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2021 September
9/30/2021 - Alabama Plans To Use Covid Relief Funds To Build Prisons
9/30/2021 - World’s Largest Dinosaur Shoe Print Discovered In Australia
9/30/2021 - Signs You Definitely Smoke Too Much Weed
9/30/2021 - Remorseful Poster Deletes Comment After Accidentally Telling Wrong Stranger To Kill Self
9/30/2021 - Unvaccinated United Flight Attendant Confident She Can Get Work On Medieval Plague Ship
9/30/2021 - Man Asks If Clinic Has Any Visual Aids He Can Use To Produce Urine Sample
9/30/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘The Many Saints Of Newark’
9/30/2021 - Amazon Astro Leaks Data All Over New Carpet
9/30/2021 - Could Putting Solar Panels On The Vietnam Memorial Be An Offensive Way To Help Stop Climate Change?
9/29/2021 - Treasury Secretary Warns That U.S. Could Run Out Of Cash To Pay Bills In 3 Weeks
9/29/2021 - Nation Doesn’t Understand How Someone As Cool As Kyrsten Sinema Could Fight For Corporate Interests
9/29/2021 - Man Who Just Watched Nature Documentary Going Way Overboard With Newfound Appreciation Of Ants
9/29/2021 - Study: Children Will Face 7 Times More Extreme Climate Events Than Grandparents
9/29/2021 - Scientists Unlock 47 New Editable Genes After Purchasing CRISPR Expansion Pack
9/29/2021 - Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying
9/29/2021 - Organizations With Covid Vaccine Mandates
9/29/2021 - ‘God Has A Plan For Me,’ Says Man Who Was Drafted By The Orlando Magic
9/29/2021 - Signs It’s Time To Rehome Your Dog
9/29/2021 - Two-Thirds Full Bag Of Potting Soil Forever Banished To Area Under Porch
9/29/2021 - FBI Data Show Unprecedented Spike In Murders Nationwide In 2020
9/29/2021 - How Facebook Will Try To Improve ‘Instagram Kids’
9/29/2021 - MLB Experts Predictions For The 2021 Postseason
9/28/2021 - Nintendo 64 Turns 25
9/28/2021 -
GOP Stalls Government Funding Bill By Detonating 50 Tons Of Explosives Inside Capitol Building
9/28/2021 - Cozy Reading Nook To Generate $23K In Chiropractor Bills Over Next 5 Years
9/28/2021 - Man Most Creative, Original Self At Make-Your-Own Sundae Station
9/28/2021 - ‘Bon Appétit’ Publishes Blank Issue After Nothing Sounded Good
9/28/2021 - An Ugly Situation
9/28/2021 - What To Say To Someone Who Has Fallen For A Conspiracy Theory
9/28/2021 - West Virginia Governor Withdraws Bid To Moonlight As Boys Basketball Coach
9/28/2021 - Most Exciting Aspect Of Street Fair Ability To Walk In Middle Of Street
9/27/2021 - John Hinckley’s Unconditional Release Hailed For Ending Stigma Against Trying To Kill The President
9/27/2021 - Netflix Purchases Roald Dahl Rights For $686 Million
9/27/2021 - IRS Reports Your Taxes Specifically Were Spent To Drone-Strike Kids
9/27/2021 - Instagram Assures Parents They’ve Hired Dozens Of Pedophiles To Find Vulnerabilities In App
9/27/2021 - A Secret Only Gamers Know: This One Button Will Make Your Character Jump
9/27/2021 - Parents Disappointed Conformist Child Unquestioningly Following In Their Packers Fandom
9/27/2021 - Most Frequently Googled Health Questions
9/27/2021 - Nation Doesn’t Have Anything Left To Enjoy Once Scented Candle Burns Out
9/27/2021 - ‘You Can’t Let This Happen,’ Says Fundraising Email From Sitting U.S. Congressperson
9/27/2021 - Eye Contact Wasted On Barback
9/27/2021 - Alabama Saw More Deaths Than Births In 2020
9/26/2021 - Injured Jaguar Praying It’s Season Ending
9/24/2021 - New Zealand In Talks With Fast Food Restaurants To Offer Covid Vaccines To Customers
9/24/2021 - Worst Opening Lines You Can Send On Dating Apps
