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2022 May
5/31/2022 - Statue Reacts To Video Of Statue
5/31/2022 - CEO Pay Rose 17% Last Year
5/31/2022 - Gun Laws In Every State
5/31/2022 - Point/Counterpoint: A Self-Driving Tesla Ran Over My Son vs. Elon Musk Is Revolutionizing The Way We Kill People
5/31/2022 - Company Touts Hire Of 3 Black Women Who Will Stand Next To CEO
5/31/2022 - Customer Not Going To Complain In Case He Accidentally Did Order Sandwich With Band-Aid In It
5/31/2022 - Extremely Low Note Causes Shattered Wine Glass To Re-Form
5/31/2022 - Eric Adams Announces $4 Billion Budget Increase For NYPD To Fight Ghosts
5/31/2022 - Man Wastes Another Gorgeous Day Being Dead
5/31/2022 - Enron Reopens
5/30/2022 - Dr. Oz Sells Garcinia Cambogia Supplement Guaranteed To Lower Taxes
5/30/2022 - Report: Only 12% Of Americans Have Met Person They’re Cloned From
5/30/2022 - Celebrities Explain How They Are Supporting Abortion Rights
5/30/2022 - Scientists Discover Ancient Forest Inside Giant Sinkhole In China
5/30/2022 - U.S. Navy Issues Thanks To Oceans For Their Assistance Winning WW2
5/30/2022 - Nation’s Short Bald Guys Announce Plans To Become Unnervingly Ripped
5/27/2022 - Senate Republicans Block Domestic Terrorism Prevention Bill
5/27/2022 - Psychology Fact: Did You Know?
5/27/2022 - Biggest Revelations From The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Trial
5/27/2022 - Vatican Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Soul Into Human
5/27/2022 - Desperate Judge Makes Lethal-Injection Drugs In Courthouse Toilet
5/27/2022 - The Pros And Cons Of Letting Children Die
5/27/2022 - Just For Men Introduces New Touch Of Gravy Beard Dye
5/27/2022 - Report: Your Child Currently Sitting In A School Right Now
5/27/2022 - Wayne LaPierre States Mass Shootings Can Be Perfectly Safe When Carried Out By A Trained, Responsible Gun Owner
5/27/2022 - NRA Convention Applauds As Gunman Massacres Entire Crowd
5/27/2022 - Woman Suspects Hidden Camera In Public Restroom After Noticing Boom Mic Operator In Corner
5/27/2022 - Tennessee To Make Public Camping For Homeless A Felony
5/26/2022 - ‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bit
5/26/2022 - Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation
5/26/2022 - Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman
5/26/2022 - Hyundai Recalls 239,000 Cars For Exploding Seat Belt Parts
5/26/2022 - Scientists Discover 90% Of Earth’s Atmosphere Made From Thoughts, Prayers
5/26/2022 - Things People Hate The Most About Public Transportation
5/26/2022 - Ben Affleck Unfairly Turns The Tables By Opening Up About Our Writers’ Sex Lives, Messy Divorces, And Ongoing Struggles With Substance Abuse
5/26/2022 - Must-Read Reflections On The Reproductive Rights Battle
5/26/2022 - Bad Time For Greg Abbott To Reveal New Machine Gun Legs
5/26/2022 - Sacrificial Altar Comfier Than Expected
5/26/2022 - Mitch McConnell: ‘Get Your Crying Done Now Because We’re Not Passing Shit’
5/26/2022 - U.S. Birth Rate Rises For First Time Since 2014
5/25/2022 - Walmart Pulls ‘Juneteenth’ Ice Cream After Backlash
5/25/2022 - Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures
5/25/2022 - Report: Uvalde Gunman Had Accomplices As Far As Washington, D.C.
