Sitemap
2022 December
12/30/2022 - BREAKING: 129,600… 129,599… 129,598…
12/30/2022 - Nation's Single Friends Announce Plans To Just Sort Of Stand There While Couples Kiss On New Year's Eve
12/30/2022 - South Koreans To Become Younger As Traditional Age System Scrapped
12/30/2022 - Flesh-Eating Bacteria Struggle To Chew Through Leathery Florida Residents
12/30/2022 - Police Release Composite Sketch Of What They Would Prefer Murder Suspect To Look Like
12/30/2022 - Hospital Patient Arrested For Switching Off Neighbor’s ‘Noisy’ Oxygen Machine
12/30/2022 - Things To Never Say To A Taylor Swift Fan
12/30/2022 - Protagonist’s Wife To Answer His Phone Call While Mixing Food In Bowl
12/29/2022 - Police Let Jogger Keep Body She Found After No One Claims It Within 90 Days
12/29/2022 - Florida Woman Suing Velveeta Over ‘False’ Cooking Time Claim
12/29/2022 - Things People Hate The Most About Disney Adults
12/29/2022 - NRA Congratulates School Shooter For Terrific Aim Given Such Small Targets
12/29/2022 - Hertz To Pay $168 Million After Falsely Accusing Customers Of Stealing Rental Cars
12/29/2022 - Ancient Buddhist Temples, Thrilling Muay Thai Matches, And Other Must-See Attractions Your Dumb Ass Missed Out On By Visiting Norway
12/29/2022 - Reformed Nazi Puts Swastika Tattoo In Sarcastic Quotation Marks
12/28/2022 - Signs You’ve Spent Too Much Time With Your Family Over The Holidays
12/28/2022 - England No Longer Majority Christian
12/28/2022 - Self-Loving Tesla Forgives Itself For Running Over Child
12/28/2022 - New Pam Ad Campaign Reminds Teens That Pam Can Get Them High And Is Easy To Obtain
12/28/2022 - Studio Offers Free Kanye West Tattoo Removal
12/28/2022 - Breaking: Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh
12/28/2022 - Short Death Row Inmate Strapped Into Electric Booster Seat
12/27/2022 - Pride At Using Big Word Causes Man To Completely Lose Train Of Thought
12/27/2022 - French Baguette Given UNESCO World Heritage Protection
12/27/2022 - Childless Man Wonders Who’ll Be There To Neglect Him When He’s Old
12/27/2022 - Nation’s Drunk Women List Mental Illnesses They Have
12/27/2022 - Unfortunate Study Finds Abusing Waitstaff Secret To Longer, Happier Life
12/27/2022 - Narcan Vending Machine Reverses 600 Overdoses
12/27/2022 - Things All Cats Do That Prove They Are Psychopaths
12/26/2022 - Existential Horror At Wealthy Elite Selling Off Humanity’s Future Successfully Sublimated Into Yelling At Cashier
12/26/2022 - Things To Never Say To Your Amazon Delivery Driver
12/26/2022 - Drake Gifts DJ Khaled 4 Luxury Toilets For Christmas
12/26/2022 - Shanghai Tower Named World’s Tallest Building Amid Late Growth Spurt
12/26/2022 - Mom Wants To Know When Couple Going To Give Her Better Grandchildren
12/26/2022 - Zombie Virus Revived After 48,500 Years In Permafrost
12/26/2022 - Doctors Warn Insomnia Can Affect Ability Of Weird Guy To Stand In Doorway Watching You Sleep
12/23/2022 - Christmas Tree Lot Guy So Ready For Annual 46-Week Vacation
12/23/2022 - Husky Boy Relegated To Standing Next To Santa
12/23/2022 - James Cameron ‘Proves’ Jack Couldn’t Have Survived Titanic Sinking
12/23/2022 - Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!
12/23/2022 - Man Peels Price Tag Off Gift For Dog
12/23/2022 - U.S. Treasury Introduces New Wild Bills That Can Be Used For Any Dollar Amount
12/23/2022 - Restaurant Customers Explain Why They Refuse To Tip
12/23/2022 - Dad Drinking, Ashing Into Same Beer Can
12/22/2022 - Powerful ‘Bomb Cyclone’ Expected To Disrupt Holiday Travel
12/22/2022 - Michael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of Head
12/22/2022 - What To Say If Someone Is Gaslighting You
12/22/2022 - Girlfriend In One Of Those Moods Where She Misses Her Deceased Mother
12/22/2022 - Married Couple Celebrates First Anniversary With Piece Of Wedding DJ Saved In Freezer
12/22/2022 - Father Engages Siri In Argument About WWII
12/22/2022 - Where To Leave A Single Strand Of Hair To Drive Your Lover’s Wife Wild
12/22/2022 - ‘It’s Going To Be A White Christmas!’ Says Man Who Will Spend Holiday Trapped In Overturned Car
12/22/2022 - Petco Begins Selling Pre-Killed Gerbils
12/22/2022 - Nazi Secretary, 97, Convicted For Role In 10,000 Murders At Death Camp
12/21/2022 - ‘Fortnite’ Maker Fined $520 Million For Invading Kids’ Privacy And Tricking Players
12/21/2022 - How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays
12/21/2022 - Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me!