9/24/2021 - Iran Starts Stockpiling Strontium Just To Stress Out U.S. Intelligence
9/24/2021 - EU Honors Angela Merkel’s Tenure By Giving Her Greece
9/24/2021 - Study Finds Murders Rose By Slower Rate In 2021 Thanks To The Brilliant Work Of Inspector Marcele Lachance
9/24/2021 - Online Weed Delivery Service Turning Off Potential Customers With How Into Weed They Are
9/24/2021 - Study Suggests Snakes Thrived Following Asteroid Impact That Killed Dinosaurs
9/24/2021 - God Considering Moving Dinosaurs To Separate Area Of Heaven
9/24/2021 - Long, Loud ‘Umm’ Heralds Beginning Of Sentence
9/24/2021 - Timeline Of U.S.–France Relations
9/23/2021 - Kamala Harris Deeply Troubled By Images Of Haitian Migrants At Border Whom She Distinctly Remembers Telling Not To Come Here
9/23/2021 - Bite Taken Out Of Nerf Football
9/23/2021 - Taliban Asks To Speak At UN General Assembly
9/23/2021 - MGM Pushes ‘No Time To Die’ Back To November 2019
9/23/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ‘Dear Evan Hansen’
9/23/2021 - Woman Loves When Woman Goes Missing
9/23/2021 - Moscow Debuts New Citywide Bike Sharing Program For Circus Bears
9/23/2021 - Man Growing Terrified Something Happened To Dad After Not Receiving ‘Only Murders In The Building’ Recommendation
9/23/2021 - Deal Alert: The Thumb Drive We Implanted Behind Your Left Eyeball Contains A ‘Psychonauts 2’ Download Code
9/23/2021 - Questions To Ask Yourself Before Quitting Your Job
9/23/2021 - Look At This Chart. What If It Means Something Bad?
9/23/2021 - Rude MTA Customer Tries To Board Subway Without Letting Out Massive Cascade Of Water First
9/23/2021 - Italian Prisoner Shoots At Rivals With Gun Smuggled In By Drone
9/22/2021 - Experts Confirm Functional Democracy Generally Requires At Least One Party To Care About Voting Rights
9/22/2021 - Boris Johnson Admits To Having 6 Children
9/22/2021 - Unvaccinated Mom Wants To Know If You’re Coming Home For Covid This Year
9/22/2021 - FBI Offering $100,000 To Anyone Who Can Tell Them Where All The Love Went
9/22/2021 - Things Your Therapist Is Legally Obligated To Report To The Police
9/22/2021 - Study Finds 99% Won’t Repost This, But If You Cared Enough To Read To The End, Please Share
9/22/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Kyrsten Sinema
9/22/2021 - Wings In Basket From 3 Chickens Who Were Friends
9/22/2021 - How Law Enforcement Manhunts Work
9/22/2021 - Samuel Adams Launching New Beer Illegal In 15 States
9/21/2021 - Hospital ICUs At Capacity With Reporters Covering Anti-Vaxxers Dying From Covid
9/21/2021 - Millionaire Robert Durst Found Guilty Of First-Degree Murder
9/21/2021 - Celebrity Sighting! The Raccoon Sly Cooper Was Based On Just Made A Public Appearance For The First Time In Years To Bite A Child
9/21/2021 - How U.S. Schools Are Staying Safe From Covid
9/21/2021 - The Great Fright Way
9/21/2021 - Athletes Share The Worst Questions They've Been Asked By The Media
9/21/2021 - Signs Your Landlord Is Definitely Taking Advantage Of You
9/21/2021 - Study: Marijuana Ranks Among Best Treatment For Persistent Existence
9/21/2021 - Hundreds Of Migrating Songbirds Crash Into NYC Skyscrapers
9/20/2021 - Study Finds First 72 Hours Crucial To Determining Whether Missing Person Case Goes Viral
9/20/2021 - Report: All The People, Living Their Lives, Where Are They Going
9/20/2021 - Capitalist Heroes! This Vape Company has Found a Way to Monetize Sadness
9/20/2021 - British Courts Seal Prince Philip’s Will For 90 Years
9/20/2021 - Beneath Veneer Of Perfect Suburban Life Lies Pleasant Family With Several Fun Lawn Games
