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2022 October
10/31/2022 - Tom Brady, Gisele Bündchen Announce Divorce After 13 Years Of Marriage
10/31/2022 - Chuck Grassley Facing Toughest Election Challenge Since Reconstruction
10/31/2022 - Child Forced Into Pumpkin Costume Feels First Twinge Of Rage That Will One Day Make Him Mass Shooter
10/31/2022 - Halloween Fact: Did You Know?
10/31/2022 - Disappointed Trick-Or-Treater Was Really Hoping To Get At Least One Pack Of Fentanyl
10/31/2022 - Guy At Halloween Party Dropped Hundreds On Fancy Pirate Costume He’ll Wear Maybe 50 Times A Year
10/31/2022 - Conservatives Explain Why They Are Terrified Of New York City
10/31/2022 - Just Once, Dachshund Would Love To Dress Up As Something Other Than Hot Dog
10/31/2022 - Sobbing Husband Doesn’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring Fake Sword With Him To Work
10/31/2022 - Study: Conservative Policies Linked To Higher Mortality Rates
10/31/2022 - Man Wishes More People Would Applaud Restraint For Not Doing Blackface With Prison Jumpsuit Costume
10/30/2022 - Week In Review: October 30, 2022
10/28/2022 - Jose Altuve Still Can’t Get Over How Small He Looks Out There
10/28/2022 - Food-Poisoned Ghost Caught Groaning Loudly In Bathroom
10/28/2022 - What Conservatives Are Saying About Elon Musk Buying Twitter
10/28/2022 - Ballot Paper Shortage Could Cause Problems On Election Day
10/28/2022 - ‘If We Go 7-10, It’ll Be Worth It,’ Says Tom Brady On Divorce
10/28/2022 - Pentagon Warns U.S. That They Had Scary Dream About China
10/28/2022 - Man Can’t Remember What He Ran Into Burning Building For
10/28/2022 - World Hunger Activists Throw Oil On Pelican To Protest Climate Activists Wasting Soup
10/28/2022 - Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles
10/28/2022 - Mark Zuckerberg Holds All-Company Meeting To Announce His Metaverse Avatar Is Crying
10/28/2022 - Military Recruiter Tells Teen About Opportunity To Experience Exciting New Medical Conditions
10/28/2022 - Candidate Breakdown: John Fetterman Vs. Mehmet Oz
10/28/2022 - Parents Share Their Biggest Fears About Trick-Or-Treating
10/28/2022 - EPA Awards Nearly $1 Billion To Schools For Electric Buses
10/28/2022 - Christian School Anatomy Textbook Shows Female Reproductive System Wearing Long Denim Skirt
10/27/2022 - Alito Says Leaked Abortion Opinion Made Conservative Justices Targets For Assassination
10/27/2022 - Kanye West Bursts Into Pepperidge Farm With Pitch For Shoe Cookie
10/27/2022 - Herschel Walker Claims He’s Honorary Confederate Soldier
10/27/2022 - Adidas Attempts To Make Amends With Jewish Community By Signing Woody Allen
10/27/2022 - Pumpkin Reacts To Jack-O-Lantern Carving
10/27/2022 - Most Controversial Medical Claims Made By Dr. Oz
10/27/2022 - Mom Frustrated Son Waited To Say He Needs Halloween Costume Until Night Before His Office Party
10/27/2022 - Catching Up With JonBenét Ramsey
10/27/2022 - We Polled Every American On Their Abortion Policy Preferences
10/27/2022 - Tourists Stranded In Grand Canyon Caverns For 24 Hours After Elevator Breaks
10/27/2022 - Patriot Honored To Be Lied To By His Country
10/27/2022 - Nation’s Boys Announce They Will Do Better In School If They Get PS5
10/27/2022 - Is It Just Me, Or Do The Sex Dreams About Santa Start Earlier And Earlier Each Year?