12/21/2022 - Ex-Christian Makes Uncomfortable Small Talk After Running Into Jesus Christ At Store
12/21/2022 - Compassionate Man Leaves Wife To Give Her Space To Deal With Cancer Diagnosis
12/21/2022 - Most Common Issues Men Bring Up In Therapy
12/21/2022 - Man Who Could Have Been Holding Gun In Diverging Timeline Shot Dead By Police
12/21/2022 - Skeleton In Sketchy Doctor’s Office Assembled Completely Wrong
12/21/2022 - Potential Candidates To Replace Elon Musk As Twitter CEO
12/21/2022 - U.N. Votes To Remove Iran From Women’s Rights Council
12/20/2022 - Twitter Users Vote For Elon Musk To Step Down As CEO
12/20/2022 - Please Stop Watching Me Bake These Macarons, It Makes Me Self-Conscious And I Can’t Concentrate
12/20/2022 - FIFA Officials Open For 2030 World Cup Bribes
12/20/2022 - Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer
12/20/2022 - Report: Hundreds Of Swimmers Die Every Year Getting Tangled Up In Plastic Lane Dividers
12/20/2022 - Drill Sergeant Struggling To Communicate That New Recruits Are, In Fact, The Worst He’s Ever Seen
12/20/2022 - ‘They Hate Me–They Hate Me Because I’m Fat,’ Says Sobbing Biden Viewing Latest Approval Ratings
12/20/2022 - Giant Aquarium Housing 1,500 Fish Bursts In Berlin
12/19/2022 - Argentina Wins 2022 World Cup
12/19/2022 - Hanukkah Fact: Did You Know?
12/19/2022 - Prince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between Children
12/19/2022 - ‘The Curse Is Lifted,’ Says Messi Before Transforming Back Into Soccer Ball
12/19/2022 - Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries
12/19/2022 - Trump Mocked For ‘Major Announcement’ He’s Selling Trading Cards
12/19/2022 - Out-Of-Shape Streaker Ashamed After Cramp Forces Him To Walk Rest Of Way Across Football Field
12/19/2022 - Meryl Streep Dropped By Agent After Failing To Develop Massive TikTok Following
12/19/2022 - Disappointed Man Reaches Bottom Of Ice Cream Carton Right When He Was Hitting His Stride
12/19/2022 - Report: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off Time
12/19/2022 - What To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On Christmas
12/19/2022 - At Least Man Masturbating On Bus Wearing Mask
12/18/2022 - Mac Jones Calls Game ‘Must Win’ After Bill Belichick Shows Him Picture Of His Family Sleeping
12/18/2022 - Week In Review: December 18, 2022
12/16/2022 - Senate Votes To Ban TikTok On Government Devices
12/16/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 15 Picks
12/16/2022 - Elon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding Rent
12/16/2022 - What To Know About The Nuclear Fusion Breakthrough
12/16/2022 - Ron DeSantis Introduces New Son Barron Trump
12/16/2022 - Pharma Company’s Holiday Party Features Insulin Fountain
12/16/2022 - Elon Musk No Longer Richest Person In World
12/16/2022 - Subway Introduces Mandatory 72-Hour Psychiatric Hold For Anyone Thinking Of Ordering Sandwich
12/16/2022 - Single Woman Feels Safer Keeping Loaded Baked Potato In Nightstand
12/16/2022 - Conservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying America
12/16/2022 - ‘America’s Test Kitchen’ Begs Middle-Aged Women To Stop Sending Them Panties
12/15/2022 - U.S. Announces Nuclear Fusion Energy Breakthrough
12/15/2022 - Gates Foundation Unveils Initiative To Give Starving Africans Fat Suits
12/15/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 15 Picks
12/15/2022 - Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan
12/15/2022 - Worst Mistakes You Can Make At A Company Holiday Party
12/15/2022 - What Will Happen To FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried?
12/15/2022 - CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried
12/15/2022 - ‘Woman’ Named Dictionary.com’s 2022 Word Of The Year
12/15/2022 - Ancestry Website Shows Chart Of Which Dead People Busted Loads Inside Other Dead People
12/15/2022 - Uncle Returns From Trip Abroad With Treasure Trove Of Prescription Medications
12/15/2022 - Could Something Bad Happen?