9/20/2021 - Relieved Ecologists Announce Rising Sea Levels Were Due To Clump Of Hair Clogging Drain At Bottom of Ocean
9/20/2021 - So-Called Diehard Fan Won’t Even Leap Over Stadium Railing To Catch T-Shirt
9/20/2021 - Signs Your Partner Is Not Sexually Satisfied
9/20/2021 - Archaeologists Discover Neolithic People Took Couple Weekend Trips To Get Feel For North America Before Deciding To Migrate Across Land Bridge
9/20/2021 - Capitalist Heroes! This Vape Company has Found a Way to Monetize Sadness
9/20/2021 - Seal Lying In Sunbeam Could Be Depressed And You’d Never Know
9/20/2021 - Scientists Identify Key Conditions To Set Up Creative ‘Hot Streak’
9/17/2021 - One Out Of Every 500 Americans Have Died From Covid Since Beginning Of Pandemic
9/17/2021 - Lack Of Concrete Dinner Plans Leaves Power Vacuum Filled By Radical Pro-Tapas Fanatics
9/17/2021 - Study Finds Virus Frequently Fooled By Fake Vaccine Card
9/17/2021 - Study: 86% Of Families Hoarse From Screaming By Time They Arrive At Outlet Mall
9/17/2021 - New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings
9/17/2021 - Something To Consider, ‘Earthbound’ Fans: It Appears Peaceful Means Of Bringing About An ‘Earthbound’ Rerelease Have Failed You Yet Again
9/17/2021 - Common Types Of Dreams And What They Actually Mean
9/17/2021 - The Onion’s Guide To CRISPR
9/17/2021 - Party Reaches Point Where Toilet Somewhat But Not Completely Clogged
9/17/2021 - Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service
9/16/2021 - California Governor Gavin Newsom Survives Recall Vote
9/16/2021 - QR Codes By The Numbers
9/16/2021 - Fourth-Grader’s Report On Anacondas Largely Rehashes Established Research
9/16/2021 - Taliban Overtakes Lower Manhattan Days After Biden Administration Leaves NYC 9/11 Commemoration
9/16/2021 - Tucker Carlson Announces He Putting Life On Line By Getting Booster Shot For Investigation Into Covid Vaccine
9/16/2021 - Post-Credits Scene Hints That Fans Can Probably Skip Rest Of Marvel Movies
9/16/2021 - Geneticists Develop Hybrid Creature From Whatever Scraps Of DNA Lying Around Lab
9/16/2021 - Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card
9/16/2021 - We Thought It Might Be Cool To Write A Whole Issue Using A Ouija Board But We Were Wrong, It Sucks, It’s Dogshit
9/16/2021 - Common Lies Parents Tell Their Children All The Time
9/16/2021 - CRISPR Startup Looking To Bring Back Woolly Mammoth By 2027
9/15/2021 - Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District
9/15/2021 - Report: U.S. Poverty Fell To 9.1% Last Year Due To Pandemic Relief
9/15/2021 - We Beat ‘Deathloop’ On The First Try; Sorry It Was Just Too Easy For Gamers Like Us
9/15/2021 - Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard
9/15/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Ivermectin
9/15/2021 - Norm Macdonald Sent To Hell For Mocking God’s Friend O.J. Simpson
9/15/2021 - Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About
9/15/2021 - Pros And Cons Of Space Colonization
9/15/2021 - Starbucks Orders Baristas Hate The Most And Why
9/15/2021 - Scientists ‘Potty Training’ Cows In Bid To Reduce Greenhouse Gas Emissions
9/15/2021 - New Ford Pickup Features Bed Capable Of Carrying Over 700 Pounds Of Good Ol’ Boys
9/14/2021 - Archaeologists Discover Concession Stand At Colosseum That Gouged Ancient Romans 10 Denarii For Small Clay Cup Of Wine
9/14/2021 - Band Really Busting Asses To Earn Local Concertgoer’s Head Nod
9/14/2021 - Tips For Getting Started With ‘Deathloop’
9/14/2021 - Salesforce Offers To Relocate Employees From Texas Over Anti-Abortion Law
