11/30/2022 - Eric Adams Resumes Placing Mentally Ill People Into Audience Of ‘The Tonight Show’ Against Their Will

11/30/2022 - New Tesla ‘Memories’ Feature Displays Pictures From Driver’s Life On Dashboard Before Car Explodes

11/30/2022 - Balenciaga Under Fire For BDSM Teddy Bear Campaign

11/30/2022 - The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Get In Shape And Stay In Shape

11/30/2022 - Most Viral TikTok Compilation

11/30/2022 - Trump Hosts Kanye West, White Nationalist Holocaust Denier At Mar-A-Lago

11/30/2022 - Christmas Ham Strapped To Roof Of Car

11/30/2022 - Mom Doing Full-Time, Unpaid PR For Some Disney+ Show About Whales

11/30/2022 - Lack Of Clean Laundry Forces Man To Wear T-Shirt He No Longer Agrees With

11/30/2022 - Man Afraid To Get Tattoo In Case He Feels Differently About His Children In 10 Years

11/30/2022 - God Releases New Peppermint-Flavored Chipmunks For The Holidays

11/30/2022 - Most Awesome Perks That Employees Who Work For Elon Musk Get

11/29/2022 - Hawaii’s Mauna Loa Erupts For First Time In 40 Years

11/29/2022 - Ms. New Booty Fact: Did You Know?

11/29/2022 - Little Bummer Boy

11/29/2022 - Most Popular Sex Toy In Every State

11/29/2022 - Bowl Of Soup Brings Man’s Lifetime Carrot Total To 11

11/29/2022 - Frontier Airlines Shuts Down Customer Service Phone Line

11/29/2022 - Poll Finds 82% Of Drunk Women Really Needed Night Like This

11/29/2022 - Couple Struggling To Get Pregnant Taking It As Sign That They Should Keep Trying Until Relationship Implodes

11/29/2022 - Nation’s Old Men Announce Plans To Wake Up At 5 A.M. And Argue With Other Old Men Around Table At McDonald’s

11/28/2022 - Cyber Monday Retailers Worried Americans Not Ready To Buy Goods Over World Wide Web

11/28/2022 - U.S. Black Friday Sales Surpass $9 Billion In New Record

11/28/2022 - Trump Disappointed After Holocaust Denier Tells Him Holocaust Never Happened

11/28/2022 - Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Cyber Monday

11/28/2022 - Man Hopes No One Can Tell He’s Bald Under Full Head Of Hair

11/28/2022 - Marvel Not Even Bothering To Replace Green Screens With CGI Anymore

11/28/2022 - FDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of Pregnancies

11/28/2022 - Study Finds Plants Communicate Using Underground Network Of Spies

11/28/2022 - Republican Lawmakers React To Anti-LGBTQ Violence

11/27/2022 - Week In Review: November 27, 2022

11/25/2022 - Target Now Offering Snipers To Take Out Other Shoppers For Black Friday

11/25/2022 - Campbell’s Introduces New Line Of Extra Hearty One-Chunk Soups

11/25/2022 - Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

11/25/2022 - Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64

11/25/2022 - Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

11/25/2022 - Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date

11/24/2022 - Thanksgiving 2022: What Are We Thankful For?

11/24/2022 - Little-Known Origins Of Your Favorite Thanksgiving Foods

11/24/2022 - Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

11/24/2022 - Classic Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Best To Worst

11/24/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

11/24/2022 - ‘Help! Fucking Help! There’s Blood And Feces Everywhere And The Doors Won’t Unlock!’ Our Tech Columnist Takes A Sneak-Peek Inside A Self-Driving Tesla

11/24/2022 - Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender

11/23/2022 - Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump’s Tax Returns

11/23/2022 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

11/23/2022 - What To Know About The 2022 World Cup

11/23/2022 - Thanksgiving Fact: Did You Know?

