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2022 March
3/31/2022 - NASA Reports Receiving Constant Radio Transmissions From Annoying, Desperate Alien
3/31/2022 - Republican Retracts False Claims Schools Providing Litter Boxes For Furries
3/31/2022 - Brittney Griner’s Plea For Help Relegated To ESPN2
3/31/2022 - ‘Elden Ring’: The Official OGN Guide (And How We Beat The Game In Under 30 Minutes)
3/31/2022 - Ukrainian Delegate Knows It Dangerous To Eat At Peace Talks, But Brownie Just Too Tempting
3/31/2022 - Report: Incredible Thrill Of Shooting White Rhino And Watching It Die In Danger Of Extinction
3/31/2022 - U.S. Doomsday Bunker Company Sees Sales Spike 1,000%
3/31/2022 - Underfunded School Forced To Use Out-Of-Date History Books As Lunches
3/31/2022 - Dad Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy
3/31/2022 - Popular New TikTok Influencer Just Teaches Teens To Tie Nooses
3/31/2022 - Kristen Bell: She’s Just Like You! She’s Going Through Your Trash! She's Obsessed With You! She's Going To Kill You And Replace You!
3/30/2022 - Diners Forced To Quarantine In Hotpot Restaurant
3/30/2022 - Man Really Only Joined Angry Mob To Show Off Fancy New Torch
3/30/2022 - Trump’s Missing Jan. 6 Phone Logs
3/30/2022 - Archaeologists Discover More Old Shit That Sucks
3/30/2022 - Ginni Thomas And History’s Most Controversial Political Spouses
3/30/2022 - History’s Greatest ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ Player Tragically Born Decades Too Late
3/30/2022 - Terminal Cancer Wasted On Man Who Was Already Living In The Moment
3/30/2022 - ‘This City. These People. All Sheep, And I Am Their Shepherd,’ Says Eric Adams, Looking Out Over New York
3/30/2022 - Taylor Swift To Receive Honorary Doctorate From NYU
3/30/2022 - Baby Sea Turtle Crawling Towards Ocean Makes Detour To Hit On Sexy Lady
3/30/2022 - Pounding The Gavel
3/29/2022 - Venice Hotel Guests Issued Water Guns To Shoot Gulls
3/29/2022 - Silicon Valley CEO Explains How The Future Of Tech Is Him Being Fabulously Wealthy And Having A Blast
3/29/2022 - Academy Condemns Will Smith For Most Violent Incident Since Frances McDormand Gunned Down 43 At 1997 Oscars
3/29/2022 - Starving Yemeni Civilians Thank Media For Privacy During Difficult Time
3/29/2022 - Restaurant Workers Explain Why They Quit During The Pandemic
3/29/2022 - Sobriety Completely Changes Way Man Gains Weight
3/29/2022 - Woman Quickly Smashes Plate Over Head So She’ll Have Something To Talk About At Therapy
3/29/2022 - Donation To Charity Flagged As Suspicious Activity
3/29/2022 - McDonald’s Launches $99 Ripoff Menu
3/29/2022 - School’s Active Shooter Drill Includes Part Where Security Guard Practices Fleeing In Terror
3/29/2022 - Microplastics Found In Human Blood For First Time
3/28/2022 - Putin: J.K. Rowling And Russia Victims Of Western ‘Cancel Culture’
3/28/2022 - Lies Russian State Media Is Telling About The War
3/28/2022 - What Makes Anna So Beautiful In The Moonlight?
