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2021 May
5/31/2021 - Man Reminds Himself That Painful, Nauseating Side Effects Just Means That Triple Bacon Cheeseburger Working
5/31/2021 - Virtuous Bug To Be Reincarnated As Better Kind Of Bug
5/31/2021 - Nation Pauses To Reflect On Heroic Sacrifices Of Will Smith’s Characters
5/31/2021 - Mario Golf Producer Defends Choice To Use CGI Likeness After Death Of Luigi
5/31/2021 - Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag
5/31/2021 - Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600
5/31/2021 - University Names College Of Fine Arts After Chadwick Boseman
5/28/2021 - Shohei Ohtani Plows Through Catcher After Forgetting To Let Go Of 100 MPH Fastball
5/28/2021 - The Most Jaw-Dropping Quotes From The ‘Friends’ Reunion
5/28/2021 - CDC Warns Against Kissing, Snuggling Backyard Poultry
5/28/2021 - New Evidence Shows Fauci May Have Been Created In Chinese Lab
5/28/2021 - Biden To Continue Unpopular Trump-Obama-Bush-Clinton-Bush-Reagan-Carter-Ford-Nixon-Era Policy
5/28/2021 - Frontier Airlines Reduces Fleet To One Large Agent Lifting And Jiggling Passengers While Making Motor Sounds
5/28/2021 - Timeline Of The Louvre
5/28/2021 - Horse Still Not Broken Enough To Tolerate Matching Cowboy Hat
5/28/2021 - Texas Doctors Required To Inform Women Seeking Abortion That Fetus Already Cowboys Fan
5/28/2021 - Friends Agree To Take Away Drunk Man’s Car Keys, Jangle Them Just Out Of His Reach
5/28/2021 - John Cena Apologizes To China For Calling Taiwan A Country
5/27/2021 - Common Mistakes Everyone Makes During Job Interviews
5/27/2021 - Amazon Buys MGM For $8.45B
5/27/2021 - Man Finds Unidentifiable Beige Thing He Froze 6 Months Ago
5/27/2021 - Minneapolis Honors Police Brutality Victims By Dedicating Armored Vehicles To George Floyd
5/27/2021 - Sick Da Grease Of Preparation
5/27/2021 - Coronavirus Variant Excited To Compete With World’s Top Mutations In Tokyo This Summer
5/27/2021 - Carey Price Lets In Easy Goal While Contemplating Chemical Properties Of Ice
5/27/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Cruella’
5/27/2021 - A New Look: The Dry Cleaner Lost Samus’s Suit So Now She’s Wearing Mesh Shorts And A Big Dogs XXL T-Shirt
5/27/2021 - Ignorant Fool Asks If Girlfriend Really Needs Another Decorative Teapot
5/27/2021 - 11-Year-Old Used ‘SVU’ Tip To Mark Attacker
5/27/2021 - Tired Man Can’t Deal With Chipper Frosted Mini Wheats Box So Early In The Morning
5/27/2021 - Fan Stays Until The End Of Marlins Game To Miss The Traffic
5/26/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Belarus’ Leader Diverting A Ryanair Flight
5/26/2021 - Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Go Zero Waste
5/26/2021 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
5/26/2021 - Biden, Putin To Hold Summit In Geneva
5/26/2021 - Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact
5/26/2021 - Man With ‘Family’ Tattooed Across Chest Forbidden To Come Within 500 Feet Of His Wife
5/26/2021 - Surgeon Totally Blanks On What He Cut Open Patient For
5/26/2021 - Unexpected Crunch Prompts Woman To Take Roll Call Of Teeth With Tip Of Tongue
5/26/2021 - Critics Warn $15 Wage Will Force McDonald’s To Replace Burger Patties With Robots
5/25/2021 - Phil Mickelson Becomes First Golfer To Win Major In 14 Different Decades
5/25/2021 - Trae Young Silences MSG Crowd To Tell Spike Lee ‘School Daze’ Had Too Many Plotlines
5/25/2021 - Belarus ‘Hijacks’ Plane To Arrest Journalist
5/25/2021 - Florida High School Alters Yearbook Photos To Hide Girls Entirely
5/25/2021 - Class-Action Suit Against God Pays Out 45 Extra Seconds Of Life To Every Creature
5/25/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Friends: The Reunion’
5/25/2021 - Everyday Products You Never Knew Actually Started In The Military