10/27/2022 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 8 Picks
10/26/2022 - Adidas Drops Kanye West Over Antisemetic Remarks
10/26/2022 - Inspiring Woman Becomes Professional Surfer Despite Shark Biting Head Off
10/26/2022 - What To Know About New U.K. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak
10/26/2022 - Black Man Informed He Pretty Articulate For A Fundamentally Subhuman Life Form
10/26/2022 - Vague New Dating Site Caters To People Who Like To…You Know, Do That Certain Thing
10/26/2022 - Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings
10/26/2022 - Assisted Living Center Gives Residents Independence To Wander Off And Die On Their Own
10/26/2022 - Woman Charged With Sending Swarm Of Bees To Attack Deputies Serving Eviction Notice
10/26/2022 - Student Sent To Principal’s Office For Refusing To Masturbate To Flag During Pledge
10/26/2022 - What To Tell A 10-Year-Old Who Has Been Denied An Abortion
10/26/2022 - Gatorade Introduces Shareable Multi-Teat Bottle
10/25/2022 - Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister
10/25/2022 - Mother Informs Children That Grandpa Has Died For Real This Time
10/25/2022 - What Is The Scariest Thing That Has Ever Happened To You?
10/25/2022 - Netflix Limits Users To One Eye Per Screen
10/25/2022 - Biblical Historians Reveal Jesus Christ Chose Stage Name To Sound Less Jewish
10/25/2022 - Women Explain Why Men Under 30 Are Unfuckable
10/25/2022 - Man Suspends Disbelief To Watch Film Where Regular Person Changes For The Better
10/25/2022 - Bitch Waitress Apparently Not Going To Post About $1,000 Tip On Social Media
10/25/2022 - First Known Family Of Neanderthals Found In Russian Cave
10/25/2022 - Adding Insult To Injury, Man Mauled To Death By Dog Wearing Puffy Vest
10/24/2022 - Steve Bannon Sentenced To 4 Months For Contempt Of Congress
10/24/2022 - Times Tough For Local Man Who Actually Is Superior To Women
10/24/2022 - Report: Hey, Pal, Our Headline Is Up Here
10/24/2022 - Psychology Fact: Did You Know?
10/24/2022 - Elon Musk To Cut Twitter Staff To Single Devoted Hunchback Who Laughs Hysterically At All Of Boss’s Genius Tweets
10/24/2022 - What To Know About ‘Quiet Quitting’
10/24/2022 - Emojis That Gen Z Hates The Most And Why
10/24/2022 - New Tesla Model To Include Undercarriage Thresher To Shred All Evidence Of Running Someone Over
10/24/2022 - Justin Fields Hands Off Letters To His Family In Case He Doesn’t Make It Out Of Next Sack Alive
10/24/2022 - NASA Fires Engineer Secretly Working On Behalf Of Black Hole
10/24/2022 - BTS Members To Start Korean Military Service
10/23/2022 - Bucs’ Protection Scheme Involves O-Line Asking Defense To Go Easy On Tom Brady While He’s Going Through Some Stuff
10/23/2022 - Week In Review: October 23, 2022
10/22/2022 - Kyle Schwarber Stands Back To Admire Bryce Harper
10/21/2022 - U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss Steps Down After 6 Weeks
10/21/2022 - James Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’
10/21/2022 - ‘Black Adam’ Last Chance For Something To Go Right In Dwayne Johnson’s Miserable Fucking Life
10/21/2022 - Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us
10/21/2022 - Calling All Chicago-Area Worms: I Started A Worm Club To Meet Other Worms
10/21/2022 - Herschel Squirts
10/21/2022 - Groundbreaking Film Star To Be First Asian American Featured On U.S. Currency
10/21/2022 - Prison Cell Could Fit Another 3 Guys Easy
10/21/2022 - Amazon Unveils New AmazonBasics Human Infant
10/21/2022 - Creepiest Ways Airbnb Owners Are Spying On You
10/21/2022 - Man Needs To Do Research On Which State He Lives In Before Deciding On Candidates He Can Vote For
10/20/2022 - Men Under 30 Explain Why They’re Not Having Sex
10/20/2022 - Americans Predict The Outcome Of The January 6 Hearings
10/20/2022 - Texas Students To Get DNA Kits To Help Identify Children’s Bodies In ‘Emergencies’
10/20/2022 - No Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As That School Shooter’s Mom
