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2022 February
2/28/2022 - Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking
2/28/2022 - Florida House Passes ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill
2/28/2022 - Fancy Water Cooler At Hotel Has Fish Floating In It
2/28/2022 - Cancer Researcher Develops Feelings For Lab Rat While Working Long Nights Alone Together
2/28/2022 - Man Sure It’s No Big Deal That He’s Betting On Sports In Dreams Now
2/28/2022 - Billionaires Predict The Biggest Threats To Humanity
2/28/2022 - Doe-Eyed Nation Outstretches Hands Toward Snarling, Barking Dog
2/28/2022 - Extensive Knowledge Of McDonald’s Menu Deliberately Downplayed
2/28/2022 - U.S. Eagles Have Chronic Lead Poisoning From Bullets
2/25/2022 - Russian Soldiers’ Guns, Tanks Vanish Into Thin Air As First Wave Of Sanctions Takes Effect
2/25/2022 - Governor Abbott Warns Children Of Accepting Parents Often Grow Up To Become Accepting As Well
2/25/2022 - Russia Seizes Chernobyl Power Plant In Ukraine
2/25/2022 - The Biggest Crypto Heists Of All Time
2/25/2022 - Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs Making History Against Soul-Crushing Thought Of Spending Time With These People
2/25/2022 - Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock
2/25/2022 - Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever
2/25/2022 - Lies U.S. Military Recruiters Are Legally Allowed To Tell Recruits
2/25/2022 - Understanding The Situation In Ukraine
2/25/2022 - Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery
2/25/2022 - Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957
2/25/2022 - Bottle Of Pepsi Only Thing Distinguishing Office Party From Regular Staff Meeting
2/25/2022 - Medical Student Surgically Implants Bluetooth Device Into Ear To Cheat On Final Exam
2/24/2022 - Russian Forces Instantly Shrink To Size Of Ants After Seizing Chernobyl
2/24/2022 - U.S. Imposes Single Painful Economic Sanction On Self Just To Show Russia How Fucking Crazy It Is
2/24/2022 - Finale Of ‘Arthur’, Longest-Running Children’s Show, Ends With 20-Year Time Jump
2/24/2022 - U.S. Shocked Russia Would Invade Another Country After Seeing How Badly America’s Recent Invasions Went
2/24/2022 - World Leaders Vow Regular People Just Trying To Live Their Lives Will Bear The Consequences
2/24/2022 - Man Dreams Of More Equal America That Just Sort Of Happens On Its Own
2/24/2022 - Scotch-Brite Unveils New Scouring Bread For Wiping Up Leftover Pasta Sauce On Plate
2/24/2022 - Amazon Transfers Insubordinate Employee To Shifts Working In Solitary Warehouse
2/24/2022 - Celebrities You Never Knew Started Their Own Alcohol Brand
2/24/2022 - Why Women In The Workplace Need To Stop Apologizing For Being White. Woah, Woah, Woah There, What? We Can’t Run This.
2/24/2022 - Father Arrested After Telling 4-Year-Old Son To Shoot Officers At McDonald’s
2/23/2022 - 500-Pound Bear, ‘Hank the Tank’, Breaking Into California Homes For Food
2/23/2022 - The Onion Guide To Trump-Backed Truth Social
2/23/2022 - Piece Of Shit Baby Born On 2/22/2022 At 2:23 P.M.
