans
6/25/2021 - Famous Free Speech Court Cases In U.S. History
6/25/2021 - Entire Nation Placed Under Jamie Spears’ Conservatorship For Their Own Well-Being
6/25/2021 - Celebrities Reveal Why They Actually Divorced Their Spouse
6/25/2021 - Raid Introduces Holy Water-Infused Spray That Allows Cockroaches To Be Baptized And Die As Christians
6/25/2021 - Whoa, Opposing Little League Team Has Last Names On Their Jerseys
6/25/2021 - Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over
6/25/2021 - Prison Tattoo Artist Always Forgetting Which Way Swastika Supposed To Go
6/25/2021 - Man Who Fathered 98 Children With 39 Women Dies
6/24/2021 - 153 Hospital Employees Fired, Resign Over Covid-19 Vaccine Mandate
6/24/2021 - ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans, Rejoice! George R.R. Martin Confirmed That Halfway Through ‘Elden Ring’ His Writing Will Be Replaced By Dialogue Like ‘An Army Is Like A Hard Cock’
6/24/2021 - Chicago Cubs Launch Charitable Initiative To Give Back To Overserved Communities
6/24/2021 - Our First Annual Nude Corpses Issue! Oh, Or Were You Lying When You Said You Were Sex Positive?
6/24/2021 - Subway CEO Apologizes For Trusting Fish Who Falsified Documents To Pass As Tuna
6/24/2021 - Accidental Clicks On Ads Only Thing Saving Media Employee From Layoff
6/24/2021 - Beefy Gym Man Drinking From Gallon Water Jug Like Mythical Giant
6/24/2021 - Scientists Announce Successful Experiment To Bankrupt Mouse That Can’t Afford Cancer Drug
6/24/2021 - Worst Mistakes All Brides Make On Their Wedding Day
6/24/2021 - Infrastructure Talks Come To Halt After Giant Sinkhole Swallows Capitol Building
6/24/2021 - Why More Americans Are Putting Off Having Kids
6/24/2021 - First Transgender Athlete To Compete In Olympics
6/23/2021 - White House: U.S. To Miss July 4 Covid-19 Vaccination Goal
6/23/2021 - ‘Stop! You Don’t Have To Do This!’ Whispers Tiny Voice In Head Of Man Clicking On Article About Michael B. Jordan’s Cultural Appropriation
6/23/2021 - Menstrual Flow Included In Calculation of Whether To Get Up For Twist And Shout
6/23/2021 - Andrew Yang Picking Up A Few Souvenirs On Way Back Home From New York Visit
6/23/2021 - NYC Mayoral Primary Results Delayed Until Officials Finish Watching YouTube Explainer On Ranked Choice Voting
6/23/2021 - Nuclear Energy: Myth Vs. Fact
6/23/2021 - Report: Make It Stop
6/23/2021 - Band Remembers Back When They Used To Play Shows For 10 People Instead Of 4 People
6/23/2021 - ISS Apologizes After Excessive Power Usage Accidentally Shorts Out Galaxy
6/23/2021 - Sixers Fans Praise Ben Simmons For Embodying Philadelphia Spirit Of Half-Assing Job
6/23/2021 - Kids’ Shows That Actually Had Some Very Adult Story Lines
6/23/2021 - Matador Clearly Just Projecting Own Insecurities About Having Red Cloth Waved At Him
6/23/2021 - Nicaraguan Police Arrest 5th Presidential Candidate
6/22/2021 - Supreme Court Rules Against NCAA In Student Athlete Compensation Case
6/22/2021 - Jay-Z’s Career Turns 25
6/22/2021 - De Blasio: ‘Well, Well, Well, Not So Easy To Find A Mayor That Doesn’t Suck Shit, Huh?’
