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2023 February
2/28/2023 - Leader Of Aryan Prison Gang Covered Head To Toe In Dilbert Tattoos
2/28/2023 - 12-Year-Old Job Applicant Asked To Explain 12-Year Employment Gap On Résumé
2/28/2023 - Supreme Court Questions Whether President Legally Allowed To Improve Americans’ Lives
2/28/2023 - Note From Shein Worker Hidden In Order States How Much He Loves Doing Sweatshop Labor
2/28/2023 - FBI Releases List Of 10 Weirdest People Who Are Actually Harmless Once You Get To Know Them
2/28/2023 - Report: We Can Tell You’ve Been Clicking On Other Websites
2/28/2023 - Zelensky Requests U.S. Tank Autographed By Shaquille O’Neal
2/28/2023 - Scientists Discover New Core At Center Of Earth
2/28/2023 - Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States
2/28/2023 - Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership
2/27/2023 - Penguin To Publish ‘Classic’ Roald Dahl Books After Censorship Backlash
2/27/2023 - Ted Cruz Announces Plans To Once Again Like Porn On 9/11
2/27/2023 - Cheap Nation Falling Apart
2/27/2023 - Dalai Lama Worried There’s Nothing More To Life Than Feeling Deep Connection With All Existence
2/27/2023 - Mattel Confirms That Animated Version Of Barney Still Has Man Inside
2/27/2023 - Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight
2/27/2023 - What Fox News Anchors Said Privately About Trump’s Election Lies
2/27/2023 - One In 8 Americans Over 50 Addicted To Highly Processed Foods
2/27/2023 - Problematic Friend Argues That Kanye Makes Some Good Points About Shoes
2/26/2023 - Week In Review: February 26, 2023
2/24/2023 - Man Has To Admit Air Fryer That Burned Down House Did Pretty Good Job On Tater Tots
2/24/2023 - Survey Finds Americans Have $21 Billion In Unspent Gift Cards
2/24/2023 - War-Weary Americans Not Sure How Much Longer They Can Occasionally Glance At Headlines About Ukraine
2/24/2023 - Panicked ‘Cocaine Bear’ Producers Scrambling To Expand 4 Minutes Of Social Media Clips Into Actual Movie
2/24/2023 - Russia Suspends Only Remaining Major Nuclear Treaty With U.S.
2/24/2023 - Nation Installs 2,000 Mile Long Privacy Curtain After Mexico Sees It Naked
2/24/2023 - Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor
2/24/2023 - Rich Friend Invents Entirely New Dialect Of English To Avoid Saying ‘Inheritance’
2/24/2023 - Man Kicks Himself After Thinking Of Perfect Gun He Could Have Used To Win Argument
2/24/2023 - Onion Explains: The Rise Of China Pt. 3
2/24/2023 - Bill Gates Ponders What He Could Have Accomplished If He Didn’t Waste Time Becoming Billionaire
2/23/2023 - FDA Rules Any White Liquid Can Be Called Milk
2/23/2023 - ‘That’ll Be $3,’ Says Trump After Handing Water Bottle To Sick Ohio Resident
2/23/2023 - Gondoliers Gasp, Flop Uncontrollably After Venice Canals Drained From Drought
2/23/2023 - ‘I Hope Joe Burrow Takes A Team-Friendly Deal,’ Says Fan Who Will Be Laid Off Without Severance
2/23/2023 - Onion Explains: The Rise Of China Pt. 2
2/23/2023 - Onion Explains: The Rise Of China Pt. 1
2/23/2023 - Pete Buttigieg Under Fire For Using Federal Funds For Gilded Handcar
2/23/2023 - ‘I’ve Finally Accepted That I’m Perfectly Imperfect’: George Santos On Learning To Love Himself, Flaws And All
2/23/2023 - 2,000-Year-Old Roman Sex Toy Found In England
2/23/2023 - Fish And Wildlife Service Announces Great Trout War Has Finally Ended
2/23/2023 - What To Know About ‘The Last Of Us’
2/23/2023 - Nation In State Of Emergency After Entire Population Goes Missing
2/23/2023 - Saddest Requests Elon Musk Has Made At Twitter Since Taking Over
2/22/2023 - First Generation iPhone Sells For $63,000
2/22/2023 - ‘10 Palestinians Dead After Israeli Raid,’ Reads Headline That Could Have Run Any Week For Past 75 Years
