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2021 November
11/30/2021 - Jack Dorsey Steps Down As Twitter CEO
11/30/2021 - What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight
11/30/2021 - ‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment
11/30/2021 - Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching
11/30/2021 - Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That
11/30/2021 - Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy
11/30/2021 - Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game
11/30/2021 - Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Amputation Kit For Dry, Cracked Feet
11/30/2021 - Quebec Releasing Strategic Maple Syrup Reserves Amid Shortage
11/29/2021 - Theater-Loving Friend Crying For Different Reason Today
11/29/2021 - Self-Important Asshole Making Big Show About Leaving Twitter
11/29/2021 - Hundreds Of FedEx Packages Found Dumped In Ravine
11/29/2021 - New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels
11/29/2021 - Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant
11/29/2021 - Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four
11/29/2021 - Report: Ronan Farrow Has Been Asking People About You
11/29/2021 - Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact
11/26/2021 - Experimental, Iconoclastic Ballerina Stomps Around, Falls On Ass A Bunch
11/26/2021 - Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes
11/26/2021 - Conservationist Breaks Down Sobbing While Going Through Old Box Of Extinct Species’ Things
11/26/2021 - Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday
11/26/2021 - Nation Nearly Strings Together 3 Good Days In Row
11/25/2021 - Lions Fan Praying Players Start Protesting Police Brutality Or Something So He Can Stop Watching
11/25/2021 - Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
11/25/2021 - Al Roker Reminds Macy’s Parade Viewers All The Balloons They See Today Are Up For Adoption
11/25/2021 - Thanksgiving Guests Freeze In Disbelief After Teenager Informs Them Of Native American Genocide
11/25/2021 - Amazon To Let Warehouse Employees’ Families Work Thanksgiving Shifts Too
11/25/2021 - Stouffer’s Targets People Spending Thanksgiving Alone With New Single-Serve Frozen Family
11/25/2021 - Things You Should Never Say At Thanksgiving Dinner
11/24/2021 - What To Watch This Thanksgiving Weekend
11/24/2021 - White House: 95% Of Federal Workforce In Compliance With Vaccine Mandate
11/24/2021 - Man With No Friends Plans Makeshift Friendsgiving With Family Members Instead
11/24/2021 - Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What
11/24/2021 - Biden To Release 5-Gallon Plastic Can Of Gas From U.S. Oil Reserves
11/24/2021 - The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'
11/24/2021 - Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive
11/24/2021 - Friendship Buckles Under Strain Of Single Sincere Moment
11/24/2021 - World Chess Championship Forced To Use Salt Shaker After Losing Bishop
11/24/2021 - Family Saving Time This Thanksgiving By Making Oak Dining Table Day Before
11/24/2021 - Baker Mayfield Struggling To Tune Out Booing Progressive Fans On Commercial Set
11/24/2021 - Serta Recalls 200,000 Mercy Killing Pillows
11/24/2021 - The Onion’s Winter 2021 Movie Preview
11/24/2021 - 80 People Storm Nordstrom In Flash Mob-Style Robbery
11/23/2021 - Spotify Removes Default Shuffle Feature At Adele’s Request
11/23/2021 - Janet Yellen Announces Americans Can Use Promo Code ‘THANKS’ For 10% Off All U.S. Goods And Services
11/23/2021 - Student Disassembling Mechanical Pencil Like Soldier Repairing Rifle On Eve Of Battle
