ORANGE, VA—Attempting to stay calm despite his malfunctioning parachute, local skydiver Kevin Paris reportedly did one last scan Wednesday for a trampoline. “Hmm, okay let me see here—maybe now that I’m closer to Earth I can spot it,” said Paris, plunging through the air at more than 600 feet per second and taking a momentary break from attempting to untangle his parachute to search for a springy surface he might be able to use to break his fall. “Well, shoot. It’s not looking good so far. If only there were two guys carrying a mattress out of a moving truck. There’s a trampoline, but it has kids on it. Maybe I’ll just aim for that picnic basket.” At press time, Paris had just remembered he had a backup parachute before hitting the ground.