11/23/2022 - Bob Dylan’s Teenage Love Letters Sell For Over $650,000 At Auction

11/23/2022 - Family Switches To Artificial LED Turkey For Thanksgiving

11/23/2022 - Weapon Added To Each Thanksgiving Place Setting In Preparation For Blowout Family Argument

11/23/2022 - Biden Meets With Turkeys Who’ve Lost Loved Ones To Thanksgiving

11/23/2022 - Mom Urges Family Members Not To Fight Turkey Again This Year

11/23/2022 - Mom Thinks It’s Time 8-Year-Old Learned Santa Claus Isn’t Real Father

11/23/2022 - What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays

11/23/2022 - How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

11/22/2022 - Mariah Carey Loses ‘Queen Of Christmas’ Trademark Bid

11/22/2022 - Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point

11/22/2022 - Saudis Celebrate Shocking World Cup Win By Flipping Over A Woman, Setting Her On Fire

11/22/2022 - This Is An Unauthorized, Non-Paid Advertisement For Country Crock

11/22/2022 - The Onion Is Giving Away $8.3 Trillion In NFTs

11/22/2022 - Qatar Bans Beer Sales At World Cup Stadiums

11/22/2022 - Police Team-Building Scavenger Hunt Challenges Officers To Arrest Someone From Every Race

11/22/2022 - Rihanna Admits She Just Uses Whatever Makeup On Sale At Walgreens

11/22/2022 - Child Walks In On Parents Failing To Reignite Spark In Marriage

11/21/2022 - Elizabeth Holmes Sentenced To More Than 11 Years In Prison

11/21/2022 - Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees

11/21/2022 - Elon Musk Criticized For Firing So Many Employees Rather Than Spending Decades Grinding Them Down

11/21/2022 - Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

11/21/2022 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

11/21/2022 - British World Cup Attendees Accused Of Smuggling Alcohol Into Stadium Through Bloodstreams

11/21/2022 - Priest Never Sure How To Fill Awkward Silence After Last Rites Finished But Before Person Dies

11/21/2022 - Biggest Shortcomings Of Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars

11/21/2022 - New STEM Program Teaches Students Skills To Appease Whims Of Capricious Tech CEO

11/21/2022 - Toddler Demands Full Investigation Into Why That Man Has No Hair

11/21/2022 - Landlord Pledges To Address Tenant Infestation

11/21/2022 - Study: Sperm Counts Worldwide Have Plunged 62% In Under 50 Years

11/20/2022 - Qatar World Cup Games To Cut Off Human Sales After 75th Minute

11/20/2022 - Week In Review: November 20, 2022

11/19/2022 - So-Called Alabama Fan Buried Without Team Merch

11/18/2022 - Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House

11/18/2022 - Walgreens To Now Offer Baths

11/18/2022 - Injured Birthday Clown Taken Behind Bouncy House To Be Shot

11/18/2022 - The History Of Ex-Presidents Who Tried To Run Again

11/18/2022 - Neighborhood Gentrifies Right Through 6-Lane Highway

11/18/2022 - Neighborhood Gentrifies Right Through 6-Lane Highway

11/18/2022 - White Teacher In Texas Fired After Telling Students His Race ‘The Superior One’

11/18/2022 - Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan

11/18/2022 - Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse

11/17/2022 - Ticketmaster Opens New Workhouse Where Taylor Swift Fans Can Labor To Earn Their Eras Tickets

11/17/2022 - Things Gen Z Hates About Millennials

11/17/2022 - Trump Announces 2024 Presidential Bid

11/17/2022 - Artemis Rocket Carrying Mannequins To Determine Viability Of Department Stores On Moon

11/17/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks

11/17/2022 - When Hairy Met Sally

11/17/2022 - What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash

11/17/2022 - What Happened To The Midterms ‘Red Wave’?

11/17/2022 - Still Can’t Afford Your Own Sphere? Why Disks Could Be Your Ticket To Roundness On A Budget

11/17/2022 - Astronaut Stunned By How Fuckable Earth Looks From Space

11/17/2022 - Kamala Harris Picks Up Seasonal Job At Macy’s

11/17/2022 - Steve Jobs’ Old Birkenstocks Sell For $218,000 At Auction

11/17/2022 - Concerned Pediatrician Explains That Child Should’ve Been Radicalized Online By Now

11/17/2022 - Jewish Neighbors Make Small Talk About Controlling The Weather

11/16/2022 - World Population Reaches 8 Billion

11/16/2022 - Archaeologists Discover Ancient Femur That Could Make Mouthwatering Broth

11/16/2022 - Things To Never Post On Social Media If You’ve Had An Abortion

11/16/2022 - What To Know About The Collapse Of FTX

11/16/2022 - New Sponsored Google Maps Feature Directs Every Driver To Denny’s

11/16/2022 - MTA Officer Doesn’t Even Look Up From Phone To Shoot Unarmed Civilian

