WILTON, CT—Unwilling to let its rivals lay claim to the key consumer group, the marketing team for Snuggle fabric softener slaughtered the entire 18-to-34-year-old demographic to prevent it from falling into the hands of a competitor, sources said Tuesday. “When the stakes are this high, it’s not enough to simply advertise Snuggle’s low price, fresh scent, and wrinkle-fighting power,” said Snuggle marketing director Rebecca Murston, adding that the logistical challenge of orchestrating 71 million murders was negligible compared with the prospect of losing essential customers to a competing product. “If Tide, or god forbid Bounce, were to establish a foothold with this highly lucrative segment of the market, all would be lost. And if we cannot have 18- to 34-year-olds, we have decided that no one can.” At press time, the bloodshed showed no sign of abating as Snuggle now set its sights on 35- to 44-year-olds, the most coveted surviving demographic.
More from The Onion