1/31/2023 - Relaxed Marie Kondo Now Says She Perfectly Happy Living In Waist-High Sewage

1/31/2023 - U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence

1/31/2023 - Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks

1/31/2023 - Kamala Harris Asks Communications Assistant If She Can Take Them Out For Coffee And Pick Their Brain Sometime

1/31/2023 - What The Cluck

1/31/2023 - 25 Arrested In Fake Nursing School Diploma Scheme

1/31/2023 - Middle School Boyfriend Genuinely Referred To As ‘Ex’

1/31/2023 - World’s Oldest American Dies At 72

1/31/2023 - Report: Everyone Laughing At What Is A Very Silly Misunderstanding, But Don’t Be Fooled—Even Now, The Seeds Of Resentment Are Taking Root

1/31/2023 - CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT

1/30/2023 - FDA Moves To Ease Blood Donation Rules For Gay And Bisexual Men

1/30/2023 - Psychosis Fact: Did You Know?

1/30/2023 - Study Shows Humans Still Have Genes To Grow Full Coat Of Body Hair

1/30/2023 - Hollywood Walk Of Fame Adds Single Star For All The Gregs

1/30/2023 - Look What Happens When You Leave A McDonald’s Hamburger Out On A Counter For A Year

1/30/2023 - Biden Secures Nation Extra Trash Can

1/30/2023 - ChatGPT Forced To Take Bar Exam Even Though Dream Was To Be AI Art Bot

1/30/2023 - Man Has Watched All 761 Movies

1/30/2023 - David Cronenberg Once Again Leaves Doctor’s Appointment Disappointed By Lack Of Body Horror

1/29/2023 - Nick Bosa Quietly Admits To Offensive Tackle That Being Held Feels Nice

1/29/2023 - Week In Review: January 29, 2023

1/27/2023 - Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine

1/27/2023 - Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks

1/27/2023 - Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks

1/27/2023 - Facebook, Instagram End Trump’s Suspension From Platforms

1/27/2023 - Drop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents

1/27/2023 - Dog That Only Barks At Black People Named New RNC Chair

1/27/2023 - U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen

1/27/2023 - Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street

1/27/2023 - Brain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So Far

1/27/2023 - Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History Course

1/27/2023 - Anti-Racist Reading List Quietly Deleted From Notes App

1/27/2023 - Expectant Couple Hoping For Human Baby

1/26/2023 - Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million

1/26/2023 - Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies

1/26/2023 - Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed

1/26/2023 - Dianne Feinstein Receives Primary Challenge From Buzzard Currently Circling Her

1/26/2023 - Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks

1/26/2023 - Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less

1/26/2023 - Uh Oh, You’ve Encountered The TikTok Bad Boys Gang

1/26/2023 - Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know

1/26/2023 - Man Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli Counter

1/26/2023 - Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes

1/26/2023 - Our Annual Parenting Edition: How Much Wine Is Too Much Wine For Your Infant And Other Questions Answered

1/26/2023 - Things To Never Google After You Commit A Crime

1/26/2023 - Overhauled Foster Care System Now Drops Off Children In Dark Alley

1/26/2023 - Biden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval Numbers

1/25/2023 - Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight

1/25/2023 - Google Employees React To Company Layoffs

1/25/2023 - Nation’s 56,000 Acres Of Spinach Crops Cooked Down To Single Half-Cup Serving

1/25/2023 - Phrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date

1/25/2023 - Obituary Clearly Just Copied From Wikipedia Article On Genghis Khan

1/25/2023 - Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers

1/25/2023 - Children Gather At Edge Of Playground To Watch As Self-Driving Tesla Repeatedly Rams Into Fence

1/25/2023 - Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza

1/25/2023 - Everything Jair Bolsonaro Has Done While In Exile In Orlando

1/24/2023 - Biden Claps In Amazement After FBI Agent Pulls Classified Document From Behind His Ear

1/24/2023 - Biologists Torture Amoeba For Information On Where Life Came From

1/24/2023 - Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Marries Longtime Hallucination Of Sexy Space Babe

1/24/2023 - School Resource Officer Has Personalized Chokeslam For Every Student

1/24/2023 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

1/24/2023 - Report: Minority Of Murders Committed By Someone Victim Didn’t Know, But Could Have If They Had Gone Out And Socialized More

1/24/2023 - Americans Explain Why They Prefer Gas Over Electric Cars

1/24/2023 - ‘I Love That It Has Pockets,’ Says Woman Showing Off New Boyfriend

1/24/2023 - Harrangue Up Your Purchases

1/24/2023 - Sailor Survives 24 Days At Sea Eating Only Ketchup, Seasonings

1/24/2023 - Wealthy Family Sent Little Life Update On Senator They’re Sponsoring

1/24/2023 - Conservatives Defend Their Right To Have Gas Stoves

1/23/2023 - Florida Bans African American Studies Course

1/23/2023 - ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

1/23/2023 - Tech Fact: Did You Know?