2/22/2023 - Baltimore Ravens Top ESPN’s Way-Too-Late 2012 NFL Power Rankings
2/22/2023 - Astute Movie Viewer Can Tell Dog Not Really Talking
2/22/2023 - Woman Just Has One Of Those Faces Strangers Feel Comfortable Masturbating To
2/22/2023 - The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With J.K. Rowling
2/22/2023 - Parents Trick Child Into Eating More Vegetables By Hitting Him If He Doesn’t Eat Vegetables
2/22/2023 - Alabama Taking Steps Toward Using Nitrogen As Execution Method
2/22/2023 - Friends Attempt To Salvage Grindingly Boring Night Out With High Five
2/21/2023 - Over 100 Children Found Working Hazardous Jobs At Slaughterhouses
2/21/2023 - Ohio Officials Point At Glass Of Water To Assure East Palestine Residents It Safe To Look At
2/21/2023 - U.S. Successfully Shoots Down Kid Jumping Too High On Trampoline
2/21/2023 - Apologetic Don Lemon Clarifies A Woman’s Relevance Is Not Defined By Age, But Conventional Attractiveness
2/21/2023 - Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online
2/21/2023 - Things That Will Get You Permanently Banned From Elon Musk’s Twitter
2/21/2023 - Channeled Aggression
2/21/2023 - Study Finds More Americans Turning To Own Feverish Imaginations For News
2/21/2023 - Man Never Thought He’d Become One Of Those Bug-Laid-Eggs-In-His-Ear Kind Of Guys
2/21/2023 - Woman Surprised By How Easy It Is To Get Along With Sister Now That They’re Adults Who Never See Each Other
2/21/2023 - Weirdest Things People Do To Celebrate Mardi Gras
2/21/2023 - God Admits He’s A Little Flattered When Someone Kills In His Name
2/20/2023 - Marrying Woman Who Doesn’t Eat Her Pizza Crusts Best Decision Man Ever Made
2/20/2023 - Catalytic Converter Stolen From Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
2/20/2023 - Compassionate Pete Buttigieg Cuts Train’s Brake Lines So It Can Run Free
2/20/2023 - Rick Moranis Announces Plan To Pop Into Your Head Right Before You Orgasm
2/20/2023 - Mature Cat Not Going To Waste Time Chasing Laser That Doesn’t Want Her
2/20/2023 - Rihanna Loves Using Pregnancy As Excuse To Take Good Seats On Bus
2/20/2023 - Politicians Explain Why TikTok Should Be Banned
2/20/2023 - Evangelical Leaders Announce J.K. Rowling Finally Bigoted Enough That It’s Okay For Kids To Read About Witchcraft
2/20/2023 - ‘Layoffs A-Comin’,’ Whispers Wizened Office Sage Staring Out Over Horizon
2/20/2023 - Girlfriend Makes Fun Of Man For Loving Sports Even Though She’s Obsessed With Taking Care Of Dying Mother
2/19/2023 - Week In Review: February 19, 2023
2/17/2023 - Anonymous Mourner Returns To Lay Hydrocodone Tablet At Rush Limbaugh’s Grave
2/17/2023 - Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll
2/17/2023 - U.S. Credit Card Debt Reaches Record High
2/17/2023 - Male Birth Control That Paralyzes Sperm For 2 Hours 100% Effective In Lab Mice
2/17/2023 - This Guy Is In A Coma, So You Can Direct All Your Hateful Angry Comments At Him And No One Will See Them
2/17/2023 - ‘Harry Potter’ Fan Always Dreamed Of Receiving Magical Defamation Letter From J.K. Rowling
2/17/2023 - It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible
2/17/2023 - Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Drag Shows
2/17/2023 - Doomsday Prepper Hoards Chili’s Gift Cards In Case He Needs Casual Dining After The Apocalypse
2/17/2023 - Raceless, Noncorporeal Police Officer Still Brutalizes Black Man
2/17/2023 - Annoyed Man Rates UberEats Driver 3 Stars For Having To Pry Order Out Of Their Dead Frozen Hands
2/17/2023 - Conservationists Tout Successful Restoration Efforts After Dolphins Spotted On Mars For First Time Since 1973
2/16/2023 - Americans Explain Why Assault Weapons Must Stay Legal
