Sitemap: 2022 January | The Onion

1/31/2022 - Tennessee School District Bans Holocaust Graphic Novel ‘Maus’

1/31/2022 - Red Flags To Look For When Booking An Airbnb

1/31/2022 - Tips For Dealing With Depression From Our Coworker Who’s Clearly Going Through Some Stuff Pt. 1

1/31/2022 - Crypto Executives Assuage Environmental Concerns By Unveiling Digital Avatar Of Glacier

1/31/2022 - San Jose To Become First City In U.S. To Require Gun Insurance

1/31/2022 - U.S. Sends Military Advisors To Peace-Ravaged Country

1/31/2022 - Woman Disgusted By Magazine’s Glaring Use Of Photoshop In Spot-The-Difference Picture Game

1/31/2022 - Community Hopes Killing 2 In Drunk-Driving Accident Serves As Wake-Up Call To Promising Young Rich Kid

1/29/2022 - The Onion Looks Back On The Greatest Quarterback To Lose 3 Super Bowls

1/28/2022 - SpaceX Rocket Part On Collision Course With Moon

1/28/2022 - Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Minimum Wage

1/28/2022 - Greatest NFL Playoff Moments

1/28/2022 - ‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves

1/28/2022 - Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants

1/28/2022 - Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift

1/28/2022 - Grandma’s Obituary Mostly About Grandpa

1/28/2022 - China Changes ‘Fight Club’ Ending To Have Authorities Win

1/28/2022 - NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole

1/27/2022 - Potential Replacements For Supreme Court Justice Breyer

1/27/2022 - Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory

1/27/2022 - Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire

1/27/2022 - MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary

1/27/2022 - Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts

1/27/2022 - Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You

1/27/2022 - The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen

1/27/2022 - Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom

1/27/2022 - Spectators Cheer As Zookeeper Throws Fish To Very Chubby Boy

1/27/2022 - Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions

1/27/2022 - Ana de Armas Fans Sue Hollywood Studio Over ‘Deceptive’ Film Trailer

1/27/2022 - Man Up To 8 Soul-Searching Walks A Week

1/26/2022 - Neil Young Demands Spotify Remove His Music Over Joe Rogan Vaccine Misinformation

1/26/2022 - Celebrities Explain Why They Are Investing In Crypto

1/26/2022 - John Stockton Claims Covid Vaccine No. 1 Reason Athletes Fail To Win Single Championship

1/26/2022 - Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring

1/26/2022 - ‘Join Our Awesome Team,’ Reads Sign In Supreme Court Building Window

1/26/2022 - Feckless Coward Refuses To Die In Office

1/26/2022 - Police Flip Through Unsolved Crimes To See What Else They Can Pin On Mentally Disabled Man

1/26/2022 - The Onion Guide To NATO

1/26/2022 - Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Actually That Bad Or If Government Altered It

1/26/2022 - Nude Woman Pleasantly Surprised To See Self Represented In Art Museum’s Collection

1/26/2022 - Woman Tries To Buy Baby For $500,000 From Mother At Walmart

1/26/2022 - Mom Believes New Boyfriend Could Give Son Positive Father Figure For Solid Couple Months

1/26/2022 - Dipshit Owner Looking For Perfect Dipshit GM To Carry Out His Dipshit Vision

1/26/2022 - ‘Don’t You Know Who I Am?’ Screams Protected Bird Species After Hunter Shoots At It

1/25/2022 - Frank Vogel Waiting For LeBron To Nod Before Drawing Next Line On White Board

1/25/2022 - Cruise Ship Flees To Bahamas After U.S. Issues Arrest Warrant

1/25/2022 - ‘It’s Over! It’s All Over!’ Screams Ticonderoga CEO, Dousing Office In Gasoline After Announcement SAT Going Digital

1/25/2022 - Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

1/25/2022 - Too Early To Tell If Recent Celebrity Deaths Part Of Viral Pre-Super Bowl Ad Rollout

1/25/2022 - Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game

1/25/2022 - Poll Dancers

1/25/2022 - Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From

1/25/2022 - Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them

1/25/2022 - Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway

1/25/2022 - Archaeologists Find Rare 4,000-Year-Old Board Game

1/25/2022 - Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him

1/24/2022 - Theodore Roosevelt Statue Removed From Natural History Museum

1/24/2022 - CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse

1/24/2022 - Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces

1/24/2022 - Woman Feeling Doubly Conflicted About Attending ‘Harry Potter’-Themed Plantation Wedding

1/24/2022 - Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s

1/24/2022 - Teen Pilot Becomes Youngest Woman To Fly Around World Solo

1/24/2022 - Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks

1/24/2022 - Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value

1/24/2022 - Pragmatic Extremist Stresses Importance Of Assassinating Local Politicians

1/22/2022 - New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War

1/21/2022 - Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office

1/21/2022 - M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’