5/25/2022 - IRS Splinter Group Demands Taxpayers Recognize August 15 As The True Tax Day
5/25/2022 - HR Department Rings Gong Every Time They Successfully Cover Up Sexual Harassment
5/25/2022 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
5/25/2022 - Biggest Misconceptions Men Have About Sexual Reproduction
5/25/2022 - Tips For Officiating A Wedding
5/25/2022 - New York Mobbed By Thousands Of Drunken Characters During Disney Cruise Line's Fleet Week
5/25/2022 - ‘Bon Appétit’ Test Kitchen Apologizes For Gruesome Experiments On Beans
5/25/2022 - Retired Couple To Live Permanently On Cruise Ships, Saying It’s Cheaper Than Mortgage
5/24/2022 - Religion Rocked By Another Molestation Whatever
5/24/2022 - GOP Senator Says Maternal Death Rate Isn’t As Bad If You Don’t Count Black Women
5/24/2022 - Man Stuck Holding Door For Whole Conga Line
5/24/2022 - Surprised Brian Kemp Assumed Pence Died On Jan. 6
5/24/2022 - Things To Never Say To Someone Who Can’t Breastfeed
5/24/2022 - Memorial Daze
5/24/2022 - Police Report Bystander Killed By Officer Had Long History Of Bystanding
5/24/2022 - Meta Bans Employees From Talking About Abortion
5/24/2022 - Nation’s Male Bus Strangers Announce Plans To Show Each Other Pictures Of Swimsuit Models On Their Phones
5/24/2022 - Report: Dad Won’t Admit He Feels Cute In New Hat
5/24/2022 - Affection For Restaurant Dialed Back Upon Realization It A Chain
5/23/2022 - First Cases Of Monkeypox Confirmed In U.S.
5/23/2022 - Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation, Pt. 3
5/23/2022 - Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person
5/23/2022 - Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A.
5/23/2022 - New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race
5/23/2022 - Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging
5/23/2022 - Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them
5/23/2022 - Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents
5/23/2022 - Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter
5/20/2022 - U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts
5/20/2022 - Weird Things Our Boyfriend Does When He’s Home Alone
5/20/2022 - Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break
5/20/2022 - NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring
5/20/2022 - Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind
5/20/2022 - Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married
5/20/2022 - Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian
5/20/2022 - Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts
5/20/2022 - Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances
5/20/2022 - Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career
5/20/2022 - Elderly Man Spends Afternoon Feeding Self To Ducks
5/19/2022 - Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary
5/19/2022 - Sex Fact: Did You Know?
5/19/2022 - Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel
5/19/2022 - Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election
5/19/2022 - Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout
5/19/2022 - KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home
5/19/2022 - Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table
5/19/2022 - Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns
5/19/2022 - Our Lover’s Tresses Blaze Radiant As The Sun: We Break Down Why Longing Turns Our Thoughts To Them Like The Dew-Kissed Lily Turns To Greet The Dawn
5/19/2022 - Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates
5/18/2022 - DeSantis Signs Bill Banning Protests Outside Private Homes
5/18/2022 - Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing
5/18/2022 - What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage
5/18/2022 - Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride
5/18/2022 - People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years
5/18/2022 - Febreze Introduces New Rotting Rat Carcass For Covering Up Tough Odors
5/18/2022 - Johnny Depp Loses All Support After Fans Realize They’ve Been Confusing Him For Orlando Bloom
5/18/2022 - Intrepid ‘Better Homes And Gardens’ Reporter Embeds Self Within Lawn Gnome Community
5/18/2022 - Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way
5/18/2022 - Judges Rule Calling Men ‘Bald’ Constitutes Sexual Harassment
5/17/2022 - Annoying Co-Worker Types So Loud
5/17/2022 - Earth Given 50-50 Chance Of Hitting Key Warming Threshold By 2026
5/17/2022 - Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades
5/17/2022 - Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures
5/17/2022 - L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood
5/17/2022 - Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air
5/17/2022 - Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes
5/17/2022 - Jeer Leader
5/17/2022 - ‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood
5/17/2022 - Scientists Grow Plant Seeds In Lunar Soil For First Time
5/17/2022 - D.C. Street Sweeper Lays On Horn At Saluting Pete Buttigieg Standing In Path
5/17/2022 - Things No One Tells You About Moving Back To Your Hometown
5/16/2022 - New York City Mayor Signs Law Requiring Job Postings To Include Minimum And Maximum Salary
5/16/2022 - Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation, Pt. 2