11/23/2021 - Self-Deprecating Comments That Are Actually Really Harmful
11/23/2021 - Overwhelmed Arizona Hospitals Turning Away Patients Who Need Cactus Spines Plucked From Bare Asses
11/23/2021 - Fish Way Too High On OxyContin Runoff To Give A Shit About Species’ Inevitable Extinction
11/23/2021 - NFL Study Finds Concussion Symptoms Completely Disappear If You’ve Had An Even Number Of Concussions
11/23/2021 - Original Copy Of U.S. Constitution Sells At Auction For $43 Million
11/22/2021 - Kyle Rittenhouse Acquitted Of All Charges In Kenosha Shootings
11/22/2021 - Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You
11/22/2021 - Tucker Carlson Late To Work After Being Murdered By Hordes Of Violent Minorities Again
11/22/2021 - Making Mashed Potatoes Like The Pilgrims
11/22/2021 - Most Idiotic Things Anti-Vaxxers Actually Think Will Cure Covid
11/22/2021 - Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel
11/22/2021 - QVC Launches New Primetime Prestige Infomercial Starring Bryan Cranston, Edie Falco
11/22/2021 - Gotta Retch Em All
11/22/2021 - Maryland Mayor Charged With 50 Counts Of Distributing Revenge Porn
11/19/2021 - Fan Helplessly Cries Out At Television To Warn Quarterback Of Unblocked Safety Blitzing Blindside
11/19/2021 - House Censures Paul Gosar For Violent Video
11/19/2021 - We Break Down Every Moment of The ‘Elden Ring’ Preview To Avoid A Conversation With Our Dad About End-Of-Life Care
11/19/2021 - Kyle Rittenhouse Sentenced To 45 Years Of CPAC Appearances
11/19/2021 - Economists Trace Great Resignation To Comedy Central Airing ‘Office Space’ Constantly During Workers’ Formative Years
11/19/2021 - ‘Order, Order,’ Shouts Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Case While Shooting AR-15 At Ceiling
11/19/2021 - Stage Mom Emphasizes Nudity Depends On The Role
11/19/2021 - Worst Arguments People Make Against Switching To Renewable Energy
11/19/2021 - Adele: A Career Timeline
11/19/2021 - Club’s New Monkey Bars Allow Strippers Greater Freedom Of Movement
11/19/2021 - ‘QAnon Shaman’ Sentenced To 41 Months In Prison
11/18/2021 - Lakers’ Staples Center To Become Crypto.Com Arena In $700 Million Deal
11/18/2021 - Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights
11/18/2021 - We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over
11/18/2021 - House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee
11/18/2021 - Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas
11/18/2021 - The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Build The Perfect Home Office
11/18/2021 - Top Free Agents Of The MLB Offseason
11/18/2021 - Fannie Mae Issues Billions Of Mortgage-Backed NFTs
11/18/2021 - Billy Eppler Takes Mets GM Job To Get Closer To Son Mr. Met
11/18/2021 - Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter
11/18/2021 - Closer Than You Think? Scientists Say One Day Dropping Your Phone In The Toilet Could Also Recharge It
11/18/2021 - Amazon Fined $500,000 For Concealing Covid Cases From Workers
11/18/2021 - ‘I Said Do It,’ Barks Cheesecake Factory CEO As Hesitant Chefs Hold Whole Fried Chicken Over Bowl Of Chocolate Pudding
11/17/2021 - Poll: 72% Of Americans Keeping Holiday Gatherings To Household
11/17/2021 - Exhausted Rockefeller Center Staff Decide To Take It Easy And Go With 3-Foot Artificial LED Christmas Tree This Year
11/17/2021 - Disney Acquires All Of America’s Children For $52 Billion
11/17/2021 - TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen
11/17/2021 - Scottie Pippen Boasts He Would’ve Given Much Better Performance Than Jordan In ‘Space Jam’
