Slaughterhouse Cow Frets Over Personal Contributions To Climate Change

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VICTORIA, KS—Expressing concerns about her role in negatively impacting the planet, a local cow on her way to be slaughtered Friday was reportedly fretting about her personal contributions to climate change. “When I consider all the ozone-depleting methane I carelessly emitted over the course of my lifetime, it makes me a little sick,” said the bovine, acknowledging that she had individually consumed thousands of pounds of plant matter that could otherwise be absorbing carbon dioxide. “I know that I’m just one farm animal and it doesn’t make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things, but then again, everyone having that attitude is how we got in this mess. And then I start thinking about all the plastic they’re going to have to use to wrap up the pieces of me, and all the fossil fuels the trucks emit to get me to the grocery store, and I just start spiraling.” At press time, the cow couldn’t help expressing some regret that she hadn’t committed to reducing her carbon footprint by becoming veal.