6/22/2021 - Andrew Yang Tries To Buy Banana From Voting Booth
6/22/2021 - New Yorker Struggling To Rank Every Choice For Mayor From 1 To 8.419 Million
6/22/2021 - 911 Operator Likes To Let It Ring For Couple Seconds So Caller Doesn’t Get Impression They're Standing By Phone All Day
6/22/2021 - Experts Encourage Americans To Start Thinking About What Form Of Government They’d Like To Try After Democracy Crumbles
6/22/2021 - Cause Of Death Installed Above Bed
6/22/2021 - Conservative Man Tearfully Informs Family Critical Race Theory Has Spread To His Liver
6/22/2021 - Report: Pick
6/22/2021 - ESPN’s New MLB Analyst Just Guy Who Follows Jayson Stark On Twitter
6/22/2021 - Annoying Things Customers Do That Waiters Hate The Most
6/22/2021 - Cristiano Ronaldo Snub Causes $5 Billion Drop In Coca-Cola Market Value
6/21/2021 - Lobster Diver Survives Being Trapped In Whale’s Mouth
6/21/2021 - Area Couple Thinks They’re Pretty Fun
6/21/2021 - GOP Launches New Legislative Effort To Control Women’s Pancreases
6/21/2021 - Organized Crime Syndicate Condemned For History Of Nepotistic Hiring Practices
6/21/2021 - Most Shocking Reveals From The Keeping Up With The Kardashians Reunion
6/21/2021 - Bear’s Favorite Part Of Mauling Campers When They Throw Arms In Air To Look Bigger
6/21/2021 - John Legend Releases Uplifting New Single About Healing Power Of Forgiving Chrissy Teigen
6/18/2021 - Rabid Pack Of Starving Barbecue Guests Fight Over Scrap Of Bell Pepper That Fell Into Grass
6/18/2021 - Laid-Back Dad Just Wants New Pair Of Brandless Aviators He Got At Omaha Gas Station In 1993 For Father’s Day
6/18/2021 - Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows
6/18/2021 - Texas Congressman Suggests Altering Moon’s Orbit To Fight Climate Change
6/18/2021 - ‘Loki’ Fan Loves How Show Contains So Many References To Loki
6/18/2021 - CEO Of Troubled Company Accepts Full Compensation For His Mistakes
6/18/2021 - Scorching Heat Wave Causes Unsightly Blisters To Bubble Up Across Southwest
6/18/2021 - New MLB.TV Ad Campaign Reminds Subscribers They Can Share Log-In Info With Whoever They Want
6/18/2021 - Shopper Struggling To Find Father’s Day Card That Doesn’t Use Word ‘Love’
6/18/2021 - Tesla Blames User Error For Car Sealing Off Windows, Suffocating Owner Alive
6/17/2021 - Guy Who Took Job Making Barrels In 1400s Didn’t Mean For That To Become Family’s Identity For Next 25 Generations
6/17/2021 - Used Car Prices Soar After The Old Girl Makes It To Yellowstone Without Breaking Down Once
6/17/2021 - Juneteenth Becomes Federal Holiday
6/17/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The Southern Ocean
6/17/2021 - Prize Fighter
6/17/2021 - Vacationing Steph Curry Absolutely Gnawing On Snorkel
6/17/2021 - Huge Milestone: Bethesda’s New Role-Playing Game ‘Starfield’ Will Be The First Video Game Set In Space
6/17/2021 - Celebrities You Never Knew Went To Jail
6/17/2021 - Norwegian Cruise Line Introduces ‘Now Or Never’ Tour Of The Arctic
6/17/2021 - The Most Legendary Sportscasters Of All Time
6/17/2021 - Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation
6/17/2021 - Moviegoer Relieved No One In Theater Knows Enough ‘In The Heights’ Lyrics To Sing Along
6/17/2021 - Banned Olympic Runner Claims Burrito Caused Positive Steroid Test
6/16/2021 - Girl Scouts Have Millions Of Unsold Cookies
6/16/2021 - Domino’s Officially Reopens Single Pathetic Little Booth For Dine-In Orders
6/16/2021 - Senate Votes To Make Juneteenth Federal Holiday So Long As No One Thinks Too Hard About Its Significance