2/16/2023 - Wyoming Republicans Criticize Bill Raising Legal Marriage Age To 18
2/16/2023 - Cackling Oil Executive Watches Through Crystal Orb As Greta Thunberg Gets Lost In Nordic Forest
2/16/2023 - Officials Champion Ohio Train Derailment As Deregulation Success Story
2/16/2023 - New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Would Have Driven Selves To Extinction Through Greed And Complacency Anyway
2/16/2023 - Signs Someone Is A Pathological Liar
2/16/2023 - Kidney Freaking Out After Waking Up In Cooler Full Of Ice With Rest Of Man Missing
2/16/2023 - Depressed Man Feels Better After Remembering He Could Die At Any Second
2/15/2023 - What To Know About The Train Derailment And Toxic Chemicals In Ohio
2/15/2023 - Dianne Feinstein Announces She Won’t Run For Reelection in 2024
2/15/2023 - Nikki Haley Panicking After Someone Actually Orders Campaign T-Shirt
2/15/2023 - Blundering U.S. Accidentally Stabilizes Foreign Country
2/15/2023 - New Bullet Approved For Use On Humans
2/15/2023 - U.S. Health Secretary Hopes No Ones Sees Her Take Quick Hit From Vape Pen
2/15/2023 - Dry Humping At 16 Still Peak Of Man’s Abilities As Sexual Partner
2/15/2023 - What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Joe Rogan
2/15/2023 - Ethical Diamond Company Only Uses White Children To Mine
2/15/2023 - Florida Mom Packs Little Manifesto In Child’s Lunch
2/14/2023 - Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much
2/14/2023 - Valentine’s Dinner Ruined After Boyfriend Overcooks Edible Underwear
2/14/2023 - Adam Schiff Seeks Diane Feinstein’s Endorsement By Playing Into Delusion He’s High School Sweetheart Who Died In WWII
2/14/2023 - Fear Of Rejection Prevents Man From Asking Woman What Her Underwear Smells Like
2/14/2023 - Rose Petal Fished Out From Between Ass Cheeks
2/14/2023 - Archaeologists Discover Early Humans Developed Shelter To Provide Passive Income Stream For Landlords
2/14/2023 - Valentine's Day Fact: Did You Know?
2/14/2023 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
2/14/2023 - Bird Leaders Defend Shooting Down Aircraft That Illegally Entered Avian Airspace
2/14/2023 - Nation Frantically Prepares For Romantic Ejaculation
2/14/2023 - Amazon Echo Declares It Heard Everything And It’s Taking The Kids
2/14/2023 - Report Finds Mark Kelly Just Person ActBlue Made Up
2/14/2023 - Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day
2/14/2023 - Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day
2/13/2023 - Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII
2/13/2023 - Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High
2/13/2023 - Baby Paranoid After Discovering Parents Bugged His Crib
2/13/2023 - Top Super Bowl Ad Features Paul Rudd Urging Americans To Drive Chevy Far Away From This Grim And Dying Nation
2/13/2023 - George Santos Signs With IMG Models
2/13/2023 - Study: 1 In 20 Americans Develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome From Repetitive Chip Dipping
2/13/2023 - Practice Your Kissing With This Kissing Simulator
2/13/2023 - Things To Never Say To A Strip Club Performer
2/13/2023 - No One Has Heart To Tell Man That They Are All Figments Of His Untethered Mind
2/13/2023 - California To Begin Offering Assisted Suicide To Any Over-30 Bachelor Currently Rewatching ‘Cowboy Bebop’
2/13/2023 - New FanDuel ‘Double Play’ Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back House
2/13/2023 - Couple Leaves Baby At Airport Check-In After Refusing To Buy Child Ticket
2/12/2023 - Nick Sirianni Shows Why Andy Reid Was Right To Drop His Ass As Chiefs Wide Receivers Coach In 2012
2/12/2023 - Chiefs Second Super Bowl Win Proves Anything Possible If You Don’t Trade Up To Draft Mitch Trubisky
2/12/2023 - Donna Kelce Just Glad Her Better Son Won