9/14/2021 - Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated
9/14/2021 - Back To Cruel
9/14/2021 - ‘And Don’t Screenshot This If I End Up Dying From Covid’ Finishes Anti-Vaxxer Social Media Rant
9/14/2021 - Thank You Note Loses Thread By Second Sentence
9/14/2021 - Worst Things To Say To Someone Who Is Sober
9/14/2021 - Facebook Unveils New Smart Glasses
9/13/2021 - Joe Manchin Slammed For Stealing Spotlight From Other Democratic Senators Who Also Oppose Progressive Legislation
9/13/2021 - CBS Announces New Activism Competition Series
9/13/2021 - Study Finds Processing Power Wasted Mining Bitcoin Only Thing Preventing Sentient Computers From Wiping Out Humanity
9/13/2021 - Enormous Headstone Must Mark Grave Of Person Whose Family Felt Overjoyed By Their Death
9/13/2021 - Give These Excuses To Immediately Get Out Of Jury Duty
9/13/2021 - 5 Things To Know About The California Recall Election
9/13/2021 - Duffel Bag Sitting Atop Two Suitcases On Luggage Carousel Like King On Opulent Throne
9/13/2021 - LAPD Officers Told To Gather Social Media Info From Civilians
9/12/2021 - Al Michaels Confident He Would Completely Nail It If Player Died On Field
9/12/2021 - Lions Fan Displays Supernatural Ability To Determine Every Draft Pick A Bust
9/11/2021 - Americans Fondly Recall 9/11 As Last Time Nation Could Unite In Bloodlust
9/11/2021 - Heartbreak, Grief, Fun For The Whole Family: The September 11 Attacks/'Osmosis Jones' 20th Anniversary Issue
9/10/2021 - Can Of Soup Wounded By Proclamation That There Nothing To Eat In House
9/10/2021 - Polar Bears Inbreeding Due To Climate Change
9/10/2021 - Gravedigger Quietly Hangs Out On Periphery Of Funeral To See If Anybody Compliments The Hole
9/10/2021 - Hard Part Of Workout Video Used As Water Break
9/10/2021 - The Onion’s Fall 2021 Album Preview
9/10/2021 - Fraternity Cookout Raises Over $10,000 To Pay Medical Bills Of Pledge They Put In Coma
9/10/2021 - First Lady Returns To Teaching In-Person At Community College
9/9/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Covid Vaccine Boosters
9/9/2021 - CEOs Give Advice To Millennials About Saving Money
9/9/2021 - Man No One’s Looked Directly At In Weeks Concerned Everyone Can Tell He’s Balding
9/9/2021 - Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead
9/9/2021 - Virginia Removes Robert E. Lee Statue From State Capital
9/9/2021 - Report: Researcher Has To Step Away For Minute But Feel Free To Grab Either Cookie Or Carrots
9/9/2021 - Meet The 8-Year-Old Whiz Kid Whose Neurotoxin Could Kill Millions If Even A Drop Found Its Way Into The Water Supply
9/9/2021 - Birds Demand Natural History Museum Return Dinosaur Skeletons Plundered From Ancestral Resting Place
9/9/2021 - Former Walmart Executive Unveils Plan For $400-Billion Eco-Friendly City In Desert
9/9/2021 - New National Park Service Sanitation Regulations Require Hair Nets For Bears
9/8/2021 - Taliban Criticized For Failure To Include Diverse Array Of Extremist Perspectives In Government
9/8/2021 - Mexico Decriminalizes Abortion
9/8/2021 - Congratulations! OGN Is Awarding You An Extra Hour Of Screen Time Tonight Because You Got Such Good Grades
9/8/2021 - Report: It Time For Neighbor Kid To Go Home
9/8/2021 - 5 Things To Know About Elizabeth Holmes’ Trial
9/8/2021 - Signs It’s Time To Put Your Parents In A Nursing Home
9/8/2021 - Charles Barkley Insists Modern Stars Would Not Score 10 Points A Game In Tougher 1400s NBA
9/8/2021 - Top Contenders For The 2021 NFL Season
9/8/2021 - Umpire Who Lost Count Of Strikes Hoping Batter Rips Off Some Foul Balls