6/16/2021 - ‘You’re Going To Want To Take 3 Quick Lefts’ Says Passenger Expertly Hiding That He Fucked Up Directions
6/16/2021 - What To Know About Trump’s Justice Department Seeking Info On His Enemies
6/16/2021 - Nation Begrudgingly Agrees To Learn Devin Booker’s Name
6/16/2021 - Tips For Teens Looking For A Summer Job
6/16/2021 - Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting
6/16/2021 - 5th Ocean Added To World Map
6/16/2021 - Tide Introduces New Ink Pen For Creating Stains On The Go
6/16/2021 - Highlights of E3 2021
6/16/2021 - High Society Gonna Fucking Snap If Playwright Says One More Thing About Their Foibles
6/15/2021 - New School Curriculum Just 6 Straight Hours Of Staring Slack-Jawed At American Flag
6/15/2021 - Nikola Jokić Breaks Into 6 Sovereign Parts After Loss
6/15/2021 - 10,000 Volunteers Quit Tokyo Olympic Games
6/15/2021 - Man Takes Solace In Fact That World’s Oldest Person Didn’t Become Notable Until Age 112
6/15/2021 - Incredible Ways To Turn Your Backyard Into A Summer Oasis
6/15/2021 - Biologists Confirm Penguins Totally Holding It Down On The South Pole
6/15/2021 - Retired Nun Embezzles $835,000 To Fund Gambling Habit
6/15/2021 - E3 Shocker: Nintendo Has Announced That ‘Breath Of The Wild 2’ Will Get Back To The Company’s Roots And Be A Vacuum
6/15/2021 - Old Vegetarian Rambling On About Days When Menus Only Had One Non-Meat Option
6/15/2021 - Under Armour Launches New Workout Attire For Women Evading Men Who Wear Under Armour
6/14/2021 - Uber Promises They’re Taking Every Fucked-Up Step They Can To Decrease Ride Fees
6/14/2021 - Doctor Not Going To Ruin Woman’s Day By Telling Her She Pregnant
6/14/2021 - Israel’s Parliament Ousts Netanyahu
6/14/2021 - World’s Biggest ‘Avatar’ Fan Couldn’t Be More Excited About ‘Frontiers Of Pandora’ Announcement
6/14/2021 - Man Credits Great Kissing Skills To Growing Up With Lots Of Sisters
6/14/2021 - Single Day Without Air Conditioning All It Takes To Turn Entire Family Into Lamenting Heroines In Tennessee Williams Play
6/14/2021 - Disturbing Facts Disney Would Never Want You To Know About Their Theme Parks
6/14/2021 - Self-Conscious Corpse Feels Bloated
6/14/2021 - Senate Passes $50 Billion Bill To Combat Chinese Influence By Developing Own Pandas
6/14/2021 - El Salvador First Country To Make Bitcoin Legal Tender
6/13/2021 - Console Wars Gone Too Far? Microsoft Just Claimed That Xbox Is Better Than Playstation
6/11/2021 - Keystone XL Pipeline Project Officially Terminated
6/11/2021 - HR Improves Company Morale By Giving Employees Constant Stream Of Dumbass Bullshit To Mock
6/11/2021 - Psychiatrists Recommend Serial Killers Get Out Feelings With Taunting Letter To Investigators That They Never Send
6/11/2021 - Over 2 Million Left Brain-Dead In Most Brutal Day Of Culture Wars Yet
6/11/2021 - Former High School Classmates Hold Summit At Local Bar To Resume Multilateral Shit Talks
6/11/2021 - Thrilled BlackRock Announces Purchase Of 800,000th Dream Home
6/11/2021 - Environmentalism Win: For Every PS5 Sold, Sony Will Plant A PS4 In The Amazon Rainforest
6/11/2021 - Most Shocking UFO Sightings Throughout History
6/11/2021 - Tips For Writing A Graduation Speech
6/11/2021 - Illinois Restaurants Reopen At 95% Capacity After Factoring In Quarantine Weight Gain
6/11/2021 - Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record
6/11/2021 - E3 Fans Will Love This: The G7 Summit
6/11/2021 - Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey
6/10/2021 - U.S. To Donate 500 Million Doses Of Covid Vaccine Globally
6/10/2021 - Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps
6/10/2021 - Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings
6/10/2021 - Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out
6/10/2021 - Man Emerges From Pandemic With Spine Contorted Into Full 360-Degree Loop
6/10/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The New FDA-Approved Alzheimer Drug
6/10/2021 - ‘Missing Something, James?’ Cackles Rockets GM Holding Harden’s Hamstring
6/10/2021 - Judge Overturns Assault Weapons Ban, Likens AR-15 To Swiss Army Knife
6/10/2021 - An Uncomfortable Truth: Jerusalem’s Prominence In ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Means It Is Undeniably A Holy Site For Gamers As Well
6/10/2021 - Man Flattered Spam Caller Believes He Has Car, House, Savings Account To Defraud
6/9/2021 - White House Press Flight Delayed After Biden Gets Into Plane’s Engine
6/9/2021 - Benihana Asks Diners To Surrender Their Phones So Everyone Can Be In The Moment During Onion Volcano
6/9/2021 - Former Child Stars Describe Growing Up In The Industry
6/9/2021 - Desperate Employer Offers Basic Dignity To Incentivize New Hires
6/9/2021 - Feds Recover $2 Million From Pipeline Ransomware Hackers
6/9/2021 - Pro-Labor Beliefs Deteriorating With Each Second Sprite Not Refilled
6/9/2021 - Children’s Museum Docent Reminds Guests Not To Touch The Kids
6/9/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Loki’
6/9/2021 - Report: Easiest Path To U.S. Visa Still Signing with Dallas Mavericks
6/9/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory
6/9/2021 - Arizona To Use Auschwitz Gas On Death Row
6/9/2021 - Woman’s Anecdote About Boyfriend Getting Annoyed Undercut By Widespread Knowledge Of His Anger Issues
6/9/2021 - Theater Company’s Fundraising Email More Tragic Than Any Play It’s Ever Produced
6/8/2021 - Jeff Bezos Going To Space
6/8/2021 - Man Hates How Pride Month Has Been Totally Co-Opted By LGBTQ Community
6/8/2021 - Knee To Hurt For Rest Of Life After 30-Year-Old Woman Sits Awkwardly For 2 Minutes
6/8/2021 - Kobe Bryant Mural Starts Ominously Scowling After Lakers First-Round Collapse
6/8/2021 - Shittiest Dollar Dropped Into Tip Jar
6/8/2021 - The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak
6/8/2021 - Experts Warn Climate-Related Food Shortages May Require Bugs To Overcome Taboos Against Eating Americans
6/8/2021 - Wrecking Cruise
6/8/2021 - Powerful Rush Of Shame Consumes Man As Server Flips Over Menu To Reveal Drink List
6/8/2021 - United Plans Supersonic Flights By 2029
6/8/2021 - Most Anticipated E3 Announcements
6/8/2021 - Revolutionary New Driverless Car Requires Zero Functional Technology To Generate Profit
6/7/2021 - Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Birth Of Second Child
6/7/2021 - Woman Unnerved By Group Of Guys Standing Around When She’s Just Trying To Gentrify The Street
6/7/2021 - American Public Commended For Lasting 8 Rounds With Logan Paul
6/7/2021 - Biden Offers Infrastructure Concession By Partially Demolishing Brooklyn Bridge
6/7/2021 - Blockbuster Movies You Never Knew Were Actually Remakes
6/7/2021 - Stephen A. Smith Blasts Anthony Davis For Refusing To Play Through Groin Surgery
6/7/2021 - Spencer Rattler Takes Pay Cut To Help Sooners Recruit Better Players
6/7/2021 - US Troops Accidentally Storm Bulgarian Sunflower Oil Factory
6/7/2021 - Sight Of Man Getting Hit By Bus Less Funny Than Movies Make It Seem