11/16/2022 - TSA Finds Gun Inside Raw Chicken

11/16/2022 - Viewers Slam HBO’s ‘Hard Knocks’ For Unnecessary Incest Scene

11/16/2022 - Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On ‘Fortnite’ Skins

11/16/2022 - New Golf Channel Show Just 30-Minute Praising Of Saudi Royals

11/15/2022 - Tiffany Trump Charged Full Venue Price For Mar-A-Lago Wedding

11/15/2022 - Annoying Bus Crash Momentarily Ruins 8 Billion Human Population Milestone

11/15/2022 - Dolly Parton Receives $100 Million From Jeff Bezos To Spend On Charity

11/15/2022 - Jay Leno Rushed To Hospital For Emergency Denim Grafts

11/15/2022 - ‘Holy Shit, This Past Week Has Been Really Hard On Him,’ Says Man Seeing Disheveled Sam Bankman-Fried Photo From 2021

11/15/2022 - Elon Musk Demands Twitter Servers Explain What All These Wires For

11/15/2022 - NASA Delays Artemis Launch After Rocket Gets Scared

11/15/2022 - God Criticized For Taking Credit For Universe From Black Creator

11/15/2022 - What Elon Musk Told Twitter Employees During His First Company Meeting

11/15/2022 - Fox News Host Warns Democrats Trying To Keep Women Single

11/15/2022 - Old-Fashioned Stalker Thinks Technology Makes Hunting Women Too Easy

11/15/2022 - Democrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood Elite

11/14/2022 - Democrats Retain Control Of Senate With Nevada Victory

11/14/2022 - Steven Spielberg Fondly Recalls How Jewish Upbringing Inspired ‘Jurassic Park’

11/14/2022 - Daily Affirmation: Your Heart Is A Magnet

11/14/2022 - Amazon Prime Acquires Broadcast Rights To NBA’s Showers

11/14/2022 - Republicans Explain Why Ron DeSantis Should Run For President

11/14/2022 - Ted Cruz Announces Plans To Once Again Like Porn On 9/11

11/14/2022 - Custody Agreement Designates Wednesdays For Child To Wander Around Entirely On Own

11/14/2022 - Arsonist Worried He Forgot To Turn Stove On Before Leaving House

11/14/2022 - Small Study Shows Money Can Buy Happiness For Households Earning Up To $123,000

11/13/2022 - Week In Review: November 13, 2022

11/11/2022 - The Onion Mourns The Passing Of Gallagher

11/11/2022 - The Onion’s Guide To Renewable Energy

11/11/2022 - Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer Grate

11/11/2022 - KFC Apologizes For Kristallnacht Chicken And Cheese Promotion

11/11/2022 - Crypto Confidence Soars After CEO Defrauds Customers Just Like Real Bank

11/11/2022 - Raphael Warnock Loses All Faith In God After Being Forced Into Runoff Against Herschel Walker

11/11/2022 - U.S. Pledges To Reduce Reliance On Energy Siphoned From Unconscious Americans Living In Simulation

11/11/2022 - Honor Our Troops By Watching Over This Sleeping Soldier

11/11/2022 - Parents At Zoo Shield Children’s Eyes From Gorillas Having Public Execution

11/11/2022 - Study Finds Majority Of Americans Die Within Same Trash Compactor They Were Born Into

11/11/2022 - Twitter Employees React To Getting Laid Off

11/11/2022 - Trophy Shopper Poses With 200 Pounds Of Pre-Packaged Ground Beef

11/11/2022 - Voters Reelect Dead Pennsylvania State Representative

11/10/2022 - Bullied Loner Plans Office Shooting

11/10/2022 - First Gen Z Member Elected To Congress

11/10/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks

11/10/2022 - They Said A Rock Could Never Have A Tasty Little Guy Inside: How Oysters Proved Everyone Wrong

11/10/2022 - ‘Call Of Duty’ Adds Premium Skin Only Available To Players Who Kill Someone In Real Life

11/10/2022 - Things That Will Get You Permanently Banned From Elon Musk’s Twitter

11/10/2022 - How Should We Reduce Political Polarization?