12/14/2022 - Bill Protecting Same-Sex Marriage Signed Into Law
12/14/2022 - What To Know About ‘Avatar: The Way Of Water’
12/14/2022 - Good Fir Nothing
12/14/2022 - Onion Explains: The International State Of Women's Rights Pt. 3
12/14/2022 - Biggest Reasons Not To Sleep With A Coworker
12/14/2022 - Kansas Keystone Pipeline Leak Largest In Pipeline’s History
12/14/2022 - Nation Forgives Harvey Weinstein After He Gets Really Good At Football
12/14/2022 - Johnson & Johnson Raises Price Of Band-Aids To $100,000 Apiece
12/14/2022 - Restaurant Puts Fun Little Santa Hat On Severed Head Of Animal That Screamed When It Died
12/13/2022 - Arizona Governor Building Illegal Makeshift Border Wall During Final Days In Office
12/13/2022 - Elon Musk Receives Experimental Neuralink Implant In Attempt To Delete Memory Of Being Booed
12/13/2022 - Dad Finally Quits Drinking
12/13/2022 - Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol
12/13/2022 - Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé
12/13/2022 - Nation That Can’t Agree Upon Rules Of ‘Uno’ Attempts To Come To Ideological Consensus
12/13/2022 - Winter Clothing Drive Puts Out Urgent Request For More Giant Foam Fingers
12/13/2022 - Senators React To Kyrsten Sinema Leaving Democratic Party
12/13/2022 - San Francisco Backtracks On Allowing Police Robots To Use Deadly Force
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Politics
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of Sports
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of November
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of October
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of September
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of August
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of July
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of June
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of May
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of April
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of March
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of February
12/13/2022 - Our Annual Year: Best Of January
12/12/2022 - ‘Wordle’ Is 2022’s Most-Googled Search Term
12/12/2022 - EDM Remix Of ‘Jingle Bells’ Just The Push Man Needed To Kill Himself
12/12/2022 - China Fact: Did You Know?
12/12/2022 - Biggest Revelations From Harry And Meghan’s Netflix Documentary
12/12/2022 - God Reveals Frogs’ Mouths Designed Specifically To Feel Awesome On Penis
12/12/2022 - Lifeguard Has To Admit Riptide Just Wanted It More
12/12/2022 - Black Coworker Probably Wants Someone To Bring Up Negro League Baseball To Him Out Of Nowhere
12/12/2022 - Musk’s Neuralink Faces Federal Inquiry After Killing 1,500 Animals In Testing
12/9/2022 - Brittney Griner Released From Russian Prison In Swap For Convicted Arms Dealer
12/9/2022 - Teehee! ;)
12/9/2022 - ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated
12/9/2022 - D.C. Landlord Clarifies He Rejected Gen Z Congressman Because He’s Black
12/9/2022 - Pros And Cons Of AI-Generated Content
12/9/2022 - Bedford Bawls
12/9/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks
12/9/2022 - Germany Foils QAnon-Linked Terror Plot To Overthrow Government
12/9/2022 - Most Controversial Celebrity Pregnancy Reveals
12/9/2022 - Family Scandalized After Grandmother Leaves Hot, Young Caretaker Her Cherished Cobbler Recipe
12/9/2022 - U.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy
12/9/2022 - Easy-Going Company Has World Cup On During Layoffs
12/9/2022 - God Kicking Self For Not Coming Up With Hentai
12/8/2022 - Trump Organization Found Guilty On All Counts Of Tax Fraud
12/8/2022 - Americans React To Brittney Griner Returning Home From Russia
12/8/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks
12/8/2022 - ‘The Onion’ Has Accidentally Locked Ourselves Out Of Our Office In Solidarity With Striking ‘New York Times’ Workers
12/8/2022 - Elon Musk Worried He Won’t Have Enough Twitter Employees Left To Fire On Christmas Eve
12/8/2022 - Money Is Tight This Week So Here's A Recipe For Five Tortilla Chips And Ketchup In A Bowl
12/8/2022 - What Is Americans’ Biggest Workplace Issue?