2/23/2022 - Famous Authors React To Their Books Being Banned
2/23/2022 - Military Recruiter’s Pitch Surprisingly Upfront About How Many Civilians You Get To Kill
2/23/2022 - Disappointed Baby Takes Plastic Bag Off Head After Reading ‘Warning: Not A Children’s Toy’
2/23/2022 - Worker Keeps Photo Of Empty Apartment On Desk To Remind Him Why He Stays Late
2/23/2022 - Crows Trained To Pick Up Cigarette Butts In Sweden
2/22/2022 - Fiery Cargo Ship Full Of Porsches Adrift In Ocean
2/22/2022 - New iPhone Setting Reduces Eyestrain With Black Text On Identical Black Background
2/22/2022 - Report: Everyone Was Counting On You And You Let Them Down
2/22/2022 - Restaurant Kitchen Must Have Incredible Diversity And Inclusion Program
2/22/2022 - Woman Desperately Seeking Excuse To Assault Retail Workers Now That Mask Mandate Lifted
2/22/2022 - Worst Things You Can Say To A Child Living Through The Pandemic
2/22/2022 - Air Purifier Gobbles Up Last Whiff Of Dead Wife’s Scent
2/21/2022 - Beijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of Games
2/21/2022 - Man Shell Of Imagined Self
2/21/2022 - Hundreds Of Blackbirds Suddenly Fall From Sky
2/21/2022 - Doctor Assures Family Of Dying Patient He Billing Everything He Can
2/21/2022 - Research Suggests Life On Earth Began Full 20 Minutes Earlier Than Previously Thought
2/21/2022 - Most Frequently Googled Cryptocurrency Questions
2/18/2022 - Melania Accused Of Placing Winning Bid On Own NFT
2/18/2022 - Pope Francis Using New Treadmill Altar To Add More Physical Activity To Workday
2/18/2022 - Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other
2/18/2022 - No-Bullshit Children’s Museum Just Thousands Of Buttons That Light Up When Pressed
2/18/2022 - Lies Elected Officials Tell Their Constituents All The Time
2/18/2022 - Man Who Didn’t Bring Picnic Blanket Sits Ashamedly On Ground Next To Everyone
2/18/2022 - Outdated Sex Ed Curriculum Still Teaches How Boyfriend’s Balls Could Explode If You Don’t Give Him Hand Job
2/18/2022 - U.S. Approves New Headlights That Won’t Blind Oncoming Drivers
2/18/2022 - School Board Conflicts Rage Across The Country
2/17/2022 - Peter Thiel Funding Dating App For Conservatives
2/17/2022 - How To Eat Healthy In Just 3 Bites
2/17/2022 - We Tested Dozens Of Humidifiers As Part Of Our Captor’s Deranged Little Game
2/17/2022 - Painted Rocksnail Knows It Really Fucked If Animal As Cute As Koala Now Endangered
2/17/2022 - Study Finds Best Marker Of Desirability Still Wet Finger Making Sizzle Sound When Touched To Leg
2/17/2022 - Rank And Defile
2/17/2022 - Boar’s Head Unveils New Funfetti Birthday Ham
2/17/2022 - Dog Gets Taste Of Own Medicine After Houseguest Begins Humping Him
2/17/2022 - San Francisco Police Department Accused Of Using Rape Kit DNA To Arrest Victim For Unrelated Crime
2/17/2022 - Signs You May Be Addicted To Sex
2/16/2022 - Thousands Of Priest’s Baptisms Rendered Invalid For Using Wrong Word
2/16/2022 - Man Hides Engagement Ring In Piece Of Cheese So Girlfriend Will Take It Without A Fuss
2/16/2022 - Patient A Little Disappointed He’s Not Getting Treated By Dentist Whose Name Is On Sign
2/16/2022 - ‘Jackass’ Cast Members Discuss Their Most Dangerous Stunts
2/16/2022 - Spinal Implants Allowing Paralyzed People To Walk Again
2/16/2022 - How Artificial Snow Is Made
2/16/2022 - Vision Sharpens, Time Slows To Crawl As Stranger Begins Trying To Make Genuine Human Connection
2/16/2022 - Biden Shoots Self In Foot In Hopes Of Getting Discharged From Presidency
2/16/2022 - Parents Forced To Explain Thrill Of Having Sex In Public After Daughter Sees Monkeys Mating At Zoo
2/15/2022 - Champagne Sales Reach All-Time High
2/15/2022 - Oscars Organizers Fire Wanda Sykes After Discovering History Of Gay Jokes
2/15/2022 - Judge Dismisses ‘New York Times’ Libel Suit Brought By Cannibal Terrorist Sarah Palin
2/15/2022 - Societal Pressure To Conform Doing Nothing But Favors For Area Man