5/16/2022 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
5/16/2022 - CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools
5/16/2022 - Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries
5/16/2022 - Nation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The Time
5/16/2022 - Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House
5/16/2022 - Barber Sedates Nervous Man Before Haircut
5/16/2022 - Every Radio Station In Rural Area Playing Same Stupid Emergency Tornado Warning
5/16/2022 - James Cromwell Glues Hand To Starbucks Counter To Protest Surcharge For Plant-Based Milk
5/13/2022 - Biden Administration Capping Cost of Internet For Low-Income Americans
5/13/2022 - Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat
5/13/2022 - Unclear Where Old Man At Coffee Shop Got Little Thing Of Rice Pudding
5/13/2022 - Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill
5/13/2022 - What You Need To Know About Microplastics
5/13/2022 - How To Survive A Nuclear Attack
5/13/2022 - Passenger With No Flight Experience Lands Plane After Pilot Becomes Incapacitated
5/13/2022 - Biggest Reasons Why Americans Are Leaving Big Cities
5/13/2022 - Respectful Bear Waiting To Attack Tent Until Couple Inside Finishes Fight
5/13/2022 - Study Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head Loss
5/13/2022 - Plan B Unveils Emergency Team Of Brawny Men To Shake Down Impregnator For Abortion Money
5/13/2022 - Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research
5/12/2022 - Apple Discontinuing iPod After 21 Years
5/12/2022 - Tom Brady’s Announcing Deal Includes Incentives For Number Of Verbs Used
5/12/2022 - How To Make Strawberry Boba
5/12/2022 - Google Maps Adds Shortcuts Through Houses Of People Google Knows Aren’t Home Right Now
5/12/2022 - Study Finds Only 2% Of Americans Can Draw Cool Flames
5/12/2022 - Disrobing Austrian Man Asks World To Give Themselves Over To Pleasure
5/12/2022 - Three-Bean Salad Like You’ve Never Had It: Packed In A Suitcase And Sent Abroad
5/12/2022 - Surprising Benefits McDonald’s Workers Get In Denmark
5/12/2022 - 1,000-Year-Old Cave Carvings Of Mysterious Giant Humanoids Discovered In Alabama
5/11/2022 - Study: 93% Of Districts In Major U.S. Cities Unaffordable To Black Residents
5/11/2022 - The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorn
5/11/2022 - PetSmart Unveils New Waterboarding Kit For Teaching Cats To Stay Off Counters
5/11/2022 - Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes
5/11/2022 - Watch This Video To Reset Your Algorithm To 100% Lizards
5/11/2022 - ‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet
5/11/2022 - Study Finds Thanking Veterans For Their Service Immediately Triggers PTSD
5/11/2022 - Nationwide Baby Formula Shortage Worsening
5/11/2022 - ‘I’m From Michigan, Too,’ Says Man Hitting It Off With Locally Grown Lettuce
5/10/2022 - ‘New York Times’ Drops ‘Fetus’ As Wordle Solution
5/10/2022 - Missouri Welcomes Women Unable To Get Arrested For Abortion In Home State
5/10/2022 - Students Unknowingly Egg Teacher’s Home
5/10/2022 - Nation Demands That Everything Be Explained In One Image
5/10/2022 - Crown Royal Bag Turns Over New Leaf As First Grader’s Pencil Case
5/10/2022 - Man Charged With Murdering His Wife Wins Indiana GOP Primary
5/10/2022 - Bombshell Report Finds Democrats Conspiring With Bookie To Deliberately Throw Midterms
5/10/2022 - Study Finds Flying On Airplane Far Safer Than Flying In Car
5/10/2022 - Shell Announces Plans To Plant Single Tree For Every Irreversible Planetary Disaster It Causes
5/10/2022 - Dad Delivers Annual State Of The Lawn Address
5/10/2022 - Rideshare Drivers Describe Their Worst Experience With A Customer
5/9/2022 - Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation
5/9/2022 - Louisiana Lawmakers Advance Bill To Classify Abortion As Homicide
5/9/2022 - New HGTV Show Sends Couple To Old Houses To Call Them Disgusting
5/9/2022 - Pharmacists Warn Against Sharing Prescription Drugs With Someone Who Wouldn’t Do Same For You
5/9/2022 - Man Tries To Make Himself Look Big During Heart Attack
5/9/2022 - Louisiana Police Officer Plants Aborted Fetus On Black Suspect
5/9/2022 - Conservatives Explain What Free Speech Means To Them
5/9/2022 - Study Shows Mothers Who Outearn Husbands Also Do More Housework
5/9/2022 - Longtime Farmers Market Vendor Knows Enthusiasm For New Jam Guy Will Eventually Fade
5/9/2022 - Grieving Family Comes To Terms With Grandmother’s Death By Accepting That She Sucked
5/7/2022 - Draymond Green Passes Bill Laimbeer As All-Time NBA Leader In Nuts Tapped
5/7/2022 - Teacher Embarrassed After Student Recognizes Her Working At Second Job
5/7/2022 - Fascinated God Attends His First Shabbat Dinner
5/6/2022 - Satanic Temple Asks Boston To Fly Flag After Supreme Court Ruling
5/6/2022 - Study Finds Average Giant Swallows 8 Americans In Sleep Every Year
5/6/2022 - Period Tracking App Adds ‘Surrender To Authorities’ Feature
5/6/2022 - Greatest Moms In U.S. History
5/6/2022 - Fuddruckers Pursues Market Opportunity By Opening 1,000 Locations In Russia
5/6/2022 - Study: Greatest Indicator Of Stress Blowing Hair Off Face While Carrying Complicated Coffee Order For Boss Across Bustling City Streets
5/6/2022 - Potential Roe v. Wade Overturning: How Did We Get Here?