11/10/2022 - A Real Ship Show

11/10/2022 - I’d Probably Do Fine In Prison Because I Get Along With Everybody

11/10/2022 - Stolen Bitcoin Worth $3 Billion Found In Popcorn Tin

11/10/2022 - Kid Could Afford To Be More Discerning About Which Rocks Are Worth Collecting

11/10/2022 - Clueless Commuters Walk Past World-Famous Subway Masturbator Without Realizing

11/10/2022 - Tearful U.N. Secretary Holds Up Glacier’s Remains As Dire Climate Warning

11/10/2022 - Moment Of Silence Sponsored By Foot Locker

11/9/2022 - Biggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm Elections

11/9/2022 - Chris Evans Named ‘People’ Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Man Alive

11/9/2022 - Winklevoss Twins Spend Joyous Afternoon Jerking Each Other Off

11/9/2022 - Beto O’Rourke Asks Advisors If Getting Paralyzed By Tree Would Help 2026 Election Chances

11/9/2022 - Smiling Fetterman Asks Oz If He’d Mind Slowly Repeating Concession For 5th Time

11/9/2022 - Dumbass Nation Puts Congress In Power Again

11/9/2022 - Victorious Senator Vows To Still Fight For Billionaires Who Didn’t Funnel Dark Money Into Campaign

11/9/2022 - New Legislation Would Prohibit Texting While Stabbing

11/9/2022 - What To Say To Someone Who Is Saving Themselves For Marriage

11/9/2022 - Scenes From The Midterm Elections

11/9/2022 - Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work

11/9/2022 - AI Software Company Patches Bug That Caused App To Treat Black People Equally

11/9/2022 - National Park Service Urging Visitors To Stop Licking Toxic Psychedelic Toads

11/8/2022 - U.N. Chief Tells Climate Summit: Cooperate Or Perish

11/8/2022 - Republican Voters Given Toll-Free Number To Call If They Witness Legitimate Vote

11/8/2022 - Elderly Poll Watcher Doing Slow, Confused Job Of Intimidating Voters

11/8/2022 - Stressed-Out Woman Treats Herself To Additional $400 Of Credit Card Debt

11/8/2022 - Scientists Discover Fluffy Planet With Density Of A Marshmallow

11/8/2022 - Nursing Home CEO Afraid He’ll End Up In One Of Those Places He Owns

11/8/2022 - Most Brilliant Ways Elon Musk Plans To Make Twitter Profitable

11/8/2022 - Cheeks Of Adorable Pet Hamster Filled With Own Babies

11/8/2022 - Armed Conservative Monitoring Polling Site Disappointed How Few People Vote In Midterms

11/8/2022 - Kidnapper Not About To Wake Up At 5 A.M. To Abduct Jogging Woman

11/8/2022 - Obama Claims He’s Still President After Seeing How Susceptible Voters Are To Conspiracy Theories

11/7/2022 - Raphael Warnock Surges In Polls After Taking Off Glasses

11/7/2022 - Elon Musk Touts Project To Teach Neuralink Monkeys To Commit Sexual Harassment

11/7/2022 - Astros Win First World Series Since Cheating Scandal

11/7/2022 - Bullied Loner Plans Office Shooting

11/7/2022 - Americans Explain Why They Are Not Voting In The Midterms

11/7/2022 - Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately

11/7/2022 - Study Finds 100% Of Relationships Last Forever

11/7/2022 - Usain Bolt Recalls Discovering Talent For Running Through Corporate Wellness Challenge

11/7/2022 - Centrist Advocates Moderate Approach To Genocide

11/7/2022 - Regular Been Coming To Local Diner Long Enough To Know All The Forks By Name

11/7/2022 - Miss Argentina, Miss Puerto Rico Reveal They Are Married

11/7/2022 - All Of Man’s Best Clothes Associated With Relationship He Destroyed

11/5/2022 - Astros Credit World Series Win To Subject Of Future MLB Investigation

11/4/2022 - Housekeeper Sues Jeff Bezos Over Working Conditions, Discrimination

11/4/2022 - Twitter Employee Unsure If Email He Received With Vince McMahon Meme Means He Laid Off Or Not

11/4/2022 - Beto Fact: Did You Know?

11/4/2022 - Domestic Insurgency

11/4/2022 - Tucker Carlson Screaming In Agony That He Feels Crime Crawling All Over Him

11/4/2022 - Elon Musk’s Plans For Twitter

11/4/2022 - Study Exposes Risks Of Wandering Through The Burkmoore Swamp On A Moonless Night

11/4/2022 - Things People Hate The Most About Democratic Fundraising Emails

11/4/2022 - Shanghai Disney Requires Negative Covid Test For Guests To Leave

11/4/2022 - L.A. Replaces Grass With 6-Inch Metal Spikes To Prevent Homeless From Sleeping In Parks

11/4/2022 - Parents Attempt To Wean Ornery Toddler Off Cigarettes

11/3/2022 - How Should We Fix America’s Broken Electoral System?