3/28/2022 - Man Pretty Sure Other Person In Laundry Room Has Been Next-Door Neighbor For 12 Years
3/28/2022 - Uber Will List All NYC Taxis In App
3/28/2022 - Wealthy Couple Founds Art Museum To Foster Public Appreciation For How Wealthy They Are
3/28/2022 - Kamala Harris Freezes After Seeing Vice President Position Posted On White House Careers Page
3/28/2022 - Newly Single Man Adds ‘For One’ After Every Item On Sad Little Grocery List
3/28/2022 - SAT Rebuts Claim That Test Classist Due To Wine Tasting Portion
3/25/2022 - Goldman Sachs CEO To DJ At Lollapalooza
3/25/2022 - Ginni Thomas Dismisses Text Messages To Mark Meadows As Regular, Run-Of-The-Mill Infidelity
3/25/2022 - Total Genius Wears Tear-Off Pants At Urinal
3/25/2022 - Smithsonian Devotes New Exhibit To First African American To Use Whites-Only Glory Hole
3/25/2022 - HBO Executives Hoping George R.R. Martin Finishes Final ‘Euphoria’ Book Before Next Season
3/25/2022 - Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine
3/25/2022 - Biden Cuts NATO Summit Short To Squeeze In Chocolate Tour Of Brussels
3/25/2022 - Planned Parenthood Unveils New Heat-Seeking Abortion Drone
3/25/2022 - Kid Rock Claims Trump Sought His Advice On North Korea, Islamic State
3/25/2022 - ‘It’s Been A Long Time Since I’ve Done This So I Need To Take It Slow,’ Says Woman On Date Attempting To Smile
3/24/2022 - Lindsey Graham Bursts Into Confirmation Hearing With Rifle, Demands Senators Free The Children Now
3/24/2022 - ‘The Bachelor’ Turns 20
3/24/2022 - BREAKING: Former Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice, 67, Will Die
3/24/2022 - Workers Repairing Notre Dame Discover Ancient Tombs
3/24/2022 - The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Spring-Cleaning Products
3/24/2022 - U.S. Announces It Will Allow Ukrainian Refugees After Deporting 100,000 Central Americans Seeking Asylum
3/24/2022 - Crowd Cheers After Stripper Bursts Out Of Birthday Boy
3/24/2022 - Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads
3/24/2022 - ‘Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists’ Demands $10 Trillion Or It Will Destroy Earth By Setting Clock To Midnight
3/24/2022 - Dick Cheney Figures Enough Time Has Passed To Go Into Favorite Iraqi Restaurant Again
3/24/2022 - Fact-Checkers Verify Information Involving The War In Ukraine…Unless…They Can’t Be Trusted Either…No One Can
3/24/2022 - Match Launches Dating App For Single Parents
3/24/2022 - Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas
3/24/2022 - Please Like Me
3/23/2022 - U.S. Declares Myanmar Committed Genocide Against Rohingya
3/23/2022 - Disney Opens New Immersive ‘Star Wars’-Themed Gay Conversion Camp
3/23/2022 - Instagram Assures Parents They’ve Hired Dozens Of Pedophiles To Find Vulnerabilities In App
3/23/2022 - Increasingly Worried Man Hasn’t Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito
3/23/2022 - Biggest Oscar Snubs 2022
3/23/2022 - What To Say If Your Kid Catches You Doing Drugs
3/23/2022 - Uglier Person In Couple Thinking This The One
3/23/2022 - Stone-Faced TikTok User Watching Procession Of Dancing Teenagers Like Medieval King
3/23/2022 - Whimsical NASA Launches Single Balloon Into Outer Space
3/23/2022 - Troubling Study Links Childhood Obesity With Increased Risk Of Adult Anime Consumption
3/23/2022 - New Apple Privacy Feature Allows iPhone Users To Silence All Calls From People Who Love Them
3/23/2022 - David Beckham Hands Over Instagram Account To Ukrainian Doctor
3/22/2022 - Clarence Thomas Hospitalized With Flu-Like Symptoms
3/22/2022 - Senate Republicans Attack Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Lack Of Experience On U.S. Supreme Court
3/22/2022 - Josh Hawley Slams Ketanji Brown Jackson For Letting Pedophiles Like Himself Walk Free
3/22/2022 - Speech That Will Get You Arrested In Russia
3/22/2022 - Man Wishes He Knew Enough About Cars To Tell If Repair Really Costs One Blow Job
3/22/2022 - Report: Every Employee In Company PR Photo Laid Off Months Ago