10/20/2022 - Liz Truss To Continue Receiving Security Detail For 20 Minutes After Leaving Office
10/20/2022 - Herschel Walker Beats Up Unarmed Black Civilian To Prove He Real Cop
10/20/2022 - Kevin Spacey Is As Surprised As You That We’re Giving Him This Platform
10/20/2022 - Netflix Gains 2 Million Subscribers By Making Characters In Shows Subscribe To Netflix
10/20/2022 - Bystanders Too Busy Complimenting Each Other’s Guns To Stop Mass Shooter
10/20/2022 - Coworker Has Sad Little Vacation Souvenir On Desk To Help Mentally Whisk Him Back To Boston
10/20/2022 - Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Tesla
10/20/2022 - Fantasy Football League Ruined By Guy Who Won’t Update Roster Weeks After Wife’s Death
10/20/2022 - Alaska Cancels Snow Crab Season After 90% Of Population Disappears
10/19/2022 - Late Night Host James Corden Briefly Banned From Restaurant For ‘Abusive’ Behavior
10/19/2022 - Janet Yellen Rolls Up Sleeves To Take Another Crack At Interrogating Milk Jug Over Rising Food Prices
10/19/2022 - Moon Dead At 29
10/19/2022 - Former High School Basketball Star Lands AA Sponsorship
10/19/2022 - Pros And Cons Of E-Bikes
10/19/2022 - Café Has Bathroom Code In Case Homeless Person Tries To Regain Scrap Of Own Humanity
10/19/2022 - Man Alarmed By Appearance Of First Gray Arm
10/19/2022 - Prison Warden Sadistic But Fair
10/19/2022 - More Businesses Offering Silver Fox Discounts To Seniors Who Still Got It
10/19/2022 - What Infowars Viewers Are Saying About The Alex Jones Trial
10/19/2022 - Man Plays Saxophone Through His 9-Hour Brain Surgery
10/18/2022 - Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her
10/18/2022 - Georgia Launches Text Alert System To Notify Officials Of Threats At Polls
10/18/2022 - Police Chief Yells At Herschel Walker For Blowing Cover In Undercover-Senate-Run Operation
10/18/2022 - Evil Thoughts Every Parent Has Had At Some Point
10/18/2022 - Biden Leaves LA Taco Shop Owner Huge Tip, Wallet, Car Keys, Phone, Belt, Shoes
10/18/2022 - Twitter To Promote Healthier Discussion By Letting One User Tweet At A Time
10/18/2022 - Food Banks Begin Accepting Donations From Homosexuals
10/18/2022 - Americans Explain Why They Are Not Voting In The Midterms
10/18/2022 - $400,000 Of Meth Hidden In Pumpkins Found At Texas Border
10/18/2022 - Report Confirms Anyone Who Really Likes A Politician Is Insane
10/18/2022 - Flight Attendant Reminds Passengers To Secure Own Michael Myers Mask Before Helping Child
10/18/2022 - Kyrie Irving Alleges Kyrie Irving Just CIA Creation Made To Spread Misinformation To American People
10/17/2022 - FDA Announces Adderall Shortage
10/17/2022 - Daily Affirmation: Out Of My Hands
10/17/2022 - Everyone On Cruise Line Fantasizing About Throwing Off Loved One, Watching Body Sink Into Deep
10/17/2022 - Astronaut Returns From ISS With Annoying Space Accent
10/17/2022 - Ohioans Explain Why They Are Voting For J.D. Vance
10/17/2022 - Bumbling American Tourist Visiting Vatican Accidentally Breaks Pope
10/17/2022 - ‘So You Brought Home A White Girl, Huh?’ Say Skeptical White Parents To White Son
10/17/2022 - Transportation Department Unveils ‘Good Luck’ Signals For Pedestrians Trying To Cross Intersections
10/17/2022 - White House Offers Migrants Legal Path To Deportation
10/17/2022 - Archaeologists Discover Ancient Roman ‘Fridge’ With Meat Still Inside
10/16/2022 - Week In Review: October 16, 2022
10/15/2022 - Astros Caught Politely Asking Catcher For Little Heads-Up On Pitch Selection
10/14/2022 - Herschel Walker Gets Line Of Lecterns To Block For Him During Debate
10/14/2022 - January 6 Committee Votes To Subpoena Donald Trump
10/14/2022 - British Government In Shambles After Liz Truss Fires Minister Of Sausages
10/14/2022 - New Jan. 6 Footage Shows Nancy Pelosi Threatening To Give Trump Bad Stock Tips
10/14/2022 - Trump Outmaneuvers New York Lawsuit By Changing Name To Donald 2
10/14/2022 - How Do Americans Describe Their Political Beliefs?