1/21/2022 - Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

1/21/2022 - Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

1/21/2022 - NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

1/21/2022 - ‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

1/21/2022 - Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads

1/21/2022 - Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster

1/21/2022 - Serial Killer’s Taunts Mailed To Dollar Tree Where Old Police Station Used To Be

1/21/2022 - Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers

1/20/2022 - Starbucks Drops Worker Vaccine Mandate After SCOTUS Ruling

1/20/2022 - Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio

1/20/2022 - What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote

1/20/2022 - Girlfriend’s Hair Somehow Inside Wallet

1/20/2022 - Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals

1/20/2022 - Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In

1/20/2022 - U.K. Scientists Unearth 180-Million-Year-Old ‘Sea Dragon’ Fossil

1/19/2022 - The Onion’s Guide To Wordle

1/19/2022 - Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

1/19/2022 - Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Operation By Male Surgeon

1/19/2022 - Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit

1/19/2022 - Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

1/19/2022 - Intubated Man Informed That His Free Covid Tests Have Arrived

1/19/2022 - Incompetent Film Director Totally Obscures Face Of Person Committing Murder

1/19/2022 - Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building

1/19/2022 - FDA Drops Regulations On French Dressing

1/19/2022 - ‘They’ll Know What I Mean,’ Says Man Putting ‘Goofball’ In Tinder Profile After Forgetting Word For Psychopath

1/18/2022 - Tennis Star Novak Djokovic Deported From Australia After Losing Visa Battle

1/18/2022 - Transplant Surgeon Loses Medical License For Branding Initials On Patients’ Livers

1/18/2022 - Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19

1/18/2022 - Los Angeles Residents Giddy After Learning Big Hollywood Movie Being Shot In Their Town

1/18/2022 - Single Woman Wonders How Long She’d Be Dead In Apartment Before Anyone Bothered To Come By And Eat Her Face

1/18/2022 - Neglected Dog Always Wearing Same Clothes

1/18/2022 - Catholic Church Quietly Transfers Disgraced Priest To Different Child

1/17/2022 - Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013

1/17/2022 - Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot

1/17/2022 - Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden

1/17/2022 - Sign On Gate Specifically States Park Closes When Last White Visitor Leaves

1/17/2022 - ISS Astronaut Opens Up Port Wearing Boxers, Slippers To Receive New Cargo Delivery

1/17/2022 - Grandmother Claims She Was Quite The Cum Dumpster Back In The Day

1/17/2022 - Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse

1/14/2022 - Queen Strips Prince Andrew Of Royal And Military Titles Amid Sexual Assault Lawsuit

1/14/2022 - PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early

1/14/2022 - The Onion’s Guide To Web3

1/14/2022 - Wayfair Shopper Who Didn’t Read Dimensions Would Never Have Bought Sofa If She Knew It Was 300 Feet Tall

1/14/2022 - New Hanes Shapewear Compresses Woman Into Flattering Trapezoid

1/14/2022 - Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them

1/14/2022 - ‘I Don’t Love You Anymore And I’m Taking The Kids’ Talk Goes Surprisingly Well

1/14/2022 - Hospital Unveils New Delivery Taprooms For Bonding With Newborn Over Couple Beers

1/14/2022 - Grateful Pigeons In Park Finally Return Favor By Feeding Whole Loaf Of Bread To Lonely Old Man

1/14/2022 - ‘Hero Rat’ Who Detected Landmines In Cambodia Dies In Retirement

1/13/2022 - Insurance To Cover Costs Of At-Home Covid Tests Starting Saturday

1/13/2022 - LAPD Cautions Residents To Look Out For Dozens Of Bullets Officers Sent Ricocheting Around City

1/13/2022 - LA Fitness Mandates All Members Entering Gyms Must Be Fully Vaccinated Or Tougher And Faster Than Guy Checking Cards

1/13/2022 - CDC Announces Plan To Send Every U.S. Household Pamphlet On Probabilistic Thinking

1/13/2022 - Eric Adams Appoints Deputy Patsy For All Future Corruption Probes

1/13/2022 - The Onion’s 1-Second Workout

1/13/2022 - Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

1/13/2022 - Social Media Mistakes That Could Definitely Cost You Your Job

1/13/2022 - Newly Uncovered Manuscript Reveals China Invented English Language 700 Years Before Western World

1/13/2022 - 5 New Types Of Rope We Hope To See In 2022 And 5 We Hope To Not See

1/13/2022 - Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household

1/13/2022 - L.A. Police Officers Fired For Playing Pokémon GO During Active Robbery

1/12/2022 - Poet Maya Angelou Becomes First Black Woman To Be Featured On U.S. Quarter

1/12/2022 - Things Never To Say To Someone With A Breakthrough Case Of Covid

1/12/2022 - Shitty Music Has Helped Moron Through Hardest Times In His Pointless Life

