BERKELEY, CA—Extrapolating trends observed over the course of the previous few generations, sociologists at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Friday the inevitable emergence of a generation more entitled and self-absorbed than any seen before. “According to our data, we are roughly a decade from experiencing a demographic with levels of unearned confidence, narcissism, and self-obsession that doubles or even triples those of millennials,” lead researcher Dr. Susan Perkins said of this cohort, projected to consist of not only the laziest individuals ever born, giving up exponentially quicker than Generation Z at the sight of adversity, but also the most entitled, shattering the precedent set by their millennial parents with the sheer magnitude of their expectations of handouts, unending pats on the back, and participation trophies. “This generation will suffer a panic attack mere seconds after hearing a conflicting political viewpoint, facing the inevitability of getting a job, or losing the absolute, unconditional support of their parents for even a moment. Moreover, evidence indicates that the coming generation will expect everyone to simply fall to their knees at the very mention of them, worshipping and praising them more than all existing generations combined.” Acknowledging the bleakness of these findings, Perkins added that this generation will at least offer a bright spot by participating in unprecedented levels of fucking.
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