10/14/2022 - I’ve Been To 650 Countries. Here Are My Awards
10/14/2022 - Ron Johnson: ‘Hey, Don’t Boo Me, I’m Not The Black Guy’
10/14/2022 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
10/14/2022 - Book Burning Quickly Turns Into Whatever-Else-Melts-Cool Burning
10/14/2022 - Wedding Couple Grateful To Be Surrounded By Loved Ones Quietly Criticizing Everything About Event
10/14/2022 - A Flops Tables
10/14/2022 - How Virtual Reality Works
10/14/2022 - LIV Golfers On Saudi Course Forced To Putt Around Woman Being Beheaded
10/14/2022 - Arizonans Explain Why They Are Voting For Kari Lake
10/14/2022 - ‘Fat Bear Week’ Hit By Voter Fraud Attempt
10/14/2022 - Report Finds Russian Hackers Gained Access To Millions Of Metaverse Legs
10/14/2022 - Reanimated Corpse Of John Lennon Wishes He Could Go Out In Public Without Fans Pointing And Screaming
10/14/2022 - New Corkscrew Whirlycoaster IUD Gets Sperm Cell Too Dizzy To Find Uterus
10/13/2022 - Baby Gate Crumples Under Force Of Big Ol’ Bruiser
10/13/2022 - Alex Jones Ordered To Pay Nearly $1 Billion In Sandy Hook Defamation Trial
10/13/2022 - Kanye West Seeks Reconciliation With Jewish Cabal To Collab On ‘Yeezy X Jews’ Streetwear
10/13/2022 - Newly Discovered Documents Suggest Founding Fathers Intended America To Be First In Trilogy Of Countries
10/13/2022 - Positive Pregnancy Test Immediately Sprouts Robotic Legs, Scans Woman’s Face With Laser
10/13/2022 - Ron Johnson Shows He’s Tough On Crime By Hanging Bread Thief In Town Square
10/13/2022 - New Zealand Proposes Taxing Cow Burps
10/13/2022 - Pennsylvanians Explain Why They Are Voting For Doug Mastriano
10/13/2022 - Manifesto Sounds Stupid Out Loud
10/13/2022 - Attentive Server Continuously Refills Patron’s Empty Mouth
10/13/2022 - She Pioneered Computing Science: Honoring Ada Lovelace, The Woman Whose Incredible Work Will Lead To The Collapse Of Civilization
10/13/2022 - Shirtless Alex Jones Stands On Side Of Road Holding ‘Car Wash: $1 Million’ Sign
10/12/2022 - Prosecutors Drop All Charges Against ‘Serial’ Podcast Subject Adnan Syed
10/12/2022 - Sean Hannity Plays Voicemail From His Dad Calling Him A Piece Of Shit To Demonstrate Healthy Father–Son Relationship
10/12/2022 - Raytheon Unveils Missile Capable Of Targeting And Scuffing Up Jordans
10/12/2022 - Most Important 2022 Midterm Races
10/12/2022 - New AI Could Diagnose Illnesses By Analyzing Patient’s Voice
10/12/2022 - Best Bios From The Conservatives-Only Online Dating Site ‘The Right Stuff’
10/12/2022 - Leaked Documents Reveal CIA Secretly Flooded White Communities With Vegetables
10/12/2022 - Considerate Woman Informs Masturbating Stranger His Fly Is Down
10/12/2022 - Cop Clearly Only Pulled Over Driver To Reach Monthly Kill Quota
10/11/2022 - Jordan Peterson Disgusted By Society Celebrating 2,560-Pound Minnesota Pumpkin
10/11/2022 - New iPhones Calling 911 While On Roller Coasters
10/11/2022 - Sean Hannity Plays Voicemail From His Dad Calling Him A Piece Of Shit To Demonstrate Healthy Father–Son Relationship
10/11/2022 - Herschel Walker Campaign Email Cites Urgent Need For Donations To Fund Abortions
10/11/2022 - Americans Explain Why They Refuse To Return To The Office
10/11/2022 - So-Called ‘Self-Made’ Billionaires Who Actually Grew Up Wealthy
