CHICAGO—Voicing anger over what it described as a severely hostile work environment, a local smoke alarm announced Monday that it was fed up with being yelled at for simply doing its job. “I’m sick and tired of people cursing me out just for telling them their goddamn house is on fire!” said the smoke alarm, which described the abuse it has received when it beeps loudly upon detection of deadly fumes, noting that it has endured comments such as, “Shut the fuck up,” “Fuck you, you piece of shit,” and worse. “You know what my job is? It’s to save your goddamn life. That’s why you bought me, right? If this is the kind of appreciation I get, maybe I should just let you and your whole family sleep the next time there’s smoke billowing down the hallway and a wall of flames blazing toward your bedrooms. How would you like that, huh? ’Cause it would serve you right, asshole.” At press time, the smoke alarm was reportedly engaged in a work stoppage, refusing to provide advance notice of fires until someone finally replaced its dead batteries.
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