Illustration for article titled ‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused by the concept of shifting law enforcement resources, a head-scratching nation asked, “So, it means making the police lose their homes and forcing them to get a divorce” Monday while struggling to understand how defunding the police could work. “It just doesn’t seem like making all police officers homeless and depriving them of their family’s love is very realistic when you think about it,” said 328 million Americans, noting that at least some funds should be saved for officer’s uniforms so they don’t have to respond to emergency calls wearing nothing but pickle barrels. “I’m really trying to figure out how our court system is supposed to handle millions of police officers riding in boxcar trains across the country to file for divorce. They aren’t going to be able to do their jobs when they’re only allowed to eat cigarettes and get pelted with rotten eggs instead of being paid, so I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how this is a feasible plan. I’m not trying to be deliberately ignorant; just explain how everyone adopting a police officer and raising him or her as their own child is a real solution. I don’t think I have a big enough crib.” At press time, the U.S. populace went on to express that they couldn’t support abolishing the police if that meant loading them into a cannon and shooting them into space.

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