1/12/2022 - Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp

1/12/2022 - Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth

1/12/2022 - Sobering Effects

1/12/2022 - Guy At Grocery Store Annoyed People Keep Assuming He Works There Just Because He 2-Dimensional Man On Tortellini Packaging

1/12/2022 - Dolphins Have Fully Functioning Clitoris, Study Finds

1/12/2022 - Dying Dad Wondering If You Hit Traffic On Way To Hospital

1/12/2022 - Bank Hostages Whining As If They Not Getting Whole Day Off Work

1/11/2022 - Robert Durst, Real Estate Heir Convicted Of Murder, Dies

1/11/2022 - Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine

1/11/2022 - Pig Dies Waiting For Transplant Heart Given To Human

1/11/2022 - Gates Foundation Sues Thousands Of Charities For Infringing On Trademark Concept Of Philanthropy

1/11/2022 - Worst Things To Tell Someone Who’s Retiring

1/11/2022 - Cemetery Staff Assures Family Grandpa Buried Around Here Somewhere

1/11/2022 - Cat Horrified By Brief Glimpse Of Man’s Unbarbed Penis

1/11/2022 - San Francisco Skyscraper Tilting 3 Inches Per Year

1/11/2022 - Journalist Worried He’s Becoming The Story In His Sponsored Air Purifier Review

1/11/2022 - Man Horrified After Genealogy Test Confirms He Has No Past

1/10/2022 - Report: Majority Of Men In Hard Hat, Coveralls Actually Members Of Heist Team In Disguise

1/10/2022 - Covid Vaccinations Quadruple In Quebec Ahead Of Liquor, Cannabis Store Restrictions

1/10/2022 - Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting A New Fad Diet

1/10/2022 - Chess App Allows Man To Waste Time On Phone But In Smart Way

1/10/2022 - Man Tries To Regain Sense Of Control In Chaotic Universe By Learning To Juggle

1/10/2022 - Walgreens Pharmacist Far Too Chipper Not To Be Selling Painkillers On The Side

1/10/2022 - Toddler Riding In Bike Trailer Like Mysterious Aristocrat Arriving For Week-Long Sojourn From London

1/7/2022 - Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio

1/7/2022 - Pope Chides ‘Selfish’ Couples Who Choose Pets Over Children

1/7/2022 - Look At This Chart. What If It Means Something Bad?

1/7/2022 - New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Display Novelty Welcome Mat Explaining Nature Of Crime

1/7/2022 - Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time

1/7/2022 - Coming To Terms With Being Stuck On A Treadmill That Keeps Getting Faster And Faster

1/7/2022 - Man Gives Himself Little Treat For Getting Through Day

1/6/2022 - Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class

1/6/2022 - CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination

1/6/2022 - 2022 Grammy Awards Postponed

1/6/2022 - Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

1/6/2022 - Must-Read Reflections On The January 6 Capitol Riot

1/6/2022 - Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours

1/6/2022 - Hair, There, and Everywhere

1/6/2022 - Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root

1/6/2022 - ‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White

1/6/2022 - U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

1/6/2022 - Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip

1/5/2022 - NHL Staffer Cancer-Free After Fan Spots Dangerous Mole On Neck

1/5/2022 - J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature

1/5/2022 - Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns

1/5/2022 - Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich

1/5/2022 - Elizabeth Holmes Found Guilty On 4 Counts of Fraud

1/5/2022 - Things That Soldier Has Seen Will Haunt Him For Rest Of Afternoon

1/5/2022 - Zoo Visitors Impressed By Number Of Animals Willing To Eat Change

1/4/2022 - FDA Approves First Injectable HIV Prevention Drug

1/4/2022 - ‘Trevor’ Tops List Of 2021’s Most Popular Bridge Names

1/4/2022 - Republican Party To Pay $1.6 Million Of Trump’s Legal Bills

1/4/2022 - Stranded Driver Kicking Self For Eating Entire Hitchhiker Before Getting Stuck In Snowstorm

1/4/2022 - Rabbit Who Got Caught By Hawk Honestly Relieved It Can Finally Relax Now

1/4/2022 - Excuses To Get Out Of Work That Bosses See Right Through

1/4/2022 - City Announces Construction Of 20 New Miles Of Secret Underground Tunnels For Vloggers To Explore

1/3/2022 - Scientists Say One Day Dropping Your Phone In The Toilet Could Also Recharge It

1/3/2022 - Paleontologists Discover Fossil Evidence Of Career-Oriented Dinosaur Who Froze Eggs

1/3/2022 - Study: Vaping Doubles Risk Of Erectile Dysfunction

1/3/2022 - Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time

1/3/2022 - New Year’s Resolutions

1/3/2022 - Hanes Introduces Second Bra To Support Shapely Rolls Formed By Regular Bra

1/3/2022 - BREAKING: The Tower…The Chariot Reversed…And Death…