6/7/2021 - Every Little League Player’s Position Based Off Where They’ll Do Least Damage
6/4/2021 - Conclusive Series Of Diagnostic Tests Determines Lump On Man’s Neck Fun To Poke
6/4/2021 - Celebrity Designers Describe Their Home Decluttering Tips
6/4/2021 - Texas Valedictorian Goes Off-Script To Condemn State’s Abortion Ban
6/4/2021 - Kyrsten Sinema Defends Senate Filibuster As Necessary For Her To Stay Politically Relevant
6/4/2021 - All The Biggest Changes To ‘Final Fantasy VII Remake Intergrade’
6/4/2021 - ‘Fortnite’ Mobile Fans Will Hate This: Apple Says That In Balancing Equities Between The Parties, The Court Must Weigh The Effect Of Different Harms To Both Parties, At Its Own Discretion
6/4/2021 - Tips For Learning How To Roller Skate
6/4/2021 - ‘The Time Is Running Out To Reach An Infrastructure Deal,’ Reports Pundit Speeding To Outpace Highway Crumbling Behind Him
6/4/2021 - L.A. Mayor Prevents His Kid From Lazing About By Installing Spikes On Family Couch
6/4/2021 - Trump Shuts Down Blog Due To Low Readership
6/4/2021 - Vinyl Wood Floor Transports Woman From Supermarket Into Bazaar Of Epicurean Delights
6/3/2021 - Trump Forced To Shut Down Blog After Publishing Hulk Hogan Sex Tape
6/3/2021 - Best Covid Vaccination Giveaways
6/3/2021 - Congress Takes Field Trip To Goldman Sachs To Learn How Laws Get Made
6/3/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Joe Manchin
6/3/2021 - Homeowner Shoos Away Feral Driverless Car Rooting Around Garage
6/3/2021 - Nashville Hat Shop Apologizes For ‘Not Vaccinated’ Yellow Star Of David
6/3/2021 - Ron Artest Lands Consulting Role Teaching NBA Players How To Defend Selves From Rowdy Fans
6/3/2021 - The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline
6/3/2021 - Man Exiting Store While Alarm Sounds Makes Big Show Of Looking Surprised To Appear Innocent
6/3/2021 - Group Occupying Only Seats of Restaurant Waiting Area Glancing Up With Quiet Defiance At Rest of Parties Standing
6/3/2021 - Covid-19 Variants Given Greek Alphabet Names To Avoid Stigma
6/2/2021 - Texas Governor Threatens No Pay After Democrats Block Voter Restrictions
6/2/2021 - Naomi Osaka Withdraws From French Open For Opponents’ Mental Health
6/2/2021 - Medina Spirit Trashes Trailer In Steroid-Fueled Rage After Being Told Of Second Positive Test
6/2/2021 - Aspiring Tennis Player Informed She Doesn’t Have Press Conference Skills To Go Professional
6/2/2021 - Old Things In Your House That Are Actually Worth A Fortune
6/2/2021 - Nature Filmmaker Accused Of Staging Scene Where Bird Uses Tiny Fork To Twirl Worm Up Like Spaghetti
6/2/2021 - Effective Billboard Has Driver Suddenly Craving Visit To The Hospital
6/2/2021 - Dianne Feinstein Considers Eliminating Filibuster Over Upcoming Vote On Smoot-Hawley Tariff
6/2/2021 - Promoter Offers $18 Tickets To Vaccinated Concertgoers, Charges Unvaccinated $1,000
6/2/2021 - Every Item In Woman’s Grocery Cart Has Word ‘Skinny’ On It
6/1/2021 - Nation Adds Second Memorial Day To Honor Brats Eaten In The Line Of Duty
6/1/2021 - French Open Fines Tennis Ball For Failing To Answer Media’s Questions
6/1/2021 - Instagram Bans Adults From Messaging Teens Who Don’t Follow Them
6/1/2021 - Nation Rocked By 40 Million Acts Of Total Bullshit In Most Infuriating Day On Record
6/1/2021 - Artist Profile: Olivia Rodrigo
6/1/2021 - Man Visiting Town Squeezes In Least Important Friend From 2:30 To 3:15 P.M.
6/1/2021 - Couple Who Met During Pandemic Tenderly Remove Each Other’s Mask Straps For First Time