11/3/2022 - Judge Issues Restraining Order Against Group Monitoring Ballot Boxes

11/3/2022 - Biden Warns Americans That Ability To Even Pretend U.S. A Democracy At Stake

11/3/2022 - Leaked Audio Reveals Uvalde Cop Asked Pizza Delivery Guy To Check On Kids While Dropping Off Few Pies

11/3/2022 - Twitter Adds ‘Context’ Label To Clarify When Tweets Make Elon Musk Sad

11/3/2022 - Looking Back On 30 Decades Of Hard-Hitting Sandwich Journalism

11/3/2022 - Creepiest Ways Airbnb Owners Are Spying On You

11/3/2022 - NBA Scouts Salivating Over 7'1" European Floor Sweeper

11/3/2022 - What Republicans Are Saying About The Paul Pelosi Attack

11/3/2022 - ‘Planet Killer’ Asteroid Spotted Hiding In Sun’s Glare

11/3/2022 - Man Inspects Perimeter To Find Most Vulnerable Entry Point To Hamburger

11/3/2022 - Democratic Fundraising Email States James Carville Is Wearing Suicide Vest On Recipient’s Doorstep

11/3/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 9 Picks

11/3/2022 - Are American Ants Too Small? 25 Countries With Bigger Ants And What They Might Be Doing Right

11/3/2022 - Bolting Newborn Leaves Silhouette-Shaped Hole In Mom

11/2/2022 - Elon Musk Plans To Charge Monthly Fee For Twitter Account Verification

11/2/2022 - Should Joe Biden Run Again?

11/2/2022 - Daily Affirmation: I Am The Only Me

11/2/2022 - Convenience Store Stoop Provides Rest For Weary Seniors Traveling To Far End Of Block

11/2/2022 - Republican Voters Given Toll-Free Number To Call If They Witness Legitimate Vote

11/2/2022 - What To Say To Someone Struggling With Inflation

11/2/2022 - Hotel Guest Surprised To Have Been Charged For Robe She Ate

11/2/2022 - Conservative Man Will Be Furious If They Ever Make Dora The Explorer Less Hot

11/2/2022 - Hungry Nation Could Really Go For Bountiful Harvest Right About Now

11/2/2022 - CDC Warns Severity Of Flu Season Highest In 13 Years

11/2/2022 - What To Know About The Attack On Nancy Pelosi’s Husband

11/2/2022 - Skydiver With Malfunctioning Parachute Does One Last Scan For Trampoline

11/1/2022 - Taylor Swift Becomes First Artist In History To Hold Every Top 10 Spot On Billboard Hot 100

11/1/2022 - GOP Condemns Attack On Paul Pelosi As Half-Assed

11/1/2022 - Long Story Short, Your Father Had A Stroke

11/1/2022 - 6 Lukewarm Hotspots in Argyle, Ohio—the Nation’s Capital of Mediocrity

11/1/2022 - FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now

11/1/2022 - School Board Reminds Attendees To Limit Comments To 60 Slurs Or Less

11/1/2022 - Parents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s Future

11/1/2022 - Should Biden Run Again?

11/1/2022 - Joe Biden Deserves 4 More Years Of Making My Centrist Baby Boomer Pussy Sopping Wet

11/1/2022 - I Mean, Sure, Who Gives A Shit?

11/1/2022 - Okay, Don’t Tell Anyone I Told You This, But I Have A Friend Who Works At The White House And She Said That Biden’s Literally Not Nice In Real Life At All

11/1/2022 - Joe Biden Is Much Too Old, Unlike Me, A Person Who Is Incredibly Youthful, Marketable, And Available For Freelance Gigs And TV Appearances

11/1/2022 - American Presidents Serve 4-Year Terms

11/1/2022 - Do Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024

11/1/2022 - Biden Wants To Be President Later, But He’s Already President Now? Can’t Have It Both Ways, Mr. President

11/1/2022 - It’s Ageist To Suggest A Corpse Can’t Be A Great Leader

11/1/2022 - N-Word Use On Twitter Jumps 500% After Elon Musk Takeover