2/15/2022 - Jell-O Recipe Repeatedly Suggests One Could Mix Cremated Loved Ones Into Gelatin Mold
2/15/2022 - Man Who Lost Whole Family Really Commandeering AA Meeting
2/15/2022 - Ohio Mayor Concerned Ice Shanties Would Lead To Prostitution
2/15/2022 - Humane Trap Safely Holds Hungry, Terrified Animal In Mesh Prison Until Captor Can Carry It Far Away From Family
2/15/2022 - Warning Signs A Covid Testing Site Might Be A Scam
2/14/2022 - America Celebrates Valentine’s Day
2/14/2022 - Worst Things You Can Say To Someone Single On Valentine’s Day
2/14/2022 - Study Finds Pop-Up Ads Evolved Decoy ‘X’ To Distract Predators
2/14/2022 - Obama Reveals He Almost Passed On Presidency For Chance To Direct ‘Leatherheads’
2/14/2022 - Artificially Intelligent Amazon Supercomputer Stuck In Dead-End Retail Job
2/14/2022 - 60,000 Bees Stolen From U.S. Supermarket Headquarters
2/14/2022 - 8-And-A-Half-Month-Old Fetus Could Really Get Used To This
2/14/2022 - Man’s Mistress Just Like Wife But Happy
2/13/2022 - Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown
2/13/2022 - Rams Dedicate Win To Whatever City They Play For
2/13/2022 - Eminem Speaks To Police Officer After Noise Complaint Called On Super Bowl Halftime Performance
2/13/2022 - Paranoid Snoop Dogg Hides Backstage Before Halftime Show After Taking Single Puff Of Joint
2/13/2022 - Boston Dynamics Dog Unstoppable At Puppy Bowl
2/13/2022 - Rams Yell At Cooper Kupp From Sidelines As He Sits In Endzone Playing With Ladybug He Found
2/13/2022 - Puppy Bowl Competitors Hide Under Couch During Terrifying Halftime Fireworks Display
2/13/2022 - ‘This Is One Hell Of A Game’ Observes Cris Collinsworth Completing Wordle
2/13/2022 - Sean McVay Gives Passionate Speech Reminding Players Who They Are And Why They Wearing Same Clothes
2/13/2022 - Bengals Trainer Rushes To Give Players Coming Off Field Hydrating Bowl Of Cincinnati Chili
2/13/2022 - Fan At 50 Yard Line Can’t Believe What Amazing Seats His Parents Have On General Electric Board Of Directors
2/13/2022 - Bandwagon Fan Only Roots For Bengals Because He Was Drafted Onto Team
2/13/2022 - Los Angeles Bulldozes SoFi Stadium After Reports That Thousands Of Vagrants Convening There
2/11/2022 - The Most Iconic Super Bowl Commercials Of All Time
2/11/2022 - Koala Officially Listed As Endangered
2/11/2022 - Inflation Jumps 7.5% Before Janet Yellen Realizes She Leaning Against ‘Turbo’ Lever
2/11/2022 - This Trippy Illusion Will Make Your Head Hurt
2/11/2022 - Athletes Describe What It’s Like To Be Inside Beijing’s Olympic Bubble
2/11/2022 - Pope Quietly Moves God To Different Universe After Deity Caught Molesting Altar Boy
2/11/2022 - What To Know About The Canadian Trucker Protests
2/11/2022 - Archaeologists Discover More Old Shit That Sucks
2/11/2022 - Breast Reduction Surgeon Freaking Out After Misplacing Patient’s Nipples
2/11/2022 - Doctors In Canada Can Now Prescribe National Park Passes
2/10/2022 - Dolly Parton’s Dollywood To Offer All Employees Free Tuition
2/10/2022 - Celebrity Chefs Reveal Their Favorite Super Bowl Snacks
2/10/2022 - Florida Bullies Concerned ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Would Make It Tougher To Identify LGBTQ Students To Torment
2/10/2022 - Must-Read Reflections On Black History Month
2/10/2022 - Footage Of Your Ex-Wife Spinning In Slow Motion On The Beach With Her New Lover
2/10/2022 - Awkwafina Announces Plans To Return To Africa To Connect With Roots Following Twitter Departure
2/10/2022 - Hollywood Studios Locked In Massive Bidding War For Screenplay Entitled ‘Existing IP TBD’
2/10/2022 - Very Brave 25-Year-Old Flying On Plane All By Himself
2/10/2022 - The Onion’s Super Bowl LVI Preview
2/10/2022 - Tech Leaders Justify Project To Create Army Of AI-Controlled Bulletproof Grizzly Bears As Inevitable Part Of Progress
2/10/2022 - The Past: What Were They Thinking?