11/17/2021 - Lollapalooza 2013 Shirt Used To Wipe Up Baby Spittle
11/17/2021 - Chicago Cracks Down On Rising Violence By Installing Enormous Metal Detector Over City
11/17/2021 - Desperate Black Friday Customers Line Up Outside Cargo Ship Stalled In Pacific Ocean
11/17/2021 - Celebrity Chefs Share Their Favorite Thanksgiving Cooking Hacks
11/17/2021 - The Most Contentious President–Vice President Relationships In U.S. History
11/16/2021 - Americans Assure Pentagon They Don’t Care Enough To Make Covering Up Drone Strikes Worthwhile
11/16/2021 - DOJ Suing Uber For Overcharging Riders With Disabilities
11/16/2021 - Treasury Special Ops Remove Money From Circulation By Sniping Dollar Bills Out Of Americans’ Hands
11/16/2021 - Biden Signs $1 Trillion Bipartisan Infrastructure Bill Into Law
11/16/2021 - Cut It Out: You Can Criticize King K. Rool’s Actions Without Resorting To Insulting His Weight
11/16/2021 - Craziest Reasons People Are Afraid Of Teaching Critical Race Theory In Schools
11/16/2021 - NFT Investor Reminds Skeptics Everything Else In World Stupid And Meaningless Too
11/16/2021 - Open Management Position Requires 10 Or More Years Nepotism
11/16/2021 - 105-Year-Old Sets World Record In Age Bracket For 100-Meter Dash
11/15/2021 - ESPN ManningCast Devolves Into Deeply Uncomfortable Argument About Putting Father In Nursing Home
11/15/2021 - Britney Spears’ Conservatorship Ends After 13 Years
11/15/2021 - Telltale Signs You Are Gentrifying Your Neighborhood
11/15/2021 - Patrick Leahy Announces He Won’t Seek Reelection To Make Room For Next Generation Of 70-Year-Olds
11/15/2021 - Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation
11/15/2021 - Seal Lying In Sunbeam Could Be Depressed And You’d Never Know
11/15/2021 - ‘Squid Game’ Creator Voluntarily Returns To Netflix After Being Reminded Of What Life Like On Outside
11/15/2021 - Higher Prices May Force Americans To Eat Reasonable Portions On Thanksgiving
11/15/2021 - Self-Conscious Referee Waits Until Other Official Puts Arms Up After Field Goal
11/15/2021 - Venomous Sharks Found In Once ‘Biologically Dead’ Thames River
11/14/2021 - Carson Wentz’s Helmet Radio Won’t Stop Ringing After Answering Call From Telemarketer
11/12/2021 - Kevin Durant Struggling To Shoot While Wearing 58 Different Jersey Variations
11/12/2021 - Portugal Bans Bosses From Texting Employees After Work Hours
11/12/2021 - Zoo Assures Public Escaped Leopard Will Kill Them Quickly
11/12/2021 - Unmistakable Signs You Are Dating A Narcissist
11/12/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To Tea
11/12/2021 - Vatican Museum Displays Massive Skeletons Of Prehistoric Saints
11/12/2021 - Limo Departing Climate Summit Runs Over Earth’s Last Leatherback Sea Turtle
11/12/2021 - Vienna Brothel Offering Free Session To Customers Who Get Covid-19 Vaccination Onsite
11/12/2021 - Park Ranger Slips Fat Fish To Bear Before Gesturing Towards Littering Family He Wants Mauled
11/11/2021 - Paul Rudd Named ‘People’ Magazine’s 2021 Sexiest Man Alive
11/11/2021 - Critics Question Why Kyle Rittenhouse Singled Out In Kyle Rittenhouse Trial
11/11/2021 - What’s Causing Global Supply Chain Issues?
11/11/2021 - Teen’s Eyes Begin Glowing Red While Reciting Forbidden Knowledge From Book On Critical Race Theory
11/11/2021 - Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope
11/11/2021 - Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace
11/11/2021 - Climate Scientists Warn That Fish Will Be Under Even More Water By 2065
11/11/2021 - Luxembourg: The Thinking Man’s Belgium?
