Slacker Congressperson Praying He Gets Some Bullshit Committee Assignment Like ‘Climate Crisis’

Illustration for article titled Slacker Congressperson Praying He Gets Some Bullshit Committee Assignment Like ‘Climate Crisis’

WASHINGTON—Saying he could probably just sit at the back and dose off without anyone bothering him, slacker congressman Scott Chrysler told reporters Wednesday he was praying to get a bullshit assignment this term, like the House Select Committee on the Climate Crisis. “Are you kidding me? Climate Crisis? That’s a total blow-off assignment for sure,” said Chrysler, adding that while the climate committee was his first choice, he ultimately would be happy with any low-pressure assignment, including Education and Labor or Veterans’ Affairs. “On Climate Crisis, there’s no way you’ll get one of those committee chairs who busts your chops all the time. I won’t have the party whip on my ass, either, because no one in the House leadership will care what goes on in a committee about the environment. Seriously, how many people in Congress even understand how climate change works? I certainly don’t. I bet all you have to do is put out a couple half-assed statements about windmills or whatever. Oh, man, if I get on there, I am gonna cruise through this session!” At press time, Chrysler reportedly let out a groan upon learning he had been assigned to the Armed Services Committee.