3/22/2022 - TurboTax Threatens To Tell IRS Customer Cheated On Taxes Unless They Upgrade To Deluxe Version
3/22/2022 - Tokyo Schools Drop Dress Code Rules Regulating Hair And Underwear Color
3/22/2022 - Woman Orders Jeans One Size Up For When She Wants Extra Comfy Feel Of Wearing Clothes That Fit
3/21/2022 - Chicago Police Department Lowers Hiring Standards Amid Staffing Shortages
3/21/2022 - Exterminator Shows Off Trophy Room Filled With Mounted Heads Of Insects
3/21/2022 - Executive On Deathbed Requests Obituary Be Optimized For SEO
3/21/2022 - Astronomers Announce Moon Will Be Visible Tonight For First Time In 12 Hours
3/21/2022 - Kamala Harris Enrolls In 6-Week Coding Boot Camp
3/21/2022 - Therapist Gives Slight Wince Of Recognition After Hearing Which Friend Recommended Her To New Patient
3/21/2022 - Chew Kraine
3/21/2022 - Building Code Violation Fines Leave Landlord With No Choice But To Raise Rent
3/21/2022 - The Onion’s Guide To The Oscars: Best Picture
3/21/2022 - Guinness World Records Rules Giant New Zealand Potato Not Actually Potato
3/21/2022 - Dog Has Visible Erection In Shelter Photo
3/18/2022 - WNBA Star’s Detention In Russia Extended Until May
3/18/2022 - In Defense Of Mass Censorship
3/18/2022 - Secret Door In Apartment Leads To Weird Hidden Room!?
3/18/2022 - Timeline Of Putin’s Rise To Power
3/18/2022 - KitchenAid Unveils New 3-Piece Stainless Steel Dildo Attachment For Stand Mixer
3/18/2022 - Pete Davidson To Join Next Blue Origin Space Flight
3/18/2022 - Benefits Of Making Daylight-Saving Time Permanent
3/18/2022 - Oscar Mayer Introduces New Filter-Tip Hot Dogs For Healthier Meat-Eating Experience
3/18/2022 - Report: Secretly Watching March Madness During Work Way Less Fun Working Remotely
3/18/2022 - Dog Could At Least Try To Act Like It Cared About Ukraine
3/17/2022 - Easy 3 Ingredients
3/17/2022 - U.S. Senate Approves Bill To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent
3/17/2022 - Americans Celebrate 4th Consecutive Victory Over Covid
3/17/2022 - What To Say If You Want To Dump Your Therapist
3/17/2022 - Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan
3/17/2022 - The Onion Fact-Checks Claims About The Ukraine Conflict
3/17/2022 - George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long
3/17/2022 - ‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bitten
3/17/2022 - National Air And Space Museum Acquires Rock Local Teen Threw Really, Really High One Time
3/17/2022 - Watchdog Warns Nearly Every Food Brand In U.S. Owned By Handful Of Companies, Which In Turn Are Controlled By Newman’s Own
3/17/2022 - Dangerous Conspiracy Theories On The Rise: Is This Shadowy Cabal Of Child-Eating Satanists To Blame?
3/17/2022 - Asteroid Impacts Earth 2 Hours After Being Discovered
3/16/2022 - Elon Musk Challenges Vladimir Putin To ‘Single Combat’ For Ukraine
3/16/2022 - Taxidermist Returns Finished Bob Dole To Display In Capitol Rotunda
3/16/2022 - Potential Outcomes For Russia’s Invasion Of Ukraine
3/16/2022 - Airbnb Tests New Feature That Allows Black Guests
3/16/2022 - Worst Things You Can Say To A Bartender On St. Patrick’s Day
3/16/2022 - Body Language Expert Can Tell With 90% Accuracy If Person Sitting
3/16/2022 - Refugee Probably Only Got Accepted To Country Because His Dad Was A Refugee
3/16/2022 - Coleslaw Portion So Generous Man Feels Like He’s Getting Away With Robbery
3/16/2022 - Squatters Occupy London Mansion Owned By Russian Oligarch
3/16/2022 - White Guy Good Enough Rap Producer That He Allowed To Dress Like That
3/15/2022 - Tom Brady Cancels Retirement After 2 Months
3/15/2022 - Supreme Court Justices Sheepishly Admit All Of Their Spouses Attended Jan. 6 Riot
3/15/2022 - AARP Offers Honorary Membership To Young People Whose Lives Are Essentially Over
3/15/2022 - Oil Companies Lament Rising Price Of Joe Manchin
3/15/2022 - Kamala Harris Nudges Stack Of Papers Off Desk To Distract Aide Before Twisting Office Clock To 5 P.M.