5/25/2021 - Daring Legal Strategy: Tim Sweeney Is Threatening To Hold His Breath Until The Judge Rules In Epic Games’ Favor
5/25/2021 - Alabama Overturns Ban On Yoga In Schools
5/25/2021 - Friend On Group Trip Establishes Dominance By Placing Toiletry Bag On Bathroom Counter
5/25/2021 - Biden Concerned Ambitious Agenda Could Be Stalled By Him Not Really Caring If It Happens Or Not
5/24/2021 - Republicans Worried Blind Worship Of Trump Overriding Traditional Values Like Blind Worship Of Reagan
5/24/2021 - Simone Biles Lands Historic Vault
5/24/2021 - Man With Fear Of Flying Reminds Himself You More Likely To Get Kidnapped By Belarusian Dictator On Drive To Airport
5/24/2021 - Mom Saw Article On Declining U.S. Birth Rate And Thought Of Your Deteriorating Sex Organs
5/24/2021 - Career Backup Plan Even More Likely To Fail
5/24/2021 - New Orleans Airbnb Touts Location In Heart Of Historic Airbnb Quarter
5/24/2021 - 7-Year-Old Has Seen Way Deeper Deep Ends
5/24/2021 - Patient With 18 Months To Live Not Sure She Can Sustain Cherishing Every Moment That Long
5/24/2021 - Nation All Itchy
5/24/2021 - Actors Describe The Dream Role They Never Got To Play
5/24/2021 - World’s Largest Iceberg Breaks Off From Antarctica
5/21/2021 - Conservative Man Misses Days When U.S. Army Was 2 Inches Tall, Green, And Plastic
5/21/2021 - AP Fires Journalist At Palestinian Civilians
5/21/2021 - Anti-Asian Hate Crimes Bill Signed Into Law
5/21/2021 - Most Common Mistakes Made By Home Gardeners
5/21/2021 - ‘And You Lived In Afghanistan For How Long?’ Asks Suspicious Agent Questioning Returning Soldier At Customs
5/21/2021 - Brilliant New Animated Comedy Gives Viewers Clinical Depression
5/21/2021 - What To Know About The 17-Year Cicadas
5/21/2021 - Adult Kickball League Great Way To Meet Other People Who Are Entirely Out Of Options
5/21/2021 - Texas Bans Abortions As Early As 6 Weeks Into Pregnancy
5/21/2021 - New Initiative Helps Young Girls Gain Confidence By Teaching Them To Melt Human Beings With Sonic Mind Blasts
5/20/2021 - Gorgeous Vacation Spots For Escaped Felons On A Budget
5/20/2021 - McConnell Opposes Bipartisan January 6 Commission
5/20/2021 - Apartment Listing Cagey About Whether Unit Has Floor
5/20/2021 - Path Of Least Resistance Celebrates 20th Anniversary
5/20/2021 - Oval Office Closed For Cleaning After Major Biden Vomits Partially Digested Secret Service Agent Onto Carpet
5/20/2021 - Café Only Has One Ketchup Bottle
5/20/2021 - Artist Profile: Dua Lipa
5/20/2021 - ‘I Guess I’d Watch Another,’ Says Woman Unaware Boyfriend Died On Couch 4 Episodes Ago
5/20/2021 - The Final Episode Of The Topical
5/20/2021 - Twitter Planning Paid Subscription Service
5/19/2021 - Supreme Court To Hear Abortion Rights Challenge
5/19/2021 - Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Score The Best Deal On Travel
5/19/2021 - Congress Reaches Compromise To Investigate Events Of January 9
5/19/2021 - Embarrassing Gaffe: ‘Resident Evil Village’ Actually Features More Of A Town Than A Village If You’re Going By The Technical Definition
5/19/2021 - Boyfriend Mainly Kept Around As Deterrent
5/19/2021 - What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs
5/19/2021 - How To Talk To Someone Who’s Hesitant About Getting A Covid Vaccine
5/19/2021 - Taking The Wind Out Of Their Sales
5/19/2021 - U.S. Ambience Protection Agency Fines Restaurant For Destroying Mood With Fluorescent Lighting
5/19/2021 - ‘And Most Of All, Thank You For Teaching Us How To Love,’ Conclude Teary-Eyed Afghani Populace Waving Farewell To U.S. Troops
5/19/2021 - Helpful Speechwriter Lets Audience Know He’s Talking About ‘These United States’
5/19/2021 - Grandma Who Supposedly Loves You More Than Anything Can’t Even Be Bothered To Remember Your Name, Age, Job