11/11/2021 - Singapore To End Free Covid-19 Treatment To Those ‘Unvaccinated By Choice’
11/11/2021 - ‘Where’s The Rest Of It?’ Screams Yale President Standing Over Shaking Alumni Fundraiser Who Didn’t Make Quota
11/11/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’
11/10/2021 - Capitol Riot Suspect Seeking Political Asylum In Belarus
11/10/2021 - Travis Scott Partners With Stamps.Com In Hope Saving Time And Money On Shipping Also Helps Concertgoers Heal
11/10/2021 - ‘New York Times’ Copy Editor Recommends Tom Morello Cut Down Use Of Wah-Wah Pedal In Column
11/10/2021 - The Bitter Vend
11/10/2021 - Questions I Get Asked As The Main Suspect In A Homicide Case
11/10/2021 - Time For The Talk, Young Gamers: Sex Is Like A Wonderful 2 Player Co-Op Game With Someone You Love
11/10/2021 - Climate Summit Sets Ambitious Goal To Phase Out Fossil Fuels By Time Earth Runs Out Of Them
11/10/2021 - Distracted God Accidentally Puts Baby’s Soul In Envelope To Utility Company
11/10/2021 - K-Y Introduces Personal Mouth Lubricant For Extra Sloppy Kisses
11/10/2021 - Scenes From U.S. Lifting Covid Travel Restrictions
11/10/2021 - Frustrated James Harden Tries To Draw Foul By Planting Gun On Defender
11/10/2021 - Cult Getting A Little Cliquey
11/10/2021 - Worst Ways Boomers Screwed Over Millennials
11/10/2021 - U.S. Lifts Travel Ban For Vaccinated Foreigners
11/9/2021 - Ted Cruz Criticizes Big Bird Getting Covid Vaccine As ‘Government Propaganda’
11/9/2021 - Terrifying Excuses Anti-Vaxxers Use To Avoid The Covid-19 Shot
11/9/2021 - NFL Quarterbacks Share The Toughest Part Of Their Job
11/9/2021 - Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing
11/9/2021 - Defiant Aaron Rodgers Says He Can’t Get Vaccinated Because He Only 4 Years Old
11/9/2021 - Nighttime Skincare Routine Finished Just In Time To Begin Morning One
11/9/2021 - Here’s How To Score Your Free Xbox Series X Using Church’s Chicken 5-Piece Tenders Combo Promotion
11/9/2021 - Bounty CEO Rebrands Business As Metaverse Of Napkins
11/9/2021 - Female California Condors Can Reproduce Without Males
11/8/2021 - Josh Hawley Slams Video Games As Threat To American Masculinity After Bullshit Sniper Ends His ‘Battlefield’ Killstreak
11/8/2021 - Ithaca To Be First US City To Decarbonize All Buildings
11/8/2021 - Movie Studio Vastly Overestimating How Secretive They Need To Be About ‘Transformers 7’ Script
11/8/2021 - Bug Too High Up On Wall Granted Stay Of Execution
11/8/2021 - Comments That Can Actually Get You Fired From Work Immediately
11/8/2021 - Amazon Assures Customers That Alexas Far Too Busy Devising Their Own Plans To Listen In On Private Conversations
11/8/2021 - Why Are There So Few Female Directors?
11/8/2021 - ‘Sopranos’ Creator Finally Reveals Main Character’s Fate
11/5/2021 - Juror In Kyle Rittenhouse Trial Dismissed For Joke About Blake Shooting
11/5/2021 - Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone
11/5/2021 - Virginians Who Watched Schools Taken Over By Sharia Law Refuse To Make Same Mistake With Critical Race Theory
11/5/2021 - Extremely Illegal Things You Actually Do Every Day
11/5/2021 - Key Takeaways From The 2021 Elections
11/5/2021 - Archaeologists’ Discovery Of Skeleton From 2.7 Years Ago Sheds No New Light On Anything
11/5/2021 - Delegation From Doom Island Leaves COP26 In Protest After Failed Vote To Blow Up Sun
11/5/2021 - Report: Catapult Industry Won’t Survive Another Year Without Medieval War Breaking Out
11/5/2021 - London Cab Drivers’ Brains Being Studied For Alzheimer’s Research
11/4/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Eternals’
11/4/2021 - Facebook Shutting Down Facial-Recognition Software
11/4/2021 - Woman Always Starts Texts With ‘Hey’ So Recipient Knows She Talking To Them
11/4/2021 - Lowly 9-Year-Olds Gaze Longingly At Elite Few Chosen To Bowl In Birthday Boy’s Lane
11/4/2021 - Hey, You’re Dying Right Now—As You Scroll Through These Videos You’re Dying
11/4/2021 - Intrusive Thoughts That Are Actually Very Common
11/4/2021 - Jameis Winston To Freeze Knee Until Future Generations Find Cure For Torn ACL
11/4/2021 - Police Honor Beloved Officer Lost In Line Of Due Process
11/4/2021 - The Sun: You Don’t Want To Be Around When This Thing Blows Up
11/4/2021 - ‘Real Housewives’ Faces Backlash Over Decision To Film In Misogynistic, Homophobic Location Of New Jersey
11/4/2021 - Woman Charged $700 After Waiting In ER For Hours Without Receiving Treatment
11/3/2021 - Billionaire Designs Windowless Mega-Dorm For California University
11/3/2021 - QAnon Supporters Disappointed After Steve Irwin Returns Instead Of JFK Jr.