2/12/2023 - Report: This Last Time Chiefs Super Bowl Victory Will Be Enjoyable
2/12/2023 - Chiefs Medical Staff Help Critically Hungry Andy Reid Into Meat-Smoking Tent
2/12/2023 - Super Bowl Crowd Erupts In Applause As Rihanna Brings Out Richard Kind
2/12/2023 - Decrepit Tom Brady Wheeled Out To Enjoy Super Bowl Halftime Show
2/12/2023 - Andy Reid Admits He Can Still Taste Last Super Bowl Victory In Mustache
2/12/2023 - Report: 84% Of Super Bowl Ads Specifically Intended To Distract From Human Rights Violation
2/12/2023 - Kevin Burkhardt: ‘The Men, They Begin Their Brutal Clash, And We—We Cheer Their Broken Bodies’
2/12/2023 - Shy Andy Reid Asks Eagles If They Remember Him
2/12/2023 - Roger Goodell Just Hoping For Competitive Game Where No One Dies On Field, Mentions League’s Record On Race, Brings Up CTE, Highlights Discriminatory Hiring Practices, Or Says ‘Deshaun Watson’
2/12/2023 - Kelce Brothers Beg NFL To Let Them Play On Same Team For Super Bowl
2/12/2023 - Week In Review: February 12, 2023
2/11/2023 - Things To Never Say To An Eagles Fan
2/11/2023 - Things To Never Say To A Chiefs Fan
2/10/2023 - Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LVII
2/10/2023 - ‘Late Late Show’ Canceled After Almost 30 Years On CBS
2/10/2023 - Atone Deaf
2/10/2023 - Man Abuses Dog Because He Was Abused By Dog Who Owned Him As A Child
2/10/2023 - Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LVII
2/10/2023 - Kamala Harris Exasperatedly Explains Her Job To Aunt Again
2/10/2023 - Officials Brag That U.S. Military Has All The Different Kinds Of Guns
2/10/2023 - What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Andrew Tate
2/9/2023 - The Most Iconic Super Bowl Commercials Of All Time
2/9/2023 - Grammy For Best Hidden Track Awarded Just As Everyone Thought Ceremony Over
2/9/2023 - Ah Fuck, We Asked Timothée Chalamet Some Pretty Boilerplate Stuff About His Upcoming Willy Wonka Movie And Now This Dweeb Thinks We’re Best Buds
2/9/2023 - Mom Sick Of Reminding Lazy Teenager To Reload Family Gun After Shooting Sprees
2/9/2023 - U.S. Demands U.N. Pass Resolution Officially Stating America Is Nice
2/9/2023 - AMC Theatres To Change Movie Ticket Prices Based On Seat Location
2/9/2023 - Report: More Italians Choosing Environmentally Friendly Option Of Being Baked Into Burial Lasagna
2/9/2023 - CEOs Explain How They Are Celebrating Black History Month
2/8/2023 - Biden Delivers State Of The Union
2/8/2023 - Anxious Marjorie Taylor Greene Wondering If She Talked Too Much Last Night
2/8/2023 - Mitt Romney Exhausted After Scolding All 535 Liars In Congress
2/8/2023 - Highlights Of Biden’s State Of The Union Address
2/8/2023 - Airbnb Tests New Feature That Allows Black Guests
2/8/2023 - Study Links Stress To Desperately Grasping For Out-Of-Reach Weapon As Villain Approaches
2/8/2023 - Loyal Dog Spends Hours Each Day Humping Owner’s Grave
2/8/2023 - Whistleblower Uncovers CIA Plot To Get President Laid
2/8/2023 - Patient Who Was Declared Dead Found Still Alive In Body Bag
2/8/2023 - Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address
2/8/2023 - If Sci-Fi World Not Alien Enough For You, Here Come 2 Suns
2/7/2023 - Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying
2/7/2023 - ‘But The Scary Balloon Popped, So They Went Back To Worrying About The Recession Monster,’ Says Joe Biden, Reading Illustrated Children’s State Of The Union
2/7/2023 - ‘Eh…You Get The Picture,’ Says Biden, Ending State Of The Union 45 Seconds Into Speech
2/7/2023 - AMC Now Basing Ticket Prices On Proximity To Guy Masturbating In Dark
2/7/2023 - George Santos Panicking After Prospective Aide He Thought He Made Up Accuses Him Of Sexual Misconduct
2/7/2023 - Man Fact: Did You Know?