5/19/2021 - Texas Moves To Ban Words ‘Beef,’ ‘Meat’ From Plant-Based Food Labels
5/19/2021 - Slacker Congressperson Praying He Gets Some Bullshit Committee Assignment Like ‘Climate Crisis’
5/18/2021 - Frightened Matt Gaetz Tucks Legs Up As Federal Agents Search Middle School Girls’ Bathroom Stalls
5/18/2021 - Arsenal Rejects Spotify CEO’s Bid To Buy Team For One-Third Of A Cent
5/18/2021 - Neighborhood Rallies To Designate Pothole As Historic Landmark
5/18/2021 - South Carolina Adds Firing Squad As Execution Option
5/18/2021 - Wonder Bread Turns 100
5/18/2021 - Bill Gates Announces He’s Donating Entire Charity To Fortune
5/18/2021 - U.S. Military Leaves Scarf In Afghanistan So It Has Excuse To Go Back Later
5/18/2021 - ADHD Prescription Label Stapled Into Baby Book
5/18/2021 - The Surprising History Behind America’s National Parks
5/18/2021 - ‘Wow, Hope You Had A Nice 17 Years Off,’ Say Annoyed Bugs Left To Torment Humans Without Help Of Cicadas
5/18/2021 - Possible Lightning Strike Kills 18 Wild Elephants
5/17/2021 - ‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There
5/17/2021 - NRA Denied Bankruptcy Claim
5/17/2021 - One Too Many Squats Causes Tightening Ass To Collapse Into Singularity
5/17/2021 - Heads Up ‘Metroid’ Fans: Oh Man, We Forgot We Signed An NDA, Nevermind
5/17/2021 - 8th Cat Acquired In Hopes Of Easing Tension Between First 7 Cats
5/17/2021 - Israel Returns Occupied Territories To Palestinians After Running Out Of Targets To Hit In Gaza
5/17/2021 - Failed Professional Sports Leagues
5/17/2021 - Tourist Left Dangling After Winds Break Glass Bridge
5/17/2021 - ‘This Is What It’s All About, Boys,’ Says Man Hour Away From Complete Meltdown On Sixth Hole
5/17/2021 - Rich Guy Asks Around To Find Out Who The New Jeffrey Epstein Is
5/14/2021 - Ohio Offers $1 Million Lottery To Boost Vaccinations
5/14/2021 - Houston Authorities Scramble As Missing Tiger Disappears Into Crowd Of Tigers
5/14/2021 - GOP Elects To Replace Liz Cheney In Leadership Role With Trump-Backed Skyscraper
5/14/2021 - The Perfect Combination: ‘Mass Effect Legendary Edition’ Features ‘Mass Effect 1,’ ‘Wario Land 2,’ And ‘Mass Effect 3’
5/14/2021 - Biden Outlines Renewable Energy Plan To Invade Mt. Olympus And Steal Aeolus’ Bag Of Wind
5/14/2021 - Young Mare Can’t Believe Stallion She Slept With Lied To Her About Being 5-2 Favorite In Preakness Stakes
5/14/2021 - ‘Oh My God, Is That Seriously What My Voice Sounds Like?’ Says Humiliated J. Cole After Listening To New Album
5/14/2021 - Jordan’s Game-Used Tongue Sold For $1.38 Million At Auction
5/14/2021 - History Of U.S. Politicians Being Punished By Their Own Party
5/14/2021 - Doctor Watches In Horror As Polyp Skitters In Front Of Colonoscopy Camera Just As Screen Goes Black
5/14/2021 - Rock & Rock Hall Of Fame Announces 2021 Inductees
5/14/2021 - Taco Bell Employee Has Had Far Greater Positive Impact On People’s Lives Than Firefighter Ever Could
5/14/2021 - Push Notification Informs Man Of Human Rights Violation
5/13/2021 - ‘We’re So Screwed,’ Says Detroit Lions Fan After Seeing They Got Matched Up Against Other Teams Again
5/13/2021 - Kevin Durant Spends All Day Feuding With Own Burner Account
5/13/2021 - GOP Removes Liz Cheney From Leadership Post
5/13/2021 - No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It
5/13/2021 - Man Unaware Israel-Palestine Opinion Retained Verbatim From 1997 Beauty Pageant Contestant’s Answer
5/13/2021 - Dr. Fauci: ‘There’s No Longer A Need For Statues To Wear Masks Outside’
5/13/2021 - DSM-5 Finally Stops Classifying Adult Disney Fandom As Form Of Psychopathy
5/13/2021 - The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State
5/13/2021 - ‘Shrek’ Franchise Turns 20
5/13/2021 - Sally Beauty Introduces New Press-On Hangnails
5/13/2021 - First Genetically Modified Mosquitoes Released In U.S.