10/11/2022 - Nation’s Brands Criticize African Americans For Appropriating Dialect
10/11/2022 - Scientists Say A Marijuana Breathalyzer Is In The Works
10/11/2022 - Study Finds Majority Of Americans Get Their News From Walking By Stack Of Televisions In Store Window Display
10/11/2022 - Billionaire Writes Name On Cup Of Adrenochrome So He Won’t Forget Which One His
10/11/2022 - Cop Still Shooting Unarmed Civilian He Pulled Over Last Night
10/10/2022 - Fake Heiress Anna Sorokin Released From Jail
10/10/2022 - Daily Affirmation: Release All Doubts
10/10/2022 - Woman Wishes She Could Be Fly On The Wall For Moment When Swatter Kills It
10/10/2022 - Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything
10/10/2022 - Study Finds Over Half Of Blind Americans With Walking Sticks Covert Assassins
10/10/2022 - Documents The National Archives Claims Trump Has Still Not Returned
10/10/2022 - Promising Journalism Student Already Self-Censoring To Parrot Corporate Talking Points
10/10/2022 - Progressive Alabama School District Teaches Students That Every Race The Master Race In Own Way
10/10/2022 - American Tourist Smashes Two Sculptures At Vatican After Demanding To See Pope
10/10/2022 - Sanitation Worker Digs Around Truck For Source Of Weird Smell
10/9/2022 - Offensive Coordinator Draws Up Perfect Play For Crushing Defenseless Photographer On Sideline
10/9/2022 - Week In Review: October 9, 2022
10/7/2022 - Biden Pardons Thousands Convicted Of Marijuana Possession
10/7/2022 - HelloFresh Announces Collaboration To Discreetly Deliver McDonald’s In Its Packaging
10/7/2022 - Infamous Instances Of People Who Hated Their Onscreen Portrayals
10/7/2022 - Scientists Announce Earth’s Sewage No Longer Drinkable
10/7/2022 - What Should We Do About The Supreme Court?
10/7/2022 - Most Controversial Texts Sent To Elon Musk About Twitter
10/7/2022 - Report: This Our Annual Headline About Hockey
10/7/2022 - Tom Brady Urges Rob Gronkowski To Join Him For Last Year Of Marriage
10/7/2022 - Biden Tries To Hammer Board Into Sand To Kick Off Post-Hurricane Rebuilding Efforts
10/7/2022 - Velma Confirmed As Lesbian In New ‘Scooby-Doo’ Film After Years Of Ambiguity
10/7/2022 - Ecologists Disappointed After Finding Monarch Butterflies Hiding Pack Of Cigarettes In Habitat
10/7/2022 - Popular New Fitness Class Standing On One Leg While EDM Blasts
10/7/2022 - Study Finds Fewer Than 2% Of College Athletes Go On To Open Steakhouse Named After Themselves
10/6/2022 - Disappointing Box Office Numbers For ‘Bros’ Force Biden To Ban Gay Marriage
10/6/2022 - Roger Maris Jr. Sets Single-Season Record For Most Annoying Son Of Famous Player
10/6/2022 - Florida Teen Athletes Asked To Report Information On Menstrual Cycles To Third Party
10/6/2022 - Aaron Judge: ‘I Wish I’d Just Used Steroids And Hit 80 Home Runs’
10/6/2022 - LAPD Pauses Misconduct Investigations Department-Wide Out Of Respect For Deceased Officer
10/6/2022 - Single Woman Seated At Wedding’s Dessert Table
10/6/2022 - Budget Cuts Forcing More Teachers To Also Act As Class Pets
10/6/2022 - The Onion Reviews ‘Good Will Hunting’
10/6/2022 - Oscar Isaac Headlines Our Annual Erectile Dysfunction Issue And If He Doesn’t Like That He Should Learn To Answer Our Emails