2/7/2023 - Man Sues Woman For ‘Emotional Trauma’ After Rejecting Him
2/7/2023 - Nation’s Children Rocked By Getting Molested Scandal
2/7/2023 - Peninsula Wishes It Was Island So Bad
2/7/2023 - Tom Brady Fans React To His Retirement
2/7/2023 - Police Stop Black Civilian For Fitting Description Of Giant Fire-Breathing Reptile Terrorizing Tokyo
2/7/2023 - Sponsored: 18 More Days Until You’re Struck And Killed By Kia Sorento
2/6/2023 - Lawmakers Propose Letting Prisoners Donate Organs For Reduced Sentences
2/6/2023 - Harry Styles Figures He Should Listen To His Album Now That It Won Grammy
2/6/2023 - Suburban School Worker Charged With Stealing $1.5 Million Worth Of Chicken Wings
2/6/2023 - Strong Jobs Report Underscores Just How Much Of A Loser Unemployed Man Is
2/6/2023 - Books Ron DeSantis Has Banned In Florida
2/6/2023 - ‘Wowie Zowie, An Email From Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff!’ Cries Imaginary Person Marketed To By DNC
2/6/2023 - The Super Company Announces It’s Not Renewing Sponsorship Contract With NFL Bowl Game
2/6/2023 - Study Finds Majority Of Americans No Longer Bothering To Unwrap Hamburger
2/6/2023 - Cancer Patient Harasses Poor Little Insurance Company Into Covering Bill
2/6/2023 - Police Chief Vows Officer Accused Of Misconduct Will Receive Harshest Possible Nickname
2/5/2023 - NFL Medical Personnel Race For Quickest Ligament Repair During Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge
2/3/2023 - President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11
2/3/2023 - Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance
2/3/2023 - Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon
2/3/2023 - Florida Board Of Education Removes Africa From World Maps
2/3/2023 - Geneticists Announce They Have Resurrected Woolly Mammoth’s Trunk Only
2/3/2023 - U.S. Blows Itself Up So China Can’t Have It
2/3/2023 - Newly Discovered Sketches Reveal Regional Chain Restaurants Lewis And Clark Encountered On Expedition Across America
2/3/2023 - Tom Brady Retires Again
2/3/2023 - Teen Boys Beat Shit Out Of ChatGPT Servers After It Only Gets Them ‘C’ On Assignment
2/3/2023 - Rules To Follow When Dating A Friend’s Ex
2/2/2023 - Revised AP African American Studies To Focus Mostly On Herman Cain’s Rise To Pizza CEO
2/2/2023 - Biden Casually Tells National Prayer Breakfast He’s Been To Heaven Several Times
2/2/2023 - Kamala Harris Reminds Self Not To High-Five Cops During Memphis Trip
2/2/2023 - Green Comet Slows Down To Gawk As It Passes Totally Wrecked Planet
2/2/2023 - Victoria’s Secret Apologizes For Ill-Advised Body Positivity Campaign Showing Horse Wearing Bra
2/2/2023 - What To Know About YouTube Influencer MrBeast
2/2/2023 - Party Hat Leaves Circular Bruise On Grandma
2/2/2023 - Scientists Reverse Aging Process In Mice
2/2/2023 - Woman Puts On True Crime Podcast To Entertain Herself While Cleaning Up Husband’s Entrails
2/2/2023 - Musicians Explain Why They Hate Ticketmaster
2/2/2023 - Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them
2/2/2023 - City Hopes Building Freeway Through White Neighborhood Can Count As Reparations
2/1/2023 - George Santos To Recuse Self From House Committees
2/1/2023 - Exclusive Interview With George Santos
2/1/2023 - Ron DeSantis Introduces New Son Barron Trump
2/1/2023 - Walmart Destroys Another Local Business
2/1/2023 - Ticketmaster To Require Purchase Of Round-Trip Concert Tickets For Exiting Venue After Show
2/1/2023 - Whites Ousted From Role As Master Race After Racist Past Comes To Light
2/1/2023 - Things To Never Say To Someone With An OnlyFans
2/1/2023 - ‘I Finally Made The Switch From Coffee,’ Says Man Holding Gun To His Head To Get Adrenaline Rush
2/1/2023 - 29-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Posing As High School Student
2/1/2023 - Cop Confused After Pouring Fentanyl On Wife Doesn’t Do Anything