3/15/2022 - Lies All Landlords Use To Try And Raise Your Rent
3/15/2022 - Professor Not Buying Student’s Bullshit About Having To Play In NCAA Tournament
3/15/2022 - Gun-Wielding Carjacker Demands Driver Exit Vehicle And Stop Writing Down Badge Number
3/15/2022 - Report Finds Average U.S. High Schooler Writes Manifesto At 2nd-Grade Level
3/15/2022 - Goldendoodle Not Good With People Who Earn Less Than 6 Figures
3/15/2022 - Hidden Valley Unveils 2-Carat Lab-Grown Diamond Made From Ranch Seasoning
3/14/2022 - Facebook To Permit Posts Calling For Violence Against Russia, Death Of Putin
3/14/2022 - Investigators Identify Infamous ‘Ted Bundy’ Serial Killer
3/14/2022 - Tax Loopholes The IRS Doesn’t Want You To Know About
3/14/2022 - The Boys In The Ban
3/14/2022 - Metallica Threatens To Pull Music From Spotify Unless Company Increases Executive Salaries
3/14/2022 - Inmate’s Last Words Hurt Warden’s Feelings
3/14/2022 - Scientists Report Blue Jays Mate For Life But That’s Like, What, 7 Years, So Who Gives A Shit
3/14/2022 - Deepak Chopra Explains That Divinity Can Be Found Even Within The Random Bullshit He Makes Up
3/14/2022 - U.S. Man Caught Smuggling 52 Lizards And Snakes At Mexico Border
3/14/2022 - Twitter User Shares Same Photo Of Dead Body In Rubble For Every International Conflict
3/11/2022 - Study: Even Mild Covid Linked To Brain Shrinkage, Cognitive Decline
3/11/2022 - Most Popular Local Dish In Every State
3/11/2022 - Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence
3/11/2022 - Drunkenly Wearing Lampshade On Head Less Fun When Alone
3/11/2022 - Giant Parachuting Spiders Expected To Blanket East Coast
3/11/2022 - Desperate Olympic Committee Attempts To Increase Viewership By Adding Skinny-Dipping To 2024 Games
3/11/2022 - Mother Of Bride Going Hog-Wild With Short Blessing She Allowed To Give During Secular Wedding
3/11/2022 - Carnival Cruise Lines Turns 50
3/11/2022 - Dominos Introduces New Shambling Mound Of Pepperoni
3/10/2022 - Actresses Up For Madonna Biopic Must Do ‘Grueling’ Boot Camp
3/10/2022 - WARNING: THIS PLATFORM IS FOR CHILDREN AND YOU ARE WAY TOO OLD TO BE HERE
3/10/2022 - U.S. Condemns Russian Bombing Of Hospital As Horrific Act That Any World Power Could Theoretically Commit
3/10/2022 - Companies That Have Stopped Operating In Russia Over The Ukraine Invasion
3/10/2022 - Fuddruckers Pursues Market Opportunity By Opening 1,000 Locations In Russia
3/10/2022 - Texas Bans Consensual Sex
3/10/2022 - The Onion’s Spring 2022 TV Preview
3/10/2022 - Now Dawns The Age Of Unceasing Ruin, A Great Rending Of Flesh And Sundering Of Bone To Grease The Insatiate Engine Of Calamity: What It Means For Your Portfolio
3/10/2022 - Starbucks Fights Unionization Effort By Hiring Pinkertons To Order Exhausting, Hyper-Specific Drinks
3/10/2022 - Volunteers Rush To Clean Up Glistening Hunks After Massive Baby Oil Spill
3/10/2022 - Governor Signs Legislation Making College Tuition-Free
3/10/2022 - Consumer Protection Bureau Fines Curio Shop That Disappeared Hours After Unloading Haunted Talisman
3/9/2022 - McDonald’s, Starbucks Leaving Russia