12/8/2022 - Milo Yiannopoulos Fired From Kanye West’s 2024 Presidential Campaign
12/8/2022 - Biggest Revelations From Ron DeSantis’ New Book ‘The Courage To Be Free’
12/8/2022 - Progressive In Year 2180 Blasts Gender Discrimination In Conscription Practices Of Nabisco’s Corporate Military
12/7/2022 - Indonesia Bans Sex Outside Of Marriage
12/7/2022 - Onion Explains: The International State Of Women's Rights Pt. 2
12/7/2022 - Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’
12/7/2022 - Pros And Cons Of Refusing Service Based On Religious Beliefs
12/7/2022 - ‘So What Do You Do For Work?’ Says Man In Brilliant Opening Gambit Of Making Woman Love Him
12/7/2022 - Students Uncover Under-Desk Surveillance Devices
12/7/2022 - Twins Invent Secret Sex Move They Only Use With Each Other
12/7/2022 - We Reunited Over 600 Former ‘Survivor’ Castaways And Learned Some Pretty Scary Lessons About Why Buildings Have Maximum Occupancy Limits
12/7/2022 - Trump Slams Biden As America’s Most Flat-Assed President
12/7/2022 - Amish Horse Has Probably Never Used Cell Phone
12/6/2022 - Donald Trump Calls To Terminate Constitution
12/6/2022 - Herschel Walker Scrambles To Collect Dozens Of Fetuses That Fell Out Of Pants Pocket
12/6/2022 - SWAT Team Busts Down Door Of Denver Woman’s Home To Apologize For Previous Raid
12/6/2022 - Rat Mother Accused Of Savoring One Child Over Another
12/6/2022 - Georgians Explain Why They Are Voting For Herschel Walker
12/6/2022 - Inspiring! Big Tobacco Execs Celebrate Teen Vaping With Epic PR Song (Sponsored)
12/6/2022 - Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying
12/6/2022 - New Square Feature Allows Customers To Tip With Bible Quote
12/6/2022 - What We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human Trials
12/6/2022 - Elderly Party Guy Wheeling Around Portable Whippit Tank
12/5/2022 - Avian Flu Kills 50 Million Birds In Record U.S. Outbreak
12/5/2022 - Bob Dylan Apologizes For Machine-Printed ‘Signatures’
12/5/2022 - Penis Fact: Did You Know?
12/5/2022 - Jerry Jones Blasts Media For Trying To Make Segregation Look Bad
12/5/2022 - MLB Owners Hold Separate Meeting For Teams Actually Trying To Win Next Season
12/5/2022 - Elon Musk Announces Plans To Implant Tesla In Human Brain Within 6 Months
12/5/2022 - 8,000 U.S. Soldiers Accidentally Tear-Gassed During Morale-Boosting Activity
12/5/2022 - Over-50 Dating App Filters Matches Solely By Whether They’d Stay If You Got Parkinson’s
12/5/2022 - Banned Users React To Elon Musk Allowing Them Back On Twitter
12/5/2022 - Man Wakes Up Early To Take In Majestic December Sunset
12/5/2022 - Fate Of Christmas Uncertain After Eric Adams Institutionalizes Real Santa
12/4/2022 - Week In Review: December 4, 2022
12/2/2022 - Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans
12/2/2022 - NYC Will Hospitalize Mentally Ill People Involuntarily
12/2/2022 - Full-Faced Black Hood™ Drops Kanye West As Celebrity Spokesperson
12/2/2022 - New World Cup Fan Frantically Searching Online For Any Information He Can Find On Country Of ‘United States’
12/2/2022 - The Onion’s Style Guide To Always Supporting The Police
12/2/2022 - Right-Wingers Criticize Kanye For Not Using Platform To Raise Awareness Of Lesser-Known Nazis
12/2/2022 - Conservatives React To Ye’s Appearance On Infowars
12/2/2022 - Woman Embraces Holiday Spirit By Telling Strangers She Doesn’t Speak To Her Family
12/2/2022 - ‘It’s Not Too Bad,’ Says Man As Hot Sauce Begins Disintegrating Jaw
12/2/2022 - Onion Explains: The International State Of Women's Rights Pt. 1
12/2/2022 - CEOs Explain Why Their Brands Stopped Advertising On Elon Musk’s Twitter
12/2/2022 - Oath Keepers Found Guilty Of Seditious Conspiracy In Capitol Attack
12/2/2022 - Nation’s 56,000 Acres Of Spinach Crops Cooked Down To Single Half-Cup Serving
12/1/2022 - Hakeem Jeffries Elected To House Democratic Leader In Historic First
12/1/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 13 Picks
12/1/2022 - It’s Women Of Color Visibility Month! And Even If It Isn’t, It Should Be, And Let’s Be Real, Are You Gonna Try To Argue It’s Not? Because, Honestly, It Might Not Be—But If That’s Something You Want To Push Back On, Be Our Guest, Buddy, Go Ahead And See How Dying On That Hill Works Out For You
12/1/2022 - Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why
12/1/2022 - Taco Bell Introduces New Cheesy Beef Dunk Tank
12/1/2022 - How Americans Decide Which Charities To Donate To
12/1/2022 - Herschel Walker Quietly Asking Around For D.C. Abortion Clinic Recommendations
12/1/2022 - Biden’s Secret Service Rental Cars Burst Into Flames At Nantucket Airport
12/1/2022 - Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Scared Of Flying