1/23/2023 - Parents Promise Children That Divorce Won’t Prevent Them From Drunkenly Hooking Up On Occasion

1/23/2023 - Favorite Pizza Topping In Every State

1/23/2023 - New Pediatric Guidelines Recommend Obese Children Compensate With Personality

1/23/2023 - Husband Pledges To Stay Sober For 1 Or 2 Weeks While Wife Pregnant

1/23/2023 - Black Man Unaware That Book He's Reading First Step Toward Eventually Being Assassinated By FBI

1/23/2023 - Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter

1/22/2023 - Referee Can’t Help But Grin While Calling Penalty To Bring Back Huge Gain

1/22/2023 - Week In Review: January 22, 2023

1/20/2023 - Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks

1/20/2023 - Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks

1/20/2023 - New Zealand Prime Minister Resigns Citing Burnout

1/20/2023 - Alito, Thomas Share Laugh After Discovering They Both Leaked Dobbs Decision

1/20/2023 - Budget Nursing Home Just Giant 100-Foot Hole

1/20/2023 - LAPD Arrests Dozens Of Homeless Residents Found Squatting In Shelter

1/20/2023 - Study: Majority Of NFL Owners Wouldn’t Let Their Children Purchase Football Team

1/20/2023 - Concerning Study Finds 1 In 10 Americans Lack Access To Adequate Food Eating Challenges

1/20/2023 - Cautious Rock Climber Cuts Off Arm To Prevent It From Getting Pinned Underneath Fallen Boulder

1/20/2023 - Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

1/19/2023 - Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

1/19/2023 - China’s Population Drops For First Time In Decades

1/19/2023 - Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches

1/19/2023 - YouTube Speedrunner Becomes Full-Blown Fascist In Record Time

1/19/2023 - Parents Feel Safer Letting Kids Drink And Drive Under Their Roof

1/19/2023 - What To Say If You See A Coworker On Tinder

1/19/2023 - Cheap, Convenient, Addictive: How The Canned Tomato Industry Conspired To Get Teens Hooked On Red Gold

1/19/2023 - U.S. Blows Itself Up So China Can’t Have It

1/19/2023 - Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm

1/19/2023 - U.S. Cancer Death Rates Fall 33% Since 1991

1/18/2023 - What To Know About ChatGPT

1/18/2023 - Failed GOP Candidate Arrested In Shootings Targeting Elected Democrats

1/18/2023 - Golden State Warriors Present Kamala Harris With Blank Jersey

1/18/2023 - Authorities Reveal Murderer Googled ‘How To Leave Obvious Trail Of Homicide Evidence’ Prior To Crime

1/18/2023 - Signs Your Roommate Actually Hates You

1/18/2023 - Kid Insists You Time Him

1/18/2023 - More Companies Cutting Costs By Replacing CEOs With Prison Labor

1/18/2023 - Biggest Misconceptions People Have About Polyamory

1/18/2023 - Experts Warn Gas Stoves May Slowly Ingratiate Selves In Family To Kill And Take Place Of Matriarch

1/18/2023 - ‘Eat The Flesh, Suck The Bones,’ Only Thing Everyone In Buffalo Wild Wings Thinking

1/18/2023 - Blue Cross CEO Admits It Would Really Help If Sick Insured People Just Killed Themselves

1/18/2023 - Art Official Intelligence (Or Lack Thereof)

1/18/2023 - USDA Approves First Vaccine For Honeybees

1/17/2023 - Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut

1/17/2023 - Homeless Matt Damon Forced To Sell Kidney After Losing Everything In Crypto Pump And Dump Scheme

1/17/2023 - Debt-Ridden 4th-Grader Shouldn’t Have Recklessly Invested In Lunch

1/17/2023 - Man’s Family Too Ugly To Elicit Incestuous Fantasies

1/17/2023 - Wistful Woman Doesn’t Want Kids But Still Wants To Name People

1/17/2023 - 2024 Election To Be Decided By Whoever Can Keep Hand On White House The Longest