2/10/2022 - British Pub Closes After 1,000 Years Due To Pandemic
2/9/2022 - Hyundai, Kia Tell Owners Of 500,000 Vehicles To Park Outside Due To Fire Risk
2/9/2022 - Tips For Dealing With Depression From Our Coworker Who’s Clearly Going Through Some Stuff Pt. 4
2/9/2022 - Worst Super Bowl Halftime Performances Of All Time
2/9/2022 - Woman Shamelessly Sleeps Her Way Laterally Across Corporate Ladder
2/9/2022 - White Spanish Teacher Does Emergency Refresher Before Meeting Latino Parents
2/9/2022 - Man Stuck Holding Door For Whole Conga Line
2/9/2022 - Idiot Watching ‘Yellowjackets’ Weeks After It Would Have Helped Him In Casual Conversation
2/9/2022 - Oklahoma Bill Would Fine Teachers $10,000 For Contradicting A Student’s Religious Beliefs
2/9/2022 - Tips For Eating Way More Meat
2/9/2022 - Glaring Examples Of How U.S. History Classes Are Whitewashed
2/8/2022 - Frontier, Spirit Airlines Merge To Create 5th-Largest Airline In U.S.
2/8/2022 - NASA Slammed For Selecting U.S. Company To Build Rocket On Mars Rather Than Local Martian Engineers
2/8/2022 - Wes Anderson Announces Next Film Will Be Love Letter To Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences
2/8/2022 - Sacklers Forced To Pay Families Of OxyContin Victims $4.5 Billion In Opioids
2/8/2022 - Declining Bee Population Linked To Increase In Bees’ Pornography Consumption
2/8/2022 - Study Finds Majority Of Americans Die Without Ever Fulfilling Narrative Function
2/8/2022 - New Ancestry.com Feature Warns Users When They Might Want To Stop Sticking Noses Where They Don’t Belong
2/8/2022 - Socially Distanced
2/8/2022 - French Brewer Using Algae To Make Blue Beer
2/8/2022 - Woman Dislikes How Thoughts Get Dark So Early During Winter
2/8/2022 - Artists Explain Why They Are Boycotting Spotify
2/7/2022 - Pastor Holds Bonfire To Burn ‘Witchcraft’ Books Like ‘Twilight’
2/7/2022 - Tips For Dealing With Depression From Our Coworker Who’s Clearly Going Through Some Stuff Pt. 3
2/7/2022 - Winter Olympians To Watch
2/7/2022 - Teacher Fired For Breaking State’s Critical Race Theory Laws After Telling Students She’s Black
2/7/2022 - Chicago Tapes Saran Wrap Over City Borders To Cut Down On Heating Costs
2/7/2022 - Dentist Thought Teeth In Movie Were Really Accurate
2/7/2022 - BREAKING: This Is A Reminder That Your Appointment To Read ‘The Onion’ Is Scheduled For Today
2/7/2022 - Couple Finally Reaches Breaking Point In Relationship Where They Open, Honest With Each Other
2/7/2022 - Biden Administration Considering Pivot To Good Presidency
2/7/2022 - Study Finds Gas Stoves Leak Methane Even When Turned Off
2/4/2022 - Rudy Giuliani Reveal On ‘The Masked Singer’ Prompts Judges To Walk Out
2/4/2022 - Timeline Of Queen Elizabeth’s Reign
2/4/2022 - Janet Yellen Surveys Warehouse Of Topless Women Sorting Out U.S. Treasury Cash