5/13/2021 - Historians Confirm Lewis And Clark Set Out On Expedition To Justify Purchase Of Expensive Camping Equipment
5/13/2021 - Elaborate Snack Spread Prepared For Viewing Of Child-Trafficking Documentary
5/12/2021 - Ellen Announces To Bound-And-Gagged Staff That She Ending Them
5/12/2021 - Long-Time Employee Will Always Be Remembered For Sticking Around Too Long
5/12/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The Colonial Pipeline Cyberattack
5/12/2021 - Driver Worried About Potential Gas Shortage Makes Sure To Fill Up All The Way
5/12/2021 - Palestinian Family Who Lost Home In Airstrike Takes Comfort In Knowing This All Very Complicated
5/12/2021 - Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes In Protest
5/12/2021 - What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce
5/12/2021 - Parents Can’t Believe How Bad Daughter Is At Being Raised By Them
5/12/2021 - Woman Gives Birth To 9 Babies
5/12/2021 - Family Photo With Ex-Boyfriend Still Prominently Displayed On Grandma’s Mantle
5/12/2021 - Nation Wondering When Steve Jobs Coming Back
5/12/2021 - New Program Encourages Americans To Get Vaccine To Prevent It From Going To Foreigners
5/11/2021 - Japan Ambassador Rahm Emanuel Asks New Hosts For Best Black Site Recommendations
5/11/2021 - Hackers Shut Down Major U.S. Fuel Pipeline
5/11/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The Underground Railroad’
5/11/2021 - Great Clips Introduces New Buy One, Get One To Fix Haircut They Fucked Up
5/11/2021 - A Moral Quandary: The Government Has Developed A Serum That Can Cure Gaming And They’re Demanding All Gamers Take It
5/11/2021 - Famous Authors Describe Their Biggest Rejections
5/11/2021 - U.S. Adds Far Fewer Jobs Than Expected In April
5/11/2021 - New Evidence Finds God Destroyed Sodom And Gomorrah As Part Of Luxury Condominium Development Deal
5/11/2021 - Woman Suddenly Realizes She Same Age Parents Were When They Were Her Age
5/11/2021 - Rock Looked Way Cooler Wet
5/10/2021 - India’s Last Breath Of Oxygen Burned To Make H&M Bralette
5/10/2021 - The Legend Grows: Onion Sports’ Coverage Of Tim Tebow
5/10/2021 - Conservatives Panicking After Every Member Of Republican Party Ousted For Insufficient Loyalty To Trump
5/10/2021 - Kentucky Derby Winner Fails Drug Test
5/10/2021 - White House Aides Frantically Demand Major Biden Drop Hellfire Missile From Mouth
5/10/2021 - The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of First Dog Bo Obama
5/10/2021 - Conservatives Criticize Local Preschool For Silencing Right-Wing Animal Voices
5/10/2021 - Amber Alert Freaks Out Abducted 3-Year-Old Napping In Backseat
5/10/2021 - Take A Virtual Tour Of The Met With ‘The Onion’
5/10/2021 - Area Man Too Weak To Carry Dust-Covered Bowflex Out To Curb
5/10/2021 - Ruffles Announces Decision To End Product So Snack Can Go Out On Top
5/10/2021 - Man Accepts He Will Never Look Sharper Than When He Dressed As Secret Agent For 3rd-Grade Halloween Party
5/10/2021 - Belgian Farmer Accidentally Moves French Border
5/7/2021 - Federal Judge Strikes Down Eviction Moratorium
5/7/2021 - Gasping, Out-Of-Shape Olympians Beg IOC To Postpone Games
5/7/2021 - Woman Hoping For Quiet Mother’s Day Doesn’t Want Any Kids This Year
5/7/2021 - Mother Assures Daughter It Perfectly Natural To Spray Geyser Of Period Blood All Over Classroom
5/7/2021 - Pros And Cons Of Banning Trump From Social Media Platforms
5/7/2021 - Ms. Placed Priorities
5/7/2021 - ‘Is This Thin Enough?’ Asks Butcher Holding Up Half Of Bisected Cow
5/7/2021 - Experts Say Best Depression Treatment Remains Having Coal-Covered Street Urchins Sing About Dancing Troubles Away