1/17/2023 - Things People Hate The Most About Nepotism Babies

1/17/2023 - Black Woman Doesn’t Want To Admit She Actually Does Know Random Other Black Woman Coworker Brought Up

1/16/2023 - Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped

1/16/2023 - Report Finds Billionaires Paying Zero Dollars In Income Taxes By Writing ‘No Thank You Please’ On Return

1/16/2023 - Field Sobriety Test Asks Driver Whether Calling Ex Sounds Like Good Idea

1/16/2023 - Andrew Tate Defense Team Assembled From Dozens Of Lawyers Trafficked From Eastern Europe

1/16/2023 - Hospital Tells Woman It Can Schedule CPR Appointment In 6 Weeks

1/16/2023 - Pizza Hut CEO Accused Of Stuffing Assets Into Offshore Crusts

1/16/2023 - Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked

1/15/2023 - Week In Review: January 15, 2023

1/13/2023 - Onion Sports’ NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks

1/13/2023 - ‘Elvis’ Producers Criticized For Casting Austin Butler In Role Of Iconic Black Singer

1/13/2023 - Second Batch Of Classified Documents Found In Biden’s Home Garage

1/13/2023 - Trump Condemns Courts For Forcing His Already Cash-Strapped Supporters To Pay $1.6 Million Tax Fraud Fine

1/13/2023 - Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document

1/13/2023 - Onion Sports’ NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks

1/13/2023 - Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker

1/13/2023 - Logan Paul Challenges Abandoned Pet Pig To Boxing Match

1/13/2023 - One Time I Was In England And I Was A Prince And My Mom Was Diana And She Died And My Family Is Mean And My Wife Is Brown And I’m Sorry I Wore A Nazi

1/13/2023 - Nursing Home Keeps Elderly Residents Active By Shooting At Their Feet

1/13/2023 - Severely Traumatized Child Referred To As ‘Old Soul’

1/12/2023 - New York GOP Calls On George Santos To Resign

1/12/2023 - Kamala Harris Pops By Office To Print Out Concert Tickets

1/12/2023 - Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas

1/12/2023 - Dr. Scholl’s Increases Brand Awareness By Planting Products In Customers’ Purses And Claiming They Stole It

1/12/2023 - Congress’ Agenda For The Next Two Years

1/12/2023 - 600,000 Americans Go Missing Every Year: Here’s Why You Still Aren’t Seeing Cheaper Kidney Prices

1/12/2023 - Every Lie George Santos Has Told About His Life Thus Far

1/12/2023 - Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain

1/12/2023 - Dog Worried He Always One Initiating Petting

1/12/2023 - Shrugs, Not Hugs

1/11/2023 - Dr. Dre Serves Marjorie Taylor Greene Cease-And-Desist Order For Using Song

1/11/2023 - Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now

1/11/2023 - Nationwide Flight Disruption Lasts Almost Long Enough For Pilot To Sober Up

1/11/2023 - Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices

1/11/2023 - Troubled Iowa Teen Sculpts Butter AR-15

1/11/2023 - Hole In Ozone Will Mend By 2066, U.N. Report Finds

1/11/2023 - Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse

1/11/2023 - Mortuary Cosmetologist Opts To Give Client More Natural Decomposing Look

1/11/2023 - Man Memorizes Several Awkward Remarks In Case Date Not Going Uncomfortably Enough

1/11/2023 - Signs Someone Is Catfishing You

1/10/2023 - Study Finds Early Humans Selectively Bred Corn To Be Less Aggressive

1/10/2023 - Fugitive Bolsonaro Coup Supporters Hide Deep In Amazon Rainforest’s Last Remaining Tree

1/10/2023 - Leaked Footage Shows People Inexplicably Walking Into Building That Has No Food

1/10/2023 - Bird Claims Its Mother Makes The Best Vomit In The World

1/10/2023 - Bolsonaro Supporters Storm Brazil’s Congress

1/10/2023 - High School Teaches Co-Parenting Skills By Having Students Fight Over Who Gets Egg For Weekend

1/10/2023 - Woman Will Never Know Intimacy Like Passing Garbage Truck Drivers Slowing Down To Point At Each Other

1/10/2023 - Signs Your Roommate Actually Hates You

1/10/2023 - Microbes Growing In AirPods Getting Really Into Radiohead

1/9/2023 - Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting

1/9/2023 - Explosive Prince Harry Memoir Reveals William Used Too Much Tongue When They Kissed

1/9/2023 - Brazilians Terrified That Riot Could Lead To Tedious Congressional Hearings

1/9/2023 - McCarthy Elected Speaker After Far-Right GOP Minority Joins Rest Of Far-Right GOP Majority

1/9/2023 - Sex Fact: Did You Know?