2/4/2022 - Celebrity Chefs Describe Their Favorite Hangover Foods
2/4/2022 - Kavanaugh, Gorsuch Recite Questions In Perfect Unison After Accidentally Memorizing Same Lines From Federalist Society Script
2/4/2022 - Fossilized Evidence Reveals Extinction Of Dinosaurs Led To Brief Epoch When Asteroids Ruled The Earth
2/4/2022 - Domino’s Offering To ‘Tip’ Customers $3 For Ordering Carry-Out
2/4/2022 - Study Finds Deer Only Mammal Besides Humans That Totally Suck
2/4/2022 - Neurosurgeon Holds Spinal Cord Between Teeth To Free Up Hands While Performing Delicate Incision
2/3/2022 - Tide Unveils New Guy Who Will Lick Stains Off You
2/3/2022 - FBI Urges Olympic Athletes To Leave Personal Cell Phones At Home
2/3/2022 - Pentagon Pleasantly Surprised To Discover ISIS Leader Killed During Indiscriminate Bombing Of Middle East
2/3/2022 - Democrats, Republicans Spar Over Whether Judge ‘Unnamed Black Woman’ Qualified For Supreme Court
2/3/2022 - Washington Commanders Primed To Sign Free Agents After Receiving $30 Billion From Defense Budget
2/3/2022 - Shields Are At 30% And Falling: Could Another Direct Hit Be More Than This Old Bucket Of Bolts Can Handle?
2/3/2022 - Movies That Were Changed Drastically For Chinese Audiences
2/3/2022 - Tom Brady Announces Retirement
2/3/2022 - A Week In The Life Of Rihanna
2/3/2022 - Centuries Of Agricultural Inbreeding Produce Apple With Warped, Protruding Jaw
2/2/2022 - ‘New York Times’ Buys Online Game Wordle
2/2/2022 - Do We Live In A Simulation? The Onion Explains
2/2/2022 - Mississippi Undergoes Controlled Demolition To Make Way For New High-End Luxury U.S. Territory
2/2/2022 - Study Finds Majority Of Cavities Formed From Repeatedly Running Tongue Over Tooth That Feels Weird
2/2/2022 - Worst Career Advice Baby Boomers Give Millennials
2/2/2022 - Study Finds Only 97% Of Eye Contact Sexual In Nature
2/2/2022 - Trump Says He Will Pardon Capitol Rioters If He Runs For And Wins 2024 Election
2/1/2022 - Rihanna Expecting First Child With A$AP Rocky
2/1/2022 - Tips For Dealing With Depression From Our Coworker Who’s Clearly Going Through Some Stuff Pt. 2
2/1/2022 - School Calendar Jumps To March 1 After Critical Race Theory Ban Prohibits Month Of February
2/1/2022 - Tom Brady Spends First Day Of Retirement Studying Tape Of People To Learn How They Work
2/1/2022 - Bat Out Of Hell And Into Heaven
2/1/2022 - Bookie Can Be Real Jerk When He Doesn’t Get His Money
2/1/2022 - FTC Questions Merger Of Google With U.S. Government
2/1/2022 - Voter Suppression Laws In Every State
2/1/2022 - Big Button On Screen Given Extra Hard Click
2/1/2022 - Climate Report Finds Humanity’s Plot To Kill Off Emperor Penguin By Heating Planet Going Exactly As Planned
2/1/2022 - New York City Ethics Board Says Mayor Can Hire Brother For $1