5/7/2021 - Tips For Getting Started With ‘Resident Evil: Village’
5/7/2021 - Plan To Propose At Tigers Game Scuttled By 13-1 Loss
5/7/2021 - Celebrity Couples Explain What Made Their Marriages Last
5/7/2021 - Man Shocked To Learn Environmental Impact Of Eating One Hamburger While Driving Bulldozer Through The Amazon
5/7/2021 - ‘Tiger King’ Star Launches Cat-Themed Cryptocurrency
5/6/2021 - U.S. Gives Developing Countries 60 Seconds With Vaccine Patents To Memorize Everything They Can
5/6/2021 - Arena DJ Overwhelmed By Godlike Power After Getting Fans To Snap Along To ‘Addams Family’ Theme Song On Command
5/6/2021 - Facebook Board Upholds Trump Suspension
5/6/2021 - U.S. Under Pressure To Suspend Marvel IP So Developing Nations Can Create Own Wolverines
5/6/2021 - ‘Care To Explain?’ Ask Conservative Parents After Finding Vaccine Card In Son’s Underwear Drawer
5/6/2021 - Mark Zuckerberg Asks Facebook Oversight Board To Rule On Whether Argument Wife’s Fault
5/6/2021 - Friend In Long-Term Relationship Announces She Wouldn’t Even Be Able To Figure Out Extremely Simple Premise Of Dating App If She Tried
5/6/2021 - Chanel #5 Turns 100
5/6/2021 - Esports-Themed Restaurant Owner To Spend Whole Life Thinking It Went Under Because Of Covid
5/6/2021 - Tiffany Debuts Engagement Rings For Men
5/6/2021 - This Apparently As Beautiful As Woman Ever Going To Be
5/5/2021 - Minimalist Learning To Appreciate Stripped-Down Simple Pleasures Of Unloaded Tater Tots
5/5/2021 - NYC Replacing Snow Days With Remote Learning
5/5/2021 - Experts Say Earning Trust Of Vaccine Skeptics Will Be Key To Jabbing Them When They’re Not Looking
5/5/2021 - Reporter Who Found 3 Angry Tweets About Issue Guesses That’s An Article Right There
5/5/2021 - ‘It’s Him Or Me,’ Says Unhinged Aaron Rodgers Demanding Packers Fire Team Custodian
5/5/2021 - Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup
5/5/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Liz Cheney
5/5/2021 - The Worst Tornadoes In U.S. History
5/5/2021 - End Of Man’s Usefulness To Society Celebrated With Sheet Cake
5/4/2021 - Private Equity Firm Heartbroken After Realizing There No AOL Employees Left To Fire
5/4/2021 - Major Biden In Trouble Again After Burying Antony Blinken In Rose Garden
5/4/2021 - Bill And Melinda Gates Announce Divorce
5/4/2021 - Steve Ballmer Releases Statement Clarifying Marriage Has Never Been More Solid
5/4/2021 - Couple Worried Relationship Will Lose Spark Once They Move Into Leader’s Compound
5/4/2021 - Man Psyches Self Up To Watch Movie
5/4/2021 - Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home
5/4/2021 - Tips For Learning An Instrument
5/4/2021 - Old, Wheezing Mustard Bottle Put Out Of Its Misery
5/4/2021 - Alaska Airlines Bans GOP State Senator
5/4/2021 - Human Composting Could Soon Be Legal In Colorado
5/3/2021 - SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown
5/3/2021 - Easygoing Man Able To Take Whatever Sandwich Throws His Way
5/3/2021 - Amazing Deal Alert: Mrs. Ableman Just Put A Steaming Hot Copy Of ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ On Her Windowsill To Cool
5/3/2021 - U.S. Vows To Invade Next Country That Asks For Covid Vaccine IP
5/3/2021 - Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers
5/3/2021 - Fruit Fly Floating Lifelessly In Glass Of Wine A Somber Reminder Of The Perils Of Gluttony
5/3/2021 - Possible Havana-Like Energy Attack Near White House
5/3/2021 - Middle School Boys’ Basketball Team Down 1 Point With 3 Seconds Remaining Huddle Up To Discuss Masturbation