9/8/2021 - China Bans Men Who Aren’t ‘Masculine’ From TV
9/7/2021 - Cody Bellinger’s Spectacular Catch Steals Home Run Ball From Fan Holding On By A Thread
9/7/2021 - Media Announces They Will Not Stop Covering Afghanistan Until Biden Wears Scarf
9/7/2021 - Sackler Family Wins Immunity From Further Opioid Litigation
9/7/2021 - Folding Chair In Church Basement Fantasizes About Getting Smashed Over Wrestler’s Back
9/7/2021 - Study: Majority Of U.S. Population One Disappointing Sandwich Away From Complete Mental Breakdown
9/7/2021 - Inmate Granted Parole After Court Determines Release Poses No Threat To Prison’s Bottom Line
9/7/2021 - Mom About To Abandon Son In Target Reluctantly Turns Back After Hearing Name Called Over Loudspeaker
9/7/2021 - Nation’s Contemporary Dancers Announce Plans To Yearningly Reach For Air
9/7/2021 - Things Nobody Tells You About Renovating An Old House
9/6/2021 - ABBA Announces First New Album In 40 Years
9/6/2021 - Report: What You Did Back There Took Guts
9/6/2021 - Mom Announces She Has No Interest In Getting A Tattoo
9/6/2021 - Dabo Swinney: ‘All I Know Is My Players Are Fully Vaccinated Against Distractions’
9/3/2021 - The Onion’s Fall 2021 TV Preview
9/3/2021 - Optimistic Researchers Say There Still Time To Head Off Climate Change Before It Starts Killing Rich People
9/3/2021 - Most Popular Condiments From Around The World
9/3/2021 - U.S. Responds To Rising Sea Levels By Patting East Coast With Towels
9/3/2021 - Joe Rogan Takes Widely Discredited Horse Dewormer For Covid
9/3/2021 - Newly Washed Gym Clothes Immediately Placed Into Dank, Musty Bag
9/3/2021 - Red Flags To Clock The Second You Start Dating
9/3/2021 - KitchenAid Releases New 80-Pound, Stainless Steel Block For Taking Up Counter Space
9/3/2021 - Social Security Funds To Run Out Earlier Than Expected
9/2/2021 - 5 Things To Know About ISIS-K
9/2/2021 - Is There Life After Death? We Asked 800 Corpses
9/2/2021 - Underwhelming Science Fair Experiment Converts Potato Into Baked Potato
9/2/2021 - Bonnaroo 2021 Canceled Due To ‘Waterlogged’ Festival Grounds
9/2/2021 - ‘Bioshock’ Fans Will Love This: The Atlantic Ocean
9/2/2021 - Signs You Are Experiencing Ageism In The Workplace
9/2/2021 - New Texas Law Allows Private Citizens To Hold Pregnant Women Hostage Until Birth
9/2/2021 - Bounty Hunter Tears Into Houston On Motorcycle Wearing Bandolier Of Pregnancy Tests
9/2/2021 - Framing Store Maintains 900,000% Profit Margin
9/2/2021 - Motel Welcomes Guests With Complimentary Bed Bugs On Pillows
9/2/2021 - Female Hummingbirds Avoid Harassment By Looking Like Males
9/1/2021 - Biggest Revelations From The New Bob Ross Documentary
9/1/2021 - ‘Oh God, This Is Just Like ‘The Handmaid’s Tale,’’ Reports Man Standing Next To Elisabeth Moss
9/1/2021 - China Limits Children To 3 Hours Per Week For Online Gaming
9/1/2021 - This Unknown Reviewer Standing In Front Of A Wall Of Consoles, Game Art, And Stuffed Game Characters Has Immediately Won Our Trust
9/1/2021 - Al-Qaeda Reassures Nation 9/11 Anniversary Attack Would Be A Little Cheesy
9/1/2021 - New Texas Abortion Law Offers $10,000 To Private Citizens For Names Of Anyone They Heard Was A Slut
9/1/2021 - Man Short-Circuits After Cashier Hands Him Change, Bag, Receipt At Same Time
9/1/2021 - Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Grieving
9/1/2021 - A Look At The Class Of 2025
9/1/2021 - TestosteRuin
9/1/2021 - Sweatshop Workers Stand In Line For Hours To Assemble New iPhone 13
9/1/2021 - Abandoned Balloon Adopted By Flock Of Migrating Geese
9/1/2021 - Parents Ordered To Pay $30K For Getting Rid Of Son’s Porn Cache