11/3/2021 - Unlikely Friendship: This Baby Xbox Is Best Friends With An N64 ‘WWF War Zone’ Cartridge
11/3/2021 - Democrats Spooked By Loss In Virginia Vow To Work Twice As Hard To Muddle Their Agenda
11/3/2021 - Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit
11/3/2021 - Biden Social Spending Bill Whittled Down To $10 Billion Check To Joe Manchin
11/3/2021 - Veteran Splurges On Angel Monument In Arlington National Cemetery
11/3/2021 - Despondent Congressman Gerrymanders Self Into Own Isolated District
11/3/2021 - Signs You Are A Social Media Clout Chaser
11/3/2021 - The Most Tragic Film Set Accidents
11/3/2021 - Braves Honor Native American Past With Deadly Forced Championship Parade To Oklahoma
11/3/2021 - Study: ‘Broken Heart’ Syndrome On The Rise In Older Women
11/3/2021 - Study Shows Tapping Cheek With Pointer Finger Still Number One Way To Get A Little Kiss
11/3/2021 - Kyle Rittenhouse Claims Self-Defense After Shooting 3 Jurors
11/2/2021 - Astros Start Nolan Ryan In Game 6 On 10,268 Days’ Rest
11/2/2021 - Senator Claims Men Watching Porn, Playing Video Games Because Their Masculinity Criticized
11/2/2021 - Passengers Reminded To Wait Until Seat Belt Sign Turned Off To Roundhouse Kick Flight Attendants
11/2/2021 - Artist Profile: Machine Gun Kelly
11/2/2021 - Get Excited, ‘L.A. Noire’ Fans! This Guy Is Lying About Not Murdering Your Cousin!
11/2/2021 - Ferret Owner Under Impression Any Of Her Other Characteristics Matter
11/2/2021 - Signs You Will Never Actually Be Able To Retire
11/2/2021 - Questions I’m Always Asked As A Guy Drowning In An Above-Ground Pool
11/2/2021 - Climate Summit Leaders Salvage Trip With Joint Statement That Scotland Has Some Pretty Cool Castles
11/2/2021 - Employee On Thin Ice After Taking Allotted Personal Day
11/2/2021 - Man Ate 2,000 Meals At Six Flags For Seven Years To Pay Off Student Debt
11/1/2021 - ‘Testicle Bath’ Birth Control Device Wins Dyson Award
11/1/2021 - Man Who Only Recently Cracked Code On ‘Buck Fush’ Still Puzzling Over ‘Let’s Go, Brandon’
11/1/2021 - Sick Jen Psaki Delivers Press Briefing From Under Blanket While Watching ‘The Price Is Right’
11/1/2021 - Breakthrough Renewable Energy Technology Enables Humans To Burn Wind For Fuel
11/1/2021 - Things You Should Never Text Your Ex After A Breakup
11/1/2021 - Widow Finally Ready To Get Out There And Outlive Someone New
11/1/2021 - Landlord Informs Tenants He Increasing Endless Economic Anxiety By $100