10/6/2022 - Cop Has Weird Feeling He Forgot To Cover Something Up
10/6/2022 - NFL Players React To The League’s Concussion Protocol
10/6/2022 - Ye Wears ‘White Lives Matter’ Shirt At Yeezy Fashion Show
10/5/2022 - Pro-Life Herschel Walker Paid For Abortion, Report Says
10/5/2022 - Journalists Marvel At Maggie Haberman’s Ability To Get Man Who Never Shuts Up To Answer Questions
10/5/2022 - Backwoods Dietitians Recommend Squirrel As Essential Part Of Good Eatin’
10/5/2022 - Scientists Find Dolphins Only Other Mammal That Jet Ski For Pleasure
10/5/2022 - Attendees Solemnly Flip Chairs Around To Sit Backwards At Coolio’s Memorial
10/5/2022 - Man Starting To Suspect Chess Opponent With All Queens Hustling Him
10/5/2022 - Kevin McCarthy Claims Lack Of Mental Health Services In Schools Got Him Where He Is Today
10/5/2022 - Identical Twins Unconcerned After Having Bodies Swapped By Lightning Strike
10/5/2022 - 2022 Nobel Prize Winners
10/5/2022 - What To Say To A Partner If You Gave Them An STI
10/5/2022 - Fishing Tournament Ends In Cheating Scandal After Weights Found In Walleye
10/5/2022 - FEMA Requires Flood Victims To Pass Drug Test Before Qualifying For Rescue
10/5/2022 - Newly Upgraded Tesla AI Makes Fart Noise Any Time It Runs Over Child
10/5/2022 - Half-Hearted Nod At Uber Driver Interpreted As Invitation To Discuss Eugenics
10/4/2022 - Kim Kardashian To Pay $1.26 Million Over SEC Charges
10/4/2022 - Americans Explain Why They Oppose Abolishing The Police
10/4/2022 - Raging Wildfire Disgusted By Kitchen Stove Flame’s Subservience To Humans
10/4/2022 - Director Calls Quiet On Set In Order To Begin Verbal Harassment
10/4/2022 - New HGTV Show Builds Unhoused Families A Kitchen Island
10/4/2022 - U.S. To Establish New Rules On Space Trash
10/4/2022 - Hardly Davidson
10/4/2022 - Fiancé Having Second Thoughts About Spending Rest Of Life Cheating On Same Person
10/4/2022 - Georgians Explain Why They Are Voting For Herschel Walker
10/4/2022 - High Schoolers Given Detention For Cutting Class During Active Shooting
10/4/2022 - Black Student Breaks Dress Code By Having Hair
10/4/2022 - Study Finds Majority Of Suicides Preventable By Watching Video On How Chain-Link Fences Are Made
10/4/2022 - Thousands Of Factories Trump Brought Back To America Spend Another Day Churning Out Well-Made Products
10/3/2022 - Florida Republicans Vote Against Hurricane Relief
10/3/2022 - Daily Affirmation: Stop Apologizing
10/3/2022 - Kim Kardashian Pays SEC Fine In Instagram Post Promoting SEC
10/3/2022 - Man Who Shot Iraqi Civilian To Death In Front Of Family Given 10% Discount On Popcorn
10/3/2022 - Megan Thee Stallion Launches Website With Mental Health Resources For Fans
10/3/2022 - Things You Should Never Say To Your Amazon Alexa
10/3/2022 - ‘Blonde’ Director Claims Film’s Graphic Sexual Violence Accurate Depiction Of Medieval Time Period
10/3/2022 - Man In Flat-Brimmed Cap Explains Company’s Mission Statement
10/3/2022 - School Budget Committee Votes To Eliminate 4th-Graders Entirely
10/3/2022 - McDonald’s Testing New Self-Ordering Kiosk That Cries When Customers Yell At It
10/3/2022 - Moon Dead At 29
10/3/2022 - Palace Staff Decides Not To Pack Up Funeral Stuff Just Yet After Seeing King Charles Up Close
10/2/2022 - Week In Review: October 2, 2022