3/9/2022 - New IRS Campaign Fucking Dares You To Take Deduction For Home Office
3/9/2022 - Desperate Americans Violently Fight Over Oil-Covered Bird
3/9/2022 - Heroic Bystander Talks Knife-Wielding Man Down To Fistfight
3/9/2022 - How The Russian Invasion Of Ukraine Will Impact The Global Economy
3/9/2022 - Florida Researchers Building Machine To Test Future Of Mega Hurricanes
3/9/2022 - ‘And Here’s Oatmeal, Our Grand Marshal,’ Thinks Woman Watching Groceries Parade Down Checkout Conveyor Belt
3/9/2022 - FDA Warns Americans To Take That Out Of Their Mouth This Instant
3/9/2022 - Company Celebrates Employee’s 40 Steadfast Years Of Being Unable To Retire
3/8/2022 - Gas Prices In U.S. Hit Record High At $4.17 Per Gallon
3/8/2022 - ‘The Onion’ Promises Russian Oil Will Remain Available In ‘The Onion’ Store
3/8/2022 - Worst Social Media Mistakes You Can Make While Posting About War
3/8/2022 - Breaking: All Of World’s Problems Solved Overnight While You Were Sleeping
3/8/2022 - Second Weather App Checked In Hopes Of Receiving More Favorable Forecast
3/8/2022 - Kamala Harris Spends Day Putting Together Keynote Presentation Of Reasons She Deserves Raise
3/8/2022 - Pope Francis Urges World To Respect Every Person’s Beliefs About Pizza Toppings
3/8/2022 - Friend Maybe Bit Too Available After Having Baby
3/8/2022 - Netflix’s ‘The Crown’, ‘Lupin’ Sets Robbed Of $500K In Props, Equipment
3/7/2022 - Kanye West Video Depicts Him Killing Pete Davidson
3/7/2022 - This Drink Makes You Happy And Fun, How Has Nobody Ever Told Us About Alcohol?
3/7/2022 - Job Creationist Believes There Only One True CEO Who Made All Jobs From On High
3/7/2022 - Things To Never Say To A Child About Nuclear War
3/7/2022 - Quality Time With Son Mostly Spent Convincing Him Not To Tell Mom About Affair
3/7/2022 - Biden Provides Nuclear Codes To Scammer Pretending To Be Pentagon
3/7/2022 - Fitbit Recalls Over One Million Ionic Smartwatches Over Burn Injury Risk
3/7/2022 - Wimpy Little Pistol That Angry Teen Brought To School Just Makes Bullying Worse
3/7/2022 - Small Town Teen Dreams Of Someday Becoming Memorial Highway
3/7/2022 - Judd Apatow Criticized For Nepotism After Casting Own Sperm To Star In New Movie
3/7/2022 - Game Of Phones
3/4/2022 - Creepy Old Man Has Book Filled With The Home Phone Numbers Of Everyone In Town
3/4/2022 - Jan. 6 Committee: Evidence Trump Engaged In ‘Criminal Conspiracy’
3/4/2022 - Most Controversial Episodes Of HBO’s ‘Euphoria’
3/4/2022 - Colin Farrell Reveals Penguin Transformation Was Achieved By Removing Prosthetics
3/4/2022 - Historians Trace Catholic Practice Of Eating Fish On Fridays Back To Third-Century Long John Silver’s Promotion
3/4/2022 - What To Know About Ketanji Brown Jackson
3/4/2022 - Fluorescent Light Therapy Box Helps Remote Workers Experience Draining Effects Of Office
3/4/2022 - Homeless Matt Damon Forced To Sell Kidney After Losing Everything In Crypto Pump And Dump Scheme
3/4/2022 - ‘If Men Got Them, It’s All We Would Hear About,’ Says Woman About Bob Haircuts
3/4/2022 - Montana Governor Kills Mountain Lion Being Monitored By National Parks Staff
3/4/2022 - Heartwarming!
