So-Called ‘Atheist’ Doesn’t Even Barge Into Churches Screaming ‘You’re All Brainwashed Fools’

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PROVIDENCE, RI—Casting serious doubt over his commitment, self-professed atheist Edward Horvath came under intense scrutiny Monday after sources revealed that despite ample opportunities, he has never once barged into local churches screaming that the parishioners are all “brainwashed fools.” “This guy fancies himself some kind of true non-believer, but I’d bet my imaginary soul he’s never snatched a Bible out of a stranger’s hands and ripped out the pages one by one,” said roommate Dan Taylor, also a self-professed atheist, in regard to the surprisingly non-confrontational 32-year-old, noting that Horvath has never once stood atop a pew during Sunday mass screaming that the whole charade was all a colossal lie. “Ed might pay lip service to atheism, but does he regularly accuse people who are wearing crucifixes in public for glorifying the torture of a Jewish carpenter—who, by the way, may not have ever existed? Has he ever thrown communion wine to the floor and called those receiving it deluded lotus eaters? No. We could never rely on this guy to storm into a packed worship service and dare the congregation’s imaginary God to strike him down while calling them all pawns in this sick little game of faith.” At press time, several members of the atheist community said they were “done with” Horvath after photographs came to light showing him smiling in a church during his brother’s wedding ceremony.