SAN RAMON, CA—U.S. investments in solar power reportedly skyrocketed Wednesday following the discovery of pure, unrefined sunbeams lying several hundred feet beneath the Amazon rain forest. “Once considered a pipe dream, we’re now confident that solar power is the future of energy in the United States and the rest of the world,” said Michael Wirth, CEO of Chevron, just one of the dozens of multinational oil and gas companies that confirmed it now plans to invest billions in the extraction, production, and refinement of solar energy in the Amazon. “We’re looking at what could soon grow into a $5 trillion industry globally. We’ll be building a pipeline so we can safely transport all of that 10,000-degree sunlight. And of course, we’ll also need to clear out some of the trees to get it it, but then we’ll be able to access all that good, clean energy.” At press time, sources reported the company was struggling to contain the effects of a sunlight spill that had caused 500,000 square miles of rain forest to burn to the ground.