5/6/2022 - Graduation Audience Tears Up After Skeleton Shows Up To Accept Posthumous Degree
5/6/2022 - Diminished James Harden Not Flopping With Same Agility
5/6/2022 - New Dannon Blue Agave Yogurt Features Hallucinogenic Worm On Bottom
5/6/2022 - Who The Hell Are You? You’re Not Supposed To Be Back Here
5/6/2022 - TurboTax To Pay $141 Million Fine For Steering Customers Away From Free Services
5/5/2022 - Aliens Making First Contact Excitedly Ask To Meet Princess Di
5/5/2022 - Stanford University Receives $1.1 Billion For New Climate School
5/5/2022 - ‘What Is This For Again?’ Asks Madison Cawthorn Stripping Nude As Kevin McCarthy Holds Up Camcorder
5/5/2022 - Trigger Laws In 13 States To Automatically Detonate Abortion Clinics Moment Roe v. Wade Overturned
5/5/2022 - Woman Relieved To Hear Husband In Bed With Nude Stranger Can Explain Everything
5/5/2022 - The Onion's Mother's Day Gift Guide
5/5/2022 - A Week In The Life Of Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson
5/5/2022 - Couple’s Wedding Website Has 18-Plus Section Where Guests Can Read Story Of First Hookup
5/5/2022 - Study Finds Dogs’ Personalities Have Little To Do With Breed
5/5/2022 - Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom
5/4/2022 - Leaked Opinion Suggests Supreme Court Will Overturn ‘Roe V. Wade’
5/4/2022 - Mars Introduces New Crab-Stuffed M&M’s
5/4/2022 - Barry White Estate Shares Previously Unreleased Album From Era When Singer Was Confused Virgin Frightened By Sex
5/4/2022 - Airlines Announce It Safe To Fly Planes Indoors Again
5/4/2022 - 2022 Midterms: Primary Elections To Watch
5/4/2022 - Foil Blanket Draped Over Panting Coworker Who Just Took Stairs
5/4/2022 - Worst Things To Say To Someone With Road Rage
5/4/2022 - Poor Kid Really Good At Grocery Part Of ‘The Price Is Right’
5/4/2022 - Gynecologist Uses Speculum On Stubborn Pistachio Shell
5/3/2022 - Report: Some Tick Bites Causing Lifelong Red Meat Allergies
5/3/2022 - New Abortion Waiting Period Law Requires Women To Spend Night In Creepy Old House On Hill
5/3/2022 - ‘Guess That Makes Him Or Her Some Kind Of American Hero, Huh?’ Says Supreme Court Leaker Discussing News With Coworkers
5/3/2022 - Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution
5/3/2022 - Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court
5/3/2022 - Abbey In UK Seeking To Break World Record For Largest Vampire Gathering
5/3/2022 - What To Say To Someone Considering Abortion
5/3/2022 - All Tuckered Out
5/3/2022 - Court Delays Inmate’s Execution To Brainstorm Even Grislier Method
5/3/2022 - Man Opening Mailbox Again Knows He Still Won’t Find Anything To Eat In There
5/3/2022 - Highway Safety Ad Urges Drunk Drivers Not To Text
5/3/2022 - Parents Support Son’s Dream Of Becoming NASCAR Driver By Putting Up 2.5-Mile Motor Speedway In Backyard
5/3/2022 - Americans Bring ‘Souvenir’ Artillery Shell To Israel Airport
5/2/2022 - Modern Bathroom Sink Just Puddle On Granite Slab
5/2/2022 - Pelosi Makes Unannounced Trip To Kyiv To Meet With Zelensky
5/2/2022 - Wi-Fi Password On Post-It Note Read Aloud Like Incantation From Ancient Spell Book
5/2/2022 - Quiz: Is It Trash Or Recycling?
5/2/2022 - For Teacher Appreciation Week, Give Your Teacher A Pack Of Cigarettes!
5/2/2022 - Couple Unable To Watch Single Episode Of ‘Daniel Tiger’ Since Son Died
5/2/2022 - Study Shows Even Small Amounts Of Exercise Can Fight Depression
5/2/2022 - Paintball Course Triggers Combat Veteran’s Flashback To Afghanistan Paintball Course
5/2/2022 - Sibling Group Chat Used Solely For Expressing Concern About Mom