Shining Vale on Starz
Brought This Woman Closer to Her Possessed Teenage Daughter
3/3/2022 - Trucker Convoy Protest In D.C. Seen As Flop After No One Shows Up
3/3/2022 - Latest Climate Change Report Just Heartfelt Farewell Letter Telling Humanity To Remember The Good Times
3/3/2022 - TV Shows Based On Real Events That Were Made Way Too Soon
3/3/2022 - U.S. Seizes New York City Borough Belonging To Russian Oligarch
3/3/2022 - Must-Read Reflections On The Situation In Ukraine
3/3/2022 - Woman Promises Free Beer, Pizza For Any Friends Who Help Her Move Body Out Of Apartment
3/3/2022 - Drano Introduces New Shampoo For Eliminating Drain-Clogging Hair At Source
3/3/2022 - Scallops And Tractors: Together At Last!
3/3/2022 - Ukrainian Sailor Attempts To Sink Russian Oligarch’s Superyacht
3/2/2022 - K-Y Introduces Personal Mouth Lubricant For Extra Sloppy Kisses
3/2/2022 - Biggest Things Catholics Give Up For Lent
3/2/2022 - Pope Grants New Fathers Working At Vatican 3-Day Paternity Leave
3/2/2022 - ‘Babe, I Didn’t Even Know You Liked That Stuff,’ Says Man Returning From Romantic Four-Course Meal For Two
3/2/2022 - Actors Describe What It’s Really Like Shooting Famous Sex Scenes
3/2/2022 - U.S. Governors Order State-Run Liquor Stores To Stop Selling Russian Vodka
3/2/2022 - Crows Evolve New Blond Look Concluding 17-Million-Year Goth Phase
3/2/2022 - Report: You Have Earned Enough OnionBucks To Purchase Virtual Gloves
3/2/2022 - Thousands Of Police Officers March Through Streets To Mourn Cop Who Was Shot While Scratching Ear With Gun
3/2/2022 - Magnanimous Benefactor Deigns To Bestow Coworkers Token Of His Largess If Anyone Wants Something From Starbucks
3/2/2022 - Boy Wonders
3/1/2022 - Biden Begs Nation To Leave A Tired Old Man Alone
3/1/2022 - ‘We Are Turning The Corner On The Coronavirus,’ Says Biden As Giant Looming Covid-19 Particle Touches Down On D.C.
3/1/2022 - Biden Touts Incredible State Of Union When Compared To What’s Going On In Ukraine
3/1/2022 - Iowa Governor Delivers State Of The Union Response In Form Of Casserole
3/1/2022 - Aides Assure Biden That Putin Not Going To Appear Mid-Speech In Plume Of Smoke
3/1/2022 - Pfizer Granted Emergency Use For Pill That Kills You Before Covid Can
3/1/2022 - Biden’s First State Of The Union: What To Expect
3/1/2022 - Switzerland Sanctions Russia, Breaking Neutral Status
3/1/2022 - Terrified Pedestrian Narrowly Escapes Tesla By Jumping Across Rooftops, Hiding In Stairwell
3/1/2022 - Grandma Eyes Accessibility Ramp With Intensity Of Daredevil About To Jump Grand Canyon
3/1/2022 - 16-Year-Old Beats Chess World Champion Magnus Carlsen In Online Tournament
3/1/2022 - Teen Wondering Whether Boyfriend Even Loves Her If He Unwilling To Exploit Relationship For TikTok
3/1/2022 - Man Would Honestly Rather Keep Having Panic Attack Than Do Some Stupid Little Counting Bullshit
3/1/2022 - Things To Avoid Saying When Confronting A Bully