1/9/2023 - Man Has Real Thing For Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed Aryans Of Pure Breeding Stock

1/9/2023 - Couple Loses Life Savings After Getting Scammed Into Having Baby At Hospital

1/9/2023 - Dignity Temporarily Set Aside To Enjoy Trampoline

1/9/2023 - Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report

1/9/2023 - CEOs Explain Why They Oppose A 4-Day Workweek

1/6/2023 - Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design

1/6/2023 - On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again

1/6/2023 - What To Know About The New Covid Variant XBB1.5

1/6/2023 - What To Say If You Catch Your Partner Watching Pornography

1/6/2023 - Grandma Picked Up, Stuffed Into Back Seat Like Giant Teddy Bear Just Won At Fair

1/6/2023 - Man At Gym Listening To Pump-Up Playlist To Get Courage To Take Off Shirt In Locker Room

1/6/2023 - Celebrity Thinking About Getting Pilot’s License

1/6/2023 - Vatican Defrocks Anti-Abortion Priest Who Used Aborted Fetus In Sermon

1/5/2023 - Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time

1/5/2023 - Vatican Funeral Ends With Ritual Eating Of Pope Benedict’s Body

1/5/2023 - Incredibly Productive House Of Representatives Assembles For 8th Vote In Just 3 Days

1/5/2023 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week 18 Picks

1/5/2023 - How The House Speaker Is Elected

1/5/2023 - Decoding Teens’ Semaphore Messages: The Surprising Double Meanings Behind Common Flag-Wavings

1/5/2023 - Nation’s Children Of Alcoholics Figure They Might As Well Get Really Good At Pool

1/5/2023 - Favorite Snack In Every State

1/5/2023 - Study Finds Dolphins May Suffer From Alzheimer’s Disease

1/4/2023 - Plume Of Smoke Above Vatican Signals Last Evidence Of Abuse Has Been Burned

1/4/2023 - Roger Goodell Announces Thinking Too Hard About Football Has Given Him CTE

1/4/2023 - Protective Mitch McConnell Takes New Senator Under Neck

1/4/2023 - Biggest Things People Hate About ‘Wife Guys’

1/4/2023 - Neurologists Confirm Nightmares Persist After Death

1/4/2023 - Kyler Murray Doing Everything Possible To Get Back On Xbox Live

1/4/2023 - New York Bans Pet Stores From Selling Cats, Dogs, Rabbits

1/4/2023 - Fetterman Struggling To Adapt To Size Of Capitol Building

1/4/2023 - James Patterson To Complete Unfinished Michael Crichton Book

1/3/2023 - NFL Releases Statement Clarifying There Are Not Things More Important Than Football

1/3/2023 - Kevin McCarthy Assures Skeptical Republicans He Shares Their Vision Of Innocents Drowning In Oceans Of Blood

1/3/2023 - Idiotic New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Never Actually Keep

1/3/2023 - Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Term Limits

1/3/2023 - Iconic Artist Of ‘Huge Titty Lois Griffin’ Sadly Remains Unrecognized In His Lifetime

1/3/2023 - France To Offer Free Condoms To Adults Up To Age 25

1/3/2023 - Union-Busting Manager Graciously Accepts Pay Cut Because Boss Knows Best

1/3/2023 - White House Now Just Saying That Biden 52

1/2/2023 - Man Walking Dog Will Be Judge Of What Warrants Sniffing

1/2/2023 - Nation’s Men In Bathroom Stalls Announce Plan To Breathe Really Loudly

1/2/2023 - Biblical Archaeologists Uncover 2,000-Year-Old Poster-Board Photo Collage Displayed At Jesus’ Funeral

1/2/2023 - World’s Oldest Jeans Found In 1857 Shipwreck Sell For $114,000

1/2/2023 - REI Introduces Fleece Supplements To Insulate Digestive Tract

1/2/2023 - Things To Never Say To Someone Who Loves Elon Musk

1/2/2023 - New Zealand Imposes Lifelong Ban On Youth Buying Cigarettes

1/2/2023 - E.U. To Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights

1/1/2023 - NFL Gravediggers Rush To Field To Bury Unconscious Player